Teach Your Children About Sex: Chapter 6: Guiding the Growing Child (Ages 9-11)

[I've been reading through an older book called "Teaching Your Children About Sex" by John C. Howell, and it was published in 1973. Though I would not recommend this book as a primary resource for Christian sex education, I appreciate the developmental information and structure of the discussion in this book. This is the eighth in a series of posts discussing this issue of how to biblically teach our children about sex & sexuality.

Click to read the previous posts in this series:
Chapter One: Sex Ed in the Christian Family,
Chapter Two: Sexuality in Christian Perspective,
Chapter Three, Pt.1: Physical & Emotional Growth,
Chapter Three, Pt.2: Moral Growth,
Chapter Four: Parental Preparation
Chapter Five: Establishing Healthy Beginnings (Birth-Age 8)
Books & Video Resources for Birth-Age 8

Quotes or ideas from the book are listed as such. The basic structure of each post is also loosely derived from the book. Anything else is my own commentary and thoughts. These age-focused posts will be longer than my usual posts, but it is worth it to me to have all the age-appropriate information in one place, not only for now, but for those future readers who will refer to this material.]

AGES 9-11
Now sometimes called the "tween" years, these years offer opportunities for parents "to correct misconceptions and provide more factual information" about one's own development and growth.

Intensive Changes
This time in a young person's life is the time of going from childhood to young adulthood. Biblically, in Jewish culture, this would be the three years that lead up to one's transition into the adult sphere, no longer being seen as a child, but as a man. We are given a glimpse of Jesus just after this phase, and He concerned Himself with conversing with rabbis and adults, and was acting more independently, no longer like a child. I bring this up not to suggest that we ought to kick our kids to the curb at age 12, but that we should realize that changes are coming... that the old (childhood) is passing away, and the new (growth into adulthood) is coming. We must prepare our children for these changes, and that includes preparing them for the physical changes that accompany the transition into adulthood (puberty, physical growth, etc.).

Howell puts forth the following basic principles that can help us understand more about this age range:

#1- Physical Maturation is different for boys & girls.
Girls generally grow faster than boys during this time period, peaking in the rate of growth around age 12. "Boys tend to grow faster in the years from 11-14, with a peak in the fourteenth or fifteenth year." We see this in schools across the world: girls are generally taller and more physically developed than their same-age male peers during this time period.

Additionally, we must remember that physical maturation is highly individual:

"There may be as much as a four- to six-year difference in maturing for one boy when measured with another, even in the same family. When this occurs," Howell writes, quoting Marion Lerrigo in his book on this age period, "the child who is different from his friends, either because he is late or early, may need reassurance from his parents as to his normalcy."

#2- Glandular changes affect feelings as well as growth.
"Growth spurts in preadolescence are initiated by action of the pituitary gland, located at the base of the brain. Two hormones are secreted"- one for physical growth, and one for sexual maturation. "When glandular action occurs, the child is confronted with new feelings about himself and his relationship to other people."

More rapidly-changing emotions may come with the physical changes that are happening during this stage. Part of this growth is the natural transitioning that happens from childhood to adulthood, where one begins to see him/herself as a separate, unique individual from his/her parents.

#3- The desire for peer group approval and same-sex relationships strengthen.
Typically, during this stage, "boys find their best friends among other boys, and girls among girls." Something to remember (which runs contrary to the advice of many in the world) is that this likely is not an age to force or push preadolescent children into spending time in mixed-sex social environments. This awkward stage doesn't need to be made more awkward by an unnatural "pairing off" or forced interaction which is oftentimes the exact opposite of what kids actually feel like doing (think "cooties" and "boys-only" clubs). Howell writes, "Such relationships demand social response to a developmental task for which they are not ready." Boy-girl relationships will happen naturally enough as these children become young adults-- we need not force these things to happen (and sometimes, we may need to disallow these things from happening, if pushed from outside sources). How have you handled this with your pre-adolescent child?

#4- Conscience development accelerates.
Prior to this point, Howell points out, children will often determine choices of conscience by relating choices to the instructions of respected adults/authority figures. "Now, however, conscience has the opportunity of developing more personal responses to moral choice situations." Issues like justice, what's "fair" and consistency will become more important to this aged child. A study by Swiss child psychologist Piaget showed that moral judgment from 6-8 year olds is most often (64%) based on whether or not they followed the rules. In the following age group, this shifts completely, as 72% of 9-12 year olds surveyed said that "violating equality" or justice was primary in their minds for what made a decision morally right or wrong.

Understanding this shift of moral judgment towards justice and individual conscience gives us a great opportunity to direct our growing children towards God the Father, as the ultimate Judge; God the Son, the perfect man; God the Holy Spirit as a reliable internal guide; and the Word of God as a fully-trustworthy external guide.

#5- Religious awakening often begins.
During this time period, there is often a tendency for young people to begin to personalize their understanding of God, faith, and religion. A child who has been nurtured in this area will often develop sooner than this, but Howell asserts this is the time at which a child's understanding of himself as an individual and as separate from his family members will often begin to internalize his beliefs in a new, more personal way.

{Those of you with children that are this age or older, have you found this to be true? I'd be interested in your thoughts on this.}

I am reminded of Christ Himself, as a twelve year old, going into the temple to speak with rabbis, and having great understanding and asking deep questions. It seems to me that this is indeed a time when we can help our children by intentionally shifting their conscience/guide from being external (us as parents telling them what's right and wrong) to being more internal (relying on relationship with God and His Word to tell them what's right and wrong). Again, I'd be interested in hearing from those of you who are parenting children of this age or older.

QUESTIONS ABOUT SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT
Children will continue to grow in their understanding of sexuality during this stage, and it is often accompanied by a greater desire for privacy. There are certain areas that Howell asserts are central to the developmental concerns for this aged child:

Changes in body size and shape
We can give our child a great gift by encouraging "a feeling of comfortableness with his/her body". This time, before the body changes begin happening in earnest, is a great time to instill in them an understanding of their body, as a boy or girl, and how those bodies will change as they grow. There are two major issues/concerns with puberty which parents often wonder about... one of which I think Howell addresses fine, and the other of which I think he does not handle well... so I'd be interested in your thoughts on these as well (we'll have to work to keep it discreet, but I think we can handle that). ;)

• Menstruation is the most obvious "sign" of a girl's transition into becoming a young lady. There are many resources in public schools and such which will give girls adequate physical knowledge, but we as Christian parents, and as mothers in particular, "need to interpret menstruation in light of the Christian meaning of sexual growth." Howell makes this assertion but then does not give any practical ideas about how to implement such a strategy. What say you? How can we as Christian mothers instill in our daughters a biblical sense of womanhood during this time of transition in their lives?
  
