Me, Myself & I vs. Community

Months ago, I came across two posts from two different ladies examining the idea of Christian community:

• From Hearth (Be sure to read the comments; the discussion is thought-provoking.)
• From Elizabeth "Do you have community?"

ON THE FRINGE
Each pushed a button my mind and I found my thoughts centering around the idea that I've always been a gal on the fringe.

I think back to middle & high school, always feeling on the fringe... not fully a part of the band crowd or the smart kids, neither the Valedictorian nor the full-on rebel. College brought more of the same. I counted the hippie poets, preppy sorority girls, expressive music majors, and ambitious political sorts among my friends.

Adult life has brought more of the same.

At no point in my life have I had a female "bestie" with whom every moment was shared. My husband truly is my best friend and I am blessed in that.

But I am friends with the senior crowd (and by that I mean, the people with gray hair, not the ones getting Senior photos & prepping for graduation), with the 50-something nursery workers, with the 20-somethings following God while traversing the world, and yes, with some 30-somethings who have kids roughly my kids' ages.

FRIENDSHIP, WHEREVER IT COMES
For my part, as a woman with so many "weird" things about me, I have long had the approach of taking friendship wherever it comes. 

There is no one for whom everything about life is going to line up. Even if I found another Jesus-following large family mom who attended public school but now homeschools who doesn't think homeschooling = salvation who has chickens and has lived a significant portion of her life abroad who has mostly boys who writes books and believes in firm discipline AND great affection with her children who is naturally messy and only occasionally musters the energy to care about aesthetics, you know what? Those are just externals. In some other way, that friend would disappoint me, and I, her.

And ultimately, my hope can't be found in finding a set of friends whose externals (or internals) match mine. My hope can only be in Christ. Then I am free to find friendship (and be truly thankful for it!) in whatever form God gives it.


One final thought:

NEVER ALONE

Waterdeep is one of my long-standing favorite bands. Years ago, they released a song that simply said this:

Though I feel alone

I am never alone 

You are with me

Oh, my Lord

(vs.1) In the nighttime while I'm on my bed,

I will let every thought be of You

For You are good

You take all those who will come to You

(vs.2) In the morning as I face the day

I will let every thought be of You

For You are good

You take all those who will come to You

Unforgiveness & How Soon You Wash the Dish

Dishes get dirty.

Some meals (say, a ham sandwich with some Lays and an apple) leave almost no crumbs. But while we eat meals like that from time to time, we also all eat meals (say, spaghetti & meatballs with salad & dressing, or oatmeal with brown sugar and drizzled maple syrup) where our dish ends up dirty.

Relationships, especially everyday relationships, are like that dish.

Day in, day out, week in, week out, getting used.

Sometimes that dish can be brushed right off. It was used, but if you look at it, you can hardly tell. But in any dish that's really being USED, the time comes that you're going to have to wash it. The mess is ugly, and everyone looking on knows it.

Every dish gets that way from time to time.

Every relationship gets that way too.

FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is when the dish is made clean. The old has gone, and the mess is no longer where the focus is.

Dishes weren't made to be relics that show just how dirty they once got. Relationships aren't made to be relics that tell the story of just how sinful he was, just how sinful she was, just how sinful I was, just how sinful you were.

Dishes are made to serve up meals that enable growth. Relationships are also made for growth... to fortify and strengthen us, to sharpen and shape us, to nourish and encourage us for the journey, and biblically, to propel us Godward.

WASH THE DISH
Dishes are much easier to wash when the mess is freshly made.

And I think forgiveness can be like that too.

When Doug & I argue, there may be a short time where we need to breathe deeply and remind ourselves to let love carry the day, but we forgive before the night is out, and we keep accounts short. It's easier to wash the dish right away than to let it sit and harden.

The mess is easier to clean up when it's not also hardened and stinky and germ-infested.

UNFORGIVENESS
Unforgiveness is like using your bowl for oatmeal and setting it on the counter. There's a mess in there and you know it. It's hardening by the minute.

UNFORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE/OTHER DAILY RELATIONSHIPS
The problem is that that relationship still exists and needs to be used. So you pick it back up but- "UGH! There's a mess in there. I hate this bowl. I hate this stench."- but you go on and pour your cornflakes because you need to eat. Pretty soon that same bowl is back in that same spot but now there's some bits of cornflake stuck on there too. Hardening.

Before long it's time to eat some soup and so you- "gulp"- get over your grossed-out-ness and grab the bowl. Now you're sucking down mold and bits of whatever that was from a few breakfasts ago, everytime you eat.

Unforgiveness does that to us.

We keep choking on the thing that hurt us ages ago because we didn't deal with it rightly. We didn't work through it. We didn't choose love in action. We didn't choose to walk in health and peace and biblical reconciliation. And so we keep choking and hurting and being grossed out and angry by the thing that ultimately, we should have dealt with through forgiveness.

WHAT ABOUT IF I HAVEN'T WASHED THE DISH RIGHT AWAY?
Well, we all have done this (at least a little bit) in real life, haven't we? Dishes can get nasty dirty and the food seems utterly cemented on... while it appears impossible and we could kill ourselves trying to scrape that dadgum 3-day-old-spaghetti sauce OFF the plate, that's not ultimately the answer. No.

What has to happen? The dish needs to soak and soften.

We can be that way too-- we can scrape and work and weary ourselves trying to drum up some kind of human forgiveness, or we can stop. We can soak ourselves, washing ourselves in the water of the Word, ruminating around in the messages of our Lord-- "forgive us as we forgive those who have sinned against us," (which means according to the same measure that we forgive) "forgive from your heart," "be reconciled" -- reminding ourselves of the great forgiveness we ourselves have received.

This. THIS is what changes our hearts and makes us forgivers.

WHAT KIND OF HABIT WILL YOU HAVE?
Let me encourage you, and let me challenge myself... make it a habit to "wash your dishes" soon after they get "dirty." It's so much easier that way. It truly is EASIER. Forgive your husband. Forgive your mother-in-law. Forgive the friend that hurt you. Forgive your sister or brother.

Forgive. 

Today is a new day for each of us. Be-- become-- a person known for forgiving.

Finding a Mentor?

