Single OR Married: Intimacy = Not a Sliding Scale, But a Step

Dr. Michael Lawrence, a Pastor at Capitol Hill along with Mark Dever and others, put out what I think is an EXCELLENT series on Christian sexuality, dating, and marriage, with one topic directed at men, one topic for women, and Q & A sessions for both groups.

Jerod has grouped them all here in one nice & neat blog post for ease of accessibility. Each selection takes roughly one hour, and they are all highly relevant and quite engaging. Please take time to listen to any and all of them that fit your needs or interest.

I want to share one particular clip that gives a taste of the unique wisdom you'll find in the series, and also invite you to share your thoughts about this quote in the comments. After explaining that the act of sex is a part of marriage, he asks:

What about everything else, though? What about everything that falls short of actual sexual intercourse/penetration?

Well, I think typically, we as evangelicals have bought into a very secular idea that views other acts of sexual intimacy on a sliding scale. And we all in our own minds, in our own conscience, try to draw a line somewhere. And we say, "Okay, on this side of the line, that's far enough away from sex that it's okay, and on that side of the line, okay, that's beginning to feel enough like sex that it must not be OK, or it might lead in the wrong direction."

I want to suggest to you that when God created sex, He knew what He was doing. And He created sex and sexual intimacy and all the things that are associated with sexual intimacy, in such a way that they work really well. The married men in the room know what I'm talking about.

What I want to say to you single men is that most of the things, well, probably all the things that you put on this side of the line that are "safe", and you think in your dating/courtship relationship, "I can do this because it's not sex", married men do with their wives and they call it foreplay. And the reason they call it foreplay is because God designed it in such a way that it leads to sexual intercourse.

It's like a one-way street. There are a lot of things that you pass on this one way street called "sexual intimacy", and there are a lot of things you can do on that one way street short of actual intercourse. But God made that street to run in one direction. It's heading somewhere, guys, and you know it's heading somewhere. That's why you like it; that's why it feels good. Because God designed those things to lead you to enjoy an experience of that full intimacy in the context of marriage.

So I want to suggest that at even the pragmatic level, if you don't intend to go where that street's leading you, then don't get on it. ...Sexual intimacy is designed to escalate and proceed to a goal that God designed. Foreplay works; it gets you to sex. If you buy the biblical teaching that sex is designed for marriage only, then don't start playing with the things that lead you there.

He later makes the point that intimacy should not be seen as a sliding scale, where you kind of slide into intimacy--but rather, as a step, where once you get married, you step into a relationship that now includes the sexual intimacy that you have not enjoyed prior to that point.

I wish I had heard such straightforward, commonsense advice when I was a teen & college student. I certainly fell into the trap of thinking of sexual intimacy as divided into two categories: actual sex, and "things other than sex". This kind of transparency about God's design for & God's delight in marital intimacy is so crucial in this day and age when sexual intimacy is treated as just another valid option on the smorsgasborg of enjoyable choices for a date night as a single. Putt-putt? Make out so he'll ask me out again? See the latest movie? Wear something revealing since it's our third date?

Clearly, the current system and view of sexuality (even in Christian circles) isn't producing successful and faithful marriages. Or even, as it often promises, more "free" and happy people. In fact, when we follow the cultural systems presented to us, it leads to bondage, depression, and brokenness. I think this kind of biblical picture of intimacy needs to be painted loudly and often to this oversexualized-in-all-the-wrong-ways world.

So tell me your thoughts. Dating. Intimacy. What's expected. Why you think this advice is right/wrong. How we can communicate these things to our children and offer this kind of biblical view of intimacy as God's gift to married couples.

Let's talk about it!

Considering Marriage? Can You Respect Him?

Ephesians 5 contains one of the most oft-referenced sections on marriage in the Bible. Verse 33 in particular is a verse that we wives in particular need to pay better attention to:

"Let each one of you love his wife as himself,
and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

We in our culture, particularly as women, are fed an incomplete picture of marriage: that it is all about love. We want to be "in love"... we want to feel "madly, deeply" in love. And we, frankly, have a wrong picture and idea of what true love really is. But that's a subject for another day.

