Thoughts on Sheltering

Someone recently asked if I'd expand on my thoughts about rules/relationship and sheltering parenting. [Honestly, the subject has been better tackled elsewhere (Parenting with Love & Logic deals with teaching our children to make wise choices and allowing "affordable mistakes" while they're in our home... and other individuals have tackled these things online in terms of homeschooling far better than I could.). ]

Nevertheless, since I was asked to share, I'll share some from my personal perspective.

SOME OF MY STORY
Growing up, my parents were not repressive and judgmental, but my surroundings were. We were in a fundamentalist church circuit where virtually no pastor/church was "sound" enough for my dogmatic grandfather. Though I was saved at a young age, this environment smothered out the true love for Jesus that can grow in the heart of a child.

Long story short, I went along with my surroundings until I hit age 13, and then I rebelled against it until I was about 16. My parents felt convicted about things and intentionally left the hypocritical environment we had been in (a dying church which they'd been threatened by my grandpa to stay a part of), and sought out a vibrant Christian fellowship. After looking for months, they found it, and though at the time I didn't know why, but I no longer felt the need to rebel. I was drawn to the grace and truth I found among my peers and the families we encountered at this new church.

All that to say, when I was surrounded by rules, I rebelled big time, seeing no need to follow them because in my mind, there were absolutely no *benefits* to following the rules. The people around me all seemed grossly unhappy, personally dreary, and spiritually bored (or even dead). But when I was shown true fellowship, true joy among believers, and a pursuit of holiness-- not for self-righteousness, but out of a true desire to please God-- well, my heart fell in line with that really quickly. "Sign me up!"

What I learned in a nutshell: Christian joy flourishing in faith built on a strong foundation draws the soul toward Christ. An outward focus on rules and "perfection" kill the Spirit, focusing too strongly on the law.

The "world" I had grown up in was dry soil. I had heard about rich soil. They talked as if "this" was it. But it was dry and dead and had almost no beauty growing in it.

ODDLY ENOUGH, THOUGH... ENCOUNTERING A GREENHOUSE
The church we joined also had a HUGE contingency of quiver-full homeschoolers (a group of people which I'd never before encountered-- I'd never known ANYONE with more than 3 or at the most 4 children). Ironically, these homeschooled kids/teens weren't allowed to be in the youth group that was life-changing for me, drawing me deeper in faith. They were kept separate. I'd imagine their parents would have used terms like "wise sheltering" or given examples about greenhouses and flowers and how "until they're transplanted", they need to be "protected".

Problem is, those "plants" that had been completely sheltered didn't develop tough roots, and didn't learn how to feed themselves. Sure, they had knowledge... but they had never encountered others who saw the world differently. They'd never even been allowed to hang out with the incredibly godly public school kids I was challenged by in this youth group-- much less the worldly kids they would have encountered by taking jobs, or in some other way having intentional interaction with secular society. I'm sure their parents didn't mean to set their kids up for failure. Many of these parents are still baffled that their children didn't follow the "formula" they had tried to follow so carefully... and don't understand where things went wrong.

When these protected, secluded homeschooled young adults encountered the real world, with "real" sinners who seemed to be sinning and having a blast, they were fascinated. Without exception, they all fell prey to the appeal of the world, at least for a very long and painful season of adulthood. Many of them have never returned to faith.

THE PROBLEM WITH PROTECTION
Protection is a fine goal.

It's the goal of most people cultivating things. Of course you don't want hail to rain down on your newly growing seedlings. You don't want a bird to come and peck away at the plant you've worked so hard to grow. Yes, young plants need careful protection... but protection is NOT the ultimate goal of raising plants or crops or having a garden. And we homeschooling parents can sometimes forget this. While we may be honestly striving to do right by our kids, we could forget to transplant them until it's too late.

Once they're out of the house, whatever that looks like, we're going to be playing a far less significant role in their lives. So in my mind, the transplanting (for a plant, that means growing in REAL soil in the REAL open air rather than being in a potted plant in a greenhouse) needs to take place once we've given them a good start... probably in the early "teen" years.

TRANSPLANTING
Transplanting may look different for each family... but if we're going to do it successfully, I think we need to do it while we can still regularly offer up some water and fertilizer to encourage them towards godliness.

For example, one family in our youth group had 6 boys whom they homeschooled through 6th grade. From then on, they put the boys in public school. During that time, they played football (undoubtedly being exposed to all kinds of locker room talk) and kept up their studies while being discipled and mentored more deeply by their father. These last 6 or so years in their parents' home were devoted towards FAITH IN ACTION.

Another example: some families (like Voddie Baucham's) follow a three-part phase of raising children-- the obedience/training phase (teaching our young ones to heed our words), the catechism phase (teaching our children the deep doctrines and truths of scripture), and the discipleship phase (teaching our young adults how to put faith into action). So, the early years are devoted towards training in obedience ("Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord."), the elementary years are devoted towards teaching children truth about God, His Word, and faith (Deut 6:7), and the last years of parenting are spent with a focus on making disciples. Part of discipling is intentional life-on-life training. In the real world.

Jesus spent incredible amounts of TIME with His disciples-- but He didn't pull out to a cave to spend that time with them. He took them as He was going along in life-- talking to adulteresses, partying with tax collectors, going to weddings, mourning the dead, praying for the sick, pointing out the holiness and generosity of widows and the hypocrisy of the "religious". We can, I think, follow His example by not hiding from the world but doing our best as parents to use the world to continue our children's education.

SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
That doesn't mean every homeschooled kid should end up in public or private school. It doesn't mean every parent ought to opt for youth group. Or that every kid should work at some secular place like Trader Joe's or Krispy Kreme. But we SHOULD be intentional about letting our kids learn what the world is really like, and even letting them foul up from time to time. (Love & Logic talks about this-- letting our kids make "affordable mistakes"-- mistakes that they can learn from and we can live with.) Essentially, though, our kids need to, for themselves, find God faithful and value Him above what the world offers. And my experience and observations tell me that this doesn't happen when our ultimate goal is protection and sheltering.

