Alistair Begg on Comparing Your Spouse

Heard this today and decided to transcribe it and share it with you:

"Do we really think that we can sit on the plane and leaf through People magazine... and read about the exploits of the rich, the famous, the foolish, the cute... allow those images to penetrate the computer of our brain, and then realistically to apply the Bible to our marriage?

The fact is, it can't be done. And the degree to which we play with that stuff in our minds is the degree to which we make it increasingly difficult to live out this principle-- namely, DON'T COMPARE YOUR SPOUSE UNFAVORABLY WITH OTHERS in terms of looks, abilities, or anything." -- Alistair Begg, "How to Avoid Marital Failure"

And this was a bit later in the sermon:

"Don't take someone of the opposite sex into precincts that are the exclusive domain of your spouse. What does it mean? It means this: there's a lady in your office who thinks you've got broad shoulders and she'd like to cry on them? Tell her to keep moving. Go find someone else to cry on cause your shoulders are only for one girl to cry on, or more if you've got daughters.

(imitating someone else's voice) 'What, you call yourself a pastor and you say things like that?'

Yeah, cause I want to be a sensible pastor. Cause I want to be a married pastor. Cause I want to be a pure pastor for my kids growing up underneath me.

...Don't be so naive as to think that we can take into our lives that kind of stuff. You can't do it; you're not supposed to do it. You start to understand the principles of women ministering to women and men ministering to men... The only intimacy that should be enjoyed with someone of the opposite sex should be your wife or your husband, your sons or your daughters." --Alistair Begg, "How to Avoid Marital Failure"

After these (and a few other) things NOT to do, he added these prescriptions for marriage

(1) Be daily in prayer for the health of your marriage and the harmony of your home
(2) Be sacrificial in the expression of your love for each other. (Ask yourself, "what have I done in the last 7 days that was an act of sacrifice on my part for my spouse?")
(3) Be imaginative, daring, and occasionally extravagant in displaying your affection.
(4) Be sure that you don't use your children as the "glue" that holds you or the "wedge" that separates you. ("Remember this: the kids are the ones that are leaving-- we're the ones that are staying.")
(5) Be ruthless in resisting anyone or anything that will draw your affections from each other.
(6) Be ready to listen to, and willing to speak, about what's going on inside each other's heads.
(7) Be certain that a great marriage is possible with divine enabling and human effort.
(8) Be aware of how quickly time is passing, and seize the day.

And there's so much more worth hearing if you can track down this sermon. I highly recommend Alistair Begg's podcast, called Truth for Life.

Husband on Wife-Imposed Rice Diet

What do you think about this man's situation? And what would you say to his new wife?

I love to eat.

What can I say? I'm a meat and potatoes, average kind of guy. It doesn't take much to please me. I don't need a ten-course gourmet meal, and I'm not one to complain about a decent meal. My wife and I have been married for nearly eighteen months, and when we dated, she never said anything about not liking meat. But ever since we got married, all she wants to eat is rice. Sometimes she'll throw in some vegetables... but we never eat meat; she won't buy it!

When I asked about it, she said that she doesn't think we need it, it's unhealthy, gross to think about, and has made it clear that she thinks we're on this rice diet together. Forever. I work at a store in the mall, and we usually pack up leftovers for lunch (rice with an occasional side veggie). I've been so tempted to chunk it lately and go to the food court, but we promised each other that we'd not eat out. I mean, rice is good. But a little variety would go a LONG way.

Not to mention that I work right next to a Cinnabon shop and those SMELLS are driving me crazy. And then I drive past "Restaurant Row" on my way home from work. I don't want to hurt her, but this is ridiculous. It's not what I signed up for... I thought we'd be eating good at home, maybe not super amazing meals every day, but at least some tasty stuff occasionally. That's one reason I made that whole "let's not eat out" promise.

I'm sick of plain old rice. I don't have to have steak and dessert every single day, but goodness... rice and veggies is getting old FAST. How can this be fixed? Whenever I've tried to say something, she takes it as a complaint about her cooking and gets emotional and then things become even more tense and rigid. HELP!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As you're formulating your thoughts about his question, imagine if this had gone on for 10, 20 years. What kind of man would be able to deal with that?


Now, indulge me... go back and read the whole letter in light of marital intimacy. But make the length of time eighteen YEARS instead of eighteen months. It's OK, I'll wait for you. Seriously, go back and read it with marital intimacy/desire (instead of food/appetite) in mind.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Did you read it? Are you with me? Here's the point:

THE LURE OF THE CINNABON STAND
Christian men (particularly in an increasingly sexualized world that co-exists with what is often a "sex-is-worldly" mentality in the church) are like hungry men walking past Cinnabon stands and driving past "Restaurant Row" 24/7. If they come home to a warmed-over bowl of rice, they still *need* to exercise self-control, yes-- but they're much more likely to be drawn in by the sights and smells of the Cinnabon stand. And probably find themselves daydreaming about it in their weaker moments, even if they're never lured to go in and actually take a bite.

But if they're getting delicious, mouth-watering "food" at home, regularly, then, yeah, they still have to exercise self-control (I mean, lets face it, those Cinnabons do smell INCREDIBLE)... but they're more likely to be able to do so, because they're well-fed and happy with what they're getting at home.

WHAT'S ON YOUR "MENU"?
If I'm serving up rice every day (or once a week or once a month or worse), I need to understand that there are Cinnabon stands out there, and I need to KNOW how hard it is for my husband to walk past them without buying one. Cause whether we like it or not, he's having to deal with it. So, maybe I need to learn how to make rice with a little more spice or sauce in the mix, or maybe I need to learn how to make stuff other than rice... to vary my "menu options". Maybe I'll even make him some to-die-for-delicious cinnamon rolls of my own. But whatever the case, understanding the lure of the Cinnabon stand, and how tiresome it would be to eat rice once a week every week for years on end, helps me as a wife to love my husband more, and to meet not only his needs, but his desires too.

I say all this to say to you married women out there: consider what's on your "menu". Are you unnecessarily limiting your husband's "diet" because of your own hang-ups? Is he on a starvation diet? Is he getting warmed-over rice in a crusty bowl again and again and again and again and again...?

Sometimes there are legitimate things (like abuse, addictions, and other similar marital issues) that limit our "menu options" for us. And sometimes it's the men who are serving up warmed over rice to their hungry wives. But I'm not talking to those people right now.

