Alistair Begg on Comparing Your Spouse

Heard this today and decided to transcribe it and share it with you:

"Do we really think that we can sit on the plane and leaf through People magazine... and read about the exploits of the rich, the famous, the foolish, the cute... allow those images to penetrate the computer of our brain, and then realistically to apply the Bible to our marriage?

The fact is, it can't be done. And the degree to which we play with that stuff in our minds is the degree to which we make it increasingly difficult to live out this principle-- namely, DON'T COMPARE YOUR SPOUSE UNFAVORABLY WITH OTHERS in terms of looks, abilities, or anything." -- Alistair Begg, "How to Avoid Marital Failure"

And this was a bit later in the sermon:

"Don't take someone of the opposite sex into precincts that are the exclusive domain of your spouse. What does it mean? It means this: there's a lady in your office who thinks you've got broad shoulders and she'd like to cry on them? Tell her to keep moving. Go find someone else to cry on cause your shoulders are only for one girl to cry on, or more if you've got daughters.

(imitating someone else's voice) 'What, you call yourself a pastor and you say things like that?'

Yeah, cause I want to be a sensible pastor. Cause I want to be a married pastor. Cause I want to be a pure pastor for my kids growing up underneath me.

...Don't be so naive as to think that we can take into our lives that kind of stuff. You can't do it; you're not supposed to do it. You start to understand the principles of women ministering to women and men ministering to men... The only intimacy that should be enjoyed with someone of the opposite sex should be your wife or your husband, your sons or your daughters." --Alistair Begg, "How to Avoid Marital Failure"

After these (and a few other) things NOT to do, he added these prescriptions for marriage

(1) Be daily in prayer for the health of your marriage and the harmony of your home
(2) Be sacrificial in the expression of your love for each other. (Ask yourself, "what have I done in the last 7 days that was an act of sacrifice on my part for my spouse?")
(3) Be imaginative, daring, and occasionally extravagant in displaying your affection.
(4) Be sure that you don't use your children as the "glue" that holds you or the "wedge" that separates you. ("Remember this: the kids are the ones that are leaving-- we're the ones that are staying.")
(5) Be ruthless in resisting anyone or anything that will draw your affections from each other.
(6) Be ready to listen to, and willing to speak, about what's going on inside each other's heads.
(7) Be certain that a great marriage is possible with divine enabling and human effort.
(8) Be aware of how quickly time is passing, and seize the day.

And there's so much more worth hearing if you can track down this sermon. I highly recommend Alistair Begg's podcast, called Truth for Life.

Show & Tell: Everything AND the Kitchen Sink

I'm gonna quit apologizing for the length of these posts and just revel in it. Confession time: Hello, my name is Jessica, and I am a link junkie. I LOVE passing on good links and it really lights my fire to see a bunch of out clicks on my sitemeter. So, here we go again. Show & Tell #50 gazillion. ;-)

WOMANHOOD:

• Candid Words from a Would-Be Mother
• Celebrating Womanhood- Ideas for delighting in the gift of being a woman
• 20-something reasons to live at home- as a single Christian woman
  
• JUDGED-- Mary Grace shares her thoughts as a foster mom who *gasp* has used food stamps for her foster son... and the reactions she gets. This one may get you to noticing that big log in your own eyes (ask me how I know!).
• How feminism tore one daughter from her mother
  
• Older Women Wanted-- Mary Pride's request for moms with know-how to stick around and help younger moms rather than retiring to an empty nest

MOTHERHOOD

• Loving Our Kids: Merry hits the nail on the head and gives a simple (but not easy) challenge
  
• Days Gone By- a brief but eloquent "musing" on children growing older
  
• Nursing at 13 months- We moms end up feeling bad or guilty for all kinds of things, don't we? (Even good things like breastfeeding our children!)
  
• Raising Godly Children-- encouragement from Scripture with practical application
  
• Encouragement for tired moms to PRESS ON!- It's a long interview with Janet Parshall, but well worth reading/listening to!
• Thoughts on sheltering and wisdom- more by my empty-nesting friend, Chloe
  

MORE ON ABORTION:

• Pill users beware!- Did ya know oral contraceptives may cause abortions?
  
• Gender selection abortions
  
• Obama: Babies as punishment
  
• Infanticide Procedure, step by horrible step: Doctors describe performing partial birth abortions-- Oh, this is not for the faint of heart... but God, help us to read this sort of truth and act, doing all we can on behalf of the unborn.
• Baby survives abortion, expected to live "normal" life-- (hat tip: Dust & Clay)

ON CHINA:

• Rights Activists IGNORE China's One-Child Policy- "My body, my choice", you'll hear from feminist activists the world over... except when it comes to the horrors that happen in China every day because of their "overpopulation" policy.
• China's aftershocks-- the earthquake served to highlight ethical problems inherent in the system
• "My dear baby, if you can survive, please remember Mom loves you."

CHEW ON THIS:

• Amish Friendship Bread- From what this says, your friends will thank you. So, should I make up the "starter" batch?
• Homemade White Bread-- for some reason, this looks absolutely delicious to me (and a friend of mine says that it IS!) So I'm linking for you-- but also for me, to motivate me to make it!!! :-)
• Starvation claiming Ethiopia's smallest- Will you consider giving (you can give through adoption agencies and orphanages) and helping provide food for these children?
• What People Eat Around the World- a visual index of food around the world
  

BLOGGING:

• CUT DOWN YOUR BLOG READING by learning how to use a "feed reader". DG takes you step by step, so even non-techies can use this!
  
• A solution for those of you wanting a new blog design! BLOGS FOR A CAUSE - Nikki does blog designs and donates part of the proceeds to charities-- Woohoo!

SPIRITUAL GROWTH:

• Spiritual Gifts-- a six-part sermon series by Mark Driscoll. Probably the most comprehensive and yet comprehensible handling of the spiritual gifts that I've come across. (The link is to Adrian Warnock's blog, who linked all 6 of the sermons in one post-- so you can get them all from there.) Here is a written summary of the sermons.
  
• How to Waste Your Theological Education-- tips for seminarians and other aspiring theologians... a good gut-check for what you're doing with that "education"
• Sovereignty of God & life transitions- I could echo every one of Mrs. Elliot's words.
• Living with all of the Body: thoughts on age-segregated vs. age-integrated church experiences
• Voddie Baucham talks about "The Family-Integrated Church"
  

FOR THE LOVE OF BOOKS:

• Sorting books-- deciding which to keep and which to pitch
• Big Thoughts for Little Thinkers: This series looks GREAT for teaching basic doctrine to young children!
• Librivox: Listen to public-domain books in audiobook format for FREE! (Especially helpful for homeschoolers-- you could listen to a classic work while doing other things around the home. Also available as a free podcast.)
  
