Unforgiveness & How Soon You Wash the Dish

Dishes get dirty.

Some meals (say, a ham sandwich with some Lays and an apple) leave almost no crumbs. But while we eat meals like that from time to time, we also all eat meals (say, spaghetti & meatballs with salad & dressing, or oatmeal with brown sugar and drizzled maple syrup) where our dish ends up dirty.

Relationships, especially everyday relationships, are like that dish.

Day in, day out, week in, week out, getting used.

Sometimes that dish can be brushed right off. It was used, but if you look at it, you can hardly tell. But in any dish that's really being USED, the time comes that you're going to have to wash it. The mess is ugly, and everyone looking on knows it.

Every dish gets that way from time to time.

Every relationship gets that way too.

FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is when the dish is made clean. The old has gone, and the mess is no longer where the focus is.

Dishes weren't made to be relics that show just how dirty they once got. Relationships aren't made to be relics that tell the story of just how sinful he was, just how sinful she was, just how sinful I was, just how sinful you were.

Dishes are made to serve up meals that enable growth. Relationships are also made for growth... to fortify and strengthen us, to sharpen and shape us, to nourish and encourage us for the journey, and biblically, to propel us Godward.

WASH THE DISH
Dishes are much easier to wash when the mess is freshly made.

And I think forgiveness can be like that too.

When Doug & I argue, there may be a short time where we need to breathe deeply and remind ourselves to let love carry the day, but we forgive before the night is out, and we keep accounts short. It's easier to wash the dish right away than to let it sit and harden.

The mess is easier to clean up when it's not also hardened and stinky and germ-infested.

UNFORGIVENESS
Unforgiveness is like using your bowl for oatmeal and setting it on the counter. There's a mess in there and you know it. It's hardening by the minute.

UNFORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE/OTHER DAILY RELATIONSHIPS
The problem is that that relationship still exists and needs to be used. So you pick it back up but- "UGH! There's a mess in there. I hate this bowl. I hate this stench."- but you go on and pour your cornflakes because you need to eat. Pretty soon that same bowl is back in that same spot but now there's some bits of cornflake stuck on there too. Hardening.

Before long it's time to eat some soup and so you- "gulp"- get over your grossed-out-ness and grab the bowl. Now you're sucking down mold and bits of whatever that was from a few breakfasts ago, everytime you eat.

Unforgiveness does that to us.

We keep choking on the thing that hurt us ages ago because we didn't deal with it rightly. We didn't work through it. We didn't choose love in action. We didn't choose to walk in health and peace and biblical reconciliation. And so we keep choking and hurting and being grossed out and angry by the thing that ultimately, we should have dealt with through forgiveness.

WHAT ABOUT IF I HAVEN'T WASHED THE DISH RIGHT AWAY?
Well, we all have done this (at least a little bit) in real life, haven't we? Dishes can get nasty dirty and the food seems utterly cemented on... while it appears impossible and we could kill ourselves trying to scrape that dadgum 3-day-old-spaghetti sauce OFF the plate, that's not ultimately the answer. No.

What has to happen? The dish needs to soak and soften.

We can be that way too-- we can scrape and work and weary ourselves trying to drum up some kind of human forgiveness, or we can stop. We can soak ourselves, washing ourselves in the water of the Word, ruminating around in the messages of our Lord-- "forgive us as we forgive those who have sinned against us," (which means according to the same measure that we forgive) "forgive from your heart," "be reconciled" -- reminding ourselves of the great forgiveness we ourselves have received.

This. THIS is what changes our hearts and makes us forgivers.

WHAT KIND OF HABIT WILL YOU HAVE?
Let me encourage you, and let me challenge myself... make it a habit to "wash your dishes" soon after they get "dirty." It's so much easier that way. It truly is EASIER. Forgive your husband. Forgive your mother-in-law. Forgive the friend that hurt you. Forgive your sister or brother.

Forgive. 

Today is a new day for each of us. Be-- become-- a person known for forgiving.

WORK On Your Marriage (Trail Blaze #7)

It's common advice, nothing fancy about it:

WORK 

ON 

YOUR 

MARRIAGE.

But that's kind of the problem, isn't it? People ignore the advice because there's nothing fancy about it.

The movies make it look so effortless. Steamy books and TV shows make it seem that every moment of a successful male-female relationship should curl-your-toes and ooze with sexiness.

But Godly people should NOT take cues from an ungodly culture. Marriage is not rocket science, but it's also not a cakewalk.

"WORK ON..."
This is the the least 'sexy' part about this advice. But the ironic part of it is that working on your marriage LEADS TO the truly sexy things of marriage.

It can seem so boring, but the reality is that WORKING on your marriage produces a marriage that is vibrant and alive. 

Recently, I got an email from a reader who asked me a lot of questions about how to stop living like roommates, and start living like lovers & friends again. After sharing a few thoughts & pointing her in the direction of an article I'd written about intentionally having "check-ups" in your marriage, she wrote back the following:

"Years ago, things like that didn't seem spontaneous enough. But now with time being of the essence, I think I see the value. You've encouraged me to be a bit bolder."

The truth is that if we act intentionally (not in a boring, plodding way, but in a purposeful way) at times when things are going well, the relationship won't deteriorate near as easily. But when we think that WORK is unnecessary (or perhaps, like she said, maybe not spontaneous or romantic or "natural" enough), then things often deteriorate to the point where it takes much more effort and work (and will probably feel more forced than it would have in the "good" times) in order to resuscitate what has lost vigor and vitality.

So, yes. WORK. Work at it.

Work diligently to invest in your marriage. 

Even though you're tired, make the effort to reach out (or respond to his suggestion) and make love. When you intentionally surrender and release yourself into the moment, you'll find it more enjoyable than you would have thought possible.

WORK to discuss things when they come up (problems between the two of you, AND just general things going on in your heart and life) so that then when you have time to be intimate, your mind, body, and soul will already be geared toward connection with and healthy relationship with your husband.

When you're broke, work to have special times together at home, even if you can't afford a date. We have been through nearly a decade at this point of having very infrequent, sometimes nonexistent date nights. When we lived overseas, opportunities to get out alone together were rare. When we had the opportunity, we took it. And when we didn't, we worked to make time where we could be alone, at home together. That meant getting the kids in bed earlier, and eschewing certain things like wrapping up the dishes or catching up on a show or e-mails so that we could spend intentional time together.

Contrary to what we are led to believe, having a healthy, fun marriage takes work.

"...YOUR..."
Your marriage.

Yours. Not your parents'. Not your best friend's. Not mine. Yours.

Comparison leads to discontentment, so don't compare your marriage to others'. Each person has their own load to carry. Catch a vision from God about what He can do in YOUR marriage. And then work on it.

Talk, intentionally, about what's going on in your marriage. Use the questions Doug & I use for annual marriage check-ups, or think up some of your own.

