Thoughts on Sheltering

Someone recently asked if I'd expand on my thoughts about rules/relationship and sheltering parenting. [Honestly, the subject has been better tackled elsewhere (Parenting with Love & Logic deals with teaching our children to make wise choices and allowing "affordable mistakes" while they're in our home... and other individuals have tackled these things online in terms of homeschooling far better than I could.). ]

Nevertheless, since I was asked to share, I'll share some from my personal perspective.

SOME OF MY STORY
Growing up, my parents were not repressive and judgmental, but my surroundings were. We were in a fundamentalist church circuit where virtually no pastor/church was "sound" enough for my dogmatic grandfather. Though I was saved at a young age, this environment smothered out the true love for Jesus that can grow in the heart of a child.

Long story short, I went along with my surroundings until I hit age 13, and then I rebelled against it until I was about 16. My parents felt convicted about things and intentionally left the hypocritical environment we had been in (a dying church which they'd been threatened by my grandpa to stay a part of), and sought out a vibrant Christian fellowship. After looking for months, they found it, and though at the time I didn't know why, but I no longer felt the need to rebel. I was drawn to the grace and truth I found among my peers and the families we encountered at this new church.

All that to say, when I was surrounded by rules, I rebelled big time, seeing no need to follow them because in my mind, there were absolutely no *benefits* to following the rules. The people around me all seemed grossly unhappy, personally dreary, and spiritually bored (or even dead). But when I was shown true fellowship, true joy among believers, and a pursuit of holiness-- not for self-righteousness, but out of a true desire to please God-- well, my heart fell in line with that really quickly. "Sign me up!"

What I learned in a nutshell: Christian joy flourishing in faith built on a strong foundation draws the soul toward Christ. An outward focus on rules and "perfection" kill the Spirit, focusing too strongly on the law.

The "world" I had grown up in was dry soil. I had heard about rich soil. They talked as if "this" was it. But it was dry and dead and had almost no beauty growing in it.

ODDLY ENOUGH, THOUGH... ENCOUNTERING A GREENHOUSE
The church we joined also had a HUGE contingency of quiver-full homeschoolers (a group of people which I'd never before encountered-- I'd never known ANYONE with more than 3 or at the most 4 children). Ironically, these homeschooled kids/teens weren't allowed to be in the youth group that was life-changing for me, drawing me deeper in faith. They were kept separate. I'd imagine their parents would have used terms like "wise sheltering" or given examples about greenhouses and flowers and how "until they're transplanted", they need to be "protected".

Problem is, those "plants" that had been completely sheltered didn't develop tough roots, and didn't learn how to feed themselves. Sure, they had knowledge... but they had never encountered others who saw the world differently. They'd never even been allowed to hang out with the incredibly godly public school kids I was challenged by in this youth group-- much less the worldly kids they would have encountered by taking jobs, or in some other way having intentional interaction with secular society. I'm sure their parents didn't mean to set their kids up for failure. Many of these parents are still baffled that their children didn't follow the "formula" they had tried to follow so carefully... and don't understand where things went wrong.

When these protected, secluded homeschooled young adults encountered the real world, with "real" sinners who seemed to be sinning and having a blast, they were fascinated. Without exception, they all fell prey to the appeal of the world, at least for a very long and painful season of adulthood. Many of them have never returned to faith.

THE PROBLEM WITH PROTECTION
Protection is a fine goal.

It's the goal of most people cultivating things. Of course you don't want hail to rain down on your newly growing seedlings. You don't want a bird to come and peck away at the plant you've worked so hard to grow. Yes, young plants need careful protection... but protection is NOT the ultimate goal of raising plants or crops or having a garden. And we homeschooling parents can sometimes forget this. While we may be honestly striving to do right by our kids, we could forget to transplant them until it's too late.

Once they're out of the house, whatever that looks like, we're going to be playing a far less significant role in their lives. So in my mind, the transplanting (for a plant, that means growing in REAL soil in the REAL open air rather than being in a potted plant in a greenhouse) needs to take place once we've given them a good start... probably in the early "teen" years.

TRANSPLANTING
Transplanting may look different for each family... but if we're going to do it successfully, I think we need to do it while we can still regularly offer up some water and fertilizer to encourage them towards godliness.

For example, one family in our youth group had 6 boys whom they homeschooled through 6th grade. From then on, they put the boys in public school. During that time, they played football (undoubtedly being exposed to all kinds of locker room talk) and kept up their studies while being discipled and mentored more deeply by their father. These last 6 or so years in their parents' home were devoted towards FAITH IN ACTION.

Another example: some families (like Voddie Baucham's) follow a three-part phase of raising children-- the obedience/training phase (teaching our young ones to heed our words), the catechism phase (teaching our children the deep doctrines and truths of scripture), and the discipleship phase (teaching our young adults how to put faith into action). So, the early years are devoted towards training in obedience ("Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord."), the elementary years are devoted towards teaching children truth about God, His Word, and faith (Deut 6:7), and the last years of parenting are spent with a focus on making disciples. Part of discipling is intentional life-on-life training. In the real world.

Jesus spent incredible amounts of TIME with His disciples-- but He didn't pull out to a cave to spend that time with them. He took them as He was going along in life-- talking to adulteresses, partying with tax collectors, going to weddings, mourning the dead, praying for the sick, pointing out the holiness and generosity of widows and the hypocrisy of the "religious". We can, I think, follow His example by not hiding from the world but doing our best as parents to use the world to continue our children's education.

SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
That doesn't mean every homeschooled kid should end up in public or private school. It doesn't mean every parent ought to opt for youth group. Or that every kid should work at some secular place like Trader Joe's or Krispy Kreme. But we SHOULD be intentional about letting our kids learn what the world is really like, and even letting them foul up from time to time. (Love & Logic talks about this-- letting our kids make "affordable mistakes"-- mistakes that they can learn from and we can live with.) Essentially, though, our kids need to, for themselves, find God faithful and value Him above what the world offers. And my experience and observations tell me that this doesn't happen when our ultimate goal is protection and sheltering.

OK, so I've shared my perspective on this-- but it's not fully developed and I've certainly not raised teenagers, or even begun to enter that world. So what are your thoughts? Those of you who have raised your children into adulthood? Those of you who ARE raising young adults? Public school moms? Other homeschool moms? What say all of you?

