7 Quick Takes Friday - #29

1. Hope you had an incredibly restful Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite holiday.  Downtime with family... excellent food... no stress of gifts... no one's in too big a hurry. I just love it.  We feasted like kings, and I got to hold my one-month-old niece-- joy!
2. We're staying in America.  That's right, not heading back in January.  We'll continue to be here in Texas, able to love on family & friends in person.  If you're one of our (real-life) friends and this is the first you've heard of it, I'm sorry... we made the decision about 2-3 weeks ago, and have let it out in waves.  
3. Yes, that means lots is changing for us... looking for a job, house, couches, mattresses, sheets, dishes... wow.  We may end up shipping some of that back from Istanbul; we're working out logistics over the next few weeks.  Still, lots of changes coming our way.  I'd appreciate your prayers.
4. Black Friday-- you venturing out?  My mom & I are... I think we'll go to Joann's, and then I need to get socks for my youngest three children.  Somehow, every time we go to leave the house, none of them can find any socks.  We are, apparently, the Clampetts.
5. I'm LOVING this book Margin by Kevin Swenson.  If you haven't read my last few posts about Margin, you should.  This book has its finger on the pulse of the entire modernized world, and I think the author really has some challenging words.  
6. Weight Watchers is so awesome.  I love being able to eat real food, and even enjoy crazy-good-food holidays like Thanksgiving and still be a-ok weight-wise.  I've now lost 20 pounds, and still have about 20 more pounds to go.  
7. Whatcha thinking about this Republican field of nominees for 2012?  Here are my thoughts: 

• Perry is embarrassing, and Cain is just underwater now... between his women issues and his continued misspeaks, even if he is a good leader, he is just a rotten candidate.  I wish either of these men (or both!) would be humble enough to recognize that they are a drag on the race and resign, but no, they just keep right on.  
• Romney had a weird blip this week.  He was in a good position, to just wait it out and hope for Republicans come to the conclusion of his inevitability, but then he went and made this ad where he completely misrepresents something Obama said.  It's a flat-out lie.  I don't understand the reasoning behind this decision; he was sitting pretty and is now potentially in hot water.
• Gingrich has somehow positioned himself as a smart, potentially palatable non-Romney.  I think he and Romney are battling it out for the top.
• Paul is continuing to present the message of freedom and not being the world's bully.  People don't like that last part so much... but really, how has that approach (the "bring it on" mentality) worked for the last 12 or so years?  There's a reason why Ron Paul gets more donations from the US military servicemen than all other candidates combined.  He knows what he's talking about, in regard to both the budget & foreign-policy.
• Bachman & Huntsman have actually both appeared more presidential & commanding with foreign policy issues in recent debates.  It is possible that one of them might have a chance, but it's a slim chance.  
• Santorum's campaign confuses me.  I don't really know anyone who supports him and it makes me wonder if he's trying to run for veep?

What say you?  About the debate or any of the rest of this rambly post... I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Margin #3- Overload: When Our Threshold is Exceeded

Have you ever done one of those points-based "stress evaluations"?

Doug and I always laughed when we'd see those over the last 6 years, living overseas.  With culture stresses, job changes, moving apartments, new babies, changes in our diet/living, and the like, we always ended up scoring far, and sometimes ridiculously far, off the charts.

If you're a parent in this American culture, you likely would score high as well-- job change, relocation, pregnancy and babies, changes in sleeping habits, unemployment, change in schools, increasing dietary allergies and illnesses that lead to diet change-- these things are par for the course.

Overload is a common malady among us.

LACK OF MARGIN

In this discussion of building "margin" into our lives, a common objection might be, "People have always had to work hard and set priorities for their lives.  'There is nothing new under the sun,' like Solomon said."  But Swenson writes that contemporary stressors affect us all much more than typical "pressures of life" affected the generations prior to this one.  Some highlights: we have much more change coming much more rapidly in our lives; we have more activities to arrive at and more deadlines to meet; intact supportive family relationships have been dismantled; and long-term friendships are increasingly rare.

When the pressures of life mount up to unsustainable levels, and our support systems are arguably weaker than they have ever been, the result is often burnout.

In our interactions with other expats (overseas-dwellers), we would hear about burnout relatively often.  It's a common phenomenon among people who have pushed all their stress levels to the max, particularly when those people lack familiar "pressure valves" (i.e., a close relative living nearby to help with the kids every great once in a while) that they have previously used to relieve stress.