But when a young woman is considering marrying a young man, she (most typically) wants to be "swept off her feet" and feel butterflies in her stomach. This is what our culture has geared us to desire-- the feelings-- the swoon-- the weak knees. But there's a much more important issue that ought to be considered:

Can you respect him? DO you respect him?

When we focus solely on love, we too often miss this more important biblical command... that we, as wives, are to respect our husbands. [We are to show love one to another, but husbands are the ones with the specific command to love their wives, while the wives' command is to respect her husband.]

PROBLEMS ARISE WHEN RESPECT IS LACKING
Shaunti Feldhahn's book, "For Women Only", shed some great light on this subject-- essentially, proving that the greatest need men feel (and the greatest lack most men are feeling) is that they are not respected by their wives. When a husband feels disrespected by the one person in life whose opinion (at least at one time) mattered most to him, it becomes increasingly difficult for him to feel successful in other areas of life (work, ministry, friendships, parenting, etc.).

Oftentimes, what will end up happening is that if there is an area where a man feels more respected (perhaps at work, perhaps with a particular person, perhaps in a certain role), he begins to invest more in that place, person, or role because there is the reward of respect from that investment of his time. This is how affairs often start. This is how workaholics are fueled. This is how a dad spends more time coaching others on a team than actual time spent one-on-one with his own child (because he perhaps receives respect and feels rewarded by the "position" of coach).

When men don't feel respected, particularly by their wives, all sorts of problems arise. And God knew this. Which is why He wrote it into His plan for marriage... instructing wives to respect their husbands.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ALREADY MARRIED:
It can be tough. Particularly if you married an unbeliever. Perhaps you married a Christian, but he has backslidden. Perhaps you married someone who has radically changed since your early days of dating. Maybe your husband has made poor financial decisions or career moves. Regardless, our responsibility, as wives, is to "respect".

Think of at least one way that you can begin showing greater respect for your husband. Have you ever written him a letter telling him how much you respect him and a few (or many) reasons why? Perhaps you could spend 1 minute each day this week hugging him and telling him something in particular that you respect him for. (It can be as simple as, "I respect you for getting up each morning and going to work to provide for us", or as detailed and involved as you want it to be.) You may remember that one of my New Year's goals is to begin more intentionally giving verbal respect to Doug-- encouraging him and praising him for the man that he is- not only to him, but to others. We all can (and should) find ways to show greater respect to our husbands, particularly in this culture which tells us to seek- rather than to give- respect. Our husbands need and greatly desire our respect.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO AREN'T YET MARRIED:
There's nothing wrong with feelings. They are fine and good, and do help to knit our hearts together. But more urgently, you need to ask yourself, as a Christian woman, "CAN I RESPECT THIS MAN?" If there is a man you are dating, engaged to, or considering marrying, or if there's a man that you've been eying, before you make the commitment, and before you let things go farther, ask: "will I be able to respect him?"

Consider some of these things:

- Can I respect the work that he does?
-Can I respect the relationship he has with God?
- Will I respect him as the spiritual leader of our home?
- Can I give him verbal respect in the presence of others?
- Can I respect his leadership on moral issues (how to raise any children God may give, how many children to have, what kind of church to attend, etc.)?
- Will I respect him in social situations and his interactions with others (with my family, with his family, at get-togethers, etc.)?
- Can I respect his personality style (i.e., Will I resent it when he's not the first one in line for a promotion? Will I resent it if he IS the first one in line for a promotion? Will his sense of humor grate on me and make me resent him? Will I be frustrated by his seriousness?)?
- Can I respect his financial position and continue respecting him if it changes for the worse?
- Can I respect him in sickness and in health (his or mine)? For richer or for poorer? For better or for worse? For the rest of my life?

- Am I really aware that by marrying this man, in order to obey God, I am choosing to respect this man for the rest of our lives?