"Successful" Parenting

We might all have different ideas about what successful parenting actually looks like in practice. Some do so-called "gentle" or attachment parenting... some follow particular books, authors, or methods for the "meat" of their parenting... some choose public schools... some make other choices.

Undoubtedly though, for Christian parents, the most important thing is getting the good news of Christ as the Savior of the world into the hearts and minds of our children. So we may all differ in one way or another on externals, but the most important thing is the delivery of the message of Jesus Christ. But if we're only mimicking the "success" of others, and don't truly "own" the plan ourselves, our hope that our children will have faith in Christ may come to nothing. In fact, if we deliver faith in something OTHER than Christ (perhaps money, beauty, or even something "good" like a Christian author, parenting method, or book), we may set them up for life-long rejection of the gospel.

It reminds me of the French castle scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail... where the knights of the round table want to get inside of the castle, so Sir Bedevere declares to King Arthur, "Sir... I have a plan... ." Soon, a giant wooden rabbit is being noisily wheeled by the soldiers towards the front gate of the castle (modeled after the Trojan horse, of course). They then run away to hide in the woods and see what happens next.

After the French soldiers have stealthily examined and approved the rabbit, they wheel it inside the castle. Just behind a little hill, we see the "knights of the round table" giddily hiding, and we hear:

Arthur: "What happens now?"
Bedevere: "Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!"
Arthur: "*Who* leaps out of the rabbit?"
Bedevere: (pointing to each knight as he names them) "Uh, Lancelot, Gallahad, and I, uh... leap out of the rabbit, uh.... and uh..."
Lancelot: (groans)
Bedevere: "Oh, um, look, if we built this large wooden badger..."

And Arthur rightly knocks Bedevere on his head.

DON'T BLINDLY FOLLOW SOMEONE ELSE'S PLAN
My point is this: Bedevere wasn't coming up with his own plan. He was simply trying to mimic what worked for someone else. We don't need to put our hopes on "what works". And we don't need to look at what some other parents did as our ultimate goal. Should we learn from others? Absolutely!

But the verse in Proverbs says, "Train up a child in the way he should go"... and too many teachers have claimed that for their own method. Truth is, the verse is talking about knowing your child and training them up according to the way God built them-- their aptitudes, interests, personality, and maturity. We're not to parent every child in a factory-like manner. It shouldn't be a cookie-cutter approach. And the funny thing is-- we know that when it comes to our own children-- we know that our second child is nothing like our first, and that the discipline methods/teaching methods/etc. that "work" with our first child often don't work with our second or third in the exact same way. BUT-- we sometimes forget that when we look around at other families-- we see God at work in other families and may unscrupulously try to copy what they're doing instead of inquiring what HE would do in our family, with our unique family DNA.

If another family is doing something that you ought to be doing-- intentional discipling of their children, or training their children in biblical obedience-- then you SHOULD find a way to bring that into your own family life. But we shouldn't be blindly following any method, family, or parenting philosophy without checking it against Scripture and against the God-given vision He's given us as parents for our families.

BE THE PARENT GOD CREATED YOU TO BE
God made us each as individuals... and we are all different. And yet, we have His unchanging Word. So, we each as individuals need to look at the scriptures, look at what they say about parenting, about wisdom, about children, about teaching, about families... and implement them in that unique way that God built our family to do.

Some fathers may like theology and that may be a regular dinner table topic... other fathers may be better at teaching about God as they go about life-- on the baseball field and on the drive to the lake, etc. But all Christian fathers ought to be teaching.

Same thing for us as Christian mothers... one mother's approach may look different externally from other mothers' approaches, but we are all trying to do what Bedevere was trying to do: safely deliver something (or more specifically, Someone) into a place that is, for all practical purposes, out of our control. Now, we differ from those knights in that we are not trying to do it stealthily, or for ill purposes... but we DO need to get the pure, Biblical gospel into the hands, hearts, and minds of the children God has given us.

DON'T FOCUS ON EXTERNALS
Funny thing, though, because they built it poorly the first time, the knights' chances of success for any future attempt (like building a wooden "badger") were probably close to nil. They were so busy focused on getting the outside "right" that they forgot to focus on what was INSIDE the large, wooden rabbit.

If we spend our time making the outside *look* right, but we aren't actively stoking true faith, we are setting our children up for spiritual disaster. They KNOW when we are faking it. They KNOW whether or not we really believe God answers prayer. They KNOW whether or not Christ is permeating every part of our homes or just something we "do" on Sundays. They KNOW if our hearts are set towards eternal things or towards storing up our treasures here on earth. We have to let Christ do His work inside of us rather than focusing on getting all the outside things "right".

DON'T MAKE OTHER PEOPLE YOUR FOCUS
We need not sit around fretting about if our home looks or doesn't look like someone else's home. We don't have to have the same amount of children, or have the same bedtime routine, or do "school" in the same way, or have the same philosophy about discipline in order to be unified in our goal of honoring Jesus Christ in our family, and teaching our children to trust Him for all of their lives. We don't have to build a large wooden rabbit (or a badger!) just because someone else "succeeded" by building a large wooden structure.

Prayer and obedience should be the keystones of our parenting "method"... and learning from others is great, but should not take precedence over the importance of the Word. Seek to know Jesus and to make Him known in your home... and do it in a way that is natural for how God built you.

Show & Tell: Everything AND the Kitchen Sink

I'm gonna quit apologizing for the length of these posts and just revel in it. Confession time: Hello, my name is Jessica, and I am a link junkie. I LOVE passing on good links and it really lights my fire to see a bunch of out clicks on my sitemeter. So, here we go again. Show & Tell #50 gazillion. ;-)

WOMANHOOD:

• Candid Words from a Would-Be Mother
• Celebrating Womanhood- Ideas for delighting in the gift of being a woman
• 20-something reasons to live at home- as a single Christian woman
  
• JUDGED-- Mary Grace shares her thoughts as a foster mom who *gasp* has used food stamps for her foster son... and the reactions she gets. This one may get you to noticing that big log in your own eyes (ask me how I know!).
• How feminism tore one daughter from her mother
  
• Older Women Wanted-- Mary Pride's request for moms with know-how to stick around and help younger moms rather than retiring to an empty nest

MOTHERHOOD

• Loving Our Kids: Merry hits the nail on the head and gives a simple (but not easy) challenge
  
• Days Gone By- a brief but eloquent "musing" on children growing older
  
• Nursing at 13 months- We moms end up feeling bad or guilty for all kinds of things, don't we? (Even good things like breastfeeding our children!)
  