OK, so I've shared my perspective on this-- but it's not fully developed and I've certainly not raised teenagers, or even begun to enter that world. So what are your thoughts? Those of you who have raised your children into adulthood? Those of you who ARE raising young adults? Public school moms? Other homeschool moms? What say all of you?

"Successful" Parenting

We might all have different ideas about what successful parenting actually looks like in practice. Some do so-called "gentle" or attachment parenting... some follow particular books, authors, or methods for the "meat" of their parenting... some choose public schools... some make other choices.

Undoubtedly though, for Christian parents, the most important thing is getting the good news of Christ as the Savior of the world into the hearts and minds of our children. So we may all differ in one way or another on externals, but the most important thing is the delivery of the message of Jesus Christ. But if we're only mimicking the "success" of others, and don't truly "own" the plan ourselves, our hope that our children will have faith in Christ may come to nothing. In fact, if we deliver faith in something OTHER than Christ (perhaps money, beauty, or even something "good" like a Christian author, parenting method, or book), we may set them up for life-long rejection of the gospel.

It reminds me of the French castle scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail... where the knights of the round table want to get inside of the castle, so Sir Bedevere declares to King Arthur, "Sir... I have a plan... ." Soon, a giant wooden rabbit is being noisily wheeled by the soldiers towards the front gate of the castle (modeled after the Trojan horse, of course). They then run away to hide in the woods and see what happens next.

After the French soldiers have stealthily examined and approved the rabbit, they wheel it inside the castle. Just behind a little hill, we see the "knights of the round table" giddily hiding, and we hear:

Arthur: "What happens now?"
Bedevere: "Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!"
Arthur: "*Who* leaps out of the rabbit?"
Bedevere: (pointing to each knight as he names them) "Uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I, uh... leap out of the rabbit, uh.... and uh..."
Lancelot: (groans)
Bedevere: "Oh, um, look, if we built this large wooden badger..."

And Arthur rightly knocks Bedevere on his head.

DON'T BLINDLY FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSE'S PLAN
My point is this: Bedevere wasn't coming up with his own plan. He was simply trying to mimic what worked for someone else. We don't need to put our hopes on "what works". And we don't need to look at what some other parents did as our ultimate goal. Should we learn from others? Absolutely!

But the verse in Proverbs says, "Train up a child in the way he should go"... and too many teachers have claimed that for their own method. Truth is, the verse is talking about knowing your child and training them up according to the way God built them-- their aptitudes, interests, personality, and maturity. We're not to parent every child in a factory-like manner. It shouldn't be a cookie-cutter approach. And the funny thing is-- we know that when it comes to our own children-- we know that our second child is nothing like our first, and that the discipline methods/teaching methods/etc. that "work" with our first child often don't work with our second or third in the exact same way. BUT-- we sometimes forget that when we look around at other families-- we see God at work in other families and may unscrupulously try to copy what they're doing instead of inquiring what HE would do in our family, with our unique family DNA.

If another family is doing something that you ought to be doing-- intentional discipling of their children, or training their children in biblical obedience-- then you SHOULD find a way to bring that into your own family life. But we shouldn't be blindly following any method, family, or parenting philosophy without checking it against Scripture and against the God-given vision He's given us as parents for our families.

BE THE PARENT GOD CREATED YOU TO BE
God made us each as individuals... and we are all different. And yet, we have His unchanging Word. So, we each as individuals need to look at the scriptures, look at what they say about parenting, about wisdom, about children, about teaching, about families... and implement them in that unique way that God built our family to do.

Some fathers may like theology and that may be a regular dinner table topic... other fathers may be better at teaching about God as they go about life-- on the baseball field and on the drive to the lake, etc. But all Christian fathers ought to be teaching.

Same thing for us as Christian mothers... one mother's approach may look different externally from other mothers' approaches, but we are all trying to do what Bedevere was trying to do: safely deliver something (or more specifically, Someone) into a place that is, for all practical purposes, out of our control. Now, we differ from those knights in that we are not trying to do it stealthily, or for ill purposes... but we DO need to get the pure, Biblical gospel into the hands, hearts, and minds of the children God has given us.

DON'T FOCUS ON EXTERNALS
Funny thing, though, because they built it poorly the first time, the knights' chances of success for any future attempt (like building a wooden "badger") were probably close to nil. They were so busy focused on getting the outside "right" that they forgot to focus on what was INSIDE the large, wooden rabbit.

If we spend our time making the outside *look* right, but we aren't actively stoking true faith, we are setting our children up for spiritual disaster. They KNOW when we are faking it. They KNOW whether or not we really believe God answers prayer. They KNOW whether or not Christ is permeating every part of our homes or just something we "do" on Sundays. They KNOW if our hearts are set towards eternal things or towards storing up our treasures here on earth. We have to let Christ do His work inside of us rather than focusing on getting all the outside things "right".

DON'T MAKE OTHER PEOPLE YOUR FOCUS
We need not sit around fretting about if our home looks or doesn't look like someone else's home. We don't have to have the same amount of children, or have the same bedtime routine, or do "school" in the same way, or have the same philosophy about discipline in order to be unified in our goal of honoring Jesus Christ in our family, and teaching our children to trust Him for all of their lives. We don't have to build a large wooden rabbit (or a badger!) just because someone else "succeeded" by building a large wooden structure.

Prayer and obedience should be the keystones of our parenting "method"... and learning from others is great, but should not take precedence over the importance of the Word. Seek to know Jesus and to make Him known in your home... and do it in a way that is natural for how God built you.

Food for Thought for Homeschool Moms (and other onlookers)

"In a seemingly obscure NT passage of Scripture, Jesus says some of the most profound words concerning education and discipleship in the entire Bible. Luke records His words: 'A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher.' (Luke 6:40) ... This raises one of the most important questions Christian parents will face concerning the discipleship of their children. Whom will your children resemble at the completion of their 'formal' education?"