Statistics and experience in hearing from and talking to these women over and over again tell me that the all too common experience in many Christian marriages is similar to the rice example I've given above.

And all I'm saying is, it just shouldn't be that way.



[I should note that this idea is a piggy-backed idea off of something a friend of mine, Chloe, wrote when we were discussing this very idea of marital intimacy. Thanks, Chloe, for crafting a great word picture for this topic!]

Mark Driscoll on Intimacy & 1 Corinthians 7

I was listening to some Mark Driscoll sermons not too long ago, and thought his commentary on these verses was helpful.

"Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." - 1 Cor. 7:2

"If you have strong biological desires for intimacy, if you're a lady, you need a husband; if you're a gentleman, you need a wife. And in marriage, you don't deny one another; you have a lot of fun. It doesn't feel like one is winning and one is losing. You're both satisfied; you take care of one another. God's answer for your desires is marriage." - Driscoll

"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." - 1 Cor. 7:3-4

"Once you get married, you take care of one another. She wants to snuggle? You're snuggling. He wants to be together? You're gonna be together. That's biblical." -Driscoll

"Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by mutual agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of a lack of self control." - 1 Cor. 7:5

"If one person in the marriage always feels like they're on offense, and the other's always on defense, and one always has desires, and is always getting declined, Satan is going to destroy the marriage with bitterness and temptation. You should take care of each other in every way, including the physical." - Driscoll


(All quotes taken from Mark Driscoll, "Dating", from the Religion Saves and 9 Other Misconceptions sermon series.)


Definitely simple and to the point. But I thought it was worth highlighting. Any thoughts?

Show & Tell: My Post-Partum Link Party

Because I've been in my post-partum stay-close-to-home mode (translate that to: "I've been spending a lot of time reading on the computer while feeding and snuggling with my son"), I've got a lot of links for you this time. (And, unashamedly, as a proud mom, I'm showing off a few recent pictures of my kiddos.) Enjoy!

FEATURED ARTICLE

• KNOWING GOD'S WILL- Randy Alcorn gives excellent advice about discerning the will of God-- that it's often more about who we're becoming than what we're doing.

CONCEIVING & HAVING BABIES

• Eighty-five cent pregnancy tests - SERIOUSLY! 85 CENTS!!! If you're trying or hoping or think you'll need them, this price is incredible! They also have a good price on ovulation tests, if you're so inclined.
  
• Mars Hill's summary of birth control options: Mark Driscoll's sermon on this issue is worth listening to... but this summary also includes lots of great reading material and links (at the bottom of the page) worth perusing if you're reading up about or making decisions about family size, sex, abortion, and birth control.
• Jobs will wait; babies won't.
• Doug Wilson has written a very interesting (and I think, very balanced) article about Birth Control
  
• Martin Luther King's niece, Alveda, speaks about abortion. She writes, "King once said, 'The Negro cannot win as long as he is willing to sacrifice the lives of his children for comfort and safety.' How can the “Dream” survive if we murder the children? Every aborted baby is like a slave in the womb of his or her mother. The mother decides his or her fate."
• The Haze Continues to Lift: Catherine's thoughts on having had an abortion 10 years ago
  
• Planned Parenthood's slogan says "Every child a wanted child". Although their approach is entirely wrong, the slogan is something we can all agree on- every child is wanted (if not by the bio mom, there are hundreds of adoptive parents waiting in line).
  
• Ted Turner calls for a two-child-per-family limit.
  
• Having more than two children is selfish and sinful?
  
• Three Kids? You Showoffs! Big families are now a growing status symbol among the very rich. This article (though it is seemingly written in support of larger families) contributes to the problem by perpetuating the idea that it must be expensive to raise children.
• The "What Ifs" of Adoption
• Breastfeeding videos: These links can show you what a good latch on looks like, and help you hear and identify problems in latching on/breastfeeding. What a great resource for nursing moms!
• In whose best interest is this, exactly? Stories from a foster-to-adoptive mom about visits with biological parents during the waiting period until the adoption is finalized. (Very insightful and worth the read!)
  

MARRIAGE

• Complementarian Singles: How Can I Prepare For Marriage? A great article about God-honoring singleness as you wait
  
• Be content when he is home; Be content when he is not. A great word on contentment for wives whose husbands travel or work a lot. (Be sure to check out her reading list at the bottom of her site-- GREAT recommendations!)
• How a Wife Should Respond to Her Husband: Bethany shares helpful notes for wives from a marriage conference
  
• When Blending Families, Mix Well. Terry shares from her own experiences about blending a family in a way that honors God, strengthens the marriage, and solidifies the family unit.
• Why it Kills to Keep Up with the Joneses
• Shacking Up- why couples who live together fare worse once married (this is an insightful interview with Mike McManus, a man I met almost ten years ago, who runs "Marriage Savers"-- a non-profit organization focused on marriage).
  

RAISING & EDUCATING OUR CHILDREN

• Why do parents need to be united in their parenting?
  
• Third-culture kids: This is what you end up with when you live overseas-- children who don't really identify fully with their "first" culture, or their "second" culture-- so they end up forming their own. John Piper put out a list of great ideas about how to relate to and serve "TCK's".
• Raising Missions-Minded Children
• How long should a homeschool day be?
• Good old-fashioned homeschooling: Why having too many options can actually harm the homeschooled family... and why a return to simple home schooling may be in order when we feel overwhelmed or stressed.
  
• Finding support as a homeschool mom
• Washington Post: The real cost of government-run schools- it is shocking how much money is spent per child with such a poor outcome in government schools. No business would be able to continue running if they had such lousy returns on the investment.
  
• Ever considered: What if public schools were abolished? A fascinating (and I think, realistic) view of what would happen in our society if government no longer meddled with the education of America's children.

FOOD

• Bakeshop Blueberry Muffins
• How to Make Cinnamon Sugar (and chocolate cinnamon!)
• List of all label "aliases" for MSG- for those of you who are allergic or try to avoid it
  

BLOGGING/WRITING

• Five tips from C.S. Lewis about pithy, worthwhile writing (and talking).
• Twelve ways to improve your blog
  

MISCELLANEOUS

• Heterosexual Roommates: Now that homosexuality is so rampant on college campuses, dating couples and boy/girl casual friends are asking, "so why can't we be roommates?" So now it's "pick your own roommate", male or female, on some college campuses.
• Divided We Stand: What do religious conservatives do without a political candidate "of their own"? We're about to find out.
• Is it OK to Look? The truth about pornography
• CPS investigates because family has "too many kids", and- *gasp* -their kids "do dishes"- Folks, the government's intrusion into our lives as citizens are getting more and more absurd.
  