• Raising Godly Children-- encouragement from Scripture with practical application
  
• Encouragement for tired moms to PRESS ON!- It's a long interview with Janet Parshall, but well worth reading/listening to!
• Thoughts on sheltering and wisdom- more by my empty-nesting friend, Chloe
  

MORE ON ABORTION:

• Pill users beware!- Did ya know oral contraceptives may cause abortions?
  
• Gender selection abortions
  
• Obama: Babies as punishment
  
• Infanticide Procedure, step by horrible step: Doctors describe performing partial birth abortions-- Oh, this is not for the faint of heart... but God, help us to read this sort of truth and act, doing all we can on behalf of the unborn.
• Baby survives abortion, expected to live "normal" life-- (hat tip: Dust & Clay)

ON CHINA:

• Rights Activists IGNORE China's One-Child Policy- "My body, my choice", you'll hear from feminist activists the world over... except when it comes to the horrors that happen in China every day because of their "overpopulation" policy.
• China's aftershocks-- the earthquake served to highlight ethical problems inherent in the system
• "My dear baby, if you can survive, please remember Mom loves you."

CHEW ON THIS:

• Amish Friendship Bread- From what this says, your friends will thank you. So, should I make up the "starter" batch?
• Homemade White Bread-- for some reason, this looks absolutely delicious to me (and a friend of mine says that it IS!) So I'm linking for you-- but also for me, to motivate me to make it!!! :-)
• Starvation claiming Ethiopia's smallest- Will you consider giving (you can give through adoption agencies and orphanages) and helping provide food for these children?
• What People Eat Around the World- a visual index of food around the world
  

BLOGGING:

• CUT DOWN YOUR BLOG READING by learning how to use a "feed reader". DG takes you step by step, so even non-techies can use this!
  
• A solution for those of you wanting a new blog design! BLOGS FOR A CAUSE - Nikki does blog designs and donates part of the proceeds to charities-- Woohoo!

SPIRITUAL GROWTH:

• Spiritual Gifts-- a six-part sermon series by Mark Driscoll. Probably the most comprehensive and yet comprehensible handling of the spiritual gifts that I've come across. (The link is to Adrian Warnock's blog, who linked all 6 of the sermons in one post-- so you can get them all from there.) Here is a written summary of the sermons.
  
• How to Waste Your Theological Education-- tips for seminarians and other aspiring theologians... a good gut-check for what you're doing with that "education"
• Sovereignty of God & life transitions- I could echo every one of Mrs. Elliot's words.
• Living with all of the Body: thoughts on age-segregated vs. age-integrated church experiences
• Voddie Baucham talks about "The Family-Integrated Church"
  

FOR THE LOVE OF BOOKS:

• Sorting books-- deciding which to keep and which to pitch
• Big Thoughts for Little Thinkers: This series looks GREAT for teaching basic doctrine to young children!
• Librivox: Listen to public-domain books in audiobook format for FREE! (Especially helpful for homeschoolers-- you could listen to a classic work while doing other things around the home. Also available as a free podcast.)
  
• Puritan Library: Challenging Puritan works in e-book format in their entirety online.
  

ON PORNOGRAPHY:

• "Dear Person that Googled 'Porn' and Got Me"- I've been shocked to see how many people google porn and end up here at Making Home. Prodigal Jon gives an excellent response to that anonymous reader.
• Women Against Pornography
  
• Hugh Hefner's Wasted Life-- boy, this one is sad. Sad, sad, sad.

FOR A LAUGH:

• Engrish.com-- a daily serving of Engrish/Chinglish-- this is what happens to the English language when put on shirts, signs, store windows, and more in China. Having lived in China for a year, I find this particularly hilarious... but you might too. :-) [Note: very occasionally there are off-color items featured... but most of the time, it is both tame and hysterical.]
• What does "crunchy" look like?
  

OH--AND ABOUT THAT KITCHEN SINK:

• In case you are a young wife/mother/person who has NOT heard about this, it may be helpful. Flylady is a great online resource for cleaning or keeping your house clean. [Now, I should admit: I do not actually use Flylady. I am a Flylady failure... but that is partly because I was not motivated to keep it up when I DID use it, partly because I've lived in more places than I can count in the last few years and have just had to do whatever I could to "make it", and partly because I'm more of a clean-as-you-go and clean-as-the-Spirit-hits-you sort of gal. ;-) But many, MANY of my friends find it helpful. So maybe you will too. Plus I had to include a link that had something to do with the kitchen sink, OK?!?]

Homeschoolers & Socialization

[For those readers whose children go to public schools, please don't read this unless you have a sense of humor . One of the reasons it's funny to me is because of how much it mirrors mine and my husband's public school experiences. It's not intended by me to be a "slam" against people making different educational choices, OK? You know your own threshold for being able to take a joke. So, seriously, if you're going to be offended, don't read any further.]

A friend of mine, Leanne, found this in an Austrailian homeschooling journal, --"In the Kolbe Little Home Journal (Fall 2005), "Homeschooling Family Finds Ways to Adapt to a Public School 'Socialization' Program", and it cracked me up. Just wanted to pass it along for your amusement:

"When my wife and I mention we are strongly considering home schooling our children, we are without fail asked, 'But what about socialization?--' Fortunately, we found a way our kids can receive the same socialization that government schools provide.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I will personally corner my son in the bathroom, give him a wedgie and take his lunch money.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, my wife will make sure to tease our children for not being in the 'in' crowd, taking special care to poke fun at any physical abnormalities.

Fridays will be 'Fad and Peer Pressure Day.' We will all compete to see who has the coolest toys, the most expensive clothes, and the loudest, fastest, and most dangerous car.

Every day, my wife and I will adhere to a routine of cursing and swearing in the hall and mentioning our weekend exploits with alcohol and immorality..--.. And we have asked them to report us to the authorities in the event we mention faith, religion, or try to bring up morals and values."

