ADVICE & ANSWERS: Christian Separation? Porn, Anger, Unbelief in Marriage

Wow, ladies, this is a difficult question brought to you from a woman in a very tough situation. Read her words carefully and, if you feel led, offer your wise counsel and biblical advice. She sounds desperate and needs truth, grace, and encouragement, as well as insight into how to handle these things biblically.

Jess,
I am writing for desperately needed advice. I just told my husband that I am filing for a legal separation. I am a Christian and I know what the bible speaks concerning divorce, so I can't make that choice at this time. I am really in need of objective advice from others. I've been married for 4 years. During those years I've isolated myself from close relationships because I've become depressed and do not want others to see the real issues in our home. I am seeking separation because I recently heard my husband, while out with co-workers, say he was looking for someone to sleep with! He was also making many comments about the bodies of the females who were around. I heard this because I called him on his cell and he did not really turn it off when he thought he did, so I heard his conversation until I finally hung up. He has also been watching porn and hanging with friends who see nothing wrong with it. I have also found an email that he sent to a co-worker asking her to start a relationship. He also set up a myspace page listing that he was single and got lots of private emails from females sending innappropriate pictures. He constantly goes to bars with friends and comes home in the wee hours of the morning. His money habits have gotten us both into debt with extremely low credit scores. He also says he's no longer attracted to me because I've gained weight (I went from a size 10 to a 14 and I am in the process of losing the extra pounds).

And the worst thing is he, about 6 months ago, announced he no longer believes that Jesus ever existed and that most of the bible is a lie. He is also rude, curses in front of me and our 2 year-old, smokes and drinks in the basement, has an anger problem where he curses me out loudly, and he's pushed me and/or threw things at me about 5 times. We've tried counseling - no change. I've also talked to my pastor, but he has never spoken to my husband about his behavior, so I feel hopeless about getting help from my "spiritual leader." And my in-laws act afraid to confront my husband even though they know about and say they hate what's going on. I hate to break up my family, but I can no longer stay in this type of marriage. I've only stayed this long because of my love for Jesus and my son. Please help!

OK, Making Home readers, what do you have to say to this woman?

46 comments:

dcrmom said...

Wow. This is a tough one. May I first say I'm so sorry for what this woman is suffering.

I feel like the "black and white" answer is to commit your life to prayer for him and his repentance, and then to be a godly wife through example and wait on the Lord to change him. Of course, there is no guarantee that God will do so. I know women in similar situations who have chosen to handle it in that manner.

But I feel like there is a gray area here. He is basically being unfaithful, and even the bible grants divorce in the situation of an unfaithful and unrepentant spouse.

The woman in me wants to tell you to flee, but I can't say with full confidence that this is the right thing to do.

My biggest concern would be for your 2-year-old. If you believe his behavior is hurting your child, on top of the obvious unfaithfulness, I have to believe you are not wrong to leave.

I'll be very interested to see what other readers have to say.

Britt said...

I've actually been where this woman is! And it's such a hard decision because I know she wants to do the right thing. I have a few thoughts on this...in a random order but I hope it helps :)

I'm a firm believer of what the Bible teaches about divorce. 1 Corinthians 7:10-17 says, "if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage...But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace." (This is what happened in my case...my ex was not a believer and left us...twice in fact...and the last time, I let him go).

On the other hand, the Bible says that divorce is okay if the spouse has committed adultery. In my opinion, her husband has already done this...by seeking out someone to be intimate with...by continually looking at porn. Matthew 19:9 says, "And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful." I think it applies to the husband as well.

Her husband is not loving her as he should: Ephesians 5:28-29 says, "In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it...” By physically staying in the abusive environment, she is teaching her child that it's okay to put up with that abusive behavior...and to treat others that way. As Christians, we are called to forgive, but not to be door mats (I did a post on this http://www.clarke-family.net/brittany/the-doormat-syndrome ) This is how we know what boundaries are healthy in relationships.

In short, I encourage her to file for separation (get herself and her child physically out of the abusive environment), get Christian counseling (separately since she is not responsible for her husband's actions, but for her own), and until her husband receives counseling and really changes (and means it...) she should stay separate from him...or after much prayer, divorce him (since he is committing adultery and being abusive).

I'll be praying for her!!!!!

Anonymous said...

This woman's husband is being abusive and unfaithful. She needs to leave him before further damage is done to herself or her child. She has more than enough biblical grounds for divorce.

I pray she finds the strength to do so.

-Rachel W.

Brenda said...

Absolutely...separate. Separate but do not divorce. And in the meantime, pray for her husband. Pray for his salvation and for his heart to change. Continue to raise the child for the Lord and teach the child to also pray for Daddy. But do not go back--b/c of the abuse listed--unless there is an obvious change in his heart.

Sweetpeas said...

The Bible says divorce is acceptable in the case of marital unfaithfulness, whether or not this man has "officially" cheated on her, he certainly is trying to, and is cheating on her in his heart. Therefore, divorce is Biblically sanctioned. Additionally, even though the Bible doesn't come right out & say divorce is acceptable in the case of abuse, I cannot fathom a loving God asking His daughter to stay in a situation, and keep her children (and God's children) in a situation that places them in danger.

And finally, if this woman has told her pastor everything she just told "us" and he chose to do nothing, quite frankly, I'd be looking for a new church home, or going to a higher authority in the church (I don't know what church she belongs to, if it's an independent church or part of a denomination) seeking advice, we should be able to go to our pastor for help and if he is unwilling to help a woman in this situation, I see a problem.