~Voddie Baucham Jr. , Family Driven Faith, p.123

Of course, this makes me consider carefully who else I might ever put as a teacher over my children (I currently teach our children at home, and my husband does an excellent job discipling through regular family devotions and life-on-life discipleship of our children). And when I first read this passage, I'll be honest-- that's where my mind went... "wow! I can't imagine putting some other random person or entity in charge of my children's character!"

But it also reminds me of my own inadequacies as a teacher of my children. If my children continue to be fully trained by my husband and I, will that be enough? Am I being all that I want them to one day be? And of course, the answer is woefully "no". I lack so much that I want them to have. When I look at the other options, though, I am personally convicted that the responsibility rests on me to teach my children (even if I eventually "outsource" for things like geometry and physics).

Which means I need to BE what I want them to become.

I've got a judgmental/critical spirit that needs to be turned away from. I've got impatience, arrogance, hatred, bitterness, and more that needs to be dealt with... and I lack the self-control, love for others, and compassion that I desperately want my children to have. It is ridiculous for me to try to teach them to avoid doing the things that they consistently see me doing (losing my temper, criticizing others)... and it is silly for me to hope to teach them to consistently do things that I don't do (take my frustrations to God in prayer first, for example) .

Which means I've got a lot of work to do. The only solution, of course, is that I intentionally and willfully make Jesus my teacher-- and prayerfully strive to become more and more filled with Him, and thus, more and more like Him. I must be in the Word-- I must be filling my mind with the pure, good, and right, and casting off those sins that would destroy both me and my children.

It's a tall order-- only possible with His grace.

Family Devotions Play-By-Play

Someone recently asked me how to structure family devotions, so I thought I'd share the step-by-step version of how my husband leads in ours... it's not rigid, but this is the general way it happens in our home.

And we don't do it every night (for example, we usually don't do it Sunday nights because we've already worshiped together as a family on that day), and occasionally we miss a night, but more nights than not, this is what you'd find if you peeked into our home, just before bedtime:

1. Have a short Bible story time. (We shoot for no more than 10 minutes, at the ages our kids are--currently 5, 3, and 1!) Sometimes that's from the adult Bible (sometimes a simple-to-understand version like the NLT, sometimes from the ESV so that they get used to hearing the actual accurate Word of God), sometimes from the kids' version, sometimes from a devotion book. Doug reads it, sometimes with intermittent questions, then does a little application or explanation as necessary. (Sometimes it's just a story focus, oftentimes a character-quality focus, and occasionally a specific attitude/behavior focus-- if we're trying to target a particular undesirable/desirable behavior.)
   
   
2. Occasionally sing a song or act out the story we talked about.
   
   
3. Scripture Memorization, if we're learning something together as a family. So far, we've memorized Psalm 1 and the Beatitudes together. Sometimes we take a break, but we try to be either reviewing or learning something new.
   
   Specifically, when we're learning something new, we work on one new phrase every night. We take one phrase, sentence or thought, and repeat it about 10 different times (we do this in different voices to make it fun-- say it in cowboy voice, now in a deep MAN's voice, now in a little bitty lady's voice, now in a child's voice, now in a really happy voice, now VERY LOUD, now very soft, etc.). Then we all say it together (with the rest of the passage if it's adding on to something we've already learned).
   
   
4. Prayer time. We each pick someone/thing to pray about (sometimes the kids don't select something, and that's OK- we don't force them to pray)... with a different focus each night of the week, so we're learning to pray for different things:
   
   
   • Sunday: SAINTS (other Christians)
   • Monday: MISSIONARIES (by name, we have friends in various countries with kids, so we encourage the kids to pray for their MK friends in other countries)
   • Tuesday: TEACHERS (which, in our house, means I get prayed for a lot!)
   • Wednesday: WISDOM (in our decisions/lives), WIDOWS (that we know, by name), and WITNESS (for us and people around us)
   • Thursday: THOSE IN AUTHORITY (could be Daddy, Daddy's boss, Pastor Dan, President Bush, Presidential elections, the person making the decision about ____ that will affect our family, etc.)
   • Friday: FRIENDS & FAMILY
   • Saturday: SINNERS (people we know that need to become disciples of Jesus)

Then the kiddos are off to bed.

That's how we structure ours-- and it's usually less than 15 minutes. I could definitely see how as they get older it could get longer, with discussions about what passages mean, memorizing longer things, and praying more intensely together as a family... but for right now it is really GREAT for us, and it's just the right length of time to keep little ones engaged and learning about the Word, and getting to know God.

Perhaps this will help someone else looking for more "definition" about what a family Bible time would look like. Blessings!

Voddie: Two Options For Parents

I was listening to a Voddie Baucham sermon the other day from this website (I can't remember which one now), and I came across this, and had to rewind it and re-listen about 85 times to be able to type out the exact quote, but I wanted to have it on paper to remember.

He's talking about the legacy we'll leave behind as parents... what we'll have done or accomplished in our lifetimes. I hope it challenges you like it did me.

"When I get outta here, there could be a couple of ways that I go.

Way number one? I could leave here saying, “I got mine. I got it all. My philosophy was, ‘get all you can, can all you get.’ And I got it! I’m there! I came, I saw, I conquered! It was AWESOME!”

Here’s the other possibility: My wife and I invest our lives in a relationship that is an illustration of the relationship with Jesus Christ and His church, and do the best that we can to spend the rest of our days together, bringing glory and honor to the Lord Jesus Christ through the way that we love, respect, honor, and cherish one another. And then, at the end of our lives, when we breathe our last, we will have raised a mob of children who have been brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, so that when the adversary sees me breathe my last, he does not say “phew! Don’t have to worry about that one anymore!”