Simple enough! :)

Motherhood & the Difficult Wisdom of Romans 14

We've all heard of (and likely experienced) the "Mommy Wars". As mothers, we can feel completely removed from other believers, if we make a parenting choice that is contrary to what they are choosing or what they chose. No matter where you live, if you're reading this and you're a mom, you've likely faced one of these issues, and may have butted heads with another Christian about it:

Stay at home vs. Career moms
Breast vs. Bottle
Spanking: Biblical or no?
Quiverfull vs. any limiting of family size at all
Schooling choices
Video Games
Sleep issues (co-sleeping, front/back sleeping)
How often children get baths
How soon to talk about x, y, or z with your kids
Sleepovers
Extracurricular activities

So many women feel beaten down for their choices. Or feel proud and combative about their choices. Or feel angry about other people's choices. Or feel bitter about other people's reactions to their choices. The thing is, none of those outcomes are good. Mommy wars are so very likely to end in pride, heartache, and frustration. With each other. With ourselves. And that's not the way we Christians are supposed to interact with one another.

There are some good things that can come when we share about our OWN choices. Curious people are satisfied. Confused people find more clarity. Unsure people may find sure footing (either in agreement or disagreement). Even people who are confident in their own choices may find their views/opinions sharpened and strengthened by hearing various other viewpoints. Sharing the biblical basis for our own decisions in parenting, home life, or marriage can be helpful for others who are either peers traveling the road with us, or for those who are slightly behind us on the road... to serve as guideposts for them as they eventually face some of the same choices in life.

But even in that (just talking about our own choices), we need to be careful. In electronic format, words can be so easily misinterpreted, and the same sentence can carry completely different meanings if read with venom or honey as the perceived "attitude". Here are some principles I see in Romans 14 (a chapter about Christian disagreement) that can be helpful for us mommies as we sort through and discuss these issues of motherhood, particularly online: (I'll share my own thoughts of what we can infer from each command behind each bolded main idea.)

1. Welcome others. (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, unwelcoming. We are quick to section ourselves off into groups of those with whom we agree.
   
2. Do not quarrel over opinions (vs. 1) - We are, in our flesh, argumentative. We like to be "right".
   
3. Do not pass judgment on others (vs. 4, 10) - We are, in our flesh, critical and condemning. We like to be a part of "us" and not "them".
   
4. Be fully convinced in your own mind (vs. 5) - We may walk around airing opinions that we aren't fully convinced of. We may have a tendency to not think through things carefully.
   
5. Do not despise one another (vs. 10) - In our flesh, we may feel hatred for or look down on the people with whom we disagree. Though we are called to love, our disagreements can quickly deteriorate that love we are to have for one another.
   
6. Remember that we will give an account to God (vs. 12) - Not only for our words, but for our actions and beliefs. We are quick to forget that we're each responsible for our own lives.
   
7. Decide never to put a stumbling block in the way of someone else (vs. 13) - We can unnecessarily build walls or barriers between us and others.
   
8. Don't intentionally and overtly do something to grieve another believer (vs. 15) - We can cause pain to others by our choices and words.
   
9. Pursue peace (vs. 19) - We should major on the things that we can agree on with the Christians around us.
   
10. Pursue what will mutually build up one another (vs. 19) - Find common ground and strive to sharpen one another in that area. This doesn't come naturally; we have to work at it.
    
11. Even if you have peace about something, if it grieves another believer, don't make a show of it. (vs. 20-22)
    
12. Whatever you do, do it in faith. (vs. 23)

Good stuff. It's amazing how the Bible really does speak into our lives, even from nearly 2,000 years ago. Any thoughts?

Newborn Survival Tips

I have three pretty simple "survival tips" for having newborns... and here they are:

(1) Follow a basic routine: I'm not a J on the Myers-Briggs personality scale, and I don't personally do well with rigid scheduling, but a flexible routine has been a HUGE help and blessing for us with babies. It may not be for everyone, but it most definitely is for us. I've written more about it here.

(2) Use gas drops (simethicone) generously. Seriously, use them as often as you please. I've had doctors in three countries tell me that it does not go into the blood stream and therefore you can use them as often as you please. With little ones who often have burps you can't quite get out or air bubbles they've swallowed, gas drops are a life saver! (TIP: Buy the generic ones at Target. They were 80% less per ounce than the Mylicon name brand version in my hometown in Texas, and work every bit as good.) A friend of ours jokingly called it "quiet juice" because of how much he noticed that it helped our daughter to stop fussing when she had an upset tummy.

(3) Don't form unnecessary habits (always sleeping in the same place; always needing x, y, or z to fall asleep; always holding baby at certain times of day, etc.) ... because then you'll be obligated to keep them up, or else! So if you get into a habit that works for you, that's fine, or that you intend to maintain-- GREAT! But particularly in our family (moving around the world 5 times in the last 2 years), not instilling unnecessary habits in babies is a glorious thing.


What tips do you have for not just surviving-- but THRIVING-- through the newborn period?

Show & Tell: My Post-Partum Link Party

Because I've been in my post-partum stay-close-to-home mode (translate that to: "I've been spending a lot of time reading on the computer while feeding and snuggling with my son"), I've got a lot of links for you this time. (And, unashamedly, as a proud mom, I'm showing off a few recent pictures of my kiddos.) Enjoy!

FEATURED ARTICLE

• KNOWING GOD'S WILL- Randy Alcorn gives excellent advice about discerning the will of God-- that it's often more about who we're becoming than what we're doing.

CONCEIVING & HAVING BABIES

• Eighty-five cent pregnancy tests - SERIOUSLY! 85 CENTS!!! If you're trying or hoping or think you'll need them, this price is incredible! They also have a good price on ovulation tests, if you're so inclined.
  
• Mars Hill's summary of birth control options: Mark Driscoll's sermon on this issue is worth listening to... but this summary also includes lots of great reading material and links (at the bottom of the page) worth perusing if you're reading up about or making decisions about family size, sex, abortion, and birth control.
• Jobs will wait; babies won't.
• Doug Wilson has written a very interesting (and I think, very balanced) article about Birth Control
  
• Martin Luther King's niece, Alveda, speaks about abortion. She writes, "King once said, 'The Negro cannot win as long as he is willing to sacrifice the lives of his children for comfort and safety.' How can the “Dream” survive if we murder the children? Every aborted baby is like a slave in the womb of his or her mother. The mother decides his or her fate."
• The Haze Continues to Lift: Catherine's thoughts on having had an abortion 10 years ago
  
• Planned Parenthood's slogan says "Every child a wanted child". Although their approach is entirely wrong, the slogan is something we can all agree on- every child is wanted (if not by the bio mom, there are hundreds of adoptive parents waiting in line).
  