• Puritan Library: Challenging Puritan works in e-book format in their entirety online.
  

ON PORNOGRAPHY:

• "Dear Person that Googled 'Porn' and Got Me"- I've been shocked to see how many people google porn and end up here at Making Home. Prodigal Jon gives an excellent response to that anonymous reader.
• Women Against Pornography
  
• Hugh Hefner's Wasted Life-- boy, this one is sad. Sad, sad, sad.

FOR A LAUGH:

• Engrish.com-- a daily serving of Engrish/Chinglish-- this is what happens to the English language when put on shirts, signs, store windows, and more in China. Having lived in China for a year, I find this particularly hilarious... but you might too. :-) [Note: very occasionally there are off-color items featured... but most of the time, it is both tame and hysterical.]
• What does "crunchy" look like?
  

OH--AND ABOUT THAT KITCHEN SINK:

• In case you are a young wife/mother/person who has NOT heard about this, it may be helpful. Flylady is a great online resource for cleaning or keeping your house clean. [Now, I should admit: I do not actually use Flylady. I am a Flylady failure... but that is partly because I was not motivated to keep it up when I DID use it, partly because I've lived in more places than I can count in the last few years and have just had to do whatever I could to "make it", and partly because I'm more of a clean-as-you-go and clean-as-the-Spirit-hits-you sort of gal. ;-) But many, MANY of my friends find it helpful. So maybe you will too. Plus I had to include a link that had something to do with the kitchen sink, OK?!?]

Husband on Wife-Imposed Rice Diet

What do you think about this man's situation? And what would you say to his new wife?

I love to eat.

What can I say? I'm a meat and potatoes, average kind of guy. It doesn't take much to please me. I don't need a ten-course gourmet meal, and I'm not one to complain about a decent meal. My wife and I have been married for nearly eighteen months, and when we dated, she never said anything about not liking meat. But ever since we got married, all she wants to eat is rice. Sometimes she'll throw in some vegetables... but we never eat meat; she won't buy it!

When I asked about it, she said that she doesn't think we need it, it's unhealthy, gross to think about, and has made it clear that she thinks we're on this rice diet together. Forever. I work at a store in the mall, and we usually pack up leftovers for lunch (rice with an occasional side veggie). I've been so tempted to chunk it lately and go to the food court, but we promised each other that we'd not eat out. I mean, rice is good. But a little variety would go a LONG way.

Not to mention that I work right next to a Cinnabon shop and those SMELLS are driving me crazy. And then I drive past "Restaurant Row" on my way home from work. I don't want to hurt her, but this is ridiculous. It's not what I signed up for... I thought we'd be eating good at home, maybe not super amazing meals every day, but at least some tasty stuff occasionally. That's one reason I made that whole "let's not eat out" promise.

I'm sick of plain old rice. I don't have to have steak and dessert every single day, but goodness... rice and veggies is getting old FAST. How can this be fixed? Whenever I've tried to say something, she takes it as a complaint about her cooking and gets emotional and then things become even more tense and rigid. HELP!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As you're formulating your thoughts about his question, imagine if this had gone on for 10, 20 years. What kind of man would be able to deal with that?


Now, indulge me... go back and read the whole letter in light of marital intimacy. But make the length of time eighteen YEARS instead of eighteen months. It's OK, I'll wait for you. Seriously, go back and read it with marital intimacy/desire (instead of food/appetite) in mind.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Did you read it? Are you with me? Here's the point:

THE LURE OF THE CINNABON STAND
Christian men (particularly in an increasingly sexualized world that co-exists with what is often a "sex-is-worldly" mentality in the church) are like hungry men walking past Cinnabon stands and driving past "Restaurant Row" 24/7. If they come home to a warmed-over bowl of rice, they still *need* to exercise self-control, yes-- but they're much more likely to be drawn in by the sights and smells of the Cinnabon stand. And probably find themselves daydreaming about it in their weaker moments, even if they're never lured to go in and actually take a bite.

But if they're getting delicious, mouth-watering "food" at home, regularly, then, yeah, they still have to exercise self-control (I mean, lets face it, those Cinnabons do smell INCREDIBLE)... but they're more likely to be able to do so, because they're well-fed and happy with what they're getting at home.

WHAT'S ON YOUR "MENU"?
If I'm serving up rice every day (or once a week or once a month or worse), I need to understand that there are Cinnabon stands out there, and I need to KNOW how hard it is for my husband to walk past them without buying one. Cause whether we like it or not, he's having to deal with it. So, maybe I need to learn how to make rice with a little more spice or sauce in the mix, or maybe I need to learn how to make stuff other than rice... to vary my "menu options". Maybe I'll even make him some to-die-for-delicious cinnamon rolls of my own. But whatever the case, understanding the lure of the Cinnabon stand, and how tiresome it would be to eat rice once a week every week for years on end, helps me as a wife to love my husband more, and to meet not only his needs, but his desires too.

I say all this to say to you married women out there: consider what's on your "menu". Are you unnecessarily limiting your husband's "diet" because of your own hang-ups? Is he on a starvation diet? Is he getting warmed-over rice in a crusty bowl again and again and again and again and again...?

Sometimes there are legitimate things (like abuse, addictions, and other similar marital issues) that limit our "menu options" for us. And sometimes it's the men who are serving up warmed over rice to their hungry wives. But I'm not talking to those people right now.

Statistics and experience in hearing from and talking to these women over and over again tell me that the all too common experience in many Christian marriages is similar to the rice example I've given above.

And all I'm saying is, it just shouldn't be that way.



[I should note that this idea is a piggy-backed idea off of something a friend of mine, Chloe, wrote when we were discussing this very idea of marital intimacy. Thanks, Chloe, for crafting a great word picture for this topic!]

Mark Driscoll on Intimacy & 1 Corinthians 7

I was listening to some Mark Driscoll sermons not too long ago, and thought his commentary on these verses was helpful.

"Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." - 1 Cor. 7:2

"If you have strong biological desires for intimacy, if you're a lady, you need a husband; if you're a gentleman, you need a wife. And in marriage, you don't deny one another; you have a lot of fun. It doesn't feel like one is winning and one is losing. You're both satisfied; you take care of one another. God's answer for your desires is marriage." - Driscoll

"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." - 1 Cor. 7:3-4

"Once you get married, you take care of one another. She wants to snuggle? You're snuggling. He wants to be together? You're gonna be together. That's biblical." -Driscoll

"Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by mutual agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of a lack of self control." - 1 Cor. 7:5

"If one person in the marriage always feels like they're on offense, and the other's always on defense, and one always has desires, and is always getting declined, Satan is going to destroy the marriage with bitterness and temptation. You should take care of each other in every way, including the physical." - Driscoll


(All quotes taken from Mark Driscoll, "Dating", from the Religion Saves and 9 Other Misconceptions sermon series.)


Definitely simple and to the point. But I thought it was worth highlighting. Any thoughts?

Show & Tell: Fun Finds for April

***Just wanted to share some exciting (for me) news: my letter to Maranatha has been published at the Gender Blog put out by the Council for Biblical Manhood & Womanhood. (This feels like silly self-promotion, but I'm so thrilled and feel so honored and I wanted to share it with all of you!) ***

Get ready for some fun links-- these should give you lots of interesting reading, so here we go!

INTERESTING VIDEOS:

• Mt. Sinai, Moses & the Exodus: This video is absolutely incredible; it's in 10 parts and takes about an hour and a half to complete. Full of interesting, on-the-ground archaeological and geographical research into the biblical account of the exodus based on the biblical text, the evidence unfolds before your very eyes. Ethan & I had so much fun watching this video after having read through the exodus account over the last few weeks in school.
  
• Butterfly Emerging from Chrysalis: I was explaining this to the boys a couple weeks ago and realized that there was probably a video on the internet that would show the whole thing. Bada-bing, bada-boom- I found this... a time-lapsed video that shows it in high-speed (and then you can click to watch the slow, real-time version). The internet has its drawbacks, but stuff like this is so incredible!
• Dinosaurs in computer animation: Based on bone structure and placement, animal "norms" and other research, Discovery channel put out these interesting videos that show what dinosaurs may have looked like in their original environment. Interesting stuff.

ABORTIONS, BIRTH CONTROL, AND BABIES:

• Even feminists are saying it: Wanna have a baby? Now's the time.
• John Piper has put out a new statement about the biblicality of birth control.
• Royal college warning about abortion: it can lead to mental illness
• Baby supposed to only live a few hours is perfectly healthy: makes you wonder how often this has happened before, when parents have opted to abort, doesn't it?!?
• The abortion industry's #1 provider-- Planned Parenthood: your tax dollars at work.
• Natural labor induction techniques: the most complete list I found, FYI.
• Post-partum dressing tips: great and feminine ideas from Emma about hiding the post-baby "pooch"
  

RELATIONSHIPS:

• I love you, but you love meat: not only an interesting commentary on veganism, but also an interesting commentary for all of us to consider about how personal idiosyncracies or preferences might keep otherwise compatible men & women from marrying and starting a family together.
• 83 Years of Marriage: what a neat story! Maybe we'll make it to 83 years-- there's at least a chance- we were married at 21! :)
• Holding Out: Boundless wrote a great article about young Christian singles who seem to be waiting for greener pastures... I'd love to hear from you guys on this-- do you think this is an accurate assessment of how things are going among Christian singles/college students?
• Either Serve God Wholeheartedly OR Get Married?
• An honest commentary about the "appeal" of abstinence education as it's been done by churches and Christian families in recent decades

THOUGHTS ON FAITH:

• 6 Aspects of Humility: Desiring God blog reminds us of what it means to be humble
• Brother Yun's Thoughts on the Western Church: See America's churches through the eyes of a Chinese house church pastor
• Obeying the Word of God: Terry reminds us to focus on obeying the basics of Scripture.
• The Unwasted Life: Tamara writes about intentional living-- living for God's glory-- living in light of eternity... good stuff.
  

WOMANHOOD:

• Girls: Rod Dreher shares his thoughts about the natural differences between the sexes.
• Is a Woman Just an Egg-Factory? Around the world, this is happening more and more.
• Bratz at the Beach: Crunchy Con shares some great thoughts about how the culture is affecting teenage and college-aged girls and their aims & dreams. It's disappointing and insightful all at once.
• Buying Clothes: the frustration of being a normal woman in a sex-driven, cleavage-baring, nothing-off-limits world-- do you ever find yourself wondering, "where can I get some normal clothes???"
  

ON POLITICS:

• An Open Letter to the Religious Right: WOW. I found myself nodding along to so much of this... especially-- ESPECIALLY-- the part about Ann Coulter.
• Mike Huckabee's take on the Obama/pastor/race issue
• Why Mike Huckabee's candidacy mattered
• Missing Mike Huckabee already
  

MISCELLANEOUS USEFUL or INTERESTING LINKS:

• Questions You Should Never Ask ANYONE- my friend Bethany compiled a great list of rude questions people ask when they oughtta just bite their tongue (I've been asked some of these!)!
  
• Stages of Responsibility: I found this to be helpful for ideas and to evaluate the reasonableness of asking kids to do various things around the house. It's a listing of chores and home responsibilities based on children's ages and skill levels
• On My Sewing Machine: Shannon might just inspire you to pull out the fabric & thread!
• Depressed in the Lap of Luxury: Why "having it all" does NOT equal happiness
  
• "How I Feed My Family of EIGHT on $300 a month"-- need grocery-savings tips? I think this woman's series of articles is a great place to start!
• Battling Sexual Sin
• Why I Don't Read Your Blog - I found myself nodding to a lot of these-- I've had to cut back on my blog reading anyhow (it's just overwhelming, and I easily fall into what Joe Carter described himself as-- a complete media junkie), but this list describes some of the reasons why I choose not to read certain blogs (ETA: Additionally, I found this list helpful in identifying problem areas that I need to avoid when blogging.)
  
• Jonah: Too Horrifying for Kids? - an honest appraisal of the dumbing down and p.c.-ing of Bible stories
• Designed for Sex: an incredibly good article about what sex is for and what we lose when we lose sight of God's plan for intimacy
  

GOOD FOR A LAUGH:

• This is something I've always been bothered by: the phrase "Hedge of Protection"-- and Tim Hawkins' comments about it cracked me up!
  

Thoughts on Being Wife & Mother: A Letter to My Daughter

While I'm sharing about childbirth and labor experiences, I thought I'd share a letter about these things that I recently wrote to my daughter, in her celebration book. (I don't really keep a "baby book", per se, for her. I started a memory book for her to record her major "firsts" and anything I or others want to share with her for her to read as she grows to be a young woman.) So here's the letter I wrote a couple weeks ago, as I began to prepare for the end of this pregnancy:

*******

Being a wife and mommy, Maranatha-- there is NOTHING like it!