  As for the physical aspect of female development, Howell gives a great, clear explanation of a woman's monthly cycle. Perhaps this will help you as you prepare to share this information with your daughter:
  

  Menstruation "simply means 'monthly flow' and refers to the normal physiological process of shedding the lining of blood in the uterus which had built up to nourish a baby if fertilization had occurred during intercourse. When fertilization does not occur, the lining is not needed and is discharged through the vagina along with some blood. The important thing for girls (and boys) is to know that this is a normal part of sexual maturity", and is not a curse or a bad thing in any way.
  

  It is important that we give this information at a time before our daughter begins her cycle. There are generally signs that this is coming (when breast buds begin to form and body hair begins to grow), and we need to watch for these signs so that girls are not left to "figure it out for themselves" (as many throughout this series have commented that they, sadly, had to do). I have a great list of resources that I've collected from godly moms that I admire that can help you to share with your daughter about these physical changes... I'll be doing a post on that next.
  

• Masturbat!on is the other common concern of parents with children at this stage that Howell brings up. (I used the ! for the i so that I don't get bad google searchers coming my way.) ;) I really don't like his explanation nor his instruction in this area, as it is very graphic and very psychologically based rather than having any sort of balance or moral element to the discussion. So, I'd like to hear your approach on this, assuming we can do it with discretion. How do you/have you/do you plan to handle this with your children (your sons in particular)?
  
  I know Dobson advocates that this area should be "guilt-free", addressed in a way in which sons aren't made to feel guilty about it, or even think of it as wrong. On the other hand, I know that this can, if acted out in excess, become a crutch and a tool for sexual addiction (particularly when paired with porn, but even when not used with porn) for many men that can carry over into their marriages. I've had many women write to me with this issue, that their husbands are unwilling to meet their wives' sexual needs because of a personal addiction to masturbat!on, and that it began around the time of puberty... long before the wife was on the scene.
  
  So what say you? Are we setting up our sons for problems in addressing this issue in one way or another? Is there a "biblically correct" answer to this issue? I'd love it if you'd ask your husband about this and share his thoughts in the comments, or if husbands would themselves share their thoughts on this issue.

Questions About Reproduction
Howell offered these as classic "questions" that come up during pre-adolescence:

• Does kissing make you pregnant?
• How does the sperm get into the mother?
• Does it hurt to have a baby?

I wonder, however, if these are a bit naive these days, in light of sex scandals, PG-13 movies that would have been rated NC-17 just 20 years ago, the rise of homosexuality in our culture, and the Britney Hilton-ization of pre-teens. What questions do you think the 9-11 year old has?

HOW TO RESPOND:
As with the previous ages, Howell 's book suggest (and I agree) that honest answers about pregnancy and birth ought to be given, adapted to the developmental and comprehension level of the child's life. If you as the parent don't know the answer, or are caught off guard by an unexpected question, simply tell the child that you will find out or that you will think about it and discuss it with them later. And then be sure to make time to do that.

While the "basic facts" may have already been shared, this stage is a great time for reinforcing positive ideas about God's creation of us as sexual beings. As they prepare for the adjustment into (physical) adulthood, we can help them by teaching them openly about the changes to come.


***Obviously, because of the ages of my children, anything presented as my opinions in this post are either (1) from the book, (2) from my observations of other families who have gone through this time, or (3) from my own growing up experiences.

I would welcome you to share about your experiences with this age group, how you have dealt with questions, how you have handled concerns in this area, and what you would share with moms of younger children who have not yet hit this stage.***

Teach Your Children About Sex: Books & Videos for Birth to 8 Years Old

Friends, this is the kind of post I love to write... when I get to share with you the books and materials that have been important and helpful for me. This post is specifically geared towards parents of young children, to give you resources and tools for teaching your young children about sex, how babies are made, how babies grow, and related topics. The last post in this series dealt with specific methods/principles about biblically teaching babies-8 year olds about sex.

Because I'm not going to advocate one place or another for where to buy these things, I'll just link each to a google search for that particular resource, and you can read up about it and purchase it where you please. :) Here are the resources I've found that make this easier, more natural, less awkward, and more exciting for us as parents:

I'll start with my #1 recommendation: National Geographic's "In the WOMB" DVD.

This may seem like an unlikely choice, but I'm telling you... this is a GREAT resource for giving your kids this information in an extremely interesting way. "In the Womb" is an incredible resource that can explain many of the technical aspects and give you a beautiful way to show even very young children how sperm and egg come together, multiply and divide as cells, and form into various parts of the body. It is fun to watch (even for me, as an adult), and it's something we can return to again and again to clear up misconceptions and to solidify the information in their minds. Through 3-D and "4-D" sonogram technology, the use of realistic-looking models, and computer-generated images, it gives an AMAZING picture of what it looks like "in the womb." (CLICK HERE to watch a preview.)

[Please note: there is one shadowed image of a pregnant lady's nude profile that lasts for around 8-10 seconds while narration is happening... and the video itself shows midriff-level footage of various pregnant women walking through a crowded city as it narrates that many women don't even know they're pregnant in the early stages, etc. I have not found these images offensive... and they are by no means even a significant portion of the video. But I wanted to mention it so no one could accuse me of anything less than full disclosure!

Additionally, while National Geographic is not typically a conservative source of information, this resource is very pro-life and God-honoring without specifically saying anything about God, for or against. We help the children to see the beauty of God's design as we talk about the video while we watch it.]

This "IN THE WOMB" book goes right along with the DVD:

We bought this book along with the DVD as a set. It shows still-photos of the same images you see in the DVD, and the text is almost identical to the DVD narration. At first, this was disappointing for me. But what I have found is that this is one of my children's (all of them) favorite books... they LOVE the fact that it presents the same information that they've already seen, but in a different format. My daughter (17 months old) will flip through the pages pointing at and kissing all the babies in various stages (and saying "BEE-BEE" in a very high squeaky voice). My sons love to look through it and talk through what they've heard/learned in the DVD. This is an excellent way to reinforce the information they've seen and give them a different way to take in the information. The pictures are very detailed, full-color prints... very beautifully and informatively done. There are no inappropriate images in this book, and it's a great way to let your child sit and "discover" things on his/her own (I often "catch" my five-year-old re-teaching himself the information by the mental "jogs" in the pictures in this book). It, too, is an excellent resource, full of the beauty of the process pictured right alongside the scientific information-- it is a resource that will be good for ALL ages... not just this beginning stage.

#3- NavPress has this great series: GOD'S DESIGN FOR SEX
Book 1 is "The Story of Me", geared towards 3-5 year olds

We got this book over a year ago, and the boys both enjoy it a great deal (and ask me to read it to them often-- it's one of those stories they love to hear again and again). It gives basic, age-appropriate information about "how God made you", geared towards the preschooler. It gives simple information about "a piece of mommy" and "a piece of daddy" come together to make YOU! It tells how food gets to the baby while it's inside the mommy's uterus, why we have belly buttons, and gives basic information about breastfeeding. It offers simplified facts about natural deliveries and C-sections. It mentions the words "penis" and "vagina" as the parts for each gender, but doesn't dwell on it beyond that. It also talks about how some touches aren't good, and how no one should ask to touch or see your privates. One thing I LOVE about it is that it also says that your husband or wife is the one person you WON'T have to be private with; I love that it impresses that information early on! I highly recommend this beginning book in the NavPress series of books called "God's Design for Sex", called "The Story of Me".