• Olympics-- Shut Up and Compete: Randy Alcorn weighs in with thoughts about the upcoming Beijing Olympics, in light of human rights violations and the persecuted church.
• Feminism Run Amok on the Soccer Field
• Did Jesus Spend Saturday Night (before Resurrection Sunday) in Hell? John Piper says "no."
• The "Poison" of Computer Gaming-- [Are you all noticing more and more families being negatively affected by this? I sure am! I'd love to hear from you if you have thoughts about video/online games and what our response as Christian families should be!]
• Why I Left Greenpeace: from one of the founders- this is a great example of what can happen when our zeal trumps our love for truth
  
• How to help your grieving friend: practical ideas from a hurting mom
• Listeners' Bible: Free mp3 downloads of John, Philippians, and Ephesians
• Barak Obama: A wolf in sheep's clothing, says Voddie Baucham-- a candid examination of Obama's record on abortion
  

GOOD FOR A LAUGH

• Tim Hawkins: GPS for life

I've received lots of "thank you"s over the months for these show & tell posts, so full of links and reading material. But then I know these are overwhelming for some of you. I have to confess, I love seeing all the "out-clicks" on my sitemeter after posting one of these posts... it's so neat for me to see these great articles all being read and (hopefully) useful for you. It is a passion of mine to point people in the direction of good information/resources that will help women and families to honor God more.

Please feel free to e-mail me if there are particular topics you'd like to see more links about, or if there are articles you find that might be worth including in my show & tell posts in the future! Additionally, if there are things I could do to make these links more useful for you, let me know!

Thanks-- and happy reading!

ADVICE & ANSWERS: Sexual Problems in Marriage

Has your marriage survived or worked through significant sexual problems? If so, please ponder these questions that were left in the comments of the recent "Being Sexy For Your Husband" series and consider leaving your thoughts for some commenters in need of wisdom and encouragement.

Specifically, there are three that have been left in the last couple of days, and I'd be grateful for your biblical, loving responses to them. Here are snippets from each:

#1- THE PROBLEM OF PORN:
On Part FOUR, anonymous left this comment on March 1, 2008 at 8:16AM:

"In recent months, my husband has expressed that he's bored in bed and joked about his desire in watching me and another girl. I clearly said "no" and explained why such practices go against our spiritual beliefs and wellbeing. ...But then today, I found a few links to videos of lesbi@n porn [on our computer]. Now I'm concerned that he's turning to porn for sexual satisfaction. First of all, how should I approach him about this issue and what should I do about it?" CLICK HERE to read the entire comment.

#2- THE PURPOSE & NATURE OF SEX:
On PART FIVE, anonymous left this comment on March 4, 2008 at 6:25AM:

"I refuse to believe that sex is a pure act in a fallen world. ...Even in a marriage, sex is a "necessary evil" because there is no other way to propogate the species. The fact that some people "burn" is just another indication that it is sin and God has provided an outlet, almost as a concession that it's better to use a spouse to "get off" than to engage in more egregious sexual sins. All I know is that sex has always left me feeling used and dirty. ...Woman are nothing more than a creation for man. How could a holy, loving God do that?" CLICK HERE to read the entire comment.

#3- LACK OF DESIRE ON THE PART OF A HUSBAND:
On PART FIVE, on March 5, 2008 at 3:39PM:

"Hi there. I have read through your posts because sexual problems have been a continual problem since I got married 7 years ago. ...My husband is totally not what this world portrays a man to be aka 'tiger'! ...He has never once initiated sex and now we have not been'one' for months. I find it very depressing. ...The problem is that we have talked about it over and over again............and then nothing. ...I don't even want to have the 'but it's so important to our marriage and me' conversation as I feel like a record going round and round and nobody is listening. Sigh." CLICK HERE to read the entire comment.

I'd ask you to prayerfully consider if you might have some specific insight or information to share with any of these women, and if so, please leave your thoughts for them as they weigh these serious heart issues. You may choose to leave your comments here on this post, but please identify whether you are referring to #1 (The problem of porn), #2 (The purpose of sex), or #3 (Lack of husband's desire).

I debated with myself about how to handle these, and decided that since they were left recently and many of you may not be back to check the comments on those threads, AND since they are all left anonymously and thus will not be putting anyone "on the spot", that I'd bring them to your attention here, and ask for your input.

Thanks for considering these difficult but real-life problems in this area of biblical sexuality in marriage.

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part five)

This is the last in a 5-part series examining if and how Christian wives should be "sexy" towards their husbands. Click below to read previous installments:

PART ONE: Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?
PART TWO: Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
PART THREE: What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages?
PART FOUR: Should there be a difference in our attitudes, countenance, and the way we carry our body in public and in private?


In this final post, I want to examine the question: How important is this in a Christian marriage?

While the actual specific degree of importance of intimacy may vary from one marriage to another (at various ages, stages of life, and with different levels of desire), across the board, we can broadly answer, "extremely important".

* BIBLICALLY, marital sexual intimacy is deemed important.
The fact that physical oneness was given by God as one of the original purposes of marriage, and the fact that the Apostle Paul (a single man who generally took a high view of celibacy and singleness) wrote about the importance of regular physical intimacy between marriage partners, as well as the fact that one entire book of the Bible speaks about the love relationship between a man and his wife, tell us that this is indeed an important part of the marriage relationship.

* CULTURALLY, marital sexual intimacy is clearly important.
Our own culture and its struggles with sexual sin speak to the importance of this relationship. (Frankly, having lived in or visited many different cultures around the world, I have personally seen that this is a universal HUMAN problem.) Yes, sexual sin can happen without any problems in the marriage relationship, but many, many marriages struggle in this area, and the Bible itself tells us that deprivation or problems in this area of intimacy can lead to sexual sin (1 Co. 7). Because of the growing problem of porn and the rise of divorce and affairs (including in the church), we must be even more vigilant to guard and work on our marriages in this area of intimacy.

* RELATIONALLY, marital sexual intimacy is extremely important.
Just as communication is a key factor in a close marriage relationship, physical oneness is another key area for maintaining the strength of a marriage. When a husband or wife is consistently refused or denied intimacy, it can produce bitterness, anger, humiliation, self-consciousness, and can encourage negative or sinful behaviors in the spurned spouse.

