Motherhood & the Difficult Wisdom of Romans 14

We've all heard of (and likely experienced) the "Mommy Wars". As mothers, we can feel completely removed from other believers, if we make a parenting choice that is contrary to what they are choosing or what they chose. No matter where you live, if you're reading this and you're a mom, you've likely faced one of these issues, and may have butted heads with another Christian about it:

Stay at home vs. Career moms
Breast vs. Bottle
Spanking: Biblical or no?
Quiverfull vs. any limiting of family size at all
Schooling choices
Video Games
Sleep issues (co-sleeping, front/back sleeping)
How often children get baths
How soon to talk about x, y, or z with your kids
Sleepovers
Extracurricular activities

So many women feel beaten down for their choices. Or feel proud and combative about their choices. Or feel angry about other people's choices. Or feel bitter about other people's reactions to their choices. The thing is, none of those outcomes are good. Mommy wars are so very likely to end in pride, heartache, and frustration. With each other. With ourselves. And that's not the way we Christians are supposed to interact with one another.

There are some good things that can come when we share about our OWN choices. Curious people are satisfied. Confused people find more clarity. Unsure people may find sure footing (either in agreement or disagreement). Even people who are confident in their own choices may find their views/opinions sharpened and strengthened by hearing various other viewpoints. Sharing the biblical basis for our own decisions in parenting, home life, or marriage can be helpful for others who are either peers traveling the road with us, or for those who are slightly behind us on the road... to serve as guideposts for them as they eventually face some of the same choices in life.

But even in that (just talking about our own choices), we need to be careful. In electronic format, words can be so easily misinterpreted, and the same sentence can carry completely different meanings if read with venom or honey as the perceived "attitude". Here are some principles I see in Romans 14 (a chapter about Christian disagreement) that can be helpful for us mommies as we sort through and discuss these issues of motherhood, particularly online: (I'll share my own thoughts of what we can infer from each command behind each bolded main idea.)

1. Welcome others. (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, unwelcoming. We are quick to section ourselves off into groups of those with whom we agree.
   
2. Do not quarrel over opinions (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, argumentative. We like to be "right".
   
3. Do not pass judgment on others (vs. 4, 10) - We are, in our flesh, critical and condemning. We like to be a part of "us" and not "them".
   
4. Be fully convinced in your own mind (vs. 5) - We may walk around airing opinions that we aren't fully convinced of. We may have a tendency to not think through things carefully.
   
5. Do not despise one another (vs. 10) - In our flesh, we may feel hatred for or look down on the people with whom we disagree. Though we are called to love, our disagreements can quickly deteriorate that love we are to have for one another.
   
6. Remember that we will give an account to God (vs. 12) - Not only for our words, but for our actions and beliefs. We are quick to forget that we're each responsible for our own lives.
   
7. Decide never to put a stumbling block in the way of someone else (vs. 13) - We can unnecessarily build walls or barriers between us and others.
   
8. Don't intentionally and overtly do something to grieve another believer (vs. 15) - We can cause pain to others by our choices and words.
   
9. Pursue peace (vs. 19) - We should major on the things that we can agree on with the Christians around us.
   
10. Pursue what will mutually build up one another (vs. 19) - Find common ground and strive to sharpen one another in that area. This doesn't come naturally; we have to work at it.
    
11. Even if you have peace about something, if it grieves another believer, don't make a show of it. (vs. 20-22)
    
12. Whatever you do, do it in faith. (vs. 23)

Good stuff. It's amazing how the Bible really does speak into our lives, even from nearly 2,000 years ago. Any thoughts?

Hospitality by Moms of Young Children?

We host larger groups in our home regularly now (see the picture of piled up shoes in our entryway as proof!), and have for almost a year. But it wasn't always this way. Something I've realized (being a mom with young children) is that this is a wonderful way for moms of young children to be involved in life as part of the body of Christ.

Even though you are intricately tied to the home, you can serve, interact with, influence, and befriend all kinds of people by having a hospitable home. When people know you are happy to host guests, make desserts, or have a get-together in your home, you can become their “go-to” person whenever the need arises. When a guest preacher comes to your church, the pastor may think of you as a family who can provide him with lunch. If the women's Bible study needs someone’s home to host a party, you will become known as someone who enjoys opening up her home.

That may sound scary to you... it would have to me a few years ago. But the fact is that by opening up your home, you can get to know people better in a place that allows you to be the mom of your children. If your kids need a nap, you just excuse yourself, put them down for a nap, and rejoin the conversation moments later. Bedtime can happen and then the get-together can go on. Even during this time of "working at home”, when you aren’t regularly venturing out into the world, you can essentially bring the world to you.

OK, BUT HOW?
I'd encourage you to begin this week and learn a new dessert recipe, or put together 2-3 possible menus. Think of menus that would taste good, but also be realistic possibilities for you to prepare on an average day in your current stage of life. Think about things that can be made ahead of time and frozen, things that can cook all day in the crock pot but be excellent over rice or pasta. Consider the possibilities, and then craft a few possible menus.

Then, jump in. Invite another family over. Or an older couple. Or a hungry college student. At first, you will probably feel inadequate. You may find that you need to learn how to get several meal items all ready at the same time. Or it may be that you need to do a better job estimating accurate serving portions for groups.

Whatever you learn about your hostess skills, if you find something(s) lacking, focus on one thing that most needs improvement… and then do that one thing better the next time. The more you have people in your home, the more natural it will become. And by focusing on your one area for improvement each time, it will also become easier each time you do it.

BUT MY HOUSE IS A MESS!!!
In general, you can relax about the daily mess of life. Your home doesn’t need to look as pristine as the White House for guests to enjoy a visit in your home. Make things presentable and tidy, and then dive in. Do take the time to tidy up the room or rooms that you’ll be spending your time in, but don’t worry about it if you have a full hamper or haven’t mopped. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect, and in fact, the fact that you live in a “real” house will probably be an encouragement to the people you’re hosting.