• Ted Turner calls for a two-child-per-family limit.
  
• Having more than two children is selfish and sinful?
  
• Three Kids? You Showoffs! Big families are now a growing status symbol among the very rich. This article (though it is seemingly written in support of larger families) contributes to the problem by perpetuating the idea that it must be expensive to raise children.
• The "What Ifs" of Adoption
• Breastfeeding videos: These links can show you what a good latch on looks like, and help you hear and identify problems in latching on/breastfeeding. What a great resource for nursing moms!
• In whose best interest is this, exactly? Stories from a foster-to-adoptive mom about visits with biological parents during the waiting period until the adoption is finalized. (Very insightful and worth the read!)
  

MARRIAGE

• Complementarian Singles: How Can I Prepare For Marriage? A great article about God-honoring singleness as you wait
  
• Be content when he is home; Be content when he is not. A great word on contentment for wives whose husbands travel or work a lot. (Be sure to check out her reading list at the bottom of her site-- GREAT recommendations!)
• How a Wife Should Respond to Her Husband: Bethany shares helpful notes for wives from a marriage conference
  
• When Blending Families, Mix Well. Terry shares from her own experiences about blending a family in a way that honors God, strengthens the marriage, and solidifies the family unit.
• Why it Kills to Keep Up with the Joneses
• Shacking Up- why couples who live together fare worse once married (this is an insightful interview with Mike McManus, a man I met almost ten years ago, who runs "Marriage Savers"-- a non-profit organization focused on marriage).
  

RAISING & EDUCATING OUR CHILDREN

• Why do parents need to be united in their parenting?
  
• Third-culture kids: This is what you end up with when you live overseas-- children who don't really identify fully with their "first" culture, or their "second" culture-- so they end up forming their own. John Piper put out a list of great ideas about how to relate to and serve "TCK's".
• Raising Missions-Minded Children
• How long should a homeschool day be?
• Good old-fashioned homeschooling: Why having too many options can actually harm the homeschooled family... and why a return to simple home schooling may be in order when we feel overwhelmed or stressed.
  
• Finding support as a homeschool mom
• Washington Post: The real cost of government-run schools- it is shocking how much money is spent per child with such a poor outcome in government schools. No business would be able to continue running if they had such lousy returns on the investment.
  
• Ever considered: What if public schools were abolished? A fascinating (and I think, realistic) view of what would happen in our society if government no longer meddled with the education of America's children.

FOOD

• Bakeshop Blueberry Muffins
• How to Make Cinnamon Sugar (and chocolate cinnamon!)
• List of all label "aliases" for MSG- for those of you who are allergic or try to avoid it
  

BLOGGING/WRITING

• Five tips from C.S. Lewis about pithy, worthwhile writing (and talking).
• Twelve ways to improve your blog
  

MISCELLANEOUS

• Heterosexual Roommates: Now that homosexuality is so rampant on college campuses, dating couples and boy/girl casual friends are asking, "so why can't we be roommates?" So now it's "pick your own roommate", male or female, on some college campuses.
• Divided We Stand: What do religious conservatives do without a political candidate "of their own"? We're about to find out.
• Is it OK to Look? The truth about pornography
• CPS investigates because family has "too many kids", and- *gasp* -their kids "do dishes"- Folks, the government's intrusion into our lives as citizens are getting more and more absurd.
  
• Olympics-- Shut Up and Compete: Randy Alcorn weighs in with thoughts about the upcoming Beijing Olympics, in light of human rights violations and the persecuted church.
• Feminism Run Amok on the Soccer Field
• Did Jesus Spend Saturday Night (before Resurrection Sunday) in Hell? John Piper says "no."
• The "Poison" of Computer Gaming-- [Are you all noticing more and more families being negatively affected by this? I sure am! I'd love to hear from you if you have thoughts about video/online games and what our response as Christian families should be!]
• Why I Left Greenpeace: from one of the founders- this is a great example of what can happen when our zeal trumps our love for truth
  
• How to help your grieving friend: practical ideas from a hurting mom
• Listeners' Bible: Free mp3 downloads of John, Philippians, and Ephesians
• Barak Obama: A wolf in sheep's clothing, says Voddie Baucham-- a candid examination of Obama's record on abortion
  

GOOD FOR A LAUGH

• Tim Hawkins: GPS for life

I've received lots of "thank you"s over the months for these show & tell posts, so full of links and reading material. But then I know these are overwhelming for some of you. I have to confess, I love seeing all the "out-clicks" on my sitemeter after posting one of these posts... it's so neat for me to see these great articles all being read and (hopefully) useful for you. It is a passion of mine to point people in the direction of good information/resources that will help women and families to honor God more.

Please feel free to e-mail me if there are particular topics you'd like to see more links about, or if there are articles you find that might be worth including in my show & tell posts in the future! Additionally, if there are things I could do to make these links more useful for you, let me know!

Thanks-- and happy reading!

Discreet Breastfeeding in Public

Can you tell by some of my recent topics that I'm in the throes of newborn life? :-)

Last night, I sat down and did the math: out of the past 82 months of my life, 80 months have been spent either pregnant or nursing a baby (and occasionally, both). So, while it's on my mind, let me share what I've learned about the "art" of nursing in public.

(1) If you don't feel comfortable nursing in public, that's OK. Just find a corner or a toilet with a lid on it or a nursing lounge (the newer malls that have these are GREAT, aren't they?!), and take care of things there. It's OK to not be comfortable with public breastfeeding, especially in those early times with your first baby, when you're just figuring things out!