#4- The second book in NavPress' great series: GOD'S DESIGN FOR SEX
Book 2 is "Before I Was Born", geared towards 5-8 year olds

I have ordered this book, and haven't yet received it, but I'll share with you what I've heard and read from other sources. Having read the first book, and having heard first-hand praise about this book, I feel confident pointing you to this resource. Some people prefer to use it in the age range given, and some people feel it's too much information and should be used for a slightly older child (early Junior High). Again, I would urge you to consider the fact that this information is presented to younger and younger children by the world around us, and we should not stick our heads in the sand. Let's let our children hear the PURE version of God's design first-- from us! Here's what the back cover of this book says is discussed in the book:

- Why and how God made boys' and girls' bodies different - God's plan for loving marriages and families - The basic facts about intercourse, presented in the context of marital love and intimacy - Conception & fetal development - Childbirth & breastfeeding

The book is designed to answer the questions that children inevitably ask and want to know about (even if they don't ask them out loud!). This is a worthwhile resource for parents to have on hand. As I said, mine's in the mail. We may hold off on reading it for a year or two, or we may use it to address details as questions come up (my oldest is five)... but I am thankful that there are tastefully done books that focus on God's beautiful design for intimacy in marriage.

[Please note: friends of mine who have this book have indicated that all the pictures are in watercolor format, and that there are drawings of what girls and boys look like, as well as what post-pubescent men and women look like, so that children know what to expect for the growth of their bodies. Some may feel that this information is not necessary for a five-year old, but in today's world, surely all children will have curiosity about these things and this resource provides a non-explicit way to provide this information.]

#5- Another favorite resource of mine... "The Wonderful Way Babies Are Made"

This book is very useful for many ages... it has two separate sections of text, larger text for younger children, and smaller, more detailed text for older children. (Of course, you can decide which to read for what age.) This book gives two-levels of information (in one book!) on the formation and development of a baby inside its mother, intercourse, as well as issues like adoption. It gives excellent, biblically-based information while providing accurate facts about how God made our bodies to work and reproduce. I personally love this book, and this is the book that I used when answering my oldest son's more specific questions a few weeks ago. It tastefully gives specific, accurate information about how things work in a way that clearly explained everything needed to understand reproduction and sexuality.


I hope this post gives you some specific ideas about how to begin discussing these important issues with your younger child.


[If you are amazed that I would suggest such specific information for such young children, I just want to say this: if we were living 100 or even 50 years ago, such specific information might not be necessary. In this modern world though, with porn-like TV commercials, grocery-store aisle magazines that set up air-brushed images as normal, and internet information just a click away, I want my children to have a biblically-sound, medically-accurate introduction to these important life issues. I want to help them to understand their bodies and to frame the way they think about it according to God's design for their lives.

If you are a parent of an older child, and have been holding back, I would STRONGLY encourage you to get off the fence and dive into these discussions with your children. This is not an issue that will go away... but if you don't talk about it with your child, he/she WILL go away, and will find the information elsewhere. In today's world, I wouldn't want to take the chance of how they might be "introduced" to this information, if not from me. I hope this series will continue to be helpful for ALL parents who want to take an active role in shaping your child's understanding of sex & intimacy. ~Jess]

Teach Your Children About Sex: Chapter 5- "Establishing Healthy Beginnings": Birth to 8 Years

[I've been reading through an older book called "Teaching Your Children About Sex" by John C. Howell, and it was published in 1973. Though I would not recommend this book as a primary resource for Christian sex education, I appreciate the developmental information and structure of the discussion in this book. This is the sixth in a series of posts discussing this issue of how to biblically teach our children about sex & sexuality.

Click to read the previous posts in this series:
Chapter One: Sex Ed in the Christian Family,
Chapter Two: Sexuality in Christian Perspective,
Chapter Three, Pt.1: Physical & Emotional Growth,
Chapter Three, Pt.2: Moral Growth,
Chapter Four: Parental Preparation

Quotes or ideas from the book are listed as such. The basic structure of each post is also loosely derived from the book. Anything else is my own commentary and thoughts. These age-focused posts will be longer than my usual posts, but it is worth it to me to have all the age-appropriate information in one place, not only for now, but for those future readers who will refer to this material.]


"WHEN SHOULD I BEGIN GIVING MY CHILDREN SEX EDUCATION?"
This is a common question asked that actually reveals a common misconception. As Howell writes, "sex education begins with the birth of the child and continues throughout his growing years at home." Whether you've actually ever spoken a word, your children have picked up on your attitudes and basic M.O. about sex & sexuality in your home. And whatever words or actions they have seen (even if it's nothing) will contribute to their attitudes about sex. It's not something we can escape!

Howell lays out the basic goal of sex education for this age group:

"In essence, the major responsibility for parents during this time is to quicken in their children a sense of wonder and excitement about the story of life."

There are several things we can do in this early part of our children's lives to lay a good foundation for the education and discussions that will come later in their lives.

RELATE PHYSICAL GROWTH TO GOD'S CREATION...
Contemporary Christians often make the mistake (in and out of the home) of compartmentalizing their faith. Acting as though what happens on Sunday doesn't affect Monday-Saturday. Talking as though their life decisions are 100% their own decisions to make (except when they have an urgent need and they suddenly feel led to pray about it). When we do this, we teach our children that God and the Bible don't actually relate to their everyday lives. Considering that, we need to be very intentional about relating the wonder of babies and the beauty of marriage with God's design for life.

"As questions arise about the body, about conception and birth, and other aspects of human sexual activity, the parent can interpret these facts of human life in terms of God's creating and honoring the body. ... [These questions give us an opportunity to] emphasize the Christian conviction that all of life is a stewardship from God in which His will can be known and followed."

...BUT DON'T IGNORE THE ACTUAL FACTS!
"Parents should not let God become a substitute, however, for the actual facts of conception and birth." When a toddler first asks how babies are made, an answer like, "God puts the baby together in the mommy's tummy", may be sufficient. But as that toddler advances into preschool and beyond, questions like these need to be answered more accurately and specifically. The next piece of information may be, "God uses a teeny part of the daddy and a teeny part of the mommy and brings them together in the mommy's tummy to make a baby that grows bigger and bigger until it's time to come out."

Using books & videos are an excellent way to provide accurate information in a non-threatening and non-awkward-for-parents way. The next post in this series will highlight some excellent resources for teaching about sex & sexuality to this age group, and how we use books and videos to help provide for natural learning opportunities in our home.