Uh-uh… when I breathe my last, the adversary will see a MOB of godly children crawling over mom and dad, moving the line forward, further than I ever could have in my own life, with my own limited resources. So that when it’s all said and done, it’s not about ME and what I experienced… it’s not about ME and how satisfied I was with what I accumulated and acquired, but it is about a godly heritage and godly legacy that has been left behind because we grasped and understood and walked in the design of this thing that we call marriage. THAT’s what I’m choosing.

So, that challenges me to ask myself, "what am I choosing? Today? This year? What am I choosing for our marriage, for our family, for our children? What am I choosing to be and pour into my husband and into my children? What and who am I going to leave behind to continue this unseen battle against the enemy? Am I living out this kind of life-purpose perspective in my actions today?"

Any thoughts?

Show and Tell: Gotta Love Voddie!

If you don't know who Voddie Baucham is, please allow me to introduce you to this godly man who is rising up to serve the purpose of God in his generation.

This man... (By the way, his first name rhymes with "Cody".) I don't know where to start. I got to hear him at a conference in 1999 (Passion 99) and have enjoyed everything I've heard from him ever since. He has recently released a book called "Family Driven Faith: Doing What it Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters Who Will Walk With God." Having not yet read it, but hoping to get it soon, I think it is going to be a whopper of a book-- as a challenge to Christian parents in our generation.

Here are some excellent short clips and videos of Voddie talking about these various subjects, all addressed in the book:

• THE VALUE OF FAMILY
  
• THE CONSEQUENCES OF FEMINISM
• FAMILY DISCIPLESHIP
• FAMILY DRIVEN EDUCATION [hat tip: Thanks, Kelly!]
• IS IT EVER TOO LATE?
  

(Could I ask you to watch all of them?! ... At least pick one or two and watch them- they will challenge you and get your mind a'churning!) Last night, I had a Voddie-on-YouTube bonanza!

Voddie Baucham. Here's a great collection of sermons & interviews with Voddie. Be sure to check out his new book, Family Driven Faith.

Titus Two Today, Part Three: Being Mentored & Mentoring

In continuing this stretched-out series on Titus 2 mentoring, I thought I'd share some of my own experiences with mentoring- both as the younger woman, and recently, as the older woman. I hope this gives you some practical insight into where I'm at in the whole process of learning about Titus 2 mentoring.

BEING MENTORED
I'll admit it, I've been one of the voices crying out for Christian mentoring and discipleship in a crooked and perverse generation. We need women who will affirm the things of God in our lives. Even if our mothers are godly, praiseworthy women (and when they are, we praise GOD!), we still need other women to teach and train us. No one women has all the answers, and as much as we can, we need to surround ourselves with wise counselors. As a young Christian woman, I have longed for and prayed for women who are ahead of me on this road of life to be willing to take me under their wing and TEACH ME!

And I must say, I've been fortunate to have not just one, but many women willing to share their lives with me and teach me.

One friend of mine, Angie, who has mentored and befriended me for over 12 years now, welcomed me into her home when she had young children. We talked about life as I watched her nurse her babies. We talked about ministry and the life of a wife and mother as she changed diapers and fixed broken toys. We talked about priorities in parenting and how to maintain a strong marriage while her daughters (now young ladies) swam in a kiddie pool. She shared her convictions with me as I shared my struggles with her. I love this woman. I can't tell you how much of an impact she and her family have had on my life. Only God knows how much.

Another woman, Christi, has taught me about grace and beauty. She takes great pleasure (and has a real, God-given talent) in beautifying the home environment. She is the woman who first piqued my interest in the MBTI personality typing. From her, I have learned to appreciate the beautifying of our homes... and learned to have grace towards people who are different from me. She has had the guts to challenge me at times when I spoke too harshly or forcefully about personal convictions, and she in turn has been humble and sought to learn things from me (for example, when I'm reading an interesting book, learning something new, etc.) . I really appreciate her friendship.

There have been others too, but these are two women who have challenged me and loved me and taught me, even though they are very different women and have gone about "Titus 2ing" me in different areas.

MENTORING OTHERS
About three years ago, a college student approached me one night at a church fellowship and asked if I would consider setting regular time aside to mentor her. And so began what is now a precious friendship.

Lindy & I have talked and walked through various life issues together-- dating relationships and marriage, what it's like to be pregnant, how to think about and prepare for marital intimacy, what books are good preparation for womanhood, and just life issues as they come up: pride, submission, God's will and how to discern it, cloth diapering, friendships with guys/girls... all kinds of things. So much of what I've "passed on" to her have been things that were taught to me by Angie in particular. It's been such a blessing for me to have things to share, as well as to pray for her and walk alongside her as she strives for biblical womanhood in this world.

There have been other friends, too, who have taken more of a learner's posture in our friendship and might characterize our friendship as more of a mentoring situation... but Lindy is one who came to me in that capacity and who I have grown to love as a result of that specific time together.

TITUS 2 IN REAL LIFE
I'm so thankful for these neat opportunities I've already had in my life to not only learn from others, but also to teach younger women about the things Titus 2 challenges us to implement into our lives. Here's that passage one more time:

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."

Titus Two Today, Part Two: You as the Younger Woman

[Ed. Note: I was excited to see the response to my earlier post, when I was trying to measure the interest in this idea of "What is Titus 2 Mentoring?" I'm going to slowly go about tackling this issue from a variety of angles through a series of posts. I'm honest enough with myself to acknowledge that I'm not very good at persevering and tackling all sides of an issue in a short period of time, but I will continue returning to this subject as my interest and your questions keep me motivated to keep writing, reading, and thinking about it. :) -Jess]


YOU AS THE YOUNGER WOMAN
The first way we will approach this subject, individually in our lives, and collectively as we study this subject here, is as the younger woman. Even if one has come to Christ as an older woman, she still must learn about biblical womanhood from the Word of God, and often, through the influence and wisdom of a more mature Christian woman.