I'm no expert. I've been a wife for almost 8 years and a mom for almost 6-- but I'm telling you- WHAT an adventure! This silly "modern" world will tell you that 'you can do anything a man can do'-- and to some degree, they've made it so that that's true (although men still have the corner on being daddies!). :-) But here's what they don't tell you: you can do some things, Maranatha, that NO man can do.

If God allows it, you can carry a baby inside your very own skin- feeling his or her little feet and fists and knees draw circles on the inside of your belly. You can lay in bed and marvel at this precious child inside of you in a way that no man will ever know. You can nurse a little one-- and know the joy of being used by God to nurture and sustain the life of a darling little human, created by God in His image.

Oh, and Maranatha-- there are so many things God teaches us through these roles of wife and mother.

1. These roles connect us to God. *When you've literally given up your name and identity to submit and be a helper for the husband God gives you, what a picture that is of how we should be all the more submissive to and identified with Christ! *When you've poured out every drop of energy, sleep, breastmilk, love and attention that you possess for a little person who (at 3-4 weeks old) still doesn't even smile at you-- you have a sense of how much God gives us, though we do absolutely nothing for Him. *When your child is sick or in danger, you begin to comprehend how DEEPLY God loves us. *When you have a second child, you begin to understand how God can love each of us SO intensely, though we are all so different from one another.
2. These roles connect us to Jesus' birth and life. *How sweet it is to have a baby growing inside of you and reflect on what Mary must have felt and dreamed for the baby Jesus in her womb. *How amazing to consider that this young Hebrew girl didn't have babycenter.com or "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or parenting classes at the hospital-- and yet, God gave her a cousin to assist through the labor & delivery of John the Baptist, so that she (a virgin) might be ready for this pain and work of bringing a baby into the world. *How sweet to nurse my babies, inspecting each hair swirl and toe and gazing into their eyes, and try to identify what Mary must've felt as she did these same things, knowing that THOSE hair swirls, toes, and eyes were formed, NOT by two humans' intercourse, but by GOD! * And I don't yet have a 33-year-old son, but I imagine I will one day be able to reflect all the more on Christ's death by considering Mary's anguish as a mother at the cross.
3. These roles connect us to the Word of God. As a wife and mother, we are so connected to these stories of the women of the Bible, and can far better understand so much of the Word of God as we grow as women. *Hannah's longing for a child, *Sarai's quickness to "fix" the problem of not having a son, followed by her rage and jealousy towards Hagar, *Hagar's sorrow for Ishmael, when she thought they would die in the desert, *Rebekah's nature of trickery and manipulation on behalf of her son-- (your love for your children -if you don't submit that to God- can cause sin in your life!), *Rachel's intense jealousy and hatred of her own sister, all over children and jealousy (you'll see when you get to be a mommy one day-- comparisons KILL!), *Song of Solomon--what a wonder it is to love a husband and be able to draw insight from the Word about human and divine love, *Verses that compare God to a mother caring for children or nursing her baby.

Precious one, there is so much this world wants to 'teach' you, and there will be so many things that will vie for your heart and mind-- but I would urge you with all of my heart and mind to seek out the ways of God instead.

Instead of trying to be like a man, be the whole and complete woman that GOD MADE YOU to be! And Maranatha, that may or may not include being a wife. It may or may not include having biological children. It may or may not include breastfeeding. These things are all precious gifts from God, and they are indeed what women are designed for.

But, baby girl, whatever God crafts you for-- do it with ALL your heart and ALL YOUR MIGHT-- as a woman who longs to better know and please God through your experiences in this sinful (but still beautifully created) world.

Don't buy the lies that your worth is found in "breaking down barriers" of gender. Trust the way God designed you and let HIM direct your path. Oh how I love you, precious one. I can't wait to see what God will do with you in your life.

All My Love,
Mommy

p.s.- There are many woman who have been faithful in their service for Jesus Christ who have not known what it is to be a wife and/or mother. And yet they were and are gloriously designed by God and used for HIS purposes. It is not these roles which I seek to praise-- but GOD! His designs and purposes for us are perfect-- whatever they do or don't include. I praise Him for His design of women- married and single alike. He has wonderfully made us!

But I share all of this as a caution for you-- don't listen to the world and its goals for your life. Seek God and HE WILL make your path straight, darling girl. He is faithful; the world is fickle. TRUST HIM!

*******

And I pray God's blessings will rest on you, as a woman, wherever God has you on this path of womanhood. His plans for us are amazing and we will do well to trust HIM no matter where it leads.

ADVICE & ANSWERS: Sexual Problems in Marriage

Has your marriage survived or worked through significant sexual problems? If so, please ponder these questions that were left in the comments of the recent "Being Sexy For Your Husband" series and consider leaving your thoughts for some commenters in need of wisdom and encouragement.

Specifically, there are three that have been left in the last couple of days, and I'd be grateful for your biblical, loving responses to them. Here are snippets from each:

#1- THE PROBLEM OF PORN:
On Part FOUR, anonymous left this comment on March 1, 2008 at 8:16AM:

"In recent months, my husband has expressed that he's bored in bed and joked about his desire in watching me and another girl. I clearly said "no" and explained why such practices go against our spiritual beliefs and wellbeing. ...But then today, I found a few links to videos of lesbi@n porn [on our computer]. Now I'm concerned that he's turning to porn for sexual satisfaction. First of all, how should I approach him about this issue and what should I do about it?" CLICK HERE to read the entire comment.

#2- THE PURPOSE & NATURE OF SEX:
On PART FIVE, anonymous left this comment on March 4, 2008 at 6:25AM:

"I refuse to believe that sex is a pure act in a fallen world. ...Even in a marriage, sex is a "necessary evil" because there is no other way to propogate the species. The fact that some people "burn" is just another indication that it is sin and God has provided an outlet, almost as a concession that it's better to use a spouse to "get off" than to engage in more egregious sexual sins. All I know is that sex has always left me feeling used and dirty. ...Woman are nothing more than a creation for man. How could a holy, loving God do that?" CLICK HERE to read the entire comment.

#3- LACK OF DESIRE ON THE PART OF A HUSBAND:
On PART FIVE, on March 5, 2008 at 3:39PM:

"Hi there. I have read through your posts because sexual problems have been a continual problem since I got married 7 years ago. ...My husband is totally not what this world portrays a man to be aka 'tiger'! ...He has never once initiated sex and now we have not been'one' for months. I find it very depressing. ...The problem is that we have talked about it over and over again............and then nothing. ...I don't even want to have the 'but it's so important to our marriage and me' conversation as I feel like a record going round and round and nobody is listening. Sigh." CLICK HERE to read the entire comment.