WHAT IF SEX ISN'T IMPORTANT TO ME AS A WIFE?
Sadly, I have heard many wives speak of the weekly "obligation" with a tinge of disgust, and some just see it as an undesirable but unavoidable need of a silly husband. Each case is different-- some probably feel this way because they picked up this attitude from their mother or from society; sometimes, a lack of sexual freedom and excitement in intimate activities can contribute to boredom or the feeling that it's unimportant; and sometimes the marital act has been linked in a wife's mind with sexual sin and thus is morally repugnant to her. A recent commenter in this series on intimacy expressed her own difficulty in comprehending why sex is so important in the marriage relationship and received good biblical responses from many other women about this issue. Seeing sex as unimportant or undesirable is not an uncommon feeling, but it is an unbiblical attitude towards God's gift of intimacy.

If you've struggled with not comprehending the importance of intimacy in the marriage relationship, I'd encourage you to examine why that is, and what might be changed in order for you to begin to view intimacy in the proper, biblical light. Perhaps a good manual with specific tips on mechanics might help. Perhaps reading a book like "Sheet Music" or "Intimacy Ignited" could give you more insight as to the biblical view of marital sex. Perhaps taking full advantage of the freedom in marriage (and enjoying more than just the same-old, same-old) might give you more interest. But I'd encourage you to work to find ways that this can become more than a routine or tainted act for you.

WHAT IF THE WIFE WANTS IT AND THE HUSBAND DOESN'T?
This is a frequent problem, but is rarely, if ever, addressed in our culture because of cultural views of men and women's sexuality. If you read the cultural messages, it's clear that men are supposed to be like sexual tigers no matter what, but this simply isn't the case. Sometimes it's a medical issue, sometimes it's because of a porn or sexual addiction that keeps his interest elsewhere, and sometimes it's a genuine lack of interest, but regardless of the reason, the husband in this marriage is every bit as wrong to withhold himself from his wife as a wife would be in the reverse situation. 1 Corinthians 7 makes it clear: "your body is not your own". This applies to the husband OR the wife. In fact, Paul's first command in this area is to husbands, in verse 3: "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband."

So what should a wife do in this situation, if her husband is withholding intimacy from her? To be honest, I've wrestled with this question for some time now, and I'm not entirely sure. Certainly, she has "conjugal rights" that ought not be denied. But I wonder if others have thoughts on this? Does Matthew 18 apply here? Should she involve others and/or pastoral authorities? Should she just set up a doctor's appointment and see if there's a medical reason, thereby forcing the issue? How do you think a wife should biblically address this with a husband who is disinterested in sex?

A KEY ISSUE FOR HUSBANDS
Even considering the problem of the previous section, a majority of men still rank this as the primary issue of importance to them. As one friend pointed out to me, this could be because so many men are being denied regular times of intimacy. Perhaps it would not be seen as so crucial if they were receiving enough of it. But just as some wives feel conversationally deprived, many, many husbands feel sexually deprived. The difference, of course, is that we can make conversation with anyone we please. (I'm not trying to give husbands an "out" on communication-- it's a VERY important part of marriage. I'm just pointing out the difference between conversation and intimacy, as the primary needs of men and women, generally speaking.)

However, we as wives are the ONLY ones who can biblically meet the sexual needs of our husbands (and, conversely, they are the only ones who can biblically meet our sexual needs). When we do not do so, we risk not only sin but the decline and destruction of the marriage relationship. Many books have pointed out that a husband who is sexually fulfilled would be willing to do sink-fulls of dishes while walking on burning hot coals to please his wife if she so desired... but that when a man is not sexually fulfilled, it breeds depression and discontent unlike any other unmet need. The Bible itself makes clear that sexual regularity is a key to preventing sin from creeping up in the marriage.

SO, ULTIMATELY, HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
My basic point is this: Considering that the marriage relationship is our primary relationship in life behind our relationship with God, and considering that intimacy was given by God as a gift to us (not a curse or a sin), and considering that the health of a marriage relationship is very often linked with the health of intimacy in that relationship, this is an EXTREMELY important issue for Christian wives. We need to be aware of it, we need to make intentional efforts in this area, and we need to strive to love and serve our husbands in this area. (And frankly, not just see it as an act of drudgery, but work to take delight and joy in this area of relationship with our husbands.) We can do even this "as unto the Lord", as an act of worship and submission to God in our lives.

I don't in any way want to sensationalize this issue or focus on it in an unhealthy way, but I am personally convicted that this one issue, if dealt with biblically within Christian marriages, could keep many from sin, could prevent many future sins of our children, and could give glory to God by making Christian marriages all that they should be as a picture of the love relationship between Christ & the Church.

I'd love to hear any additional thoughts you have about this. Is this an area where you struggle? Do you or have you struggled to see the importance of this issue in your marriage? Do you have a hard time meeting these needs because of the view and education you've been given of sexuality and intimacy? Are you a wife struggling with a husband who is disinterested? Do you have insights as to how a spouse can deal with this issue if they are being refused intimacy? As always, leave your comments (anonymous comments OK on this series!).

I hope you've enjoyed this series; I know I have enjoyed brushing up on learning about these things, and I've really enjoyed your comments.

{FYI: I'm contemplating doing a follow-up post or two about porn, but it's such a difficult subject, and it's so personal, AND it's affecting so many Christian marriages in so many ways. Let me know if this would be of interest to you, or if you have any good links/resources in this area that I can highlight. Thanks!}

Graphic ("Painting" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part four)

This is #4 in a 5-part series examining if and in what ways Christian wives should be "sexy" towards their husbands. Click below to read previous installments:

PART ONE: Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?
PART TWO: Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
PART THREE: What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages?

So then today, we'll look at question #4:

Should there be a difference in our attitude, countenance, and the way we carry our body in public and in private?

The short answer is, "Yes!" But, more specifically, we must consider in what ways we should be distinctive in public and in private.

• In our attitude. As Christian wives, our husbands should never have any reason to question our faithfulness or commitment to them. Nor should they doubt our love and respect. So, in that, our attitude about our husbands (respectful, loving, and supportive) should be the same whether we are out in public or at home. More on the point of being sexy though, I think we need to be careful that we only have a flirtatious and enticing attitude towards our husbands. Some women exude confidence and vivacity and friendliness towards other men can be perceived as flirtation. As Christian women, we need to be aware of those tendencies, and be careful to (as far as it lies within our power) not come across as inviting attention from other men.
  