So how do we, when we are the younger/less mature woman, go about being "Titus Twoed"? (Yes, I'm going to be using Titus Two in all sorts of interesting grammatical usages, so be ready for it!) How do we go about learning from older women?

I believe there are two basic elements: RESPECT and HUMILITY.

RESPECT HER OBEDIENCE
It is not easy to open up your life to another woman. We all make it to womanhood with some bumps and bruises from junior-high-type interactions that taught us that women can totally shred each other (often leaving us feeling completely incompetent, ugly, worthless, whatever). Right? I mean, let's just own up to it-- we women aren't always the easiest to be true, transparent friends with.

We women sometimes hold grudges more than we should. Too often, we allow a critical spirit and roots of bitterness and judgmentalism to grow in our hearts. And even if we don't externally say a word, many of us are quite good at critiquing and pronouncing internal judgments about the other women in our church, community, and circles of interaction.

Knowing ourselves and our own critical ways, we may take a long time to "warm up" to other women, suspecting them to be every bit as cutting as we ourselves may be. Perhaps you aren't overly critical of others... but perhaps you were hurt as a child or as a young woman and you find it difficult to trust anyone. Perhaps you're naturally reserved and have always found it difficult to truly open up to any other person. Maybe you don't even know the depths of your own heart, and find the prospect of being honest with yourself a big enough obstacle without adding in the fearful notion of opening up to someone else.

Whatever the case, we need to recognize that however difficult it is for us (as the younger/less mature woman) to admit the NEED for a mentor, it is that much MORE difficult for older women to risk their hearts by opening up their lives to us. And we need to respect them for that choice, to deliberately obey the Word of God and "teach the younger women". In so doing, a woman will have to be insightful enough to accurately assess their "victories" and "successes", humble enough to admit the areas where/when they didn't do well, and open enough to let you see the real them, warts and all. That's not easy for any woman, and we need to respect them for the risk they're taking in obeying this command of the Word of God.

HUMILITY: THE LEARNER'S POSTURE
We know up front that some "younger women" come with more initial knowledge than others. Perhaps you grew up in the church and have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by examples of godly women, being keepers at home, loving their husband and children. Or some women might come to Christ at an older age and already have practical experience of keeping a home, raising children, etc.

But most of us, particularly in this day & age, grew up with little or no examples in this area. We were entrenched in a society that valued a job- ANY job- over the job of homemaker. We were raised with messages that told us that men weren't any different from us, and that we were not only equal, but that our equality meant SAME-ness. With the rise of a feminist culture, we didn't see women wholeheartedly embracing their God-given responsibilities in the home. For the most part, we didn't see submissive women working at home, except in parodies and oft-derided 50's-era TV shows.

SO, with that in mind, let's just admit that as the younger woman,: WE DON'T KNOW IT ALL. Sometimes, it can come across like we do know it all. Perhaps we have earned a "degree" in early childhood education, psychology, or sociology and really do know about certain things; perhaps the woman mentoring us doesn't have a college degree at all. Without humility, that kind of relationship isn't going to work- the younger woman will feel like she knows it all, just because she read some books, and the older woman may feel intimidated by a younger woman who has a degree (as the world around us has certainly worked its harm on the psyches of older woman as well).

But if you haven't raised a child, and if you haven't been married for 20+ years, then you really don't know about how to do those things.... even if you've read four or more YEARS worth of textbooks with skads of statistics and facts. So we, as the younger women, must be humble enough to admit that there are things that we DON'T know.

We must be humble enough to admit that even though we THINK we know how we would "deal with that unruly kid" or "nip that in the bud if it happened in my marriage", until we've walked that path, we really DON'T know. I am confident that it is MUCH easier to say what we "would do" when we have never had teenagers, but even if we DO end up doing a good job of it later, it will take much more hard work than we realize on this side of it all.

All that to say, there are things we need to do if we're really going to benefit from Titus-Twoing. And I think two of the MAIN things we need to do are to be respectful and to be humble.


These are my general thoughts today. Any comments, questions, thoughts about this that you'd like to add? Or is there anything specific you'd like me to tackle as we go on through the series? Let me know; I always love hearing from you!

Show & Tell: September Highlights

Here are some great links on a wide range of topics that I've found over the last month. Have fun perusing and picking out a few to read/chew on/enjoy!

Children/Pregnancy

• How to Pray For Our Children- Amy wrote an article FULL of biblical passages we can use to pray for the children God gives to us
• Pregnancy, Cancer, and God's Perfect Design- Why our bodies function better when we buck societal norms (as we recently discussed here @ Making Home).
• Sallie Field doesn't speak for all moms- You may have heard about Field's crude remark at a recent awards show that if moms "ruled the world" there would be no ******* wars. This is an informed and interesting response to the thoughtless spewage that comes out of Hollywood in forms like the comment from Ms. Field.
• New Mom Denied Extra Time in Medical Licensing Exam: She asked, and was denied, the option to have special accommodations to pump breastmilk for her infant in the middle of a medical licensing exam. There are so many subtleties and issues to examine in this one; I don't know where to start. (1) Couldn't she have postponed her taking of the test until she didn't need to pump as often?, (2) Is this discrimination against women or would it truly be unfair for her to take regular, 40-minute breaks to pump throughout the testing period?, (3) does anyone else find it ironic that, in this situation, the MEDICAL community is making it more difficult for a woman to breastfeed? I'd love to hear your thoughts about this article in the comments!
  
• Children Are Bad For the Planet- The article begins: "HAVING large families should be frowned upon as an environmental misdemeanour..." and on it goes. (Please note: I will now happily accept all frowns that anyone wants to send our way for our misdemeanor of loving and receiving children into our family... I'd rather have a few frowns than to disregard my own conscience as informed by the Word of God.)
  