Tough questions. But they are much better asked on the front end than on the back end. I'll admit, I didn't think in terms of "respect" when I got married. I thought in terms of love, communication, compatibility, and friendship. I DID think in terms of mutual respect, but I confess that I was more concerned about making sure that I was receiving "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" than making sure from my heart that I could give it. (Incidentally, though sung by the soulful Aretha Franklin, that song, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T", was written by a man--which certainly enforces the idea of how critical respect is to men.)

If you are married, I would encourage you to consider these things- and make a change or two in how you may interact with your husband. If you aren't yet married, I would urge you to consider these things as you look at potential spouses, and as you frame the issue of marriage in your mind.

ADVICE & ANSWERS: Dating Without Direction

A reader sent this question in this week:

This is not my situation, but is happening to a friend of mine, Michelle, and we are perplexed. There is a man at her church that she spends a lot of time with, and they often go to plays, dinner, etc., together. (She's 30, he's maybe 28. They're in the same age range.) They have never "called" their outings dates, but for all intents and purposes, they seem to be.

However, it's been over a year, and no romantic feelings have been expressed, even though my friend has them and it appears the man has them for her. It seems as though he might just be shy about bringing it up, and Michelle's thing is that she doesn't want to be the pursuer in the relationship. She wants to be pursued!

So my question is this: when is it appropriate to "pull a Ruth," if you will, and also, how would she go about doing this? (Obviously, the situation is different cause this guy isn't Michelle's "kinsman redeemer", but ya know!) ;)


So, Making Home readers, full of wisdom and a variety of life experiences, what say you? How would you advise Michelle in this situation? What would you say to her if she was your friend and came to you for advice? Leave your answers in the comments!

ADVICE AND ANSWERS: When a Woman Doesn't Want Children

Today's "Advice & Answers" question comes from an anonymous reader. It was actually asked as a comment to a previous post, but I thought it was an interesting question for all Making Home readers to consider, not just those who happened to read the comments of that particular post.


So here's the question:


"What about women who don't want children at all, and would rather have a career only? Maybe marriage, maybe not? Is this sinful?"


So what say you? Mind you, this situation is not asking about someone who *can't* have children, or who has medical difficulties and may not be able to have children. This question is about a woman who doesn't *want* children.

So, biblically speaking, if a woman knows she doesn't want children, is she free to marry? Any other thoughts, answers, or advice you'd have in response to a question like this? Can't wait to hear your thoughts on this interesting question!

Premarital Primer

A good friend of mine recently wrote me, asking what I would say to a couple who is about to begin premarital counseling- what they need to talk about, and what advice I might give. And here's what I came up with (as always, feel free to comment or add your own advice in the comments!):

The main thing I would tell any engaged couple is this: TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!! If something comes to your mind, you might as well talk it through! Honest, loving communication is the BIGGEST factor that I see in successful, lasting marriages.

You'll never be sorry that you discussed something in advance of making the biggest human commitment of your life. 
SOME SPECIFIC THINGS TO TALK ABOUT:

• How each of your parents' marriages worked-- the pros & cons, and strengths & weaknesses
• Be COMPLETELY open and honest about who you REALLY are- when no one's looking, what REALLY gets you mad/sad/frustrated/etc. Talk about your real weaknesses- the ugliest things from your past that no one else knows... he should know yours and you should know his.
• The situations that seem far-off... what to do about birth control? how many kids to have? whether you dislike some particular age of children? whether either of you have fears about having children, or having boys, or girls? Schooling preferences (though this is not set in stone, obviously, it's good to know if one partner is anticipating homeschooling while the other thinks public school is good life preparation.)?
• Household things - how you'll split household duties
• How you are with pain/sickness... how much you depend on medicine... (by that I mean that some people never take anything, and some people take Tylenol and Sudafed at the drop of a hat- that might be good to know).  Plus it's good to know if your future spouse is a real weenie about pain or will tough it through most anything... it's just good to know in advance.
• What your feelings are about ailing relatives, aging parents... how much will that affect your work and home? If someone is dying will you want to go visit before they die, and/or after? Will you want to take them in and care for them or will you be prepared to help a sibling or facility take care of them in your stead?
• Talk about how you both feel about the roles of a man and woman. Find out the REAL scoop- not to discourage you but to prepare you realistically... how much of this will be your responsibility or his? Does he like certain chores more than others? Do you? Find out who does which chores in your parents' homes: cutting the grass, doing dishes, cleaning the garage, cleaning the kitchen, maintaining the garden, caring for pets, etc. You may be surprised to find out that your expectations of who does what may be different.
• As you get closer to marriage, you'll want to talk about any fears/issues that come up with intimacy. Share about your sexual histories- be fully blunt and honest. 
• And then what about finances? I won't delve too far into that one because there are heaps of books and resources that talk about that... but, who will pay the bills? Are you a spender or a saver? What about him? Etc...

