Visionary Living

I watched as some good friends of ours prepared to send their oldest daughter off to college.

This was no ordinary sending-off; you see, we lived overseas. Our friends knew that they wouldn't be able to easily or cheaply send an overnight care package full of fresh-baked cookies. They knew that their daughter couldn't drive home over a weekend for hugs and R&R.

Their daughter was (and is) a very bright and well-rounded gal. I watched as my friend, the mom, cast a vision for her daughter. That vision, knowing her daughter well, included something like this: "What kind of academic goals have you set for yourself?" (She listened.) And then she said, "your dad and I want you to know what our academic vision is for you-- and that includes making the Dean's List every semester." (Now, remember, they knew their daughter.  This isn't a one-size-fits-all goal, but they knew that for her, this was a reasonable challenge.)

I think back to that sometimes, as a parent, and as a woman.

What kind of vision do I need to be casting for myself?

There is a huge difference, and we all see it, between an 80-year-old woman who has spent her life scowling and criticizing and grumping and an 80-year-old woman who has passed her days with humility and joy and gratitude.

Have you noticed it? Have you seen the wrinkles around the eyes of a woman who has spent her life smiling and laughing? They contrast sharply with the woman with deep furrows of despair from having grumbled and complained her way through the decades.

If I am like that daughter, being sent off into this next year of life, what vision am I taking on? Whose vision am I stretching to meet?

What kinds of qualities do you want to possess by the time you are 80?

What are you doing now to achieve those qualities in your life & heart?

Working My Way Home

{This article was originally posted as a guest article for Megan @ A Blossoming Homestead.}


Mine was the generation of girls who were told (and believed), "You can do anything a boy can do, only better."  

I was born in the first decade after Roe v. Wade. Though born to Christian parents, the seductive lies of feminism invaded my belief system from an early age. I dreamed career-focused dreams, without for a moment considering that any biological functions or marital desire would -- or should -- affect those dreams. 

Convinced that we were smarter than boys ("girls rule, and boys drool"), we were more cutthroat ("hell hath no fury..."), we were also on the receiving end of affirmative action efforts.  Colleges and businesses wanted us, but (at least in the south) boys still had to hold the door open for us. 

In every area, we girls were the beneficiaries. 

Or so we believed.

CAREER PLANS
After serving in student government and working as an intern for then-Governor Mike Huckabee, I worked for the Arkansas Legislature and shortly after graduation got a job in D.C. as the Associate Director of the Texas Office of State-Federal Relations.

I was well on my way to achieving my political dreams, gaining experience through assisting, which (in my mind, and validated in the lives of those I interacted with) I believed would lead to personally holding elected office. With strong political connections in Arkansas, Texas, and the White House, I had (though I was in my very early twenties) achieved the launching pad for the political career of my choosing.

...THEN CAME BABY

When I became pregnant, we began weighing our options and the plan that made the most sense to us was for me to keep going great guns with my career, and for Doug to be a stay-home dad. We went through months of thinking that way, but images kept flooding back into my brain.

I could see Angie, my friend and mentor, on the floor with her five young children... snuggling, playing,  nursing, laughing, and overseeing green army men and wooden block towers. I read breastfeeding books and pondered how in the world I would manage that from my office two blocks from the US Capitol, with my husband and baby in the suburbs during 10-hour workdays. Reading Iris Krasnow's book Surrendering to Motherhood: Losing Your Mind, Finding Your Soul gave me much to ponder. While not a Christian book, Krasnow digs into the intersection of the feminist message and the earth-shaking role of mother. She painted the picture for me of her messy dining table, with three kids three and under, and the unabated joy therein.

Somewhere inside of me, these images and messages roiled and rumbled, until one day it all spilled out to Doug in one emotional, heart-felt, impassioned-in-the-same-way-I-had-previously-been-about-politics lump of words.

And he listened.

Praise God, my husband listened to the emotional jumble and heard inside of it the nugget of truth... the God-given desire of a mother to be home with her child, not missing a moment, pouring her heart and soul into this new person.

EVERYTHING CHANGED
Because my husband honored this desire of my heart, it changed everything about our lives. No longer would we be able to afford to live in Washington, D.C., and no longer would he pursue a graduate degree in Art.  We took a leap of faith, without a job, without insurance, and moved back to Texas.

NOT A CAKEWALK
Because our son had stayed a week in the NICU that did not accept our insurance, we were financially in debt.

Things were tight, but we knew God would care for us. And He did.

Through God's people, Doug found work. Through his work (at Kohl's), we were able to afford to re-outfit his closet with professional attire (rather than that of a college artist), and he found a job that brought home just enough for us to live on.

We weren't "comfortable":

• We lived in a one-bedroom apartment in a small, rural town
• We had one car, so I was in that apartment almost 24/7
• I was overweight and had almost no clothes that fit (but a nice set of suits a couple sizes smaller)
• We didn't have money to change any of that

BUT-- we knew we were doing what we were made to do, and we were content.

From Genesis 2 forward, men are created to work, and women are created to be nurturers of life. God designed us to do exactly the thing that didn't make sense to the modern notions of wisdom.  

Though our career plans were big and we were successfully chasing those dreams, God had other plans for us.

And now, eleven and a half years later, we've moved around the world multiple times, and now have 5 boys and a girl (ages 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, and 7 months), who I am privileged to spend my days alongside.

I am still so thankful for the things God did to change our hearts and priorities, and wouldn't change a thing!

Well, I take that back. I would have sold that closet full of suits while they were still in style.

But aside from that, not a thing.

Encouragement For the First-Time Mom

Just today I was reminded of the baby shower of a dear friend of mine. She is a gem of a gal and though I missed her wedding while we lived abroad, I was able to attend her first baby shower. Wise woman that she is, she asked for all the moms in the room to shower her with encouragement and advice as she moved into this new phase of life.

Here is what I shared with her that day. I hope it will encourage you, too:

"When the days get hard (and they will), and the nights get hard (and they will), it helps me to remember that God is sovereign. 

Out of all the people in the universe that have ever lived, He sovereignly placed you as the mother of this baby. He hand-selected that baby for you, and hand-selected you for that baby. Out of all the potential combinations of people that could have been in your family, this is the one He ordained.

So when you feel overwhelmed, stressed, unsure, exhausted, or like you can't do this, no matter what you're facing, take comfort in knowing that the all-knowing, all-seeing sovereign God ordained this. He is good and wise and trustworthy. Knowing everything that would happen, from beginning to end, and knowing everything about you both, He made you for that baby, and that baby for you.

Lean on and trust Him more than anything else. He's so faithful and as you seek Him, He will guide you into all wisdom and give you all that you need as you raise that sweet baby."

Discontentment & Gratitude

There are always things in life you can choose to be discontent about.

There are always things in life you can choose to be content with.

The difference lies in your choice.


Don't believe me?   Let me give a small example.

Recently, unbeknownst to me, one of my sons was looking forward to building a rifle from some old scrap wood in our workshop. He apparently went all through his schoolwork thinking that at the end of it, he could go out there and build it.

Unfortunately for him, I don't let the kids go out to work in the workshop by themselves when I'm the only one here. The risk of an emergency goes up with them going out there. Stepping on a stray nail or hurting onesself with a tool become real possibilities. And with me being here alone, nursing a baby, keeping an the preschooler, etc., I just won't take the risk.

After he finished his schoolwork, he said, "so, can I go out to build my rifle?" When I answered, my explanation was met with a downcast body and face.

His disappointment was natural, but I watched as it wedged its' way into his heart and threatened to ruin his whole day.

Discontentment sneaks in and steals the joy from what would otherwise be normal--or even good--days.

That also was a day when my husband went in to work around 5am and wouldn't get home until 10pm.  It was a full workday for him, which meant a full workday at home for me, with no rest for the weary.