Here are a few basic principles from Howell's book:

• Use correct terminology in naming body parts. It is no more difficult to teach actual names than it is to teach pet/family names, and while you may generally refer to such parts as "your privates", teaching the actual names isn't altogether difficult and will give children an ability to talk with you or their doctor about these parts without shame or giggles associated with it.
• Encourage good feelings about the body and its functions. The messages from this world and images they see (whether they are male or female) will give them enough reasons to feel insecure and not-so-confident about the body they've been given. Use this time in your home to reinforce the beauty and wonder of the body God gave them.
• Don't create unnecessary shame about pleasurable feelings. "When the child explores his body and discovers pleasure in it, ...parents can help children understand why these feelings are pleasurable and help them accept these feelings without becoming dependent upon them." We can explain these sensations in a guilt-free way, teaching them that God gave us certain sensations in our body to enjoy with a future husband or wife. When we approach these issues in this way (instead of holding onto our own embarrassment, awkwardness, or shame--remember how we talked about working through your issues before you talk to your child?!) , we are contributing to a healthy view of sexuality in our children's hearts and minds.

RESPOND TO THE DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS OF CHILDHOOD
"Provide as much accurate sex information as the child is ready to understand." And don't underestimate their abilities to understand! If they can understand what a hug is when they ask about how babies are made, they can understand that mommies and daddies have a special kind of hug that makes babies. If they can understand the basics of how plants grow, they can understand the basics of how babies grow. Try to gear the information to their age level, but provide as much accurate information as they can comprehend.

"Sometimes parents make the mistake of putting off questions." If you have done this, don't think that you've "successfully avoided" the issue. Instead, you have taught your child that you are not a good source of information. They WILL go elsewhere. Instead, we should "take advantage of the opportunities our children give us to provide correct answers."

And if your children don't come to you, you need to be proactive about providing opportunities and a safe environment for asking questions. Just because a child doesn't ask doesn't mean she's not curious. She may sense a hesitancy from you to talk about it, and/or she may have picked up on other "cues" from society and feel uneasy about it. Regardless of whether your child brings it up, you need to make a point to bring it up and provide opportunities for natural conversations to happen, even if they don't!

Our children need to know that they can come to us and expect honesty...Howell writes that they need to know that we are willing to answer their questions, and that they have a right to ask the questions that are on their minds. Listen to what your children are asking, and work to answer the questions that they have.

"Respond wholesomely to natural curiosity." When kids ask difficult or pointed questions, it can feel intrusive to us. But their curiosity is natural.... think about it. What other subject is as cloaked and concealed for children and teens as this one? And yet, hints of it are in their faces all of their lives. Consider this contrast:

EXAMPLE #1: You're at a fast food place eating hamburgers and french fries with your son for lunch one day. Suddenly, he looks up at you and says, "Mommy, where do french fries come from?"

You say, "Well, farmers grow potatoes, and those potatoes get sent to a warehouse or factory where they cut up potatoes into long strips. Then they come to this restaurant and the worker dips them down into hot oil. After that, they pull them out and pour salt on it."

"Cool," he says, "can we see how they do that?"

"Sure, darlin, we'll peek over the counter for a minute or two on our way out."

EXAMPLE #2: You and your husband joyfully tell your son that you're pregnant with another baby. Later that day, he asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

You say, "Well, mommies and daddies each have a special part God uses to make babies, called an egg and a sperm. When they come together, it makes a baby."

"Cool," he says, "can we see them?"

"No, they're too small to see."

"Well, how do they get come together?"

"God made mommies' and daddies' bodies to fit together in a special way called 'making love' so that the sperm from daddy can come together with the egg in mommy's body to form a baby."

"Neat. Can I see sometime?"

"No, it's something private for only mommies and daddies to do when they're all alone."

See the difference? Just about everything else in their life, especially in this modern age, they can get detailed information about. They have answers. They can look in their backyard, or even online and see the various stages of how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. When we bake a cake, they see it from the beginning stages of flour, sugar, and eggs all out on a counter... and see the final result of a beautiful tasty cake. But making a baby is something that they entirely are forced to imagine and make up stories about, particularly if they are given no information.

All that to say, we (as a Christian culture) are very quick to encourage curiosity about just about anything except for sex. When we have done that, we then seem surprised when their natural curiosity is evident in the area of sexuality. Let's take advantage of their natural curiosity, suppressing our own urges to have our eyes pop out when they ask very BIG questions, and provide honest, accurate information.

"Encourage modesty and privacy in the home."

MODESTY: Different families have different levels of comfort with modesty, and that's OK. Some families don't mind changing clothes in front of same-sex family members, others do, etc. Different children will have different personal expressions of modesty as well. Some children feel very private from an early age, and others don't. Howell writes, "Parent's respect for the modesty/privacy of growing children can be helpful in teaching them to respect the privacy of other family members." Whatever level of modesty/privacy exists, we will do well to teach our children to respect their own level of comfort regarding modesty, and to respect the privacy of others.
PRIVACY: When we teach our children that certain things (like conversations about sex, and their private body parts) are only for certain times, we are teaching them the value of privacy and discretion. When we talk about sexuality with our kids, we can tell them, "now, we only talk about these things with mommy and daddy and sometimes with a doctor. You can ask us any question, and we'll be able to talk about these things just together as a family."

Some people argue that children ought not be told the proper names for body parts, or be told the facts about sex, because they might say those things in inappropriate places (like at Grandma's Thanksgiving table). That is like choosing to not have a kitchen table because your child might climb up on it and jump off and break their arm. Instead of expecting the worst outcome, prepare for the best outcome, and prevent against the worst outcomes through teaching and discipline.

Teach your children that knowing about sex and how babies are made is a special part of growing older, and that it is something private and special that God gave to each person. That it's not something we talk about in public, but it is something that we can be excited about and thankful for, since it's a special gift from God. When you train your children to obey, there may be an occasional 'slip', but they will learn to keep these things private and for discussion with mom and dad only.

COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT SEXUALITY FROM YOUNG CHILDREN:
"It is of course impossible to anticipate all of the questions that may arise during these eight years, but we can examine some representative ones that tend to occur frequently." Different children will ask these questions at different ages/stages, but generally, the questions tend to be asked in this basic sequence:

• Questions about the difference between boys and girls- Boys may know more initially about the name and function of their genitals because they are external and they can easily see them. Girls may not be as aware, initially, of their privates, but may grow concerned if they see a little brother's penis and wonder why they don't have one. Children need to be affirmed in their masculinity or femininity, and there is no shame in the curiosity of why they are different. A good book with pencil drawings can be a tool for helping children understand the differences between male and female bodies.

