Opt Out Of the Food Wars (Trail Blaze #11)

Confession time: I am tired of all the food wars.

Tired, tired, tired.

When I was growing up, everything was low-fat. Now, apparently, that makes you fat, no joke.

This week, it's "eat no carbs", next thing I read says 'trade off only carbs or fats as the fuel for each meal (who the HECK wants to eat a burger with no cheese or mayo?-- don't answer that and make me feel guilty- ha!), next one it's "only eat like the cavemen did." Last year was "switch to whole-grain everything," this year they're saying, "whole-grains have too much gluten." (And probably, you can find current studies saying the opposite of everything I just wrote. Please don't. I don't care anymore.)

I give up.

I don't have the energy to follow the trends.

I have OPTED OUT of the food wars.

I'm a tired mom just trying to do the best I can to feed my family. I refuse to pile guilt on myself when JUST BUYING THE GROCERIES and KEEPING THEM SEMI-IN-STOCK in our home, and KEEPING MY KIDS FED takes about all the mental capacity I have to devote to food.

Here's some things I'm thankful for: 

• I'm thankful that I can buy real food for a family of eight when so many people are losing their jobs and struggling.
• I'm thankful that I'm able to be home with them so that my time can be leveraged and make our budget stretch farther by me cooking from scratch.
• I'm thankful I have learned how to cook a number of things from scratch. (I'm no gourmet, but I can get around in the kitchen all right.)
• I'm thankful for the easy-peasy convenience foods we use from time to time (to give me a freaking break without freaking breaking our wallet).
• I'm thankful that I came to this mothering gig before the "your baby needs to eat non-GMOed-fermented-organic-kale as his first food" mantra was in existence. (OK, I don't think that's a mantra. But it's not far off from being able to be a believable mantra, right?) I'm glad I was a mom before this food stuff reached a fever pitch, because now I recognize it as unnecessary and dispensable advice.
• I'm thankful for the mental space available, and the internet access available to write to all of you ladies about this.

We mostly can't afford organic, and we don't eat the best. But we don't eat the worst either. I try to feed my family real, wholesome food, and limit the unpronounceable ingredients. I've watch the documentaries like Food Inc., Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead, and King Corn. And I try to cut through the hype and learn little bits that will help me make livable, sustainable, budgetarily-reasonable choices for our family. 

I think my kids eat more veggies than I did growing up, and last year we switched out the boxed cereals for oatmeal. Now we're switching to steel-cut. And ya know, maybe someone will release a study this week indicating that that's terrible. If so, don't write me a comment about it.

I'm just saying, we're making changes that we're pleased with.

That's my point-- 

We do the best we can. And that's all we can do for now. I bet you do too. 

I'm not going to let the scary documentaries, bully dietitians on daytime TV, latest fad diets, and baby food diet "experts" (who maybe don't even have kids themselves) make me take on a heap of guilt over something like this. And I want to encourage you not to either. 

HERE IS MY MANTRA, and I offer it to you as well:

Do the best you can. 

Live in grace. 

Drop-kick guilt to the curb every time it rears its ugly head. 

And be grateful. 

And I will too.
The end.

Blessings to you & your family,
Jess Connell

P.S. If you or your child has a medical issue or allergies with certain foods/whatever, please don't think this is an attack on you or your family. The mantra goes for you too. Hang in there. 

Seek Wisdom (Trail Blaze #10)

SEEK WISDOM

And wherever you find it, grab ahold of it, and prize it.

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.

Proverbs 4:7

NO ONE HAS IT ALL
Aside from Christ, there is no one human who has all wisdom. So decide in advance that you won't fault someone for not having all wisdom-- because no one ever will.

But there are many, many people around you right now who have some portion, however big or small, of wisdom to offer you. Seek them out. 

BE A WISDOM-SEEKING MAGNET
Invite people to dinner. Talk with people before or after church. Be receptive to them, and tune your ears to hear the lessons they've learned. Pay attention, and listen to how they interweave Scripture into their opinions, decisions, and lives. Seek to learn from them.

Take time to really get to know people. When they share the difficult stories of their life, tune in. Ask questions, and then really listen.

• "So how did you handle that news?"
• "What have you learned about parenting sons?"
• "I don't know if I could do that. How did you make that decision?"
• "Has God ever given you any answers or closure about that?"
• "Your teens seem really well-grounded. How have you raised them to have good heads on their shoulders?"

CONSIDER HOW IT CAN APPLY
Don't be a person who digs in your heels and refuses to learn from others. It really doesn't matter how much they are or aren't like you, or whether or not their life is anything like yours... everyone has lessons to teach if we are willing to hear and learn.

Purpose now that you will learn and grow from the lives of others.  

God is at work all around each of us. Stop. Listen. Look around, and find the wisdom He has put within your reach.

Hear what the people around you share, and apply it to your life, even if not all of it fits. The principles of wisdom will apply to your life, even if precise methods or details don't always line up.

God did not design us to be islands, self-sufficient, and floating through life without connection. 

We need one another, and we need to be humble enough to admit it, and to seek wisdom in the human packages God puts in front of us. (TWEET THAT.)

• Who has God put in your life that you can seek out this week? 
• Share in the comments what you plan to do to seek God's wisdom in the human packages around you.

image courtesy of ImageryMajestics/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

LOVE Your Children With Great AFFECTION! (Trail Blaze #9)

Last week, I wrote about how I stop tantrums lickety-split.

And, make no mistake, I'm an advocate for parental authority & consistent discipline:

• Hone Your 'Mommy Radar'
• When the Person That "Wears the Pants" In the Family is a Size 2T
• 4 Questions To Help You Evaluate Parenting Advice
• Train Them Until You Like Them

But it made me think-- I am coming at these things from a perspective of having GREAT AFFECTION FOR my children, and lavishing GREAT AFFECTION ON my children every day. And, sadly, I am quite certain that not everyone nowadays knows what that looks like.