As "younger women" like Titus 2 talks about, how do we go about finding a mentor-- an "older woman"?

Here are some places I've found them:

• In my local church
• From neighbors & friends in community
• Through books & biblical teachings
• Over the internet

But I think one thing that can trip us up is if we are only open to learning one particular thing at a particular time.  When I think back about the women I've learned from, most of the mentors of my life have not come *at the time that I felt like I needed* to learn that particular thing.

Instead, I have looked for women who do anything well... some are lifelong learners and have some interesting topics/subjects to teach me about (for example, one friend is really into personality theory --like MBTI-- and so I borrowed the best books she had on the subject and she explained to me how to apply those things in real life), so I learn things like that from certain friends.

While single and still in high school & college, I babysat for three different families, and I noticed that they raised their children thoughtfully & intentionally.  So I learned things about that from them even though I wasn't remotely near having children.

Some women I'm watching now have challenging/difficult marriages but persevere through them and I try to learn that even though I'm quite content & delighted in our marriage.   Another woman I've learned from lately is really faithful at Bible study and teaching and so I've been intentionally spending time to learn that from her.  A different woman I used to spend regular time with has an immaculate kitchen (despite having 4 busy children spread over 15 years) and is also an excellent cook.   I learned a lot just by watching her about food prep & keeping a kitchen tidier than I'd previously thought possible (not that I do that super-well now, but I do it better than I would've if I was only paying attention to try to learn one particular topic to learn from her and missed the things she did well).

If I purposed to only learn the one or two things I felt like I needed at a particular time in life, I might have missed learning from any of these women.  Instead, I try to focus on what other women do *WELL* and try to learn that, regardless of whether I think that's the particular thing I "need" at that moment in life.  

Look at what things a woman does "excellently" and seek to learn from her.  If we do that, I think regardless of our context (even difficult ones: overseas, with few friends/connections; in a small country church with few friends; in transition with no long-time friends, etc.), we can find a plethora of mentors even if it's not necessarily in the area where we ourselves are struggling.



Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Seeking Wise Counsel

There are some things Doug and I aren't great at, or have flubbed over the years. We're lousy at keeping our master bedroom clean, and we have made some short-sighted financial decisions that cost us more than a pretty penny.

But one thing we've (in my opinion) done well over the last 11 years of marriage is that we regularly seek wise counsel.

Of course we read Scripture, and seek to line up our lives with what we find there, and we don't just fly off and talk to large swathes of people before talking things through together just the two of us.

But we have found it extremely valuable to proactively pursue the advice and counsel of godly people God has put in our lives.

SEEK!

We actively ask for the input of people we respect and love, that are farther down life's roads than we are. If we're talking about parenting issues, we listen to people whose parenting we've watched and admired. If we're talking about life decisions, we talk to people who are wise and who live thoughtfully and intentionally. Sometimes we'll read an article, listen to a sermon online, or talk to similar-aged peers about it, but honestly, that's not often. We've just gained so much by seeking out the godly counsel of wise believers, that it's become a regularly-walked path in our lives.

For example, when I received a perplexing and very important letter from a friend a couple years ago, and didn't know how to respond, I talked it over with Doug, we gave it some thought, and then I called Angie, my dear friend and wise mentor. She offered some really great insights and helped me to walk through the issue in a way that led to the continuance of a peaceful relationship with that friend. When Doug & I have weighed job decisions, we make time to talk with friends around the world who have shown themselves to have godly priorities, who consistently make wise choices with their lives. Their advice has been so relevant and so helpful; we always walk away with something to consider or discuss.

We don't just have these conversations if we happen to be around them... we intentionally choose to ask for input, and deliberately seek it out from friends we respect.

WISE

One thing to consider is where you're getting your advice... sometimes a group of young moms can end up talking circles around something, whereas a mom with a couple decades of experience can put that same issue in perspective quite easily. Sometimes we miss big Truths because we're getting input and advice from people who are just as clueless as we ourselves are. So, I'd encourage you, in your decisions, to seek out people who have proven themselves wise... not over weeks or months, but over years and decades. Don't just seek a stamp of approval for what you are wanting to do... talk with godly friends before decisions are made, and go into these conversations with an open mind!

Ask-- what is the likely "fruit" of following the advice of the person(s) I'm listening to? Remember that old saying, "consider the source"... a bunch of moms on an internet message board may or may not have good advice, but if you carefully watch two or three moms in real life, and you see their children in living color, you can much more easily discern the value of the advice they're dishing out, for good or for ill.

Be discerning as to where your advice/decision-making process is coming from. Are you simply "following your gut"? Are your priorities coming from Scripture? Is your advice coming out of culture? Is it coming from wise, godly counselors? Think carefully about what is influencing the decisions you make.

COUNSEL

Reaching out to, and implementing the advice of, wise counselors has been a significant part of our married life... some of our very best friends are people who have proven themselves to be wise advisors. Sometimes life gets messy, or you're so deep in the midst of a problem that you can't see your way out. It is such a gift to have trusted people to whom you can turn when things get murky, and that's a benefit of the Body of Christ. We can turn to people within the Body and learn from one another!

AND AFTER YOU SEEK WISE COUNSEL...

Pray, talk things over with your spouse, parents, or trusted friends, and see what God would have you do. At the end of the day, counsel is just counsel. No one else can make a decision for you or live your life for you... so, once you've sought out wise counselors, and they've offered you insight, prayers, and advice, you still have to walk forward, ultimately, with prayer and in faith.

I don't want to overstate the importance of godly friends and counselors, and yet, I think it's extremely beneficial and biblical to have a number of wise, experienced, advice-givers in life.

The Bible has a lot to say about counsel. I'll close by sharing some verses:

• "The fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice." ~Proverbs 12:15
• "Who is this who darkens counsel without knowledge?" ~Job 38:2~ (This if from God, talking to Job. It is a serious thing when counsel is offered without knowledge to back it up... and yet, it happens all the time-- we must be discerning to the advice we heed!)
• "Jonathan, David's uncle, was a counselor, being a man of understanding..."~1 Chronicles 27
• "Listen to advice, and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future." ~Proverbs 19:20
• "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked..." ~Psalm 1:1
• "I bless the LORD Who gives me counsel..." ~Psalm 16:7
• "In an abundance of counselors there is safety." ~Proverbs 11:14
• "The sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel." ~Proverbs 27:9
• "His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor..." ~Isaiah 9:6

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Treasured Friendships: Face-to-Face Real & Online Real

Okay. I've been wanting to write this post for some time. About a month ago, one of my very best friends, the woman who has mentored me for nearly 15 years of my life, came for a week-long visit (courtesy of my parents and her husband-- THANK YOU!!!). And right after she left, something happened that showed me the value of online friendships as well.