I'd ask you to prayerfully consider if you might have some specific insight or information to share with any of these women, and if so, please leave your thoughts for them as they weigh these serious heart issues. You may choose to leave your comments here on this post, but please identify whether you are referring to #1 (The problem of porn), #2 (The purpose of sex), or #3 (Lack of husband's desire).

I debated with myself about how to handle these, and decided that since they were left recently and many of you may not be back to check the comments on those threads, AND since they are all left anonymously and thus will not be putting anyone "on the spot", that I'd bring them to your attention here, and ask for your input.

Thanks for considering these difficult but real-life problems in this area of biblical sexuality in marriage.

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part five)

This is the last in a 5-part series examining if and how Christian wives should be "sexy" towards their husbands. Click below to read previous installments:

PART ONE: Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?
PART TWO: Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
PART THREE: What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages?
PART FOUR: Should there be a difference in our attitudes, countenance, and the way we carry our body in public and in private?


In this final post, I want to examine the question: How important is this in a Christian marriage?

While the actual specific degree of importance of intimacy may vary from one marriage to another (at various ages, stages of life, and with different levels of desire), across the board, we can broadly answer, "extremely important".

* BIBLICALLY, marital sexual intimacy is deemed important.
The fact that physical oneness was given by God as one of the original purposes of marriage, and the fact that the Apostle Paul (a single man who generally took a high view of celibacy and singleness) wrote about the importance of regular physical intimacy between marriage partners, as well as the fact that one entire book of the Bible speaks about the love relationship between a man and his wife, tell us that this is indeed an important part of the marriage relationship.

* CULTURALLY, marital sexual intimacy is clearly important.
Our own culture and its struggles with sexual sin speak to the importance of this relationship. (Frankly, having lived in or visited many different cultures around the world, I have personally seen that this is a universal HUMAN problem.) Yes, sexual sin can happen without any problems in the marriage relationship, but many, many marriages struggle in this area, and the Bible itself tells us that deprivation or problems in this area of intimacy can lead to sexual sin (1 Co. 7). Because of the growing problem of porn and the rise of divorce and affairs (including in the church), we must be even more vigilant to guard and work on our marriages in this area of intimacy.

* RELATIONALLY, marital sexual intimacy is extremely important.
Just as communication is a key factor in a close marriage relationship, physical oneness is another key area for maintaining the strength of a marriage. When a husband or wife is consistently refused or denied intimacy, it can produce bitterness, anger, humiliation, self-consciousness, and can encourage negative or sinful behaviors in the spurned spouse.

WHAT IF SEX ISN'T IMPORTANT TO ME AS A WIFE?
Sadly, I have heard many wives speak of the weekly "obligation" with a tinge of disgust, and some just see it as an undesirable but unavoidable need of a silly husband. Each case is different-- some probably feel this way because they picked up this attitude from their mother or from society; sometimes, a lack of sexual freedom and excitement in intimate activities can contribute to boredom or the feeling that it's unimportant; and sometimes the marital act has been linked in a wife's mind with sexual sin and thus is morally repugnant to her. A recent commenter in this series on intimacy expressed her own difficulty in comprehending why sex is so important in the marriage relationship and received good biblical responses from many other women about this issue. Seeing sex as unimportant or undesirable is not an uncommon feeling, but it is an unbiblical attitude towards God's gift of intimacy.

If you've struggled with not comprehending the importance of intimacy in the marriage relationship, I'd encourage you to examine why that is, and what might be changed in order for you to begin to view intimacy in the proper, biblical light. Perhaps a good manual with specific tips on mechanics might help. Perhaps reading a book like "Sheet Music" or "Intimacy Ignited" could give you more insight as to the biblical view of marital sex. Perhaps taking full advantage of the freedom in marriage (and enjoying more than just the same-old, same-old) might give you more interest. But I'd encourage you to work to find ways that this can become more than a routine or tainted act for you.

WHAT IF THE WIFE WANTS IT AND THE HUSBAND DOESN'T?
This is a frequent problem, but is rarely, if ever, addressed in our culture because of cultural views of men and women's sexuality. If you read the cultural messages, it's clear that men are supposed to be like sexual tigers no matter what, but this simply isn't the case. Sometimes it's a medical issue, sometimes it's because of a porn or sexual addiction that keeps his interest elsewhere, and sometimes it's a genuine lack of interest, but regardless of the reason, the husband in this marriage is every bit as wrong to withhold himself from his wife as a wife would be in the reverse situation. 1 Corinthians 7 makes it clear: "your body is not your own". This applies to the husband OR the wife. In fact, Paul's first command in this area is to husbands, in verse 3: "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband."

So what should a wife do in this situation, if her husband is withholding intimacy from her? To be honest, I've wrestled with this question for some time now, and I'm not entirely sure. Certainly, she has "conjugal rights" that ought not be denied. But I wonder if others have thoughts on this? Does Matthew 18 apply here? Should she involve others and/or pastoral authorities? Should she just set up a doctor's appointment and see if there's a medical reason, thereby forcing the issue? How do you think a wife should biblically address this with a husband who is disinterested in sex?

A KEY ISSUE FOR HUSBANDS
Even considering the problem of the previous section, a majority of men still rank this as the primary issue of importance to them. As one friend pointed out to me, this could be because so many men are being denied regular times of intimacy. Perhaps it would not be seen as so crucial if they were receiving enough of it. But just as some wives feel conversationally deprived, many, many husbands feel sexually deprived. The difference, of course, is that we can make conversation with anyone we please. (I'm not trying to give husbands an "out" on communication-- it's a VERY important part of marriage. I'm just pointing out the difference between conversation and intimacy, as the primary needs of men and women, generally speaking.)

However, we as wives are the ONLY ones who can biblically meet the sexual needs of our husbands (and, conversely, they are the only ones who can biblically meet our sexual needs). When we do not do so, we risk not only sin but the decline and destruction of the marriage relationship. Many books have pointed out that a husband who is sexually fulfilled would be willing to do sink-fulls of dishes while walking on burning hot coals to please his wife if she so desired... but that when a man is not sexually fulfilled, it breeds depression and discontent unlike any other unmet need. The Bible itself makes clear that sexual regularity is a key to preventing sin from creeping up in the marriage.