• Questions about where babies come from- tend to be asked at about 3-5 years. Don't make up anything silly or untrue. Tell the simple truth in a way that can be understood. A child will often ask the same question multiple times... to gain more information, and to gain more confidence in the information he already has. Don't be frustrated if you find yourself explaining this process many, many times. Additionally, when a child asks how a baby comes out, don't make up anything other than the truth: "God made it so that a baby can come out through a special opening between mommy's legs that gets big enough to let the baby out." Like the other examples we've talked about, your answers can get more specific as time goes along, as more conversations are had, and as your child is capable of understanding. If your child asks to see the special place where babies come out, don't be shocked-- you can use drawings or pictures or other resources (which we'll talk about in the next post) to illustrate for your child how this happens.

• Questions about conception and the father's part in it- These questions will come as a child's understanding grows, typically between 5-8 years old. This can often be the break-down point for information... some parents feel uncomfortable because this is the part where "we talk about 'IT'." (I have to admit that I had butterflies in my stomach not too long ago when my oldest asked for specifics in this area!) But, as Howell notes,

  "if the child has been impressed with the fact that every baby has both a father and a mother who share in the creation of his life, later questions about the process of conception will be easier to handle!"

  Your child may be satisfied initially with a very basic answer, that a part of the father is joined with a part of the mother, and it creates a baby. Or he may press for more information, at which point a more detailed explanation is appropriate. Something like the following may be what your child needs to know in order to "get it straight" in his head: "You know that every boy has a penis and every girl has a vagina [some people would use the word vulva here]. In order for a mom and dad to have a baby, the penis fits into the vagina and the sperm comes out into the mom's body, where it can find and join with the egg inside the mom. This is called making love, or sexual intercourse."
  
  This kind of frankness may seem uncomfortable to many, particularly because (as the recent Making Home poll showed) so many parents were given no information at ALL as a child. However, in this day of at-your-fingertips sexual information online, in movies, on billboards, and on TV every hour of the day, we need to be intentional about insuring that WE are the ones framing this issue in our children's minds. As one commenter noted on the last post in this series, "if they're old enough to ask about it, they're old enough to hear the answer."
  

• Questions about pregnancy and its development- these usually come after or along with the questions about conception. Howell suggests several principles about answering these questions:
  

  - don't over-emphasize or focus on pain in childbirth.
  - don't make it seem like such questions are "bad"
  - do emphasize the normal way in which pregnancy is an unfolding of God's plan

FINAL THOUGHTS
Summing up, Howell suggests that by the time a child is ready for first grade, he ought to have the "basic information about the physical differences between girls and boys, should have some understanding of how pregnancy occurs, how babies grow inside the mother's body, and the general process of birth." Not only will such information keep him from becoming enthralled with the made-up (and completely untrue) stories that other children in his sunday school or play group will tell about how babies are made, but it will help him to not have a cloud of confusion and shame associated with these issues.

Though this can seem overwhelming and like a make-or-break kind of conversation, and it IS an important subject, it IS do-able. You can have these conversations in a way that doesn't make your child break out in peals of laughter, and that doesn't make you break out in hives! :) Frankly, I think that a lot of the difficulty or discomfort surrounding these conversations comes from putting it off for too long. A child that is learning all kinds of "how-it-works" information about the world won't see this as some out-of-nowhere discussion. This is just one other "new" thing that he's learning or hearing about, concerning how the world and its various parts work. It is most often OUR feelings as parents (and all the associations we have with this topic) that makes this seem awkward or uncomfortable. When we answer our children's questions at the ages when they are ready for the basic information, we are giving them a great gift. Accurate information presented in a godly light (and covered in prayer) will yield a confidence in God's design for life, and a healthy view of sexuality that is worth striving to achieve.

At the same time, I fully recognize that this is a very difficult issue for many of us. With that in mind, I do have some excellent resources that I would recommend to help you provide this kind of information in a less clinical, more natural, and more exciting way... and I'll be sharing those in the next post on book and video resources for teaching your child (from birth to age eight) about sex and how babies are made.

Teach Your Children About Sex: Chapter 4, Parental Preparation for Sex Education

[I've been reading through an older book on how to educate children about sex, sexuality, and physical maturity. It's called "Teaching Your Children About Sex" by John C. Howell, and it was published in 1973. Though I would not recommend this book as a primary resource for Christian sex education, I appreciate the developmental information and structure of the discussion in this book. This is the fifth in a series of posts discussing this issue of how to teach our children about biblical sexuality. (Click to read the previous posts in this series: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Pt.1, Chapter Three, Pt.2) Quotes or ideas from the book are listed as such. Anything else is my commentary and thoughts.]

In this current sex-crazed culture, Christian parents often don't know how to handle discussing sex with our children. On the one hand, the way the world so casually treats sexuality is rightly repulsive to us as we prepare our children... and yet, on the other hand, we cannot and must not ignore these issues; it would be harmful to our children to do so. Too often, parents I speak with and hear from are scared or intimidated and put these conversations off for far too long... to the point that it becomes even more awkward and intimidating.

Preparing ourselves for these conversations can make all the difference.

BE RESPONSIVE & ACCURATE
When talking about sex with our children, we must remember to be responsive and accurate.

Responsiveness will mean being aware of what children are asking, and responding to what they ask about. I have heard moms proudly declare "well, she asked about x,y,or z sex topic today, but I was able to change the subject and get out of it!" I always feel puzzled and sad when I hear parents say such things... in what other area would you feel proud about withholding basic life or biological information from your child?

When a four-year-old asks how Aunt Suzie's baby got there, it's a perfect teachable moment! When a nine-year-old hears about something about sex through friends and asks you about it, you've got a natural entrance to speak truth into her heart and mind. The problem is this: most parents aren't prepared for these moments-- they don't think they're going to happen, and so they don't know what to do when they happen. That's when accuracy can become a problem.

Accuracy in our answers is critical so that our children know they can trust us in this area of intimacy, and we must be prepared to give accurate answers when we talk about sex with our children. One example given in Howell's book gives a clear picture of how inaccuracy can sneak into these conversations:

One Tennessee mother was on a family retreat with her thirteen year old son, and had decided that now was the time to tell her son more about the facts of life.

"As she became more explicit in her description of sexual relationships between men and women, the son became uneasy and registered some distress... Finally, he could stand the strain no longer and burst out, 'But you and Daddy don't do it, DO YOU?' By this time the mother was so concerned about her son's deeply emotional feelings that she replied, 'well, no, we don't.' Now she was faced with the fact that in her own inability to handle his feelings, she had told him a lie which needed to be corrected."

There are some basic aspects of preparing our own attitudes about these discussions that can make everything go much more easily. While there will undoubtedly sometimes be a lump in the back of the throat when discussing more specific details, when we are prepared for these conversations, we can face them much more confidently and naturally.

EXAMINE YOUR BASIC ATTITUDES ABOUT SEXUAL ISSUES

• Attitudes toward the body and its functions. God made our bodies, and he called them "good". They are His creation, and we need to abandon Victorian principles that make us giggly, ashamed, or embarrassed about what He has given us. That doesn't mean we swing to the other end of the spectrum and go join a nudist colony or something... but we need to have balanced and healthy view of bodies and the way God designed them. Modesty and privacy can be passed on, without giving children a sense of shame about their bodies.
  