This greatly affects how parenting advice plays out in the life of a family. Consistent, biblical parenting is meant to be carried out in the context of a loving, affectionate relationship.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR CHILDREN
So let me share some of the *regular* forms of affection I share with my children (currently ages 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, and 8 months). Most of these are daily, a few might be once/week-type actions or activities:

1. I tell them "good morning" every day, usually with a simple touch to the arm, or while smiling at them and cupping their chin with my hand.
2. We snuggle on the couch together, usually with the child tucked into the crook of my arm.
3. I pat their arm or give them a side hug while we talk.
4. They tell me their jokes. Even if the joke doesn't make sense (which, they mostly *don't* with kids about 7-8 and under), I smile and affirm their efforts.
5. I look them in the eyes and give them my full attention when they speak to me.
6. I try to smile big whenever I see them. This happens tons and tons of times a day.
7. We talk about what is going on in their lives-- big and small. (They show me Lego creations or drawings; I draw out deeper things from my roughly 7 and older crew when I sense that there are undercurrents of feeling left out, discouraged about something in particular, etc.)
8. I get down on the floor and wrestle & play with them, intermingling snuggles, wrestling, hugs, kisses, and laughter. I play knee bouncy games with the 7 & under crew, where they bounce on my raised legs, or where I even lift them up, cheerleader style, so they're standing on my hands (when they get older it's just too much for my hands and knees).
9. We share meals together where I sit down with them and we pray, talk, memorize Scripture together, laugh, comment about how cute their little brother is, etc.
10. One or two of them might meander into my bedroom for a snuggle first thing in the morning before we get up, bleary-eyed.
11. I shower them with kisses. This decreases in frequency as they get older.
12. I hug them often. This does not decrease in frequency.
13. We laugh together.
14. I tickle them & they ask for more tickles. (I always stop if they ask me to "stop," and they all love to be tickled. I *think* this is because they know I will not exceed their boundaries in this area. They can always say "stop" and I will, immediately.)
15. I zuburt them, and they ask for more zuburts. (After finding that link, I realize that I've been mispronouncing it-- and misspelling it-- all these years. Oh well.)
16. I rub their backs or give neck/leg massages when they seem sore/tight/achy, or are having growing pains.
17. I ask them questions like, "Do you know how special you are to me?" and "Do you know you're my favorite 9-year-old in the whole wide world?"
18. I respond to their requests to color/build blocks/design a train track/do doll hair *sometimes*. I am not primarily their playmate, but I am willing to play, from time to time, because I love them and want to spend time with them when I am free to do it.
19. They cook with me and I tell them they're doing a good job.
20. We take walks together and hold hands.
21. We dance silly together to fun music like LeCrae.
22. I tell them "I love you" often. 
23. I hug and scratch their backs.
24. We swim and play together outside.
25. I sometimes reach and hold their hand if I am in the front passenger seat and they are in a car seat, or when we are on the couch. 
26. For little babies: I keep them close in slings, sometimes. I kiss their toes, their nose, etc. We play little games where I list out all their body parts, pointing to each one and saying that God made it.
27. I listen to them. Even when it's stuff I'm not necessarily interested in (though this has it's limits. Sometimes mom has a migraine, or is cooking and focused on following a recipe, or needs quiet afternoon time, or whatever. I am not advocating for boundary-less living, but self-sacrificial love will sometimes mean listening to an extensive description of a WWII battle tank, or how our daughter just made up a nonsensical story with her My Little Ponies).
28. I talk to them. We talk about politics, what bill I'm paying and how much it is this month, why I chose to spray paint my writing desk yellow, ideas for how to build a chicken coop, reasons why we opt out of certain things in order to spend more time together as a family, etc.
29. We opt to take one or more children with us when we have an errand to run, even when we don't "have to."
30. We use LOTS of pet names (little squish, sweet potato, doodle, punkin pie, baby man, noodle baby, stinker pie, squishy-ba-dishy, little man-man, snuggle-buggle, precious baby girl, etc.).
31. As they get older (more toward 7-11+), I ask them their opinions about things... we talk about life and the implications of different decisions and I affirm whenever they display any amount of wisdom or insight.
32. I read books to them aloud (yes, even to my oldest son who in youth group).
33. We hug and kiss them goodnight, every night. 
34. We sing songs together, especially at bedtime. (Their favorite, most-requested is "Amazing Grace.")
35. I pray for them, out loud at bedtime, whenever I put them to bed. (Admittedly, bedtime is normally a daddy-duty around here, but whenever I put them to bed, I pray aloud for them.) For all of the children, I pray that they will sleep well, sleep all night, and be refreshed and ready for a new day the next morning. If anyone has been struggling with fear or night-wakings, I thank God that He tells us "Do not be afraid, for I am with you." I verbalize, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You," and ask that He would remove any fear and teach them to trust in Him. I pray for my sons that they will grow up to be honest, honorable, hard-working men who protect the women and children God puts in their lives. I pray that they will prize Scripture and become more like Jesus every day. I pray that they will be kind to one another, patient with their sister, and become servant-hearted men like their daddy. For my daughter, I pray that she will grow to be a woman who loves Jesus and knows Scripture. I pray that she will be a kind-hearted woman who uses her words to encourage and build up others. I pray that she will be a blessing to her brothers. 

One of the few things older Christian women are explicitly commanded to teach younger women is to "love their children." 

This is something that is important to understand... as Christian parents, we are not pursuing the robotic subjection of our children. We are not dictators, and they are not cowering subjects. We are pursuing a loving, affectionate relationship with them, as we train them to obey, coach them through life, teach them what's right, and help them walk in the way they should go.  

LOVING them with GREAT AFFECTION allows us to discipline them with great consistency and confidence, and enjoy life alongside them within the context of a joyful family.

What are ways you show love to your kids that you would add to my list?

