Adventures with Live-In Houseguests

Well, we're 10/11 days into hosting our friends as live-in houseguests.  We're also 2 days past Christmas.  Things are settling into a new normal, I think.

I'll try to share the basics of how things are going-- first off, I really like her.  We've "known" each other for more than 5 years now... interacting on an increasing basis, from online fellow-bloggers, to familiar, to friends.  But now we're developing a real, in life, daily friendship.  We're communicating often, openly, and honestly, and it's great.  I enjoy spending time with her.

I know there is totally the possibility of someone you meet online to come across one way over the internet, and then be a real creeper, or totally different in real life.  But I'm finding things to be mostly as I expected they'd be.  We get along well.  We still sometimes text or communicate through private messages, even if we're just down the hall from each other, ha.  Maybe out of habit or ease, but also probably because I'm a lazy pregnant lady & sometimes one of us just wants to get something out before we forget it.  We're both in the throes of mothering young children and sometimes you've got to seize the moment while something's on your mind.  :)

But we're also talking a lot.  The one thing we talked extensively about before heading into this adventure was that we intended to KEEP COMMUNICATING.  So we've gone off for a girls' night out (thrift store shopping), went for a long walk the other day, and drove up together to see Christmas lights last night.  And we're also spending time together as couples in the evenings several nights a week, just talking and getting to know each other.

We're getting into a groove, you could say.  It's been a bit "off" from our norms, schedule-wise, for both of our families, with Christmas hitting just a week after their arrival, but it's been good too.  They've had downtime together as a family without the pressure of her husband having to pound the pavement (since no one was hiring over Christmas Eve & Christmas anyhow).  It's also given us the freedom to spend time getting to know each other before Doug had to go back to work.

The kids are getting along well too.  The only "hiccup" is that my 2 year old is extremely affectionate, interactive, and friendly, and that kind of freaks out her 2 year old, who is more reserved & cautious than he is.  So I'm trying to keep him close to me, and not let him get/stay too close to her.  But at least our kids aren't frustrated with each other... far from it!  Their son fits right in with our group of boys, and our daughters are totally enamored with each other.  :)

Neither us nor our children are perfect, and we've had to be flexible (for example, we initially planned to eat breakfast together but then realized that they were used to eating immediately upon waking, whereas my kids are used to eating at 8, so now we're doing breakfast mostly separately; and we thought she would just always do breakfast dishes, but then timing sometimes works out different, depending on the day's events, so now she just does dishes once a day, at some point).  BUT-- because we planned to be flexible and amenable going into this whole thing, it's going quite well.

Truly, all things considered, I can't really imagine a situation with 4 adults & 7 kids (one of whom is pregnant, and one of whom --her husband-- is sick) in one normal-sized house going better.  I think the fact that we're all family, in Christ, and that we truly want to serve and love each other has made all the difference.

You can read her perspective on it all here.

The Coming Adventure...

Well, we have a little adventure on its way to our house.  

Namely, a little more than a month ago, we invited another family to come and live with us.  I don't know how to tell this story without just jumping right on in... so:

WHO?

• They are roughly our age (just realized I don't actually know their exact ages), with two kiddos ages 4 & 2.  
• Details to come later, but we met through this blog.  Yes.  You read that right.

WHAT?

• They were living in a very un-family-friendly locale and for years have talked about moving to the Dallas area.  
• We've been brainstorming with them job and housing possibilities, but (unless you're an executive) it's just hard to convince a potential employer, "really, I'm serious" when you're applying for a position while living in a completely different part of the country.

WHEN?

• We invited them a month ago.
• They should arrive in about 3 days, depending on how much longer their road trip with little ones actually goes.
• We've given them the option of staying up to six months, if need be, in order to get a job, find a local church body, make sure they settle in a living situation they'll be content with, etc.  Obviously we'll all be delighted if that pans out sooner rather than later, but in this current job environment and so that they don't feel rushed, we've offered up to six months.

WHERE?

• We have a four bedroom/three bath house with a large living area and 2 small "other" spaces (a sun room and an office), so we've moved our play room into the sunroom, and our daughter has given up her room for this time.  They'll have two bedrooms and one bathroom and of course we'll share the common space.  Yes, it'll be tight to some degree.

WHY?