SO, ULTIMATELY, HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
My basic point is this: Considering that the marriage relationship is our primary relationship in life behind our relationship with God, and considering that intimacy was given by God as a gift to us (not a curse or a sin), and considering that the health of a marriage relationship is very often linked with the health of intimacy in that relationship, this is an EXTREMELY important issue for Christian wives. We need to be aware of it, we need to make intentional efforts in this area, and we need to strive to love and serve our husbands in this area. (And frankly, not just see it as an act of drudgery, but work to take delight and joy in this area of relationship with our husbands.) We can do even this "as unto the Lord", as an act of worship and submission to God in our lives.

I don't in any way want to sensationalize this issue or focus on it in an unhealthy way, but I am personally convicted that this one issue, if dealt with biblically within Christian marriages, could keep many from sin, could prevent many future sins of our children, and could give glory to God by making Christian marriages all that they should be as a picture of the love relationship between Christ & the Church.

I'd love to hear any additional thoughts you have about this. Is this an area where you struggle? Do you or have you struggled to see the importance of this issue in your marriage? Do you have a hard time meeting these needs because of the view and education you've been given of sexuality and intimacy? Are you a wife struggling with a husband who is disinterested? Do you have insights as to how a spouse can deal with this issue if they are being refused intimacy? As always, leave your comments (anonymous comments OK on this series!).

I hope you've enjoyed this series; I know I have enjoyed brushing up on learning about these things, and I've really enjoyed your comments.

{FYI: I'm contemplating doing a follow-up post or two about porn, but it's such a difficult subject, and it's so personal, AND it's affecting so many Christian marriages in so many ways. Let me know if this would be of interest to you, or if you have any good links/resources in this area that I can highlight. Thanks!}

Graphic ("Painting" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part four)

This is #4 in a 5-part series examining if and in what ways Christian wives should be "sexy" towards their husbands. Click below to read previous installments:

PART ONE: Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?
PART TWO: Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
PART THREE: What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages?

So then today, we'll look at question #4:

Should there be a difference in our attitude, countenance, and the way we carry our body in public and in private?

The short answer is, "Yes!" But, more specifically, we must consider in what ways we should be distinctive in public and in private.

• In our attitude. As Christian wives, our husbands should never have any reason to question our faithfulness or commitment to them. Nor should they doubt our love and respect. So, in that, our attitude about our husbands (respectful, loving, and supportive) should be the same whether we are out in public or at home. More on the point of being sexy though, I think we need to be careful that we only have a flirtatious and enticing attitude towards our husbands. Some women exude confidence and vivacity and friendliness towards other men can be perceived as flirtation. As Christian women, we need to be aware of those tendencies, and be careful to (as far as it lies within our power) not come across as inviting attention from other men.
  
  
• In our appearance. We're to be attractive and seductive for one man only-- the husband God gave us. That doesn't mean that we go to the store or church looking like a frump and only wear makeup when we're in the bedroom. But I think it SHOULD mean that it's not the reverse-- others shouldn't be the only ones who see us at our best. I'm definitely not saying that we never are allowed to wear sweats in our homes or have a ponytail or an "off" day. But what I am saying is that we need to be certain that we DO give our husband reason to find us attractive and beautiful. In the Song of Solomon, the young woman has clearly tried to do things (for example, wear jewelry, and use her eyes) to captivate her husband. It is good to work to be beautiful and captivating towards our own husbands. That doesn't mean the same thing for all of us-- some husbands couldn't care less about make up, or wearing certain styled clothes, or lingerie, or whatever... but some do- and we need to be aware of those preferences and be appealing towards our own husband.
  
  
• In the clothes that we wear. We shouldn't dress in public in ways that are tantalizing towards men in general. If your husband likes a particular color on you, or a particular outfit, I don't see any problem with wearing it... with this caveat: we are not to be tempting towards other men. I have experienced this a few different times in the past, where I've noticed that a Christian married woman will dress in ways that are clearly inappropriate, and her husband seems to derive pride from that, as though he WANTS other men to notice his wife in a sexual way.
  
  We are specifically told in the Word not to be a stumbling block for others, so I'll put it this way: I don't see ANY problem with dressing however you want to, for your husband's eyes alone. When we're in public settings, it is fine to be pretty and intentionally keep ones' self up. And it's not wrong to wear clothes that look nice or show that you are, in fact, a woman. :-) But as Christian women, we need to put the needs and struggles of our brothers in the Body of Christ ahead of our own desires to look chic or hot or sexy or whatever else our culture (or sometimes, even our own husbands or friends) may tell us to shoot for.
  
  
• In the way that we talk. Some things are only for husbands and wives to discuss. Some things, I believe, are OK for us to talk about with same-sex friends as we work through issues that come up or have questions that we need to talk through. But most things of the sexual realm aren't to be opened up as conversation with just any old person. Our culture has blurred a lot of the lines of what's acceptable, but we need to be cautious in the way that we talk and the subjects we discuss, particularly in mixed company.
  
  
• In the way we carry our bodies. Privately, between you and your husband, your body is not your own-- it was made for him, and God called that union good. So, I believe you can do whatever you please as far as fabrics, dancing, outfits, lotions and other accessories, and whatever else you and your husband desire. Publicly, however, we need to be aware of the people around us, and not be seductive towards others (intentionally or unintentionally).
  A few examples:
  -when wearing a blouse, be aware of the neckline, and if it would be revealing, use a free hand to hold it to your collarbone if you bend over with men around you.
  -be aware of your pants/underwear line and don't sit or bend in ways that reveal to others what you have on underneath!
  -ask your husband what parts of your body or the way you carry yourself might be a struggle for other men (for some of us, it's hips; for some, it's the chest; for others it might be the way you walk), and strive to not entice others with that particular attribute.
  
  
• In our interactions with our husbands. Candidly, I'm of the opinion that far too little snuggling and hand-holding happens between Christian married couples. We're the ones who have the God-ordained right to do these things, and yet our culture tells us that only hot young singles kiss in public, or only teenagers hold hands and lean on each other lovingly.
  
  We've got it BACKWARDS! !! We shouldn't be afraid to hold hands and look at each other with joy and appreciation for each other. (Particularly in our homes in front of our children, so that they see a living example of a loving marriage, but that's another topic for another day...). Yes, we need to be careful to keep private things private. There's definitely balance needed. My feeling on this, though, is that our Christian culture leans far too heavily towards the "No PDA" rule among married couples than to need to be reined in. And our young people are suffering for it-- they're buying the lie-- that Christian couples don't have any fun and certainly don't know about "the s word" (sex). I believe that the healthiest way for our culture and our children to learn about God's REAL intentions for sex is to see us enjoying our marriages and the physical oneness God has given us. And how better than for them to see us acting like we REALLY DO like each other?!?!?!
  