PRINCIPLES FOR MARRIAGE
There are some principles I want to share with you that have served us well in our marriage:

1. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. We have always talked things through- even if we're up til 4am, which happened a time or two early on but hasn't happened in years, we deal with arguments and disagreements before we go to bed... we don't have lingering "issues" that cloud each day and each additional disagreement.
2. Don't ever, EVER, eVeR, EvEr, ever, ever, ever let divorce be an option. Don't mention it, don't threaten it. Don't talk about roads (relationships) not taken. Once you commit, commit. And let that be evident in your communication with each other-- "you're my only". (And of course, I'm NOT talking about situations of abuse or infidelity. I'm talking about in normal marriages with two fallen human beings who disagree and differ on many things, there shouldn't be an easy "out". Divorce should never even be hinted at.)
3. Don't entertain ANY hint of affection towards other people. Other Christian women will talk about how "cute" some actor or musician is... but this has always been off-limits for me. I don't even allow a HINT of attraction to be fed in my mind or heart- one way that I go about this is to not "feed" male friendships, and not have physical contact with people of the opposite sex. We just don't want any trace of it... sometimes it will mean that I seem cold or distant towards other men, but that's OK. In this day and age of over sexualization, I would rather be seen as unapproachable by a man than to be seen as someone that he thinks he can have a flirtation or fling with. These lines are becoming more lax in general society, but Doug & I keep these boundaries firmly drawn.
4. Just say "YES" (to sexual intimacy). Once your married, I mean. For me, that means that I don't say no (in words or body language) to intimacy. We didn't start out with this as a rule, but we've just always been open to each other in that way. I've found that a LOT of my friends use or have used sex as a negotiating tool and it has become a point of difficulty in their marriages. For my husband, that has meant being willing to TALK and meet my communication needs, when that was not his natural bent, so that I feel more emotionally connected before we physically connect. Both of us have gone out of our ways to be open to saying yes to each other so that we are the ones meeting each others' needs, rather than each of us feeling like our needs have to be met outside of the marriage relationship.
5. Be each other's biggest cheerleaders and defenders. Your husband ought to know that if ANYONE has his back, it's you. You are the one that cheers for him and promotes him in his strengths, and shields and protects his weaknesses. In many marriages, sadly, it's the other way around: the wife is the one who points out every failure and flaw and overlooks the strengths and good things in her husband, and the only place he finds encouragement is at work. And that just ought not be. He ought to know that you are going to protect the areas where he is weakest (for example, that might mean that you take the lead on balancing the checkbook, or that if he struggles with an organized workspace, that you take the time to organize it for him so that he can be effective and efficient... rather than deriding him for the disarray in his office.) Basically, this is just being a good "helpmeet," I think. Where he is weak, I can help him, and where he is strong, I can promote him and praise him.
6. Make your marriage your top human priority, just behind your relationship with God. Too many women in particular allow the kids to take the place that the marriage ought to have in their mind and hearts - children become a bigger priority than their husband, and that just ought not be. Our "nest" will some day be empty, but we will still be together. I don't want to get to that stage and just be barely hanging on by a thread- I want to get to that stage, excited about our time together- ready to start a new phase together, and delighted in the job we've done together as parents. The way to make that happen is to continue pouring ourselves into the marriage relationship- with physical and verbal intimacy... making sure that we're on the same page about life choices and events, and then continuing to work on it and work on it and work on it, and - well, you get the picture.
7. Commit to do the maintenance! It's constant upkeep and work- but I've heard some analogies that it's kind of like a car or a house- that you can either do the regular maintenance and enjoy it for a LONG time, or you can skip the maintenance and end up with HUGE problems to fix. It's true- as a couple, we just try to do the maintenance and adjustments on the front end, rather than at some future date when there are way too many "issues" to narrow it down to what the real problem is. (You can use tools like our annual marriage checkup, even if you feel a little silly or uncomfortable at first, to keep talking about the things that matter.)