  
• In our appearance. We're to be attractive and seductive for one man only-- the husband God gave us. That doesn't mean that we go to the store or church looking like a frump and only wear makeup when we're in the bedroom. But I think it SHOULD mean that it's not the reverse-- others shouldn't be the only ones who see us at our best. I'm definitely not saying that we never are allowed to wear sweats in our homes or have a ponytail or an "off" day. But what I am saying is that we need to be certain that we DO give our husband reason to find us attractive and beautiful. In the Song of Solomon, the young woman has clearly tried to do things (for example, wear jewelry, and use her eyes) to captivate her husband. It is good to work to be beautiful and captivating towards our own husbands. That doesn't mean the same thing for all of us-- some husbands couldn't care less about make up, or wearing certain styled clothes, or lingerie, or whatever... but some do- and we need to be aware of those preferences and be appealing towards our own husband.
  
  
• In the clothes that we wear. We shouldn't dress in public in ways that are tantalizing towards men in general. If your husband likes a particular color on you, or a particular outfit, I don't see any problem with wearing it... with this caveat: we are not to be tempting towards other men. I have experienced this a few different times in the past, where I've noticed that a Christian married woman will dress in ways that are clearly inappropriate, and her husband seems to derive pride from that, as though he WANTS other men to notice his wife in a sexual way.
  
  We are specifically told in the Word not to be a stumbling block for others, so I'll put it this way: I don't see ANY problem with dressing however you want to, for your husband's eyes alone. When we're in public settings, it is fine to be pretty and intentionally keep ones' self up. And it's not wrong to wear clothes that look nice or show that you are, in fact, a woman. :-) But as Christian women, we need to put the needs and struggles of our brothers in the Body of Christ ahead of our own desires to look chic or hot or sexy or whatever else our culture (or sometimes, even our own husbands or friends) may tell us to shoot for.
  
  
• In the way that we talk. Some things are only for husbands and wives to discuss. Some things, I believe, are OK for us to talk about with same-sex friends as we work through issues that come up or have questions that we need to talk through. But most things of the sexual realm aren't to be opened up as conversation with just any old person. Our culture has blurred a lot of the lines of what's acceptable, but we need to be cautious in the way that we talk and the subjects we discuss, particularly in mixed company.
  
  
• In the way we carry our bodies. Privately, between you and your husband, your body is not your own-- it was made for him, and God called that union good. So, I believe you can do whatever you please as far as fabrics, dancing, outfits, lotions and other accessories, and whatever else you and your husband desire. Publicly, however, we need to be aware of the people around us, and not be seductive towards others (intentionally or unintentionally).
  A few examples:
  -when wearing a blouse, be aware of the neckline, and if it would be revealing, use a free hand to hold it to your collarbone if you bend over with men around you.
  -be aware of your pants/underwear line and don't sit or bend in ways that reveal to others what you have on underneath!
  -ask your husband what parts of your body or the way you carry yourself might be a struggle for other men (for some of us, it's hips; for some, it's the chest; for others it might be the way you walk), and strive to not entice others with that particular attribute.
  
  
• In our interactions with our husbands. Candidly, I'm of the opinion that far too little snuggling and hand-holding happens between Christian married couples. We're the ones who have the God-ordained right to do these things, and yet our culture tells us that only hot young singles kiss in public, or only teenagers hold hands and lean on each other lovingly.
  
  We've got it BACKWARDS! !! We shouldn't be afraid to hold hands and look at each other with joy and appreciation for each other. (Particularly in our homes in front of our children, so that they see a living example of a loving marriage, but that's another topic for another day...). Yes, we need to be careful to keep private things private. There's definitely balance needed. My feeling on this, though, is that our Christian culture leans far too heavily towards the "No PDA" rule among married couples than to need to be reined in. And our young people are suffering for it-- they're buying the lie-- that Christian couples don't have any fun and certainly don't know about "the s word" (sex). I believe that the healthiest way for our culture and our children to learn about God's REAL intentions for sex is to see us enjoying our marriages and the physical oneness God has given us. And how better than for them to see us acting like we REALLY DO like each other?!?!?!
  

So, for my part, I am convinced that private behavior and interactions between a man and his wife that do not violate Scripture (we talked about that in PART THREE) are fully permissible and can be a wonderful part of the marriage relationship. But we must be careful, as Christian women, not to act, dress, or speak in public in ways that tantalize others in the ways that we entice and delight our husbands.

I'd love to hear your input on these, because many of these really are my subjective views... so far, all of the "opinions" expressed in the posts of this series have come from Scripture. But this one is really just my thoughts on the issue, so I'd love to hear yours.

CLICK HERE TO READ PART FIVE of this series.

Graphic ("Dusk" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part three)

What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages? That's the topic of consideration today in this series about Christian wives being "sexy" for their husbands.

So far in this series, we've addressed two questions:
(1) Should a Christian wife be enticing and seductive towards her husband? (To put it simply, the answer is "YES!!!")
(2) Where does the standard for what is "sexy" come from? (The basic answer is ultimately from God, and specifically from your spouse.)

This third question will help us define the ways that we can go about enticing and seductive towards our husbands.

Biblically speaking, there are three clear areas that are off-limits, and we'll talk about each one individually:

1. Anything that involves anyone else outside of the marriage relationship is clearly off-limits.
   The Bible makes it clear that the two people in a marriage become one flesh. There are no others included in this union. Marriage is explicitly between one man and one woman for life. (Mt 19:4-5, 1 Ti 3:2 & 12)
   
   So, with that in mind, adultery, homosexuality, incest, orgies, and pornography all fall clearly outside the boundaries of what is acceptable in a Christian marriage. Anything that in any way involves other people outside of the husband-wife relationship is off-limits for believers.
   
   [***Some may ask why pornography is not acceptable, if both husband and wife are open to it or willing to view it... but the question is not whether or not we as humans find something OK or not, but whether God Himself finds it acceptable or not. There is an abundance of Scripture that speaks to the issue of pornography, and lust (1 Co 6:12 & 10:23, Job 31:1, Matt. 5:28-29, and more), and the Word makes it clear that this is not an option for a Christian marriage. ***]
   
   
2. Anything that demeans one of the partners or violates personal convictions is off-limits.
   Christian husbands and wives are told to love and respect each other (Eph 5), so we know that we are not to do anything that causes either party to feel unloved or disrespected. We are also clearly told not to do anything that violates the conscience of another believer (Ro 14:1 & 14 & 23).
   