FACE-TO-FACE "REAL"
There's nothing like having someone in person who can walk alongside you in real life. Someone who knows your strengths, your weaknesses, the hurts & celebrations of your heart, the things you've done well, and the things you're working on. That kind of friend is priceless.

I was so blessed to have Angie here for a week, for us to be able to spend extended amounts of time talking through life, sharing our joys and sorrows from recent years, and catching each other up on each of our kids and their personalities and lives (she has five, all older than my four). We are blessed when God blesses us with face-to-face friends with whom we can be genuine. Friends who will call us on any negatives in our life, listen to the authentic struggles we're facing, rejoice with life's "highs", and love us through it all. What a treasure to have such a friend!

ONLINE "REAL"
As Angie and I woke up at 3:30 am to get to the airport for her flight back to Texas, I glanced over to our mailbox (which almost never has mail, since we aren't natives and virtually no one knows our address) and saw a bubble pack sticking out. I grabbed it and glanced at the sender, only to realize that it was from someone I've been blessed to meet through the blogging community, Catherine. I had completely forgotten that she had written and asked for my mailing address. I slipped her package into my purse and Angie & I had a good last hour or so together.

After tearfully dropping my good friend off for her flight home, I got back to the parking lot and remembered the package. Opening it up, I was blessed to find an extremely encouraging letter and a CD-- a "mixed tape" of sorts. Just a bunch of encouraging and fun songs from the heart of my friend Catherine. A friend I may never get to meet face-to-face. A friend that I may never verbally talk with. But, nonetheless, a real friend. We know some of each other's stories. We have celebrated some highs and shared some lows. We've talked philosophies, examined Scripture, and spoken truthfully to one another. And God worked it out so that I received her encouraging letter at what could have been a very sad moment in life. I'm so thankful for Catherine and the valued friendship we share.

However God brings friends into our lives, we can thank Him for it... for the treasure of real friendship. Authenticity. Understanding. Honesty. Thought-provoking conversation. Scriptural one-anothering. We live in a strange era where we can have really fruitful, engaging friendships with people that we once knew but no longer live near, or people who we have never known in person but have much in common with. Whatever the case, and in whatever form it comes, what a blessing God has given us in friendship!

ANSWERS & ADVICE: "Older Women, Teach the Younger Women..."

So we have a good question up for discussion today... it involves the practical application of a very important passage of Scripture addressing us as Christian women-- Titus 2:3-5. Here it is for your quick reference:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Here's today's question:

I am a 45 year old woman and am trying to be very purposeful in fulfilling the Titus 2 mandate of older women teaching the younger women. I remember what it was like as a young mom, wishing there were some older women who would take an interest in me. Although there were a few, at times I felt alone. I have not forgotten what that felt like, and now have made it my goal to reach out to as many younger women as I can. In doing this I have run into some things that I did not anticipate, and I am wondering if you might have some ideas as to how I can effectively reach out and minister to younger women, and how to deal with some of the things I have experienced.

There are times when I have had young moms over and their children are completely out of control. It makes it hard to talk or think! I have had little children stand on my couch and jump up and down...and the mom thought it was cute. I have had them help themselves to things in my home, and the parent not even correct them. I do not expect perfection, as I know that they are learning, but it seems like most "church" moms are not spanking and disciplining their children. They normally tell me how they are working with their children, and what they are telling me is not biblical discipline. They are being "controlled" by their toddlers, and they don't even know it! There are times when they will make a comment about my older children and how they want their children to be like mine...but when I tell them about how we spanked and that I was home a lot in order to train my children, they are not interested in hearing that. They perceive it as being "too much". They seem to want the fruit, but dont want to go through the process!

The other thing I have experienced is that many younger women only want to be with peers and bounce things off them. They do not seem interested in spending time with someone they see as "old". Recently I invited a local "moms group" to have their monthly meeting in my home. I wanted to pamper them and do something special to encourage them. I served some fun brunch food and coffee. I put together a gift bag for each mom. I tried to make my home welcoming and to reach out to them. My 18 year old daughter was here to help with the children so that the mom's could relax. We were all ready. They arrived...and I was pretty much ignored the entire morning. I would attempt to make conversation with them,but they were not interested. They spent the time talking among themselves. I also struggled a little as moms changed dirty diapers on my new couch, fed a one year old red yogurt on my furniture, a two year old ate a strawberry on the couch...and everyone thought it was fine. The meeting ended, they left, I shut door, and felt a real sense of disappointment.

I even had a young mom tell me once that she couldn't stand being around older women because all they wanted to do was teach her!

So, what is an older woman to do? How are we supposed to deal with having little children in our homes who are not controlled? Should I say something, or stay quiet for the sake of attempting to "minister"? How can we reach out to young women who are not interested? In this day and age I am finding that the mind set of young moms is quite different than it was when my children were little. It seems like they are so used to being "age segregated" that concept of spending time with those who are older than you is somewhat foreign.

Although I have had a few very special friendships with some younger women, I am finding it to be frustrating as I am finding most of them seem to know it all, and have very little use for me! I would appreciate any input or ideas as to how I could more effectively reach out to the young women of this generation!

Thank you!
Gina

So, Making Home readers, what's your response for Gina? Especially those of you young moms who have (here at MH & at other online locales) asked for and bemoaned the lack of Titus 2 women in your life?