(2) Don't let ugly looks or comments from strangers get you down! I don't think I'll ever forget my first time nursing in "public"... we were moving from Washington, D.C. to Dallas and Doug was driving a U-Haul cross-country while I flew. After a successful flight with my 5-week old son from Washington to somewhere else (maybe Memphis?), I knew we were nearing the time for him to need to eat. I snuck into a bathroom and found (to my disappointment) that the only place for me to sit was in a little hollowed out spot, up against the wall, supporting him with my legs, JUST in the place where women had to line up to wait for the toilets. Nice. So I did the best I could, covering up with the burp cloth, etc., but of course, as a newly breastfeeding mom, I'm sure more showed than I would have preferred. But I was in a women's restroom, for crying out loud! Well, you'd have thought I was doing something ghastly and evil, from the responses of some of the women! I still remember feeling humiliated by some of their stares, even though I was absolutely committed to nursing and knew they were just poorly informed about all of the *wonderful* benefits of breastfeeding. (Of which I was VERY informed, being a new mom who had voraciously read every single book I could get my hands on about breastfeeding!).

All that to say, I can still remember the glares, so I know how easy it is to feel intimidated about nursing in public. But hang in there. Be as discreet as you can, but don't let others make you feel bad! I'm glad to have not let some silly old biddies change my course-- and I'm thankful to have successfully breastfed each of my kids (so far) for at least a year.

(3) Be as discreet as you can. There's no need to "flaunt it". When we lived in China (and I was nursing our third baby), one of our friends (whose wife was, at the time, expecting their first baby) remarked that he never realized when I was nursing when we went out to eat. I used a cover-up and he was none the wiser. Especially in the beginning, it will take time to get used to breastfeeding (I wasn't that comfortable nursing in public with our first baby), but it can be done discreetly, in a way that won't embarrass you or others.


But once you feel comfortable, and want to nurse in public, here are some ways that you can be discreet about it:

Option #1: Nursing Cover up- The idea with this is that you can wear whatever you want, and just whip out the cover-up whenever it's time to feed the baby. It covers the nursing "area" as well as any tummy area that might show on that side while feeding. Here are some options:

• Cheap, simple blue cover-up
• Sold at etsy.com: Adorable homemade brown floral cover up (shown at right)

Option #2: Nursing tank bra- The great thing about this is that you can wear it under shirts and it covers up your tummy for you while nursing, while your actual shirt covers up the rest. (Here's another version of that idea.) You don't have to have an additional item (like you would with option #1) with you, and it can be worn under any top. The only potential downside is that it adds another layer, which may not be desirable if you live in a hot area and it's August or something. I've really enjoyed my nursing tank tops, though... they're very handy!

Option #3: Use a blanket. Not that fancy or "hip", but it works. I've never had much luck with this method, as I'm always struggling to hold the baby in the right position when they're a newborn, and once they get older, they can easily pull the blanket off. But my sister-in-law could always do this smashingly, so you may do well with it too.

Anyone else have great ideas or tips for nursing in public? Or do you have any questions about any of this? Fire away, as always-- in the comments box!

Blessings on you and your little ones!

Battling Bedtime?

I don't ever want this blog to be a place for fakery or inauthenticity, and thus, I don't ever want it to seem like I'm one who "has it all together". That's far from the truth. Yesterday, I almost blogged about what a mess our apartment was and what a wreck I was (a dissheveled, unshowered mess as my husband left for work)... but I didn't even have the time to blog about it... that's how "not together" I was. :) The truth is, we all have weak spots and weak moments. But we all have strengths, too. And so, in a spirit of wanting to help other young moms, I want to share something I think we've done well.

So I'll just come out and say it: our kids are all excellent sleepers. And it hasn't been by "luck" as many people implied when we "just" had one or two children (I know all you moms of one or two out there are thinking, "JUST?!?!"). We have worked at it intentionally and made it a priority, for several reasons:

• Health/disposition of the baby
• Time together as a couple in the evenings, from about 7:30/8pm on
  
• Sanity of mom! :)
  

I have heard other moms gripe about this aspect of child rearing (moms who are still waking up with a 2, 3, or 4 year old, or parents whose children get out of bed for that proverbial "glass of water" about 6 times a night), and so I want to openly share what has worked for us. While these things aren't some kind of magic "formula", I do believe that they have each contributed to having three (working on four) "good sleepers" in our young family.

(1) Our kids have all started out on a Babywise routine, and have slept through the night by 5 & 1/2, 8, and 10 weeks respectively (we'll see how Silas does... he'll be 4 weeks old tomorrow and he's doing two 4-hour stretches). We try to help our children have good sleep habits from the beginning. With four very different children (different personalities, body types, weights, and one with reflux), this simple method (eat/wake/sleep cycle at roughly 2-3 hours between day feedings) of helping get an infant into a basic routine has been such a blessing for our family.

If you're a pregnant mom, check it out. If you're an exhausted mom, check it out. If you're just curious, check it out. I've loved it and have found it to be a wonderful tool for our family's rest, health, and sanity. You can check it out here.

(2) Consistent bedtime, with no ins and outs. Occasional legitimate bathroom needs or sickness are acceptable, but anything else will teach their little minds to come up with "excuses" to be out of bed! From about 6-8 months on, our kids are in bed by 8pm and sleep until about 7am. A consistent, predictable bedtime helps their active & growing bodies get the rest they need. And it gives mommy and daddy a built-in together time. Even if we never left the house for an official "date" (which we occasionally do), we have built in that needed time together in the evenings to maintain and strengthen our relationship as husband and wife.

(3) "But what about crying it out?" We have never used the "cry it out" method with an infant. That said, once a child is consistently sleeping through the night and starts waking up, we check for any unmet needs or problems:

• "is she teething?--if so, offer an icee and perhaps some tylenol
  
• "does he have gas?"-- if so, use gas drops. liberally.
• "is an arm stuck through the crib slats?"--if so, gently remove it and console baby. ;-)
• "did something scare him?"-- if so, snuggle and help him calm down.
  
• "does she need her diaper changed?"
• "is she sick?"
  
• etc.
  

Once we've gone through the list of possible needs/problems, and feel confident that all needs have been met (even if it's just that they were scared and woke up needing a quick snuggle), we put them back to bed and expect them to sleep.

Both older boys went through a period of waking up randomly with no needs or problems. In that circumstance, once they have exhibited a consistent ability to fall and stay asleep for the entire night, and their needs have been met, we expect them to sleep at night. It's that simple. So both boys had about three nights of "crying it out" to get back into that normal nighttime rhythm. The first night, they cried for the longest. The second night was less, and the third night was virtually none. After that, they (neither one) have had any night wakings aside from the very infrequent sickness or nightmare.