  For example, when we are first teaching our children the names of their body parts, they don't have social "baggage" associated with certain words. Just teach them the real name... practice out loud beforehand if you have to... but strive to give your child a healthy, thankful view of the body that God gave to him or her.
  
  
• Attitudes toward your own sexuality and its expression in the marriage relationship. "Long before parents do any verbal teaching of the child, their own sexual attitudes will be communicated to him through their interaction with one another." It's been said that the best thing you can do for your child is to invest in your marriage, and it's true. Our own sexual attitudes not only shape our marriage, but they shape the future marriages and sexual behaviors of our children.
  
  Psychotherapist Morgan Eisenberg said that a child receives support for his/her sexual identity from the way parents support his masculinity or her femininity. "More important than this," he contends, "is the degree to which parents themselves truly accept their own masculinity and femininity." We as parents must be comfortable in our own skin, either as a man or as a woman. Little boys need to have their masculine traits affirmed and supported, and little girls need to be affirmed and supported in their femininity. There is an undeniable connection between the gender-neutrality that has been encouraged in child-rearing for decades and the gender-confusion that now exists in our culture. Children look for affirmation in their boyishness or girlishness, and we need to be cheerleaders that encourage them to be who God made them to be!
  
  One final word about this: we need to deal with our own sexual issues. I have written here many times about how we as Christian women need to experience God's freedom in the area of intimacy. I'm convinced that too many Christian women walk around, shackled because of previous sin in their lives, previous abuse or shame, or because of attitudes that were passed down to them from their parents. Our kids will intuitively SENSE our attitudes about sex. If we secretly resent having to be intimate with our spouse, or if we think "good girls don't enjoy sex", or if we think that the only "fun" sex that can be had is by sinful means, those attitudes will undoubtedly seep into our child rearing and will affect how our children view sex. So, I would say this: DEAL WITH YOUR OWN ISSUES. If you need to see a counselor or talk with a pastor, DO IT! If you need to start investing in and working to "fix" this area of sex in your marriage, by all means, DO IT! But give your children a gift of a healthier view of marriage and sex by dealing with and reshaping your OWN attitudes towards marriage and sex.
  
  
• Attitudes towards curiosity and sex play. Many parents unnecessarily build shame into their children by displaying frustration or a disgusted attitude when children discover their genitals. Nearly all babies in their first year or two will notice and touch their private areas. Why wouldn't they? They touch their noses, their feet, their belly buttons, and their fingers... it is parental discomfort that makes these innocent discoveries into something more sinister. Try to be matter of fact and use proper terms for the parts when these things happen, like, "yes, that is your penis. That is where your pee-pee comes out." Try not to make it into a moral issue.
  
  As children grow older, they will want to know what other parts look like. Boys will want to know what is "normal" for a man's genitals... and will probably ask what little girls' parts look like too. Being around parents and babies can be great ways to deal with this. If a little boy can casually see his dad getting out of the shower, it won't be as big of a mystery what a man's body looks like... and conversations can ensue that affirm his masculinity, "will I have hair on my chest like you do?" If a little girl can watch her little brother's diaper getting changed, there will be less mystery around what a boy's "parts" look like, and conversations can ensue there too-- "why don't I have a penis?" Natural exposure like this, without shame or dirtiness, can be a great way to satisfy natural curiosity about body development.

Our attitudes as parents will shape the entire course of our children's sex education. If we act like it is shameful, they will inherit that shame and will likely go elsewhere (to friends? to the internet?) for more information. If we act like it is naughty, we will be giving our sons a sense of shame as they grow in their sexual desires, and setting our daughters up for rigidity in their marriages. If we act like it is no fun, those attitudes will be passed down, and then when they see films and movies showing 30-year-old singles having a BLAST having sex, they'll think we're idiots and will forsake our teaching and our faith for the "wisdom" of the world. As Howell writes,

"it is worth every effort for the Christian couple to develop healthy and enjoyable attitudes in their own sexual life in the home. Ultimately, this is the most creative contribution that parents can make to the purpose of equipping young people to accept their own sexuality with respect and happiness."

Howell offers a few final encouragements:

1. Trust your ability to teach. Get books and resources that help you be confident in what you're teaching! (I'll be doing one entire post about solid, recommended resources in the next week or two.) And be ready to teach-- listen to your child for cues about what he/she is curious about! When he asks a question about sexual issues, find out what he's really asking, and then your answer will be more appropriate and meet his needs. Sometimes it will mean reading the "cues" of a child who is curious but doesn't know how to ask the question. Trust your ability to teach, and be ready to share about the things he/she is curious about!
2. Don't have "the talk"... have MANY talks! Healthy attitudes about sexuality don't happen in a one-stop conversation. Communication over time will give children and youth the ability to rightly interpret the world around them. When you or a friend get pregnant, use that as a teaching opportunity. When a little boy at church starts "kissing all the girls", use THAT as an opportunity to talk about these things. Take the time to teach in natural moments... times when you're one-on-one with a child and there are things going on in life that he/she might be curious about. Some parents prefer talking about these things while on a walk or driving a car; I prefer talking in everyday moments... while snuggled on the couch, while watching "In the Womb" (our favorite how-babies-grow resource), or while going about everyday things. The key is having uninterrupted one-on-one time to talk openly and honestly.
3. Sex education is a shared task. Both parents need to be active in communicating healthy, biblical attitudes to children. Boys and girls BOTH need input from BOTH parents. A girl needs to know how men view women, and the best person who can teach her that is her dad. She also needs to know what it feels like and looks like to be a woman, from her mom. And the same goes true for little boys... they need the affirmation of their dad, but they need to see how a woman responds to kisses and affection from her husband- they need to see how a woman views babies and children... and mom can provide this information for them!

So, ultimately, it's not a one-time task, and it's not a one-person job. If we're prepared and ready for the questions that will come and the information that will be asked about, we'll be much more able to respond confidently and accurately when the teachable moments happen.


The next posts will deal specifically, one at a time, with each age range, and what's "normal" for the curiosity and needs and behaviors of each age group... that's when we'll get into specifics about how much to share how soon, how to lay a good foundation, etc. Hope you're enjoying the series!