Here's the truth: your marriage is not magically going to go the distance. Sin, selfishness, human frailty, and time will wear on your relationship unless you are actively pouring into it.

You will not magically wake up one day at 65 or 70 years old with a God-honoring, healthy, joyful relationship with your spouse. [Click to TWEET that.] You must work at it. 

Work on YOUR marriage.

Look at the places where your particular relationship needs effort. Just like each garden has its own spots that can get out of control, and no two gardens are identical, the same is true for marriage.

Your friends may have trouble communicating. Perhaps your husband is non-responsive in the bedroom. Maybe your mom was domineering toward your dad, but you have the opposite problem: you're a doormat. Maybe your sister-in-law is a great homemaker but your giftings lie elsewhere.

Don't look at other people to try to determine what YOU need to work on in your marriage. Examine YOUR marriage. 

Determine where YOU need to be at work in it, and how you can develop oneness with your husband. Catch a vision for what your marriage can look 25, 40, 50 years from now. 

And then get after it. Get to work.

"...MARRIAGE."
This is not a business partnership or a roommate situation. You are not merely raising children together, nor are you only sexually connected. This is not a train track situation where you lead lives endlessly pointed in the same direction, but never actually connect.

God means for you to be knit together with your husband. This means that you need to be connected- living your lives together. Intentionally growing, intentionally connecting... sharing your dreams and hopes and lives. Iron sharpening one another, each of you propelling the other closer to Christ, and closer to Christlikeness, than you would by yourself.

Caring for one another, you are each nourished and stronger than you could be on your own.

OR NOT.
OR, you can NOT work on your marriage. Keep going as you always have. Keep getting what you've always gotten.

The choice is yours, and mine, to make today and every day from this point forward.


Good marriages don't just happen. They take work. 

[TWEET THAT.]



ARTICLES TO HELP YOU WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE:

• The Intentional Marriage - PRACTICAL TIPS FOR A STRONG MARRIAGE
• STUDY YOUR HUSBAND- Pay attention to what YOUR man prefers/enjoys.
• The Annual Marriage Questionnaire- QUESTIONS FOR INSIGHTFUL DISCUSSION 
• Intimate Deprivation- Can a Christian couple have a sexless marriage?
• WHEN SEX DRIVES DON'T MATCH- John Piper weighs in
• COMPARING YOUR SPOUSE- Allistair Begg's wise encouragement about marriage.

Images courtesy of StockImages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Intentional Marriage

{This article originally published 8/25/08. Edited & republished 10/8/13.}

In life, we could just put one foot in front of the other and "make it". OR, we can live intentionally and really engage in the adventure of sanctification God has laid out for us.

This is true of all areas of life, but it's definitely true for married life. Here are some ways that Doug & I have gone about intentionally living in, growing in, and fortifying our marriage:

* WE TALK, TALK, TALK. That doesn't mean that's all we do... but we talk through the things on our minds and hearts. The stresses, the good things. The difficult and wonderful things.

Here's one way that we initially started doing this:

"HIGH/LOW"-- with this, you just share the "HIGH" and the "LOW" for that particular day. It's a low time commitment, but that way you're seeing the good and hard things in each other's lives. We don't do this very often now, because we're so used to talking about life together. But in the beginning of our marriage, particularly in the seasons where we were spending more time apart than together, this helped us to develop the habit of regular communication about the things that matter.

Now, our conversations usually start with, "what's on your mind?" Or, "what are you reading about?"

* WE SERVE EACH OTHER. He pours me big glasses of sweet tea. I make meals that he specifically likes. He gives me a foot rub several nights a week while we talk on the couch. I organize his books. He'll take the kids to the park so I can have some writing time. I keep the kids quiet some mornings so he can sleep in an extra hour or two. We BOTH contribute to each other's sanity in big and small ways.

* WE KEEP THE PHYSICAL "FIRES" BURNING. If you've read here much at all, you know this is a big one for me. It's also one that I don't want to give too many specifics about in such a public forum. You can always e-mail me if you want to talk through specific questions/situations, etc.

But I will say these things: He's not the only one who initiates. We make this part of our relationship a very crucial, regular, fun, growing, and passionate priority. We work hard to make this a really wonderful time to come together and re-connect. We still flirt with each other.

And we don't say no.

On that last point, here are some things that help me put it into perspective:

1. When I'm 75, or one day at my husband's funeral, will I look back with regret at consistently (or even occasionally) having told him "no" when he tried to pursue me? Or with satisfaction and thankfulness because I really did get outside of myself and love and serve my dh in this area of marital intimacy?
2. Have I ever regretted doing it? (For many women, "it's like exercise"-- even when you weren't wanting to, you're never sorry once you've done it.)
3. I'm the only woman who can righteously love my husband in this way.
4. A friend of mine likened intimacy for women to a campfire... if you keep the coals warm, it's easier to get things blazing again than if you let the fire go out between uses. SO, don't go too long between times. Keep those coals warm and ready for a regular fire. Yes, I'm saying have sex more often, not less.
5. The optimal sexual encounter lasts between 3 and 13 minutes. SURELY we can make time for 3 to 13 minutes, even on our busiest days!

* WE STILL DATE EACH OTHER. Ours doesn't look like actual "go out to the movies" kind of dates very often ... BUT, our kids are in bed every night by 7:30/8pm. So, we can kind of have a date night whenever we want. Sometimes we'll watch a comedy and laugh together. Or we'll sit on the couch and read together, with our legs touching and the occasional smile and wink as we turn a page. Little things like that can really re-connect you in the midst of the storm. The point is to take time to BE together and enjoy it.

WAYS TO BUILD THE RELATIONSHIP THROUGHOUT EACH DAY:

• Before he leaves for work, tell him something you respect him for, and give him a big nice long kiss.
• When he passes you in the kitchen while you're making dinner, flirt with each other... don't lose sight of the fact that this was the man that 3, 10, or 35 years ago, you couldn't WAIT to be around!
• At dinner, make a point to really talk and listen to each other. Even if it's only for 5-10 minutes of the meal, intentionally connect during that time. Sure, when you have little ones, one of you is cutting pieces of chicken into smaller bites and the other one is grabbing a dish towel cause the child who always spills something at every meal has struck again... but that's life. Smile. Look at one another. Enjoy those moments together.
• Get on the same page about the things that matter... money, kids, extended family relationships, time management, etc. Talk through these things and approach them as working together as a team rather than as each of you picking the other apart or trying to "fix" what's wrong with the other person. And respect his leadership in these areas as the head of the home.
• Try to still do the things that connected you early on... holding hands, kissing for more than a short peck, leaving each other notes (if you did that), talking about baseball/music/politics (whatever it was you loved discussing together), etc.
• BUT ALSO-- find some new things that can connect you. Perhaps he's knee-deep in learning about real estate, or the five points of Calvinism, or various approaches to website building, or some such thing. FIND POINTS of discussion and sharing about those things. And share with him the things YOU'RE thinking about and learning. Don't brush each other off and just say, "oh, he's talking about x... I'll never understand why he cares about that." Or "homeschooling is my thing..." and then zone out. Bring each other along for the journeys you're both on. Delight in the things that the other is delighting in. Learn about the things that matter to him (like drafting a killer resume for his upcoming job search, or March Madness). Talk through the things that are troubling you. Share the concerns you have about a particular child's behavior, or the relationship with the in-laws, or the direction your church is heading.