BUT I’M NO FIVE-STAR CHEF!!!
As far as meals go, it can range from the simple and inexpensive (a baked potato buffet-style meal) to the basic and every-day (simple pasta, simple sauce, and baked/grilled chicken) to as creative and special as you want to make it. It’s really up to you. But simple meals like waffles with syrup or a grilled chicken salad can be every bit as good as the extravagantly-made meals that a chef could dream up. The point is NOT to become some world-class chef (although by having groups over, your cooking skills WILL greatly improve)… the point is to use your home to serve others.

And what a wonderful way to begin really getting to know your brothers and sisters in Christ! Invite the widows, college students or the single mom and her kids in your church over to your home.

Young moms, hospitality is an excellent way that we can extend our reach during this “home-bound” season of our lives and impact even those outside of our homes for God’s glory. We will find loads of ministry opportunities if we will graciously hold out our homes as a tool for God’s use.

Click here to read more articles about hospitality.

Noteworthy & Quoteworthy

Lately, many of my posts have been just passing on things that others have written or said that I've found meaningful... but I hope that you find these things helpful or encouraging too. So much of these are things that I would say or have felt or thought, but then I find it in print or blog form from someone else, and so it's pointless for me to try to re-write the same thing when I happen upon someone else who has put my heart into words.

(By the way, yes, I changed my photo to the one you see here. My hair has gotten longer- pregnancy always seems to do that- and it feels dishonest to me to have a photo that isn't what I really look like. So this one is more reflective of what I look like these days.)

Here are some noteworthy quotes I've found recently:

ON LIFE MISTAKES & RE-DOs:
BETH MOORE, in a Q&A post on her blog:

Q: If you could live your life all over again, what is the one thing you would do differently?

A: The tears are stinging in my eyes and I’ll have to try hard to keep from sobbing on this one. The list of things I’d do differently is so long, I couldn’t pick one out and the worst of it so appalling that I wouldn’t share it anyway. I have been so stupid. I was so messed up and clueless that my healing took a long danged time. I am as true a testimony of the forgiveness and grace of God of anyone you could know. He has been utterly unreasonable in His love and patience for me and I will love Him forever for it. To love much after I’ve been forgiven much is my hope. ...He is such a Redeemer. His sovereignty is my only peace.

TITUS 2 MENTORING:
Susan Hunt, in Biblical Womanhood in the Home, in her chapter called, "Older Women Mentoring Younger Women":

"Everywhere I go I meet young women who long for spiritual mothers. Some express a sense of loneliness, and yet they do not even realize that the disconnection they feel is because they do not have nurturing relationships with older women... It is time for Christian women to step into this vacuum and show and tell the truth about womanhood.

But where are the older women?

In recent years, I have observed a troubling phenomenon. Many women of my generation have relinquished this high calling of nurturing younger women. My generation has abandoned this calling for many reasons. Some simply do not know this biblical mandate. ...Some think they have nothing to offer. Some are intimidated by the intelligence and giftedness of younger women. Some have decided this is the season to indulge themselves. Some want to share their life experiences, but they feel isolated from the younger women and don't know how to bridge that gap.

I plead with the church to call and equip women for this ministry. God is gifting His church with incredible young women. ... We must be good stewards of this gift. We must exemplify the faith to them, and we must teach them how to show and tell the truths of biblical womanhood to the next generation."

Megan, at My Heart, My Home, wrote about her "Titus 2 Woman":

"God knew what He was doing when He created the gift of relationship. The idea of older and younger women coming together to share life, wisdom, laughs, and so much more is brilliant. Every woman needs a friend who's a safety net that will gently catch her and help her back up on her feet when she falls. If you don't have a Titus 2 woman in your life, I encourage you to take the risk and initiative in asking someone who's caught your eye. And consider this, if you're already older, there may be a younger woman who's looking at you! I hope that I won't forget the cycle of the Titus 2 woman; that it's not always being the younger woman who's taught, but also the older woman who passes down wisdom."

ON SINGLENESS & SEXUALITY:
Joe Carter, at Evangelical Outpost, on Pre-Marital Adultery:

Consider this thought experiment. Imagine a man is to be married on February 14th and has sexual relations with a woman who is not his fiancé on:

(a) The night before his wedding.
(b) The day of his wedding.
(c) The day after his wedding.

The action in each instance is the same but the term we’d use to describe the man would depend on when the event occurred: (a) would make the man a cheating cad, (c) and adulterer, and (b) either a cheating cad or an adulterer, depending on the time of day. Regardless of what we choose to call it, the consequence of the action is the same – the man has been unfaithful to the woman. Notice that though the “temporal perspective” changes the semantics, it doesn’t change the fact that the action is immoral.*

Under this view, pre-marital sexual relations become a form of “pre-marital adultery.” We are, in essence, being unfaithful to the one we will eventually pledge emotional and sexual allegiance. Why then do we not honor this obligation? As with most things in life, what we claim to believe is betrayed by our actions. Although unmarried people often claim to believe that they are waiting for their "true love" their actions show that they don’t really believe that to be true. If they seriously believed that their true love existed then how could they be sexually unfaithful to the one person who God has chosen for them?

ON PARENTING/HOME LIFE:
H. Clay Trumbull, in "Hints on Child Training":

"Every home has its atmosphere, good or bad, health-promoting or disease-breeding. And parents are, in every case, directly responsible for the nature of the atmosphere in their home; whether they have acted in recognition of this fact, or have gone on without a thought of it. In order to secure a right home atmosphere for their children, parents themselves must be right. They must guard against poisoning the air of the home with unloving words or thoughts...

Parents must, as it were, keep their eyes on the barometer and the thermometer of the social life of the home, and see to it that its temperature is safely moderated, and that it is guarded against the effect of sudden storms. Only as such care is taken by wise parents, can the atmosphere in their home be what the needs of their children require it to be."