This also meant that this particular son didn't get to fulfill his wish of building the rifle at any point that day. By bedtime, dejected that his daddy didn't make it home before bedtime so he could run out and make his rifle, he was darn near weeping. (I'm keeping this story anonymous for this reason.)

There's no shame in his feeling genuine disappointment, but we really do get to pick the things on which we will focus.  

After everyone was in bed (4 boys sleep in the one room), but before I took the opportunity to pray for them, I asked him to list out all the things he got to do that day... ordinary things and fun things, things he did by himself and things we did together... and pretty soon, his tears dried up.

After listing just a few items, his voice began to change. It wasn't crackly and emotional anymore.

Instead his whole being-- inside and out-- was reflecting the change in his focus. Once he began to focus on all the good things (big and small), the one thing he DIDN'T get to do was no longer eclipsing them all and everything about his attitude changed.

CHOOSE
By choosing to "count our many blessings" we are choosing contentment. When we choose to focus in on the difficulties, or the things we *want* but don't have, it eclipses the good things and keeps us disgruntled and our perspective skewed-- we are choosing discontentment.

Try it. Right now, take a moment to list out 3 people/things in your life for which you are grateful. Really and truly, imagine what your life would be like without those people/things.

Keep going past 3.

Keep going until you feel the change in your spirit.

However many things it takes, and however long it takes.

If you're not in the habit of doing this, it will feel difficult and pointless. "Really?  I'm supposed to thank God for towels?" Yes.  If that's something you're glad you have, then yes. "Cheddar cheese & a cheese grater?" Yes. List that too.  Include the hug you got recently or the book you have to read anytime you please. Include that you have enough money to buy toilet paper and internet to read this blog post.

It is not bad circumstances in your life that make you discontent. 

It is discontentment that makes your circumstances seem bad.

My son had plenty of things to be thankful for, but he was discontent because of his focus was fixed on the one thing he couldn't do that day. Once he changed his attitude to one of thankfulness, he no longer felt, looked, or sounded discontent because reality dawned on him and he was able to express and truly feel gratitude for the things he HAD done.

The same is true for all of us.

What we focus on- and the attitude with which we focus- changes everything.

Gratitude really is the game-changer.  


For further reading on this topic, check our CCEF's wonderful article on the subject of Gratitude:

• Start with Everyday Life, Now Overlay it with Gratitude

Images courtesy of David Castillo Dominici and anankkml/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Discontentment & Comparison

Discontentment & comparison often accompany one another.

Comparison will always kill joy, whether it's comparing UP or comparing DOWN.

COMPARING UP? 
It is interesting to consider that when we compare, if our hearts are yearning for self-pity, we compare up.  

If it's about our home, we compare ourselves to the gal at church or the rich cousin with the nicer home.  We don't compare ourselves to the poor women at church who just got evicted from her apartment because her husband lost his job.  Nor do we, in that moment, compare ourselves to the woman whose situation is slightly worse off (financially speaking).

If it's about our appearance, we compare ourselves to the woman who can afford nice things, the one who gets regular mani/pedis, the one who buys department store makeup and has a gym membership.  We don't compare ourselves to the woman who has an even *TIGHTER* budget than our own.

OR COMPARING DOWN?
And when we compare, if our hearts are yearning for pride and self-worth, we compare down.

If it's about our home, we compare ourselves with the woman who hasn't a clue about decorating, or the one whose house is a pigsty.  When our soul's goal is pride, we don't compare ourselves to the woman with slightly more organizational know-how or design flair than we possess, or to the woman who has a better knack for putting colors and fabrics together.

If it's about our appearance, we compare ourselves to the haggard woman, the one with frumpy out-of-date clothes, or the one who is overweight and out of shape.

No matter which way it goes, comparison is ugly, tempting us to compare ourselves to the rich and beautiful for self-pity, or to the poor and ugly for a sense of superiority, never the opposite. 

And I'm not encouraging any of us to make the opposite comparisons, necessarily.

For the most part, I think we should avoid comparisons, although, very occasionally, comparisons can be helpful (i.e., Last summer, when a friend received heartbreaking news, it put my own woes and temporary grumps and gripes in perspective of her great loss, and gave me good perspective.  Her hurts silenced my complaints.).

Mostly, though, I think we should opt to dropkick the comparisons to the curb, and feed our minds with truth.

DON'T COMPARE, CONSIDER
Instead of comparing, the Bible encourages us to "consider" certain things--

• "Fear the LORD and serve him... consider what great things He has done for you." ~1 Samuel 12:24
• "Stop and consider the wondrous works of God." ~Job 37:14
• "Blessed is the one who considers the poor! In the day of trouble, the LORD delivers him." ~Psalm 41:1
• "Whoever is wise... let him consider the steadfast love of the LORD." ~Psalm 107:43
• "Look at the ant, o sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise." ~Proverbs 6:6
• "In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other." ~Ecclesiastes 7:14
• "Why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." ~Matthew 6:28-29
• "Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them.  Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ~Luke 12:24
• "You must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." ~Romans 6:11
• "I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us." ~Romans 8:18
• "Consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.  But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world... so that no human being might boast in the presence of God" ~1 Corinthians 1:26
• "Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, but encouraging one another." ~Hebrews 10:24-25
• "[Look] to Jesus, ...who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." ~Hebrews 12:2-3
• "Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God.  Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith." ~Hebrews 13:7

When we keep scripture as our standard, rather than people, our perspective changes.

We begin to consider all the things God has done for us... all the things He has done, period.  We consider ourselves in light of eternity, and consider ourselves in light of the vast universe He holds and cares for each day.  We get a vision for life that is bigger than ourselves & our comparisons.

Look to what GOD tells you to focus on, rather than what Facebook, magazines, Pinterest, and even your own deceitful heart, tell you to focus on.

Comparison kills; considering Scripture gives life. 



Chickens image courtesy of bplanet/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Truth About Quality Time (Trail Blaze #5)

It can be easy, as a stay at home mom, to forget the significance of what you are doing.

In our modern busy-busy-busy, degreed, careered, materialistic, overcommitted society, it is easy to devalue the perfect normalcy of the simple everyday routine, and how that will sear warmth and joy and security into our children's souls.

For example, studies continually show that sit-down meals as a family echo out for decades into a child's future.  That one action affects things like a child's performance in school, likelihood to try drugs, and future obesity levels.  The family dinner, that used to be a given in virtually every home, is now almost a radical act of cultural disobedience.

We are incomparably blessed as mothers.  

There is no role in society like ours.

I am fairly confident that I could rival any supermodel in the amounts of flowers I've been given (if dandelions count), the number of smiles I've gotten, the number of times someone has clamored for my attention, and the number of compliments I've been given in my life.   On the rare day when I wear a necklace to church, I'll hear--multiple times over-- some variation of: "I wike yo pitty neck-us mommy."

Truly, it is a rich blessing to have precious uniquely-built souls looking to you, smiling at you, reaching out arms to you, with little hearts eager for your notice of their latest accomplishment.  Each child watches and learn from mom about the world-- and each child offers love with such open, tenderhearted affection.

Eternal significance oozes out of the pores of the pregnant mother.  

Until this last century, every single human being knew it, and reverenced it.   

As the pregnant woman nurtures a new life, she is brought near to the Creator-- the giver of souls-- and she watches as His creativity is revealed yet again right before her eyes: 

• The miraculous first hours of wonder, awe, fear, and reverence with a new baby roll over into 
• Sleepless nights, which roll over into 
• A new normal as a family, which rolls over into 
• Getting to know a new little blossoming personality, which rolls over into 
• Following this little wandering soul around your house 24/7 because they're too little to really understand words and rules and no-nos, but just big enough to be curious about everything and just risky enough to try to find out, which rolls over into
• Defiance and determination the likes of which you're convinced the world has never seen, which rolls over into
• Figuring out house norms and rules together as parents and child, which rolls over into
• Repetitive daily life.