Anna S said...

As a Jew, I understand our perspective on divorce might be different than some of the readers', but I'll still say it because I feel it's very wise.

Marriage is a part of you. It's a part of you like your hand or your foot or your eye is a part of you. Would you ever consider parting with your hand or foot or eye? Only if it was so badly injured that not only there wouldn't be any hope for healing, but you'd know it's so infected that it will kill you if you don't cut it off.

If a marriage is truly destructive, I don't believe it's a sin to break off from it.

Jaime said...

This is a very difficult situation, and I do not think there is a very clear solution. I agree with the previous commenters - separation is a very good idea now, and she very much has Biblical grounds for divorce.

Good luck - you have a long road ahead of you, but continue to pray for strength and wisdom and you WILL survive.

Anonymous said...

Her best defence right now is in persuing a healthy intimate relationship with him herself right now.

I can HEAR the uproar now, but it's true. If his needs are met by her, he will not have the drive to find that elsewhere. Period.

Tracy said...

Pray. Long and Hard. I know that there is an allowance for divorce due to the unfaithfulness of the spouse, but who has NOT committed adultery if we look at it the way Jesus does?

IS he willing to live with her? Separation will mean that he is free to go his own way. Her presence may make him think twice before he acts.

If he wants out then that is his choice, but she would not be sinning by leaving him.

Also, while I believe that there is an allowance for divorce, I do not believe that there is an allowance for remarriage unless her first husband dies. Matthew 5:32. I know many will disagree, but that's how I see it.

Anonymous said...

Two things come to mind. One, his porn habit and obvious unfaithful behavior are indeed adultery and therefore grounds for a biblical divorce. Two, you have a responsibility to your son to protect him, even from his own father. Do not sacrifice your child on the alter of marital martyrdom. Do you have parents you could live with while raising your child? If so, flee to them. If reconciliation is truly your goal, by all means attempt it, but do not live with this man if he is dangerous/abusive. Allow two years for him to show he is committed to changing and being the husband and father he is called to be. If he doesn't make the changes (and can prove over time that he has indeed changed) then do not allow yourself to feel you have failed. Your decisions should be made with your son in mind, not your own ego.
My heart does go out to you and I am very sorry for what you are having to endure. I have been in a situation with an unfaithful husband who abandoned his faith and began placing nearly everything above his responsibility to his family. It is the hardest thing to do to leave, but for the sake of your son's safety, you must get distance physically from this man. You will be able to see more clearly when you are looking in from the outside. God will not forsake you.
- Jennifer

Martha A. said...

I do not believe that divorce is normally ever a good thing to do. But I think that in what this poor reader has stated, it would be wrong for her to just stay where she is.
If it was me, I would calmly and peacefully tell my husband " I love you, I want to be your wife, but when you are doing things like what you are doing, the consequences of that are that I cannot live with you. When you are ready to stop this behavior we can live together again" She will need to have a plan in place, whether it is that his bags are packed and he has to go somewhere or she needs to. I would have someone there, a pastor and his wife or someone she trusts there with her when she says this.
If you do not help your husband in this, who will? If you ignore it and let it go on, who else is going to love him enough to stop his destructive behavior? Porn is not harmless and often it leads to crimes which the state will not turn a blind eye to. Also if he abuses you, eventually it can progress to more and more and even endanger your child which could lead to state involvement which you would not want.
I would not divorce him, but I would file something so he has to pay child support and pray for him everyday to repent and come back a changed man.
Many people think like the above poster that if you will sleep with him more he will change, often that is not the case, because after awhile of looking at perversions, normal things do not satisfy, where even the act itself can no longer be what he wants. It is a heart issue.

nadine said...

Very sorry for this poor woman's situation. I have to try hard to "bite my tongue" and reserve my anger toward her husband. But I do believe that she is doing the right thing in filing for the separation.

Please stay close to the LORD and think of what is best for your son.

It sounds as though the husband has made up his mind....

This is just so sad...what is going on with some men these days??? :-(

Anonymous said...