ON DIFFICULT TIMES/STRUGGLES IN LIFE:
Jeremiah Burroughs, in "The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment":

"We are usually apt to think that any condition is better than that condition in which God has placed us. ...God, it may be, strikes you in your child--'Oh, if it had been in my possessions' you say, 'I would be content.' Perhaps he strikes you in your marriage. 'Oh,' you say, 'I would rather have been stricken in my health.' And if he had struck you in your health- 'Oh, then, if it had been in my [business], I would not have cared.' But we must not be our own carvers. Whatever particular afflictions God may place us in, we must be content in them."

I hope these challenge and encourage you, as they have me. Blessings as you begin this week!

When People "Rub You the Wrong Way"

Did ya ever meet or spend time with someone who makes you feel like THIS?!?


And did that person happen to be a professing Christian, maybe even a part of your church?

Well then, this post is for you!


I was just listening to a sermon from the pastor in the church where I "grew up" spiritually. (Not where I went to church as a kid, but where we started going when I was 15. When Doug & I moved back to that area, we returned to that church... so it's where I've grown up spiritually.) And can I just say here that I LOVE mp3s and downloadable sermons?! Sometime, I'll have to do a post about all the great online resources where you can get spiritual "meat" for FREE!!!

Anyway, back to my pastor. His sermon was all about having patience with people who get under your skin. Particularly, it was about people in the Body of Christ. Those people that go to church with you that drive you bananas every Sunday. The lady in the choir who seems so showy with her expressions and movements. The man who never manages to have a nice word to say to anyone. The lady who gabs and jabs and never talks about anything of significance. The guy who, every Sunday, shakes your hand and occupies your time in a shallow conversation for WAY too long while you could be talking to friends. The lady who looks down her nose at everyone around her and makes you feel inferior and judged. We've all met at least one person in the Body of Christ who makes us feel totally annoyed and/or frustrated.

And to hear my pastor tell it, it's good for us. Colossians 3 talks about how we really live the Christian life... what we're to "take off" (like moral impurity) and what we're to "put on" : compassion, kindness, meekness, humbleness of mind ... and then in verse 12, he mentions "patience".

There are two words for patience that show up in the New Testament:

• The first is for patience under trials... for when you're under a heavy burden. It's a kind of patience driven by hope that God is using this trial to accomplish something, knowing that God will bring me through it on the other side with stronger faith. But this is not the word that is used here.
  
• The second word, which is the one used in this passage, is for patience with people. This passage is all about interacting with other people, so that's not surprising that this would be the word used for patience in this section.

He said it this way:

"Now you see, God has designed our lives in such a way that certain qualities can only be built in our life by having irritating people to come into our life. ... So you're gonna have some irritating people in your life. Sometimes, they'll be in your family. ...Sometimes it'll be somebody you married, and you didn't know how irritating they were when you married 'em. ... So you may find that one of the irritating people with whom you need to have patience is your spouse. It may be your parents; it may be your children. But then, it may be within the body of Christ. And I really believe that's what Paul has in mind here. He's talking about relationships within the body."

Consider how many people love a church until they get to know the people in it. He quoted an old poem,

"To dwell above with those we love,
That will be glory.
But to dwell below with those we know,
Well, that's a different story."

You may not deal with this if you are not interacting deeply with people at church. But when you really dig in and actually get to know people on an authentic level, and when you are vitally plugged in to a local church body, as my pastor said,

"Praise God, YOU will be one of somebody's irritating people. Now I know all of you were thinking, 'well, if I do that, I'm going to come across some irritating people,' and that's true. But you're gonna BE someone's irritating person too."

Offenses are going to come, because:
1- I'm a sinner
2- You're a sinner
3- That is the way that God has designed for growth to come in each of our lives.

He said that the way patience manifests itself is this:

"When I'm around someone that irritates me, how do I have patience with them?"

1- "Remember that God has been patient with you." (Think of all the sinful and silly/stupid things you've done in your life, and yet God has been patient with you and not thrown you away.)
2-"There are always factors that you don't understand in other people's lives." (The person who REALLY drives you crazy "probably has things going on way back in their past that you don't know about... and there may be some factors as recent as 30 minutes ago that you don't know about.")
3- "Remember that you are not the Holy Spirit. There are only THREE seats in the Trinity, and you don't occupy any one of them." The Holy Spirit convicts people. YOUR job is to pray for people and love them... there is a time for admonishing one another with Scripture- but that should be done if you have built a relationship and if you come with a prayerful humble attitude... not with bitterness or frustration in our hearts.)
4- "Remember that God is working in their life." Remember Saul of Tarsus? He started out killing Christians- NOBODY in the church liked him. "Yet God had him as a chosen vessel" to do His work. So when somebody is just irritating the tar out of you, just think, you know, God might marvelously use them. He is at work in their life!

He ended with this... it is nearly impossible for GOOD to come out of someone telling someone else off. But there may be times when, with relationship and love intact, a scriptural admonishment (using the Word of God to share truth in love) may be in order. But, he warns us with a couple final thoughts:

"Be careful about giving someone a piece of your mind
...you might not have that much to spare!"

- Be biblical, not emotional. -
- You're not responsible for THEIR choices. -
- You ARE responsible for YOUR choices. -

I hope this encourages and challenges you as it did me. Anything you'd like to share or add?

INSIDE LOOK: The Burdens and Blessings of Singleness

My long-time friend Kim, who helped me plan my announcement for my second pregnancy, and has virtually walked alongside me through MANY life changes, is a single 27-year-old woman. (I say virtually because we literally met online and have not -yet- met in person.) We have talked before, and I've read her writings, about the journey of a single woman who deeply desires to be married.

I invited Kim to write this month's firsthand account on the "first" of November, for Making Home's monthly "Inside Look" feature. Here's what she wanted to share with us:

I am actually a little proud of myself.

When Jess asked me about doing a guest blog entry on Making Home, I thought I would be able to write a deep, philosophical, heart wrenching article that would make all of you want to set me up on a date, because how can a creature so wonderful still be single? (I use sarcasm as a crutch. Embrace it. And oh - I will still take those dates, thanks.) But as I was looking back through my own blog for inspiration, I found an entry that kind of struck me, and I wanted to share:

I am TIRED of living out this reality - it feels like it is parallel to the one I think I should be living. I want to be married, working a regular old 9-5 job in an office, or more importantly, staying home with my kids. I want to be able to stay in Louisville and eat dinner with my family on Wednesday nights and go to church at the church where I grew up, and go on double dates with my brother and sister-in-law, and raise my kids with their cousins. But guess what? I can't have that life.