SHARE LIFE TOGETHER!
Don't just live life on parallel tracks... get on the SAME track and travel it together. Something I find helpful during stressful moments is to realize that this is God's adventure for OUR lives. This is my real marriage. This is my real family.

THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. 

I won't get these moments back; 

I won't get a re-do. 

[Tweet that.]

The way I'm living now can't be altered later. The way my marriage is now can't be erased and re-written. I need to walk in the way that I will want to have walked when I am old.

Thoughts? Anything you want to add?

When Your Husband Listens To You

Ever read Genesis 3? It's the chapter where sin enters the picture. One verse previous, Adam & Eve are frolicking in the perfect garden God crafted for them, naked & unashamed. But by Chapter 3, everything goes awry.

Genesis 3 teaches me, frames my theology, and makes me long to walk with God in Heaven. 

One thing I read there is haunting-- it stands as a warning to you and I.

It's in verse 17, just after Eve is told that having babies is gonna hurt:

To Adam he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the ground because of you..."

Did you catch that first reason listed?

"BECAUSE YOU LISTENED"

It's terrifying, isn't it? 

Can you imagine God speaking of the advice and counsel you've given your husband and saying that because he listened to you, he, his work, and the entire world and everyone who ever lives in it, will be cursed?

"Because you listened to the voice of your wife..."

As married women of God, we must soberly evaluate the counsel we give to our husbands.  

Today I am asking myself, and I encourage you to consider:

• Are my words to my husband infused with wisdom from Scripture?
• Do I encourage him to walk in the Spirit or in the flesh?
• Does my voice motivate and encourage him, or tear him down?
• Can he rely on the counsel I give, knowing I don't speak out of temptation or emotion?
• Can his heart trust in me?

How is God teaching and growing you in the area of being a godly counselor for your husband?

Image courtesy of photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Not Going to Bed Angry (Trail Blaze #4)

From the very beginning of our marriage, we've made it a priority to not go to bed angry.

"Do not let the sun go down on your anger" ~Ephesians 4:26

The Bible lays this out as a clear principle, and someone, at some point counseled us about how important it was.  So we didn't.  And the first few times it felt so pointless.  Several times we stayed up until 2 or 3am just working through an argument to get to the point of forgiveness, or at least mutual understanding where anger was not present, and we could move forward in unity as a "team".

Sometimes it's been him and sometimes it's been me, but each of us has been angry enough to want to pitch this rule if not for the other hounding us to not let the issue carry on into the next day.  The result has been that we don't seethe, stacking up our bitterness and anger and frustrations one on top of the other.

It has taught us to work through conflict at the time that it comes up, and not let it build up to a fever pitch of fury and loathing.

Just a few months ago, after a disagreement of some kind (of course now I don't even remember what it was), I quietly grabbed my things and sneaked out to the couch... I was hell-bent, stubborn in my refusal to grab my pillows and head back to bed.  (I will not share with you the thoughts going through my head but suffice it to say I was NOT thinking nice things.  I was ready to sit on that couch until the end of time.)  But he came out and pursued me... reminded me how much more important our relationship is than a little sleep... we worked through it and went to bed at peace-- unified.

Even after all these years, it did not come naturally to work through problems.  It still takes effort from us both in order to make it happen.  Him pursuing me, and me yielding... or me pursuing conversation with him, and him entering into that communication.

It is so easy to let momentary frustrations carry the day (or the night) and keep you in a state of unforgiveness and anger, but it is so much better to force communication (even when we don't want to!) in order to pursue peace in our marriages.

Don't let the anger of one stupid argument (that you won't even remember later) stack up bitterness in your relationship.  Maintain peace and unity as the "status quo" of your relationship.

Seeking Wise Counsel

There are some things Doug and I aren't great at, or have flubbed over the years. We're lousy at keeping our master bedroom clean, and we have made some short-sighted financial decisions that cost us more than a pretty penny.

But one thing we've (in my opinion) done well over the last 11 years of marriage is that we regularly seek wise counsel.

Of course we read Scripture, and seek to line up our lives with what we find there, and we don't just fly off and talk to large swathes of people before talking things through together just the two of us.

But we have found it extremely valuable to proactively pursue the advice and counsel of godly people God has put in our lives.

SEEK!

We actively ask for the input of people we respect and love, that are farther down life's roads than we are. If we're talking about parenting issues, we listen to people whose parenting we've watched and admired. If we're talking about life decisions, we talk to people who are wise and who live thoughtfully and intentionally. Sometimes we'll read an article, listen to a sermon online, or talk to similar-aged peers about it, but honestly, that's not often. We've just gained so much by seeking out the godly counsel of wise believers, that it's become a regularly-walked path in our lives.

For example, when I received a perplexing and very important letter from a friend a couple years ago, and didn't know how to respond, I talked it over with Doug, we gave it some thought, and then I called Angie, my dear friend and wise mentor. She offered some really great insights and helped me to walk through the issue in a way that led to the continuance of a peaceful relationship with that friend. When Doug & I have weighed job decisions, we make time to talk with friends around the world who have shown themselves to have godly priorities, who consistently make wise choices with their lives. Their advice has been so relevant and so helpful; we always walk away with something to consider or discuss.

We don't just have these conversations if we happen to be around them... we intentionally choose to ask for input, and deliberately seek it out from friends we respect.

WISE

One thing to consider is where you're getting your advice... sometimes a group of young moms can end up talking circles around something, whereas a mom with a couple decades of experience can put that same issue in perspective quite easily. Sometimes we miss big Truths because we're getting input and advice from people who are just as clueless as we ourselves are. So, I'd encourage you, in your decisions, to seek out people who have proven themselves wise... not over weeks or months, but over years and decades. Don't just seek a stamp of approval for what you are wanting to do... talk with godly friends before decisions are made, and go into these conversations with an open mind!

Ask-- what is the likely "fruit" of following the advice of the person(s) I'm listening to? Remember that old saying, "consider the source"... a bunch of moms on an internet message board may or may not have good advice, but if you carefully watch two or three moms in real life, and you see their children in living color, you can much more easily discern the value of the advice they're dishing out, for good or for ill.

