Slumps: What to do when you hit one?

Yesterday, we went to Half Price Books and I was so excited to get a good selection of books (on the cheap!) to give me a boost in the area of personal Bible study.  Last year, I hit a real slump in that area, and I really want to be intentional to try to nurture that area of my life, so that when I hit another tough time, I'll have a variety of spiritual "food" to intake.

Are you in a slump?  It could hit in many different places:

• marriage
• spiritual life
• relationships with your kids
• emotions
• sex life
• friendships

But when it hits, it can be hard to climb out.  I'll offer thoughts on a few... I'd love to have you share your tips/ideas for dealing with slumps in any area of life as a Christian woman!

Spiritual Slump
Sometimes I want Someone to just come and lift me out... and sometimes He does.  But sometimes, He comes and is simply with me in the pit.  And sometimes when I don't reach out to Him, He gently reminds me how much I need Him.

So what I am learning to do is just keep talking to Him.  Just keep looking outside of myself, to find where my Creator, Redeemer, and Friend is at work.  I may have ebbs and flows, but He is always the same.  So when I look to Him, there is a fixed "constant" in my life, no matter what else is going on around or inside of me.

What I did last night is pre-purchase a number of those little Bible study guides put out by NavPress, Charles Stanley, or Chuck Swindoll, so that I have an intentionally-selected system to use to study God's Word in new ways, particularly for those times when I'm not just bursting with ideas or an intense desire for Scripture.  I've found that this is particularly important for me overseas when I don't have as many options for conferences, women's retreats, etc.

Sex Life Slump
Now, every time I check out my SiteMeter, I am very aware that the articles I've written about intimacy are still the most-visited, most linked, and most popular posts here at Making Home.  :)

But of course, in our marriage, we still hit sickness, a crazy schedule, travel times, and general exhaustion from time to time, like anyone else.  It could be easy to cast this area of sex aside as one thing to remove from "the list" of necessary "to-do"s.  And I'll admit that lately I've not been as creative and fun in this area as I'd like to be.

However, it's such a central part of the marriage relationship that it would be a shame to let it fall to the wayside.  A few things that help me as a woman are to: (1) take time to really kiss my husband... not just a peck, but really look him in the eyes, and kiss him, every day.  (2) Freshen up!  Take a bath while he puts the kids down, or get a shower in during naptime.  Spontaneity is more easily achieved when you feel clean & relaxed.  (3) Just do it.  I don't mean to do it without enthusiasm or enjoyment... I mean, let yourself just go along for the ride.  Take time to enjoy the simple sensations and fun times together that happen when you are alone with your husband.  Just do it.

I've heard a number of women express the idea that sex is like exercise-- "I may not always feel like doing it beforehand, but I'm always glad to have done it."



What about you?  Have you been in, avoided, gotten out of, or even simply made it through, a "slump" in your life?  Please share in the comments!






Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

7 Quick Takes Friday - #28

This week's (random) "seven takes" on any topic under the sun:

1. I just need to say this, for the record.  I hate the end of the newer (2005) Pride & Prejudice, with Keira Knightly, where Mr. and Mrs. Darcy are out on their terrace talking about what endearments he's allowed to call her.  It's a cheesy, strange, modern add-on, and comes close to ruining the interesting cinematography of that particular interpretation of, and the general enjoyment of anything written by, Jane Austen.  I really can't stand it. 
2. Republican debates:
   ••• Boy, Perry has continued to bumble and fumble his way through his answers to even simple questions.  And the polls are showing his foibles.  Unless something significant changes, he'll need to bow out of the race before Christmas.
   ••• Romney is looking better and better in comparison, and I'm no Romney fan.
   ••• Course, Cain has a strong showing in the polls right now, but I think he may do like Bachman and Perry and be a flash in the pan, as voters haven't yet fully thought through the implications of having not only an income tax, but adding 10% to every purchase someone makes.  That's a lousy idea, and will give future lawmakers yet another place to hit us with higher taxes when it suits them.
   ••• I could be wrong, but Newt Gingrich seems to be in this to get a significant role as elder statesman in the Republican party.   I think he wants to be able to influence the debates, but not actually BE the President.
   ••• What has been interesting to me is to hear the Republican candidates espousing ideas and embracing positions that until recently, only Ron Paul was bold enough to hold.  
3. Fact is, Ron Paul has been trumpeting the problems of multiple wars, overtaxing, the growth of the federal government, and the need to understand and audit the Federal Reserve for decades. His political consistency and personal honesty have now won me over, and I grow more and more appreciative of the fact that I can count on him to give a real, thoughtful, non-pandering answer to the questions posed to him.  He does not shift his positions based on the group or person to whom he is speaking.  He's the kind of candidate that would have been elected 200, or 100, years ago, and he's the candidate we need today. 
4. I've been crafting up a storm lately.  Up until about 3 years ago, I would have reacted with an immediate refusal if someone had described me as "crafty", but it's time for me to just go ahead and embrace it.  I didn't used to be, and I don't do all kinds of crafty things (for example, I'm not a scrapbooker, and I don't make jewelry), but I love to crochet, embroider, make banners for our home; basically, I love the "fabric arts". 
5. Last week, I finished a crocheted baby blanket for my soon-to-be-born niece (I've never had a niece before!).  I used the same wave-like pattern I used for Moses' baby blanket (it's the first picture, with blues), added a minky-style bump border, and used a pale almond colored bamboo-silk (70/30) yarn.  The silk gives it a wonderful sheen, and turned out just right to match my niece's neutral-colored room.


6. And since then, I've been embroidering a bunting-style banner for my daughter's room.  I'm making all the triangles while here, and then I'll stitch them to a long fabric strip to hang once we get back overseas, in her room.  Pinterest (Here's a link to my Pinterest boards.) has been GREAT fuel for ideas to use as springboards. (Maranatha, our 5 year old daughter, has been watching me, and decided she wanted to embroider one as well.  It will be special to have her first embroidered piece hanging in her room.)
7. We've been traveling a lot over the last 3-4 weeks, and it's good to hunker down in and find that it's finally FALL.  The weather has been so pleasant-- long sleeve, open-window weather.  I love it!  Hope you're able to enjoy a great weekend!

You may want to take time to stop by Jennifer's blog and read more "Seven Quick Takes".

Sin and "Watershed Moments"

David Powlison is the lecturing professor of the counseling class I've been taking (via distance education), and one of the terms he uses that has been helpful for me in thinking about sin is identifying when "watershed moments" occur in our lives.  He uses the term to refer to times when our reactions, words, or attitudes (even in something small) act as markers that give indication of is really going on at a deeper level in our hearts.  Often, the same exact situation can produce entirely different reactions in two people... and these moments can give insight as to why we react the way we do.

Yesterday's "Watershed Moment"
Just this week, I went to my Weight Watchers meeting, weighed in (I'd gained .6 pounds, but was totally OK with that, because last week was our "birthiversary"-- my birthday and our anniversary over 2 days-- and I'd enjoyed cheesecake and not exercised much, so I was completely OK with the slight gain), and was pumped about starting a new week.  I'm really enjoying Weight Watchers (my mom and I are doing it together), and love the accountability and encouragement to stay motivated that happens at the meetings.

So this week, everything was coasting along nicely, and this lady who'd met her goal of losing 74 pounds got up to share her story.  At first she spoke about her inspiring journey, and it was very encouraging, but then she looked pointedly at me and said, "it's so good that those of you who only have 10 pounds to lose can get things under control before it becomes 70 pounds."

Now I realize that may not seem bad.

But to me, it was quite discouraging, as I came into Weight Watchers nearly 40 pounds over the MAXIMUM weight they say someone my height should be.  Not 10.  I have lost 13 pounds in the last 8 weeks, which is all fine and good, but I still have about 25 pounds to go.  I'm not, by any means, some skinny-winny.  To me, it felt like she had pointed at me and said, "aw, look at this naive little girl who doesn't understand the struggles of those of us who have REAL weight to lose."  My cheeks reddened, and I tried to subtly look around me to see if there was anyone else she could be talking to, but no.   She meant me, and kept staring at me for what seemed like minutes.