Now, I didn’t go out and get a husband and I have not had any children since June. But you know what I did? I made a choice that God gave me to make, and I am getting part of my dream - I moved home, and I am eating dinner with my family on Wednesday nights.

The above paragraph, however, also does illustrate what it is like, living a life that is a complete and total opposite from what you thought you’d do. I mean - in high school, I had it all planned out - married right out of college, three kids (one girl, two boys), and I’d stay home. We would travel and raise our kids in church and we’d spend the rest of our lives growing old together. (We being me and high school boyfriend. Just FYI.) In reality, I’ve struggled with having a broken heart and a relationship that was outside of God’s design. I’ve struggled with years of singleness when all my heart’s desire was to be married. I have struggled with being a bridesmaid in six (SIX! Twice I was the Maid of Honor) of my friends’ weddings, and being at the hospital through several births. Many of my friends are at least on their second child, or trying to be, by now. And while I most certainly celebrate with those friends and try to rejoice with those who rejoice, and while I would never wish that my friends did not have their husbands or children - I just wish I had that too.

I don’t think people who are on the other side realize what it’s like for those of us behind the fence. Perhaps that’s not fair, but that’s how it feels to be there. It’s like waiting for a plane to vacation, where everyone else is, and not knowing when the plane is going to arrive, or if it is. And yet you keep getting reports of how great it is to be on that vacation, and that when you get there, the wait is worth it. And you believe the people - you believe that it will be so amazing to be on this vacation, but you really doubt that you’re going to end up on the vacation, or worse yet, you fear everyone else will be done with vacation by the time you get there…

There are definitely blessings on this side of the journey, lest I lead you to believe otherwise. The biggest blessing is getting to be there for my niece and nephew, and getting to love on them and spoil them and watch them grow. I know that if I had my own children, my focus would be on them, and so for this time, I am very, very thankful. I can’t imagine loving any other kids more than I love those two! I am also thankful for the time to be under the teaching and example of some very wise, God-fearing women, and learning different approaches to being a godly wife and mother. I hope someday I can put them into practice.

I think perhaps the worst thing about being single, and perhaps the thing I want Jess’s readers to take away from this, is the exclusion factor. Not being a wife and not being a mother excludes me from really understanding the life of about 90 percent of my closest friends. (I have one single girlfriend over the age of 20. ONE. And she’s 30, and in the same boat I am in.) I know a lot about birth and pregnancy, mainly because of my own curiosity and study, and I know a lot about weddings, having helped plan or participated in so many. But of course, I don’t really know. I don’t really know what it’s like to join my life with someone else’s, for the purpose of bringing glory to the Lord and bringing up godly children.

That said - the exclusion makes a girl feel inadequate. Sure, those are often the core issues of womanhood, and I am so thankful for that! But just because I haven’t been there doesn’t mean I don’t want to understand. So when you come upon a single woman, especially one who is a little older, desires marriage and kids, and is biding her time - please take her under your wing. Take the time to teach her about wifehood and motherhood. Let her get to know and love your children. Include her in groups with other married women/mothers. It’s so important to a woman to know that she is still “valid” as a woman, and still has important things to contribute and to learn, even though she has not yet arrived. I am so thankful for my sweet friend and mentor, Amy, who is so gracious in allowing me to learn from her!

Another thing I would suggest to do if you have single women in your life is to pray with them and for them. Pray for them that God would strengthen their faith in this time of uncertainty, that He would give them grace to face situations that are sure to be emotionally challenging, and that He would reshape the desires of their heart, if that is His will. Also pray for them that God will provide for them a godly, loving, and kind husband in His perfect timing (but it is okay to pray that God’s timing is quick!). Pray with them for difficulties they are facing and for emotional challenges. Pray with them that they would not be idle and sad, but that they would use this time to work hard for the Kingdom!

Finally - a very important thing is to be sensitive. Obviously you cannot shield any single friends you might have from heartache - but know that heartache is often an underlying constant in her life. Feel free to ask if she’s okay. Know that she’s heard all the typical lines before, and know that she sometimes does need reminders! Know that sometimes, it’s hard. All of it. Just love her anyway, and know she doesn’t mean to be a grump.

I hope, for those of you who are married and/or do have children, that this gives a little insight into the life of at least one woman who is sad she’s not. I definitely don’t speak for every single woman - there are many out there more godly than me! - but I do know that some of these feelings are common. And I am so thankful that I have women in my life like Jess who want to understand. When I sit and really think about my life, I am indeed pretty blessed.

Kim's online "home" is her blog, Strange Kind of Single. I'm so thankful to call her my friend, and to have the opportunity to learn from her.

I hope that you, if you are a married woman, also learned some ways that you can encourage and be a friend to the single woman around you. As always, any thoughts or comments you'd like to share on this issue would be welcome!

Making Hospitality Easier

The mere idea of "hospitality" can make us feel overwhelmed, but it doesn't have to be that way. A little bit of planning and a flexible, laid-back attitude makes entertaining a LOT more fun.

PLANNING: Select and cook meals that are meals geared towards groups.
One mistake I made the first few years of our marriage, when having guests over, was that I tried to cook with each individual in mind (thinking "two pork chops per adult, one pork chop per child" or whatever).

One thing I learned when we lived in China was to make several different dishes and cook for the group. For example, in American-meal terms, this might look like a chicken casserole, with garlic green beans, a salad with optional dressings and a french bread loaf. (For some of you, this all may be obvious, but for me this was insightful.) Chinese meals are designed in such a way that if someone eats more than others, it's no big deal. If an unexpected friend drops by and you want them to join you, it's no problem. But if we have pre-proportioned out how many chicken fillets we'll need for the night, then this sort of openness towards variances in a get-together is much more difficult. So instead of thinking "individual portions", I now think in terms of "group cooking" when hosting friends in our home.