Be discerning as to where your advice/decision-making process is coming from. Are you simply "following your gut"? Are your priorities coming from Scripture? Is your advice coming out of culture? Is it coming from wise, godly counselors? Think carefully about what is influencing the decisions you make.

COUNSEL

Reaching out to, and implementing the advice of, wise counselors has been a significant part of our married life... some of our very best friends are people who have proven themselves to be wise advisors. Sometimes life gets messy, or you're so deep in the midst of a problem that you can't see your way out. It is such a gift to have trusted people to whom you can turn when things get murky, and that's a benefit of the Body of Christ. We can turn to people within the Body and learn from one another!

AND AFTER YOU SEEK WISE COUNSEL...

Pray, talk things over with your spouse, parents, or trusted friends, and see what God would have you do. At the end of the day, counsel is just counsel. No one else can make a decision for you or live your life for you... so, once you've sought out wise counselors, and they've offered you insight, prayers, and advice, you still have to walk forward, ultimately, with prayer and in faith.

I don't want to overstate the importance of godly friends and counselors, and yet, I think it's extremely beneficial and biblical to have a number of wise, experienced, advice-givers in life.

The Bible has a lot to say about counsel. I'll close by sharing some verses:

• "The fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice." ~Proverbs 12:15
• "Who is this who darkens counsel without knowledge?" ~Job 38:2~ (This if from God, talking to Job. It is a serious thing when counsel is offered without knowledge to back it up... and yet, it happens all the time-- we must be discerning to the advice we heed!)
• "Jonathan, David's uncle, was a counselor, being a man of understanding..."~1 Chronicles 27
• "Listen to advice, and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future." ~Proverbs 19:20
• "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked..." ~Psalm 1:1
• "I bless the LORD Who gives me counsel..." ~Psalm 16:7
• "In an abundance of counselors there is safety." ~Proverbs 11:14
• "The sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel." ~Proverbs 27:9
• "His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor..." ~Isaiah 9:6

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Deciding to Stay Home, Part Two

{Click here to read Part One}

... So, there we were, newly married & living large in the center of the free world. I had a job I could not have even dreamed up, full of variety and opportunities for learning & growth in the area I was passionate about: politics. Doug got a not-so-very-exciting job checking coats in the cloakrooms of the National Gallery of Art, but it was still very exciting, because -- for crying out loud!-- he was working at the National Gallery of Art, surrounded by Rembrandt, Calder, Monet, Rothko, van Gogh, and whenever we wanted we could just browse through and go see my favorite painting in the world... "Repose" by John Singer Sargent.

Did you click on that link? Isn't it lovely? So relaxing...

Anyway, it was a great time in our lives. We shopped at Trader Joes in Old Town Alexandria, walked two miles a day getting to and from the metro, and generally had a blast together. What a great place to be when you're a carefree, happily-in-love couple on a relatively tight budget (yes, I made good money for a recent college grad, but it's still DC, and things were tight). We took in the sights, enjoyed the cherry blossoms, and life was a joyful blur lived alongside one another.

We still look back to that time together as a time that strengthened our relationship. When we wanted entertainment (mind you, this was before the 2-laptop, each with their own ipad & iphone, texting and typing in the same room, family model), we pulled out a deck of cards and played canasta whilst downing Tostitos and absurd amounts of guacamole. When we needed to talk, we turned to each other. When we wanted a laugh, we laughed together. When we had a problem, we worked through it together. That time of togetherness taught us to turn to one another, rather than outside of our relationship, when we had a need, or wanted to share something important.

THE DAY WE ALL REMEMBER

One day, roughly six months after we'd moved to DC, we'd each gone to work and I was taking in the morning's news before beginning my day. Sitting at my desk, I heard the news that shook all of America -- that a plane had hit a building in NYC. I immediately called Doug and told him the news, and maybe instinctively, we reminded each other of the place where we'd said we'd meet in case anything ever went bad in DC.

I was watching the TV as the 2nd plane hit, and I just knew. We all did. When I tried to call Doug again, the lines were jammed. There was no getting through at that point, and I was so glad we had talked just minutes before. After the initial shock wore off, we realized that there was no way we would be working through that day. At some point, everyone in the office started gathering belongings and saying gentle, heartfelt goodbyes... we all felt so tender toward, and protective of, one another on that day.

A couple of the men who lived out near where we did, in Alexandria, decided to drive home with our boss (not the woman I told you about last time; she had moved over to the Dept. of Education at this point, and so this was her replacement-- a really nice man), who had driven in that morning. Knowing that we'd ridden the metro that morning (one of the stops on our line was the Pentagon, so we knew we'd not be getting home the same way we'd come), he offered the two extra seats in his car to Doug & I, and I explained that we'd need to go get him at the corner where he & I had pre-arranged to meet.

When we got out of the parking garage, it was chaos... just like a movie. Cars weaving through every which way, traffic laws ignored, bicycles cutting across, and horns blaring. It was an eerie thing, and I was so concerned; there was no way we were going to get to Doug. Just as I was sitting there worrying, one of my co-workers, Todd, said, "Hey, doesn't Doug have a yellow backpack?" I looked where he was looking, and sure enough-- there was Doug, with his backpack, fighting through traffic lanes against the flow of people walking away from the Capitol. He hopped in the car, and we were so thankful to be together, in the middle of all the chaos.

We eventually turned onto the road that passes just in front of the Capitol, and just about then was when the radio announcers began talking about a 4th plane that was still up in the air and seemed headed for D.C. It was frightening to be in that place at that time. We passed the Navy Yards, where, for the first time in my life, I saw soldiers with their fingers on the triggers of machine guns-- ready to protect and defend. It all seemed so shocking, so vivid.

A bit later, as we turned onto a major road and came up out of the buildings, we saw the smoke. That drive home... only about 15 miles... took 5 hours that day. And the smoke was there every minute, rising up from the Pentagon, reminding us of what we could not stop replaying in our minds... there had been an attack. We hung on the radio announcer's every word, and then, finally, when we got home, I think it was mid- to late-afternoon by that point, we turned on the TV. Doug saw, for the first time, what we were all so horrified about. He just hadn't fathomed how huge the holes were in the Twin Towers. And then, like the rest of you, from that time on, we were riveted by these things as we watched on TV.

MORE BIG NEWS

After that day, our personal lives changed as well... two or three short weeks after September 11th, I became pregnant with our son Ethan, who is now almost 9 years old.

