Making Home

Summer Sabbatical

2008-07-06T21:09:00.007+03:00

Well, I've been mulling this for a while, and I just need a break. I've got four precious children and an incredible man who deserve more of my attention than I'm currently giving.

I don't know about you guys, but this whole internet thing can really take over your life if you're not careful... and it can all be for good stuff-- Facebook to keep up with friends (good), homeschool groups online to keep up with schooling objectives and get wise advice when you need it (good), and blogs, glorious blogs to constantly stretch and challenge you, and to learn so very much about our world (also good). But it can eat away at life. REAL life. Life with family, celebrating birthdays and ordinary days. Life with friends, encouraging one another, enjoying jokes and sharing delicious meals. Life with children, teaching and training about God as we tickle and giggle and play family hide & go seek. Life.

I'm not quitting; I enjoy blogging too much for that. It not only gives me an outlet to process and share what I'm learning and taking in, but it also sharpens and challenges me in so many oh-so-wonderful ways.

That said, I just need a break. I'll be back. Maybe at the end of the summer or so. But until then, feel free to look around... through the archives and such, in the right-hand sidebar. Especially the "Show & Tells"-- you'll find so many links worth reading there.

I'll look forward to enjoying many more good discussions with you all about family, marriage, the Bible, and womanhood. Blessings to you and I hope you have a delightful rest of the summer, full of family, friends, and an ever-richer relationship with Christ Jesus our Lord.

[ETA: You can always e-mail me @ MakingHome@pobox.com]

A Woman, Her Mid-Life Crisis, & the Bible

2008-07-04T15:39:00.001+03:00

As I've read through this "Women Helping Women" book that I began last week (I'm loving it, by the way-- and I highly recommend it!), I've been struck by one thing in particular. Though I've read about many different difficult life circumstances and how to biblically serve and counsel the women in each situation, the one that has been the most sad to me is the woman who is caught off-guard at mid-life.

Perhaps she's peri-menopausal and has pursued her career all this time and now is faced with the fact that she can't have biological children.
Perhaps her children have been the center of her life and identity and now she has an empty nest.
Perhaps her husband has left her and "traded her in" for a younger, newer model.
Perhaps she's always been admired for her external beauty and now must face the reality of her declining physiology.
Perhaps caring for aging parents catches her off-guard and attacks her sense of peace and security, as well as wearing her out physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Often the years seem to have passed too quickly and she may feel used up

Whatever the case, the mid-life "crisis" is indeed something we need to brace ourselves for-- and try to prepare for, I think.

The facts are these:

There are chemical changes going on with women at this point. They are real. They are (from what I read, understand, and have seen) difficult to deal with. They are unpredictable and maddening at times.
There are almost always significant life changes going on with women at this point. They are sometimes heart-wrenching and nearly always leave women to have to find something new on which to focus.
God has provided a specific role for women at this age. Titus 2 gives maturing, experienced women a new place to invest... once they have raised their own families, managed a household, and lived as a disciple of Christ, they are to invest in passing that wisdom and the things that they've learned to younger women. God has given the middle-aged woman an important job! This is not the time to check out, or to disengage. When we reach this stage, we must remember that we are still desperately needed in the battle!

A LOOK AT NAOMI'S MID-LIFE CRISIS
Last night, while listening to Doug read the story of Ruth to the children during family Bible time, I was struck by the fact that Naomi is a classic biblical example of a mid-life crisis gone right. Incredibly difficult things had happened in her life and caused her to despair. She was stuck in a season of bitterness and dejection. She was so physically altered from her younger years that her friends asked each other, "is that really Naomi?" Her husband and sons had all died, her beauty, youth, and vitality was apparently gone, and her situation seemed hopeless.

Not only was Naomi in the throes of a very difficult season of life, but she was also stuck with two grieving, pagan daughters-in-law. She could take no more and decided to go home to Bethlehem. Though she urged them to remain in their home land, they journeyed on with her. After another urging, one of the young woman, Orpah, decided to return home. (An interesting sidenote: apparently, Jewish sages contend that Orpah was the grandmother of Goliath.)

BUT THEN THERE WAS RUTH...
But Ruth gave Naomi's life new hope. We see here what a breath of fresh air a younger woman can be for an older woman! To be loved, to be needed, to feel relevant and like you have something to offer-- Ruth gave Naomi all of these things. Naomi may have died quickly after her journey back to Bethlehem had it not been for Ruth... as we read of Ruth out scavenging through fields, it seems that Naomi was physically exhausted and amazed at Ruth's provision-- something she could not have done for herself. Naomi also seems to lack joy in her heart that would give her the motivation to make a life "from scratch" in Bethlehem. But Ruth gives her the motivation she needs.

BLESSING UPON BLESSING
And as Ruth pours her life and heart into helping and serving Naomi, Ruth is blessed in remarkable and eternal ways. But, conversely, as Naomi pours her life and heart into Ruth, Naomi is blessed. Blessed far beyond anything she could have ever done in Moab with two pagan sons in a pagan land. In fact, without Ruth's tenacity, we likely wouldn't even know that Naomi existed. And though Naomi isn't actually in the blood lineage of Christ, she becomes a fellow mother-in-law alongside a great woman of faith, the prostitute Rahab (Boaz's mother). Not only that, but she serves as grandmother to the grandfather of King David!

What an amazing "second half" of life God gave to Naomi! (In fact, a book has been written on that very theme: Second Calling: Passion and Purpose for the Rest of Your Life.) We need to take this to heart and not look with sadness at growing older-- though our culture SCREAMS in our ears that we become less and less beautiful, less and less useful, and less and less valuable as we age-- and instead, purpose that we will invest in others and continue to be used by God, maybe even more mightily in the second half of life.

I can't speak for you, but I pray that God will grow my usefulness and ability to love, minister, and effectively reach younger women as I grow older. I pray that I won't fall into a "carefree retirement", or like the book of Titus warns about, become an old biddy who takes more delight in having fun with wine than in pouring my heart and life out for the next generations. Father, keep us from it! Help us to remember how you took Naomi-- a broken, tired, bitter older woman-- and used her gloriously in Your incredible plan for humanity! Grow us into useful, godly older women, I pray!