And it's that last one that really seeps into all of the others.  

It's that last one-- repetitive daily life-- that can cause some mothers to think, "this is dull/unimportant/insignificant."   

It is easy to believe lies about what is significant.  

We all want to believe that what we are doing is weighty.  

We are bombarded by worshipful images and messages that communicate that career-minded workaholic women are to be admired.  Society repetitively communicates to us that "me-time", mani/pedis, perfect hair, and dream-chasing are where joy, dignity, and value will be found.  

Scant few of us have witnessed, at an age we can remember it, a determined, devoted, disciplined mother loving and serving and joyfully, productively passing days alongside her children.  

(Psst.  Even though you may not have seen an example of the kind of mother your child needs for you to be, you are utterly irreplaceable in the life of your child.  You are one of a kind, and God has uniquely fitted you for the position He's put you in as a mother.   What's more, this is the one crack at life that you-- and your child-- get.)

Last night I went out to finish up the project that has taken up my extra time for weeks-- the one where I bit off more than I can chew and yet here I am, still chewing, and miraculously it's coming along like I hoped it would-- building the chicken coop.  

I walked out to the workshop alone, and brought my phone and earbuds so I could listen to a sermon and have a little down time.  

But almost immediately after I walked into the workshop, I heard the door open and close behind me.  

Baxter (my 9-year-old) asked if he could help build the coop.  So moments later, we were nailing reclaimed boards up for siding on my blueprint-less chicken coop when he said, "it's amazing that you can just think up and do something like this, ya know?" 

(While I'd like to let his comment hang in ambiguity so that you all would think he was saying that about me, I should clarify that he was saying this about the universal "you," as in, "it's amazing that a person can just think up and do something like this.")  

So then Baxter and I shared an inspiring-to-me exchange about how God has made us humans creative, like Him, and how incredible it is-- the things we can accomplish, when we put our minds to it.  I told him how excited I was to see what God would give him to think up and do in his lifetime.

Those moments just happen.  And we can't script them.

They are the overflow.  Special moments of encouragement, conversation, and soul-building are what happens as time marches on and the little days with infants roll over into exhausting days spent training toddlers to be pleasant and abide by rules, which roll over into enjoyable days spent with older children.  

THE TRUTH ABOUT QUALITY TIME

The truth about quality time... and I hesitate ever-so-slightly to say it because I wish you could hear my heart in it... but the truth about quality time is this:

Quality time is a myth made up by busy people.

Quality time is experienced in the unexpected moments that crop up during quantity time.

And we instinctively know this to be true, because we experience it in our other relationships and areas of life.  

When we have a mad-dash crammed-full-of-relatives holiday, we don't feel that we've suddenly gotten to know their hearts and seen a glimpse of their souls.  We've gotten a quick-and-dirty update.  We've seen their pretty, cleaned-up-like-it-won't-be-for-the-rest-of-the-year house, and they've seen us in our well-chosen outfit that hides our postpartum fat rolls as best we are able.  We've all stuffed ourselves with food and information, and we go home full but not truly satiated.

We know it when we take a May-term class and get the "gist" of the class, but miss out on the regular interactions with a wise professor that shape our souls in unexpected and foundational ways.  The 3-week quick version simply can not provide the same experience that a semester-long, week-in, week-out class provides.

A fast food meal, passed through a window, fills the belly, but does not in any way compare to a sit-down meal, cooked by the home or restaurant chef, accompanied by good conversation and time to laugh and relax.

When we finally meet "the one," we ache to be together.  One date every so often would not produce the kind of relationship that satisfies... no, sometimes it is difficult to even say goodbye at night (even when we know we'll see each other early the next morning).  We long to KNOW and be KNOWN... our souls long to connect with another human being in intimate, satisfying, mutually beneficial, secure ways.  

The truth we all know is that quality time happens in beautiful, unplanned moments of quantity time.   

What have you experienced in your family?  What do you think about the quality/quantity time dichotomy?

Making the Most of Our Multi-Tasking Abilities

We women tend to be multi-taskers.

We try to squeeze as much as we can into a given moment- carrying the groceries in (loaded down like a donkey), calling instructions to the kids over our shoulder, using the tiniest sliver of our index finger (otherwise weighed down with groceries) to open the gate, kicking the gate closed with our feet, already mentally planning which steps need to be done in which order, in order to have dinner prepared in less than 20 minutes, so we can nurse the baby when he wakes up in 25 minutes.

But sometimes there's a tendency to think that we have to have silence and solitude in order to meditate or enter into spiritual truth in a deep way.  That the schedule has to be cleared in order to intake spiritual "food".  That if we could just get away from daily demands, THEN we'd have time to retreat and find rest for the soul.

But one of the things I've come to know in the last eleven years as a mom is this: silence and solitude and beautiful and rare... but a peaceful heart and calm spirit can happen in any setting, at any time.

Let me keep this short.  Basically, I try to (as often as possible) combine one item from list A with one item from list B:

In a nutshell, use those times where the mind is free to fill it up with things that are meaty and spiritual and encouraging.  Don't let the time fritter away and go to waste.  That's not to say every moment has to be filled with noise.  Moments of just letting my mind be at rest, and nestling into solitude, can be healing and helpful.

But our minds are not naturally bent toward godliness.  

If we perpetually give our minds nothing on which to focus, we will easily drift into self-focus--  replaying hurtful conversations, mentally jotting down a list of things we "never" get or "always" have to do, replaying compliments and reviewing "successes", or replaying hurt and criticism and reviewing failures.  Or we can drift into busybodying about others-- reviewing things they did (or didn't) say, things they did (or didn't) do, thinking of things they should (or shouldn't) say, things they should (or shouldn't) do.


Instead, I most often click on my audioBible or head to YouTube (or one of my apps) and turn on a sermon by Chandler, Piper, Chan, Harris, or Driscoll.

Let me encourage you to try it-- or do it more often-- give your mind something on which to focus during tasks when your hands or body are busy doing something otherwise mindless.

Please hear my heart: don't let this be a point of legalism or guilt for you.  

By all means, take time to enjoy the silence nursing your new baby... or if the kids have been at it all day, enjoy the solitude and relaxation of a hot, quiet bath.  But in moments when your mind craves something to do, or would tend toward self-focus or busybodying about other people, my encouragement for you is to give your mind something to do-- combine list A with list B and let God renew your heart, mind, and soul as you go about your daily activities.

Cut Out the Unhelpful (Trail Blaze #3)

1 Corinthians 6:12-- "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be dominated by anything.

In this season as a mom of several little ones, I have come to believe that it is significant-- crucial, even-- for us to guard our hearts and minds by prayerfully cutting out things that are unnecessary and unhelpful.  When we are living with increased hormones, and the daily wonderful but nonetheless real responsibilities and stresses of life with young children (including its physical and mental demands), we are under great strain.

Our culture bears the signs of this-- the rise of postpartum depression, a grasping for "me time", an insistence by those who choose to avoid it in some way - "Oh, I could never (FILL IN THE BLANK: stay home, homeschool, have that many children, give up my career, have them that close together)" -- these things hint at the reality of the difficulty of this season.  Others see it, and we feel it.

And God Himself sees it... Isaiah 40:11 says that our Shepherd "gently leads those who are with young."  He knows that we are under great strain, and need to be handled gently when we are in this season of mothering young lambs.


In that same vein, I have learned to deal gently with myself-- giving myself grace and space to breathe and have a little spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional margin.  Like the woman to the right, we are faced with an overwhelming number of possibilities, and our culture encourages us to go-go-go-go-go.  Our lives have only so many hours, only so much physical and emotional strength to exert, only so many things we can be committed to do and do well.  So I try to carefully weed out unhelpful things that add strain and stress to my life.