Some moms balk at "crying it out", but really, three nights of fairly short crying (the sum of which might amount to 2-3 hours total, if that) is a small "price" to pay for the entire family getting the rest they need. Particularly as compared to months or even years of time without a full night's rest for mom or baby.

(4) Two or more children in the same room? Instead of hassling with separate bedtimes, or worrying that they'll talk themselves into oblivion, play Bible stories and God-honoring music on tapes or CDs to fill that time while they're falling asleep! Not only does it help them to fall asleep, but it also occupies their minds with wholesome things. My sons have learned worship songs, memorized scripture, and had the stories of the Bible planted in their minds and hearts during this time between bedtime and falling asleep. A mom of eight recommended this to me, and since we began implementing it, we've never stopped. Our sons love it (they have something neat to look forward to as they get ready for bed), we love it, and I believe God is using that time to teach our sons and draw them to Himself, as they learn to worship and love His stories in those 20-30 minutes as they're falling asleep.


So those are my basic tips for avoiding the "bedtime battle", with little ones at least. Perhaps you disagree philosophically with one of my points. That's fine; I'm just sharing what has worked for us. I'm not attempting to say that it would work for everyone.

We've worked hard to help our children get the consistent rest they need, and because they've always gone to bed at a reasonable time, they happily go to bed now-- it's not work, it's not a fight, and it never has been. And as a bonus, Doug & I have built-in time together in our evenings. It's a blessing for everyone!


Hopefully something from our experiences can bless you, too. Sleep well! :)

Food for Thought for Homeschool Moms (and other onlookers)

"In a seemingly obscure NT passage of Scripture, Jesus says some of the most profound words concerning education and discipleship in the entire Bible. Luke records His words: 'A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher.' (Luke 6:40) ... This raises one of the most important questions Christian parents will face concerning the discipleship of their children. Whom will your children resemble at the completion of their 'formal' education?"

~Voddie Baucham Jr. , Family Driven Faith, p.123

Of course, this makes me consider carefully who else I might ever put as a teacher over my children (I currently teach our children at home, and my husband does an excellent job discipling through regular family devotions and life-on-life discipleship of our children). And when I first read this passage, I'll be honest-- that's where my mind went... "wow! I can't imagine putting some other random person or entity in charge of my children's character!"

But it also reminds me of my own inadequacies as a teacher of my children. If my children continue to be fully trained by my husband and I, will that be enough? Am I being all that I want them to one day be? And of course, the answer is woefully "no". I lack so much that I want them to have. When I look at the other options, though, I am personally convicted that the responsibility rests on me to teach my children (even if I eventually "outsource" for things like geometry and physics).

Which means I need to BE what I want them to become.

I've got a judgmental/critical spirit that needs to be turned away from. I've got impatience, arrogance, hatred, bitterness, and more that needs to be dealt with... and I lack the self-control, love for others, and compassion that I desperately want my children to have. It is ridiculous for me to try to teach them to avoid doing the things that they consistently see me doing (losing my temper, criticizing others)... and it is silly for me to hope to teach them to consistently do things that I don't do (take my frustrations to God in prayer first, for example) .

Which means I've got a lot of work to do. The only solution, of course, is that I intentionally and willfully make Jesus my teacher-- and prayerfully strive to become more and more filled with Him, and thus, more and more like Him. I must be in the Word-- I must be filling my mind with the pure, good, and right, and casting off those sins that would destroy both me and my children.

It's a tall order-- only possible with His grace.

Treating Children as Individuals

Confession time: lately, between nighttime feedings, trying to carefully use our pre-made frozen meals, and snuggling with this new little fun person in our family, I've found myself making blanket statements to our three oldest children:

"Go find something to do that doesn't involve bothering each other."

"Everybody just grab a book and pick a couch that someone else isn't sitting on and READ!"

"Go pick a toy and play with it. By yourself. NOW."

And while I realize that these are some of the most difficult times-- transition as a family, lack of sleep, emotional and hormonal upheaval-- and while I recognize that this is merely survival mode... I still can hear myself reminding me, "they are each individuals-- you need to be parenting each one wisely!"

We try to do this normally-- assessing each one and trying to meet his/her needs and help him/her to rein in/fight those things that are problem areas. But I'm definitely having to be more intentional about it in this time of transition. It's so easy to let things go-- but they need me now too. They need me to still meet their needs- and that includes character needs.

The one who needs to be taught that emotions are not for manipulating others. The one who needs to learn to sit still, stop fidgeting and PAY ATTENTION, at least for a few minutes a day. :) The one who needs to learn the joy of focusing on making others happy rather than himself. The one who needs to stop hitting at the slightest hint of frustration. The one who needs more affection normally anyway. The one who needs face-to-face time together. The one who longs to be particularly near me throughout the day. I've got to keep these things in mind, even as I'm adding a new personality and new routine to the mix of our family dynamics.

It ain't easy, but if I can just put it (and keep it) in perspective, it'll be eternally worthwhile.

Pondering Parenting: Avoiding Getting Sucked In

Ever been to Ikea? If you're trying to avoid spending money and prefer to just browse, going into Ikea is like walking into an extra-overloaded minefield with clown shoes on... it's next to impossible not to be stopped from your mission without getting blasted (i.e., it's next to impossible to walk out of Ikea without having purchased something).

In my mind, that's similar to what's happening in our culture... our children are getting blasted from the excesses of our culture- and it's extremely difficult to avoid having them "buy in" to it. They are growing up amidst more overt materialism and rampant immorality (from Enron execs to NY Governors to Colorado mega-church pastors) than any generation in recent memory.

And yet many parents continue to sit back, send their kids through the cultural "machine" and then seem surprised to find themselves with a Matthew-McConaughey-"Failure to Launch"-type-kid -- an over-grown child who doesn't ever grow up and go out into the world to find a wife and a life. These "kidults" or "adultescents" have been talked about many times, both here at Making Home and many other places, before, so I'm not going to go there today.

But I want to "rewind", so to speak, and just consider one thing, asked by a thoughtful mother in Rod Dreher's book, "Crunchy Cons":

"It's hard enough for an adult, mature in faith and with a coherent moral and political philosophy, to withstand the barrage of sexuality and materialism she encounters every day. How can we begin to hope that our children can sift through that on their own and come out unscathed?"