I really don't want to be contentious, but I'm surprised that there is so little voice for reconciliation as the primary goal.I can't say my situation was the same, but there are many, many overlapping areas. My husband did not deny Jesus or the Bible, but for all practical purposes, he might as well have. In fact, for years I wished he would because while our marriage was falling apart, he was in full time vocational ministry. I just want to say enough about my situation to earn a hearing with this dear woman who is hurting so badly. From a few months into my marriage, my husband's anger issues turned into violence against me. At one point it became necessary for me to initiate separation for my own physical safety (About two years into our marriage). This was incredibly difficult as we were half way around the world serving as missionaries, and EVERYONE was telling me to leave him. The logistics were a nightmare. That said, I had no intention of seeking divorce or using separation as some sort of acceptable christianized version of divorce either. I'm afraid it's too easy to obey the letter of the law on this issue. It is SO easy to say separate, you're being abused, you've been wronged, etc., etc. But I don't believe we can be faithful to God's view of covenant relationship and be so quick to recommend the one thing that will most likely sabotage all hope of reconciliation...which is the wife doing her part, above and beyond, over and over in spite of being grossly sinned against. The pornography and relationships with other women (via internet, phone, etc.) did not start in my marriage until we got to seminary (!)(We'd been married about 7 years by then). I remember telling a friend how I would rather be hit than to be so cheapened by his debase actions. The pain involved here is horrendous....but it's a fallen world and God IS sovereign...we as wives still have to obey. Still love (of the 1 Cor 13 variety), still serve, still submit. I raised the standard for myself 2 notches for every notch he lowered his. While I did some things to practically affect his behavior (the elders of our church were involved in this, at one point, for example), 99% of my effort was spent on me. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I hated being hated, but I so was. I would say though, to this wife, that just like you are responsible for your actions, he is responsible for his...and he is not your fault. That said, woo him. Love him. Go ahead and lose the weight, why not? Answer right when he answers wrong. Don't respond to attack. Bless when you are cursed. Two books that gave me a more focused vision for my goals were Ed Wheat and Gloria Perkin's "Love Life for Every Marriage," particularly the chapter called "How to Save Your Marriage by Yourself" (separation is the single worse thing you could do) and Debi Pearl's "Created to Be His Helpmeet"....I rarely recommend this book because I have some concerns with what I perceive to be the Pearl's lack of humility in giving counsel....that said, what this woman needs now is the bar raised without any pop-psychology comforts, and Mrs. Pearl's book will do that. (Disclaimer...I find the principles they use to discuss domestic violence very scriptural, but the application insufficient. Just because most abused wives stay in the marriage, doesn't mean a Christian giving broad sweeping advice needs to overlook giving guidelines for when/how/for how long to leave. Martha Peace's, "The Excellent Wife" does a better job there.) While I'm mentioning resources, I'd also encourage a look at John Piper's take on divorce, available at desiringGod.com I don't even agree with him completely, but we all need to be reminded that the Bible's instructions about divorce are NOT as cut and dried as: "he's committed adultery; you can divorce him." One more thing: it is true that the wife can do everything right, and still lose her marriage...but she has to try! This Saturday, I celebrate 12 years marriage to my husband. Our third child is due any day now. Even though "things" were better (no violence, no pornography) for the last two years, it's only been in the last 6 months that God has really restored our ability to be in love with each other. I hardly even hoped for that before. It seemed impossible. But, with God nothing is impossible. Ladies, we have to be like Abraham, who "considered" all the reasons he couldn't really be the father of many nations, BUT "didn't let that weaken his faith." (Romans 4). God has not promised this wife a restored marriage, but He has promised her the strength to obey Him in the midst of it, and that is also her best opportunity to save her marriage. I know because God did that for me, and I give Him all the glory.
--Jacqueline

Kim said...

I am not in any place to offer advice on such a serious issue, except to say that this woman's first concern needs to be for the safety of her child and herself - if her husband is being physically abusive (which it sounds like he is, and I imagine she's underexaggerating) she has no obligation to expose herself or her child to such a situation. Safety first, and then she needs to seek the counsel of a pastor or Christian family counselor who can help her make the right decisions for her family.

If it was simply an issue of faithfulness, I'd say to stay put and pray. But he's being dangerous. That's not anything that she needs to stay for.

Keri said...

"I cannot fathom a loving God asking His daughter to stay in a situation, and keep her children (and God's children) in a situation that places them in danger."

What about Esther? Abigail?

I am unsure any complete and wise advice can be given here, given that this woman has only given her side of the story, and as woeful as it sounds, I do wonder how woeful her husband's side would be. This sort of forum tends to bring out the mama bears (who want to save every woman from any and every hardship in any marriage....which means pretty much every marriage) and also the holy martyr women (who want to see women go to their graves before escaping from certain death at the hands of their "master" husbands).

Is it wrong to persevere through wrong suffering? To continue to hope in God, trust in God, pray for your husband? For if there is no violence nor life-or-death situation, from what do we run? Cursing? Porn? Debt? Anger? If he is committing a crime (like child porn or domestic violence), for the good of your and you child's physical safety--REPORT HIM. Jail may be the knock on the head he needs and could save him. In God's eyes, he is worth saving.

Bang on your pastor's door. DAILY. If he doesn't respond, find another. DAILY. Talk to the elders, talk to the deacons, talk to whomever you can find and ask for real help. You are not alone in this, Jesus as you already know is there walking the path of suffering with you, and He already knows your pain.

In the meantime, what would happen if you had a hot cheerful pot of coffee waiting for him at 3am? Wouldn't it be fun to mess with his head?

Please find help, and do not give up.

Keri

Jessica said...

I strongly disagree with the poster who said,
"Her best defence (sic) right now is in persuing (sic) a healthy intimate relationship with him herself right now.

I can HEAR the uproar now, but it's true. If his needs are met by her, he will not have the drive to find that elsewhere. Period."

Sin is sin. We are only able to determine our own actions and responses. This lady cannot do anything to determine how her husband is going to act. Yes, pursuing a healthy intimate relationship with her husband will be a vital part to restoring the marriage, but it will not deal with the sin in his heart. What about his abuse, drinking habits, spending habits, cursing, denial of Christ, etc. Again, it is because of the condition of his heart, not because of anything his wife did or did not do.
Let me put it this way, I sin against God everyday. Does that mean he is not meeting my needs? No! God meets and exceeds all of my needs everyday and yet I still continue to sin against him. It is because of my selfish heart that is pursuing my will, not the holy will of God.

I really lack any advice for the lady, though my heart grieves for her. I cannot imagine her hurt and pray that she will remember that she is a treasured creation of the Creator!

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry to read of this woman's plight. Her husband has already expressed more than enough desire to be free of their marriage, he is physically harming her, & his blatant disrespect of her would no doubt affect their little boy's behavior later on. She needs to proceed with the separation as soon as possible.