Related reading: Putting Age in Perspective

Alistair Begg on Comparing Your Spouse

2008-07-02T11:26:00.005+03:00

Heard this today and decided to transcribe it and share it with you:

"Do we really think that we can sit on the plane and leaf through People magazine... and read about the exploits of the rich, the famous, the foolish, the cute... allow those images to penetrate the computer of our brain, and then realistically to apply the Bible to our marriage?

The fact is, it can't be done. And the degree to which we play with that stuff in our minds is the degree to which we make it increasingly difficult to live out this principle-- namely, DON'T COMPARE YOUR SPOUSE UNFAVORABLY WITH OTHERS in terms of looks, abilities, or anything." -- Alistair Begg, "How to Avoid Marital Failure"

And this was a bit later in the sermon:

"Don't take someone of the opposite sex into precincts that are the exclusive domain of your spouse. What does it mean? It means this: there's a lady in your office who thinks you've got broad shoulders and she'd like to cry on them? Tell her to keep moving. Go find someone else to cry on cause your shoulders are only for one girl to cry on, or more if you've got daughters.

(imitating someone else's voice) 'What, you call yourself a pastor and you say things like that?'

Yeah, cause I want to be a sensible pastor. Cause I want to be a married pastor. Cause I want to be a pure pastor for my kids growing up underneath me.

...Don't be so naive as to think that we can take into our lives that kind of stuff. You can't do it; you're not supposed to do it. You start to understand the principles of women ministering to women and men ministering to men... The only intimacy that should be enjoyed with someone of the opposite sex should be your wife or your husband, your sons or your daughters." --Alistair Begg, "How to Avoid Marital Failure"

After these (and a few other) things NOT to do, he added these prescriptions for marriage

(1) Be daily in prayer for the health of your marriage and the harmony of your home
(2) Be sacrificial in the expression of your love for each other. (Ask yourself, "what have I done in the last 7 days that was an act of sacrifice on my part for my spouse?")
(3) Be imaginative, daring, and occasionally extravagant in displaying your affection.
(4) Be sure that you don't use your children as the "glue" that holds you or the "wedge" that separates you. ("Remember this: the kids are the ones that are leaving-- we're the ones that are staying.")
(5) Be ruthless in resisting anyone or anything that will draw your affections from each other.
(6) Be ready to listen to, and willing to speak, about what's going on inside each other's heads.
(7) Be certain that a great marriage is possible with divine enabling and human effort.
(8) Be aware of how quickly time is passing, and seize the day.

And there's so much more worth hearing if you can track down this sermon. I highly recommend Alistair Begg's podcast, called Truth for Life.

Pregnancy is Like Engagement, and other random musings for pregnant moms...

2008-06-30T16:58:00.006+03:00

Whenever people ask what they should be reading or doing while pregnant, it always makes me think of the engagement time before a wedding. During the engagement period, most women are planning their weddings (a one day event), and very few are reading, learning, and being mentored in the ways of marriage. Is it any wonder our marriages are weak and falling apart?

In the same way, most pregnant women read 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' (I did too, I'm not bashing it at all!)... and the shelves of the pregnancy section at bookstores are full of journals, books full of advice, funny stories, and magazines focused on learning about the time leading up to a one-day event (labor/delivery). But very few 1st-time pregnant women are reading, learning, and being mentored in the ways of parenting.

I think it's great to have a developmental book or website where you can keep up to date on the growth of that sweet baby. It's so fun to know which parts are developing and how big they are! And that's a special part of pregnancy.

And I would recommend that you either sit down with a well-educated midwife or mom of many and learn about the phases of labor and what your body will do-- OR read a great book about it/watch a good video about it. Because, to make a long story short: It hurts. And you can do it. Knowing about it, though, makes it less stressful and empowers you to feel more confident throughout the process.

LEARN ABOUT THE NEXT THING
But the main thing I wanted to share, though, is this: In my life, I try to learn about the next thing. Not that I'm not satisfied in or enjoying what's going on NOW-- I am! But I try to learn about what's coming up next.

Like, right now, I'm watching and learning about the adolescent years and watching families going through those last few years of having a child in the home. Which may sound crazy. But the fact of the matter is that I have less than 5 years before I'm the mom of a pre-teen. And then, before I know it, I'll have a high schooler, and then I'll blink my eyes, and we'll have raised a young man. He'll turn 6 next week, but he's not going to stop having those birthdays. And if the "teen" years are as difficult to wade through as so many say, then I need to be gleaning all the wisdom I can--now.

When I was pregnant, I was asking questions about breastfeeding and sleeping habits. When I was nursing, I was asking questions about potty training and tantrums. When I was raising a 2 year old, I was starting to look into homeschooling. And now that I've got an early elementary aged kid, I'm reading about adolescence, about the transition from boyhood to manhood, and asking as many questions as I can from parents around us and the men that I know (mostly, my husband).

I'll be honest- I don't really get the mentality of only muddling through or bracing myself for each phase. I don't just want to muddle through-- I want to do it WELL! As well as I can, anyhow. And you probably feel the same way. I want to learn from others' mistakes and not think I have it all together... if others have a well-behaved toddler and I'm just snuggling with a newborn, then that is a great opportunity to try to "peek" into their lives and ask about and watch what they've done. If I'm just teaching my Kindergartner how to read, I can be reading about how to disciple teenagers. No matter what age my kids are, I can always be learning from parents who have "successfully" raised young adults who love Jesus and live godly lives.

If you don't already do this, I'd encourage you to learn from those who are slightly ahead of you on the road. Ask about the hows and whys of their parenting and family relationships.