My Response (The "Fruit")
I left the meeting mildly perturbed.  As I went to shop for new tennis shoes, her words kept replaying in my mind and I felt more and more furious.  I was seething that someone would (in my mind) ridicule me and downplay the seriousness of my hard work and efforts to get back to a healthy weight.  "I still have 25 pounds to go!  What is she talking about, 10 pounds???", I thought.   I called my mom and she encouraged me that that had happened to her, too, the last time she did Weight Watchers... she & I carry weight differently than other people do-- we carry extra weight spread all over our body, rather than (for example) all in the hips-- so it looks different on us.  When I hung up with her, I felt mostly validated, yet still frustrated.

Getting To the Root
Before taking this class, I would have felt justified, and let the moment go as that lady's problem or lack of understanding.  But now, I'm more apt to dig deeper when I see an attitude like that in my life, and ask, "What is it that's really going on?"

And what's really going on, I think, is that I don't like to feel publicly humiliated.  I still vividly remember the girl on the school bus in junior high who loudly told me my chest was, "so flat it's like a bowl; it caves in", even though now, I am quite well endowed and completely content with my lot in that area.  My heart still pounds wildly when I remember the girl who threatened to beat me up after school and chased me home in her car.

I don't like feeling called out, particularly in front of other people.

So then, what do I do with that?  What do I do with feelings of shame & humiliation based on how I'm treated by other people?

What does God say?
Well, I have to go to Scripture and see what it says about embarrassment, humiliation... not much... but fear of man and shame?  Plenty.

"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe." ~Proverbs 29:25 

"Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!  Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in You." ~Psalm 25:20

"But the Lord GOD helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame." ~Isaiah 50:7

From this, I can counsel my own heart-- God helps me.  What people say is irrelevant because my confidence is in the LORD, not in myself.

Even more convicting,

"hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." ~Romans 5:5

 So, yes, I should hope in God, and then I can lay hold of God's love in my heart and have a response of love (1 Corinthians 13-style: bearing all things, enduring, being patient, not holding a record of wrongs) toward the woman who I wanted to slug, because I have the Holy Spirit.

And, for an eternal perspective, John wrote to the children of God,

"And now, little children, abide in Him, so that when He appears we may have confidence and not shrink from Him in shame at His coming."  ~1 John 2:28  

By abiding in Him, choosing love at times when I would rather abide in my frustration, and by relying on the Holy Spirit within me, I can avoid a more lasting and more significant "shame".  Momentary embarrassment in a meeting (which might have not really been noticed by anyone but me) is NOTHING compared to the shame I would feel in the presence of Jesus, at the memory of a continual mental haranguing of another human being when I ought to have relied on the Spirit and opted for love.

The next time I feel publicly humiliated and face a similar "watershed" moment, I hope I will recall these truths and put my reddened cheeks in a more whole, eternal perspective.

A Framework for Understanding Life
Putting the situation, and my behavior & reactions, in the light of the reality of Christ changes the whole notion of what is shameful.  I'm so thankful for a new way of looking at these "watershed" moments in my life and hope that by continuing to examine myself in this way, I will gain insight into the ways that I am not abiding in Christ, and be able to more heartily and fully live in Him.

Waterfall images: FreeDigitalPhotos.net Tom Curtis / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Helping Children Cope Well (with pain, doctors, dental visits, etc)

"Kids are born remarkably resilient in regard to pain.  Our response to pain is largely a learned behavior that we adopt as we grow older." ~Moses' doctor, just 3 days ago

Several months ago, I mentioned in a comment that we work to help our kids process and deal well with medical visits and physical pain, and another mom asked me to share about how we do that.  Hearing Moses' doctor make the comment I quoted above reminded and prompted me to write about this topic.