Examples in my life of this are:

• Too many outside activities-- Instead of finding a place of stillness and quiet, our hearts have a tendency to churn...  to commit to a gazillion "opportunities" for our children that in actuality require a pace that is exhausting and draining for everyone... to be busy and going, virtually all the time.  Our culture (even church culture sometimes) places great value in activity and encourages us to place value in investing in OTHER people rather than our own families... to call OTHER service "ministry" but not that which happens within our own four walls... to look for satisfaction, entertainment, thrills, and distraction outside of our homes rather than in the relationships and eternal beauty of what happens inside of our homes.  For my part, I try to carefully limit how often we are out and about, and choose to spend the vast majority of our time and energy at home.  I'm an extrovert, and I enjoy being out and about... that's not it.  And our children are actually quite enjoyable to take to stores, go thrifting with, or steal away to a bookstore for an afternoon with... that's not it either.  They also are very good at athletics and fine arts so it's not that they can't be successful or that we are opposed to those activities. It is simply this: when we are outside our home, running around, we are much more likely to settle for distractedness rather than engaging in relational growth and intentional interaction... when we are going places, we are-- in our souls-- constantly disrupted, distracted, wandering.  There is a beauty and rarity in having a quieted and contented soul, and I find that being home-- truly staying home-- (at least, most of the time) feeds that quietness and gives us all time to be "at rest." This may not hold true indefinitely but for this season of having little ones, it is a beautiful thing that I can testify feeds the souls and bodies of each member of our family.  
• News-- for me, in this season, I've found that the news is an unhelpful and disconcerting intrusion into my life.  There are only rare moments where something truly necessary is shared on the news, and even then I know it will be told to me other ways.  If I hadn't had CNN on the morning of 9/11, I still would've learned about it within plenty of time.  If I didn't already know that we were under a tornado watch last week, the texts from Doug & Cate would have alerted me to it.  When I do (rarely) watch a news program now, I am appalled at the depth of darkness and depressing topics.  Abductions, sexual assaults, scandals, "entertainment" news (filled with sexual topics and divorce-type "news"), and far-off disasters fill the 30-minutes or hour.  As a mom with so many things on my mind, so many concerns in my heart to pray about, watching the news is worse than a mindless distraction-- it feeds fear, anxiety, anger, and discontentedness, and also stirs up discontentedness and judgment about other people.  For many years now, I have opted out of news 99.9% of the time, and I am more at rest because of it.  I still check yahoo! headlines for huge-mega-world-important-sized news, but aside from that, I try to exercise self-control and not take on stress, depression, and burdens that I can do nothing about when there is so very much right in front of me requiring my mental and emotional exertion.
• Shopping as a boredom-fixer or pick-me-up-- Shopping malls are designed to make us discontent with our lives.  Catalogs, online retailers, marketing e-mails, and more, all call out to us: "come, spend your money here on this cute tunic dress, this new diet book, this great kitchen gadget, this trendy piece of jewelry, this adorable pair of summer slip-ons, this bestselling novel... etc."  But there is no bottom to this money pit.  There will always be a new trend, a new book at the top of the list, a new diet everyone's "raving" about, a new "must have" item for your home.  No store or retailer wants you to keep your money in your pocket.  Shopping as a distraction from real life is not the answer to depression, discouragement, boredom, frustration, bitterness, a difficult relationship, or physical/mental/spiritual exhaustion.  At best it is a temporary fix that drains your resources.  At worst, it can land you in debt and lead your heart to believe that things will make you happy.  That things are where your treasure is.  That things are what make you valuable, pretty, or unique.  I am not perfect at this (bookstores are my weakness) but this is an unhelpful habit (just cruising the mall/glancing through the catalog/browsing amazon wishlists) that I have tried to cut out of my life.  When LLBean or Coldwater Creek send me their catalogs, unless I'm looking for a particular item that I have in mind right then, I go ahead and pitch the catalog right away.  When a retailer sends me a coupon, I flag it in my e-mail box so I can go back and find it if I need it, but I don't go to their website to begin scouring for something-anything-please-please-please to spend it on.  Shopping is not the answer to my boredom or discouragement, and admitting that and finding ways to deal with it has been a reality check for my soul, and has been a gift to our pocketbook.

These are three "unhelpful" tendencies I've tried to eliminate from my life.  Can you think of any unhelpful things you've eliminated from your life or home?  Are there things God would have you eliminate, even for a season, to feed your soul and body and give you rest?  I welcome your comments.

Form vs. Heart (Trail Blaze #2)

It is so easy to get trapped (as a mom, as a woman, as a wife, as a child of God) in thinking that a particular *form* is what's needful, rather than understanding that it is the heart with which God is concerned.  Don't fall into this trap!

I'll offer one example, but it's merely an example... an example of a "good thing" that can be elevated to a "necessary thing" if you look at the form, rather than the heart of the matter:

THE 5AM "QUIET TIME"
For example- the 5am quiet time.   Is this necessary?  Some bloggers and books seem to communicate that waking before your children is the "right" thing to do.  That if you're godly enough, if you prepare enough, if you are diligent enough (see how all this depends so stringently on *you* being good enough?), then you'll make a way for this to happen.  "Because if God's Word is important to you," their 'wisdom' goes, "you'll make Scripture the first priority in your life."

Well, I would argue with that line of thinking for many reasons--

1. Your priorities in life do not always/necessarily line up with the chronology of your day.  Sometimes you do something first because it makes sense to do it first, not because it's necessarily the most important, or because it's the most valuable to you.  Sometimes you put off something that is extremely valuable to you because you want to be able to give it your best attention or focus.  The timing is not always the key factor in whether something is a priority to you. 
2. This way of thinking completely dismisses the idea of seasons in a woman's life.  God Himself, in Isaiah 40:11 among other places, indicates that expectations differ based on the stage a "sheep" is in. One who has only young children, a nursing baby, a child with special needs, or other unique demands, is simply in a different stage than someone with teenagers, a college student, or an empty nester.  
3. It smacks of pharasaical thinking.  One description that sticks out for me (of the Pharisees) is this one (Matthew 23:4) : 

They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. 

Christian woman, don't get caught up in thinking that because someone else does something a certain way that you must emulate her form!

Focus on the heart...  if you find someone you look up to, imitate what is godly about her heart... her motivations... her character.  But eschew ways of thinking that would convince you that you need to follow and subscribe to the specific details of someone else's life (the curriculum she uses, the time or method of her Bible study, the cleaning schedule she follows, her convictions about intimacy/ food/ birth control/ etc.).

Motherhood Musings from Sally Clarkson

In May of 2012, I was delighted to hear Sally Clarkson speak in person at our area homeschool bookfair.  Let me encourage you: if you are ever able to read her books or hear her speak, you will almost immediately notice that she fills your mind with words of challenge and vision in your role as mother.

In my experiences with her (hearing her speak, briefly speaking one-on-one with her, listening to talks she's given, and now reading her books) I continue to find her perfectly challenging, but delightfully willing to share her imperfections.

There are plenty of women to be found (particularly in Christian homeschool circles) who (intentionally or unintentionally) position themselves as perfectly coifed and poised in every way, but while Sally Clarkson freely shares her strengths & accomplishments, she strikes me as very balanced in the way she shares those things.  Her goal seems to be to encourage and build up the Body of Christ... not to position herself as the end-all, be-all expert on and example for everything in life.