For further reading:
For female readers, I would HIGHLY suggest that you read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. It will give some great insights into the male psyche and make-up.
ESTABLISH YOUR NORMS NOW!
If you are a newly engaged couple, I would encourage you to talk through these things and establish a pattern of honest communication now. 

You can lay the way for a good marriage by communicating openly now, and giving yourselves realistic expectations about what's to come. I pray that this next phase of your life is a true thrill and a blessing to your life- that God will grow you and change you into the man or woman he wants you to be through this new role as husband or wife. 

Congratulations & many blessings!

The Value of Virginity

Samantha asked:

"...how do you deal with still being a virgin because you just don't want to sleep around? I'm 19 ... At 16, almost all of the girls have lost their virginity. Even my physician gave me a weird look ... [when] I told her I was still a virgin. My main problem is the reaction of people in my environment. Do you have any tips?"

I hate this this is even an issue, Samantha-- it just goes to show how screwed up this world has become, that the one person in a group that has self-restraint and good judgment feels strange and apologetic because they've actually maintained purity.

Here are some thoughts about the value of virginity (not by any means is this an all-encompassing list, but hopefully these thoughts will encourage you to hold your ground in this area):

(1) While the world says that the sleep-around-single is the one "exercising his/her freedom", the virgin is the one who is truly free. Free from disease, which is a growing concern among singles today. Free from the emotional trauma that goes along with casual sex. And free to bestow the gift of purity and virginity upon their husband one day, as a precious gift, unspoiled and rare.

And this is something you can share with people who look at you crazy, by saying, "Look, I'm just trying to practice free love. Love free from shame, disease, guilt, emotional heartache, and self-loathing. Love that frees me to give a precious gift to the one who God created me to become one with."

(2) Humans were created as both soul and body for a reason; these two elements of our personhood are meant to act in agreement with one another-- that is to say, we are not meant to believe things but not translate those beliefs into our behavior. Our behavior shows what's in our souls. In a new book I'm reading, Rebecca Jones writes:

"Sexual intimacy is so powerful that when women use it lightly, they plunge into a valley of shadow. Those shadows thicken, and women cannot escape, because the bodies they own, in which they sleep, eat, and live, are the very ones they have sullied. One way to ignore such guilt is to divide the body and soul. The body can do what it wants and the soul remains detached."

This is all too common. Sex is an activity that, when exercised outside of God's proper boundaries, divides body and soul. Rather than being an incredibly intimate experience, it becomes an incredibly isolating experience. Casual sex isolates us, not only from the ones with whom we are "intimate", but even from our very own soul. We end up trying to protect ourselves from further heartache by dividing the action from the emotional connection it was designed to cement. We trivialize it by describing it as an action to engage in for a little fun, rather than only enjoying it within the boundaries and for the purpose for which God created it, which brings me to my 3rd point...

(3) GOD is the One Who created sex... we need to look to Him to know what it is for. A young adult looking to peers to find out what sex is for is like toddlers who look to other toddlers for clues about what's the best things to eat. They're going to place priority on candy, chips, and chocolate milk rather than on the more lasting things: protein that helps you grow muscles, vitamins that help you go strong, etc. In the same way that those toddlers need to look to their parents (who know better than they do what they need), we need to quit looking to a secular culture to tell us what sex is for, and instead look to our Father, Who, in the first mention of sex put it this way: "they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Which brings me to point #4...