So, for my part, I am convinced that private behavior and interactions between a man and his wife that do not violate Scripture (we talked about that in PART THREE) are fully permissible and can be a wonderful part of the marriage relationship. But we must be careful, as Christian women, not to act, dress, or speak in public in ways that tantalize others in the ways that we entice and delight our husbands.

I'd love to hear your input on these, because many of these really are my subjective views... so far, all of the "opinions" expressed in the posts of this series have come from Scripture. But this one is really just my thoughts on the issue, so I'd love to hear yours.

CLICK HERE TO READ PART FIVE of this series.

Graphic ("Dusk" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part three)

What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages? That's the topic of consideration today in this series about Christian wives being "sexy" for their husbands.

So far in this series, we've addressed two questions:
(1) Should a Christian wife be enticing and seductive towards her husband? (To put it simply, the answer is "YES!!!")
(2) Where does the standard for what is "sexy" come from? (The basic answer is ultimately from God, and specifically from your spouse.)

This third question will help us define the ways that we can go about enticing and seductive towards our husbands.

Biblically speaking, there are three clear areas that are off-limits, and we'll talk about each one individually:

1. Anything that involves anyone else outside of the marriage relationship is clearly off-limits.
   The Bible makes it clear that the two people in a marriage become one flesh. There are no others included in this union. Marriage is explicitly between one man and one woman for life. (Mt 19:4-5, 1 Ti 3:2 & 12)
   
   So, with that in mind, adultery, homosexuality, incest, orgies, and pornography all fall clearly outside the boundaries of what is acceptable in a Christian marriage. Anything that in any way involves other people outside of the husband-wife relationship is off-limits for believers.
   
   [***Some may ask why pornography is not acceptable, if both husband and wife are open to it or willing to view it... but the question is not whether or not we as humans find something OK or not, but whether God Himself finds it acceptable or not. There is an abundance of Scripture that speaks to the issue of pornography, and lust (1 Co 6:12 & 10:23, Job 31:1, Matt. 5:28-29, and more), and the Word makes it clear that this is not an option for a Christian marriage. ***]
   
   
2. Anything that demeans one of the partners or violates personal convictions is off-limits.
   Christian husbands and wives are told to love and respect each other (Eph 5), so we know that we are not to do anything that causes either party to feel unloved or disrespected. We are also clearly told not to do anything that violates the conscience of another believer (Ro 14:1 & 14 & 23).
   
   At the same time, we also need to be certain that our consciences and convictions are biblically-informed and not based merely on prudish or unbiblical ideas that sex is icky, dirty, or in any way wrong. Sadly, this is something I have seen a LOT among Christian women. I have heard women tell how they were taught that a good Christian woman would never enjoy intimacy with her husband, because it's naughty, sinful, or just something bad girls do. Perhaps her mother taught her (through words or actions) that sex was dirty and only to be used as a bargaining chip with her husband. Others have been taught that sex should only rarely be "granted" to a needy husband.
   
   I cannot state plainly enough how all of these ideas are lies.
   
   I'm convinced that our enemy, the devil, has planted these ideas in Christian homes over recent decades at the precise time that the world was getting more and more sexually explicit and "liberated", so that Christian families could increasingly be successfully attacked by him in this area of intimacy, lust, and sexual issues. We must heed biblical convictions, but we must discard unbiblical ideas that would undermine this precious gift of intimacy in the marriage relationship.
   
   1 Cor 6:12 says that all things are permissible for us as believers but not all things are beneficial, nor are we to be mastered by anything. According to Dr. Lewis Smedes, "The Christian word on trying out a sexual practice that is not prohibited in Scripture is 'Try it. If you like it, it is morally good for you. And it may well be that in providing new delight to each other; you will be adventuring into deeper experiences of love.'"
   
   
3. Not "doing it" is not an option in a Christian marriage.
   1 Cor. 7:3-5 tells us outright that we are not to deprive one another of intimacy. (We've discussed this in greater detail in previous posts here at Making Home: Intimate Deprivation, Exhausted of Excuses, and Sex in a Christian Marriage).
   
   What this looks like in one couple may look different from what it looks like in one couple. For example, a military couple who may be separated for a time will not have the same kinds of intimacy as a couple where the husband is home 7 nights a week. Nor will that couple's love life look the same as a couple where the husband drives trucks 5 days a week and is home on the weekends. And some couples, as a unit, have greater drives and desires for intimacy than others.
   
   But for all of us, the key is to "not deprive". Which means that we need to ask our spouses what their needs are and let them know what our needs are. It also means that we are to meet each other's needs, not begrudgingly or with strings attached-- but as part of our obedience to the Lord. We are not given the option of merely living as roommates or buddies... we are to lovingly and regularly meet those needs that God has given to our spouse.

So, aside from these three things (anything that would involve other people, anything that would violate one's conscience or be demeaning, and avoiding sex), I believe we are free within marriage to delight in each other. What that will mean for each couple will look different. Some are more active than others, some are more spontaneous than others, some will try and do new and different things all the time, and some will primarily delight in a few favorite ways of being together. None of this is wrong, and all of it can be absolutely wonderful and God-honoring.

Indeed, aside from these specific prohibitions, "all things are permissible", and we can, without shame, enjoy freedom in the marriage relationship. Studies show that Christians have better and more satisfying sex lives than those in the culture around us, so there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! God has given us a beautiful gift in the gift of intimacy and we can enjoy it to the full!



*** READER DISCRETION ADVISED: None of the following sites contain pornographic or offensive images, but all of these are intended for Christian married adults only.***

Here are some additional resources and sites you may want to browse for more information:

• GrowthTrac: What's OKAY in bed?
• Passions Lingerie and Gifts- a porn-free Christian website to safely browse and shop for Christian intimacy aids/gifts. They explain their intentions this way: "We came to do this business because we feel that we need to change the current trend of lingerie stores by bringing it back to the way it was supposed to be... marriage-friendly." (Note from Jess: this is extremely rare-- in fact, this is the only website I know of that does not use real, human models to display lingerie options, but instead uses mannequins.)
  
• Covenant Spice- another porn-free Christian website intended for marital intimacy. They have this belief statement: "Covenant Spice is dedicated to strengthening marriages and increasing playfulness and intimacy in your sex life. We believe God created marriage to be a lifelong passionate romance."
• Faithful Loving Romance Products- candles, bath & massage products, oils and lotions all designed for marital intimacy.

As always, let me know what you think... I'm always interested in your thoughts and comments!