Here are a few of the more challenging and encouraging quotes I've read so far in her book, The Mission of Motherhood:

"As I look to the needs of the children of today, I am convinced they need the same things from their mothers that I needed-- and received-- from mine.  They need... the gentle touch of a mother's hands, her focus and attention on a daily basis, a champion & a cheerleader, someone who has the time and energy to give encouragement along life's way and comfort in dark times.  They need a directive voice to show them how to live.  ...Meeting these needs is not an option or a sideline for mothers, but part of [God's] design."

To answer the modern view that motherhood is optional, or that mothers and fathers are interchangeable, she writes:

 "God equipped a woman from the very beginning to bring life into the world from her own body and to nurture growing families.  How wonderful that He gave her a womb to bear a child, breasts to feed it, a more padded physique suited for cradling babies, and the emotional makeup, with all the right hormones, to be able to nurture and care for her children and to maintain relational connections in her family.  According to recent research, He even structured our brains to make it easier for us to handle several tasks at once-- as the tasks of caring for a household and small children demand.  From the very beginning, then, God equipped women for a specific role in the family-- that of bringing life into the world and nurturing it."

And finally, on the issue of how modern women respond to what our culture says about motherhood, she wrote THIS gem:

"Often, women feel confused and torn between the cultural messages they hear about what is important for them to do and the eternal message God has written on their hearts.   

If they absorb the cultural message, they may avoid having children at all or radically limit the number of children in order to leave enough time and energy for their "real" work.  They may consciously or unconsciously resent the children who keep them from being "productive."  Or, more commonly, they will exhaust themselves trying to have it all-- a successful career and a vibrant home life.  They try to fit too many activities into their days and end up feeling that they are not successful at anything they do.  

A whole generation of children, as a result, ends up feeling rushed and pushed, with little or no sense of the comfort and stability of a satisfying home life.  ... When the biblical mission of motherhood is devalued and disappears from culture, the whole next generation suffers morally, emotionally, and spiritually.  

In this day and age, it is seen as intolerant to present the view that there is a "best" way of doing anything.  The modern values of tolerance and open-mindedness lead to absurdity when it becomes offensive to say, for example, that breastmilk is the best option.

The unquestioned, meteoric rise of feminism brought with it the view that career, money, personal acclaim and power are what give value to a woman.  This perspective virtually prohibits the speaking out loud of the view that mothers staying home and caring for their children on a daily basis is the best option.  But study after study after study shows that it truly is best.  Not only is it best for the child, but studies show that up to 70% of women (and these are modern women being surveyed, not the Betty Crockers of the 1950s that feminist authors love to revile) say they would prefer to stay home with their preschool aged children if they truly felt it was a viable option.

I hope to continue to share other valuable encouragements from her book and others as time permits, but hopefully these snippets have been an encouragement to you today as you go about "making home".

Click here to purchase or learn more about the book:  

Finding a Mentor?

As "younger women" like Titus 2 talks about, how do we go about finding a mentor-- an "older woman"?

Here are some places I've found them:

• In my local church
• From neighbors & friends in community
• Through books & biblical teachings
• Over the internet

But I think one thing that can trip us up is if we are only open to learning one particular thing at a particular time.  When I think back about the women I've learned from, most of the mentors of my life have not come *at the time that I felt like I needed* to learn that particular thing.

Instead, I have looked for women who do anything well... some are lifelong learners and have some interesting topics/subjects to teach me about (for example, one friend is really into personality theory --like MBTI-- and so I borrowed the best books she had on the subject and she explained to me how to apply those things in real life), so I learn things like that from certain friends.

While single and still in high school & college, I babysat for three different families, and I noticed that they raised their children thoughtfully & intentionally.  So I learned things about that from them even though I wasn't remotely near having children.

Some women I'm watching now have challenging/difficult marriages but persevere through them and I try to learn that even though I'm quite content & delighted in our marriage.   Another woman I've learned from lately is really faithful at Bible study and teaching and so I've been intentionally spending time to learn that from her.  A different woman I used to spend regular time with has an immaculate kitchen (despite having 4 busy children spread over 15 years) and is also an excellent cook.   I learned a lot just by watching her about food prep & keeping a kitchen tidier than I'd previously thought possible (not that I do that super-well now, but I do it better than I would've if I was only paying attention to try to learn one particular topic to learn from her and missed the things she did well).

If I purposed to only learn the one or two things I felt like I needed at a particular time in life, I might have missed learning from any of these women.  Instead, I try to focus on what other women do *WELL* and try to learn that, regardless of whether I think that's the particular thing I "need" at that moment in life.  

Look at what things a woman does "excellently" and seek to learn from her.  If we do that, I think regardless of our context (even difficult ones: overseas, with few friends/connections; in a small country church with few friends; in transition with no long-time friends, etc.), we can find a plethora of mentors even if it's not necessarily in the area where we ourselves are struggling.



Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Thinking About PostPartum Things...

... and thought I'd ask you all to "weigh in"... (pun intended... I'm nerdy like that.)  :-/

So, Lord willing, I'll be having our 6th baby in about 10 weeks, give or take three days from his due date if it's anything like our last few deliveries.  (He's having hiccups right now, FYI.)  :)

I've had some things on my mind concerning the postpartum time this go-round.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1. How soon to jump back into Weight Watchers?  OR should I do something else?  I can't remember just now if I mentioned it last year, but from August 2011-March(ish) 2012, I lost about 35 pounds or so with Weight Watchers.  I've heard they have a breastfeeding plan, but I just want to know -truly- from those of you who may have done it/heard about it: does it affect milk supply?  I'm not one to even take the slightest risk of messing with milk supply issues... so lay it out for me.  Have you done WW while nursing?  Any thoughts for me?  (And PLEASE don't say things like "oh, you won't have to do anything; breastfeeding takes your weight off naturally."  I've had five babies... all exclusively nursed past 12 months--by exclusive I mean we've not ever supplemented with formula-- they do start solids anywhere from 6-10 months-- ... and my weight hangs on for dear life until I wean the baby.  Every time.)
2. Have you ever done postpartum tummy wrapping?  I read this post about tummy wrapping, and this article about belly binding, and have been looking at reviews of products on Amazon.com, and am considering this Postpartum Support Girdle in particular.  Yes it is a touch pricey, but I bought and used one of those silly $15-20 postpartum wraps before (like the Medela one), and they bunch and pull and don't cover enough of my waist, and are an utter waste of money (in my experience), as they just don't stay on, and the velcro can rub against the skin and irritate it.  I'm sure body type plays into this... I definitely tend more toward the hourglass shape, and so the difference between my hip and waist measurement is pretty stark... so a straight "band" really isn't enough to put things back where they should be.  And, let's face it, six babies in, I need some stronger help getting things firmed back up.  So I'm willing to pay more if it delivers more and really WORKS to help firm things up more quickly.  Thoughts about that?  
3. In case you're curious, here's my 30-week belly shot:
4. Baby Wise-- I need to reread it!  Ack!  So much to do in the next 10 weeks.  I recently re-read my own series from when I blogged about Babywise with Moses, but I need to remind myself of the book itself and pull out my old trusty copy of Nursing Mother's Companion as well.  
5. I'm trying to think what all we need to have for this new little guy... I've already been browsing thrift stores to fill in gaps of any clothes he might need (since he's a different season than most of my boys' clothes-- we have had three July boys, and one March boy-- some of the clothes won't fit him, seasonally).  I need/want a new carseat for him... the one we have is old and I want one that is well-suited to the vehicle we drive.  I also would like to have one of those video monitors for him... or at the very least, I need a good, reliable audio monitor.  Our house isn't huge, but the way it's laid out means that the room where he'll be sleeping (our bedroom, the first few months until he sleeps through the night consistently) is on the opposite corner of the rooms where we'll spend most of our time.  So- do YOU have a good recommendation for me for a RELIABLE monitor (audio or video?)
6. Any other thoughts or questions for me?  Anything *you* think I should be thinking about?  