PLANNING: Prepare in advance by compiling a couple of tried-and-true menus for hosting guests.
It can be overwhelming to just "come up" with an appetizing meal on the spur of the moment, particularly when that might involve several different "courses" and trying to think of something appealing to kids AND adults, and something that will feed an entire group without breaking the bank. Something that helps is to compile a list of several stress-free meals that are good, dependable meals to serve to guests. (It's not usually a good idea to try brand new recipes out on a night when you're having guests!) Here are a few ideas you might not have come across:

• Mom's No-Peek Chicken: Utterly delicious and easy group meal; this was my favorite meal growing up, and it's now a family favorite around here.
  
• Cheesy Chicken Soup: Another great main dish, it's great for cold Fall and Winter nights. Serve with lots of bread!
• Avocado Dressing: VERY delicious salad dressing... toss with a large bowl of salad
• Gooey Bar: A wonderfully tasty dessert

If you plan out things in advance and have a few well-tested recipes, having friends over won't be near as big a burden, and you'll be able to enjoy the experience much more.

FLEXIBILITY: Don't put the pressure on yourself to have everything perfect.
No one (except maybe the White House) actually has a perfect home, 100% clean and tidy at every moment with flawless meals served in pristine and completely matching dishes. It's OK. Don't strive for perfection- it's unattainable. Instead, focus your energy on having a pleasant attitude and a warm, comfortable spirit in your home. THAT is what your guests will remember most of all... "I really felt welcome and at ease in their home tonight."

It can be fun to serve a delicious meal and have people "ooh" and "aah" over a scrumptious dessert, but what is much more rewarding is to have had another family or several families over and have actually enjoyed the evening. If you can do both, GREAT. But if one has to go, skip the difficult, laborious dessert and enjoy the night with your friends. It's not worth it to stress yourself out over a meal but then not be able to relax. Give yourself the "freedom" to use mis-matched serving bowls, or to have a basic side-dish that's not "gourmet"... enjoy the nights when you have guests over, and you'll begin to find that you're much more willing to extend hospitality more frequently.

PLUS, HOSPITALITY IS BIBLICAL!
One of the hallmarks of the early church was that they shared meals, and they often spent time in each other's homes (see Acts 2 & beyond). Fellowship is a big part of being part of the Body of Christ... and opening up our homes to others enables us to open up our lives to them as well. So for my part, I don't want to stress myself out when trying to live out this aspect of Body life as a believer. I want to enjoy my role as a hostess in our home, and these things help me to have people over to our home with much less stress and much GREATER joy.

Hopefully some of these ideas will help you to live out the scriptural ideas of being hospitable and serving others with joy.

Show and Tell: Unpacking Some O' the Things On My Mind

HOUSEWIFERY & BIBLICAL WOMANHOOD:

• VINEGAR!!! I have been adding in a little vinegar to each load of whites I do, and I am really astounded at how much the "gray" that can sometimes set in (particularly to underwear/bra stitching and the like) just comes right out with a little vinegar added to the wash! Here's a link to a great article about many uses for vinegar: I Heart Vinegar.
  
• Encouragement for any wife or mom: HE SEES.
• STUFF! Overwhelmed with an abundance of knick-knacks, junk, toys, and boxes of who-knows-what? Pop over to Sara's place to get motivated to deal with your stuff!
• What Does the Bible Say About Modesty? An interesting look at the modest heart, by Min The Gap.
  

PARENTING:

• Let me share with you a post full with WISE thoughts on biblical parenting in an age of pop-child-psychology and worldly parenting methodologies. My friend has been burdened by an increase in the use of labels and medication when dealing with good old-fashioned sinful problems in children. I think her post is dead-on, and we Christian parents need more of this truth in our hearts and minds.
• Family Scripture Memorization: (I got this link from another blog, so you may have already seen it, but I just wanted to encourage you to begin doing this as a family.) Take less than 5 minutes a day and read through a passage together, memorizing it one line at a time. Over the course of a month (easy, possibly less), that passage will be written on the hearts and minds of your family. We have begun memorizing Psalm 1 together as a family, and my heart has already been encouraged by the questions and conversations it has spurred on.
• The Contempt Shown to Parents of Large Families- Until we told people that we were expecting our third baby (two years ago), I hadn't experienced this level of interpersonal rudeness over any issue in my life. Now that I'm pregnant again, some of the responses have convinced me all the more that this article is often, sadly, true. Should God give us another child at some point in the future, I find myself wanting to wait to tell certain people about it until we call them from the hospital when he/she is born. And sadly, that's not a joke; I'm entirely serious.
• Having griped about the negative response we sometimes get about the size of our "brood", let me echo Amy's words, celebrating God's faithfulness, in her series, "LIFE WITH THREE UNDER THREE".
  
• For those of you who have asked, I found a website for analyzing your children's MBTI personality types. It helps narrow down the options and is less specific for younger children (since, as I mentioned, it is much more difficult to "type" a young child).
• Radical environmentalism at its worst: saving the earth from children? How about instead being a steward of the earth FOR our children?!
• I'd never heard of this woman or this song until I visited this site... and no, I'm not typically a fan of country music, but this song is EXTREMELY touching and speaks volumes about the value of each precious child, in a very poignant way.
• A mom of seven offers a challenge for birth control proponents: What good thing on the planet is purposely prevented? (An interesting question and discussion... you can read my comments and conversation with the author if you scroll down). I've always thought this is a good question in general to make people think about how they view children.
  
• Okay, now for a little levity: (warning, not for young readers or for old readers who may be offended by a little language)- I can't vouch for the entire site, but this woman is hilarious in her no-holds-barred critiques of baby names!
  