I know there are some who say she should stay in the marriage, pray for him, etc. Yes, of course, pray for him. Don't stop praying for him. But she needn't leave herself vulnerable to abuse, give her body to him after he has found someone to hook up with (disease, anyone?), & generally abase herself in order to "save" her marriage. This man has severe problems, & it's not about the fact that the woman has increased two dress sizes!

To repeat, I'd advise her to leave.

sincerely, Brenda

Kym's Husband said...

When my wife read this to me it broke my heart, and it kept breaking my heart each time I read it. I'm not sure that I can offer much that the other posters haven't already offered. I work in the military, and often see others in the same kinds of situation you are in from both perspectives. It is easy for a man to stumble when it comes to sexuality, profanity, alcohol abuse, and smoking as they are all seen as being "manly," hence men's nights out involving smoking, drinking, swearing, and a lot of false male bravado. It doesn't sound to me like your husband's activities have been limited to just this. I am very concerned with the drinking in addition to the escalation of the verbal abuse into physical abuse (pushing and throwing things). When he loses control it won't be hard for him to take it too far and either hospitalize you or kill you. If your situation gets any further out of hand, and something happens to you, you won't have to worry about breaking up your family, he will do it for you. I understand that your situation contradicts so many different facets of Christian faith. My assurance to you is that we are broken people in a broken world. Divorce happens so often in our society against our doctrine and for so trivial reasons, that when a situation arises where it is necessary for one spouse to remove themselves and their children from the other spouse, they are left questioning themselves and whether or not they did the right thing. As Christians, we are called to sacrifice our personal safety and possibly our lives in the name of our faith, but martyring yourself in the name of trying to preserve a fractured marriage is not in anyone's best interest. True, we will all be held accountable for our actions. If you legally separate and stay chaste and pray for your husband, there will be no transgression for you to account for. If it comes down to a case of his infidelity, then that is something that he will be accountable for, but will allow you a biblically legal basis for divorce. I commend you in your efforts to fix things, but a marriage is a partnership that both parties are responsible to maintain. Anna S. said that a marriage should be like a part of you, a part of your body, but it sounds to me like "the arm fell off on its own," and it will require some extensive surgical procedures to re-attach it, with no guarantee that the arm will stay attached. I encourage you to use every resource available to you to reconcile your marriage, but your safety and that of your child should be the first priority. You will be in our prayers.

Blessings,
Sean

Anonymous said...

I have been where this women is. My husband had an "emotional" affair with a women at work and it was only a matter of days before they would have jumped in the sack together. But I blatantly asked him one night if they had a "thing". He said no. But a couple days later he finally admitted it. His reason? I never wanted to "be with him" and I was anything but pleasant to live with. I was crushed and angry and humiliated and every other thing you can imagine. I was completely justified in leaving as his heart was hard towards me and soft towards this other women. But thank God that I felt the desire to stay and fight! I took a good long, hard look at myself and realized that even I didn't want to live with me! I was always nagging him, and putting him down. I never just enjoyed his company and I had no respect for him whatsoever (something wives are commanded to give their husbands) and honor or obey him? Not a chance! So needless to say, I was no peach!

I committed to change and he agreed to give it a second chance. It was not easy and honestly I don't think either of us really loved the other. Eventually someone handed me the book Created to be His Help Meet and after the initial dislike for what this book was saying, I began to realize this way was not only what God wanted from me as a wife, but the only way to truly restore my marriage. So I began to change my actions towards him. Starting with NEVER SAYING NO TO S-X. I know, a lot of people here don't agree, but it was one of the biggest salvations for my marriage.(remember, we are not to hold ourselves back from one another and your body belongs to him and his to you. This is obviously an important issue because God has made it very clear that we are NOT to say no) He is no longer tempted by what the floozies have to offer because he is all satisfied! The second thing I changed was to respect him. When he said something, I listened. When he made a request, I jumped to do it- and always with a smile. I NEVER nagged him. And I NEVER pointed out his flaws in what he did or said. I made him feel like a king. And because of it, he made me feel like a queen. Now I KNOW that he loves me and he KNOWS that I respect him. I am so glad that I went through the pain and humiliation of staying, its so much better on this side of things!

Like I said, I was justified in leaving and so is this lady. But even if you just separated from him for a time, that will give him motive and opportunity to actually sleep with someone as opposed to just talkin about it. IMO, it is much easier to overcome the pain from a DESIRED affair than to overcome the pain from an ACTUAL affair. He is obviously not happy at home and I highly doubt that having her leave will really give him a dose of reality. I think it would just give him the out he is looking for. And then once he does sleep with that other woman (or women), with you out of the picture, it will be so easy for her to get her hooks in him deep. And then he won't be coming back at all. So please, stay and fight for your man! He is worth it, you are worth it and your children are worth it.

I would challenge you to try for one week to completely submit to your husband. You know what he likes and wants. Smile every time you see him, let him overhear you bragging to the kids about how hard he works or how good he is at such and such. Make sure that every meal you cook is something he loves. Ask him to do something that he enjoys doing with you, like a game or watching his favorite movie. Flirt with him and let him know you want him. Tell him he is attractive and compliment him everyday. Find every possible way to please, honor and respect him and then see what living with him is like at the end of the week. Or even month. You can always leave later, but you can never take it back. And make sure you look your best. You are trying to win his heart back. You did it once and you can do it again. I'll pray for you and hope that you are able to reconcile this soon.