SO MY ADVICE IS...
So, to the pregnant women out there (several of you have written lately to ask for book recommendations or ideas), I'd encourage you to read about parenting in the early years. And don't just take someone's advice because it sounds good or right-- look at how their parenting lines up with the Bible, and look at their children's countenance, behavior, and attitudes. There's a lot of advice and opinions out there to be had, but plenty of it is not only unbiblical but will produce miserable children who are miserable to be around. Give yourself enough time to really think, research, and pray about the options and methods you see around you and read about.

Don't wait until your daughter or son falls on the floor screaming and flailing around before you think through how you'll deal with a tantrum. Don't wait until your child slaps you in the face and screams "NO!" in the middle of a shopping trip to decide what kind of offenses will get a spanking. Don't solely parent by reacting... do some pro-active thinking now about your general philosophies and approaches to various parenting scenarios. Start getting "on the same page" with your husband now, so that when these things start happening, you all can approach parenting as a team rather than at odds with one another.

You'll be so glad later that you took the time now to look a few steps in front of you, in an effort to try to avoid missteps there, even while enjoying the view right where you are. That's my general advice to you moms-to-be out there. :) I'll list some specific book titles I personally have learned a lot from in the comments section. Any other thoughts or questions from moms-to-be?

Because I'm a mom and this is my blog and they are just so doggone cute. :-)

2008-06-27T13:54:00.008+03:00

Sometimes I just wanna share pictures of the sweetest little people in my life.

I love seeing my kiddos laughing together.

Ethan is now not only a Settlers of Catan player-- he is an addict. And he's good. What I want to know is, who does this before they're even 6 years old???

We sometimes call her "Princess Crazy Hair" because of how wispy her hair is these days. But this pigtailstravaganza puts a whole new spin on "crazy". :-)

And then there's my smiley little Silas. What a precious little guy.

Every now and then, I just have to break into all the discussions and heavy topics and share stuff like this so you'll have a visual picture of what motivates me to do this home and family thing with passion. :-) Thanks for indulging me.

Let's Talk House Cleaning...

2008-06-25T20:56:00.000+03:00

So I've heard/read a few sayings lately about housecleaning, and I wanted to share them and see if you had any thoughts or responses to them. I think they are all interesting, though decidedly different, perspectives on housekeeping.

#1-

"If the shelves are dusty and the pots don't shine,

it's because I have better things to do with my time."

#2-

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
~Phyllis Diller

#3-

"Keep your home clean enough to be healthy,
and dirty enough to be happy."

#4-

"The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes."
~Agatha Christie

#5-

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."
~The evil stepmother on Everafter, among other sources

So, pick one or two and share how it either supports or flies in the face of your "philosophy" of house cleaning, eh?

(And if you're a really great housekeeper, share a few tips as well, so those of us who are, ahem, less "gifted" in that particular area can learn from you!)

Summer Reading?

2008-06-24T09:36:00.006+03:00

So, I've just started reading "Women Helping Women"-- a great collection of specifics about "how to" do biblical counseling (by women, for women). I get a fair amount of ladies who come to me personally over e-mail after visiting Making Home with questions-- asking for help, advice, or prayer, so I felt this may be a good way to continue growing in this area of biblical counseling (until such time that I might be able to pursue a Masters in this area... which is something I've been mulling for some time).

I'm really excited about this book and about learning about counseling in areas that are less familiar to me (like post-abortion counseling, eating disorders, medical conditions, and singleness).

So, that's what I'M reading... what are YOU reading this summer (or planning to read)? Feel free to sell me on it and tell me why it's such a great book/topic. I do love a good book and you just might highlight something that someone else needs to read!

So tell me, what's on your summer reading list?

Thoughts on Sheltering

2008-06-16T22:15:00.002+03:00

Someone recently asked if I'd expand on my thoughts about rules/relationship and sheltering parenting. [Honestly, the subject has been better tackled elsewhere (Parenting with Love & Logic deals with teaching our children to make wise choices and allowing "affordable mistakes" while they're in our home... and other individuals have tackled these things online in terms of homeschooling far better than I could.). ]

Nevertheless, since I was asked to share, I'll share some from my personal perspective.

SOME OF MY STORY
Growing up, my parents were not repressive and judgmental, but my surroundings were. We were in a fundamentalist church circuit where virtually no pastor/church was "sound" enough for my dogmatic grandfather. Though I was saved at a young age, this environment smothered out the true love for Jesus that can grow in the heart of a child.

Long story short, I went along with my surroundings until I hit age 13, and then I rebelled against it until I was about 16. My parents felt convicted about things and intentionally left the hypocritical environment we had been in (a dying church which they'd been threatened by my grandpa to stay a part of), and sought out a vibrant Christian fellowship. After looking for months, they found it, and though at the time I didn't know why, but I no longer felt the need to rebel. I was drawn to the grace and truth I found among my peers and the families we encountered at this new church.

All that to say, when I was surrounded by rules, I rebelled big time, seeing no need to follow them because in my mind, there were absolutely no *benefits* to following the rules. The people around me all seemed grossly unhappy, personally dreary, and spiritually bored (or even dead). But when I was shown true fellowship, true joy among believers, and a pursuit of holiness-- not for self-righteousness, but out of a true desire to please God-- well, my heart fell in line with that really quickly. "Sign me up!"

What I learned in a nutshell: Christian joy flourishing in faith built on a strong foundation draws the soul toward Christ. An outward focus on rules and "perfection" kill the Spirit, focusing too strongly on the law.

The "world" I had grown up in was dry soil. I had heard about rich soil. They talked as if "this" was it. But it was dry and dead and had almost no beauty growing in it.

ODDLY ENOUGH, THOUGH... ENCOUNTERING A GREENHOUSE
The church we joined also had a HUGE contingency of quiver-full homeschoolers (a group of people which I'd never before encountered-- I'd never known ANYONE with more than 3 or at the most 4 children). Ironically, these homeschooled kids/teens weren't allowed to be in the youth group that was life-changing for me, drawing me deeper in faith. They were kept separate. I'd imagine their parents would have used terms like "wise sheltering" or given examples about greenhouses and flowers and how "until they're transplanted", they need to be "protected".