Motherhood & the Difficult Wisdom of Romans 14

We've all heard of (and likely experienced) the "Mommy Wars". As mothers, we can feel completely removed from other believers, if we make a parenting choice that is contrary to what they are choosing or what they chose. No matter where you live, if you're reading this and you're a mom, you've likely faced one of these issues, and may have butted heads with another Christian about it:

Stay at home vs. Career moms
Breast vs. Bottle
Spanking: Biblical or no?
Quiverfull vs. any limiting of family size at all
Schooling choices
Video Games
Sleep issues (co-sleeping, front/back sleeping)
How often children get baths
How soon to talk about x, y, or z with your kids
Sleepovers
Extracurricular activities

So many women feel beaten down for their choices. Or feel proud and combative about their choices. Or feel angry about other people's choices. Or feel bitter about other people's reactions to their choices. The thing is, none of those outcomes are good. Mommy wars are so very likely to end in pride, heartache, and frustration. With each other. With ourselves. And that's not the way we Christians are supposed to interact with one another.

There are some good things that can come when we share about our OWN choices. Curious people are satisfied. Confused people find more clarity. Unsure people may find sure footing (either in agreement or disagreement). Even people who are confident in their own choices may find their views/opinions sharpened and strengthened by hearing various other viewpoints. Sharing the biblical basis for our own decisions in parenting, home life, or marriage can be helpful for others who are either peers traveling the road with us, or for those who are slightly behind us on the road... to serve as guideposts for them as they eventually face some of the same choices in life.

But even in that (just talking about our own choices), we need to be careful. In electronic format, words can be so easily misinterpreted, and the same sentence can carry completely different meanings if read with venom or honey as the perceived "attitude". Here are some principles I see in Romans 14 (a chapter about Christian disagreement) that can be helpful for us mommies as we sort through and discuss these issues of motherhood, particularly online: (I'll share my own thoughts of what we can infer from each command behind each bolded main idea.)

1. Welcome others. (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, unwelcoming. We are quick to section ourselves off into groups of those with whom we agree.
   
2. Do not quarrel over opinions (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, argumentative. We like to be "right".
   
3. Do not pass judgment on others (vs. 4, 10) - We are, in our flesh, critical and condemning. We like to be a part of "us" and not "them".
   
4. Be fully convinced in your own mind (vs. 5) - We may walk around airing opinions that we aren't fully convinced of. We may have a tendency to not think through things carefully.
   
5. Do not despise one another (vs. 10) - In our flesh, we may feel hatred for or look down on the people with whom we disagree. Though we are called to love, our disagreements can quickly deteriorate that love we are to have for one another.
   
6. Remember that we will give an account to God (vs. 12) - Not only for our words, but for our actions and beliefs. We are quick to forget that we're each responsible for our own lives.
   
7. Decide never to put a stumbling block in the way of someone else (vs. 13) - We can unnecessarily build walls or barriers between us and others.
   
8. Don't intentionally and overtly do something to grieve another believer (vs. 15) - We can cause pain to others by our choices and words.
   
9. Pursue peace (vs. 19) - We should major on the things that we can agree on with the Christians around us.
   
10. Pursue what will mutually build up one another (vs. 19) - Find common ground and strive to sharpen one another in that area. This doesn't come naturally; we have to work at it.
    
11. Even if you have peace about something, if it grieves another believer, don't make a show of it. (vs. 20-22)
    
12. Whatever you do, do it in faith. (vs. 23)

Good stuff. It's amazing how the Bible really does speak into our lives, even from nearly 2,000 years ago. Any thoughts?

When People "Rub You the Wrong Way"

Did ya ever meet or spend time with someone who makes you feel like THIS?!?


And did that person happen to be a professing Christian, maybe even a part of your church?

Well then, this post is for you!


I was just listening to a sermon from the pastor in the church where I "grew up" spiritually. (Not where I went to church as a kid, but where we started going when I was 15. When Doug & I moved back to that area, we returned to that church... so it's where I've grown up spiritually.) And can I just say here that I LOVE mp3s and downloadable sermons?! Sometime, I'll have to do a post about all the great online resources where you can get spiritual "meat" for FREE!!!

Anyway, back to my pastor. His sermon was all about having patience with people who get under your skin. Particularly, it was about people in the Body of Christ. Those people that go to church with you that drive you bananas every Sunday. The lady in the choir who seems so showy with her expressions and movements. The man who never manages to have a nice word to say to anyone. The lady who gabs and jabs and never talks about anything of significance. The guy who, every Sunday, shakes your hand and occupies your time in a shallow conversation for WAY too long while you could be talking to friends. The lady who looks down her nose at everyone around her and makes you feel inferior and judged. We've all met at least one person in the Body of Christ who makes us feel totally annoyed and/or frustrated.

And to hear my pastor tell it, it's good for us. Colossians 3 talks about how we really live the Christian life... what we're to "take off" (like moral impurity) and what we're to "put on" : compassion, kindness, meekness, humbleness of mind ... and then in verse 12, he mentions "patience".

There are two words for patience that show up in the New Testament:

• The first is for patience under trials... for when you're under a heavy burden. It's a kind of patience driven by hope that God is using this trial to accomplish something, knowing that God will bring me through it on the other side with stronger faith. But this is not the word that is used here.
• The second word, which is the one used in this passage, is for patience with people. This passage is all about interacting with other people, so that's not surprising that this would be the word used for patience in this section.

He said it this way:

"Now you see, God has designed our lives in such a way that certain qualities can only be built in our life by having irritating people to come into our life. ... So you're gonna have some irritating people in your life. Sometimes, they'll be in your family. ...Sometimes it'll be somebody you married, and you didn't know how irritating they were when you married 'em. ... So you may find that one of the irritating people with whom you need to have patience is your spouse. It may be your parents; it may be your children. But then, it may be within the body of Christ. And I really believe that's what Paul has in mind here. He's talking about relationships within the body."

Consider how many people love a church until they get to know the people in it. He quoted an old poem,

"To dwell above with those we love,
That will be glory.
But to dwell below with those we know,
Well, that's a different story."

You may not deal with this if you are not interacting deeply with people at church. But when you really dig in and actually get to know people on an authentic level, and when you are vitally plugged in to a local church body, as my pastor said,

"Praise God, YOU will be one of somebody's irritating people. Now I know all of you were thinking, 'well, if I do that, I'm going to come across some irritating people,' and that's true. But you're gonna BE someone's irritating person too."

Offenses are going to come, because:
1- I'm a sinner
2- You're a sinner
3- That is the way that God has designed for growth to come in each of our lives.