"Burnout: If you bend a small tree and then release it, the sapling will return to its former shape.  This is analogous to stress-- we bend and then recover.  However, if you bend the sapling until it snaps, it stays broken.  This is analogous to burnout.  Something inside breaks."

THRESHOLD AND OVERLOAD 
Swenson points out that we naturally bend to some limitations-- physical limits, for example, limit the number of tables & chairs that can fit in a given room.  While you might be able to cram in 100 piece of furniture into a room, would you really want to?  Of course not, because that would make the space unusable.  

Performance limitations often pertain to both physical limits & the unquantifiable factor of will power.  And while the human will is indeed and incredible force, there are physiological limits on us all...  Swenson points out:

"Runners keep running faster, and swimmers keep swimming faster.  But there must be an end to this, true?  We cannot run the mile in one second.  Neither will it ever be possible for anyone to run it in one minute.  There is a built-in physiological limit beyond which records will rarely be broken."

Like the graph shows, humans' "performance increases with increasing demand and increasing effort-- but only up to a point.  Once we reach our limit, fatigue sets in, followed quickly by exhaustion and collapse."

"Emotional limits are even more vague"-- while there are clearly physical limitations, it is more difficult to understand fully how much one individual person can "take", emotionally speaking.  And yet, we inherently know to deal gently with an emotionally fragile person, and we might say that they're "on the verge of collapse", or near their "breaking point".  

Mental limitations are as difficult to define as emotional, but certainly, the human brain can not store an unlimited amount of facts.  There is an amount of data, or a speed of input, that would cause our brain and/or memory to essentially shut down.  Swenson points to the high stress and frequent burnout among air-traffic controllers as evidence of mental limitations.

BUT WHAT ABOUT "I CAN DO ALL THINGS"?
In response to the (mis)use of that verse, Swenson answers,

"Does this mean that you can fly?  Can you go six months without eating?   Neither can you live a healthy life chronologically overloaded.  God did not intend this verse to represent a negation of life balance.  Even Jesus Himself did not heal every case of leprosy in Israel.  Think about it.

"It is God the Creator who made limits, and it is the same God who placed them within us for our protection.  We exceed them at our peril."

What happens when we exceed our limits?

• Anxiety- the load is too great, and nervous breakdowns begin to occur
• Hostility- people snap; they blame and/or take out frustration on the people around them
• Depression- their hostility is directed inward, and "they withdraw into a fog of gloom"
• Resentment- the overloading, demanding job/life that used to be enjoyed becomes the enemy

OVERLOAD SYNDROME

Swenson takes a long time to list out the way that activities, changes, choices, commitments, debt, decisions, expectations, fatigue, hurry, information, media, noise, people, possessions, technology, traffic, and work overload our lives and leave us weary and worn out.  Here are a few highlights from his expansion on each idea:

"We are a tired society.  Even our leisure is exhausting-- 54 percent of us admit we are more exhausted at the end of a vacation than at the beginning."

 "A single edition of the New York Times contains more information than a seventeenth-century Britisher would encounter in a lifetime."

"We have more things per person than any other nation in history.  Closets are full, storage space is used up, and cars can't fit into garages.  Having first imprisoned us with debt, possessions then take over our houses and occupy our time.  This begins to sound like an invasion.  Everything I own owns me.  Why would I want more?"

WHY DO WE DO IT?

To the question, "Why do we allow these things to continue?", the author offers these reasons:

1. lack of understanding-- the problem is relatively new, and thus we are blinded to it, "even when it has us by the throat"
2. a sense of conscientiousness-- feeling that we should "do all we can" or that we should always/only "give til it hurts"
3. follow the leader- "our economy and our society are run by the driven.  They climb to positions of power by force and then demand the same over-commitment from those under them."

Here, I think Swenson offers a helpful, discerning point for Christians:

"I am not suggesting that we should strive to have a pain-free, stress-free life.  The Christian walk will always be full of problems and work.  Many times we must be prepared to suffer willingly.  What I am suggesting, however, is that given the unbiquity of overload, we need to choose carefully where our involvement should come.  We must not allow ourselves to be hammered by distress in the many areas of life that have absolutely no transcendent importance.  It is not the will of the Father for us to be so battered by the torment of our age.  There must be a different way-- a way that reserves our strength for higher battles."