Problem is, those "plants" that had been completely sheltered didn't develop tough roots, and didn't learn how to feed themselves. Sure, they had knowledge... but they had never encountered others who saw the world differently. They'd never even been allowed to hang out with the incredibly godly public school kids I was challenged by in this youth group-- much less the worldly kids they would have encountered by taking jobs, or in some other way having intentional interaction with secular society. I'm sure their parents didn't mean to set their kids up for failure. Many of these parents are still baffled that their children didn't follow the "formula" they had tried to follow so carefully... and don't understand where things went wrong.

When these protected, secluded homeschooled young adults encountered the real world, with "real" sinners who seemed to be sinning and having a blast, they were fascinated. Without exception, they all fell prey to the appeal of the world, at least for a very long and painful season of adulthood. Many of them have never returned to faith.

THE PROBLEM WITH PROTECTION
Protection is a fine goal.

It's the goal of most people cultivating things. Of course you don't want hail to rain down on your newly growing seedlings. You don't want a bird to come and peck away at the plant you've worked so hard to grow. Yes, young plants need careful protection... but protection is NOT the ultimate goal of raising plants or crops or having a garden. And we homeschooling parents can sometimes forget this. While we may be honestly striving to do right by our kids, we could forget to transplant them until it's too late.

Once they're out of the house, whatever that looks like, we're going to be playing a far less significant role in their lives. So in my mind, the transplanting (for a plant, that means growing in REAL soil in the REAL open air rather than being in a potted plant in a greenhouse) needs to take place once we've given them a good start... probably in the early "teen" years.

TRANSPLANTING
Transplanting may look different for each family... but if we're going to do it successfully, I think we need to do it while we can still regularly offer up some water and fertilizer to encourage them towards godliness.

For example, one family in our youth group had 6 boys whom they homeschooled through 6th grade. From then on, they put the boys in public school. During that time, they played football (undoubtedly being exposed to all kinds of locker room talk) and kept up their studies while being discipled and mentored more deeply by their father. These last 6 or so years in their parents' home were devoted towards FAITH IN ACTION.

Another example: some families (like Voddie Baucham's) follow a three-part phase of raising children-- the obedience/training phase (teaching our young ones to heed our words), the catechism phase (teaching our children the deep doctrines and truths of scripture), and the discipleship phase (teaching our young adults how to put faith into action). So, the early years are devoted towards training in obedience ("Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord."), the elementary years are devoted towards teaching children truth about God, His Word, and faith (Deut 6:7), and the last years of parenting are spent with a focus on making disciples. Part of discipling is intentional life-on-life training. In the real world.

Jesus spent incredible amounts of TIME with His disciples-- but He didn't pull out to a cave to spend that time with them. He took them as He was going along in life-- talking to adulteresses, partying with tax collectors, going to weddings, mourning the dead, praying for the sick, pointing out the holiness and generosity of widows and the hypocrisy of the "religious". We can, I think, follow His example by not hiding from the world but doing our best as parents to use the world to continue our children's education.

SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
That doesn't mean every homeschooled kid should end up in public or private school. It doesn't mean every parent ought to opt for youth group. Or that every kid should work at some secular place like Trader Joe's or Krispy Kreme. But we SHOULD be intentional about letting our kids learn what the world is really like, and even letting them foul up from time to time. (Love & Logic talks about this-- letting our kids make "affordable mistakes"-- mistakes that they can learn from and we can live with.) Essentially, though, our kids need to, for themselves, find God faithful and value Him above what the world offers. And my experience and observations tell me that this doesn't happen when our ultimate goal is protection and sheltering.

OK, so I've shared my perspective on this-- but it's not fully developed and I've certainly not raised teenagers, or even begun to enter that world. So what are your thoughts? Those of you who have raised your children into adulthood? Those of you who ARE raising young adults? Public school moms? Other homeschool moms? What say all of you?

"Successful" Parenting

2008-06-13T13:54:00.017+03:00

We might all have different ideas about what successful parenting actually looks like in practice. Some do so-called "gentle" or attachment parenting... some follow particular books, authors, or methods for the "meat" of their parenting... some choose public schools... some make other choices.

Undoubtedly though, for Christian parents, the most important thing is getting the good news of Christ as the Savior of the world into the hearts and minds of our children. So we may all differ in one way or another on externals, but the most important thing is the delivery of the message of Jesus Christ. But if we're only mimicking the "success" of others, and don't truly "own" the plan ourselves, our hope that our children will have faith in Christ may come to nothing. In fact, if we deliver faith in something OTHER than Christ (perhaps money, beauty, or even something "good" like a Christian author, parenting method, or book), we may set them up for life-long rejection of the gospel.

It reminds me of the French castle scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail... where the knights of the round table want to get inside of the castle, so Sir Bedevere declares to King Arthur, "Sir... I have a plan... ." Soon, a giant wooden rabbit is being noisily wheeled by the soldiers towards the front gate of the castle (modeled after the Trojan horse, of course). They then run away to hide in the woods and see what happens next.

After the French soldiers have stealthily examined and approved the rabbit, they wheel it inside the castle. Just behind a little hill, we see the "knights of the round table" giddily hiding, and we hear:

Arthur: "What happens now?"
Bedevere: "Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!"
Arthur: "*Who* leaps out of the rabbit?"
Bedevere: (pointing to each knight as he names them) "Uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I, uh... leap out of the rabbit, uh.... and uh..."
Lancelot: (groans)
Bedevere: "Oh, um, look, if we built this large wooden badger..."

And Arthur rightly knocks Bedevere on his head.

DON'T BLINDLY FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSE'S PLAN
My point is this: Bedevere wasn't coming up with his own plan. He was simply trying to mimic what worked for someone else. We don't need to put our hopes on "what works". And we don't need to look at what some other parents did as our ultimate goal. Should we learn from others? Absolutely!