He said that the way patience manifests itself is this:

"When I'm around someone that irritates me, how do I have patience with them?"

1- "Remember that God has been patient with you." (Think of all the sinful and silly/stupid things you've done in your life, and yet God has been patient with you and not thrown you away.)
2-"There are always factors that you don't understand in other people's lives." (The person who REALLY drives you crazy "probably has things going on way back in their past that you don't know about... and there may be some factors as recent as 30 minutes ago that you don't know about.")
3- "Remember that you are not the Holy Spirit. There are only THREE seats in the Trinity, and you don't occupy any one of them." The Holy Spirit convicts people. YOUR job is to pray for people and love them... there is a time for admonishing one another with Scripture- but that should be done if you have built a relationship and if you come with a prayerful humble attitude... not with bitterness or frustration in our hearts.)
4- "Remember that God is working in their life." Remember Saul of Tarsus? He started out killing Christians- NOBODY in the church liked him. "Yet God had him as a chosen vessel" to do His work. So when somebody is just irritating the tar out of you, just think, you know, God might marvelously use them. He is at work in their life!

He ended with this... it is nearly impossible for GOOD to come out of someone telling someone else off. But there may be times when, with relationship and love intact, a scriptural admonishment (using the Word of God to share truth in love) may be in order. But, he warns us with a couple final thoughts:

"Be careful about giving someone a piece of your mind
...you might not have that much to spare!"

- Be biblical, not emotional. -
- You're not responsible for THEIR choices. -
- You ARE responsible for YOUR choices. -

I hope this encourages and challenges you as it did me. Anything you'd like to share or add?

Friendships of Women, Part 4- Transparency is Vital

This post will seem obvious to some people. And to others, it will seem completely foreign, like learning a new language. Perhaps some might even see this as a fearful thing to be avoided. But I feel compelled to share this: I believe that transparency is vital for a friendship to grow beyond surface-level interactions.

LET HER SEE THE REAL YOU
If we are going to have authentic friendships, others have to know us. We have to open up; we must let others see us for who we really are. Without pride and pretense, but without false humility either. Others won't be able to speak into our lives if they don't know where we are, nor will there every be anything beyond shallow conversation if they don't know about the things that make our hearts soar. Basically, we will not have any genuine friends if we don't let the door of our hearts open up to allow others inside.

It can be a difficult thing, yes. It requires risk, yes. It may even mean rejection, yes. At times, we will have to be very wise and use discretion as to who we share our hearts with. But the rewards infinitely outweigh the risks. Opening up to others not only ministers to you- but it will minister to them.

Now I'm not talking about telling your deepest, darkest secrets to a lady you've just met at a luncheon. But I AM saying that when we are in a friendship and the opportunity comes to share, then more often than not, we will be blessed if we opt to share transparently with the other woman. Yes, there are gossips who will nibble up morsels and tidbits and consume our lives as they would a romance novel, but that concern is really addressed in the initial discussion of how to choose a godly friend.

LIVING LIFE AS AN OPEN BOOK
Honestly, I find that my life is more effectively used by God in the lives of others, and that my friendships have grown deeper when I treat my life as an open book. I hate having secrets or trying to remember who knows what. It is just easier for me to love others and minister to others if I am open about my own life- the good, the bad, and the ugly things that have happened to me, that I have done to others, and that have been part of the shaping of who I am today.

That's not to say that I go around blabbing my most personal and intimate details to any stranger on the street, but I am not going to keep a closet full of hidden away facts about myself. Instead, I'm going to try to shed the light of Christ into every area of my life, confess those things that are unattractive and ugly, and share my story--even my failures and hurts-- with anyone I can, in hopes that God can use my good, bad, and ugly to encourage others towards Himself.

MAKING MY WHOLE LIFE AVAILABLE FOR HIS USE
I want my whole life to count for Him- and I want to have friendships with all kinds of women that will draw more and more women deeper and deeper in their relationship with Jesus. If it takes me being open about my life in order to help others walk more closely with Him, then YES- it is ABSOLUTELY worth the risk, the potential rejection, the possible shame, and anything else the enemy might try to use against me as a result of my openness.

Here's what I'm trying to get at: THIS is your real life. Your past, present, and future all make up the story He's weaving in your life... there's no re-do. This is the one crack you get at this thing called life. Whether it's ugly or painful, boring, or embarrassing, it's your story. And the same goes for my life - THIS is my real life... so, for my part, I want Him to be glorified from all of it. I want every single drop of my life to be squeezed out and used for His potential glory. I want even the pain and shame of my past to encourage my friends and the women I know towards godliness.

We all like to be around someone who is REAL- who has flaws and isn't afraid to admit it, but who is fully and intentionally running after God. I want to be that kind of woman, so that I can be useful, so that I might have deep friendships, and ultimately, so that my life will glorify the God Who made me. And I want to encourage you to be that kind of woman, too.

To read more of the "Friendships of Women" series, click below:
PART ONE- Beginning a Friendship
PART TWO- Learn From One Another
PART THREE- Be the Kind of Friend You Want

Friendships of Women, Part 3- Be the Kind of Friend You Want

Before we move on into other areas, I wanted to encourage you that one way to make friends is to be friendly. By that, I don't just mean "be extroverted" or some such thing. What I mean is to be the kind of person who you would want as a friend. Some general Do's and Don't's... feel free to add on in the comments.

DO:
- Listen
- Empathize
- Weep with those who weep
- Rejoice with those who rejoice
- Speak the truth in love
- Be transparent
- Share your successes and struggles
- Be genuine
- Live in the now
- Be humble and willing to admit wrong
- Encourage and exhort straight from the Word of God
- Work to make others feel at ease
- Be quick to pray for others

DON'T:
- Hog the conversation
- Be critical or impossible to please
- Gossip (if you'll do it with her, she figures, you'll do it to her... no one can trust a gossip!)
- Minimize her problems
- Expect her to listen to your problems when you're too busy or unconcerned to listen to hers
- Overinflate the importance of things that are actually side issues (i.e., the biblicality of breastfeeding, debating whether the husband or wife should oversee bill paying; See Romans 14 for freedom as believers)
- Be so wrapped up in the past or the future that you miss out on the present
- Be a pushover or a follower
- Give human advice from self-help books
- Inflate your successes but ignore your struggles
- Inflate your struggles but ignore your successes
- Get your feelings hurt easily
- Be too proud to say, "I'm sorry"


These are things that ALL of us can work on... considering others before yourself can mean all of the things on this list, and more. I'm sure you have more of these, born from your own experiences... so please feel free to add on your own thoughts for being a good friend in the comments (be sure to specify whether it's a do or a don't!).


p.s.- Don't y'all just LOVE that photo?! It makes me smile and want that kind of close friendship as an elderly woman!