Amy

Lady Eileen of Willow Cottage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lady Eileen of Willow Cottage said...

I agree with Amy. A week is a short time to try and turn things around for the last time as opposed to a permanent divorce but I think it is a sacrifice worth making to try and salvage a marriage.

If after said time of trying 100% of the things Amy has noted there is still no change in him or if counseling doesn't work then I'm not sure what else can be done. Sometimes people don't change because they want to lead a different kind of life and that is unfortunate but that is a fact of life. Not everyone walks the straight and narrow path which means sometimes you have to make the tough decision of moving on.

I pray that you find the courage to give it one last try and pray that you and your son find the happiness that you deserve and I pray that your husband who is lost at this time finds his way back to the Lord and to his family who needs him so.

Mrs. Sewell (Professional Wife and SAHM) said...

WOW! Lots of great comments already, I hope that I can add to them and encourage this young woman during this trial that has been set before her.

My husband and I talked about this as he has experience and has been divorced once before. He divorced do to continued unfaithfulness and his ex-wife decided that there is no God and refused to work the marriage out.

I asked my husband and we talked about it for awhile. He sited the same verses that Brit did at the top of the comments.

The Bible tells us that if we look at someone in lust than we have committed adultery in our hearts already and that is like actually doing the act. My husband said what is worse is your husband is "actively" seeking to be unfaithful, so he says that is grounds for a divorce if you chose to go that route.

Also, if your husband is unwilling to change and unwilling to live with you, then you are to let him go.

Even though biblically speaking you do have grounds for divorce, your heart is torn, and I can understand that. My husband and I will certainly be praying for you and your family. The only thing that will change your husband's heart is Divine Intervention, and that would be the optimal most perfect outcome of all of this.

I am always saddened to hear when someone denies the Faith, and that is really the bigger issue as your husband's soul is in danger. I would say that number one thing for you to do is forgive him as we are commanded to, and then to pray fervently that the Lord would get a hold of his heart and change it, doing whatever it takes.

We will be praying for you and that the Lord's will is done in this situation to where He is Glorified!

God Bless
Crystal <>< (SAHM)

Hannah said...

Having grown up in an environment similar to this woman's, I would strongly encourage her to separate from her husband with prayer and hopes that God can turn his heart back to his family. The damage done to a child in that environment is terrible.
Have you read the book Love Must be Tough by Dr. Dobson? I would highly recommend it as he speaks directly to this kind of situation.

bastles said...

Sorry but I think what Amy wrote is wrong. Like it is somehow some issue in this wife's life that "makes her husband behave like he does"

Like if only she acts right, then he will too.

Been there done that, still suffering. You can flirt with your husband, accept s*x whenever it is forced on you, never contradict him when he contradicts reason and scripture and common sense; and that will NOT change you husband.

Only God's grace will change him.

For the dear woman in this situation, flee to safety; physical (and medical - who wants to catch AIDS cos your husband slept around) and spiritual.

You do well to not divorce him, I believe scripture allows it.

Maybe a time of separation will bring him to his senses (but sadly after many years of watching human beings, unless God intervenes miraculously, I very much doubt it)

Flee the very appearance of evil; even in your bedroom.

We are not called to slavery but to freedom in Christ; and frankly people who suggest flirting with a serial adulterer and offering s*x at every moment and acclaiming his every false and vile and stupid word ???? I am at a complete loss to see where you can find a scriptural example.

I agree, the Pearls and maybe others have written this "advice". But go by the Bible. I see no such advice.

I don't see Abigail commending the behavior of Nabal; quite the contrary, I see her out there trying to fix it.

Get things fixed, dear friend, and you are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Bastles,

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are more concerned with speaking out of heartache and distress than by going with sound, Scriptural reasoning.

Amy's advice is 100% Biblical.

To question if the Pearls' advice is Biblical makes me want to ask if you have read the Bible. Not wanting to be rude at all- but seriously, the advice in this book comes 100% straight out of Scripture!

I'm not saying that the writings of the Pearls' should be exalted to Biblical status, but in a case like this, Created to be His Help Meet is strictly Scripture outline the duties of wives in relation to how God created them to function.

You can disagree with the Pearls' all you want, but I advice against disagreeing with God.

- Milo the Bean (milothebean@hotmail.com)

Janel said...

My heart goes out to this gal. It is a nasty situation to be in.

We just went through something similar at our church. A man cheated, physically, on his wife for 10 years with many women. The wife stood, believed God would reconcile them, prayed, hoped, waited, got on with her life and a year after he went wild for another (very troubled) lady at our church and moved out for Other Lady, husband and wife are back together and reconciled. Is their relationship perfect? No, but it is a tribute of what God can do and continues to do when we stand firm in faith.

I just want to bring this up to remind everyone when they write… We can offer counsel until we're blue in the face, but frankly, we don't have any idea of the dynamic of what's really going on between this husband and wife. I learned that first hand in the last 18 months. Yes, there are biblical principles that come into play, but we don't have any idea what started this mess. Men with great lives and a solid Christian walk don't wake up one morning and decide to opt in to adultery and alcohol and ditch Christ. SOMETHING HAPPENED! What happened? When? What was the wife's role in it, if any? When you honestly answer these questions and start piecing things together, I think it will point you towards the solution. Then you can seek forgiveness and start healing wounds. It won't be easy for sure, but it's a place to start with prayers for wisdom.