FOR FURTHER READING:

• Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother by Carolyn Mahaney (One of her seven topics is how to cultivate affectionate love for our children.)
• Loving Our Children PART ONE and PART TWO
• The Mission of Motherhood: Touching Your Child's Heart for Eternity by Sally Clarkson
• Labeling VS. Loving
• Beware of Psychobabble Parenting, and Psychobabble Parenting, Part 2

Image courtesy of: StockImages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How Do You Handle Tantrums? (Trail Blaze #8)

Q: My 2.5 year old son is having tantrums, laying on the floor, thrashing and screaming. I feel like something is wrong! Is this normal? What do I do?

A: Yes, this is something "normal." Tantrums are without a doubt something you will face as mom, and every single one of my children has tried to pitch a fit, throw a tantrum, scream and fuss, whine and holler, stomp, and/or lay down and thrash on the ground (well, not Theo yet, but he's only 8 months old... give him time, and --sadly-- he will too). 

It's part of living with a little sinner who wants to go his own way. 

He thinks he knows better than you, but needs you to be firm and not let him do things like ignoring what you say, screaming, and throwing tantrums. 

EVERYTHING STOPS
The very *SECOND* something like that happens, everything in his world should come to a screeching halt until he adjusts to mom's way of thinking and acting. However long that takes. No more playing, no snack, no "first let me ____," no psychobabble/excuses. Definitely no bribing him to stop.

First things first. Use a firm voice: "Stand up and stop acting that way." See to it that he stops. When he realizes that you mean business and will not allow anything else in life to happen until he complies, he'll muster up some self-control. 

Really. So keep at it however long it takes, until he stands up (on his own two feet-- don't allow any of this pull-up-the-feet-and-refuse-to-stand business) and stops. 

Many women I encounter stop me at this point and say, "but you don't understand. My child is so stubborn/strong-willed/angry/physically strong." Yes. Yes, I understand. (See the comments for more specifics on this point.) But yes, I mean you. And yes, I mean your child, no matter how willful, difficult, or strong-willed. 

Persevere and do not let your child do anything else happen until the tantrum stops. 

[The only time I do this differently is if we are out in public, and thus subjecting others to the drama. At that point, I stop whatever I'm doing-- yes, even grocery shopping-- and either move to an out of the way place where we can talk face to face (me kneeled down at face level, or out to the car) without distractions. Do not subject others to your child's foolish, annoying, loud shenanigans. Regardless though, everything stops and we deal with the tantrum, UNTIL. Until normality of attitude is resumed.]

At that point, life goes on, pleasantly. 

COACH WITH SHORT, OBEY-ABLE SENTENCES
You coach him to do whatever it was that frustrated him, but in the way he *ought* to do it- "Ask mommy nicely for your snack," or "Ask mommy to help you put the train track together," or, "We are not leaving the store right now. You need to wait just a little longer until we finish shopping," or "You may not go outside right now. Sit here and snuggle by mom and look at books." 

Do not get into long explanations or psychoanalytical feelings-type language. If he's throwing a fit because he wanted a particular book on the store shelf, it's OK to say, "I know you wanted that book." But then move on.

Use short, obey-able sentences, like:

• "Look in mommy's eyes." (Wait for him to look. Boys can be particularly bad about this, and work fiercely to look anywhere else but your eyes. Outlast him. Block out other perspectives and direct his chin to where his face is looking at you. Do not do anything else until he looks and holds your gaze.)
• "You must not fuss that way, yes ma'am?" (I'm from the south. We say "yes ma'am." Insert the phrase of your choosing, but something where he is affirming your authority and his intention to obey. "Yes mom," "Ok, mommy," etc. are fine alternatives.)
• "Now, stop fussing." (Expect that he does. You are his right and loving authority, and he can stop himself, truly.) 
• Sometimes follow-up sentences about posture/facial expressions are necessary with this... "Pick up your head. Open your eyes. Uncross your arms." Etc. Many children display physical characteristics that let you see exactly what is going on in their hearts. Coach them to physically change their posture or facial expression from a state of grumping and slumping to an attitude and appearance of facing the world cheerfully. 

Then I help them wipe their eyes/nose/face if they need it, encourage them to take a deep breath, and then I sometimes redirect their attention to something pleasant ("Look at that kitty cat!"). Not at all in a coaxing way, but in order to help reset their minds. 

Any HINT of the return of fussiness merits the same response. Everything stops until the grumping stops. 

BE AUTHORITATIVE AND FIRM
Honestly, if you are firm and direct, every single time he does this, these outbursts will almost entirely end very soon. While my kids continue to try to have tantrums from time to time, they are shut down very quickly, and we move on to pleasant things.

In my opinion, advice like "ignore it" or "put them in their room" allows these miserable emotional (not to mention LOUD) displays to go on and on indefinitely... for minutes, or even hours at a time... and then for days upon days of walking around on eggshells, waiting for the next episode of emotional volatility or dramatic eruptions. All the while the child is developing a habit of raging about the things they want, and an unhealthy, emotional fixation on the things that irritate and bother them. These are not attitudes I want to be reinforced or unaddressed in my children's hearts and lives.

Just stop the whole thing as soon as it starts. Train your child in the way he should go-- not at all in an ugly way-- just straightforwardly. Teach him how to behave. Show him what he ought to do and do not allow dramatic nonsense to carry on and on. Within a second or two of the eruption, stop him. See that he stops. Then move on pleasantly and enjoy the day together. You may even find that by watching your children carefully, you can begin to tell when a tantrum is oncoming, and help them to stop it before it starts by coaching them through how to handle disappointment or frustration.

This is all about having firm, no-nonsense consistency. Our culture has a real authority problem, but kids recognize when someone in the room knows they are the authority. We've all seen and experienced it, where the kid who's a real pill pushes everyone around until he meets the hard-nosed teacher who won't put up with it. She's the authority and they both know it. 

So, be the authority. Not in a bullying, ugly, angry way, but in a firm, "I'm 5000% serious, and there is absolutely zero chance of this continuing to happen." sort of way.