To read more of the "Friendships of Women" series, click below:
PART ONE- Beginning a Friendship
PART TWO- Learn From One Another
PART FOUR- Transparency is Vital

Friendships of Women, Part 2- Learn From One Another

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." -Proverbs 27:17

To me, the sharpening process-- growing and learning together --is one of the most exciting aspects of friendship. We all need to be challenged. It is easy to have friends that will let us go on in our selfish, sinful ways. But finding a friend who will sharpen you- who will challenge you to become more than you are- and who will grow along side you... that is much more difficult to find.

In the last post in this series, we talked about how to find a friend. Today, we'll talk about selecting a friend you can learn from.

DON'T PICK SOMEONE WHO'S JUST LIKE YOU
Find a woman who challenges you- someone who sees things a little differently than you do. Perhaps she has a child with a disability, or maybe she's dealt with years of infertility. Perhaps she is caring for an aging parent or grandparent, or maybe her husband is serving in the military. Don't look for a woman who shops at all the same places, wears all the same things, or decorates her house the same way you do. Look for someone who does things slightly different from the people around her. Maybe she homeschools, maybe she recycles, maybe she volunteers somewhere... whatever the case, look for a godly woman who makes you think "outside the box".

GLEAN ALL YOU CAN FROM HER
No one woman can teach every bit of biblical knowledge, every admirable character quality, or every skill. But every woman who is seeking to grow in Christ can teach you something.

If she never had children, she may not be able to share with you how to raise children... or if she doesn't have a tidy house, housekeeping may not be the thing to "glean" from her, but take time to learn the things from her that she CAN teach you. If she's seeking the Lord and has some life experience, then there are undoubtedly things she can teach you- even if she doesn't realize it, so glean all you can from this woman. Sit at her feet (figuratively, but maybe even literally) and let her share with you.

For me, it is helpful to find a friend that's in a different stage of life than you are - if you have preschool kids like I do right now, that would mean either someone without kids, or maybe a new mom with one baby, a mom of teenagers or a woman who already has an empty nest... it seems that it makes getting together easier when you're not both dealing with the same things all at once. Another reason this is important to me is so that I don't fall into the grade-school mentality: that everyone I hang out with has to be just like me. It is important that we broaden our acquaintances to include women from the whole body of Christ and not just that little sliver of a cross-section that looks just like we do.

BE AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO HER AS WELL
I would challenge you to look around you and begin asking the Lord to show you a godly woman who is admirable, someone from whom you can learn-- a woman who will challenge you, and a woman to whom you can be an encouragement. Begin looking for her and once you find her, be willing to ask questions, get to know her, and sit at her feet and glean all you can. Not only will you be learning, but you'll be edifying and encouraging her by letting her know that you find her interesting and wise.

As your friendship grows, go out of your way to love and encourage her in meaningful ways. Perhaps she's a young mom who has just started nursing a baby- could you bring her a box of nursing pads and a good book to read while she's nursing? Or perhaps she's lonely and you could get your husband to watch all the kids while you take time to go out to dinner with her? Try to look for ways to give back meaningfully to her as well.

"Let me sum up"- Inigo Montoya (can you tell I've watched Princess Bride lately?)
Let us be women who learn from one another's mistakes and successes... I don't want to have to learn the same lessons that the women around me have already learned (if I can help it)! I'd rather hear their stories, listen to their parenting ideas, hear about the things that work in their marriages and then implement all those things into my own life rather than trial and error from the Christian-self-help-book-o-the-month.

I want to challenge other women and be challenged by other women. To do that, I have to step outside of my natural, comfortable instincts (of only seeking out people that act like me, look like me, talk like me, and walk like me) and instead seek out women who will make me consider new perspectives, learn new things, and become a more wholly consistent person, as I am challenged to think about what I believe and why.

Questions? Thoughts?

To read more of the Friendships of Women series, click below:
PART ONE- Beginning a Friendship
PART THREE- Be the Kind of Friend You Want
PART FOUR- Transparency is Vital

Friendships of Women, Part 1- Beginning a Friendship

I have encountered several women lately who feel lonely and friendless and were not taught how to "do" friendship with other women... they don't know what a good, deep friendship feels like, don't know what it looks like, and aren't sure it's worth the risk of being hurt or rejected to take the time and energy to be transparent with a woman friend.

So, I'm starting a series today about the friendships of women. It's something I've been reading about over the last several months, and something I myself have learned how to do incrementally. I hope it will be a blessing to you.

Today, we'll address the question: how do I start a friendship with another woman? As time goes on, we'll address how to select women friends, what genuine friendship looks like, how to maintain friendships, the seasons of friendship and various kinds of friendships that happen among women. I'd LOVE to have your input, stories, and insights on these things, so please join me as we discuss the friendships of women.


PART ONE: HOW DO I START A FRIENDSHIP?
If you are a woman who is like the one I described above, perhaps feeling lonely or like the last girl picked for the kickball team, I want to encourage you. You CAN have close women friends, if you want them. Perhaps you just need a faithful friend, one who will stick by you through thick and thin, like Ruth was for Naomi. Or maybe you need a friend who will rejoice with you when everyone else is judging or pessimistic, just like Elizabeth was for Mary. Could be that you've been burned by friends in the past and aren't sure whether anyone else is worth the effort. Whatever the case, I'd like to encourage you to step out and befriend another woman. In all likelihood, that other woman is probably hurting and unsure and needs encouragement, in the same way you do. Here's where I'd start:

FIND ONE ADMIRABLE WOMAN
Look around you at church, at homeschool groups, in your community, in your neighborhood and see if there's one woman who's ahead of you on the road you're on, even if she's only ahead of you in one area, and see if you could begin spending regular time with her.