Although I believe the wife probably has grounds for divorce because of adultery, I agree with the commenter that said what about reconciliation first? Divorce always causes more problems than it fixes, especially with children involved – God knew it and made it very clear that he HATES divorce. It is his will that two become one and stay that way for the rest of their lives. God understands human nature and sin and all that, but divorce will never be his first choice for this type of situation. God doesn't ask us to do more than he has already done. He himself endured the adultery of Israel for hundreds of years before he finally divorced her to save his own reputation. Will it be easy? Absolutely not. Will he provide grace if we cling? Definitely! If anyone goes for divorce, let it be Hubby in his unbelief.

I strongly advise you to FAST and pray like your life depends on it. If all you say is as you present it, it does depend on it. Pray Psalm 91 for protection from harm, STDs and the like. Pray that you would have a strong peace if God wants you to remove yourself from the situation or to stay. I’m talking honest to goodness peace, not some anxiety driven “this is what I should do” type thing, but a consistent peace during many prayer times that leaving is best. Pray for forgiveness for any wrongs you've done and pray that God open your eyes IF there is anything you should do. Hubby’s sins are his sins and you are NOT responsible for them, like the others have already said. But if only 5% of the trouble you are facing is of your own making, you are 100% responsible for your 5% of the problem. Pray for protection and ask for wisdom and understanding to work on fixing your 5% and anything else you can or should do.

I ditto Martha Peace’s book “The Excellent Wife.” She deals with the issue of abuse in a very practical and biblical way. I think there is a whole chapter on it. I can’t recommend it enough. I also echo the sentiments that if your pastor and elders won’t help, go elsewhere and seek help!

I hope I don’t come across as harsh. It’s meant to be more matter of fact, this is what I would do & have done in other situations. It’s not easy stuff to write – considering you don’t know me or my story – because it’s not a quick fix and it will be hard. It will be painful some day. But it’s stuff like this that grows our faith and love for God. I’ll be praying for your protection and that you have wisdom, understanding and reconciliation. To God be the glory!

Anonymous said...

I have been in your shoes, and only since truely coming to God, been able to understand what my course of action should have been, but God blessed me non-the-less.

Yes, you have biblical grounds for divorce, but what standard are you setting? when the going gets tough the tough get going?

I am not saying stay and be abused and let your child be party to it, I would say, live apart from the abusive situation, but close. Keep your child away from the parts that will cause damage, but still be a wife.

The first 5 years of any marriage are usually the hardest, with a two year old it is hard to cope sometimes.

I will not make an excuse for the guy, but he may see his actions as an easy out, a way to make you leave so he does not have to face his responsibility.

I would say live apart, but be a wife, an example of Proverbs 31 to the man. Stand out, yes and even lose the weight he doesn't like, try to put more effort into looking your best when you see him. Find the common ground you lost. You married him because of some reason, find it again, find what you lost too. Try not to engage in arguments over little things such as "socks left in a dryer". Pray every day for him and you and your family. Pray with your child too.

Find the loving support of those around you to help create a pray team for your family. Don't give up on your marriage, God can fix it.

Only leave and let go when God tells you it is time. it will be painful, it will be difficult to balance the role you should play, with the role you want to play. It will be hard on your kid, and therefore harder on you, but you must persevere until God says enough or blesses you for your obedience to His word.

You divorce now and he wins. "in sickness and health...in good times and bad..." Many women have survived abuse, alcoholism, cheating, porn and other more heinous things, but still have a beautifully crafted marriage. You don't get a diamond without fire and pressure.

I wish you the best, i will pray for you and that you receive God's direction. His is the most important advice of all.

Sealjoy

Persuaded said...

Oh, my, these types of things weary me so very much..... Certainly not this poor sister's plea for help, my heart goes out to her.

But there is so much misunderstanding about porn and even adultery in marriage. So much of the time the blame is put on the woman...that she is being withholding or cold and that is what is driving the man to act out in this way. Well, the truth of the matter is that most of the time when porn is involved the man desires little actual intimacy. In fact one of the most common situations is a woman who is desperate for it, but a man who has no desire. Many men even lose the ability to complete the physical act after years of programming themselves to respond to pictures and fantasy. They will overtly reject initiation by the wife. It is a demoralizing and dehumanizing place to be as a woman. To tell a woman in this situation to "just say yes" is like rubbing salt on a raw and oozing wound (sorry to be so graphic!)

I have expressed my views on "created to be his helpmeet" before, but I'll elaborate a bit more. Honestly, I do feel that most of what she advises is scriptural. I do think that we should be willing to lay ourselves down, submit ourselves to our husbands and especially to Jesus. I have no problem with the concrete specifics of most of what she is advising. I do however, have a huge problem with how it is presented... as a formula: "Do XYZ and your dh will be compelled to respond in the appropriate manner." Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. We do what God says, we submit and love and forgive, not so our dh will change, or so our marriage will be healed, but just because God says so. End of story. Because, you know what? A lot of the time we can do everything right, and everything can still go wrong.

That's why we need God.

Charley said...

What a painful situation! From the description, my heart aches for this woman and her family.

So what to do? I like what Janel said above...especially the point that we as commentators have only a minuscule part of the whole picture.

First, like others have said, please consider your own role in the whole thing. YOU are the only person YOU can change and are the only person whose outlook and attitude YOU can affect. Has there been a withholding of affection? Has there been a controlling attitude? Has there been a tearing down of his role as husband/father/head of home? I don't know, nor do I want to heap guilt upon this woman...but these are questions that she needs to address and fix if the answers are "yes."