Teach Your Children About Sex: Chapter 3, part 2: MORAL GROWTH

I've been reading through an older book on how to educate children about sex, sexuality, and physical maturity. It's called "Teaching Your Children About Sex" by John C. Howell, and it was published in 1973. This is the fourth in a series of posts discussing this issue of how to teach our children about biblical sexuality. (Click to read the previous posts in this series: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Pt.1)

STAGES OF MORAL GROWTH
Essentially, as a child grows, his moral capacity will (or should) grow as well. Morally speaking, a child will be most productive and content in life if he moves from:

"amoral" or NON-moral (as an infant- wanting everything for himself and having no sense of real moral values)
to
"expedient morals" (still quite self-centered, with an eye towards getting himself what he wants, which might be obtained through acting morally or immorally)
to
"conforming" (acts obediently in order to please others)
or irrational-conscientious (accepts external rules almost without consideration)
to
"rational-altruistic" morality (where personal character is developed "in which behavior is guided by principles rather than strictly by rules").

Progression throughout the stages is not a given. People without internal morality can exist for the entirety of their lives in the "expedient" moral realm. Generally moral people can exist for the entirety of their lives in the "conforming" or "irrational-conscientious" modes.

SO WHAT'S THE POINT?
At this point (if you've made it this far), you might be saying, OK, but how does all of this relate to teaching my kid about "the birds and the bees"? But the truth is, it has EVERYTHING to do with how we teach and how they hear what we're teaching in this area of sexual education.

If our children never get past the stage of expedient morality, they will "obey the rules" until it proves undesirable for them to do so (which of course, is easy to feel with raging hormones).

If they pass the stage of expedient morality, but have passed into irrational acceptance of rules, they just might be OK, until they get out of our homes (think of how many children raised in ultra-strict homes go on to rebel and completely reject the faith of their family). But once they get out into a world that encourages them to ask "why?", if we haven't trained them to examine the foundations of their beliefs while they are in our home, and if we haven't taught them to operate on personally-held principles and values rather than just "obeying the rules", they are hugely at risk for falling prey to the very philosophies of the world (and behaviors of the world) that we most want them to avoid.

Ultimately, too, simply understanding general principles of how our children are growing will help us to know where they are and where they aren't. It will give us better insight as we talk with them about important things... like God's designs for intimacy! As Howell put it:

"As parents understand how growth occurs, the role of teaching healthy sexual attitudes and encouraging responsible sexual behavior will be made easier."

So now that we've talked about physical and emotional maturing (in the last post) and moral maturing in this post, we're ready to move onto the more practical things... Next post: preparing ourselves as parents for the task of sex education of our children, and after that, we'll move into talking about age ranges and what is appropriate, behaviorally and in curiosity, for each age grouping.

Hope you guys are enjoying this series and now that we've laid a good foundation for our discussion, are ready to get into the "meat" of how we can teach our children about sex.

Teach Your Children About Sex: Chapter 3, part 1- PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL GROWTH

I've been reading through an older book on how to educate children about sex, sexuality, and physical maturity. It's called "Teaching Your Children About Sex" by John C. Howell, and it was published in 1973. This is the third in a series of posts discussing this issue of how to teach our children about biblical sexuality. (Click to read the previous posts: Chapter ONE, Chapter TWO.)

Chapter three is about the development of a child. Howell bases his discussion of human growth and development on Luke 2:52, "Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man", to show that human beings are made to grow intellectually, physically, spiritually, and relationally.

PATTERNS OF PHYSICAL GROWTH
Obviously, children grow in size. Generally, the times of greatest change in size comes from conception until the preschool age.

The next "spurt" is the pubescent time of growth, and occurs in early adolescence. It lines up with the time of sexual maturation. Even within each of these growth spurts, there are early and late bloomers, and the difference between the two can be significant.


PHASES OF EMOTIONAL GROWTH
Howell begins, "It is impossible to completely separate emotional growth from physical maturation since the emotions and the body affect each other so decisively. He talks about five basic phases of emotional development:

1. Infancy- He develops trust & bonds with parents and other caregivers/ family members.
   
2. Youth- As his relationships with relatives and family friends develop, his ideas of trust, love, bonding, and friendship grow. In adolescence, "the task facing the growing youth is to develop a real sense of identity as a whole person."
3. Young Adulthood- "The individual seeks to acquire a sense of intimacy and solidarity as he enters into marriage."
4. Parenthood- He becomes generational, and "avoids a sense of self-absorption by expanding his interests and love."
   
5. Senior Years- "He must develop a sense of integrity and avoid a sense of despair as he faces the closing years of his life."

[It is here that I should point out that Howell is talking about typical progression, not absolute progression. Of course, there are always exceptions (singles, couples who struggle with infertility, etc.), but these are the general "norms" of life (at least, how things should be, even though now the last three phases have been pushed back by at least a decade from what they used to be).]

When you break it down like that, it becomes clear that healthy progression into each phase depends upon "satisfactorily coping with the crises of the preceding phase." Parents can help the child progress through each phase of emotional growth "by providing an encouraging environment for growth in the family situation." Four aspects are particularly crucial:

(1) Children need freely given LOVING CARE- Howell makes this interesting point:

"You may say that this is so obvious is needs no discussion, but the truth is that many parents are unable to give love freely because they have never solved their own love needs in relationship to each other.

He continues, with another excellent observation:

"If the father is abnormally hungry for love himself, he may think of his child as a competitor for the mother's love. ... The mother, on the other hand, may have problems which make it difficult for her to give herself in love to her husband, so instead she lavishes a sentimentalized kind of affection on the child as a substitute for her inability to open up emotionally to deep feelings with her husband."

This lack of love experienced by parents (as we all have seen, either in the lives of others, or in our own lives) can have many consequences. It can result in a teenage girl to seek affection in the arms of a multitude of men because of the lack of affection she received from her father. It can encourage a young man to act out angrily in protest of what needs he had that went unmet. A lack of love and encouragement of emotional growth often, in this day and age, results in young adults who feel unable to go into the world and carry out adult responsibilities and lives... so they are suspended in "adultescence", as some have called it.

(2) Children need SECURITY. A child needs to be able to rely on his parents.

"This true sense of security is one of the most valuable contributions that parents can make to the sexual education of their children. Since education begins long before any distinct teaching about sex is given, the warm emotional atmosphere of secure family life provides the setting necessary for interpreting the meaning of healthy sexuality."

(3) Children need GUIDANCE. "Unrestricted freedom is not conducive to good emotional or ethical growth." Certainly, this can cause difficulty, discerning the levels of adherence to parental guidance and personal independence for the child as the child grows closer to adulthood.

Generally speaking, as a child shows responsibility in small things, they should be given increasing responsibility and freedom as they grow. Children displaying poor judgment and responsibility need to be carefully guided by parents who have sought wisdom from the Lord (and we have the promise that He will give it- James 1:5). Even young adults will need carefully considered guidance from parents, but we must be careful that as they grow closer to adulthood, we are not still exercising the same level and kinds of guidance that we did when they were young children.