Thanks, if you made it thus far, and thanks EVEN MORE if you leave me some comments with your advice or thoughts about ANY of the above.  :) 

Labor Pains: Enjoyable?

So I've been thinking about labor lately... naturally.  :)  I'm at 29 weeks and my belly is bulging (proof in the Thanksgiving family picture below) and Theo is getting more and more active, bumping his little rump and elbows and fingers around in there.  And of course, each time pregnancy happens, the baby has to come out.  I've been thankful to have five healthy births and am planning our first home birth this go-round.

When I recently commented that I actually *enjoy* labor, a friend asked "why."  So I thought I'd go ahead and blog about it.  :)

Now-- here's the deal: I am no yoga-master-mindgame-guru... and I'm not in the "supernatural-childbirth-camp" that believes that if you just have enough faith you won't experience pain (frankly, I think that contradicts the Word of God all over the place... from Genesis all the way through to when Jesus describes the end times)... and I'm not psycho, nor am I in denial.  I am completely aware that labor pain is crazy painful, and my labors have ranged in length (26, 8, 4, 4, and 9 hours).  I've had back labor and done it with and without epidurals, with and without pitocin... believe me, I *get* that labor pain is massively PAINful.  

But I have found some things that I really have come to appreciate and, yes, ENJOY, about labor.  

1. I enjoy the process as part of the process of life... the way God built things to work.  We as women have this miraculous ability to be used by God to create NEW human beings... which, to me, is just stinking amazing.  And so, like any productive process, whether baking or building a house or keeping a strong marriage, there is a "cost" and there is some "work" to it... but it is part of a process.
2. The pain is productive pain.  There is plenty of pain in life that doesn't really serve a purpose... or that we just have to get over.  So, yeah, labor HURTS, and hurts MIGHTILY... but it is productive and will end in bringing my precious baby into my arms.  
3. Even in the midst of the pain, there is anticipation.  It's like the frantic work of baking and cooking before Thanksgiving, or baking and wrapping and preparing everything before Christmas... there's such a delight in knowing: THE WONDERFUL MOMENT IS ALMOST HERE!!!!
4. It means the waiting is over.  Ugh!  Those last few weeks, ya know what I mean?  They can seem interminable.  But once I'm in labor, I know, they have reached their end.  My baby is coming.  Now.
5. It is such a unique part of the human experience-- more than half of the people on earth will never be able to experience it... so there is a unique perspective that can come with it.  And those of us who have gone through it know it... it's why women sit around and tell labor stories, and once they get on a roll, it's like they can't stop.  Each of us, whether we claim to enjoy it or not, relishes the uniqueness of the experience.
6. I appreciate that Jesus compares it to the time leading up to His return on earth.  (In Matthew & in 1 Thessalonians) Isn't it amazing that as laboring women, we get the "inside scoop" of insight and clarity into how that time will be.  At first, you're not quite sure, "is this it?", "maybe it's about to start?"... but eventually, it becomes clear that labor is happening, ready or not.  It's a productive pain that starts out slow, coming closer and closer together and growing in intensity, but all the while you know it's leading to something WONDERFUL.
7. I like doing something that is such a challenge but that I know God created me to do.  Maybe it's my competitive side, but I really like knowing that there's this big challenge ahead of me, but that I can do it.  That God made me capable of birthing this child... He made my body capable, He made me to mother this child... that He has uniquely created me for this moment.  

So these are some of the reasons why I really have come to enjoy the labor process.  Not because it's easy or quick for me (it's not!  Last time-- with #5-- I labored longer than I had in the previous 3 births...), and not because I'm delusional, but just because I've come to appreciate the process, the productiveness of it, and the person it ultimately brings into my arms.

Hope this helps encourage others too.  :)

Let's "Ketchup"!

I suppose it's time for me to write a blogpost, seeing as how I'm getting about 347 spam blog comments each day with very vague and generic (but surprisingly lengthy) comments for product-selling websites.  They're onto me, you might say.  I've been a lazy blogger, but have enjoyed a productive and fun summer.  Hope you have too! :)  I've got some issues and thoughts swirling around in my brain, so I'm hoping to be more productive, writing-wise, very soon.

1. As of today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant with either a little Ruby Jane or a Theodore Gideon (we'll call him Theo).  Either option delights me... in different ways.  Certainly, our six year old daughter, Maranatha, would be utterly thrilled, complete with heart flops and chillbumps, to have a little sister.  But I love my squishy, funny, what-you-see-is-what-you-get boys... so either way, I'll really be thrilled.  Virtually every person who knows us is pulling for a girl, for Maranatha's sake, poor little girl in a sea of testosterone.  :)  We thought we'd find out last week, but the sono machine was out for servicing (what???).  Hopefully we can find out soon.
2. Projects I've been up to: I've made a lavender-scented rice heating pad and used it about a bajillion times, fixed our couch cushions (they had ripped off of the back of the couch and had to constantly be readjusted to not look TERRIBLE), and organized our family's shoe area with some Martha Stewart cubbies I found on deep discount @ Home Depot.  (We don't wear shoes in the house, so we previously just had a big ugly pile of shoes, grass, and random books/toys at the back door.)  It's felt great to be PRODUCTIVE!  I started a special board on Pinterest just to document which Pinterest ideas I've actually completed, to help motivate me to do more.  How do motivate yourself toward productivity?
3. We had a garage sale on Friday.  Saturday was a complete rain-out, but it worked out fine, as we'd already sold about 2/3 of what we had on the Friday, and allowed me to use those "free" hours to fix the couch cushions.  It felt so good to see all the "stuff" that had been clogging up one whole section of our garage walking out of our yard in other people's hands, with a little extra cash in our pockets.  
4. I've been making pumpernickel bread from my 
5. Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day Cookbook
.  That method is genius.  SO easy and incredibly tasty... this is the first time I've had success regularly baking bread, because it just makes the whole thing so very easy.
6. Homeschooling this year has been entirely different than any other year we've had.  We've always done Sonlight, with TONS of reading out loud, lots of great books, and a bunch of time on the couch together.  That just wasn't practical for us this year, as I thought about the variety of ages and stages our kids are at, so we've been using something I previously snobbily sneered at: workbooks.  LOL.  And it's going great!  We're still reading aloud-- some --but the great majority of their subject learning is happening via workbooks. The kids are each making solid progress and I've definitely come to see that God gives grace and kindness in a variety of ways, in each season, as we need it.  Truly, while I intellectually believed it before, I am seeing in practice that there is not one right "formula" and that we each have to do the best with what we have and trust God for the increase.
7. Our ladies' Bible study this fall has been going through True Woman 101: Divine Design: An Eight-Week Study on Biblical Womanhood (True Woman) and it has been phenomenal.  It has been so exciting to see women synthesizing the truth about the culture we live in and where it deviates from what Scripture says about why God made men and women, and the ways we are different, by design. 
8. I've been going through Scripture from the beginning, looking at how Godly people interact in ungodly cultures.  That theme has existed from Genesis 3 onward, and I have already noticed some interesting things.  I've also been reading through John, looking at Jesus & the way He interacted/spoke with people around him.  That, too, has been incredibly insightful.  The first thing I noticed, for example, was that Jesus' first question recorded in John is "What is it you are seeking?"  It's a good question for all of us to think about.  What is is, if I try to look at my life in an unbiased way, that I'm seeking?  What am I pursuing?  What is it that I sacrifice to obtain?  What am I looking for?

What's been happening with you?  Any comments/thoughts on any of the above?  

As always, this blog fluctuates and flows according to how often I'm able to sit down and write, but with the outdoor-summer season ending, and with being home more often during the days, I'm foreseeing more opportunities for writing in the near future.  