COOKING:

• Musings of a Housewife has shared a PB CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE recipe
• EmmyJMommy shared four of her favorite, delicious recipes (the BREAKFAST PIE & CHICKEN CORN CHOWDER sound particularly good!)
• Tamara (of "Of Noble Character"- which she has- I can vouch for her!) offered up a scrumptious-sounding recipe for Zucchini Bread.
• M4-D Ranch Recipes: This woman has got a wide variety of recipes that sound absolutely delicious!
• A simple pasta sauce recipe to use up extra tomatoes!
  
• Looking for some new recipes or new ideas to add to your weekly menu? Here's a great website that tells you the recipe, what to shop for, all the options you can add in to each meal/recipe, and is FREE: Menus4Moms

ODDS AND ENDS:

• Alex & Brett Harris, those guys who started the Rebelution, have joined the ever-growing camp of Huckabee supporters. CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO they put together of Huckabee's message, from debates, interviews, and speeches. It's the best I've seen.
• HIJACKERS! Post hijackers, that is! Read it and see if you are one! :)
• To spew or not to spew? Everyday Mommy suggests that humorous bloggers should use a little icon to warn readers that they may not want to drink beverages while reading their posts. I second this motion! If your post is going to be hilarious, give us a little warning: PUT DOWN THE DRINKS! (And you know who you are, dcrmom!)
• Why is Hollywood Afraid of Abortions? by Al Mohler
  
• Here's an interesting article about friendships among women. A quote from one of my favorite authors is included in this article: "C.S. Lewis says that we know we've made a friend when we can say to the other, 'What, you too?' "

Lots of links here... I hope you find some good reading among all these random thoughts/links unpacked from my brain!

Friendships of Women, Part 4- Transparency is Vital

This post will seem obvious to some people. And to others, it will seem completely foreign, like learning a new language. Perhaps some might even see this as a fearful thing to be avoided. But I feel compelled to share this: I believe that transparency is vital for a friendship to grow beyond surface-level interactions.

LET HER SEE THE REAL YOU
If we are going to have authentic friendships, others have to know us. We have to open up; we must let others see us for who we really are. Without pride and pretense, but without false humility either. Others won't be able to speak into our lives if they don't know where we are, nor will there every be anything beyond shallow conversation if they don't know about the things that make our hearts soar. Basically, we will not have any genuine friends if we don't let the door of our hearts open up to allow others inside.

It can be a difficult thing, yes. It requires risk, yes. It may even mean rejection, yes. At times, we will have to be very wise and use discretion as to who we share our hearts with. But the rewards infinitely outweigh the risks. Opening up to others not only ministers to you- but it will minister to them.

Now I'm not talking about telling your deepest, darkest secrets to a lady you've just met at a luncheon. But I AM saying that when we are in a friendship and the opportunity comes to share, then more often than not, we will be blessed if we opt to share transparently with the other woman. Yes, there are gossips who will nibble up morsels and tidbits and consume our lives as they would a romance novel, but that concern is really addressed in the initial discussion of how to choose a godly friend.

LIVING LIFE AS AN OPEN BOOK
Honestly, I find that my life is more effectively used by God in the lives of others, and that my friendships have grown deeper when I treat my life as an open book. I hate having secrets or trying to remember who knows what. It is just easier for me to love others and minister to others if I am open about my own life- the good, the bad, and the ugly things that have happened to me, that I have done to others, and that have been part of the shaping of who I am today.

That's not to say that I go around blabbing my most personal and intimate details to any stranger on the street, but I am not going to keep a closet full of hidden away facts about myself. Instead, I'm going to try to shed the light of Christ into every area of my life, confess those things that are unattractive and ugly, and share my story--even my failures and hurts-- with anyone I can, in hopes that God can use my good, bad, and ugly to encourage others towards Himself.

MAKING MY WHOLE LIFE AVAILABLE FOR HIS USE
I want my whole life to count for Him- and I want to have friendships with all kinds of women that will draw more and more women deeper and deeper in their relationship with Jesus. If it takes me being open about my life in order to help others walk more closely with Him, then YES- it is ABSOLUTELY worth the risk, the potential rejection, the possible shame, and anything else the enemy might try to use against me as a result of my openness.

Here's what I'm trying to get at: THIS is your real life. Your past, present, and future all make up the story He's weaving in your life... there's no re-do. This is the one crack you get at this thing called life. Whether it's ugly or painful, boring, or embarrassing, it's your story. And the same goes for my life - THIS is my real life... so, for my part, I want Him to be glorified from all of it. I want every single drop of my life to be squeezed out and used for His potential glory. I want even the pain and shame of my past to encourage my friends and the women I know towards godliness.

We all like to be around someone who is REAL- who has flaws and isn't afraid to admit it, but who is fully and intentionally running after God. I want to be that kind of woman, so that I can be useful, so that I might have deep friendships, and ultimately, so that my life will glorify the God Who made me. And I want to encourage you to be that kind of woman, too.

To read more of the "Friendships of Women" series, click below:
PART ONE- Beginning a Friendship
PART TWO- Learn From One Another
PART THREE- Be the Kind of Friend You Want

Friendships of Women, Part 3- Be the Kind of Friend You Want

Before we move on into other areas, I wanted to encourage you that one way to make friends is to be friendly. By that, I don't just mean "be extroverted" or some such thing. What I mean is to be the kind of person who you would want as a friend. Some general Do's and Don't's... feel free to add on in the comments.

DO:
- Listen
- Empathize
- Weep with those who weep
- Rejoice with those who rejoice
- Speak the truth in love
- Be transparent
- Share your successes and struggles
- Be genuine
- Live in the now
- Be humble and willing to admit wrong
- Encourage and exhort straight from the Word of God
- Work to make others feel at ease
- Be quick to pray for others

DON'T:
- Hog the conversation
- Be critical or impossible to please
- Gossip (if you'll do it with her, she figures, you'll do it to her... no one can trust a gossip!)
- Minimize her problems
- Expect her to listen to your problems when you're too busy or unconcerned to listen to hers
- Overinflate the importance of things that are actually side issues (i.e., the biblicality of breastfeeding, debating whether the husband or wife should oversee bill paying; See Romans 14 for freedom as believers)
- Be so wrapped up in the past or the future that you miss out on the present
- Be a pushover or a follower
- Give human advice from self-help books
- Inflate your successes but ignore your struggles
- Inflate your struggles but ignore your successes
- Get your feelings hurt easily
- Be too proud to say, "I'm sorry"


These are things that ALL of us can work on... considering others before yourself can mean all of the things on this list, and more. I'm sure you have more of these, born from your own experiences... so please feel free to add on your own thoughts for being a good friend in the comments (be sure to specify whether it's a do or a don't!).




p.s.- Don't y'all just LOVE that photo?! It makes me smile and want that kind of close friendship as an elderly woman!