But the verse in Proverbs says, "Train up a child in the way he should go"... and too many teachers have claimed that for their own method. Truth is, the verse is talking about knowing your child and training them up according to the way God built them-- their aptitudes, interests, personality, and maturity. We're not to parent every child in a factory-like manner. It shouldn't be a cookie-cutter approach. And the funny thing is-- we know that when it comes to our own children-- we know that our second child is nothing like our first, and that the discipline methods/teaching methods/etc. that "work" with our first child often don't work with our second or third in the exact same way. BUT-- we sometimes forget that when we look around at other families-- we see God at work in other families and may unscrupulously try to copy what they're doing instead of inquiring what HE would do in our family, with our unique family DNA.

If another family is doing something that you ought to be doing-- intentional discipling of their children, or training their children in biblical obedience-- then you SHOULD find a way to bring that into your own family life. But we shouldn't be blindly following any method, family, or parenting philosophy without checking it against Scripture and against the God-given vision He's given us as parents for our families.

BE THE PARENT GOD CREATED YOU TO BE
God made us each as individuals... and we are all different. And yet, we have His unchanging Word. So, we each as individuals need to look at the scriptures, look at what they say about parenting, about wisdom, about children, about teaching, about families... and implement them in that unique way that God built our family to do.

Some fathers may like theology and that may be a regular dinner table topic... other fathers may be better at teaching about God as they go about life-- on the baseball field and on the drive to the lake, etc. But all Christian fathers ought to be teaching.

Same thing for us as Christian mothers... one mother's approach may look different externally from other mothers' approaches, but we are all trying to do what Bedevere was trying to do: safely deliver something (or more specifically, Someone) into a place that is, for all practical purposes, out of our control. Now, we differ from those knights in that we are not trying to do it stealthily, or for ill purposes... but we DO need to get the pure, Biblical gospel into the hands, hearts, and minds of the children God has given us.

DON'T FOCUS ON EXTERNALS
Funny thing, though, because they built it poorly the first time, the knights' chances of success for any future attempt (like building a wooden "badger") were probably close to nil. They were so busy focused on getting the outside "right" that they forgot to focus on what was INSIDE the large, wooden rabbit.

If we spend our time making the outside *look* right, but we aren't actively stoking true faith, we are setting our children up for spiritual disaster. They KNOW when we are faking it. They KNOW whether or not we really believe God answers prayer. They KNOW whether or not Christ is permeating every part of our homes or just something we "do" on Sundays. They KNOW if our hearts are set towards eternal things or towards storing up our treasures here on earth. We have to let Christ do His work inside of us rather than focusing on getting all the outside things "right".

DON'T MAKE OTHER PEOPLE YOUR FOCUS
We need not sit around fretting about if our home looks or doesn't look like someone else's home. We don't have to have the same amount of children, or have the same bedtime routine, or do "school" in the same way, or have the same philosophy about discipline in order to be unified in our goal of honoring Jesus Christ in our family, and teaching our children to trust Him for all of their lives. We don't have to build a large wooden rabbit (or a badger!) just because someone else "succeeded" by building a large wooden structure.

Prayer and obedience should be the keystones of our parenting "method"... and learning from others is great, but should not take precedence over the importance of the Word. Seek to know Jesus and to make Him known in your home... and do it in a way that is natural for how God built you.

Show & Tell: Everything AND the Kitchen Sink

2008-06-10T13:01:00.005+03:00

I'm gonna quit apologizing for the length of these posts and just revel in it. Confession time: Hello, my name is Jessica, and I am a link junkie. I LOVE passing on good links and it really lights my fire to see a bunch of out clicks on my sitemeter. So, here we go again. Show & Tell #50 gazillion. ;-)

WOMANHOOD:

Candid Words from a Would-Be Mother
Celebrating Womanhood- Ideas for delighting in the gift of being a woman
20-something reasons to live at home- as a single Christian woman
JUDGED-- Mary Grace shares her thoughts as a foster mom who *gasp* has used food stamps for her foster son... and the reactions she gets. This one may get you to noticing that big log in your own eyes (ask me how I know!).
How feminism tore one daughter from her mother
Older Women Wanted-- Mary Pride's request for moms with know-how to stick around and help younger moms rather than retiring to an empty nest

MOTHERHOOD

Loving Our Kids: Merry hits the nail on the head and gives a simple (but not easy) challenge
Days Gone By- a brief but eloquent "musing" on children growing older
Nursing at 13 months- We moms end up feeling bad or guilty for all kinds of things, don't we? (Even good things like breastfeeding our children!)
Raising Godly Children-- encouragement from Scripture with practical application
Encouragement for tired moms to PRESS ON!- It's a long interview with Janet Parshall, but well worth reading/listening to!
Thoughts on sheltering and wisdom- more by my empty-nesting friend, Chloe

Homeschoolers & Socialization

2008-06-06T18:28:00.003+03:00

[For those readers whose children go to public schools, please don't read this unless you have a sense of humor . One of the reasons it's funny to me is because of how much it mirrors mine and my husband's public school experiences. It's not intended by me to be a "slam" against people making different educational choices, OK? You know your own threshold for being able to take a joke. So, seriously, if you're going to be offended, don't read any further.]

A friend of mine, Leanne, found this in an Austrailian homeschooling journal, --"In the Kolbe Little Home Journal (Fall 2005), "Homeschooling Family Finds Ways to Adapt to a Public School 'Socialization' Program", and it cracked me up. Just wanted to pass it along for your amusement:

"When my wife and I mention we are strongly considering home schooling our children, we are without fail asked, 'But what about socialization?--' Fortunately, we found a way our kids can receive the same socialization that government schools provide.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I will personally corner my son in the bathroom, give him a wedgie and take his lunch money.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, my wife will make sure to tease our children for not being in the 'in' crowd, taking special care to poke fun at any physical abnormalities.

Fridays will be 'Fad and Peer Pressure Day.' We will all compete to see who has the coolest toys, the most expensive clothes, and the loudest, fastest, and most dangerous car.

Every day, my wife and I will adhere to a routine of cursing and swearing in the hall and mentioning our weekend exploits with alcohol and immorality..--.. And we have asked them to report us to the authorities in the event we mention faith, religion, or try to bring up morals and values."

