Even as a mom of six, every time I am pregnant, it happens at least once.
A grocery store clerk, relative, older woman, a waiter-- someone-- says to my youngest child: "
Are you going to be jealous of the new baby?"
Here's what I
want to say in response to that:
"Be quiet!"
Of course I don't say that.
What I actually say is something like, "Oh no, (s)he is excited about the new baby, aren't you?
(Excited head nod from my little one.) It will be so amazing to have a new little person in our family. We're all excited!"
Each time we've added a baby to our family, we've seen that
children are incredibly impressionable in regard to their attitude about a new baby.
What I mean by that is this:
you will (most likely)
get the attitude you expect to get. If you expect that children will be bitter, jealous, and
throw tantrums, they will probably lower themselves to your expectations. If you expect that children will be thrilled to have a new sibling, while setting real expectations, and preparing for real adjustments, then they will rise to the occasion.
They may even surprise you and be more gentle and thoughtful and helpful than you imagined possible for one so young.
Jealousy doesn't have to happen.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that I haven't seen a jealous attitude even ONE time with a new baby in our home. That doesn't mean that there haven't been any difficulties or adjustments when we have a new baby... of course, there's (temporarily) a more tired mama, and of course, she's busy doing more than she did previously. BUT that is not a bad thing.
A kid adjusting to a big change in life is not the same as jealousy.
But every time we have a newborn, when we look in the eyes of our children (from the 11 year old on down to our little guys), we see awe. Straight up awe. There is also curiosity. And then (especially with the 2 and under crowd), it's back to normal life-- toys, snacks, wanting to snuggle with mommy, coloring, and making messes. :)
Our attitude and approach directly correlates to what attitude the kids take on.
No matter what others suggest, jealousy is not a given.
A LIMITED AMOUNT OF LOVE?
I think this idea of assumed jealousy tracks back to the notion that love in a family is like a pie: there is a limited amount, and each child we add will cut into the portion of love each child receives, thus leaving them with less and less of the "pie".
But the truth is that love is like a multiplication problem:
First you start with two people. And their love doesn't just add to one another... it multiplies.
3x3=9
So when you add another person, it looks like this:
3x3x3=27
and when you add another person, it looks like this:
3x3x3x3=81
And so on.
LOVE MULTIPLIES
The relationships that go on in our home are so much fun. I wrestle and tickle with the 5 year old. He says "I'll get you" a million times in a row to the 9-month-old, inducing laughter every time. The 9-month old is pulled onto the chest of the 11-year-old while he watches a movie, and they cuddle. The 11-year-old sits patiently and reads to the 3-year-old. The 3-year-old asks the 7-year-old if he can play babies with her in her room. The 7-year-old asks her big 9-year-old brother to go ride bikes.
And on and on.
Relationships are built.
Sibling rivalry is not unavoidable. There is no need for an 11-, 7-, 3-, 2-, or 1-year old to be "jealous" of a new baby.
If you're expecting an addition to your family, whether it's your first, or your sixth, or your twenty-fifth
(I think that should cover most everyone) purpose now that you will speak positively of that baby, EVERY time. Decide in advance that if a grocery store clerk or a grandparent or a friend or anyone suggests "jealousy" to your child, that you will stop it right then and there and choose to plant words and ideas of LOVE.
Choose to have this attitude-- in your heart, and in your words:
A new life! We have a new baby! This little person is an eternal soul that is a unique expression of God's creativity, made in God's image.
There is so much to celebrate & be thankful for.
A LOVE THAT GIVES
The other thing that plays into this is that while you are planting ideas of love, that you are defining what love IS for your child.
Teach them, from the start that loving one another means GIVING to one another:
- "You're going to be such a big helper, waiting and playing toys while mom changes the baby's diaper."
- "Sometimes the baby is going to cry, and so we'll have to help her settle down."
- "Mama's going to be tired, and so when the baby lays down to sleep, you and me will take a nap together too!"