Do I accept the husband's actions? Absolutely NOT! What he has done only shows that his "conversion" was false and that he never was actually known by the Father through the Son. He is now acting like the pagan he is.

So what to do? I've seen divorce mentioned as a viable alternative in many of the comments. May I suggest that it isn't. First go listen to John Piper's sermons (June 24 and July 1 of 2007) HERE before you make any decisions. He convincingly argues for divorce NEVER being an option for a Christian. Note carefully though, that he does NOT say separation is not an option! Consider that divorce frees the offending spouse from his obligations and allows him to move on with his life, leaving the non-offending spouse as so much roadkill in his wake. If instead, you separate so that his temper, attitude, and violence is not a danger to you and to your children, he is still obligated to you and not free to move on to hurt someone else. In the mean time, do your best to be the woman Peter describes who wins over her husband with her Godly demeanor and behavior.

And above all...pray, seek God and don't let go. While I started the comment with an admonition about what YOU could do, God is certainly capable of changing any heart of stone into a heart of flesh. Grab onto Him, plead with Him, shed your tears before Him...and don't stop until He moves!!! His grace is sufficient for you in the meantime.

Charley
HomeDiscipling Dad Blog

Anonymous said...

Wow~ I am praying that God will reveal His love to you in a real way!
My husband struggles with porn. He also has clinical depression. They often go hand in hand. It almost sounds like your husband might be depressed or bipolar,as well (I am not properly qualified to give this diagnosis, just very personally experienced with it...). Would he be willing to be seen by a good psychiatrist? We finally found a good one after 6 years of looking and struggling. The right meds means a world of difference.

Also, it sounds like there is some spiritual warefare going on here. I urge you to pray OUTLOUD all the time (just not in spite in front of husband --pray silently around him). Read scripture outloud. Pray around the computer. Especially, pray with and for your son, for his protection from what he is absorbing with all the tension.

When I was so hurt with my husband's porn viewing, it was so hard to be the "perfect" wife. I hated him. Besides prayer, the book, 'The Power of a Praying Wife' by Stormie O'Martin really increased my compassion for him.

I pray that God gives you wisdom and peace.

Ariel said...

To Anna S:
I think that your example of a wounded hand or foot is a great example regarding divorce. My only comment is that doctors will remove entire limbs if that limb is so infected it risks infecting the entire body thereby killing the patient.

I would most definitely separate from this man until but continue to pray that he will be healed from his infection.
God Bless
AG

Anonymous said...

Note to Jess--this poor woman's letter reminds me of the one from a few months back, about S and T (I believe that S was the wife who was having trouble reconciling with her husband T, who found God after years of adultery, drinking, etc.). Your readers came down pretty hard on S for not trusting her husband's rapid conversion.

I wonder what happened to that. I felt bad for S. It's easy for other people to tell her she has to forgive and start over, but will they be there to pick up the pieces if T falls off the wagon or has another affair?

I hope the reader who submitted this question gets herself and her son far enough away from her husband to be safe. The people who think she can solve his problems by being intimate with him more often amaze me.

Laurie B

sonia said...

Leave him! I stayed with in an abusive marriage for 11 years. The advise I received from my
"Sister's in Christ" was, God hates divorce, pray, fast, your children will suffer,blah, blah, blah...Staying in an abusive marriage lead to deep depression, taking anti-depressents and loosing the joy of the Lord, which eventually lead to thoughts of suicide. I finally realized I had to make the decision to leave this crazy man and completely trust that my God had a better plan for me and my three children. I was a stay home mom of three children ages 12,9,5. I left him 5 years ago! Happiest day of my life..well next to having my babies. My God has been faithful! He said, "He would never leave me for forsake me. I've had some hard financial times,but our basic needs have always been met. I have absolutely no regrets! Not one! My children are doing well. I would encourage prayer and support for women in unhealthy abusive relationships, not scripture thrown in their face.
Beleive me, we have those verses memorized...we don't need a reminder of what God thinks about divorce.

Sonia

sonia said...

Amen and Amen to Jessica & Bastle!

Free in Christ,
Sonia

Stacy McDonald said...

Hi Ladies,

I haven't read all the comments here, but I wanted to say that Persuaded was "right on" when she said we are to "Do what God says, we submit and love and forgive, not so our dh will change, or so our marriage will be healed, but just because God says so. End of story. Because, you know what? A lot of the time we can do everything right, and everything can still go wrong."

It's true that we don't know all the facts in this situation. The first thing that should happen is for this precious woman to go to her pastor for counsel. Don't go through this alone. She needs "real people" in a real church to view all the facts and give her more "complete" counsel.

However, if her husband is in fact an unrepentant adulterer, she has every biblical reason to divorce him and move on with her life. Someone mentioned that she should divorce him and remain unmarried, but this is unbiblical advice. She is free to remarry in this situation. God does not leave the victim of adulterous abuse in bondage - he sets her free and heals her.

I found the comments by Persuaded very interesting and her points about pornography were very much in line with my theory as well. In fact, I'm in the midst of a poll on my blog that I would invite you all to vote on: http://yoursacredcalling.blogspot.com/2008/01/intimacy-in-marriage-new-poll.html

Rebecca said...

Well, Jess, there are alot of comments here and I'm waiting to see what you have to say. :)

I have only one small thing: while I don't advocate divorce, or even separation, IF this wife does decide to separate from her husband she might improve her chances of restoration by going to her in-laws for support, rather than going to her own parents.