Simple enough! :)

The Best Use of the Time

2008-06-03T20:03:00.005+03:00

This verse has been kicking my tail lately-- Ephesians 5:15-16:

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

Specifically, the bolded part.

The verse makes me ask these three questions: How can I carefully walk in the time I'm given? How can I be wise with the time I'm given? How can I best use the time I'm given?

I've been trying to examine where I spend my time-- in the home-- how am I using my time? While out in the community, how am I using my time? While online, how am I using my time? When my husband's home, how am I using that time? It's hard to do this kind of evaluation, because it (at least in my case) reveals an inefficiency that is easier left alone than dealt with.

WALK CAREFULLY
Just this morning, I was listening to an Alistair Begg sermon (I love him by the way-- his Scottish accent is just like the icing on the cake of his great teaching!) called "Laziness". He talked about how laziness is a character quality that only snowballs in our lives. We are highly unlikely to one day get up and begin being productive and efficient in our every day lives if we have cultivated an attitude of laziness, sloth, and convenience. He compared it (overcoming laziness) to a mountain we have to climb in life-- only it's a growing mountain. The longer we wait, the higher it gets and more difficult it is to climb it and overcome that weakness in our lives.

Now, in comparison to where I was five years ago, I am a much more efficient homemaker, cook, mother, and wife. But I still waste time on the internet, still spend too much time "playing" and end up "playing" catch-up on household duties because I slacked, and still find that I'm not as efficient and hard-working as I ought to be. So I have things I need to be more careful about... for example, being sure I start the day with a hard-working attitude (because I've found that so much more gets done when I start the day that way). And I need to spend more time on the floor with my kiddos, playing and spending time with them in a way that is meaningful for them.

WALK WISELY
More specifically though, on this question of using my time, the verse talks not just about carefully using the time, but WISELY using the time. To me that implies making the most Christ-honoring choices with how I'm using my time. Sometimes, that will mean efficiency but sometimes that will mean setting aside the chores and intentionally "playing" with my children with love and building our relationships at the forefront of my mind. Additionally, it will undoubtedly mean saying "no" to some very, VERY good things.

For example, I've been a part of an online parenting forum for a while. But it's taking my time. Time with my family. It's a lovely place to go to talk with other women-- interesting, funny, godly women-- and yet, it's taking my time. I have other places online that I'd prefer to go with the stint of "free" time I have online... so aside from specific questions I might have or issues that might arise, I've decided not to go back there. It's a hard decision-- my arrow often wants to point on that bookmark. But I'm not going back there to just "kill" time.

But I should specifically say this: in the last year of our lives, going through culture shock, pregnancy hormones and all the rest, that place was a good place for me-- a place of fellowship and encouragement-- so don't hear me wrong on this-- I'm not dissing online friendships or forums or saying it's evil or that everyone else needs to quit or anything else. What I am saying is this: for me, at this time, this is the wise choice for me-- to quit "killing time" at that particular online "place".

MAKE THE BEST USE OF THE TIME
How can I make the best use of the time? It's a hard question to answer. And the more demands there are on our time, the more clear our priorities must be in our minds so that we can choose wisely how to use these moments we're given. But even if we're not always sure of the "best" use of our time, I'm sure for each of us, there is at least something we can do to make better use of the time...

I'd love to hear from each of you. Is this a struggle for you? Perhaps your struggle is the opposite-- maybe you are too rigid and need to deviate from your schedule occasionally in order to be flexible to what God asks of you throughout the day. But I'd be interested to hear how this verse may have specific implications for your life.

[Incidentally, the first day that I recently came across this verse, I went to my bloglines account and found that Randy Alcorn had written an article about it as well. His is VERY challenging and very well worth your time. It's called, "Planned Neglect: Saying No to the Good Things So We Can Say Yes to the Best". You'll not regret having read his thought-provoking article, even if it does take your time. ;-) ]

I never knew pigtails were so much fun.

2008-05-31T23:35:00.003+03:00

Really. I am having way too much fun with my little girl's hair. Just wanted to share.

Husband on Wife-Imposed Rice Diet

2008-05-29T00:03:00.010+03:00

What do you think about this man's situation? And what would you say to his new wife?

I love to eat.

What can I say? I'm a meat and potatoes, average kind of guy. It doesn't take much to please me. I don't need a ten-course gourmet meal, and I'm not one to complain about a decent meal. My wife and I have been married for nearly eighteen months, and when we dated, she never said anything about not liking meat. But ever since we got married, all she wants to eat is rice. Sometimes she'll throw in some vegetables... but we never eat meat; she won't buy it!

When I asked about it, she said that she doesn't think we need it, it's unhealthy, gross to think about, and has made it clear that she thinks we're on this rice diet together. Forever. I work at a store in the mall, and we usually pack up leftovers for lunch (rice with an occasional side veggie). I've been so tempted to chunk it lately and go to the food court, but we promised each other that we'd not eat out. I mean, rice is good. But a little variety would go a LONG way.

Not to mention that I work right next to a Cinnabon shop and those SMELLS are driving me crazy. And then I drive past "Restaurant Row" on my way home from work. I don't want to hurt her, but this is ridiculous. It's not what I signed up for... I thought we'd be eating good at home, maybe not super amazing meals every day, but at least some tasty stuff occasionally. That's one reason I made that whole "let's not eat out" promise.

I'm sick of plain old rice. I don't have to have steak and dessert every single day, but goodness... rice and veggies is getting old FAST. How can this be fixed? Whenever I've tried to say something, she takes it as a complaint about her cooking and gets emotional and then things become even more tense and rigid. HELP!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As you're formulating your thoughts about his question, imagine if this had gone on for 10, 20 years. What kind of man would be able to deal with that?