There are several things we do to try to proactively teach our kids how to deal with pain and/or medical visits:


(1) We talk about and react to pain realistically, and we teach our kids to do the same.  We do not UNDERstate how something will feel/hurt (i.e., we do not say: "your shots won't hurt a bit!"), and we do not OVERstate what has happened (i.e., "oh my GOODness, that must hurt SO bad", overempathizing, etc.).  Essentially, we are "matter-of-fact" about pain.  If a kid starts screaming over a minor pain, we use a calm voice, and say something like, "It looks like you took a tumble! Let's try not to scream.  Yes, there is blood, but it's only a scratch.  Let's go get it washed off; mommy will take care of you.  I'll get you a band-aid and some neosporin, and you'll be all set to go play more if you want to."  There may be times to ask questions to probe deeper into "what's hurting?", or when the injury itself merits a very serious response (we've had our share of those!), but in normal situations from children's play, or in routine doctor's visits, we do not emphasize or stress out about plain old pain.

And even when pain is very legitimately bad, we talk about it honestly and what the solution will be.  Silas has had stitches twice-- once when he was 2 and had his pinky finger smashed in a door (and the tip was hanging off), and once when he was 3 and had sliced a cut in his finger with a chef's knife.  Both times, this approach of giving real empathy while talking honestly about what would need to happen ("you'll have to get a shot", "you'll have to hold very still while the doctor uses a needle to fix your finger", etc.) enabled him to get the stitches in a very calm and surprisingly strong way.  And he is quite possibly our most emotional and dramatic son (our daughter surpasses him but also responds well to this approach).


(2) Set accurate expectations in advance.  

• If it's a dental visit, especially if it's their first one, or if the child is visibly nervous, I'll have them lay out on the couch and we'll go through the motions of what the visit will be like.  "There will be a bright light up above your head, they'll put a paper bib on you, and he'll ask you to open your mouth as big as you can.  Can you do that for me?  Then he'll take a funny-tasting paste and clean off your teeth and it will sound kind of like a soft hair dryer.  It will rattle a little bit and might tickle, but you need to hold as still as you can and keep your mouth open so he can do it and get done more quickly."  I'll even impersonate the dentist and show them how he'll sit, etc.  This same concept can be done with doctor's visits.
• Or, if they'll be getting shots, we tell them & talk about it in advance.  (Remember #1-- we don't do hysterics, so if they start to freak out, we help them calm down & then talk about what it will feel like, or share about the last time we parents got shots, and what it felt like.)  "Yes, I think you'll need to get 2 shots at this visit.  It'll hurt at first, but they'll give you a bandaid, and then it will be over with.  It might feel sore for a little while, but it will keep you from getting sick.  Would you rather get them in your arms or your thighs?"  (Because we live overseas, we all get a lot of shots.  All of us.  A lot.  Kids really can be good troopers about this.)
• Or, if we're going to have to wait for a long while, we'll bring a backpack and talk at home before we leave about how we'll probably be in a small room with other people and need to be quiet and have something to do.  

If we don't know what a procedure will be like, we ask enough questions or look things up on the internet in advance so that we can help our kids to anticipate what will happen and what they'll need to do.

(3) And of course, we listen to their concerns.  None of this that I've written should be taken to mean that we do not listen to genuine fears or worries.  We absolutely do!  If they're concerned about something, we want to talk it through with them.  But at some point, if there's an unavoidable visit, check-up, procedure or shot, after we talk it through, we wrap it up with realistic expectations, and end on a good note.  "Yes, we'll get shots, but then we can all come home and snuggle and watch Princess Bride."  Or, "I know it's frustrating to you that you have to deal with itchiness and red skin from eczema, and don't know anyone else who does.  I'm sorry; I wish you didn't have to mess with all that.  But I AM thankful for these creams that help keep it under control."  We just try to talk realistically about pain, and then look on the bright side of things. 