We told my mom and our families almost immediately... but I didn't want to tell my co-workers for a while, and so we didn't. I had heard so many stories about women who lost job opportunities because of maternity leave, etc., and so I didn't want to raise the issue until more time had passed, until I could hide it no longer. I was personally excited -- so excited to be on my way to motherhood-- but felt professionally cautious. So October passed, and November, and December, and still, they didn't know. Sometime in January or February, when I was-- I think-- around 20 weeks along, I told my boss, and he was shocked. And then the cat was out of the bag to everyone. Which was great, because shortly thereafter, I went from losing weight to having a clearly growing belly. :)

Doug & I talked through our options and decided that the sensible thing to do was for me to keep working, since my job was so incredibly fulfilling, had the potential to launch me into incredible heights, and since --practically-- I was bringing home the bacon. Doug had finished up his last few college credits at a community college there, while working 25-30 hours per week at the National Gallery. His job was more supplemental income than foundational, at that point.

So we came to the conclusion that I would take my maternity leave, and then continue working, and he would be able to paint and work on his portfolio to get ready to apply for his MFA in painting, while caring for our baby and bringing him/her (we didn't find out with our first pregnancy) up to nurse, etc. It seemed like the perfect plan...

(Click to read: PART THREE, PART FOUR, PART FIVE.)

7 Quick Takes Friday - #6

When I have time, I sure do enjoy doing the "7 Quick Takes" posts, so I can share things on my mind, or in my life (like, check out my little rolling man over here to the right ---->). And I like hearing from you, so please, comment if you have the urge. :) Don't forget to pop over to Jen's blog if you're interested in reading others' "quick takes".

1. First, I've been a cleaning/sorting fool this week. Maybe it has something to do with sleeping all night long for more than a week, but I've had a lot of energy for organizing, editing, and pitching unnecessary stuff from our home, and it's been nice. We took 8 or 10 bags of clothes to a home where needy Central Asians will be able to take what they can use, and I got rid of a lot of clutter in our home as well (extra dining room seat cushions, unnecessary toys, ballcaps, books, magazines, and a whole lot of trash). I sorted through some of the kids' clothes we have stashed away and kept only what we'll really potentially want to use again. Having moved five times in less than five years overseas, we had quite a bit of accumulation. It feels good to tackle some of it and pare it down.
   
   
2. I realized this week that I really like decorating with words around the home. Here are a few examples:
   (made this one last year)
   
   (brought this one with us overseas)
   That last one is one I've just cut and pinned (definitely not complete... I'm thinking of adding two little feet to one side); it's from Proverbs. I hope to sew it together soon... ya know, "when I find the time". I've lived this way for several years and am once again aware of how much I love to have inspiring words, visible in our home.
   
   
3. A few things converged this week and made me think more about nighttime sleep with an infant.
   
   It seems like it can be easy to look at parenting or nighttime sleep issues philosophically when you still have the option of "sleeping every time the baby sleeps", or being at home in your pajamas all day without anyone little looking up to you as their example or educator, or when your kids are maybe spaced every 3-4 years or more. But those who are homeschooling older kids, or those who have several little ones in a row often need to think a lot more practically and realistically, and it becomes much more necessary to do like the stewardess says, and "put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping the people around you". In those situations, it can be essential to thoughtfully evaluate and meet your own needs in order that you might better care for the people entrusted to your care.
   
   Or else you can end up burned out, spent, and utterly exhausted. (Amy wrote about this recently.) Motherhood on its own (with sleep!) is tiring enough, and at the same time has been one of God's best tools for sanctification in my own life. To take responsibility for loving and meeting the needs of our kids... to love them and serve them... but in order to "love others as we love ourselves", there's an underlying assumption that we "love ourselves"... we need to take care of the body God has given to each of us.
   
   
Please hear that I am not quibbling about whether or not to meet a baby's needs, but rather, that we need to think more carefully about what constitutes a "need". For my part, I'm a firm believer in regular, nighttime rest for everyone in the family (I think this is a "need"... for all of our health and particularly for mom's sanity), and so we strive for it as soon as it can be had without crying-it-out.

And if you're a young mom who has been made to feel that being intentional about pursuing nighttime sleep is somehow negative or impossible or wrong, I just want to encourage you that it is possible to do so gently, lovingly, and fruitfully, most of the time. And that there's nothing wrong with desiring that and working towards it. Hang in there and reach up for your oxygen mask.


4. We went to Chili's for our 10-year anniversary a couple weeks ago. :)Yes, Chili's. You see, we live overseas. Never in a million years would we go to Chili's for our 10-year anniversary if we lived in the States, but when you live abroad, strange things happen to you. Our tastebuds were up in arms, and demanded some delicious tortilla chips, salsa, honey chipotle tenders, and more. So we gave into our tastebuds, even if it doesn't sound like a very glamorous date. :)My husband spoiled me rotten- I'll spare you all the details, but he really went above and beyond and surprised me several times over. I love him so much. And we really enjoyed the chips and salsa, pared with a chance to do our anniversary examination tradition.
   
   
5. Crocheted a new hat for Moses. It looks pretty cute on him, wouldn't you say? :)




6. And I made an apron for Maranatha... it matches mine, but has a different edging detail so we can easily tell them apart. She was quite excited.
   


7. And I re-used some old jeans and a dress with missing buttons, and turned them into bibs and baby shoes:
   
   
   
I guess I've felt a bit crafty lately.

So that's my 7 Quick Takes for the week. Comments or thoughts to share?

Our Simple (and Inexpensive) Wedding

Today, Crunchy Con ran a piece about simple weddings coming back en vogue, and asked people to share about their wedding if they somehow managed to avoid the extravagant $25,000+ affairs that seem to be the "norm" in the east coast.

Well, we avoided that kind of crazy price by a long shot (I think our total wedding costs may have totaled something like $2000)... so I decided to share about it here. Sadly, I don't have access to most of our wedding pictures (they're back in storage in the States)-- but I've taken some semi-fuzzy digital shots of the prints that we have here. I'll bold our money-saving ideas... I'm sure you can find more elsewhere, but this is how we pulled off an inexpensive wedding that was beautiful, intimate, and that we still look back on with delight.

PRINTED MATERIALS
For invitations, I waited to find a good deal and we chose simple, classic invitations from a company that was offering much less expensive rates. We bought some silver-inked pens and some friends and I took an afternoon to address the envelopes ourselves. We limited the amount of invitations we purchased, and nearly all the invitations were sent to people we really hoped would come-- not every Tom, Dick, and Harry we and our parents ever knew. The invitations were sent in a normal rectangular-shaped envelope, so that it did not require additional stamps.

I went into Microsoft Word & designed the wedding program myself, and had it printed on a custom-sized parchment-style paper at the local printshop. Little details like this could have really added up, but by doing them ourselves, we saved a lot of money in ways that really weren't noticeable, and in the long run, don't matter a hill of beans.

GOING TO THE CHAPEL
We got married in our college chapel... a quaint building with ethereal light drifting in the opague windows. In that chapel, I'd worshipped, poured my heart out before the Lord, repented of sins big and small, shared words of encouragement, and led fellow students in songs of praise. Because we were students, we made a deposit and received it back in full, so the location cost us nothing.