Now, indulge me... go back and read the whole letter in light of marital intimacy. But make the length of time eighteen YEARS instead of eighteen months. It's OK, I'll wait for you. Seriously, go back and read it with marital intimacy/desire (instead of food/appetite) in mind.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Did you read it? Are you with me? Here's the point:

THE LURE OF THE CINNABON STAND
Christian men (particularly in an increasingly sexualized world that co-exists with what is often a "sex-is-worldly" mentality in the church) are like hungry men walking past Cinnabon stands and driving past "Restaurant Row" 24/7. If they come home to a warmed-over bowl of rice, they still *need* to exercise self-control, yes-- but they're much more likely to be drawn in by the sights and smells of the Cinnabon stand. And probably find themselves daydreaming about it in their weaker moments, even if they're never lured to go in and actually take a bite.

But if they're getting delicious, mouth-watering "food" at home, regularly, then, yeah, they still have to exercise self-control (I mean, lets face it, those Cinnabons do smell INCREDIBLE)... but they're more likely to be able to do so, because they're well-fed and happy with what they're getting at home.

WHAT'S ON YOUR "MENU"?
If I'm serving up rice every day (or once a week or once a month or worse), I need to understand that there are Cinnabon stands out there, and I need to KNOW how hard it is for my husband to walk past them without buying one. Cause whether we like it or not, he's having to deal with it. So, maybe I need to learn how to make rice with a little more spice or sauce in the mix, or maybe I need to learn how to make stuff other than rice... to vary my "menu options". Maybe I'll even make him some to-die-for-delicious cinnamon rolls of my own. But whatever the case, understanding the lure of the Cinnabon stand, and how tiresome it would be to eat rice once a week every week for years on end, helps me as a wife to love my husband more, and to meet not only his needs, but his desires too.

I say all this to say to you married women out there: consider what's on your "menu". Are you unnecessarily limiting your husband's "diet" because of your own hang-ups? Is he on a starvation diet? Is he getting warmed-over rice in a crusty bowl again and again and again and again and again...?

Sometimes there are legitimate things (like abuse, addictions, and other similar marital issues) that limit our "menu options" for us. And sometimes it's the men who are serving up warmed over rice to their hungry wives. But I'm not talking to those people right now.

Statistics and experience in hearing from and talking to these women over and over again tell me that the all too common experience in many Christian marriages is similar to the rice example I've given above.

And all I'm saying is, it just shouldn't be that way.

[I should note that this idea is a piggy-backed idea off of something a friend of mine, Chloe, wrote when we were discussing this very idea of marital intimacy. Thanks, Chloe, for crafting a great word picture for this topic!]

Motherhood & the Difficult Wisdom of Romans 14

2008-05-27T12:11:00.005+03:00

We've all heard of (and likely experienced) the "Mommy Wars". As mothers, we can feel completely removed from other believers, if we make a parenting choice that is contrary to what they are choosing or what they chose. No matter where you live, if you're reading this and you're a mom, you've likely faced one of these issues, and may have butted heads with another Christian about it:

Stay at home vs. Career moms
Breast vs. Bottle
Spanking: Biblical or no?
Quiverfull vs. any limiting of family size at all
Schooling choices
Video Games
Sleep issues (co-sleeping, front/back sleeping)
How often children get baths
How soon to talk about x, y, or z with your kids
Sleepovers
Extracurricular activities

So many women feel beaten down for their choices. Or feel proud and combative about their choices. Or feel angry about other people's choices. Or feel bitter about other people's reactions to their choices. The thing is, none of those outcomes are good. Mommy wars are so very likely to end in pride, heartache, and frustration. With each other. With ourselves. And that's not the way we Christians are supposed to interact with one another.

There are some good things that can come when we share about our OWN choices. Curious people are satisfied. Confused people find more clarity. Unsure people may find sure footing (either in agreement or disagreement). Even people who are confident in their own choices may find their views/opinions sharpened and strengthened by hearing various other viewpoints. Sharing the biblical basis for our own decisions in parenting, home life, or marriage can be helpful for others who are either peers traveling the road with us, or for those who are slightly behind us on the road... to serve as guideposts for them as they eventually face some of the same choices in life.

But even in that (just talking about our own choices), we need to be careful. In electronic format, words can be so easily misinterpreted, and the same sentence can carry completely different meanings if read with venom or honey as the perceived "attitude". Here are some principles I see in Romans 14 (a chapter about Christian disagreement) that can be helpful for us mommies as we sort through and discuss these issues of motherhood, particularly online: (I'll share my own thoughts of what we can infer from each command behind each bolded main idea.)

Welcome others. (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, unwelcoming. We are quick to section ourselves off into groups of those with whom we agree.
Do not quarrel over opinions (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, argumentative. We like to be "right".
Do not pass judgment on others (vs. 4, 10) - We are, in our flesh, critical and condemning. We like to be a part of "us" and not "them".
Be fully convinced in your own mind (vs. 5) - We may walk around airing opinions that we aren't fully convinced of. We may have a tendency to not think through things carefully.
Do not despise one another (vs. 10) - In our flesh, we may feel hatred for or look down on the people with whom we disagree. Though we are called to love, our disagreements can quickly deteriorate that love we are to have for one another.
Remember that we will give an account to God (vs. 12) - Not only for our words, but for our actions and beliefs. We are quick to forget that we're each responsible for our own lives.
Decide never to put a stumbling block in the way of someone else (vs. 13) - We can unnecessarily build walls or barriers between us and others.
Don't intentionally and overtly do something to grieve another believer (vs. 15) - We can cause pain to others by our choices and words.
Pursue peace (vs. 19) - We should major on the things that we can agree on with the Christians around us.
Pursue what will mutually build up one another (vs. 19) - Find common ground and strive to sharpen one another in that area. This doesn't come naturally; we have to work at it.
Even if you have peace about something, if it grieves another believer, don't make a show of it. (vs. 20-22)
Whatever you do, do it in faith. (vs. 23)

Good stuff. It's amazing how the Bible really does speak into our lives, even from nearly 2,000 years ago. Any thoughts?

Filling Our Homes With the Word of God

2008-05-25T20:18:00.002+03:00

Wanted to share several things that we do in our home to try to center our home in and on the Word of God. Here are some ideas in no real order, just as they come to mind.