It (sometimes) shocks me to see the way Christian parents buy into this have-it-all, 'have-it-your-way' culture for their children but then expect their children to turn out differently. When I hear (or read) Christian parents say things like, "you can't fight it-- every kid has x, y, and z, so we bought one for Blake too.", or "Every kid these days watches moves like blah-blah-blah; Brenna would feel left out if she didn't get to see it.", I find myself wondering: whatever happened to parents who said things like, "if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?" Where did those parents go? Are we so intimidated by and entrenched in this "Disneyland" of American culture that we feel powerless to stand up against it?

Dreher also quotes E.F. Schumacher who noted, "It takes a good deal of courage to say 'no' to the fashions and fascinations of the age..."

So my question for you (and for me) today is this:
What are you doing in your family life to instill in your child(ren) the courage to say "no" to the fashions and fascinations of this age? And what things are you intentionally not doing in your family life to instill in your child(ren) the courage to say "no"?

Or, in other words, why would your children not get sucked into indulging in materialism and immorality? Why will they be any different?

It's not necessarily about eschewing video games, TV, or personal laptops, cell phones, iPods, and Wii's for every child in the family, although it might include avoiding or limiting some of those things. I'm not aiming to compile a list of rules-- but rather, I'd like to hear from you what your family philosophy is about materialism and the morals presented in American culture. What are some of the (specific or broad) ways that you seek to instill different values in your own children?

Thoughts on Being Wife & Mother: A Letter to My Daughter

While I'm sharing about childbirth and labor experiences, I thought I'd share a letter about these things that I recently wrote to my daughter, in her celebration book. (I don't really keep a "baby book", per se, for her. I started a memory book for her to record her major "firsts" and anything I or others want to share with her for her to read as she grows to be a young woman.) So here's the letter I wrote a couple weeks ago, as I began to prepare for the end of this pregnancy:

*******

Being a wife and mommy, Maranatha-- there is NOTHING like it!

I'm no expert. I've been a wife for almost 8 years and a mom for almost 6-- but I'm telling you- WHAT an adventure! This silly "modern" world will tell you that 'you can do anything a man can do'-- and to some degree, they've made it so that that's true (although men still have the corner on being daddies!). :-) But here's what they don't tell you: you can do some things, Maranatha, that NO man can do.

If God allows it, you can carry a baby inside your very own skin- feeling his or her little feet and fists and knees draw circles on the inside of your belly. You can lay in bed and marvel at this precious child inside of you in a way that no man will ever know. You can nurse a little one-- and know the joy of being used by God to nurture and sustain the life of a darling little human, created by God in His image.

Oh, and Maranatha-- there are so many things God teaches us through these roles of wife and mother.

1. These roles connect us to God. *When you've literally given up your name and identity to submit and be a helper for the husband God gives you, what a picture that is of how we should be all the more submissive to and identified with Christ! *When you've poured out every drop of energy, sleep, breastmilk, love and attention that you possess for a little person who (at 3-4 weeks old) still doesn't even smile at you-- you have a sense of how much God gives us, though we do absolutely nothing for Him. *When your child is sick or in danger, you begin to comprehend how DEEPLY God loves us. *When you have a second child, you begin to understand how God can love each of us SO intensely, though we are all so different from one another.
2. These roles connect us to Jesus' birth and life. *How sweet it is to have a baby growing inside of you and reflect on what Mary must have felt and dreamed for the baby Jesus in her womb. *How amazing to consider that this young Hebrew girl didn't have babycenter.com or "What to Expect When You're Expecting" or parenting classes at the hospital-- and yet, God gave her a cousin to assist through the labor & delivery of John the Baptist, so that she (a virgin) might be ready for this pain and work of bringing a baby into the world. *How sweet to nurse my babies, inspecting each hair swirl and toe and gazing into their eyes, and try to identify what Mary must've felt as she did these same things, knowing that THOSE hair swirls, toes, and eyes were formed, NOT by two humans' intercourse, but by GOD! * And I don't yet have a 33-year-old son, but I imagine I will one day be able to reflect all the more on Christ's death by considering Mary's anguish as a mother at the cross.
3. These roles connect us to the Word of God. As a wife and mother, we are so connected to these stories of the women of the Bible, and can far better understand so much of the Word of God as we grow as women. *Hannah's longing for a child, *Sarai's quickness to "fix" the problem of not having a son, followed by her rage and jealousy towards Hagar, *Hagar's sorrow for Ishmael, when she thought they would die in the desert, *Rebekah's nature of trickery and manipulation on behalf of her son-- (your love for your children -if you don't submit that to God- can cause sin in your life!), *Rachel's intense jealousy and hatred of her own sister, all over children and jealousy (you'll see when you get to be a mommy one day-- comparisons KILL!), *Song of Solomon--what a wonder it is to love a husband and be able to draw insight from the Word about human and divine love, *Verses that compare God to a mother caring for children or nursing her baby.

Precious one, there is so much this world wants to 'teach' you, and there will be so many things that will vie for your heart and mind-- but I would urge you with all of my heart and mind to seek out the ways of God instead.

Instead of trying to be like a man, be the whole and complete woman that GOD MADE YOU to be! And Maranatha, that may or may not include being a wife. It may or may not include having biological children. It may or may not include breastfeeding. These things are all precious gifts from God, and they are indeed what women are designed for.

But, baby girl, whatever God crafts you for-- do it with ALL your heart and ALL YOUR MIGHT-- as a woman who longs to better know and please God through your experiences in this sinful (but still beautifully created) world.

Don't buy the lies that your worth is found in "breaking down barriers" of gender. Trust the way God designed you and let HIM direct your path. Oh how I love you, precious one. I can't wait to see what God will do with you in your life.

All My Love,
Mommy

p.s.- There are many woman who have been faithful in their service for Jesus Christ who have not known what it is to be a wife and/or mother. And yet they were and are gloriously designed by God and used for HIS purposes. It is not these roles which I seek to praise-- but GOD! His designs and purposes for us are perfect-- whatever they do or don't include. I praise Him for His design of women- married and single alike. He has wonderfully made us!

But I share all of this as a caution for you-- don't listen to the world and its goals for your life. Seek God and HE WILL make your path straight, darling girl. He is faithful; the world is fickle. TRUST HIM!

*******

And I pray God's blessings will rest on you, as a woman, wherever God has you on this path of womanhood. His plans for us are amazing and we will do well t