• Marketing PG/PG-13 Movies to Children- Christine presents a compelling case that reveals how the movie industry aims to draw children into higher ratings through series, trilogies, and careful target marketing.
• Education As Discipleship- Voddie Bauchum (This is one incredible man- I had the privilege of hearing him preach in person in 1999, and have enjoyed learning from him ever since) has written a treatise for why to homeschool, particularly in the early years... here's an excerpt:

"Let me be clear; I applaud men and women whom God has called to teach in government schools. These people are front-line warriors and many of them need to be right where they are. However, there is a big difference between sending “fully trained” disciples into enemy territory and sending our recruits to our enemy’s training camp. If we do the latter, we shouldn’t be surprised when our children come home wearing the enemy’s uniform and charging the hill of our home while waving an enemy flag."

• Meaning of Life: Monty Python's hilarious look at labor/delivery in a hospital! (Thankfully, none of my experiences have been anywhere CLOSE to this... but it is SO good for a laugh!)

Family Life

• Christian Family Embraces Organic Farming- I had to highlight this, because we actually bought meat and cheeses from this family for the entirety of our time in America at the beginning of this year. We also got to meet them, visit with them over a potluck meal, and take a hayride tour of their farm... they're a really neat family with a great vision for how to "do" family in a totally different way than many Americans do these days.
• How I Do It With Kids- Causabon's book (a GREAT thought-provoking resource for simplifying your life) provides a funny look at REAL life with kids vs. the perfection that's often presented online! :)
• You CAN Stay Home! - Kelly has written a great several-part series for motivation and ideas about how you can stay at home with your children.

Food for Thought

• Chapter One of "Jim and Caspar Go To Church"- You may find yourself buying the book once you read this online... it's a book written by a Christian and an atheist who attended a variety of denominations and kinds of churches across America and the conversations and insights they gained from each experience. An insightful look at Christianity in America.
• Embryo Adoption: There are an estimated unwanted 100,000 babies in cold storage in deep freeze units around America. Hundreds of these babies have been adopted and born (even after being frozen as a 6-celled blastocyst for FOURTEEN years--imagine asking that kid how old he is... "well, uh, that's an interesting question..."). Seriously, though: GO and read about it. You'll be amazed, as I've been, the more I've looked into this issue. While there are over 400,000 babies currently frozen for these treatments, about 75% of those are still possibly going to be "used" by their parents in hopes of having a baby, leaving approximately 100,000 unwanted babies that will not be used and will otherwise be discarded. But some couples are electing to adopt these embryos... it's an absolutely eye-opening look into ethical issues surrounding IVF and embryo creation for fertility issues.
  
• Vaccines and their ingredients: You may be surprised (as I was!) to learn that aborted human fetal tissue is an ingredient in many mainstream vaccines. Take a look and make an informed choice about these issues from now on.
• Enamored With Skirts- Interesting ideas about not only the wearing of skirts, but the "WHY"s of dressing the way we dress as women!
• A funny video/song about the 2008 Election
• CLICK ON THIS ONE: Randy Alcorn on Faith in Generation X
  

Actual Food, for Eating

• Twice-Baked Potatoes- YUM! I made a big batch of these and froze more than twenty of them (as she points out, no chives if you freeze em!) to have for future meals!
• Make Your Own Spice Rub- for great grilling flavor; sounds delicious!

A final fun link, just because I like it so much:

CHECK OUT THIS FABRIC. IS IT NOT BEAUTIFUL?!?! I can just see it as the lining, collar, and trim on a cute little girl's dress, or as detailing on a beautiful purse. Or to sew into the most happy, fun skirt for Maranatha to twirl and twirl in. Ooh... if only I had tons of money to buy fun fabrics and have them shipped here! :)


And, like always, a final laugh: Mrs. Brigham originally shared this cartoon (at right) about "udderfeeding in public"!

The Servanthood Paradox

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." -Philippians 2: 3-4

As I've been reading through Philippians this month, this is the section that has most grabbed my attention. Because the world tells us to "look out for number one", to "take care of yourself", to "mind your own business", etc. And the world tells us that the way to live is to climb a ladder of success, where I/you end up on top... that THAT (being on top of everyone else) will be what brings success and joy.

But the Bible says something different, which seems paradoxical. Joy is found in counting others as more significant than myself. Do I do this?, I've been asking myself.

• Do I count my husband as more significant than myself? Or do I take the "better" portion of dinner for myself? Do I seek to please him with what I cook and how I care for our home and children or is it my own interests I am most concerned with?
  
• Do I count my children as more significant than myself? Do I meet their needs with the quickness and intensity with which I would meet my own?
  
• Do I count family and friends as more significant than myself? Do I compassionately hear their concerns and diligently pray for them or am I quick to forget their hurts?
• Do I count guests in my home as more significant than myself? Do I give them the most comfortable seat and serve them, seeing to their needs?

The amazing thing I've noticed is this: as I've begun intentionally, consistently putting others' needs ahead of my own, my own joy has increased. There is legitimate joy and pleasure in meeting the needs of others and humbly taking care of those that we love.

Feminists often deride this sort of role for a female as demeaning or humiliating. But when we act as a servant, even to those with whom we are "equal", we imitate Christ Himself. Look how the passage continues on, in verses 5-7:

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."

Did you catch that? Jesus made Himself nothing. Do I make myself nothing? Or do I complain and whine and grumble if I am treated like I am nothing? (If so, I need to see Philippians 2:14-- "Do all things without grumbling or questioning...", which is probably why Paul wrote it as part of the "therefore" to this passage.)

And did you catch the other interesting thing about that passage? The mind of JESUS- the mind that makes itself nothing and serves out of humility is MINE and YOURS if you are in Christ Jesus ("which is yours in Christ Jesus"). If you are a Christian by faith in Jesus, then this attitude is YOURS for the taking! All we must do is realize that the attitude and mind of Christ is available to us, and walk in it.