Our experience has been, and the doctor I quoted above seemed to support this idea, that kids tend to feed off of what their parents have taught them to do in stressful/new situations.  A melodramatic mother often breeds children who overstate their pain and are underprepared to deal with normal medical situations that could easily be anticipated & faced realistically, if they were just given the skills of how to do so.  Conversely, a calm, in-control mom and dad can teach their kids to deal well with pain or uncomfortable situations.  Of course shots will still hurt, or a skinned knee will still bring tears to the eyes, and some children will be more emotive than others, but they will be more measured in their response to pain if they know that they will be heard, and that their needs will be met by a loving and competent mom, or the doctor/dentist she trusts.

I should admit that it is somewhat instinctive for me to go into a kind of "stealth" mode when a medical crisis happens-- I typically become more efficient and calm during a crisis.  And I can't take credit for that initial response; maybe it's a personality thing, or maybe it's learned from my own parents.  So our initial response to a crisis might differ based on our personality & experiences, but my point here is that I think we can all work to help our kids cope well with regular medical situations that they encounter, despite our (or their) initial internal reaction.  

I hope these ideas are helpful to you as you think about teaching your kids about how to deal well with pain.  Thoughts/comments?  Do you have tips/experiences you'd like to share?

Inoculation image: Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Dentist image: koratmember / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

No Good Apart From God

The counseling class I'm taking has been so good for pressing us toward practical, specific application of Scripture in our lives.  This passage from Psalm 16 has been so encouraging to me as I press toward contentment when it would be easier to complain, or feel inferior to others for what they have and I don't--

I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You."

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot.  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance.

I have set the LORD always before me;

Therefore, my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  (Psalm 16: 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 11)

When I am not choosing joy and contentment, I am valuing other things above God, and above what He has sovereignly put in my life.  ***This is incorporating my recent struggles to be content; your situation may be entirely different.***   This is an exact opposite of what is written above, from Psalm 16. :

I proclaim to the world, "God is not my Lord & Master; I value other things, and want them, more than Him." 

Possessions and a beautiful house is what I will choose-- I want to pour my own cup;  I will clutch and manipulate my life to get maximum comfort, ease, and stylishness with my own hands rather than trust my life in God's hands.

I have set my own desires and my culture's standards of what is desirable always before me. 

Therefore, my heart is continually dissatisfied, and my whole being sulks.

I try to chart my own path of life without regard to what God says; outside of His presence I am empty and discontent; away from Him I find sorrow and discouragement.

Pretty convicting, isn't it, to see the exact opposite so clearly laid out?  It challenges me to think about which of these I will choose each day.



Image: nuchylee / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

7 Quick Takes Friday - #27

It's time for 7 Quick Takes.  Good things come in sevens, or so Jennifer would have us believe.  :)

1. Last weekend, we traveled to visit the family who took Doug in when he was in a difficult situation in high school.  His youth pastor offered Doug a place to live (at age 16/17) for several years, and he became a part of their family.  It is so good to reconnect with people who have invested their lives in us!
   
   - - - - - 
2. While there, we also visited with a (relatively) newer friend of mine, Emily.  This is a pic of our 2 families at a little pizza joint that surprised us all with pretty tasty pizza.  Last time I saw her was just 3 years ago, and she and Phil were engaged.  I was pregnant with Silas... so since seeing each other, we've had 4 kids between us.  We now have 7 kids in our 2 families.  She predicted that next time we get together, we'll have 11.  I'm just documenting it here-- she said it, not me... and thus, the impetus is on her, and not me, to fulfill that tall order, right? :)
   
   - - - - - 
3. This weekend is our 10-year college reunion.  It's been a wild and wonderful 10 years (really, for me it's been 10 & 1/2 since I graduated early).  More than ever, I am amazed at the adventures that God writes for our lives.  12 years ago, I could not have imagined the life I currently have.  He is good and writes different stories than we would write for ourselves, but it is so much better to have His will than our own.  As one of my favorite hymns says, "has thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been granted by what He ordaineth?"
   