AFTER you deal with the immediate issue of the tantrum, then you go on and parent as usual. No grumping, shock, or bitterness on your part. Be pleasant and enjoy him.

He is still your sweet boy, but he is (like the rest of us) a sinner who will fight tooth and nail to have things his own way if he possibly can. Some children absolutely put up more of a fight than others, but make no mistake-- they all want to have their own way, regardless of personality. 

Galatians 6:9 tells us not to grow weary in well doing because there is a harvest to be reaped in due time if we don't give up. You are doing well to your son when you take time to stop him, require that he stand up, stop lashing around like a foolish child, look you in the eye, be respectful, and obey your voice. You are teaching him, by the way you follow through and see that he listens to you, how he should respond to the authority and voice of God.

REMEMBER: IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY
Instead of seeing tantrums as a horrible, embarrassing thing, see it as an opportunity to address something in your child's heart that desperately needs to be dealt with. 

When your child erupts into a tantrum, God has given you a BIG moment where you can teach your child to listen to you, to trust your instructions over his/her feelings, and to have self-control in the midst of disappointment, frustration, rage, or uncertainty. This is an investment in your child's future-- you are teaching him/her to be emotionally stable and not fly off the handle into rages or controlling emotions because of life's disappointments. You are training him/her how to respond to challenges and difficulties. 

This is a golden and rich opportunity for you as the parent!

Every kid tries it. 

But it doesn't have to continue. 

It's a learning opportunity for you both, and an opportunity for him to grow in maturity and self-control. It's one of the many ways that God has put you as an influence and authority in your child's life in order for you to guide him in the way he should go.


Click here for more specifics on how to handle tantrums.

WORK On Your Marriage (Trail Blaze #7)

It's common advice, nothing fancy about it:

WORK 

ON 

YOUR 

MARRIAGE.

But that's kind of the problem, isn't it? People ignore the advice because there's nothing fancy about it.

The movies make it look so effortless. Steamy books and TV shows make it seem that every moment of a successful male-female relationship should curl-your-toes and ooze with sexiness.

But Godly people should NOT take cues from an ungodly culture. Marriage is not rocket science, but it's also not a cakewalk.

"WORK ON..."
This is the the least 'sexy' part about this advice. But the ironic part of it is that working on your marriage LEADS TO the truly sexy things of marriage.

It can seem so boring, but the reality is that WORKING on your marriage produces a marriage that is vibrant and alive. 

Recently, I got an email from a reader who asked me a lot of questions about how to stop living like roommates, and start living like lovers & friends again. After sharing a few thoughts & pointing her in the direction of an article I'd written about intentionally having "check-ups" in your marriage, she wrote back the following:

"Years ago, things like that didn't seem spontaneous enough. But now with time being of the essence, I think I see the value. You've encouraged me to be a bit bolder."

The truth is that if we act intentionally (not in a boring, plodding way, but in a purposeful way) at times when things are going well, the relationship won't deteriorate near as easily. But when we think that WORK is unnecessary (or perhaps, like she said, maybe not spontaneous or romantic or "natural" enough), then things often deteriorate to the point where it takes much more effort and work (and will probably feel more forced than it would have in the "good" times) in order to resuscitate what has lost vigor and vitality.

So, yes. WORK. Work at it.

Work diligently to invest in your marriage. 

Even though you're tired, make the effort to reach out (or respond to his suggestion) and make love. When you intentionally surrender and release yourself into the moment, you'll find it more enjoyable than you would have thought possible.

WORK to discuss things when they come up (problems between the two of you, AND just general things going on in your heart and life) so that then when you have time to be intimate, your mind, body, and soul will already be geared toward connection with and healthy relationship with your husband.

When you're broke, work to have special times together at home, even if you can't afford a date. We have been through nearly a decade at this point of having very infrequent, sometimes nonexistent date nights. When we lived overseas, opportunities to get out alone together were rare. When we had the opportunity, we took it. And when we didn't, we worked to make time where we could be alone, at home together. That meant getting the kids in bed earlier, and eschewing certain things like wrapping up the dishes or catching up on a show or e-mails so that we could spend intentional time together.

Contrary to what we are led to believe, having a healthy, fun marriage takes work.

"...YOUR..."
Your marriage.

Yours. Not your parents'. Not your best friend's. Not mine. Yours.

Comparison leads to discontentment, so don't compare your marriage to others'. Each person has their own load to carry. Catch a vision from God about what He can do in YOUR marriage. And then work on it.

Talk, intentionally, about what's going on in your marriage. Use the questions Doug & I use for annual marriage check-ups, or think up some of your own.

Here's the truth: your marriage is not magically going to go the distance. Sin, selfishness, human frailty, and time will wear on your relationship unless you are actively pouring into it.

You will not magically wake up one day at 65 or 70 years old with a God-honoring, healthy, joyful relationship with your spouse. [Click to TWEET that.] You must work at it. 

Work on YOUR marriage.

Look at the places where your particular relationship needs effort. Just like each garden has its own spots that can get out of control, and no two gardens are identical, the same is true for marriage.

Your friends may have trouble communicating. Perhaps your husband is non-responsive in the bedroom. Maybe your mom was domineering toward your dad, but you have the opposite problem: you're a doormat. Maybe your sister-in-law is a great homemaker but your giftings lie elsewhere.

Don't look at other people to try to determine what YOU need to work on in your marriage. Examine YOUR marriage. 

Determine where YOU need to be at work in it, and how you can develop oneness with your husband. Catch a vision for what your marriage can look 25, 40, 50 years from now. 

And then get after it. Get to work.

"...MARRIAGE."
This is not a business partnership or a roommate situation. You are not merely raising children together, nor are you only sexually connected. This is not a train track situation where you lead lives endlessly pointed in the same direction, but never actually connect.

God means for you to be knit together with your husband. This means that you need to be connected- living your lives together. Intentionally growing, intentionally connecting... sharing your dreams and hopes and lives. Iron sharpening one another, each of you propelling the other closer to Christ, and closer to Christlikeness, than you would by yourself.