What a thrill it can be to serve the people around us... I pray that these personal musings will be helpful and challenging for you as they have been for me. Blessings~

Painting: Le lavement des pieds, Corinne Vonaesch, 2001

Titus Two TODAY, Part One

Lately, I've heard many young Christian women, unmarried, wives, and mothers alike, asking a simple but profound question: "WHERE ARE THE TITUS 2 WOMEN IN MY REAL LIFE?" Yes, we see the Beth Moores and Cynthia Healds, and the Debi Pearls and Kay Arthurs of the Christian world, but somehow, this doesn't seem like what Titus 2 is calling for, does it?

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."

Titus 2:3-5 sounds more like in-person, real-life training. That's not to say that the Christian women authors and teachers aren't fulfilling a significant and important role in the body of Christ. But it's not the same as Titus 2 style mentoring. I did a poll a while back and have received many e-mails since, and have personally found that most women don't really know how to go about this. Young women don't always know how to *find* a mentor, and older women often don't know how to *be* a mentor. Some women seem really good at this, and others go about it somewhat subtly, but I think there are definitely Christian women that are falling through the cracks, on both ends of the spectrum. I have wondered in my mind for a while what I could do to change the situation.

I thought about writing a book (I'm always thinking about writing a book...) directed towards mature Christian women as a collection of testimonials and requests from young Christian women ASKING for this type of teaching in their lives. I've talked with other women about starting up mentoring ministries at my home church in America.

And lastly, I have thought about writing about it here and at least trying to make a dent in my corner of the blogosphere... and so, for now, that's what I plan to do.

Consider this the "launching" of a conversation about this issue- I want to hear your thoughts and comments as we talk through this issue of mentoring/teaching/discipling. I'd love for you to leave any questions or concerns about Titus 2-style mentoring, and I'll do my best to either find resources that speak to your particular concern or question or I'll touch on it personally in this series. Tell me what has lacked or where you struggle in terms of this kind of woman-teaching-woman discipleship. I can't wait to hear from you and learn more together about this important role for Christian women!

Interesting Thoughts From Acts

As I've been reading through Acts this go-round, I've noticed some interesting things I thought I'd share with you all:

CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS
I began looking carefully at biblical characters and how they are first mentioned. Look at some of these descriptions, all from chapter 16:

• "A disciple" - Timothy
• "a worshiper of God" - Lydia
• "a slave girl with the spirit of divination" - was later freed from that spirit
• "the jailer... was about to kill himself" - he and all his household were saved

Just interesting the way different people are described... it makes me wonder how I would be described.... what would be the first thing someone said about me, or would I be mentioned at all?

WHAT THE APOSTLES DID
Paul and Silas and other apostles at that time have some interesting phrases that others use to describe what they were doing (evangelizing the known world). Check these out:

• "These men have turned the world upside down" -17:6
• "You bring some strange things to our ears" -17:20
• "This Paul has persuaded and turned away a great many people, saying that gods made with hands are not gods." -19:26
• "This is the man who is teaching everyone everywhere" -21:28

Again, I wonder what would be said of me.

THE WOMEN OF ACTS
Women play a prominent role in Acts. In nearly every city or location of Paul's journey, women have some part to play in his work and ministry. This book makes a point to highlight not only the men who became believers, but also the women who follow "the Way."

• "On the Sabbath day we went outside the gate... and sat down and spoke to the women who had come together. One who heard us was a woman named Lydia, ... who was a worshiper of God. The Lord opened her heart to pay attention to what was said by Paul. And after she was baptized and her household as well," she urged them to stay in her home. (16:13-15)
• "Some of them were persuaded and joined Paul and Silas, as did a great many devout Greeks and not a few of the leading women." -17:4
• "Some men joined him and believed, among whom [was]... a woman named Damaris." -17:34
• Priscilla is mentioned, along with her husband Aquila, as Paul worked alongside this couple in ministry together. She not only works with her husband, but we find her explaining the Scriptures to Apollos because he didn't understand accurately about God. (Chap 18)
• In the beginning of Chapter 21, we see that wives and children are accompanying the men to the coast to send off Paul. They have such a connection to Paul, after only seven days, that they too (and not just the men) are included in his bon voyage "seeing off".

This kind of inclusion of women in the evangelism plan (16:13-15), ministry (17:4, 24), discipleship (18), and lives (21) of the followers of Christ is not only interesting- it is REVOLUTIONARY. No other 'religion' included women in this way from the beginning. Christianity has, from the beginning, respected and sought out the inclusion of women in evangelism, worship, and discipleship. And in this time period in particular, including women in the very fabric of faith was radical.

This lends even more credibility to the belief that Luke wrote Acts, because in his own gospel, Luke mentions and includes women more than in the other gospels. The book of Acts has women woven throughout.

One more thought... as far as I can tell, women are never included in the descriptions of people who participate and call for the persecution of the apostles. But women are consistently included as persons who minister to the apostles' needs and who hear and receive the words of truth.

THE VARIED EVIDENCE/OUTCOMES OF BELIEF
One other thing I noticed in this read-through of Acts is that there is not only one clear response of faith. Nearly every time belief is mentioned, an outcome is given, but those outcomes are not always the same. Here are some examples:

• Chapter 16: Lydia's response of faith is to open up her home to the apostles
• The jailer's response is to minister to the apostles by washing their wounds and feed them
• Chapter 17: The Thessalonians who came to faith are generally regarded as having learned their lessons well, as the 2 letters to the Thessalonians are not written to clear up many doctrinal issues, as much as they are to continue teaching deeper things to the Thessalonian believers. These believers only had Paul with them for three Sundays, and yet they seem to have been well discipled during those three weeks.
  
• We aren't told of the outcomes of the faith of the Bereans or the people who heard Paul in the Areopagus
• Chapter 18: The Corinthians had Paul with them for a year and a half, and yet (in stark contrast to the Thessalonians) the letters written to them are written to clear up doctrinal misconceptions, to correct believers who have erred, and to exhort them towards love and forgiveness towards one another. This was a church in crisis after coming to faith.
  