ONE PART OF THE SOLUTION
Finally, after 3 parts, I get to share *PART* of Swenson's solution to this lack of margin that affects nearly all of us:

"The problem is overload.  

"Each of us needs to seek his or her own level of involvement and not let the standard be mandated by the often exorbitant expectations of others.  Some around us who are much more involved than we are may not understand why we choose to hold back.  Others might be much less involved than we are-- we assume they don't care.  We must understand that everyone has a different tolerance for overload and a different threshold level when breakdown begins to occur.  It is important for us to set people free to seek their own level. " 

He suggests that the answer is in learning to set limits, and to respect the limits of others.  And he devotes the rest of the book to learning to allow for margin in each area of life.

So as we think about this, I think it is helpful to see this in terms of how we react to and interact with others.  Do we expect them to be involved in every church event?  Are our expectations grace-giving in this area of commitments and involvement, as we wish for others' expectations toward us to be?


What thoughts do you have? I've enjoyed reading your comments and reactions thus far in the series-- did these quotes/ideas bring any new ideas to your mind?

Donkey image: m_bartosch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Margin #2: Progress, Relationships, & Mental Stress

As I continue reading Margin, I've enjoyed the things author Richard A. Swenson has to say about modern life and its lack of margin.  Margin is the idea of building "reserve" into your life, so that you have room for what's most important in life.  He observes:

"Progress's biggest failure has been its inability to nurture and protect right relationships. ...Margin, however, knows how to nurture relationship.  In fact, margin exists for relationship.  Progress, on the other hand, has little to say about the relational life.  Even our language gives us away.  When we talk about progress, we do not mean social, emotional and spiritual advancement.  [Rather, we mean progress in areas of] money, energy, transportation, housing, communications, technology, and education.  People, however, have relational needs that go much deeper."  

WHERE TO INVEST? 
His challenge in these chapters (chapters 3 & 4) is that God would have us use our spiritual gifts, and the "overflow of our hearts" to invest in the social, emotional, and spiritual environments of life, rather than following where progress would have us invest our efforts-- solely in the cognitive and physical environments of life.

Society looks for the answers to social problems in physical solutions and education-- give people more money, and/or set up more classes to educate people (i.e., Think of Oprah's classic response, "when we know better, we do better"-- is that really true?  Is modern society "doing better" now that we "know better"?).  In reality, while these temporary solutions may provide short-term relief, they do not solve matters of the heart.

"Discerning Christians have long known that God is not impressed with our wealth, education, or power.  Nevertheless, we have labored eagerly in those fields.  What if, instead, we were to begin measuring our progress not by our wealth but by our virtue; not by our education, but by our humility; not by our power but by our meekness?

"Graduate degress and DNPs will never usher in the kingdom-- only love can do that.  And love brings us back to [William] Wilberforce: 'Above all, measure your progress by your experience of the love of God and its exercise before men." 

 PHYSICAL vs. MENTAL STRESS
The final idea I want to share from these chapters is a contrast of physical vs. mental exertion, by E.F. Schumacher:

"The widespread substitution of mental strain for physical strain is no advantage from our point of view.  Proper physical work, even if strenuous, does not absorb a great deal of the power of attention, but mental work does; so that there is no attention left over for the spiritual things that really matter.  It is obviously much easier for a hard-working peasant to keep his mind attuned to the divine than for a strained office worker."

Interesting observation, isn't it?  It is obvious when you think about it-- I often get my best thinking done when I'm doing purely physical tasks-- folding laundry, washing dishes, mowing the lawn.  These type of tasks give mental "margin", and give me room to analyze life with sobriety and clarity.

Now, of course we all deal with stress differently, and we all can manage different levels of it.  Generally, though, I think our society pushes too hard, too fast, and too full... this book is definitely causing me to rethink some of the ways that I thoughtlessly ramble along with "progress" and technology in ways that might actually be detrimental to my family and myself.


What about you?  Do you see areas where progress has actually hurt your relationships, or increased your stress?  How do you manage this in your life?