Caring for one another, you are each nourished and stronger than you could be on your own.

OR NOT.
OR, you can NOT work on your marriage. Keep going as you always have. Keep getting what you've always gotten.

The choice is yours, and mine, to make today and every day from this point forward.


Good marriages don't just happen. They take work. 

[TWEET THAT.]



ARTICLES TO HELP YOU WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE:

• The Intentional Marriage - PRACTICAL TIPS FOR A STRONG MARRIAGE
• STUDY YOUR HUSBAND- Pay attention to what YOUR man prefers/enjoys.
• The Annual Marriage Questionnaire- QUESTIONS FOR INSIGHTFUL DISCUSSION 
• Intimate Deprivation- Can a Christian couple have a sexless marriage?
• WHEN SEX DRIVES DON'T MATCH- John Piper weighs in
• COMPARING YOUR SPOUSE- Allistair Begg's wise encouragement about marriage.

Images courtesy of StockImages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Being MOM-- Good Stewardship of My Time & Energy (Trail Blaze #6)

WOMAN HOLDING A BALANCE,
 Johannes Vermeer, c. 1662-1665

Being a mom of a small tribe has taught me certain things. 

One of those is that I am not a limitless person. I used to feel that way... like I could do anything, go anywhere, pile on the commitments, handle anything life could throw at me, and accomplish it all with strength, skill, and passion.  

But I am learning that there is a limit-- that I have true human limitations-- and that once certain things are used up, they are used up. 

And (taking it a step further-- to the practical level) once it's used up, there are people in my home who will suffer if they have needs that I can not meet because I have spent myself, my time, & energy elsewhere.

I am responsible for being a good steward of my own energy, time, and life. There is no one to blame but me if my time and energy are ill-used. But God can help, and is helping, me to change.

Once I realize that I have used my time or energy in ways that are unwise, I can ask myself:

• IS IT SIN?-- sometimes I am willfully using my energy in ways that God never asks me to do, or even tells me not to do, and I am responsible for that. In this case, I need to confess that and choose to walk in ways that will be a wise use of my resources... seeing myself as a steward of *me*.
• IS IT NEGLECT?-- sometimes I am carelessly, unintentionally expending my energy on things that are not fruitful. In this case, I need to be more purposeful, examining where my time and energy are going, and living with intentionality.
• IS IT KNOW-HOW?-- sometimes my energy is poorly used because I don't know what I should be doing, or because I don't know how to do what I do in a way that helps me to steward it wisely. In this case, I need to learn and acquire skills that help me to use my energy in a more reserved way. (Things like freezer cooking, meal planning, arranging a closet so clothes are better accessible and kids don't end up going through more outfits than they should in a day, and learning to keep up with dishes more quickly could fall into this category.)
• IS IT SOMETHING ELSE?-- talking about these things with Doug helps me. He sees my life from a different angle and can reflect back to me what he's seeing. It's usually encouraging, in that he sees way more good than I do, but occasionally it's challenging, and he points out something I'm doing that is not fruitful. Either way, it's helpful to think through life with intentionality, and to specifically ask my husband for his input.

Whatever the case, ultimately I am responsible for how I use what God has given me-- my time & energy in particular. 

I can spend my time & energy fruitlessly, or I can live with purpose, according to the guidance God has given me. (Click here to tweet that.)

What about you? Please share in comments--

• Do you push yourself too far and try to do too much?
• Where in your life do you need to seek balance and stewardship?
• What would it look like for you to see yourself as a "steward" of YOU?

The Truth About Quality Time (Trail Blaze #5)

It can be easy, as a stay at home mom, to forget the significance of what you are doing.

In our modern busy-busy-busy, degreed, careered, materialistic, overcommitted society, it is easy to devalue the perfect normalcy of the simple everyday routine, and how that will sear warmth and joy and security into our children's souls.

For example, studies continually show that sit-down meals as a family echo out for decades into a child's future.  That one action affects things like a child's performance in school, likelihood to try drugs, and future obesity levels.  The family dinner, that used to be a given in virtually every home, is now almost a radical act of cultural disobedience.

We are incomparably blessed as mothers.  

There is no role in society like ours.

I am fairly confident that I could rival any supermodel in the amounts of flowers I've been given (if dandelions count), the number of smiles I've gotten, the number of times someone has clamored for my attention, and the number of compliments I've been given in my life.   On the rare day when I wear a necklace to church, I'll hear--multiple times over-- some variation of: "I wike yo pitty neck-us mommy."

Truly, it is a rich blessing to have precious uniquely-built souls looking to you, smiling at you, reaching out arms to you, with little hearts eager for your notice of their latest accomplishment.  Each child watches and learn from mom about the world-- and each child offers love with such open, tenderhearted affection.

Eternal significance oozes out of the pores of the pregnant mother.  

Until this last century, every single human being knew it, and reverenced it.   

As the pregnant woman nurtures a new life, she is brought near to the Creator-- the giver of souls-- and she watches as His creativity is revealed yet again right before her eyes: 

• The miraculous first hours of wonder, awe, fear, and reverence with a new baby roll over into 
• Sleepless nights, which roll over into 
• A new normal as a family, which rolls over into 
• Getting to know a new little blossoming personality, which rolls over into 
• Following this little wandering soul around your house 24/7 because they're too little to really understand words and rules and no-nos, but just big enough to be curious about everything and just risky enough to try to find out, which rolls over into
• Defiance and determination the likes of which you're convinced the world has never seen, which rolls over into
• Figuring out house norms and rules together as parents and child, which rolls over into
• Repetitive daily life.

And it's that last one that really seeps into all of the others.  

It's that last one-- repetitive daily life-- that can cause some mothers to think, "this is dull/unimportant/insignificant."   

It is easy to believe lies about what is significant.  

We all want to believe that what we are doing is weighty.  