• First, as we were going through a small group study of David Platt's book Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream, God prompted Doug & I to do this as we prayed through and for their situation... and we've always tried to obey Him quickly.
• Second, because we're part of the Body of Christ & they are our brother and sister.  If my blood  brother or sister were in a hard situation, without any family members to rely on, of course I'd do all that I could to help them.  And the New Testament doesn't use the terms "brother and sister" to mean "people we hold at arms' distance and keep meaning to get together with."  While living overseas, we came to understand so much more about the close familial relationships God intends for us to have within the Body of Christ & want to live that out in our lives as He prompts us to do.  This is one fleshing out of that conviction He's put in our hearts.
• Third, because it's really not that much of a sacrifice to make in order to invest in a family's ability to provide for their needs and flourish as a family. 

HOW?

• We made a long list of things to think through and talk through (alone time, chores/routines, quiet  nap times in mid-day, personal preferences/norms like clutter, can kids walk around with snacks?, what's the neighborhood like, etc.) and then talked and e-mailed and skyped like mad about them.
• We're going to have weekly house meetings after the kids are in bed to talk through any issues/concerns that have come up that week.
• We'll do it by God's grace... as both of us are couples trying to be molded to the image of Jesus, we want to let this process shape and refine us and not just make us bitter or frustrated.  So we're going to work at it & pray about it.

We're actually looking forward to it.  :)  

If you've read this blog for very long, you've probably realized that we are willing to take risks if we believe it's what God's led us to do as a family... moving to China almost 7 years ago, having our daughter in Thailand 6 years ago, moving to Istanbul with three week's notice 4 & 1/2 years ago, deciding to stay in the States without a job or house or car 1 year ago... and now this.  We like adventures, when God's the travel director of those adventures.  

Thoughts?  Advice?  Mainly, I just wanted to share so that those of you who read more than just a post here or there would be informed about something big happening in our life.

Image courtesy of: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Hospitality by Moms of Young Children?

We host larger groups in our home regularly now (see the picture of piled up shoes in our entryway as proof!), and have for almost a year. But it wasn't always this way. Something I've realized (being a mom with young children) is that this is a wonderful way for moms of young children to be involved in life as part of the body of Christ.

Even though you are intricately tied to the home, you can serve, interact with, influence, and befriend all kinds of people by having a hospitable home. When people know you are happy to host guests, make desserts, or have a get-together in your home, you can become their “go-to” person whenever the need arises. When a guest preacher comes to your church, the pastor may think of you as a family who can provide him with lunch. If the women's Bible study needs someone’s home to host a party, you will become known as someone who enjoys opening up her home.

That may sound scary to you... it would have to me a few years ago. But the fact is that by opening up your home, you can get to know people better in a place that allows you to be the mom of your children. If your kids need a nap, you just excuse yourself, put them down for a nap, and rejoin the conversation moments later. Bedtime can happen and then the get-together can go on. Even during this time of "working at home”, when you aren’t regularly venturing out into the world, you can essentially bring the world to you.

OK, BUT HOW?
I'd encourage you to begin this week and learn a new dessert recipe, or put together 2-3 possible menus. Think of menus that would taste good, but also be realistic possibilities for you to prepare on an average day in your current stage of life. Think about things that can be made ahead of time and frozen, things that can cook all day in the crock pot but be excellent over rice or pasta. Consider the possibilities, and then craft a few possible menus.

Then, jump in. Invite another family over. Or an older couple. Or a hungry college student. At first, you will probably feel inadequate. You may find that you need to learn how to get several meal items all ready at the same time. Or it may be that you need to do a better job estimating accurate serving portions for groups.

Whatever you learn about your hostess skills, if you find something(s) lacking, focus on one thing that most needs improvement… and then do that one thing better the next time. The more you have people in your home, the more natural it will become. And by focusing on your one area for improvement each time, it will also become easier each time you do it.

BUT MY HOUSE IS A MESS!!!
In general, you can relax about the daily mess of life. Your home doesn’t need to look as pristine as the White House for guests to enjoy a visit in your home. Make things presentable and tidy, and then dive in. Do take the time to tidy up the room or rooms that you’ll be spending your time in, but don’t worry about it if you have a full hamper or haven’t mopped. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect, and in fact, the fact that you live in a “real” house will probably be an encouragement to the people you’re hosting.

BUT I’M NO FIVE-STAR CHEF!!!
As far as meals go, it can range from the simple and inexpensive (a baked potato buffet-style meal) to the basic and every-day (simple pasta, simple sauce, and baked/grilled chicken) to as creative and special as you want to make it. It’s really up to you. But simple meals like waffles with syrup or a grilled chicken salad can be every bit as good as the extravagantly-made meals that a chef could dream up. The point is NOT to become some world-class chef (although by having groups over, your cooking skills WILL greatly improve)… the point is to use your home to serve others.

And what a wonderful way to begin really getting to know your brothers and sisters in Christ! Invite the widows, college students or the single mom and her kids in your church over to your home.