For example, if you are a quilter, find someone who is an excellent quilter and is an empty nester. Ask her if she'd be willing to come over during the kids' quiet afternoon reading times/naptimes for littles and teach you a few things, or if you guys could just quilt alongside each other. If you like to think through new theories and learn about new things, look around your church and find a woman who thinks deeply... a woman who reads challenging books... and then ask her to come over one morning while the kids play in the backyard, so she can share with you what she's learning in her most recent book.

If you're a homeschooler, find someone in your area who has done that well, and invite her to come and mentor you about better ways of getting things done. Or perhaps there's a woman who has a really strong marriage, or has endured much tragedy in her life. Invite her over for lunch and to stay for conversation while the kids take a nap.

TAKE THE FIRST STEP
Sometimes you have to "put it all on the line" so to speak, and just ASK. People may not know you need a friend, and they're busy going through their lives at the same time you are. They may assume you have friends in your neighborhood, or friends through your husband's work, or friends from high school/college, or friends in your homeschooling circle, or friends through ________, and not even realize that you need a friend too (even if they're lonely and needing a friend as well)!!!

This is the way that I have made most of my best friends... by putting my fears and insecurities on the line and just making time to get to know another woman. Basically, it's Titus 2-ing but I don't expect to learn EVERYTHING Titus 2 talks about from one woman (although there IS one particularly good friend in my life that has taught me many major things in life)... but if I can learn about personality theories from one friend, about creativity with children from another friend, and learn grace and kindness from another friend, and hospitality from another one, and cross-cultural things from another one, well then pretty soon, I've not only learned a bunch of new things (from people who are good at those things), but I've also made a bunch of great friends.

DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF TO ONE, BUT START WITH ONE
For me, it all started out with one. I now have many friends with whom I share what I would call a deep friendship, with whom I can talk openly and transparently, feel at ease to "be myself" and not feel judged, and can share just about anything. But it all started with one friend like I'm describing... taking time to get to know each other. Intentionally opening up, bit by bit... and it didn't happen overnight.

But if you start with one, then soon you'll be better at being a friend and making a friend. Once you have a friend who shows you how to quilt, then you may realize that you'd like to have a friend who can help you to have a better marriage, or how to be more patient or creative with your children. The sky's the limit on what you can learn from other women! But you've gotta take the first step and start with one!

******************************

It has been such a blessing in my life to have women to learn from, grow with, be taught by, and teach. I love the women that I have shared my heart with, and know that I am loved in return.

It would be my prayer for you that you will have deep, loving friendships with other women in your life as well. That God will give you at least one other woman with whom you can tear down your walls and just be yourself. That He will bless you with a Sister who will come alongside you and share your burdens on the road of life. I hope this encourages you to think through the friendships and the depth of the friendships that you have; I'd love to hear any thoughts or stories on this topic!

CLICK HERE to read Part 2 of the Friendships of Women series.

Show & Tell: Dealing With Difficult People

Normally, I don't do back-to-back show and tells... but this is my blog, and I have something else to bring to Show & Tell this week! :) You may have already figured it out, but Show & Tells are my method of compiling interesting links for whatever topic is on my mind at a given time. Hope they're helpful for you, too.

After feeling deflated today, having been around a very discouraging person, I began looking into this topic of dealing with difficult people. In researching, I came across many various ideas and methods for different kinds of difficult people you may encounter:

• "DIFFICULT PEOPLE ARE GOD'S GRINDSTONES": This blogger, Seth, offers an interesting point of view that we don't really want to think about when we're facing difficult people... namely, that God has them in our lives for a reason. Could be that I need to learn patience, self-control, gentleness... (hmmm... I seem to remember a list that goes something like that... ) and that this difficult person is God's gift to me so that I might learn that lesson through my interactions with her.

• HANDLING & HELPING A DIFFICULT PERSON IN A GROUP: This is an account -by NavPress- of how a small group leader & his wife helped one difficult person who continually caused problems in their class. While acknowledging that this is not a cure-all, these were their steps for loving, helping, and holding accountable a woman they call "Liz":

Assign a personal discipler

Set clearly understood limits and consequences.

Make the person responsible for her actions.

Expect change.

• TIPS FOR HANDLING TROUBLEMAKERS: Rick Warren has nicknamed several varieties of difficult people: The Sherman Tank, The Nit Picker, The Bubble Buster, The Volcano, and others... and suggests these steps for responding biblically to difficult people:

Realize you can't please everyone-- even Jesus couldn't!

Refuse to play games-- lovingly speak the truth.

Never retaliate.

Pray for them.

• This article examines how the apostle Paul dealt with difficult people. I wish I could copy & paste part of the last point for you, but the website expressly forbids partial copying. Please- go to the site, and scroll down nearly to the bottom and read the last section. The author offers excellent advice on how to examine yourself and be above reproach in dealing with difficult people.

• Last, but certainly not least, I want to point you to three excellent articles that all come from a website called "Conquerors in Christ".

1. DO YOU CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK? Here, he deals with how to respond to unfair criticism, or when others see us in a negative light.
2. DON'T GET ENTANGLED IN THE ROPES OF REVENGE. When I know God and put my trust in Him, I will feel less "need" to respond when people hurt me, knowing that God "has my back".
3. REMOVING YOURSELF FROM THOSE WHO SOW STRIFE: When we've done all we can do, is it biblical or right to withdraw from a relationship?

As always, please don't take these links to mean that I agree with everything posted on every site referenced. I just thought the included links would be good food for thought for anyone dealing with difficult people.

And finally, one final word --from the source that is perfect & without fault-- to encourage all of us: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." (Romans 12:18) Many blessings & HAPPY READING!!!

The Sinner, the Spiritual, and the Observer

Galatians 6 begins with a situation that many a Christian will face at one time or another:

"Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression..."

This isn't a passage admonishing you how to behave if you are caught in sin, but rather, it gives us advice about what to do if a fellow believer is caught in sin and you find out about it. Isn't that just a practical way for a passage to begin? Because so many of us find ourselves in this situation. During "prayer" time, someone will share about "Carrie's sister"... or about "the argument between Michelle & her mom." We'll hear about a crumbling marriage, a church member's addiction to pornography, or a young mom's problem with anger toward her children.