We are bombarded by worshipful images and messages that communicate that career-minded workaholic women are to be admired.  Society repetitively communicates to us that "me-time", mani/pedis, perfect hair, and dream-chasing are where joy, dignity, and value will be found.  

Scant few of us have witnessed, at an age we can remember it, a determined, devoted, disciplined mother loving and serving and joyfully, productively passing days alongside her children.  

(Psst.  Even though you may not have seen an example of the kind of mother your child needs for you to be, you are utterly irreplaceable in the life of your child.  You are one of a kind, and God has uniquely fitted you for the position He's put you in as a mother.   What's more, this is the one crack at life that you-- and your child-- get.)

Last night I went out to finish up the project that has taken up my extra time for weeks-- the one where I bit off more than I can chew and yet here I am, still chewing, and miraculously it's coming along like I hoped it would-- building the chicken coop.  

I walked out to the workshop alone, and brought my phone and earbuds so I could listen to a sermon and have a little down time.  

But almost immediately after I walked into the workshop, I heard the door open and close behind me.  

Baxter (my 9-year-old) asked if he could help build the coop.  So moments later, we were nailing reclaimed boards up for siding on my blueprint-less chicken coop when he said, "it's amazing that you can just think up and do something like this, ya know?" 

(While I'd like to let his comment hang in ambiguity so that you all would think he was saying that about me, I should clarify that he was saying this about the universal "you," as in, "it's amazing that a person can just think up and do something like this.")  

So then Baxter and I shared an inspiring-to-me exchange about how God has made us humans creative, like Him, and how incredible it is-- the things we can accomplish, when we put our minds to it.  I told him how excited I was to see what God would give him to think up and do in his lifetime.

Those moments just happen.  And we can't script them.

They are the overflow.  Special moments of encouragement, conversation, and soul-building are what happens as time marches on and the little days with infants roll over into exhausting days spent training toddlers to be pleasant and abide by rules, which roll over into enjoyable days spent with older children.  

THE TRUTH ABOUT QUALITY TIME

The truth about quality time... and I hesitate ever-so-slightly to say it because I wish you could hear my heart in it... but the truth about quality time is this:

Quality time is a myth made up by busy people.

Quality time is experienced in the unexpected moments that crop up during quantity time.

And we instinctively know this to be true, because we experience it in our other relationships and areas of life.  

When we have a mad-dash crammed-full-of-relatives holiday, we don't feel that we've suddenly gotten to know their hearts and seen a glimpse of their souls.  We've gotten a quick-and-dirty update.  We've seen their pretty, cleaned-up-like-it-won't-be-for-the-rest-of-the-year house, and they've seen us in our well-chosen outfit that hides our postpartum fat rolls as best we are able.  We've all stuffed ourselves with food and information, and we go home full but not truly satiated.

We know it when we take a May-term class and get the "gist" of the class, but miss out on the regular interactions with a wise professor that shape our souls in unexpected and foundational ways.  The 3-week quick version simply can not provide the same experience that a semester-long, week-in, week-out class provides.

A fast food meal, passed through a window, fills the belly, but does not in any way compare to a sit-down meal, cooked by the home or restaurant chef, accompanied by good conversation and time to laugh and relax.

When we finally meet "the one," we ache to be together.  One date every so often would not produce the kind of relationship that satisfies... no, sometimes it is difficult to even say goodbye at night (even when we know we'll see each other early the next morning).  We long to KNOW and be KNOWN... our souls long to connect with another human being in intimate, satisfying, mutually beneficial, secure ways.  

The truth we all know is that quality time happens in beautiful, unplanned moments of quantity time.   

What have you experienced in your family?  What do you think about the quality/quantity time dichotomy?

Not Going to Bed Angry (Trail Blaze #4)

From the very beginning of our marriage, we've made it a priority to not go to bed angry.

"Do not let the sun go down on your anger" ~Ephesians 4:26

The Bible lays this out as a clear principle, and someone, at some point counseled us about how important it was.  So we didn't.  And the first few times it felt so pointless.  Several times we stayed up until 2 or 3am just working through an argument to get to the point of forgiveness, or at least mutual understanding where anger was not present, and we could move forward in unity as a "team".

Sometimes it's been him and sometimes it's been me, but each of us has been angry enough to want to pitch this rule if not for the other hounding us to not let the issue carry on into the next day.  The result has been that we don't seethe, stacking up our bitterness and anger and frustrations one on top of the other.

It has taught us to work through conflict at the time that it comes up, and not let it build up to a fever pitch of fury and loathing.

Just a few months ago, after a disagreement of some kind (of course now I don't even remember what it was), I quietly grabbed my things and sneaked out to the couch... I was hell-bent, stubborn in my refusal to grab my pillows and head back to bed.  (I will not share with you the thoughts going through my head but suffice it to say I was NOT thinking nice things.  I was ready to sit on that couch until the end of time.)  But he came out and pursued me... reminded me how much more important our relationship is than a little sleep... we worked through it and went to bed at peace-- unified.

Even after all these years, it did not come naturally to work through problems.  It still takes effort from us both in order to make it happen.  Him pursuing me, and me yielding... or me pursuing conversation with him, and him entering into that communication.

It is so easy to let momentary frustrations carry the day (or the night) and keep you in a state of unforgiveness and anger, but it is so much better to force communication (even when we don't want to!) in order to pursue peace in our marriages.

Don't let the anger of one stupid argument (that you won't even remember later) stack up bitterness in your relationship.  Maintain peace and unity as the "status quo" of your relationship.

Cut Out the Unhelpful (Trail Blaze #3)

1 Corinthians 6:12-- "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be dominated by anything.

In this season as a mom of several little ones, I have come to believe that it is significant-- crucial, even-- for us to guard our hearts and minds by prayerfully cutting out things that are unnecessary and unhelpful.  When we are living with increased hormones, and the daily wonderful but nonetheless real responsibilities and stresses of life with young children (including its physical and mental demands), we are under great strain.