Young moms, hospitality is an excellent way that we can extend our reach during this “home-bound” season of our lives and impact even those outside of our homes for God’s glory. We will find loads of ministry opportunities if we will graciously hold out our homes as a tool for God’s use.

Click here to read more articles about hospitality.

Holidays with Difficult People/Relatives

About this time every year, we get excited for the favorite people we're going to get to see... but then for many of us, there may come a sense of dread about having to see or deal with other people. Sometimes they're close relatives, sometimes it's a boss, sometimes it's extended family or friends... but nearly everyone ends up having to figure out how to handle difficult relationships at this time of year.


Here are some things I've found helpful in dealing with difficult people:

* Limited time. Don't feel like you have to stay to the very end of that family celebration, or until everyone leaves the office Christmas party. Plan your time, be kind, but you don't necessarily have to commit to an all-day affair during the busiest time of the year, particularly if it will leave you stressed, bitter, and exhausted. Carefully think of how to spend your time during this holiday season.

* Possible conversation topics thought of and considered ahead of time- Pick some things to talk about that won't be controversial... in some families, this means nothing but the VERY LIGHTEST political talk; in some, it will mean virtually no mention of religious things.

And also think of those things that will not be received well by others, and resolve yourself to avoid those. For example, if your Aunt Thelma has never had anything but rude responses to news about what's going on in your church, then this year, you can decide ahead of time to not even bring it up. It helps me to prepare myself to realize that I can't talk about some of the wonderful things going on in our lives (so I don't walk away bitter)... they just don't understand or care about those things- so I don't need to walk into an unbelieving relative's home and expect them to "get" all of the things that are important to us.

* Think of things in advance that they can teach you or show you how to do. "Oh mother in law, how do you grow rosemary in your pots out back?" Or, "Grandma, would you show me how you do that one quilting trick you were talking about at Jimmy's birthday party?" Or, "Mr. so-and-so (who you know is an avid reader), what interesting books have you read lately?") I find that when I think of things that they can teach me about, they feel respected, I might actually learn something, AND conversation comes more easily and generally stays polite and kind.

* Consider what boundaries you will have and how you will respond if they are crossed. For example, think ahead: "if my mother-in-law says anything negative about my pregnancy, I will walk out of the room and let my husband handle it." Or, "if _____ makes a snide comment about our convictions/religious beliefs/denomination, we will smile and say, 'I understand how you feel. (long pause) Isn't it great how good the Cowboys are doing this year?'" Etc.

Think up the things that have typically come up and bothered you (this is different in every family/situation), and think of the best way you could handle it, maintaining boundaries while maintaining peace as far as it depends on you.

* Do all that is within your power to maintain a peaceful relationship. Do all that you can possibly do to make it a pleasant day for everyone-- including those people who drive you the most batty!!! I know it's hard-- believe me, I know. But I find that I drive away from these family times or difficult interactions so much more content when I've thought and planned ahead and done all that I can do to love and show respect to the other people involved.

These are some of the things that have made difficult interactions (particularly at holiday times) more bearable and even enjoyable for us. What do you do/have you done to make it through the holidays when dealing with difficult people or relatives?

Hospitality Vs. Entertaining

Surely I'm not the only one who has experienced something like this:

You started the morning at a deficit on the "spic and span" scale. Some of the groceries from two nights ago still remain in bags on the kitchen counter. Couch cushions are askew, and it looks like your child's room exploded in the living room. You still haven't gotten a shower. You hope to get one when the kids go down for a nap at 2. Then, there's an unexpected knock at the door. You want to run for cover and dive out of sight, but you know that THEY know you're home. Reluctantly, you open the door and the apologies begin.

"The house is just a mess... I'm so sorry..."

"We've had a rough morning... please excuse the mess..."

In the last post on hospitality, some of the comments got into the expectations that arise from the "Martha Stewart" mentality. I'll never be one to criticize Martha's taste, recipes, decorating tips, or style... she's got an eye for all of those things, and we all could stand to learn things from people who have a natural gifting like that, about how to decorate our homes and cook tasty & nutritious meals, etc.

But there IS something more. Something BEYOND the perfection and presentation that's expected in that kind of "Entertaining" model.

As Karen Mains writes in Open Heart, Open Home,

"Entertaining has little to do with real hospitality. Secular entertaining is a terrible bondage. Its source is human pride. Demanding perfecting, fostering the urge to impress, it is a rigorous taskmaster that enslaves. In contrast, scriptural hospitality is a freedom that liberates.