- For school, we start with the Bible.

- As we're going about our day, we relate things back to God's Word-- stories that we can learn from, etc. For example, when my almost-4 year old took some candy and was found cowering, facing the corner, eating his candy (he didn't realize that it was OK with me... he just saw me give some to his sister and wanted some, which I was coming back to give him), my oldest son and I talked about how we really aren't any different in our core than Adam and Eve were... knowing that we've sinned or done something wrong still makes us want to hide.

- We buy and find Bible story and scripture song tapes & CDs for the boys to listen to (at bedtime and throughout the day, as they're playing, etc.)

- We listen to the Bible on CD-- we've been buying portions of "The Bible Experience" on iTunes, and I love it-- we can listen to the Word in a vibrant and memorable way-- learn more about "The Bible Experience" here. It not only ministers to me and allows me to hear the Bible in a fresh way, but it also helps my children to hear more of the Word, and my almost 6 year old in particular asks questions about what a word means, or what a certain part means, after nearly every time we listen to it.

- Buy scripture-based music (Sovereign Grace has very theologically and biblically accurate songs that are also uplifting and enjoyable; we also have gotten Scripture memory CDs that are put to kids' music... like Sing the Word from A to Z).

- Family Bible time- nearly every night (we don't do Sunday nights since we've already had a lengthy church time in our home with other families on those days)... this is just a 15 minute (give or take) time where Doug reads through a passage or a Bible story, we all talk about it, and then spend some time in prayer together as a family. Sometimes we also sing or act out part of a Bible story to help "lodge" it in our children's minds. We keep it simple but make it a priority in our home.

- We have TONS of children's books about the Bible: Bible story books, Children's Bibles, long, short, rhyming, informative, etc.

- We watch Bible videos as often as anything else. I'm not against other videos (we love Cars and Incredibles around here)... but we try pour in MORE of the Word than anything else. So, for example, when we noticed that our sons were living, breathing, talking, and thinking about Transformers nonstop, we did a cease-fire of all Transformers cartoons (even though they'd only watched it a couple times-- we're not big TV people)... and it helped correct the saturation of their little minds. We want them to be excited about the Word- not about some dumb show (apologies to all Transformers fans--including my husband-- I'm just putting it in an eternal perspective).

- We memorize scripture passages together as a family. So far, we've learned Psalm 1, the Beatitudes, and Psalm 23. We aren't legalistic about this, but we try to continue learning things together, at a pace so that at least our oldest two children can intake what we're learning.

Anyway, those are some of the things that we do. What do YOU do to keep the Bible at the center of your family's life, interests, and learning?

Hospitality by Moms of Young Children?

2008-05-19T19:53:00.009+03:00

We host larger groups in our home regularly now (see the picture of piled up shoes in our entryway as proof!), and have for almost a year. But it wasn't always this way. Something I've realized (being a mom with young children) is that this is a wonderful way for moms of young children to be involved in life as part of the body of Christ.

Even though you are intricately tied to the home, you can serve, interact with, influence, and befriend all kinds of people by having a hospitable home. When people know you are happy to host guests, make desserts, or have a get-together in your home, you can become their “go-to” person whenever the need arises. When a guest preacher comes to your church, the pastor may think of you as a family who can provide him with lunch. If the women's Bible study needs someone’s home to host a party, you will become known as someone who enjoys opening up her home.

That may sound scary to you... it would have to me a few years ago. But the fact is that by opening up your home, you can get to know people better in a place that allows you to be the mom of your children. If your kids need a nap, you just excuse yourself, put them down for a nap, and rejoin the conversation moments later. Bedtime can happen and then the get-together can go on. Even during this time of "working at home”, when you aren’t regularly venturing out into the world, you can essentially bring the world to you.

OK, BUT HOW?
I'd encourage you to begin this week and learn a new dessert recipe, or put together 2-3 possible menus. Think of menus that would taste good, but also be realistic possibilities for you to prepare on an average day in your current stage of life. Think about things that can be made ahead of time and frozen, things that can cook all day in the crock pot but be excellent over rice or pasta. Consider the possibilities, and then craft a few possible menus.

Then, jump in. Invite another family over. Or an older couple. Or a hungry college student. At first, you will probably feel inadequate. You may find that you need to learn how to get several meal items all ready at the same time. Or it may be that you need to do a better job estimating accurate serving portions for groups.

Whatever you learn about your hostess skills, if you find something(s) lacking, focus on one thing that most needs improvement… and then do that one thing better the next time. The more you have people in your home, the more natural it will become. And by focusing on your one area for improvement each time, it will also become easier each time you do it.

BUT MY HOUSE IS A MESS!!!
In general, you can relax about the daily mess of life. Your home doesn’t need to look as pristine as the White House for guests to enjoy a visit in your home. Make things presentable and tidy, and then dive in. Do take the time to tidy up the room or rooms that you’ll be spending your time in, but don’t worry about it if you have a full hamper or haven’t mopped. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect, and in fact, the fact that you live in a “real” house will probably be an encouragement to the people you’re hosting.

BUT I’M NO FIVE-STAR CHEF!!!
As far as meals go, it can range from the simple and inexpensive (a baked potato buffet-style meal) to the basic and every-day (simple pasta, simple sauce, and baked/grilled chicken) to as creative and special as you want to make it. It’s really up to you. But simple meals like waffles with syrup or a grilled chicken salad can be every bit as good as the extravagantly-made meals that a chef could dream up. The point is NOT to become some world-class chef (although by having groups over, your cooking skills WILL greatly improve)… the point is to use your home to serve others.

And what a wonderful way to begin really getting to know your brothers and sisters in Christ! Invite the widows, college students or the single mom and her kids in your church over to your home.

Young moms, hospitality is an excellent way that we can extend our reach during this “home-bound” season of our lives and impact even those outside of our homes for God’s glory. We will find loads of ministry opportunities if we will graciously hold out our homes as a tool for God’s use.

Click here to read more articles about hospitality.