   At the same time, we also need to be certain that our consciences and convictions are biblically-informed and not based merely on prudish or unbiblical ideas that sex is icky, dirty, or in any way wrong. Sadly, this is something I have seen a LOT among Christian women. I have heard women tell how they were taught that a good Christian woman would never enjoy intimacy with her husband, because it's naughty, sinful, or just something bad girls do. Perhaps her mother taught her (through words or actions) that sex was dirty and only to be used as a bargaining chip with her husband. Others have been taught that sex should only rarely be "granted" to a needy husband.
   
   I cannot state plainly enough how all of these ideas are lies.
   
   I'm convinced that our enemy, the devil, has planted these ideas in Christian homes over recent decades at the precise time that the world was getting more and more sexually explicit and "liberated", so that Christian families could increasingly be successfully attacked by him in this area of intimacy, lust, and sexual issues. We must heed biblical convictions, but we must discard unbiblical ideas that would undermine this precious gift of intimacy in the marriage relationship.
   
   1 Cor 6:12 says that all things are permissible for us as believers but not all things are beneficial, nor are we to be mastered by anything. According to Dr. Lewis Smedes, "The Christian word on trying out a sexual practice that is not prohibited in Scripture is 'Try it. If you like it, it is morally good for you. And it may well be that in providing new delight to each other; you will be adventuring into deeper experiences of love.'"
   
   
3. Not "doing it" is not an option in a Christian marriage.
   1 Cor. 7:3-5 tells us outright that we are not to deprive one another of intimacy. (We've discussed this in greater detail in previous posts here at Making Home: Intimate Deprivation, Exhausted of Excuses, and Sex in a Christian Marriage).
   
   What this looks like in one couple may look different from what it looks like in one couple. For example, a military couple who may be separated for a time will not have the same kinds of intimacy as a couple where the husband is home 7 nights a week. Nor will that couple's love life look the same as a couple where the husband drives trucks 5 days a week and is home on the weekends. And some couples, as a unit, have greater drives and desires for intimacy than others.
   
   But for all of us, the key is to "not deprive". Which means that we need to ask our spouses what their needs are and let them know what our needs are. It also means that we are to meet each other's needs, not begrudgingly or with strings attached-- but as part of our obedience to the Lord. We are not given the option of merely living as roommates or buddies... we are to lovingly and regularly meet those needs that God has given to our spouse.

So, aside from these three things (anything that would involve other people, anything that would violate one's conscience or be demeaning, and avoiding sex), I believe we are free within marriage to delight in each other. What that will mean for each couple will look different. Some are more active than others, some are more spontaneous than others, some will try and do new and different things all the time, and some will primarily delight in a few favorite ways of being together. None of this is wrong, and all of it can be absolutely wonderful and God-honoring.

Indeed, aside from these specific prohibitions, "all things are permissible", and we can, without shame, enjoy freedom in the marriage relationship. Studies show that Christians have better and more satisfying sex lives than those in the culture around us, so there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! God has given us a beautiful gift in the gift of intimacy and we can enjoy it to the full!



*** READER DISCRETION ADVISED: None of the following sites contain pornographic or offensive images, but all of these are intended for Christian married adults only.***

Here are some additional resources and sites you may want to browse for more information:

• GrowthTrac: What's OKAY in bed?
• Passions Lingerie and Gifts- a porn-free Christian website to safely browse and shop for Christian intimacy aids/gifts. They explain their intentions this way: "We came to do this business because we feel that we need to change the current trend of lingerie stores by bringing it back to the way it was supposed to be... marriage-friendly." (Note from Jess: this is extremely rare-- in fact, this is the only website I know of that does not use real, human models to display lingerie options, but instead uses mannequins.)
  
• Covenant Spice- another porn-free Christian website intended for marital intimacy. They have this belief statement: "Covenant Spice is dedicated to strengthening marriages and increasing playfulness and intimacy in your sex life. We believe God created marriage to be a lifelong passionate romance."
• Faithful Loving Romance Products- candles, bath & massage products, oils and lotions all designed for marital intimacy.

As always, let me know what you think... I'm always interested in your thoughts and comments!

CLICK HERE TO READ PART FOUR in this series.

Graphic ("Le Soir" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part two)

So, earlier in the week, when we visited this subject, we considered the question, "Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?" This is part two of the series examining the wife's role in intimacy in a Christian marriage. Today, we'll consider:

Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
The answer to this question is in two parts:

1. From God, which leads us to #2...
2. From your spouse

God Himself explicitly draws the boundaries for sexual gazes, thoughts, and actions within marriage. God made sex. Therefore, He gets to tell us what it's for, who gets to do it, and what the appropriate boundaries are for it. Let's look at a few Scriptures that reveal God's ideas about sexiness:

• Matthew 5:26- "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Our standards for what is "sexy" and desirable do not come from anyone outside the marriage covenant (as adultery would be).
• Job 31:1- "I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?" This is Job talking, a man God describes in Job 1 as "blameless and upright... who turns away from evil". Our standards for what is "sexy" do not come from the young and beautiful people around us. (Contrary to what People magazine, Oprah, and myriad TV shows, movies, and websites would have us believe!)
• Proverbs 5:18-19, 21- "Rejoice in the wife of your youth, ...Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love... For a man's ways are before the eyes of the LORD." It is in one's spouse that "intoxicating" love should spring up. God-honoring men are instructed by God to rejoice in, delight in, and be intoxicated in their wives. As their wives, we need to see this and enjoy it, and be willing to walk in that, as God's design. To say it outright, we need to allow our husbands to "be intoxicated" with our love. We need to be willing to let them delight in us!
  
• Song of Solomon... we examined it last time. In every way, this book of the Bible points towards mutual delight and satisfaction between marriage partners and in no way do outside sources come into play in their intimate life. Though neither spouse is perfect, and certainly could be found to have defects when compared to others in particular areas, you would never know that from reading this book. These two lovers find themselves wrapped up only in each other. They aren't taking cues from people outside the relationship; they are fully intoxicated, seduced, and enraptured by each other.
  

By God's design then, what we find "sexy" is to be defined by who we marry.

We need to recognize that we will desire what we have developed an appetite for... and ladies, this affects both us and our husbands as we come to the marriage bed.