(4) ONENESS is the primary purpose of physical intimacy, which is why it hurts people so bad to sleep around. It's like pulling a woman's skin away from her bones, like pulling a head away from its body. There's no question: we become one with the person we are intimate with. That's the purpose. Is procreation a purpose? Yes. Is pleasure a purpose? Yes. But the primary purpose is oneness- to show an earthly example of the oneness Christ desires to have (and will have) with the Church. We can more perfectly understand the unity Christ desires to have with us when we look at a monogamous, committed, serving-one-another, loving-one-another marriage, and see the intimacy that happens there.

David Gardner, author of Sacred Sex, puts it this way:

"Sexual intercourse, by God's description, is the way of knowing and experiencing another human being in the most intimate way possible. This "knowing" is what melds two strangers into one. A wonderful example of this is a Dutch slang word for sex, naaien, which literally means 'sewing'. Two pieces of material are put on top of each other and then attached in a way that will 'keep them secure and fastened to each other long after the sewing is over and the weaver is gone.' This idea of being sewn together in sex is a useful image... husbands and wives don't dissolve together into one shapeless blob. However, they are intricately and intimately sewn together in such a way that man should 'not separate' them (Matthew 19:6). Oneness joins us permanently, ... [and] lasts beyond the immediate act of sexual intimacy."

(5) Finally, obedience to Christ (which means sexual purity--not only in action but in thought as well) is important, even if/when we're the last man or woman standing. Just like that sign-holding woman in the picture at the top of this article, even if we feel TOTALLY alone in a crowd of people going the opposite way, we are still to obey. The Bible says "obedience is better than sacrifice." Obeying, even when we don't feel like it and especially when we are tired and don't understand all the "whys", still is pleasing to our Father.

When I say "no playing in the street", I'm not trying to deny my children FUN. They might see a parade go by and say, "MOM- all those kids are playing in the street- dancing to music, waving to the crowd, eating candy, and they're having a really good time... why can't I play in the street?" That's when I have to explain to them that the time for THEM to be in the parade is not now- it may come in the future, but this is not the time. "Trust me," I'm saying. And it's true- their obedience (which will protect them from getting run over by a car or lost in a crowd) is important and pleasing to me, even if they don't understand all the reasons that I'm telling them not to play in the street.

BE ENCOURAGED and BE REBELLIOUS
Be encouraged, Samanatha-- and any other readers who are wondering about these things... I would encourage you to think of it this way: be a rebel. Rebel against the low expectations of culture, rebel against the easy way out, rebel against the "norms"-- and instead be a radical... a radical footsoldier in the army of the Most High God, a radical example of what Christ can do in the life of someone who obeys Him, and a radical person who swims against the stream of culture in pursuit of the source of Living Water.

1 Corinthians 10:12-13 says, "Let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." Hang in there, Samantha, and look for your ways of escaping the stronghold of this generation- you'll be so glad you did!


(PSSSST!!!: If YOU have a question or issue that you've been wondering about, CLICK HERE to leave your question.)

Love Is... Heat Over Time

When your husband is sick, and you're all alone with your kids, and you have no more reserves of strength (not that I would have any recent experience with this) and you start to protest, "this isn't really what I signed up for!", THAT'S the moment when God reminds you.... "these ARE the vows you took. This is what that meant, though you didn't see this situation as the future of those words. All you could see was the "love" Hollywood sells. But that was just the igniting flame."

True love requires commitment. Choice. Will. The decision to love regardless of what the kickbacks are. That doesn't mean feelings aren't involved, but sometimes it is just the sheer determination to be charitable and act lovingly toward another person that keeps love going.

Just like a burner, heating up a delicious homemade sauce... there are variable temperatures that need to be used to make it turn out just right. It starts out with that ignition... without that initial spark and flame, there'd be no heat to the sauce at all. But that initial heat isn't good for anything but boiling over quickly.

What a good sauce needs is heat and time. Sometimes it requires the slow, steady heat to melt things that have grown cold, and sometimes the heat needs to be turned up in order to make everything gel and fit together. Sometimes just keeping the sauce warmed is the best you can do. Varying heats over time make for an interesting and delicious sauce. If you stop mid-recipe, nothing will come out right.

Commitment is required to see things to their delicious end. In sauces and marriage.