It goes on to say:

"...you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness."

Charles Stanley says that this kind of spiritual person is not just someone who reads their Bible occasionally, or is merely a regular church attender. This kind of spiritual person is someone for whom Christ is the center of their lives, a person who walks in the Spirit, and is a person who will have wisdom as to how to help restore a fallen brother or sister. This person knows to address the situation gently, humbly, and kindly, offering compassion and love while working towards restoration.

Not many people will fit this description, which is why things go awry when a casual Christian tries to "help" a Christian friend by giving advice from the likes of Oprah, Dr. Phil, or Dr. Laura. A spiritual Christian will restore by offering encouragement from the Word of God. A spiritual Christian will approach a fallen brother or sister gently-- offering kindness instead of judgment, and a hand and ear rather than back-biting. We should each begin to develop that kind of gentle spirit toward those caught in sin.

"Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted."

The interesting thing about this sentence is that this is what we very seldom do. When we see a brother who has fallen prey to internet pornography, we shake our heads at both he and his wife, thinking he must be a louse and she must not be "taking care of business". When we see a parent whose teen or adult child wanders into rebellion, we may think, "ah, they must have made some major mistakes with that one!" But the truth is that any one of us -male or female- is subject to the same sins we see in others.

That's why Paul admonishes us to keep watch. We're to look at those going through the struggles of sin and learn from their mistake. We're to take caution not to fall into the same pit ourselves.

You know that saying, "there but by the grace of God go I"? We often hear it in terms of a beggar on the side of the road or a drug-addicted prostitute. And while it is good to recognize that we, too, without the grace of God, would be ravaged by addiction, need, and sin, we need to personalize it more. It is you or I that could one day have a husband who falls into the arms of another woman. It is you or I that could have a child walk away from the Lord and foolishly into the world. It is you or I that could fall into any kind of sin ourselves. That is what makes the grace of God so incredible! Truly, without the lavish grace of God, you and I wouldn't stand a chance.


Gracious Father, help us to begin to see the sin of our brothers and sisters in a new light. When we hear of fellow believers that have fallen into sin, let us look inward, checking ourselves, lest we too be tempted. Make us the kind of men and women that offer gentle kindness. Keep us from making judgments about others, but instead, help us to be gracious in our words, actions, and, even though they're hidden, our thoughts as well. Make us spiritual men and women who You can work through to touch people in their moment of need. Amen.

Quick Query: "You've Got a Friend"?

Today, I just have one question for you, with some "help-ya-think" follow-up questions:

How close is your closest friendship with another woman?

- Is she someone you see regularly or infrequently?
- Have you ever fought with her?
- Do you agree on most things or are there some "big-ticket" items you disagree about?
- Is she your age? Younger? Older?
- Does you both value your friendship to the same degree?


Please share about the closeness of your friendship, how "real" you are able to be, and how long you've been friends. Any other details you want to include are welcome! This is an opportunity for you to celebrate a treasured friendship in your life.

Corrupting Companions

Have you ever had a friend that you knew wasn't "good" for you? A friend that gives/gave you "permission" to be less than what God wants/wanted you to be?

MY STORY
I had a friend like that growing up. I begged for time with her, berated and argued with my parents for freedom to be friends with her, and told them not to worry- she was a Christian! She was then and is now a close friend. I'm thankful for our friendship now, and I'm thankful that she is now walking with the Lord.

But growing up with that friendship as my closest friendship gave me "permission" to do many things I'm now ashamed of, to walk in ways that led to sin, and to be exposed to things that I never would have otherwise known about. That friendship was my one "invitation to the party" of sin, so to speak. If that one friendship hadn't existed, or hadn't been allowed to continue, how many things might have been different in my adolescent and teenage years?

I am sharing this not as a confession of sin (as these things have all been long confessed and openly acknowledged), as a complaint against my parents (as I understand the struggle they went through over this friendship, and know they did the best they could), nor as a regret of the ultimate outcome of that friendship (as I dearly love this friend of mine and God has graciously brought us both to walk with Him as adults), but as a way of encouraging you to help your children to select good friends, and as a challenge to you to pull your children out of harms way in this area.

CONFLICTING FEELINGS
We all want our children to grow up to be responsible adults; ideally, we want them to have enough freedom to make "affordable mistakes" while they're still at home. Part of the conflict that I know my own parents dealt with has to do with freedom vs. protection. How much should we interfere? Shouldn't we let our children "learn the ropes" of friendship through the hard knocks that come on the playground and the backyard?

But my exhortation to you is this: "bad company corrupts good character". You CAN and you should protect your children in this way.

If my parents had tried to interfere, would I have fought tooth and nail to keep this friendship? Yes. Would I have been angry and hateful and spouted venomous words? Yes. Would I have acted as if the whole world was coming to an end and I would never have forgiven them? Yes. But would I have gotten over it eventually? Yes. And would I ultimately have been far more protected from the influences of the world? Yes, I believe so.

WHAT CAN BE DONE
Again, this is not a condemnation of my friend or my parents, as I love them all very much, and am extremely grateful for the grace of God that rescued me (and her) from the pit.

But this is a challenge to you: be strong. Be the parent. Be the protector of this person that God has entrusted to you. If your child is enamored with a friend who is enamored with the world, start now to help your child put distance between them. If they fight you on it, be firm. If your child is not yet involved in such a friendship, begin now to build this into their internal conscience: to know how to evaluate and select godly friends. To know when to back off from a relationship that would tear them down. To recognize that this is not an area you want to have to "step into". Let them know that you love them enough to step in if they make a really bad choice in this area (just as you would do if they were about to put their hand on a hot burner). Build this into your child's character as an area that will prove critical to their adolescent and young adult lives.

This one area of the companions they keep can set them on the pathway to righteousness or the pathway to sin. You may be saying, "yes, but YOU came out okay, Jessica. You made it through OK... you're serving God now." And yes, by His grace, all those things are true. And I am SO thankful. I love this friend, and I am thankful for God's grace at work in my life and in hers as well, but this post isn't about my past, but about your child's future.

Ultimately, I just wanted to share my own story and affirm this: "Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good character."