THE DRESS
Like every bride, I scoured the bridal magazines and saw dresses that were gorgeous, but found one in a magazine photo that was right up my alley. Of course, as they always are, it would have cost thousands of dollars. But at a friendly neighborhood David's Bridal, I found an almost identical dress for a few hundred dollars. The bridesmaids dresses were on sale at David's. I've since heard from friends who got even better deals at David's by being more open to anything and hitting the sales racks there.

FLOWERS & DECORATIONS
For all the typically expensive stuff, we found some friends who had hobbies in the areas of our need... we knew a young married guy who had connections in the flower business & knew where to get large amounts of flowers for much less money, so we hired him to do all our flowers-- all white daisies (my favorite). I bought glass fishbowl-like glassware (and probably some ribbon too) at a Hobby Lobby sort of store for a fraction of what it would have cost from a florist, and that friend did all the arranging.

REHEARSAL DINNER & BRIDAL PARTY GIFTS
For the rehearsal dinner, we used a dietetics major who was beginning a catering business, and it was delicious-- she worked with us to custom-make the menu and Doug's mom made a favorite family recipe for the dessert. As gifts for the bridal party, I kept my eye out for good deals and bought matching jewelry for the bridesmaids, and we ordered a set of fun-colored swiss army knives off of eBay for the groomsmen.

PHOTOGRAPHY & VIDEO
One of our friends was a campus photographer with a great eye, so we asked him if he'd be willing to do our wedding. He'd never shot a wedding before, so I made a list for him, in order (to go along with the service order), of the basic photos I wanted. I starred the ones that were most important for me, so that if he had to miss a shot, it wouldn't be one that was super-important for us to have, and he came to the rehearsal dinner to practice and get a feel for where he'd stand, where the light would be, etc. He did formal color pictures for all the normal shots, and informal, more artistic black-and-white shots for all the post-wedding & reception shots. He developed a set of prints and handed the film over to us. He did an excellent job, and for payment, my husband painted a Ruth/Boaz themed painting (the "where you go, I will go" passage was a centerpiece of our wedding vows) and traded him the painting for his photography services.

If I had it to do over again, I probably would not have paid the money for a video of our wedding. However, a close friend that sang in our wedding died suddenly only a few years later, and so I'm thankful that I have the video for that one reason. But the cost of the video (perhaps a hundred dollars? can't remember...), compared to the few times we've ever watched it, probably was not worth it.

THE RECEPTION
There was a place on campus with a wall of windows that looked out over the nearby river... we opted to have our reception there, and again, it cost (if anything) very little.

We found a comparably inexpensive local baker who did a beautiful basketweave buttercream tiered cake, and ordered from her, with fresh daisies and an antique Wilton cake topper I'd bought off eBay as decorations. She was most excited about doing the groom's cake-- a chocolate sheet cake frosted with the image of a Rothko painting on top. My husband, Doug, was a painting major, and Rothko was his favorite artist at that time. :)

For food & decor, we hired a family friend with an on-the-side catering business. She made all the reception foods, worked with the floral guy for decorations, and arranged for all the linens, etc. It was simple, as we had an afternoon wedding, with a good assortment of finger foods, desserts, and drink options. For music, we asked a close friend who played classical guitar (Thanks again, John & Julie!) to play whatever he wanted. It was beautiful accompaniment for a low-key and enjoyable reception.

WRAPPING UP
Not everyone has friends in every area necessary for pulling off a wedding, and I understand that... but really, local colleges and young businesspeople are really great resources for doing a wedding, if you're willing to work with them and help them to succeed. Asking around in your "circle" for different people who may have connections with florists, the desire to do catering jobs, or with special skills (like web design, photography, or musical abilities) can really save a bundle of money. Doing as much yourself as possible will save money, and can be done without stress if you plan well. We cut corners on almost everything, but the wedding was absolutely enjoyable and suited us perfectly.

My hope is that this post will encourage young women who may read it to be freed from feeling the burden of pulling off some "perfect" event, and instead opt for something that will be enjoyable and suit your personality without breaking the bank.

Our best memories from the day are seeing each other, visiting with the people we love, and receiving spoken and prayed blessings from our family & friends. And of course, the most important thing of all was that we marked the beginning our lives together before God and others as man and wife. The rest is just details.

Single OR Married: Intimacy = Not a Sliding Scale, But a Step

Dr. Michael Lawrence, a Pastor at Capitol Hill along with Mark Dever and others, put out what I think is an EXCELLENT series on Christian sexuality, dating, and marriage, with one topic directed at men, one topic for women, and Q & A sessions for both groups.

Jerod has grouped them all here in one nice & neat blog post for ease of accessibility. Each selection takes roughly one hour, and they are all highly relevant and quite engaging. Please take time to listen to any and all of them that fit your needs or interest.

I want to share one particular clip that gives a taste of the unique wisdom you'll find in the series, and also invite you to share your thoughts about this quote in the comments. After explaining that the act of sex is a part of marriage, he asks:

What about everything else, though? What about everything that falls short of actual sexual intercourse/penetration?

Well, I think typically, we as evangelicals have bought into a very secular idea that views other acts of sexual intimacy on a sliding scale. And we all in our own minds, in our own conscience, try to draw a line somewhere. And we say, "Okay, on this side of the line, that's far enough away from sex that it's okay, and on that side of the line, okay, that's beginning to feel enough like sex that it must not be OK, or it might lead in the wrong direction."

I want to suggest to you that when God created sex, He knew what He was doing. And He created sex and sexual intimacy and all the things that are associated with sexual intimacy, in such a way that they work really well. The married men in the room know what I'm talking about.

What I want to say to you single men is that most of the things, well, probably all the things that you put on this side of the line that are "safe", and you think in your dating/courtship relationship, "I can do this because it's not sex", married men do with their wives and they call it foreplay. And the reason they call it foreplay is because God designed it in such a way that it leads to sexual intercourse.

It's like a one-way street. There are a lot of things that you pass on this one way street called "sexual intimacy", and there are a lot of things you can do on that one way street short of actual intercourse. But God made that street to run in one direction. It's heading somewhere, guys, and you know it's heading somewhere. That's why you like it; that's why it feels good. Because God designed those things to lead you to enjoy an experience of that full intimacy in the context of marriage.

So I want to suggest that at even the pragmatic level, if you don't intend to go where that street's leading you, then don't get on it. ...Sexual intimacy is designed to escalate and proceed to a goal that God designed. Foreplay works; it gets you to sex. If you buy the biblical teaching that sex is designed for marriage only, then don't start playing with the things that lead you there.

He later makes the point that intimacy should not be seen as a sliding scale, where you kind of slide into intimacy--but rather, as a step, where once you get married, you step into a relationship that now includes the sexual intimacy that you have not enjoyed prior to that point.