Image: vichie81 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Margin #1: Progress, and the Modern Life

For the last few weeks, I've been reading (and greatly enjoying!) a book called Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives, by Richard A. Swenson, M.D.  If you're not familiar with the idea of "margin", here's a telling snippet from the 1st chapter:

"Progress has given us unprecedented affluence, education, technology, and entertainment.  We have comforts and conveniences other eras could only dream about.  Yet somehow, we are not flourishing under the gifts of modernity as one would expect.  ... How is it possible that the homemaker is still tired despite the help of the washing machine, clothes dryer, dishwasher, and vacuum cleaner?  If we are so prosperous, why are the therapists' offices so full?"

"Margin," he writes, "is having breath left at the top of the staircase, money left at the end of the month, and sanity left at the end of adolescence.  Marginless is being asked to carry a load five pounds heavier than you can lift."

He makes the point that some people believe that nothing's different now; "we've always had stress, it's just different stress now", they say.  His reply?

"I'm not the one who's making the fuss; I'm only writing about it.  I'm only being honest about what I see all around me.  Something's wrong.  People are tired and frazzled.  People are anxious and depressed.  People don't have time to heal anymore."

Dr. Swenson boils it down to this simple situation:

• Symptom: Pain
• Diagnosis: Overload
• Prescription: Margin
• Prognosis: Health

He prescribes building margin into our lives in order to restore sanity and build up a "reserve" in our lives, so that we can focus on and do what is most significant.


The Link Between Progress & Margin
I'm interested to read his recommendations for how to deal with stress and "marginlessness" in our lives, because he makes the point-- an interesting one-- that the decrease of margin in our lives is directly correlated to the march of progress.

"In a general sense, those cultures with the most progress are the same as those with the least margin.  Margin has been stolen away, and progress was the thief." 

One example offered is that when progress meets a tree, it makes "tables, chairs, bowls, and toothpicks."  Progress always changes, and gives us increasing amounts of things at increasingly faster speeds.  And yet, in the midst of all these efforts to make things bigger, faster, more intense, and better, human beings still exist with fixed, human limits.  There is only so much we can do in a day, only so hard we can push our physical bodies, only so much pressure our emotions can handle, etc.

From what I can tell of Dr. Swenson's recommendations just four chapters in, the goal of this book is not to encourage us to stop progress, hide in a cave, or become Amish.  I like how he closed up chapter two:

"Please understand: progress is not evil.  Similarly stress, change, complexity, speed, intensity, and overload are, for the most part, not enemies.  But we have different conditions at play than at any other time in our history and we must discern our course carefully lest we be overwhelmed by forces out of control.   

"We must have some room to breathe.  We need freedom to think and permission to heal.  Our relationships are being starved to death by velocity.  No one has the time to listen, let alone love.  Our children lay wounded on the ground, run over by our high-speed good intentions.  Is God now pro-exhaustion?  Doesn't He lead people beside the still waters anymore?  Who plundered those wide-open spaces of the past, and how can we get them back?"

Do these questions and concerns resonate with you?

Do you feel maxed out and spent?

Do you see a connection between the rise of technology/progress, and the lack of "margin"/space in your life?  Isn't it ironic that the more "in touch" we are with one another (Facebook, Twitter, texting, etc.), the less human-to-human interaction there really is?  Perhaps you've read this book, or another one on this subject?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Image: m_bartosch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Homeschooling, Convictions, and the Christian Welcome

Have you ever been in a home where you felt truly welcomed?  Maybe it was the way you were received into a home, or perhaps a friend did something that made you feel fully accepted and treasured-- welcomed.

Have you ever experienced the opposite?  Maybe it was a group of kids in school who made you feel left out, or a group of adults at work or church who already had their 'clique' and didn't seem to want to have anything to do with you, or a party where you felt like you never really connected with anyone in particular-- unwelcomed.

I'd like to explore the idea of the Christian "welcome" that should exist within the Body of Christ, even while we hold varying personal convictions.  Specifically, I'd like to talk about the sense of unwelcome that is communicated when (at least on the internet) every stance, every conviction, every choice a couple makes is held up as an all-or-nothing proposition, particularly within the Christian homeschool community. 

HOMESCHOOLING & CONVICTIONS

Friends of mine have shared that it can be difficult if you're a homeschool parent of an only child, or even of 2 or 3, when curriculum covers continually feature families of 9 or more, all dressed in denim, period dresses, or plaid.  Intentionally or unintentionally, it projects the message that smaller family units are not valued or welcomed within that circle.  