To read more of the "Friendships of Women" series, click below:
PART ONE- Beginning a Friendship
PART TWO- Learn From One Another
PART FOUR- Transparency is Vital

Friendships of Women, Part 2- Learn From One Another

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." -Proverbs 27:17

To me, the sharpening process-- growing and learning together --is one of the most exciting aspects of friendship. We all need to be challenged. It is easy to have friends that will let us go on in our selfish, sinful ways. But finding a friend who will sharpen you- who will challenge you to become more than you are- and who will grow along side you... that is much more difficult to find.

In the last post in this series, we talked about how to find a friend. Today, we'll talk about selecting a friend you can learn from.

DON'T PICK SOMEONE WHO'S JUST LIKE YOU
Find a woman who challenges you- someone who sees things a little differently than you do. Perhaps she has a child with a disability, or maybe she's dealt with years of infertility. Perhaps she is caring for an aging parent or grandparent, or maybe her husband is serving in the military. Don't look for a woman who shops at all the same places, wears all the same things, or decorates her house the same way you do. Look for someone who does things slightly different from the people around her. Maybe she homeschools, maybe she recycles, maybe she volunteers somewhere... whatever the case, look for a godly woman who makes you think "outside the box".

GLEAN ALL YOU CAN FROM HER
No one woman can teach every bit of biblical knowledge, every admirable character quality, or every skill. But every woman who is seeking to grow in Christ can teach you something.

If she never had children, she may not be able to share with you how to raise children... or if she doesn't have a tidy house, housekeeping may not be the thing to "glean" from her, but take time to learn the things from her that she CAN teach you. If she's seeking the Lord and has some life experience, then there are undoubtedly things she can teach you- even if she doesn't realize it, so glean all you can from this woman. Sit at her feet (figuratively, but maybe even literally) and let her share with you.

For me, it is helpful to find a friend that's in a different stage of life than you are - if you have preschool kids like I do right now, that would mean either someone without kids, or maybe a new mom with one baby, a mom of teenagers or a woman who already has an empty nest... it seems that it makes getting together easier when you're not both dealing with the same things all at once. Another reason this is important to me is so that I don't fall into the grade-school mentality: that everyone I hang out with has to be just like me. It is important that we broaden our acquaintances to include women from the whole body of Christ and not just that little sliver of a cross-section that looks just like we do.

BE AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO HER AS WELL
I would challenge you to look around you and begin asking the Lord to show you a godly woman who is admirable, someone from whom you can learn-- a woman who will challenge you, and a woman to whom you can be an encouragement. Begin looking for her and once you find her, be willing to ask questions, get to know her, and sit at her feet and glean all you can. Not only will you be learning, but you'll be edifying and encouraging her by letting her know that you find her interesting and wise.

As your friendship grows, go out of your way to love and encourage her in meaningful ways. Perhaps she's a young mom who has just started nursing a baby- could you bring her a box of nursing pads and a good book to read while she's nursing? Or perhaps she's lonely and you could get your husband to watch all the kids while you take time to go out to dinner with her? Try to look for ways to give back meaningfully to her as well.

"Let me sum up"- Inigo Montoya (can you tell I've watched Princess Bride lately?)
Let us be women who learn from one another's mistakes and successes... I don't want to have to learn the same lessons that the women around me have already learned (if I can help it)! I'd rather hear their stories, listen to their parenting ideas, hear about the things that work in their marriages and then implement all those things into my own life rather than trial and error from the Christian-self-help-book-o-the-month.

I want to challenge other women and be challenged by other women. To do that, I have to step outside of my natural, comfortable instincts (of only seeking out people that act like me, look like me, talk like me, and walk like me) and instead seek out women who will make me consider new perspectives, learn new things, and become a more wholly consistent person, as I am challenged to think about what I believe and why.

Questions? Thoughts?

To read more of the Friendships of Women series, click below:
PART ONE- Beginning a Friendship
PART THREE- Be the Kind of Friend You Want
PART FOUR- Transparency is Vital

Friendships of Women, Part 1- Beginning a Friendship

I have encountered several women lately who feel lonely and friendless and were not taught how to "do" friendship with other women... they don't know what a good, deep friendship feels like, don't know what it looks like, and aren't sure it's worth the risk of being hurt or rejected to take the time and energy to be transparent with a woman friend.

So, I'm starting a series today about the friendships of women. It's something I've been reading about over the last several months, and something I myself have learned how to do incrementally. I hope it will be a blessing to you.

Today, we'll address the question: how do I start a friendship with another woman? As time goes on, we'll address how to select women friends, what genuine friendship looks like, how to maintain friendships, the seasons of friendship and various kinds of friendships that happen among women. I'd LOVE to have your input, stories, and insights on these things, so please join me as we discuss the friendships of women.


PART ONE: HOW DO I START A FRIENDSHIP?
If you are a woman who is like the one I described above, perhaps feeling lonely or like the last girl picked for the kickball team, I want to encourage you. You CAN have close women friends, if you want them. Perhaps you just need a faithful friend, one who will stick by you through thick and thin, like Ruth was for Naomi. Or maybe you need a friend who will rejoice with you when everyone else is judging or pessimistic, just like Elizabeth was for Mary. Could be that you've been burned by friends in the past and aren't sure whether anyone else is worth the effort. Whatever the case, I'd like to encourage you to step out and befriend another woman. In all likelihood, that other woman is probably hurting and unsure and needs encouragement, in the same way you do. Here's where I'd start:

FIND ONE ADMIRABLE WOMAN
Look around you at church, at homeschool groups, in your community, in your neighborhood and see if there's one woman who's ahead of you on the road you're on, even if she's only ahead of you in one area, and see if you could begin spending regular time with her.