[SIDERANT BY JESS: You'll note that I'm not using the word "teenager" here... I'm not against using it, per se. But it's not a biblical term. Biblically speaking, a male is either a child or a man. A female is either a child or a woman. I believe that the introduction of the "teenage culture", around the middle of the 20th century, gave young adults the feeling that they no longer were expected to act as young adults, and instead could be excused to act in childish ways. Now, that feeling has carried over into the 20's and even 30's in some circles. I personally don't like the term, although I know it is simply a matter of personal preference. Though our culture says otherwise, I believe that the so-called "teenage" years are actually years where a young person can begin "practicing" adult life to some degree while still under the guiding care and watchful eye of their parents. They can work and learn to make responsible decisions, begin studying towards a career or skills that will enable them to live out biblical adult lives, and generally "practice" building godly relationships, while still under their parents' roof.]

(4) Children need FAITH- faith in people as well as faith in God. He needs a basic trust in his parents, which will later enable him to trust others and form meaningful relationships.

We must be mindful of all the areas of our children's growth (intellectual, physical, emotional, and moral/spiritual growth) as we seek to discuss these issues of human sexuality within their proper context.

Next up, we'll finish chapter three by talking about moral development of a child.

POLL: HOW WERE YOU EDUCATED ABOUT "THE BIRDS & THE BEES"?

I've got a new poll up- it goes along with the series we're in the middle of ("How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex"). I thought it would be interesting to get a "feel" for how most of us were told about sex/intimacy.

Here are the options:

• My parents gave me TOO much information (personal details, descriptions, etc.). I wish I would have known LESS.
• My parent(s) gave me an appropriate introduction to sexuality. It may not have been perfect, but they did a pretty good job.
• My parent(s) did the best they could, but I wouldn't do it the same way.
• I got a clinical/biological description with no love or enjoyment as part of the discussion.
• My parent(s) gave inaccurate information (babies come from storks, kissing gets you pregnant, etc.). I had to get my "real" sex ed from other sources.
• My parent(s) gave me a lecture, and made me feel that sex was wrong or bad.
• I heard absolutely nothing about sex from my parent(s). Whatever I learned, I learned from other sources (friends, TV, etc.).
• I was sexually abused as a child and that was my introduction to sexuality.
• Other (please leave an answer, even anonymously)

I tried to cover most of the bases, but already have realized that there may be some I didn't "hit". As always, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to share everything on your mind... (don't worry about "writing a book") And since this is a sensitive subject, anonymous comments will be published. So let me hear from you- How were YOU told about sex when you were young?

Teach Your Children About Sex: Chapter 2- "Sexuality in Christian Perspective"

I've been reading through an older book on how to educate children about sex, sexuality, and physical maturity. It's called "Teaching Your Children About Sex" by John C. Howell, and it was published in 1973. This is the second in a series of posts discussing this issue of how to teach our children about biblical sexuality. (Click to read the previous post: Chapter ONE.)

Howell begins by addressing how attitudes towards sexuality have developed in Christian history. He writes, "the healthy Jewish acceptance of human sexuality revealed in the OT was changed into an essentially antisexual religious perspective." Much of this was due to acceptance of the Greek idea that "all matter is evil and consequently man's body must be evil also." Essentially, "the body was thought to be the source of sin [rather than the soul] and was regarded as man's chief obstacle to living the virtuous life."

Many of these ideas have been engrained in various strains of Christianity and falsely woven into biblical truth so that many Christians don't know how to talk about sex without it being an essentially sinful or shameful discussion.

To combat this, Howell quotes David Mace who writes, "The only way open to Christians [to develop biblical theology about sex], therefore, is to go back to the Bible and start again." Howell offers some basic principles about biblical sexuality:

1. Human Life is Inherently Sexual- "Some readers may be surprised to learn that from the very beginning of the biblical record [Genesis 1:27-28], God gives His approval to sex!" Sexuality is not something that was tacked on after the fall of man into sin. "Sexual desire and sexual relationships are the intended purpose of God for man and woman in their relationship to each other. The Song of Solomon gives eloquent testimony to the OT view of sexual pleasure as right."
   
   Howell makes an interesting point about Paul's view of sexuality: "Paul at times gives a limited approval to sexual life in human relationships, but this seems to be the result of his belief that Jesus was soon to return and human relationships were of secondary importance because of this impending crisis. Even in this situation, however, Paul instructs Christians to fulfill one another's sexual needs in marriage (1 Cor. 7:3-5)."
   
   "So a basic element in the Christian perspective on sexuality is to honor human sexuality as God's creative purpose for human enrichment and for the procreation of children."
   
   
2. Sexuality Offers Potential for Good or Evil- "The potential for evil use of sexuality is described vividly in biblical accounts of adultery (2 Sam. 11:2-26), rape and incest (2 Sam. 13:1-19)," and other areas as well.
   
   But the potential for good use of sexuality is every bit as real and biblically supported. As laid out in Scripture, it is the means by which a man and woman become a father and mother, and by which God creates new life. It is also the means by which a picture of Christ & His bride is lived out: the idea of "oneness". Paul (even with his view that Christ's return was "impending" - 1 Cor.7:26, 29) wrote about the necessity of regular times of intimacy in marriage. When we look at the whole counsel of the Word of God, it becomes clear that it is not sexuality which is good or evil, but that the use of our sexuality can be either good or evil.
   
   
3. Sexuality Is Good When Carried Out in the Christian Life- The "one flesh" relationship of marriage was affirmed by Jesus in Matt. 19 when the Pharisees asked Him about divorce. The one flesh relationship implies several things for us as Christians, and by its nature, teaches us about God's intentions for sex.
   
   First, Howell writes that sexual intercourse reveals something about man: he needs relationship. We are not meant to be solitary beings. Through intimacy, the couple learns "something about themselves and about each other which can be known in no other way." We are created for relationship, and for bonding.
   
   Second, sexual union reveals something about the creativity of God: He gave us an opportunity to have a pleasurable experience while participating in the wonder of procreation (making new life). He could have made babies happen in any number of ways (including the possibility of human intimacy being as apparently joyless and mechanical as many animals experience). Instead, He chose to affirm the one flesh relationship, knowing that it is created with pleasurable sensations and physical delight enmeshed in the actions.
   
   Additionally, sexual intimacy provides an opportunity to better understand the depth of love Christ has for the Church. Throughout the New Testament, Christ is compared to a groom waiting to become one with His bride (the Church). Sexual intimacy is a way that we as humans can understand the "Oneness" Christ desires to have with us. We are not obliterated into personality-less people when we marry someone else; instead when we become "one flesh", we (ideally) become more loving, more relational, more purified as we "sharpen one another", and more complete. No, and it will not be so when we are joined with Christ in Heaven either. We will not lose ourselves... rather we will become more loving, more relational, more sanctified and complete.

When we understand sexuality in light of biblical truth, it becomes clear just how much historical attitudes and modern attitudes towards sex have clouded our judgment and made us much more likely to FEAR this discussion with our children, rather than having healthy times of teaching and discussing sexuality within the biblical framework. When we have a biblically-informed view of sexual issues, the whole discussion becomes much more beautiful and healthy.