It also, speaking frankly, projects the message that homeschoolers are some strange breed of humanity, and draws unnecessary and extrabiblical distinctions between us and the world around us, when there are plenty of biblical distinctions that could and should be a better focus of our time and attention.

Even more insidious is the idea that unless we all hold identical convictions on everything, we can not (and should not) be in fellowship.  That standard could be one's political views, stance on contraceptives, headcoverings, skirts, or what educational choices are made by adult children.  Sometimes it is all of these.  

For pete's sake, there are Christian homeschool organizations that have stances on men's facial hair!  It has gone too far, and intruded too deeply into areas where God is fully capable of speaking and leading in the life of a family.  

HOMESCHOOLING = HOLINESS?

Recently, Tim Challies has written about homeschooling, and -I'll admit- I have disagreed with some of what he said, and more generally objected to the approach he uses when he talks about homeschooling, which to me has come off almost like a bitter teacher who wants to "teach a lesson" to the kid he never liked.  However, regardless of my take on his attitude, I think there is one larger point interwoven in his articles worth considering: homeschoolers have too often projected an image that we think that this one educational decision-- homeschooling-- is a holier decision, or that it will somehow save our children from the resident sin within.  

Part of that may be that any significant decision one makes that intentionally takes a minority position seems to cast rejection and judgment toward the majority view, but part of it is that the homeschooling community (writ large) has repeatedly, methodically, sometimes unintentionally, but sometimes intentionally, projected that sense of judgment and disdain toward other choices over the last few decades.  I am not suggesting that I agree that this is a motivation of why people choose to homeschool.    What I'm suggesting is that we need to be aware of this ability to easily come off as "holier than thou", and write and speak about homeschooling more carefully.

UNITY IN CHRIST

As I write here, I want to be careful to cling to what is good and delight in the beauty of the Bride of Christ.  For my part, I want to earnestly seek unity within the Body of Christ, not based on externals, but based on faith in the grace of Jesus Christ as the sole means of my justification.  Whether my daughter, or yours, wears pants or goes to college is not a salvation issue.  Whether or not a family uses contraceptives or not should not be a fellowship issue.  Honestly, while these issues are sometimes discussed among friends, I do not hear them spoken of in real life to the degree or frequency as I see on the internet.  

And schooling decisions are different the world over.  The importance we place on the issue of homeschooling is laughable in a place where the church is being persecuted and can not even meet publicly as believers- places like China, Tajikistan, or Iran.   

While I've worked through some of these issues in my writings here at Making Home, I am writing these things here today, because I do not ever want to be a part of projecting an image that says "if you'll just clean yourself up, or do these things, or hold identical convictions to mine, THEN you will be acceptable to God, and to me as a fellow believer."  Our salvation is granted by Christ's blood-- completely, 100%.  There is nothing we, or our children, can do to merit it.  I never want to even hint otherwise.

RANKING CONVICTIONS

At the same time, I know that when we come to personal convictions, we hold them dearly.  We see how God has led us to certain "a-ha" moments in life, and we treasure that leading of God's Spirit.  And that is right and good, that we value the things God has taught us.  And I know that where there is conviction, that issue is often raised to the level of sin in our own estimation, as we are commanded in Scripture to only do those things that we can do in faith.  Even while I sit here and write this, I know that there are convictions I have that I would rank more significantly than you might rank those same convictions in your own life, and vice-versa.  

WELCOME

But my point is that we have to speak and write about these things with balance and with grace.  If our arms and lives and mouths are so full carrying around these personal convictions, how can we truly open up our arms and offer welcome towards those God has put in our path whose non-salvation-oriented convictions differ from our own?

So for me, the issue becomes this: How can we hold our personal convictions securely, and yet gladly be a part of a more diverse Body of Christ?

And I think Romans 15 says some wonderful things on such a point: 

"Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.  For Christ did not please himself... may the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God."  

I want to think on these ideas more--

(1) please our neighbor for HIS good, to build him up

(2) rely on the God of endurance and encouragement to live in harmony

(3) seek to live in harmony with others so that, together, we can glorify God

(4) welcome others, for God's glory

But for now, thoughts?  Comments?  Christian sister, I would love to hear your reaction to these scattered thoughts I've shared.  

welcome mat image: Stoonn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

shaving image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net