I wish I had heard such straightforward, commonsense advice when I was a teen & college student. I certainly fell into the trap of thinking of sexual intimacy as divided into two categories: actual sex, and "things other than sex". This kind of transparency about God's design for & God's delight in marital intimacy is so crucial in this day and age when sexual intimacy is treated as just another valid option on the smorsgasborg of enjoyable choices for a date night as a single. Putt-putt? Make out so he'll ask me out again? See the latest movie? Wear something revealing since it's our third date?

Clearly, the current system and view of sexuality (even in Christian circles) isn't producing successful and faithful marriages. Or even, as it often promises, more "free" and happy people. In fact, when we follow the cultural systems presented to us, it leads to bondage, depression, and brokenness. I think this kind of biblical picture of intimacy needs to be painted loudly and often to this oversexualized-in-all-the-wrong-ways world.

So tell me your thoughts. Dating. Intimacy. What's expected. Why you think this advice is right/wrong. How we can communicate these things to our children and offer this kind of biblical view of intimacy as God's gift to married couples.

Let's talk about it!

Study Your Husband!

This post is probably more directed at the new-ish wife, but could be something all of us (including me!) need to hear from time to time. In fact, the reason this is on my mind and I'm writing about it is because it's something I've been needing to re-focus on for ME. Something that I have done well in some ways and not so good in other ways is to really study my husband.

Here are some beneficial results from really getting to know our husbands well:

• Our efforts to show them love & kindness are more likely to hit the bullseye where they really feel it in ways that are meaningful for them
• It is very likely that our marriages will improve.
• We will become more kind & considerate in our daily lives, and in our homes, which (all on its own) is a good thing.
• We will become more like Christ, as we learn to know and love and joyfully serve the people around us and meet them where they're at.
• We can model biblical one-anothering in the context of marriage to the children and/or friends God has given us.
  

So what kind of areas should we focus on?

• Are there ways I could show respect to him that I'm not currently proactive about? (i.e., what he likes for dinner, how I dress, decisions in the home, in group conversations, etc.)
  
• What makes him feel relaxed? stressed? carefree? blessed? angry? lighthearted? We are blessed to live in a time filled with options for learning more about personalities, love languages, learning styles, temperaments, and more. We could all benefit from taking time to really study what makes our individual husbands "tick".
  
• How can I encourage him? Though the world treats men as though they're always full of bravado and oozing with self-confidence, the truth is that most men could do with some encouragement. Kind words, a supportive spirit, and actions to assist or help will go a long way towards helping your husband feel at peace and capable in life.
  
• What blesses him in the area of intimacy? (What does he really like? Are there things you could wear, say, or do that would make your times together more special or enjoyable for him? Does it knock his socks off when you initiate? Is a backrub something that would make his week?) Many men derive a lot of joy and satisfaction from physical touch shared with their wives... and as we've talked about before, even if it means we have to expand our "menu", we WANT our husbands to revel and delight in US! We can all stand to grow more aware of and sensitive to our husbands in this area.
• What ways can we enjoy relaxing together? Does he really enjoy the quiet? Perhaps there's a hobby you can take up where you could sit quietly alongside him and just enjoy the peace and quiet at the end of a hard week. Does he like to get out together? Perhaps there's a couple you could trade off babysitting duties with so that time out together can be a priority.
  

We don't all have the same husbands... but we do all have the opportunity to get to know the one we have. :) So let's do it together. Any other ideas or comments? Challenging words? Stories about how this has happened over the course of your marriage? Come on-- share your thoughts about being a wife that carefully studies your husband!

The Gospel OR Complementarianism?: An Unnecessary Dichotomy

"The Gospel OR Complementarianism-- which one are you focused on?" I get asked this sometimes, particularly by eager egalitarians. They'll write something like, "I hear you talking a lot about the role of women but not a lot about the Gospel." Or, "Why spend our energy on the roles of men and women when there are people dying without the Good News?"

These are oversimplistic questions that, in my view, cloud rather than clarify the real issues at stake. We don't have to choose either to focus on the essentials of the faith or to delve into relevant life issues with depth and maturity. It is not an either/or discussion. It wasn't for Christ. It wasn't for the Apostle Paul. It wasn't for Luther. It isn't for Piper. It doesn't have to be for me.

Surely, it is possible to focus on biblical gender roles to the exclusion of the saving Gospel of Jesus Christ. But we could also focus in so specifically on the basic tenets of the Gospel that we leave disciples immature and incapacitated as they seek out practical principles from Scripture in order that they might live biblically and intentionally. Thankfully, the Bible makes it clear that we are not to "go and make converts"... but to go and make disciples. We can do that, even while sharing and living out the gospel, in a way that allows us to act as "iron sharpening iron" with members of the Body of Christ around us.

Who we're talking to, the purpose of the discussion, and giftings all come into play here.

WHO WE'RE TALKING WITH AFFECTS THE SUBJECT
When we're talking with unbelievers, surely we should speak of God's grace, His goodness, and the Good News. If questions about manhood/womanhood arise, we can offer wisdom and guidance from Scripture.

But when we're talking with believers-- particularly when *I'm* speaking with believing women, while lauding God's grace, goodness, and the Gospel, I'm also going to speak more specifically of matters of discipleship-- the way God's Word practically makes a difference in the daily life of a believing woman and her family. We'll talk about how God's Word affects marriage, career, the view of children, and the purpose of the family. We may examine the messages we hear from our culture & the world around us and how those things compare & contrast with the message of the Bible. We'll discuss how to love and serve our family, how to be pure, and how to meditate on God's Word so that we can competently offer wise counsel to the people around us.

Discipleship begins with and is centered on the gospel of Christ, and continues building on that firm foundation with practical, biblical wisdom, so that Christians can not only "Come," as Jesus called out, but also carry out the second part of His call, "Follow Me". The need for practical teaching, particularly for this wayward generation that is "always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth", does not devalue the Good News of our hope in Christ!

THE PURPOSE AFFECTS THE DISCUSSION
When speaking with one who does not know Christ, it is not necessarily essential that I share or speak about specifics about biblical roles in marriage (although it could be something we discuss). What is essential is Christ. His saving power. The way He has conquered death and sin and made it possible for sinners to be reconciled to God.

When speaking with maturing Christian women about our role as wives, mothers, and disciples, though, I don't see how specifics can be avoided for very long.

• When young moms of my generation ask why they feel so torn or devalued in this new role of "mother", I want to share what I've learned (having walked this road just a few years longer than they may have) about how the things we were told by our society as we grew up are significant factors in not only how we judge these things, but how the people around us view these roles. I try to encourage young women in this position to seek affirmation and encouragement from God's Word rather than from the approval of man. Knowing how God built us and the value HE places on mothers enables us to walk in joy rather than despair, in peace rather than guilt, and free rather than burdened.
  