Our culture bears the signs of this-- the rise of postpartum depression, a grasping for "me time", an insistence by those who choose to avoid it in some way - "Oh, I could never (FILL IN THE BLANK: stay home, homeschool, have that many children, give up my career, have them that close together)" -- these things hint at the reality of the difficulty of this season.  Others see it, and we feel it.

And God Himself sees it... Isaiah 40:11 says that our Shepherd "gently leads those who are with young."  He knows that we are under great strain, and need to be handled gently when we are in this season of mothering young lambs.


In that same vein, I have learned to deal gently with myself-- giving myself grace and space to breathe and have a little spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional margin.  Like the woman to the right, we are faced with an overwhelming number of possibilities, and our culture encourages us to go-go-go-go-go.  Our lives have only so many hours, only so much physical and emotional strength to exert, only so many things we can be committed to do and do well.  So I try to carefully weed out unhelpful things that add strain and stress to my life.

Examples in my life of this are:

• Too many outside activities-- Instead of finding a place of stillness and quiet, our hearts have a tendency to churn...  to commit to a gazillion "opportunities" for our children that in actuality require a pace that is exhausting and draining for everyone... to be busy and going, virtually all the time.  Our culture (even church culture sometimes) places great value in activity and encourages us to place value in investing in OTHER people rather than our own families... to call OTHER service "ministry" but not that which happens within our own four walls... to look for satisfaction, entertainment, thrills, and distraction outside of our homes rather than in the relationships and eternal beauty of what happens inside of our homes.  For my part, I try to carefully limit how often we are out and about, and choose to spend the vast majority of our time and energy at home.  I'm an extrovert, and I enjoy being out and about... that's not it.  And our children are actually quite enjoyable to take to stores, go thrifting with, or steal away to a bookstore for an afternoon with... that's not it either.  They also are very good at athletics and fine arts so it's not that they can't be successful or that we are opposed to those activities. It is simply this: when we are outside our home, running around, we are much more likely to settle for distractedness rather than engaging in relational growth and intentional interaction... when we are going places, we are-- in our souls-- constantly disrupted, distracted, wandering.  There is a beauty and rarity in having a quieted and contented soul, and I find that being home-- truly staying home-- (at least, most of the time) feeds that quietness and gives us all time to be "at rest." This may not hold true indefinitely but for this season of having little ones, it is a beautiful thing that I can testify feeds the souls and bodies of each member of our family.  
• News-- for me, in this season, I've found that the news is an unhelpful and disconcerting intrusion into my life.  There are only rare moments where something truly necessary is shared on the news, and even then I know it will be told to me other ways.  If I hadn't had CNN on the morning of 9/11, I still would've learned about it within plenty of time.  If I didn't already know that we were under a tornado watch last week, the texts from Doug & Cate would have alerted me to it.  When I do (rarely) watch a news program now, I am appalled at the depth of darkness and depressing topics.  Abductions, sexual assaults, scandals, "entertainment" news (filled with sexual topics and divorce-type "news"), and far-off disasters fill the 30-minutes or hour.  As a mom with so many things on my mind, so many concerns in my heart to pray about, watching the news is worse than a mindless distraction-- it feeds fear, anxiety, anger, and discontentedness, and also stirs up discontentedness and judgment about other people.  For many years now, I have opted out of news 99.9% of the time, and I am more at rest because of it.  I still check yahoo! headlines for huge-mega-world-important-sized news, but aside from that, I try to exercise self-control and not take on stress, depression, and burdens that I can do nothing about when there is so very much right in front of me requiring my mental and emotional exertion.
• Shopping as a boredom-fixer or pick-me-up-- Shopping malls are designed to make us discontent with our lives.  Catalogs, online retailers, marketing e-mails, and more, all call out to us: "come, spend your money here on this cute tunic dress, this new diet book, this great kitchen gadget, this trendy piece of jewelry, this adorable pair of summer slip-ons, this bestselling novel... etc."  But there is no bottom to this money pit.  There will always be a new trend, a new book at the top of the list, a new diet everyone's "raving" about, a new "must have" item for your home.  No store or retailer wants you to keep your money in your pocket.  Shopping as a distraction from real life is not the answer to depression, discouragement, boredom, frustration, bitterness, a difficult relationship, or physical/mental/spiritual exhaustion.  At best it is a temporary fix that drains your resources.  At worst, it can land you in debt and lead your heart to believe that things will make you happy.  That things are where your treasure is.  That things are what make you valuable, pretty, or unique.  I am not perfect at this (bookstores are my weakness) but this is an unhelpful habit (just cruising the mall/glancing through the catalog/browsing amazon wishlists) that I have tried to cut out of my life.  When LLBean or Coldwater Creek send me their catalogs, unless I'm looking for a particular item that I have in mind right then, I go ahead and pitch the catalog right away.  When a retailer sends me a coupon, I flag it in my e-mail box so I can go back and find it if I need it, but I don't go to their website to begin scouring for something-anything-please-please-please to spend it on.  Shopping is not the answer to my boredom or discouragement, and admitting that and finding ways to deal with it has been a reality check for my soul, and has been a gift to our pocketbook.

These are three "unhelpful" tendencies I've tried to eliminate from my life.  Can you think of any unhelpful things you've eliminated from your life or home?  Are there things God would have you eliminate, even for a season, to feed your soul and body and give you rest?  I welcome your comments.

Form vs. Heart (Trail Blaze #2)

It is so easy to get trapped (as a mom, as a woman, as a wife, as a child of God) in thinking that a particular *form* is what's needful, rather than understanding that it is the heart with which God is concerned.  Don't fall into this trap!

I'll offer one example, but it's merely an example... an example of a "good thing" that can be elevated to a "necessary thing" if you look at the form, rather than the heart of the matter:

THE 5AM "QUIET TIME"
For example- the 5am quiet time.   Is this necessary?  Some bloggers and books seem to communicate that waking before your children is the "right" thing to do.  That if you're godly enough, if you prepare enough, if you are diligent enough (see how all this depends so stringently on *you* being good enough?), then you'll make a way for this to happen.  "Because if God's Word is important to you," their 'wisdom' goes, "you'll make Scripture the first priority in your life."