- "Mama's going to spend a lot of time nursing the baby. You'll get to sit by mama and read books near me on the couch."
Let them know that
the way they act toward this baby matters... that they can start being a loving and kind big brother and sister.
"We are ALWAYS gentle and sweet to little babies."
Plant words and ideas of love in your older child's mind, so that
every time the baby is mentioned, they start thinking about that baby with an active, self-giving love. And give them specific ideas about what that patient, self-sacrificing LOVE will look like, so that jealousy isn't a part of the equation at all.
Sibling jealousy is NOT unavoidable. And love can multiply. It can multiply right there in your home.
Just wait and see!
Their daughter was (and is) a very bright and well-rounded gal. I watched as my friend, the mom, cast a vision for her daughter. That vision, knowing her daughter well, included something like this: "What kind of academic goals have you set for yourself?" (She listened.) And then she said, "your dad and I want you to know what our academic vision is for you-- and that includes making the Dean's List every semester." (Now, remember, they knew their daughter. This isn't a one-size-fits-all goal, but they knew that for her, this was a reasonable challenge.)
***No blogpost today, aside from this: ***
If you're in the market for a Kindle, or have been wanting to check it out-- this is the lowest price I've ever seen: $49 for a Kindle. (We REALLY love Kindle-- not only because of living abroad & the ease of packing these "books" without worrying about weight, but also for portability of a wide variety of books for me, as a mom. I can just slip my Kindle into my purse and have a wide selection of fiction, inspirational non-fiction, my Bible, and more, all right there in that one lightweight device.)
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Sometimes when people long for the good old days, they're remembering something that didn't exist, fabricating entirely, or even just wistfully only recalling the good (but forgetting the accompanying bad).
IS IT WRONG TO TAKE A SELFIE?
Sometimes life blindsides us. It could be any number of things. But sometimes in life, we feel like everything has exploded around us, and nothing is as it was before.
Dishes get dirty.
Before long it's time to eat some soup and so you- "gulp"- get over your grossed-out-ness and grab the bowl. Now you're sucking down mold and bits of whatever that was from a few breakfasts ago, everytime you eat.
, Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead
, and King Corn
. And I try to cut through the hype and learn little bits that will help me make livable, sustainable, budgetarily-reasonable choices for our family. 
I think my kids eat more veggies than I did growing up, and last year we switched out the boxed cereals for oatmeal. Now we're switching to steel-cut. And ya know, maybe someone will release a study this week indicating that that's terrible. If so, don't write me a comment about it.
As we draw near to the frenzied toy-buying Christmas season, let me offer our recommendations for elementary-aged kids. We have six kids eleven and under, so I've got a little more than a decade, and many different personalities' worth of "experience," invested in this advice.
- Hands down, the most-beloved toy set enjoyed by our 5-and-up crew.
- Also MUCH played with in our home! This is a better choice for kids 5 and under, as Legos can be maddening for little hands that aren't quite, developmentally, ready for them. I always leave our big box of these out, and they are our go-to toy when we have another family over. Everyone can enjoy building with a huge tub of Duplos! (Make sure you have some boards to build on!)
and I like the simple versatility of this one.
)
- I love this set of larger building blocks; it has enough blocks for them to really get architecturally creative!
(or one like this
) with Loving Family people
- We have several varieties of magnetic dolls for my daughter. It's a nice quiet activity. (We also recently purchased a Melissa and Doug magnetic cars set that works the same way, where you can redesign the car all different ways, but I couldn't find a link for it online. Our three year old son LOVES it.)
In case any of you are Keen fans, I wanted to share this deal with you. All Men & Women's Keen Sandals
.
Sleep is an necessary (and let's be honest, lovely) part of life. 
for the first 3-6 months. They didn't have these when I started having babies, but they're wonderful for taming the newborn "startle" reflex.)
, right before bed. It relaxes my body and keeps me from experiencing the insomnia of restless-leg-syndrome.