• When a new Christian wife is offended, rather than sharpened, by biblical advice to submit to her own husband, it is evident (to me) that she needs to step back from cultural demands and take on the culture of Christ. We all struggle with the idea that to serve is to be a doormat... but Jesus modeled such a perfect picture of how being a lowly servant of the people around us is honoring to God, and is THE path for the Christian. When we choose to follow Christ, whether we are married are not, we choose the path of servanthood, turning the other cheek, offering the cup of water, and loving even our enemy. The woman who has heard all her life that she needs to "stand up for her rights" needs to remember that Christ made Himself nothing. The woman who has been raised to "demand equality" needs to hear that instead of grasping after equality, Christ modeled humble servanthood.
  

There is practical, scriptural insight about being a new mom, young wife, and young woman. And it is just as relevant today as it was when it was written, thousands of years ago. I am so grateful for the practical nature of God's Word-- that I can read it and find real answers that help me in my time of need. And for me, I find it impossible to hold in the things that I learn... I am knit together in such a way that I want to share the things God has done & is doing; the things I have learned & am learning... in hopes that it might help others to follow Christ & honor Him more. Which leads me to my next point:

HOW GOD HAS BUILT US AS INDIVIDUALS AFFECTS THE SUBJECT
Whenever I do the spiritual giftings "tests", I always come up very strong in these few areas: exhortation, wisdom, teaching (and sometimes prophecy). The way God has built me plays into my own emphasis on these things. I feel compelled by the Spirit to share these things that have made a difference for me, been impressed on my heart from Scripture, and enable me to live more fully for Christ. It is not that I don't concern myself with the Gospel; not at all! Christ's victory over sin is my only hope; and knowing Christ is the very center of my joy!

And yet, once a woman comes to faith, she still has to grapple with daily discipleship-- following Christ as laid out in His Word. It is my delight (and an area where I hope to continue growing in wisdom and discernment) to encourage and help Christian women to follow Christ with great joy and sobreity, and to know and treasure His Word.

If your giftings are in evangelism, mercy, helps, or similar areas, it may seem as if those who focus in on practical issues of discipleship are not Gospel-centered, because the "four spiritual laws", "Romans Road", or the "plan of salvation" are not clearly outlined in each and every conversation or blogpost. However, the Good News of Christ's death, resurrection, and the grace He offers to each person... these things are foundational for understanding anything I share here. It is not either "the Gospel" or "practical Christian living"; it is both/and.

Absolutely I desire for women to know Christ! And after that, I want them to follow Him. I am burdened for the church. Those who call themselves Christians are, too often, struggling in their marriages, following after the world, chasing money, running after personal satisfaction, and they don't realize that the reason they are unhappy is because they aren't following Christ. It is as if Christian women have come to believe that salvation is a one-time event... and not a life-changing trajectory.

When a woman decides to follow Christ, oh, yes-- that decision is amazing! Celebrated in Heaven! It is an incredible day when she who was once lost chooses Whom she will serve. And yet, that choice is not a one-time event. Each day, she must choose Whom she will serve. Each day, she must decide to follow after Christ. And knowing what Scripture says is critical in that decision. Thus, the need for biblical exhortation and discipleship.

BUT! Discipleship is pointless if you don't know Who or what you're following. Serving your husband joyfully won't get you to Heaven. Being a "stay-at-home" wife & mom, being the consumate homemaker, and doing everything "right" won't merit God's grace. As important as I believe it is to understand how and why God has made us different as men and women, Christ alone is our hope! Knowing everything there is to know about biblical roles won't matter a hill of beans if a woman doesn't first know Christ.

MY HOPE IS BUILT ON NOTHING LESS...
If a young, unbelieving woman comes to me with questions, I don't go buy her a copy of "Biblical Manhood and Womanhood", as though salvation comes through knowing and living out your "role" as a woman. My hope is not in complementarianism. My hope is in Christ and His death in my place and His power to raise those who are dead in sin to new life.

At the same time, complementarianism is a helpful framework that gives language and structure for understanding and discussing the fundamental ways that God has designed men & women as different and yet equal before Him. I hope this post helps those who have asked these questions understand more fully my frame of mind when I discuss women's issues. My hope is in Christ. My trust is in His full payment for my sins. I simply find complementarianism to be a helpful way to think about practical life questions in a biblical, systematic way.

When Sex Drives Don't "Match"

Let me share a GREAT article by John Piper called "How should a husband and wife manage having opposite sex-drives?"

He points to 1 Corinthians 7 and offers this commentary:

What that text says is, "Compete with each other about how to bring the other person joy, to maximize the other person's gladness and satisfaction." Now that does not solve the problems, but it gives you an orientation that is so wholesome and so helpful. 

It doesn't solve the problems because, if she says, "I'm too tired for sexual intercourse," and he is communicating, "It would be really nice right now," she should give and he should relent. That's the way it should be. His heart should be, "I'm not going to make you do this, no matter how strong I feel," and hers should be, "I'm here for you, no matter how tired I am." 

Now, how does that bring a solution? It's a matter of degrees, I think, and who at that moment is maybe the most sanctified. Who is experiencing the grace to yield?
I just think that we should preach hard to husbands, "Serve her. Don't manipulate or use her. Don't turn her into a manikin for masturbation. Don't treat her that way. She's a human. You want her all there. You don't want to use her. You want her there—there, enjoying you. That's the point of this: mutual consummation, psychologically, spiritually, and now expressed physically." And those are the best moments of all, when the physical event is the consummation of a spiritual, psychological whole event. 

I think we should be preaching to men, "Don't think of your wife as an instrument to be used for sexual satisfaction. Think of her as a whole person who has her own deep longings and desires. And you want to live in such a way as to draw her in."
Foreplay begins with whether you're washing the dishes or not. That's foreplay. If you help her wash the dishes after supper, if you help her clean up, if you serve this woman—this is about sex, right? Because if she has made a nice supper, and you finish it and go plop yourself on the couch and watch TV for three hours, getting red-hot sexually because you're watching 50 sexually-stimulating advertisements, and then at 10:30 say, "I'm ready!" she's not going to be ready! That's ridiculous. 

So what I'm saying is that spouses manage their different sex drives by loving each other like they love themselves. They should not be demanding, but should each try to serve the other. And they meet somewhere in the middle in a way that both of them perceive the other wants the good of the other. Neither feels used by the other.

YES, YES, YES!!! (And by the way, there's much more in the article... I'd encourage you to read the whole thing.)

This is yet another reason why I am so grateful for John Piper. He not only holds fast to the Word, and tells it like it is, but also makes it plain why God's ways really are the best ways and hold the very best things for us, in our lives and relationships.