Well, I would argue with that line of thinking for many reasons--

1. Your priorities in life do not always/necessarily line up with the chronology of your day.  Sometimes you do something first because it makes sense to do it first, not because it's necessarily the most important, or because it's the most valuable to you.  Sometimes you put off something that is extremely valuable to you because you want to be able to give it your best attention or focus.  The timing is not always the key factor in whether something is a priority to you. 
2. This way of thinking completely dismisses the idea of seasons in a woman's life.  God Himself, in Isaiah 40:11 among other places, indicates that expectations differ based on the stage a "sheep" is in. One who has only young children, a nursing baby, a child with special needs, or other unique demands, is simply in a different stage than someone with teenagers, a college student, or an empty nester.  
3. It smacks of pharasaical thinking.  One description that sticks out for me (of the Pharisees) is this one (Matthew 23:4) : 

They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. 

Christian woman, don't get caught up in thinking that because someone else does something a certain way that you must emulate her form!

Focus on the heart...  if you find someone you look up to, imitate what is godly about her heart... her motivations... her character.  But eschew ways of thinking that would convince you that you need to follow and subscribe to the specific details of someone else's life (the curriculum she uses, the time or method of her Bible study, the cleaning schedule she follows, her convictions about intimacy/ food/ birth control/ etc.).

Don't Be a Slave to Homeschool Curriculum (Trail Blaze #1)

I'm starting a new series today that will address random topics, that I'm hoping will be like intentional "blazes" left on a trail.

I don't mean by that that everyone must walk the same road or choose the same things that I do... but just like a hiker will paint a certain colored mark on a tree indicating, "I went this way," that's my intent in this series: to share ideas, trails, perspectives that have been helpful for me and continue to be fruitful for me as I walk this journey of life.  To share the path I've taken, or the things I'm learning on the path.

At no point do I intend to set up a new form of legalism or a "method" by which you will be more holy or more right if you follow "my way"... but I do want to share ideas and patterns of thought that have been helpful in my life, marriage, parenting choices, homeschooling career, etc.

I'll call each one a "blaze" (like the painted trail markers I referenced above).  This is Blaze #1: Don't be a Slave to Homeschool Curriculum.
--------------------------------------------------------

One thing I've seen a good bit of in our 6 years of homeschooling (not to mention the decade+ watching homeschoolers before we ever had children) is families/women who are slaves to their curriculum.

"ONE RIGHT WAY"
One "ditch" I've seen people fall into with curriculum is the ditch of thinking that only one curriculum is the right way.  These homeschoolers have become a slave to one particular method/curriculum.

It could be that it's seen as a "godly" curriculum... could be that it's perceived as the most successful, or "educationally rigorous"... could be that they view other forms as too confining ...could be that it's what someone they admire uses.  The reason isn't as important to me as the fact that I've seen it happen enough (in a variety of styles of homeschooling) that it is evident to me that too many people become married to the particular "form" of homeschooling they use, rather than letting the form serve the larger goals for parenting, training, sharpening, and shaping their children.

"NEVER SATISFIED"
The other "ditch" I've seen is that of being a curriculum/style hopper.  These homeschoolers seem to think that if they could *ONLY* find the "right" way, their homeschool days would flow better, their kids would learn better, their patience would stretch farther, they'd find more joy in their schooling choices, their kids would obey better, etc.  So they hop from one thing to another.  They might try workbooks, co-ops, "whole book" curricula, DIY piece-it-together curriculum, this and that math program, this and that handwriting system.  One semester they might be "unschoolers," and then another they might be enrolled in several co-ops and using workbooks on top of it.

Whether out of a lack of confidence, or boredom, or for some other reason, these women quickly tire of the current choice, and are almost always on the lookout for the "next best thing."  Certainly, there are crummy curriculum choices... either crummy in and of themselves, or crummy because they don't suit the particular teacher or learner using them.  And certainly some curricula are more biblical, or will be better suited to a wider variety of learners, etc.  And different methods/approaches will produce different results and different attitudes within the hearts and minds of those using them.  But no curriculum or method, in and of itself, is a savior.  Some will "fit" better than others, but none will magically solve every problem you face.

SO THEN, WHAT IS THE ANSWER?
To answer these "ditches", I don't have a one-size-fits-all answer.

I would encourage different homeschool moms in different ways.  One might need to hear: "don't focus in on using THIS METHOD so much as in reaching your child's heart!", and another might need to hear: "stop jumping around so much.  Pick a solid, mainstream math curriculum (one of the tried and true) and unless there are real learning issues involved, stick with it for several years.  Don't handicap your child by continually jumping from one to another which will end up creating gaps in their math education."  Some moms need to hear, "lighten up and let your kids enjoy learning!"  And some probably need to hear, "buckle down and don't leave your children at a disadvantage because of your own lack of self-discipline."

The main thing I want to say is, rather than being a slave to your homeschool curriculum (whether by believing that only one method is the "best" and overlooking issues arising with your family because of the problems with it, or by hopping so much that you and your kids never have time to stop and really adjust to and absorb the material), let your curriculum serve your family's needs.  It's fine to stick with one curriculum all the way through, and it is fine to use a wide variety of materials and methods as you teach your children... the main thing is to let nothing enslave you.

Keep the end in mind as you determine which "means" you will use to get there.  Pray and seek guidance from the Spirit.  Talk with your husband, and let his warnings and cautions and insights ruminate in your heart.  Seek counsel, if need be, from wise men and women who are farther down the "road" than you.

Rather than focusing on finding the "perfect" curriculum, or having the "perfect" homeschool family, focus on following the Spirit's leading for what God has planned for your family in this season.  Trust that He will lead you.  And then don't get sidetracked from that vision.  Let the curriculum serve you, and the purposes God has laid out for you.  And then be at peace.



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