• In chapter 19, the people of Ephesus who had believed began speaking in tongues and prophesying.
• Many Ephesians who had become believers came, "confessing and divulging their practices. A number of those who had practiced magic arts brought their books together and burned them in the sight of all." These followers had a radical awareness of the seriousness of their sin, and they not only confessed their sin- they took steps to ensure that they would not return to their sin!

Just some interesting (to me, at least) observations about this incredible book of the Bible that gives such a rich picture of the beginnings of the Church and the early days of Christian faith.

How Discipling is Like Parenting

In his first letter to the believers in Thessalonica, Paul writes about his approach of evangelizing, teaching, and discipling them. He compares his methods to that of a mother and that of a father.

He makes the point that he & Timothy had not approached the Thessalonians for flattery, greed, or glory, but that they came instead gently,

"like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us."

Here we see a selflessness and commitment to one's disciples that is above just a friendly, casual relationship. Like a nursing mother to her child. As one who has nursed three children, this tells me that he was physically present, emotionally connected, and a virtual lifeline for those that he was discipling. That he knew the importance of sharing his "own self" with baby believers... all too often, these days, new believers get a pat on the back, a date for their dunk in the baptismal, and signed up for a class in a few weeks. Does any new American Christian get this kind of physical, emotional, and affectionate commitment that Paul describes?

But he doesn't stop there. He goes on to say,

"you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God."

This is the picture of a teaching father, one who knows each of his children, is familiar with their individual strengths and weaknesses, and gives a word when needed to challenge and shed light on how they should walk. This father is committed to encouraging his children to walk righteously. How many new believers get this kind of commitment from the church or from individual Christians? Virtually none.

The shame is on us. First off, we should be more diligent in sharing the gospel with those around us. Not just a lifestyle witness. But we should be telling people the reason for our hope, the reason for our joy, the reason for our love for one another. (Assuming we have all of those things- and if not, are we really believers?)

But secondly, we should be mothering and fathering those who are young in their faith. We should be committed to nurturing growth by careful, regular "feedings" of the Word, and exhorting them toward righteous living.

I can already tell that Paul's letters to the Thessalonian Christians are going to be rich and challenging. Perhaps you'll join me if you aren't already engaged in a Bible Study for the month of May?

Go Into (Your Home) & Make Disciples

I wanted to share something my husband and I have been thinking about, as our oldest son draws closer to an age of understanding. We fervently pray that Jesus will call him to be His disciple. Not just a convert. Not just "saved at an early age". It is not our goal for him to "have fire insurance" from Hell. We are not trying to merely get him in under the "once saved, always saved" teaching. No- our goal for our son (and all of our children) is that he would follow Christ wholeheartedly, passionately, and responsively for his whole life.

Even now, we constantly teach him about the reliability of the Bible. Even now, we are teaching him to revere it and listen to it carefully. Even now, we are teaching him to trust God & His Word over anything--or anyone--else. And that will continue for as long as he's in our home. We have very specific goals for how we will go about discipling our children. But we have an idea of a great way to reinforce what our children are learning at home.

NOT JUST US AS PARENTS
BUT OTHERS ALSO... we believe that others can play a critical role in that part of his life. Once he comes to faith, we have asked a close family friend to begin discipling him. Nothing "formal" or boring... but rather, a once-a-week-ish meeting between our child and a chosen mentor. A time for him to be encouraged to develop a pattern of daily time in the Word. A place for him to come with questions. A person who can be another resource for him in this fallen & full-of-sin world. A man he can listen to and watch as he begins developing as a young Christian man.

"As they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem... After three days, they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking questions." -Luke 2:43, 46

As he grows older, it is our hope that he will have several godly men who he can go to with questions and to share his heart. We pray that God will bless him with men of strong character he can learn from and watch. Men he can sit among, spending his time listening to them and asking them questions, just as Jesus did. Our goal would be to do this for each of our children as they grow to have faith in Jesus.


Have any of you done this with your children? Or have any of you had this sort of intentional, regular discipleship as a child/teenager, after you came to faith? Any thoughts?

The Jesus-Centered Home #6: Common to Commentary

As I continue this series to help give simple ideas about transforming our families and homes to be places where Christ is honored above all things, I want to share something that we do.

EVERYDAY LIFE
One of our aims is to take common, everyday events and things we see and use them to teach eternal truth. Whenever we have the opportunity, we bring things back to the Bible. Sometimes we may miss an opportunity but we are constantly trying to teach our children to see things from God's point of view.

FOR EXAMPLE?
When we see common things such as a traffic accident, a child having a tantrum, a TV couple being rude to each other, or a beggar on the streets, we make comments and ask questions that help our kiddos to see it from God's perspective. Like, "Oh, let's stop and pray for whoever was in that car." Or, "what did you think about that little boy screaming at his mommy? Was he having the right attitude? But he really wanted those cookies. Why didn't she get them for him?" Or, "Is that wife being kind and respectful toward her husband? Is that the way mommy talks to daddy?" Or, "how do you think Jesus wants us to treat poor people?"

WORTH THE EFFORT
It takes a degree of effort, in order to make it a habit in your life to constantly be teaching... but it is so worth it. We don't even have to start those conversations now with our oldest son (who's almost 5). He notices rudeness, and he is aware of idolatry (both in the real, Thai Buddhist sense, and the monetary, materialistic sense). He raises his eyebrows when people are rude to each other on a TV commercial or show (i.e., Nellie on Little House on the Prairie). We want to transform his worldview into one that reflects God's ways. To view sin as sin. To aim for righteousness and a life that pleases God. To live with self-control and a sense of honor. To have compassion for the poor.

"For as he calculates in his soul, so is he." -Proverbs 23:7

If we want his thoughts, his inward calculations, to be pleasing to Christ when he is a man, we ought to be instilling those things now, in the basic, simple moments of every day life.

Click HERE to continue reading "The Jesus-Centered Home" series.