HOW THIS AFFECTS US AS WIVES:
To me (and I've had people argue with me about this, but I firmly believe this to be true) this means that we, as Christian wives, are not to spend time focusing on the "People's Sexiest Men", or the movie star everyone's talking about, or the construction men we pass on the road (or whatever you've been trained by your environment, society, and culture to find "attractive"). We shouldn't be dwelling on "which actor is the sexiest" or "did you see ______ in ______?" And we need to be cautious in what we take in, particularly examining what we're reading and what we're viewing.

We shouldn't allow our minds to dwell on anything outside of the boundaries of what God has called "good" (Phil. 4:8), which means (as we noted above) that we will derive our standards of "sexiness" from our husbands. Whoever you married, THAT'S your standard of what is attractive. THAT'S what you need to dwell on. Just as you are not entirely without fault ;) , I'm certain that your husband is also going to have areas that aren't as "perfect" as all the images we've seen on TV and movies, or as romantic and completely sensitive and thoughtful in every way as the "heroes" we see in movies and books, BUT-- we must delight in those things that ARE pleasing. The more we do that, the more (I believe) we will be able to say, as Solomon's bride did, "he is altogether desirable" (Song of Solomon 5:16).

And a wife who is attracted to her husband will undoubtedly be more attractive to her husband than if she were frigid and unresponsive and focused on critically comparing him to Hollywood's latest "hunk".

One more thought: We as Christian women need to be careful about what outside sources WE listen to and let define what we think of as sexy. If our husbands find something sexy, we need to take THAT to heart. Forget what Victoria and her "TV specials" have to say about it! Ignore the messages from the world that would tell you that you are not enough. If need be, turn off the fashion shows and talk shows that would make you think that you have to look a certain way or wear a certain size in order to be attractive (and this cuts both ways-- thin women are often made to feel bad for not being curvy and those of us who aren't the thinnest ones in every room we walk into are made to feel bad for not looking like a Swedish woman who is 6 feet tall and weighs 120 pounds)!

If something is offending you and/or undermining you in your marital joy, CUT IT OUT! Quit listening to the world's messages about what you have to be in order to be delightful for your husband! GOD MADE YOU-- He knew who you would marry, He knew you'd live in this time and place. Be what you can be for your husband, but don't feel bad about what you can not be, and don't let outside sources make you feel like you're not enough!

HOW THIS AFFECTS OUR HUSBANDS:
Our husbands have been inundated with images and messages from the world that tell them what they should have an appetite for. Even the most pure and restrained man has been exposed to thousands of images of beautiful, seductive women. And for those who have been repeatedly exposed to or addicted to pornography, the battle within them rages even stronger. Knowing this, we need to be proactive about giving them delightful, God-honoring things to think about (which means US!). :)

I'd encourage you to read through Song of Solomon and notice all the body parts Solomon mentions about his bride. Consider the ways that you can actively encourage your husband to delight in the "choicest fruits" (Song of Solomon 4:16) that God has given you. For some of us, that may be very graceful neck and shoulders. For some, it will be a beautiful and seductive head of hair. Some of us have curves, some of us are thin, some of us are voluptuous, and some of us are dainty. But as women, we ALL have beautiful areas of our body, by God's design, and if we are married, it is good and right for us to (1) be available to our husbands, and (2) share our "choice fruits" with our husbands without shame or embarrassment. When we withhold our bodies from our husbands, even due to our own self-consciousness, we are making it difficult for them to obey scripture (delighting in the wife of their youth, keeping themselves from lust, etc.). We must be careful, as wives, to be open to them and to BE the standard of sexiness for them.

Biblically, our standards for what is "sexy" should come from our spouse. No one else, and nothing else. So if you find yourself dissatisfied, look at what you've been "intaking", and rid yourself of anything that encourages you to look outside of your marriage. Take delight in your husband or wife. And encourage and allow your spouse to take delight in YOU! Look to the one that God has made you one with for the "intoxicating" love He designed for you to experience. "REJOICE" in the lover He has given you, and don't let anything rob you of that joy in your husband or wife!

What are your thoughts and/or struggles with these ideas? Are there things that you've been "intaking" that need to be pitched? What could you do today to delight in your husband? What could you do today that would encourage (or allow) your husband to delight in you?

CLICK HERE TO READ PART THREE in this series.

Graphic ("Morning" by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part one)

Q: Got this question from a reader (Annie):

Have you considered [writing about] "being sexy", or the idea that married, Christian women ought to make an effort to be attractive to their husbands, whose emotional well-being is so centered in visual gratification (of his wife) and physical intimacy?

A: Absolutely! This is a very important issue for all women, particularly in our generation (when men and women alike are being fed such WRONG images of beauty/sexiness), and particularly in our culture of Christianity (which has taken cues from Victorian-era ethics which greatly undermine the joy & satisfaction in the marriage relationship). So, let's just do a series about it, shall we? ;)

There are several aspects we should consider when looking at this question:

1. Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?
   
2. Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
3. What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages?
4. Should there be a difference in our attitude, countenance, and the way we carry our body in public and in private?
5. How important is this in a Christian marriage?

I will attempt to unpack these in future segments (and I'm open to any other suggestions or aspects you all may want to think through... e-mail me @ makinghome@pobox.com , or leave a comment here), but today, let's just look at aspect #1:

"Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?"

For this, there is one very obvious place to look, nearly smack-dab in the center of the Bible: the Song of Solomon. I'll highlight some verses from this book and take them, one at a time, and try to glean some things from them about marital intimacy and seduction. (For the purposes of our discussion, let me clarify that I am defining seducing as "seeking to be attractive to" one's spouse.)

First, let's look at some of what Solomon has to say to his bride:

• "Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with a string of jewels" (1:10) - She decorates her face and body to attract him.
  
• "Behold, you are beautiful, my love" (1:15) - He finds her attractive. There is no shame or sin in this.
  
• He notices (one by one) her eyes, hair, teeth, lips, mouth, cheeks, neck, and breasts and then says, "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." (4:1-7) - Two things to observe about this: (1) He notices her. He sees her face and body and takes pleasure in seeing it, and there is no shame or sin in that. (2) She lets him notice her. She's not hiding herself from him, and she's not ashamed of her body (though Chapter 1 tells us that she doesn't look like every other woman). I have heard so many women who are so embarrassed or self-conscious about their body that they never enjoy intimacy in daylight or any light at all... they have taken to heart the world's messages about what beauty looks like, and it is negatively affecting their marital intimacy. (As I've said before, we're the only godly outlet for our husband's sexual needs and desires!!! God MADE YOU to fulfill your husband's needs in this area!) It is perfectly OK and normal (and even "GOOD", as God declared of His creation in Genesis) for a husband to take visual pleasure in his wife!
  