Hope you'll continue to join me as we thoughtfully interact with Scripture & culture as Christian women. :)

LARGE FAMILY THOUGHTS: Mom of Five, and Pregnant For the Ninth Time

:)  Even starting this post, I feel a sense of pressure- I want to express myself clearly, but not hurt the heart of the woman facing infertility, and not criticize or sit in judgment of the mom of two.

I want to share some of the blessings of having a large family, and not come across as if I don't count the cost.  I want to share some of the challenges and not scare away women who are already hearing fearful messages about motherhood from culture.  But I'll just do the best I can, and trust God to use this sharing for good in your heart and mine, and for His glory.

I want to share what God has taught me, how He has changed me, and how the landscape around me has changed, as our family has grown.


Please read this as a personal tome and not as a prescriptive tutorial.

A LARGE FAMILY?
When we married, we knew that we would be large-family weirdos.  :)

Well, let me take that back... I had been told by my gynecologist at age 16 that I had poly-cystic ovaries and would have difficulty getting pregnant, and might not even be able to have children.  Doug knew that going in.  So we knew there might be obstacles.


But still, we talked about large families and having lots of children, and both of us were "in" for that vision before we married.  We weren't super-spiritual people... by that I mean, we didn't have outward vestiges of holiness.  I'd dated around and been reckless and rebellious for years of my life (in ways I now regret), and he was a hippie artist from a divorced family who drove a VW camper van.  While we were both genuinely children of God, we were singed and scarred from having the majority of our worldview influenced by the world and culture around us.

Somehow, though, we both loved children and both loved Scripture and entered marriage with hearts open to the possibility of having lots of children.  Whenever we expressed that shared desire to people, we got a lot of responses like, "yeah, just wait until you have one or two...", which made me sad.  It is truly sad that Christian people try to dampen the vision and desires God puts on the heart of two young people.


Nonetheless, despite our open hearts, God had a lot of self-importance and career-idolatry (both for me, with politics, and for Doug, with painting) to move out of our hearts, which he did in those early years, and still does from time to time (just last week, I had this daydream of being a Senator...).  :)

BABY #1
Jumping ahead to parenthood, to move the story along, after a difficult first baby labor and delivery, and after deciding to stay home with him, I purposed to enjoy every single minute with Ethan.  And I really did.  At his first birthday party, I remember reflecting back and being so thankful that I'd tried to listen to the wisdom of older moms: "take time to enjoy him; they grow so fast!" The biggest lesson of that first baby was that it's not about me... everything took longer and I had a different body and different life than I'd had going into it, but when I welcomed the newness and reveled in the changes, seeking wisdom as needed, there was inexpressible joy.  


Focusing outward (on others) rather than inward (on myself) was a wonderfully freeing change of attitude.  I still was a crummy housekeeper and a terrible cook, but I was learning some things about being a loving wife & mom.

BABY #2
Soon I was pregnant with Baxter, and he too was a welcomed blessing in our lives and hearts.  New lessons came with him: with a natural delivery and immediate breastfeeding (which I wasn't able to do with Ethan, as he had been whisked away to the NICU for a week) came an influx of hormones and attachment/bonding that I hadn't experienced so easily with Ethan.  There were so many physical and hormonal benefits that I hadn't known the first time around.  I internalized the truth that God made our bodies to work so wonderfully!  

I also began learning about prioritizing needs, as all moms of more than one inevitably have to learn. :)

MISCARRIAGES
When Baxter was about a year old, I got pregnant again, only to start bleeding about 2 days later.  It was an early miscarriage-- the kind that doctor's offices irreverently term "chemical pregnancies".  Thankfully, by this point, God had firmly convinced Doug and I of His good sovereignty, and I felt certain, even in the midst of the physical process of miscarrying, that God would give us the children He meant for us to have.  I still believe that.  That does not mean I didn't hurt, but I really did have a quiet confidence in God's goodness despite present circumstances.


The next month, to our surprise, I was pregnant again.  5 days later, I miscarried yet again.  People around me thought I was crazy, I think, for not being uncontrollably emotional about these two losses, but I held fast to confidence in God.  I knew He had not abandoned me and would make something beautiful of this. 

BABY #3
The next month, I got pregnant with our beautiful Maranatha.

No one questioned our decision to get pregnant for a third time.  I think it seemed natural to people; "oh, you finally got your girl."  We'd smile and think, "Lord willing, we're not stopping here, but thank you."  :)

While pregnant with her, we packed up our home, sold most everything we owned, and moved to the opposite side of the world, to China.  She was born in Thailand.

Having a daughter certainly gave me a different sense of responsibility as a woman than I'd previously experienced, with the boys.

I felt that I needed to understand what the Bible teaches about being a woman even better, that I needed to be a godly example for my daughter, not only of personal holiness, but of grace and kindness.  The Bible talks of a "gentle and quiet spirit" and I'd always seen myself as having a forceful, passionate, and loud spirit, LOL.  I needed to be able to help her understand how to navigate the natural biological functions of womanhood, the biblical roles of womanhood, and our culture's views of women.  I began thinking and reading about these things more.  This blog was started, in a large part, because of my grappling with these things as I strove to understand what God means for women, regardless of culture, and what God means for Christian women, here in this culture.


During this time, too, Doug got sick.  The LORD taught us so much about suffering, problems, and pain.  We learned to trust Him when we were smack-dab in the middle of a season of suffering.  We did not know how it was going to end, but we grew dependent on the LORD.


BABY #4
That summer, as things leveled out with Doug's health, we moved to Istanbul and found out the same week that we were expecting Silas, our little stowaway.  :)

Reactions to this pregnancy were decidedly different than I'd experienced before.  Friends were excited but still asked, "so this was a surprise, right?"  Relatives' reactions ranged from pleasant to "oh no!" and "Well, if you're happy about it, then congratulations."  Having a 4th baby seemed so intentional, I guess.  :)  So much like embracing insanity.  :)  So "in your face"... like deliberately choosing something so unnecessary.  But we looked at the precious smiles, and sweet moments with each of our 3 unique children and knew that God was right-- children are truly a wonderful blessing.

While these were some of the most tender and sweet days, I admittedly was entering what would be the most difficult season of my life thus far.  In a small apartment, in a new culture, without language skills, with four children 6 and under, my days were mostly eaten up with physical tasks- tying shoes, making chicken spaghetti, breastfeeding, picking up army men, changing diapers, putting on coats, pouring cups of milk, snuggling.

My blog became to me a place to outpour all of the thoughts I'd stored up through each day (this was 2007-2008).

Even in the midst of wonderful times with our children, I faced personal discouragement, and when two old friends came to visit me (separately), I realized how much I had changed, though I still couldn't express in what ways I was different.  I was grappling with how to lovingly train my children, cutting anger out of my heart, my role in and out (?) of our home, choosing contentment, and learning hospitality.  Living overseas, despite the fact that we were often hosting large groups in our home, loneliness and isolation were real and present concerns in my life at that time.  OH, how I longed for a good friend.


I read and felt the truth of Isaiah 40:11: "He gently leads those who are with young."  God looks at those who are with young through gentle, tender eyes, and He knows we are made of dust.  I took to heart His kindness, and grew more dependent upon Him.

God's Word became more precious to me, and God used all these struggles to break me of my sense of pride and self-reliance.  I hadn't realized it before, but I had skated through my early years of child-rearing in my own strength.  I gave cursory nods to God in prayer or by trying to apply Scripture, but I still carried it all out in my own strength, confident in my own abilities.  During this time of struggle, God showed me how much I had taken glory in my own talents and strength.  He stripped me of the sense that I had it all together.  And I thank Him for it... I still work to not fall back into the thought pattern of self-reliance.

ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE
When Silas was about a year old, we learned that we were expecting again, when we were about 2 weeks out from a move.  Thankfully, a moving company came to pack and physically move our belongings, so I didn't have to lift things, etc., but it was still a stressful, unsettled time.

I believe it was the day after our move that I began miscarrying, at about 7 weeks along, 2 weeks farther along than our other miscarriages had been.  Certainly this was more difficult, emotionally, as I'd   had more time to get excited about the baby coming.  But physically, it was much more difficult than the previous 2 miscarriages.  I was spent, utterly exhausted.  Silas was still nursing many times a day, I was homeschooling Ethan, taking Turkish language lessons, and I had a house to unpack and organize, and new neighbors to meet.

Here is where God ministered to me through my husband.

We had previously thought through various stances concerning birth control, and come to the belief that in general, for us, fertility and family should be our default position.  Biologically (generally speaking), God has given women a long window of fertility, and he has put our hormonal levels of desire at the very point in our cycle when we are most fertile.  It seems straightfoward to us that God set it up so we would (on the whole) be fruitful.

However, unlike what some people call a "quiverfull" mentality, we also believe that we are to be thoughtful stewards of our bodies, souls, and families, like anything else.  He who starts building a tower without considering the cost is reckless.  Doug Wilson comes the closest to explaining our point of view in this article, which is similar to how a farmer views stewardship of the fruitfulness on his land: BIRTH CONTROL.  (My favorite quote: "A man can have a high view of apple trees and still not plant them a foot and a half apart in his orchard.") Children are wonderful, AND we are stewards.  Consider carefully, AND trust God.  Both/And.  Anyway, moving on...

At that time when I felt used up, post-miscarriage, mid-move, and with four children six and under, Doug "lived with his wife in an understanding way."  He determined that we would take measures to prevent pregnancy for a time-- both to allow my body to rest and heal, but also to allow me the opportunity I'd not ever had-- to nurse a baby for as long as both he and I desired to do so (after my two miscarriages while nursing Baxter, I'd always weaned ASAP once I found out I was pregnant).  We made it to 18 months, when Silas began weaning, and I enjoyed about a 6-month "rest" (though I know to some people that sounds absurd-- that with four children, and a nursing baby, I was resting, nevertheless, and at the end of those six months, I felt like a new woman).


Through Doug's love for me, understanding my heart, and meeting my needs, I saw another picture of Christ loving the Church, tending to her, caring for her, protecting her in her weakness.   He loved me and cared for me and it fed my soul and allowed us to steward what God had given us well.

BABY #5
We prayerfully decided to again be open to children, and like a true "Fertile Myrtle" :), I got pregnant with Moses.  This time was different.  Pressures of life overseas, limitations of living in an apartment, the expense of traveling (either for vacation or to see family), the weight of childrearing without any support from a nearby family member or friend willing to occasionally help lift the load... we knew something would have to give, and for the first time, I experienced pregnancy considering the possibility that it might be the last.

Even with painfully sharp ligament spasms, and normal pregnancy "ailments", I sought to again enjoy every part of it-- the first flutters, the full-on kicks, the sonograms, the labor, and the delivery... and I did.  Someday I'll write about my last 3 labor experiences; I intended to years ago, and should do so soon.  My labor with and delivery of Moses was quite different from all the others.

Anyway, he was such a precious addition to our family, and for the first time, really, I got to experience some of the absolute outright joys of large family life.

First of all- people didn't criticize us anymore (namely, those same relatives who had rude comments the 4th time around), at least not to our faces. :)  Maybe they finally realized we were going to do what we were going to do without considering their disdain or disapproval of our "choices", and so they began embracing each personality as individual and began seeing us as a unique family, too... not just a carbon copy of theirs, and not something to be compared or contrasted to theirs... just unique.

But what was most overwhelmingly new about this time was that our older two boys-- eight and six years old-- really began entering in to the enjoyment of baby Moses in a new way.

Instead of solely being like a small young sibling, just asking when they would be able to play, and learning to help by bringing diapers and such, they actually began saying things like, "mom, did you see the way he scrunches up his cheeks when he smiles?"  Or, "oh, mom, he's so cute; I can't imagine a cuter baby in the whole world."  Or, "have you seen him _______?"  They began interacting with him in ways that previously only Doug and I had done-- they were able to see and watch him every day and relate to him more like how we as adults related to him- doting on him, noticing all his cute details, treasuring moments of just holding and snuggling this newborn baby as the unique times that they are.

It was amazing to us to see how much they loved him, how much he meant to them.  Truly, it softened and shaped their hearts in a way that surprised me.  There was something decidedly different about having older children around with a newborn than there had been about having a bunch of little ones close together.  Though that had been fun and special in its own right, this was even better.  I began to see how God has designed for us to learn about and know about family life... I knew Ethan and Baxter would be better fathers for having experienced the delight and wonder of Moses as a newborn.

WHAT ELSE WAS/AM I LEARNING?
In bullet-point form, here are a few things:

• to embrace and accept the chaos of daily life
• that messes are made very fast, and pile up quickly, in a large family
• that messes are cleaned up quickly and easily, when we all work together, in a large family
• to enjoy moments of quiet but not feed in my heart an unhealthy appetite for them (i.e., "me-time")
• to depend on the LORD and look to Him for guidance and trust that He will give it
• to rest in God, looking to Him as the source of acceptance in my life, and not expect it or look for it from other humans
• to care for my own soul, being a godly steward of it
• that children really are a blessing.  Each of our children brings something so special to our family life (Ethan- curiosity, enthusiasm, and wonder, Baxter- hilarity, acceptance of others, and softhearted faithful friendship, Maranatha- artistry, tenderness, and passion, Silas- our funny, sensitive, snuggly little squishball :), and Moses- the baby who we are all convinced is the most precious in the world), and we truly can't (and wouldn't want to!) imagine life without them.  Each personality God has brought into our family's life has enriched each of us and added color and joy to our family.  
• Each child does not just "add" to the love in our family- they multiply the love, as we each develop a new relationship with this new person.  When we married, there was one relationship in our home-- the one between Doug & I.  With the addition of Ethan, there were 3 relationships-- with Doug & I, Doug & Ethan, and Ethan & I.  With the addition of this 6th baby, there will be 28 relationships going on (simultaneously!) in our home.  That is a lot of love, a lot of learning, a lot of sanctification, a lot of relationship.  So many opportunities to experience love, seek & express forgiveness, learn to understand others' perspectives, serve one another.  I praise God for this!
• that I am not going to be magically "zapped" with biblical wisdom and insight-- if I am going to be a wise and godly woman, wife, mother, and friend, it will come with discipline and purpose on my part, as I yield to God, letting Him instruct my heart.
• that my role as the wife & mom in a large family will only be eternally successful if I quit relying on my own strength and yet, as unto the LORD, purposefully grow in skill and wisdom, walking in the Spirit, and trusting God for the outcome.

And there is more, but I'll stop there, for now.  Except to say this:

EXPECTING #6

We are pregnant for the ninth time.  :)  We hope to meet our newest little "valentine" next February.  The kids are so so so thrilled (all of them!).  

I am (more than ever) aware of my own frailty and limitations, and yet, (more than ever) aware and completely confident in God's goodness in giving always and only what is good, and what will bring glory to Him.  I am so thankful that He is going to root out even more of the selfishness that resides in my heart.  God truly does sanctify us through childbearing.  I am so grateful that He will teach our children more about love, kindness, gentleness, patience, self-control, and more, through this new baby.  

I am so excited to meet him or her, and just as each of our children has done, to see how our family will be changed by this new person.  God has been so gracious to us, and never stops pursuing our good as He seeks to make us more like Jesus.  When we yield to Him, and walk in the Spirit, He is so good to do amazing things in our hearts and families.

I thank Him here and now for what He's doing in our family, and pray that this has encouraged your heart.