Entertaining says, 'I want to impress you with my beautiful home, my clever decorating, my gourmet cooking.' Hospitality, however, seeks to minister. It says, 'This home is not mine. It is truly a gift from my Master. I am His servant, and I use it as He desires. Hospitality does not try to impress but to serve."

I have begun to realize that I have bought into the lie that hospitality and entertaining are the same. I have been held back by the paralyzing fear that says, "if I let her see how I really live, I won't be seen as a real woman."

And isn't that the complete OPPOSITE of the truth? Isn't it liberating to walk into a respected woman's home and see that she, too, has a stack of books that she never has managed to put away? Isn't it freeing to see that other young moms have Hot Wheels and blocks all over their floor on the average weekday too? It is for me! The truth is, that if we let each other see how we really live, we will suddenly BE a real woman to our friends. Suddenly, we will no longer appear or have the need to appear perfect. Mains writes, "I had to learn to put away my pride when I open the front door and accept those standing there as they are. Consequently, I expect them to accept me as they find me." FREEDOM!

That kind of attitude and approach to hospitality speaks complete FREEDOM to me. And I hope it does to you too. No longer do I HAVE to have things "together" when someone comes over. No longer do I have to apologize for living real life in our home. No longer do I have to put together a flawless meal, served with special little individual touches for each guest.

I can just be me. If I have the time and ability to prepare an amazing meal, great. But if not, people are welcome just the same. If I have the time to pick up, sweep, mop, and carefully arrange each couch cushion, great. If not, I can still enjoy time with friends without apologies or shame. I can't speak for you, but I'll choose the freedom of hospitality over the bondage of entertaining ANY day of the week!

The Ministry of Hospitality

From Open Hearts, Open Home:

"I have discovered that even an innate inclination to hospitality must be honed and refined, imbrued and filled if it is to be more than concern about centerpieces, menus, table settings, and spotless rooms.

For Christians, hospitality is a marvelous gift of the Holy Spirit given so that we may minister to this dying society. If our hospitality is to minister, to impart to each who crosses our threshold something of the presence of Christ--if it is to transcend the human and deal in the supernatural--there must be an agony of growth, a learning, a tutoring hand of the Holy Spirit. For some, hospitality is as natural as breathing. For others, the practice must be acquired. For all, it must be nurtured."

When we ditch the Martha Stewart, TLC, keep-up-with-the-trends sort of housekeeping and entertaining model, and instead begin to think of hospitality in terms of serving and loving others, and creating an atmosphere where Christ can be clearly seen as supremely valuable (to borrow a phrase from John Piper, in his "Don't Waste Your Life" sermon), it becomes much less pretentious and overwhelming. Don't you think?

At the same time, it presents an even deeper and difficult responsibility on our part, to have homes that are welcoming, content, and simple yet challenging, just as Christ Himself was. Having an inviting and open home is something we can do in direct obedience to the Word of God (Matthew 25 and Hebrews 13), as a ministry of significance and value, regardless of what "stage" of life we're in. As women, we want our homes to look lovely and inviting, and it can be embarrassing when things are a royal mess... and yet, we must not let this goal of tidiness or presentation become an idol that takes priority over this basic welcoming spirit we're to have in the name of Jesus Christ.

I'm learning some new things about hospitality, and hope these things I'm learning might challenge and encourage you, too.

Making Hospitality Easier

The mere idea of "hospitality" can make us feel overwhelmed, but it doesn't have to be that way. A little bit of planning and a flexible, laid-back attitude makes entertaining a LOT more fun.

PLANNING: Select and cook meals that are meals geared towards groups.
One mistake I made the first few years of our marriage, when having guests over, was that I tried to cook with each individual in mind (thinking "two pork chops per adult, one pork chop per child" or whatever).

One thing I learned when we lived in China was to make several different dishes and cook for the group. For example, in American-meal terms, this might look like a chicken casserole, with garlic green beans, a salad with optional dressings and a french bread loaf. (For some of you, this all may be obvious, but for me this was insightful.) Chinese meals are designed in such a way that if someone eats more than others, it's no big deal. If an unexpected friend drops by and you want them to join you, it's no problem. But if we have pre-proportioned out how many chicken fillets we'll need for the night, then this sort of openness towards variances in a get-together is much more difficult. So instead of thinking "individual portions", I now think in terms of "group cooking" when hosting friends in our home.
PLANNING: Prepare in advance by compiling a couple of tried-and-true menus for hosting guests.It can be overwhelming to just "come up" with an appetizing meal on the spur of the moment, particularly when that might involve several different "courses" and trying to think of something appealing to kids AND adults, and something that will feed an entire group without breaking the bank. Something that helps is to compile a list of several stress-free meals that are good, dependable meals to serve to guests. (It's not usually a good idea to try brand new recipes out on a night when you're having guests!) Here are a few ideas you might not have come across:

• Mom's No-Peek Chicken: Utterly delicious and easy group meal; this was my favorite meal growing up, and it's now a family favorite around here.
• Cheesy Chicken Soup: Another great main dish, it's great for cold Fall and Winter nights. Serve with lots of bread!
• Avocado Dressing: VERY delicious salad dressing... toss with a large bowl of salad
• Gooey Bar: A wonderfully tasty dessert

If you plan out things in advance and have a few well-tested recipes, having friends over won't be near as big a burden, and you'll be able to enjoy the experience much more.

FLEXIBILITY: Don't put the pressure on yourself to have everything perfect.No one (except maybe the White House) actually has a perfect home, 100% clean and tidy at every moment with flawless meals served in pristine and completely matching dishes. It's OK. Don't strive for perfection- it's unattainable. Instead, focus your energy on having a pleasant attitude and a warm, comfortable spirit in your home. THAT is what your guests will remember most of all... "I really felt welcome and at ease in their home tonight."

It can be fun to serve a delicious meal and have people "ooh" and "aah" over a scrumptious dessert, but what is much more rewarding is to have had another family or several families over and have actually enjoyed the evening. If you can do both, GREAT. But if one has to go, skip the difficult, laborious dessert and enjoy the night with your friends. It's not worth it to stress yourself out over a meal but then not be able to relax. Give yourself the "freedom" to use mis-matched serving bowls, or to have a basic side-dish that's not "gourmet"... enjoy the nights when you have guests over, and you'll begin to find that you're much more willing to extend hospitality more frequently.

PLUS, HOSPITALITY IS BIBLICAL!
One of the hallmarks of the early church was that they shared meals, and they often spent time in each other's homes (see Acts 2 & beyond). Fellowship is a big part of being part of the Body of Christ... and opening up our homes to others enables us to open up our lives to them as well. So for my part, I don't want to stress myself out when trying to live out this aspect of Body life as a believer. I want to enjoy my role as a hostess in our home, and these things help me to have people over to our home with much less stress and much GREATER joy.

Hopefully some of these ideas will help you to live out the scriptural ideas of being hospitable and serving others with joy.

The Servanthood Paradox

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." -Philippians 2: 3-4

As I've been reading through Philippians this month, this is the section that has most grabbed my attention. Because the world tells us to "look out for number one", to "take care of yourself", to "mind your own business", etc. And the world tells us that the way to live is to climb a ladder of success, where I/you end up on top... that THAT (being on top of everyone else) will be what brings success and joy.

But the Bible says something different, which seems paradoxical. Joy is found in counting others as more significant than myself. Do I do this?, I've been asking myself.

• Do I count my husband as more significant than myself? Or do I take the "better" portion of dinner for myself? Do I seek to please him with what I cook and how I care for our home and children or is it my own interests I am most concerned with?
  
• Do I count my children as more significant than myself? Do I meet their needs with the quickness and intensity with which I would meet my own?
  
• Do I count family and friends as more significant than myself? Do I compassionately hear their concerns and diligently pray for them or am I quick to forget their hurts?
• Do I count guests in my home as more significant than myself? Do I give them the most comfortable seat and serve them, seeing to their needs?

The amazing thing I've noticed is this: as I've begun intentionally, consistently putting others' needs ahead of my own, my own joy has increased. There is legitimate joy and pleasure in meeting the needs of others and humbly taking care of those that we love.

Feminists often deride this sort of role for a female as demeaning or humiliating. But when we act as a servant, even to those with whom we are "equal", we imitate Christ Himself. Look how the passage continues on, in verses 5-7:

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."

Did you catch that? Jesus made Himself nothing. Do I make myself nothing? Or do I complain and whine and grumble if I am treated like I am nothing? (If so, I need to see Philippians 2:14-- "Do all things without grumbling or questioning...", which is probably why Paul wrote it as part of the "therefore" to this passage.)

And did you catch the other interesting thing about that passage? The mind of JESUS- the mind that makes itself nothing and serves out of humility is MINE and YOURS if you are in Christ Jesus ("which is yours in Christ Jesus"). If you are a Christian by faith in Jesus, then this attitude is YOURS for the taking! All we must do is realize that the attitude and mind of Christ is available to us, and walk in it.

What a thrill it can be to serve the people around us... I pray that these personal musings will be helpful and challenging for you as they have been for me. Blessings~

Painting: Le lavement des pieds, Corinne Vonaesch, 2001