• "You have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace" (4:9) - She is captivating him, enticing him with her eyes... she's not begrudgingly agreeing to intimacy... she's captivating him!
  
• "How much better is your love than wine" (4:10) - He finds her addictive and, one could say, "delicious"!
  
• He notices (one by one) her feet, thighs, navel, belly, breasts, neck, eyes, nose, and head and then says, "How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights!" (7:1-6) - This time, he's noticing the rest of her body. He's taking delight in every part of her. And she's letting him. Once again, she's not hiding or holding back... she is open towards him in every way, and he takes great pleasure in this!
  

And let's look at what this bride has to say about her interactions with Solomon:

• "While [he] was on his couch, my nard (a fragrant herb) gave forth its fragrance" (1:12) - She's prepared for intimacy with him... she has put effort into making a pleasant environment for their time together.
  
• "On my bed by night I sought him who my soul loves." (3:1) - This is not just responding or reacting to a husband's desires for intimacy... it reveals a wife who seeks out her husband, who makes intimacy a priority, and who rightly sees intimacy as connected to her love for her husband.
  
• "I held him, and would not let him go" (3:4) - This bride wants her husband's physical attentions.
  
• "Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits" (4:16) - However you read this (and there are a variety of interpretations), she offers all that she has and the best of what she has to her husband. She's not withholding anything good from him.
  
• "My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me." (5:4) - She eagerly awaits the time she'll spend with her beloved.
  
• "He is altogether desirable" (5:16) - Not only does she allow him to take delight in her, but she delights herself in him.
  
• "Choice fruits... I have laid up for you, O my beloved" (7:13) Again, she prepares the best for him. And she prepares for him.
  

I can't speak for you, but after reading just these select verses, it is abundantly clear to me that it is not only acceptable, but it is right and good for a wife to be enticing towards her husband.

Our society and Christian culture (which, as I mentioned, has derived a lot of its sexual "morality" from the rigidity and frigidity of Victorian-era morals) have combined forces to heap shame and guilt and self-consciousness on top of Christian women today, and we have not effectively responded to these assaults. Too often, we allow body image to keep us from opening ourselves up to our husband's visual delight. Too often, we allow the truly sinful aspects of our culture's overt seduction (on display 24/7 on TV, movies, and in malls) to lead us to believe that visual and physical seduction is, in itself, sinful.

We need to stand up and rightly stake claim on what can be ours: pure delight and freedom in intimacy within our marriages! On this first aspect, I must answer this: that, opposed to what our pious "Christian" culture might have instilled in us, it is GOOD for a Christian wife to strive to be enticing and seductive towards her husband.

What say you? How do you see this issue? Is it a struggle for you to see physical and visual pleasure in this way? (As always, since this is a sensitive and personal subject, I will publish anonymous comments so that we can speak more honestly.)


CLICK HERE TO READ PART TWO in this series.

Graphic ("Spring", by Alphonse Mucha) from allposters.com

Why I Love Him

In honor of the special day this week (no, not Valentine's Day, although that may be a special day for you... I'm talking about the 8th anniversary of the day Doug asked me to marry him... February 11th, 2000), I'd like to list out some of the reasons why I love this incredible man God gave me. It's not a complete list, but it's representative of the amazing man he is.

AS A FATHER:

• He teaches them about God and leads in spiritual things (Bible reading, prayer, and memorization).
  
• He gives extra-long snuggles to our kids when they are sad or sick.
• He gets down on the floor and plays cars or trains and is totally silly with our boys.
• He admires and is ultra-sweet to our daughter, telling her she's pretty and that he loves her, and he takes interest in the things she's doing.
• He knows how to use and wash cloth diapers (amazing!), and doesn't resent it or gripe about it (even MORE amazing!).
  
• He loves EACH child we have, as an individual, and like me, is open to having more.
• I love that he's always had a heart for adoption. Even if we never get to adopt, I love that he tears up when he hears an adoption story, just like me.
• He teaches the kids to respect me, in words and action.
• He can act totally silly and dance crazy or play games with the kids.
• I love that he gets emotional about our children.

AS A MAN:

• He is a man of measured words... when he says something, it's worth hearing.
  
• He loves to read and we talk about what we're reading together.
• He studies and memorizes the Word of God (seriously, y'all, he's amazing at this. He has so much scripture memorized, and he leads us in family memorization, too).
• He can make a MEAN jug of sweet tea. :)
  
• I love that he leads in family "Bible Time", nearly every night.

AS A HUSBAND:

• I love that he really, really loves me. (This may seem self-focused, but the truth is, it's actually a biblical picture of love-- we love Christ because He loved us first... the same is true for Doug & I.)
  
• Though neither of us had perfect pasts, we both saved ourselves for each other, and I LOVE that we aren't worried about comparing each other to other people.
• He is very intentional about being faithful to me-- in action, word, and thought.
  
• He'll rub my feet whenever I ask, and has offered many, many times when I haven't asked.
• I love that he will watch the movies I like and actually interact with me about them (like Jane Austen kind of stuff-- WHAT a guy!).
• I love that he is willing to do things around the house too, so that we can have time together in the evenings once the kids go to bed.
• I love that we both crack each other up. I don't know if anyone else would find either of us very funny, but we each can make each other laugh in ways that no one else can.
  
• I love that he's a good surpriser... big and small, he's surprised me so many times!
• I know that he loves me, because he apparently talks about me a lot when we're not together and other people tell me so.
  
• I love that he remembers special days and consistently does special things to celebrate.
• I love that he is willing to wash out the poopy cloth diapers (reminds me of Martin Luther) because I'm Mrs. Pregnant "Bionic Nose" right now (yes, that's what he calls me).
• He communicates with me about our relationship-- what's going well, if there are any struggles, etc., and then is willing to make changes with me so that we can improve our marriage.
• He truly wants to and strives to love me like Christ loves the church.
• He's the most fun, most interesting, most attractive, most kind man I've ever known.

And honestly, there's so much more. But this gives a glimpse into our marriage and life together. Like Solomon's bride described her husband in Song of Solomon 3, this is "him whom my soul loves"... and I will always be grateful to God for this incredible man that I get to be one with. :)