CLICK HERE TO READ PART FOUR in this series.

Graphic ("Le Soir" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part two)

So, earlier in the week, when we visited this subject, we considered the question, "Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?" This is part two of the series examining the wife's role in intimacy in a Christian marriage. Today, we'll consider:

Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
The answer to this question is in two parts:

1. From God, which leads us to #2...
2. From your spouse

God Himself explicitly draws the boundaries for sexual gazes, thoughts, and actions within marriage. God made sex. Therefore, He gets to tell us what it's for, who gets to do it, and what the appropriate boundaries are for it. Let's look at a few Scriptures that reveal God's ideas about sexiness:

• Matthew 5:26- "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Our standards for what is "sexy" and desirable do not come from anyone outside the marriage covenant (as adultery would be).
• Job 31:1- "I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?" This is Job talking, a man God describes in Job 1 as "blameless and upright... who turns away from evil". Our standards for what is "sexy" do not come from the young and beautiful people around us. (Contrary to what People magazine, Oprah, and myriad TV shows, movies, and websites would have us believe!)
• Proverbs 5:18-19, 21- "Rejoice in the wife of your youth, ...Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love... For a man's ways are before the eyes of the LORD." It is in one's spouse that "intoxicating" love should spring up. God-honoring men are instructed by God to rejoice in, delight in, and be intoxicated in their wives. As their wives, we need to see this and enjoy it, and be willing to walk in that, as God's design. To say it outright, we need to allow our husbands to "be intoxicated" with our love. We need to be willing to let them delight in us!
  
• Song of Solomon... we examined it last time. In every way, this book of the Bible points towards mutual delight and satisfaction between marriage partners and in no way do outside sources come into play in their intimate life. Though neither spouse is perfect, and certainly could be found to have defects when compared to others in particular areas, you would never know that from reading this book. These two lovers find themselves wrapped up only in each other. They aren't taking cues from people outside the relationship; they are fully intoxicated, seduced, and enraptured by each other.
  

By God's design then, what we find "sexy" is to be defined by who we marry.

We need to recognize that we will desire what we have developed an appetite for... and ladies, this affects both us and our husbands as we come to the marriage bed.

HOW THIS AFFECTS US AS WIVES:
To me (and I've had people argue with me about this, but I firmly believe this to be true) this means that we, as Christian wives, are not to spend time focusing on the "People's Sexiest Men", or the movie star everyone's talking about, or the construction men we pass on the road (or whatever you've been trained by your environment, society, and culture to find "attractive"). We shouldn't be dwelling on "which actor is the sexiest" or "did you see ______ in ______?" And we need to be cautious in what we take in, particularly examining what we're reading and what we're viewing.

We shouldn't allow our minds to dwell on anything outside of the boundaries of what God has called "good" (Phil. 4:8), which means (as we noted above) that we will derive our standards of "sexiness" from our husbands. Whoever you married, THAT'S your standard of what is attractive. THAT'S what you need to dwell on. Just as you are not entirely without fault ;) , I'm certain that your husband is also going to have areas that aren't as "perfect" as all the images we've seen on TV and movies, or as romantic and completely sensitive and thoughtful in every way as the "heroes" we see in movies and books, BUT-- we must delight in those things that ARE pleasing. The more we do that, the more (I believe) we will be able to say, as Solomon's bride did, "he is altogether desirable" (Song of Solomon 5:16).

And a wife who is attracted to her husband will undoubtedly be more attractive to her husband than if she were frigid and unresponsive and focused on critically comparing him to Hollywood's latest "hunk".

One more thought: We as Christian women need to be careful about what outside sources WE listen to and let define what we think of as sexy. If our husbands find something sexy, we need to take THAT to heart. Forget what Victoria and her "TV specials" have to say about it! Ignore the messages from the world that would tell you that you are not enough. If need be, turn off the fashion shows and talk shows that would make you think that you have to look a certain way or wear a certain size in order to be attractive (and this cuts both ways-- thin women are often made to feel bad for not being curvy and those of us who aren't the thinnest ones in every room we walk into are made to feel bad for not looking like a Swedish woman who is 6 feet tall and weighs 120 pounds)!

If something is offending you and/or undermining you in your marital joy, CUT IT OUT! Quit listening to the world's messages about what you have to be in order to be delightful for your husband! GOD MADE YOU-- He knew who you would marry, He knew you'd live in this time and place. Be what you can be for your husband, but don't feel bad about what you can not be, and don't let outside sources make you feel like you're not enough!

HOW THIS AFFECTS OUR HUSBANDS:
Our husbands have been inundated with images and messages from the world that tell them what they should have an appetite for. Even the most pure and restrained man has been exposed to thousands of images of beautiful, seductive women. And for those who have been repeatedly exposed to or addicted to pornography, the battle within them rages even stronger. Knowing this, we need to be proactive about giving them delightful, God-honoring things to think about (which means US!). :)

I'd encourage you to read through Song of Solomon and notice all the body parts Solomon mentions about his bride. Consider the ways that you can actively encourage your husband to delight in the "choicest fruits" (Song of Solomon 4:16) that God has given you. For some of us, that may be very graceful neck and shoulders. For some, it will be a beautiful and seductive head of hair. Some of us have curves, some of us are thin, some of us are voluptuous, and some of us are dainty. But as women, we ALL have beautiful areas of our body, by God's design, and if we are married, it is good and right for us to (1) be available to our husbands, and (2) share our "choice fruits" with our husbands without shame or embarrassment. When we withhold our bodies from our husbands, even due to our own self-consciousness, we are making it difficult for them to obey scripture (delighting in the wife of their youth, keeping themselves from lust, etc.). We must be careful, as wives, to be open to them and to BE the standard of sexiness for them.

Biblically, our standards for what is "sexy" should come from our spouse. No one else, and nothing else. So if you find yourself dissatisfied, look at what you've been "intaking", and rid yourself of anything that encourages you to look outside of your marriage. Take delight in your husband or wife. And encourage and allow your spouse to take delight in YOU! Look to the one that God has made you one with for the "intoxicating" love He designed for you to experience. "REJOICE" in the lover He has given you, and don't let anything rob you of that joy in your husband or wife!

What are your thoughts and/or struggles with these ideas? Are there things that you've been "intaking" that need to be pitched? What could you do today to delight in your husband? What could you do today that would encourage (or allow) your husband to delight in you?

CLICK HERE TO READ PART THREE in this series.

Graphic ("Morning" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part one)

Q: Got this question from a reader (Annie):

Have you considered [writing about] "being sexy", or the idea that married, Chr