For example, if you are a quilter, find someone who is an excellent quilter and is an empty nester. Ask her if she'd be willing to come over during the kids' quiet afternoon reading times/naptimes for littles and teach you a few things, or if you guys could just quilt alongside each other. If you like to think through new theories and learn about new things, look around your church and find a woman who thinks deeply... a woman who reads challenging books... and then ask her to come over one morning while the kids play in the backyard, so she can share with you what she's learning in her most recent book.

If you're a homeschooler, find someone in your area who has done that well, and invite her to come and mentor you about better ways of getting things done. Or perhaps there's a woman who has a really strong marriage, or has endured much tragedy in her life. Invite her over for lunch and to stay for conversation while the kids take a nap.

TAKE THE FIRST STEP
Sometimes you have to "put it all on the line" so to speak, and just ASK. People may not know you need a friend, and they're busy going through their lives at the same time you are. They may assume you have friends in your neighborhood, or friends through your husband's work, or friends from high school/college, or friends in your homeschooling circle, or friends through ________, and not even realize that you need a friend too (even if they're lonely and needing a friend as well)!!!

This is the way that I have made most of my best friends... by putting my fears and insecurities on the line and just making time to get to know another woman. Basically, it's Titus 2-ing but I don't expect to learn EVERYTHING Titus 2 talks about from one woman (although there IS one particularly good friend in my life that has taught me many major things in life)... but if I can learn about personality theories from one friend, about creativity with children from another friend, and learn grace and kindness from another friend, and hospitality from another one, and cross-cultural things from another one, well then pretty soon, I've not only learned a bunch of new things (from people who are good at those things), but I've also made a bunch of great friends.

DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF TO ONE, BUT START WITH ONE
For me, it all started out with one. I now have many friends with whom I share what I would call a deep friendship, with whom I can talk openly and transparently, feel at ease to "be myself" and not feel judged, and can share just about anything. But it all started with one friend like I'm describing... taking time to get to know each other. Intentionally opening up, bit by bit... and it didn't happen overnight.

But if you start with one, then soon you'll be better at being a friend and making a friend. Once you have a friend who shows you how to quilt, then you may realize that you'd like to have a friend who can help you to have a better marriage, or how to be more patient or creative with your children. The sky's the limit on what you can learn from other women! But you've gotta take the first step and start with one!

******************************

It has been such a blessing in my life to have women to learn from, grow with, be taught by, and teach. I love the women that I have shared my heart with, and know that I am loved in return.

It would be my prayer for you that you will have deep, loving friendships with other women in your life as well. That God will give you at least one other woman with whom you can tear down your walls and just be yourself. That He will bless you with a Sister who will come alongside you and share your burdens on the road of life. I hope this encourages you to think through the friendships and the depth of the friendships that you have; I'd love to hear any thoughts or stories on this topic!

CLICK HERE to read Part 2 of the Friendships of Women series.

Show & Tell: Dealing With Difficult People

Normally, I don't do back-to-back show and tells... but this is my blog, and I have something else to bring to Show & Tell this week! :) You may have already figured it out, but Show & Tells are my method of compiling interesting links for whatever topic is on my mind at a given time. Hope they're helpful for you, too.

After feeling deflated today, having been around a very discouraging person, I began looking into this topic of dealing with difficult people. In researching, I came across many various ideas and methods for different kinds of difficult people you may encounter:

• "DIFFICULT PEOPLE ARE GOD'S GRINDSTONES": This blogger, Seth, offers an interesting point of view that we don't really want to think about when we're facing difficult people... namely, that God has them in our lives for a reason. Could be that I need to learn patience, self-control, gentleness... (hmmm... I seem to remember a list that goes something like that... ) and that this difficult person is God's gift to me so that I might learn that lesson through my interactions with her.

• HANDLING & HELPING A DIFFICULT PERSON IN A GROUP: This is an account -by NavPress- of how a small group leader & his wife helped one difficult person who continually caused problems in their class. While acknowledging that this is not a cure-all, these were their steps for loving, helping, and holding accountable a woman they call "Liz":

Assign a personal discipler

Set clearly understood limits and consequences.

Make the person responsible for her actions.

Expect change.

• TIPS FOR HANDLING TROUBLEMAKERS: Rick Warren has nicknamed several varieties of difficult people: The Sherman Tank, The Nit Picker, The Bubble Buster, The Volcano, and others... and suggests these steps for responding biblically to difficult people:

Realize you can't please everyone-- even Jesus couldn't!

Refuse to play games-- lovingly speak the truth.

Never retaliate.

Pray for them.

• This article examines how the apostle Paul dealt with difficult people. I wish I could copy & paste part of the last point for you, but the website expressly forbids partial copying. Please- go to the site, and scroll down nearly to the bottom and read the last section. The author offers excellent advice on how to examine yourself and be above reproach in dealing with difficult people.
  

• Last, but certainly not least, I want to point you to three excellent articles that all come from a website called "Conquerors in Christ".

1. DO YOU CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK? Here, he deals with how to respond to unfair criticism, or when others see us in a negative light.
2. DON'T GET ENTANGLED IN THE ROPES OF REVENGE. When I know God and put my trust in Him, I will feel less "need" to respond when people hurt me, knowing that God "has my back".
3. REMOVING YOURSELF FROM THOSE WHO SOW STRIFE: When we've done all we can do, is it biblical or right to withdraw from a relationship?
   

As always, please don't take these links to mean that I agree with everything posted on every site referenced. I just thought the included links would be good food for thought for anyone dealing with difficult people.

And finally, one final word --from the source that is perfect & without fault-- to encourage all of us: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." (Romans 12:18) Many blessings & HAPPY READING!!!