   - - - - -
   
4. We recently visited a museum that has a special "touch room" just for kids, filled with large climbable statues of fairy tale characters.  Somehow, my husband got the rare, much-coveted picture: all five kids looking, smiling, and looking cute.  :)
   - - - - - 
5. Our return tickets are dated for January.  And now we're in October.  Our time here is wrapping up, but I'm actually getting a little excited.  Just like what I wrote in #3, I know that God has this great adventure He's writing for us.   I want to grow to be a wiser child of God who lives in the awareness that HE knows my needs better than I do.   I want to walk in contentment and peace on the road HE sets out for me... even if it wouldn't have been the one I'd written for myself.
   
   - - - - -
   
6. In the meantime, I'll enjoy backyards and bacon and root beer and family and good beef and Tex-Mex and speaking only English and bookstores and coupons and meet-ups with friends and amazing sales and being able to sing harmonies as loud as I want in corporate worship and Chick-Fil-A and not standing out in a crowd and holidays with relatives and continual opportunities for spiritual growth with other believers and, and, and... and I'll fight for contentment when those things are once again (mostly) out of reach.
   
   - - - - - 
7. I'm still loving Weight Watchers.  One thing I really love about it is that it's one thing I won't have to give up when we head back overseas.  Their online tool (e-tools) for tracking will still be fully available to me (yee-haw!), and so I can keep going with the program if I haven't reached my goal by the time I leave... and even if I have, I can keep up with the program in order to maintain.  I'm pumped about it.

So what's going on in your world?

Saved!

"Saved!"  -- The word conjures up a variety of images: money put back for a rainy day, a drowning person being pulled onto a life raft, a manager catching a significant error that would cost his company thousands of dollars.

To non-believers, the word can be mistaken to solely mean "rescued from Hell".  Being rescued, or saved, from Hell is indeed a wonderful thing, but as I read Sinclair Ferguson's thoughts today, I was reminded --that is really not the whole picture of this word "saved".

In his book, The Christian Life, Ferguson writes that the salvation of God affects believers, and saves us, in these ways:

• We are being saved from the distortion & disfiguring of sin.  Though we are sinners by nature, God's salvation makes us a new creation.  Over the course of our lives, God transforms us (sanctification) so that we look more and more like Jesus.  This does not mean that we achieve perfection, but that as we spend years abiding in Christ, our Potter shapes us and softens us to reflect the image of God.
• We are saved from the dominion of sin.  The Bible tells us we were once slaves to sin, but now we are slaves of Christ.  We like to use the word "servant", but really, the word "slave" is a more accurate translation.  As believers, we are bought with a price, and become Christ's bondservant.  And the beautiful irony is this: by becoming slaves, "we may live freely for God."  We are purchased from the darkness and enslaved to live in the light!
• We are saved from the power of Satan.  There is a real and present enemy, and he seeks to devour us like a lion seeks to consume his prey.  In Christ, we are freed from Satan's grasp, and while he still seeks to harm us, he cannot claim us as his own, because we belong to Christ alone.
• We are saved from the real, and terrifying, wrath of God.  In this present age, it is considered a social faux pas to talk about God's wrath, even in church.  Many people believe that the fact that "God is love" overrides his other character qualities.  But while our Father is loving, He is also just and righteous, and our sin deserves his wrath.  When we are hidden in Christ, our sin is also hidden in Christ.  His perfect nature transforms our unworthiness; His sacrifice covers us and makes us fit to enter the presence of God.  The people of Israel had an ever-present picture of God's holiness as only one priest, after ritual cleanings and sacrifices, could enter God's presence one time each year.  The opportunity to be in God's presence, and make requests of Him, was a rare-- and frightening-- proposition because of the reality of God's wrath.  Being in God's presence is only possible if God's wrath over sin has been satisfied by a perfect sacrifice-- which was done, once for all, in Christ.

I am so thankful for the way truth and doctrine ultimately lead to hope and confidence in God.  Being "saved" is such a beautiful truth-- not just a word, and not just salvation from some eternal destiny, but a current, present gift that affects every day of every believer in Christ!