Jess said...

Rebecca,
:) I've been sitting this one out (we've been away from home for 2 weeks now and I've been spending VERY little time on the computer).

I will say that any advice to "leave" is somewhat reckless and irresponsible in a forum such as this. We can't know the situation this woman is in in its entirety, and divorce is NEVER a desirable option. There are RARE instances where it could be the best of many terrible options, but it's never desirable or optimal. It is against God's plan. It is bad for both the man and woman involved. It is devastating for children involved. It wrecks communities. We are wrong when we take a casual approach to divorce.

That said, I agree that, particularly in cases where abuse exists, separation can be beneficial- although, the wife needs to go into such an arrangement knowing that her leaving may actually fuel the "justification" her husband feels (I'm not saying it's right- I'm just saying it could happen) in seeking to have a physical affair. When the wife is no longer present in the home, there is an opportunity for the devil to gain an even greater stronghold (see 1 Cor 7 about what happens when intimacy is forsaken).

What I would suggest is bringing in wise counselors into your life. Seek counsel from a pastor who is experienced in handling this sort of thing (this doesn't sound like your pastor). Ask a trusted older woman for advice and prayer.

And pray, pray, pray for your husband. Not just for his purity and faithfulness (although I would certainly pray for that)... but for his soul. Pray that he will heed God's claim on his life. Pray that he will submit himself to God's rich plans for marriage and life.

I would suggest, difficult though it may be, that even if you decide to have a separation for a time (and I would certainly look at it as that-- remaining faithful to him in body, mind, and heart)... that you commit to serving him and helping him as you can. Support him, love him, and choose to do good towards him despite his actions towards you.

This is love... choosing to continue showing forgiveness and goodness towards another person. Read 1 Cor. 13 and see what God has to say about love. Love is not a feeling. And it is not based on proper treatment or love being given. Love is action-- it is continually choosing to do good towards another person regardless of their actions towards you. Choose to act in love and sacrifice towards him and be above reproach. Do all that is within your power to keep your marriage from falling apart, while protecting your child.

Finally, I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Porn and adultery are, sadly, all too common in our over-sexed society, even in the most "churched" communities. But NOTHING is impossible with God. NOTHING! He is the healer of bodies and the healer of souls. He is the restorer of broken and hurting hearts. And He has done great things in marriages all over the world. Look to Him, cry out to Him, and let this be an opportunity to identify with Christ in His sufferings... that though He laid down His life for a sinful people, many still actively reject Him every day and fall back into sin that breaks His heart and ruins their souls. It may sound so basic or foundational, but when we look to the cross, we will not find ourselves without compassion or sympathy. In HIM we have full understanding of our deepest longings, hurts, rejection, and pain. Trust Him with your deepest feelings-- He can handle them and do more in your life and marriage than you can ask, think, or imagine.

Trusting Him to do it,
Jess

Mrs. Meg Logan said...

I can agree that this is a woman who has biblical grounds for divorce.

But I must encourage you toward deep prayer, to determine if the Lord would have you leave or not. He IS able to save, and able to use you to do it. IF you can lovingly forgive your unfaithful husband, I would encourage you to do so, time and time again, in the manner of a true Christian. Because the unsaved husband can be won over by the Christian woman's chaste conversation. When you exhibit true forgiveness, and serve him as Christ serves us, you shame him, and heap coals upon his head. You ALSO display the true Christ to him, and if it were possible you will win him over.

I make no claim that this road would be easy. NO, infact it would be terribly difficult, and mostly unrewarding for a long long time (at least that seems likely). But Christ laid down His life for YOUR salvation, can you find Him within you, and can your faith be so great that you might lay down YOUR life for this undeserving unrepentant husband?

Think of the rewards you will reap in heaven.

I would encourage you to search deeply, if you could rely so heavily upon the Lord that you could forgive him and serve him, and I think you can, because you are asking for advice and you obviously care what the Lord would have you do.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Meg Logan
A sister in Christ

Anonymous said...

I don't know what really to say but that as a christian when there isn't a clear answer it's always good to wait. God wants us to come to Him in prayer, he's working something for the good even in this dark providence and situation. As a child of God sister know that God is ever with you, for you and though you may not see a clear answer to your prayers, keep praying. Ask God to direct your paths to show you and guide you, give this all to him. he will answer. This answer may be "Wait my child" for so many reasons but of them all because he LOVES you. Walk in the spirit sister meditate deeply in His word and pray, pray, pray for your husband.

If there is physical abuse of which you are afraid for your own life and your dear childs then flee to safety.

Men can commit adultery in the heart with there eye any time and men struggle with this but Im not going to divorce my husband for that. As I have my struggles this is something some men will struggle with also but the struggle is there and the desire is not to sin in this way if he is a true believer.

In my study of the word of god and through a personnal experience myself I am quick to have hard feelings about this all. My godly mother experienced some things of this nature and it was confronted and there was desire to change but it didn't happen quickly. Now this is behind them and there has been a total change in my father that I praise God for! It has helped my own healing aswell.

If there is any desire obn your husbands part to change then see this through. If there is substantial prove that there has been physical infedelity, really pray for God's guiding in this all, he will make it clear. many times in the storms of life watching and praying waiting on Him with hope and faith and he will rise you up. he remains faithful thmany times are, he will never leave you nor forsake you dear one, he is ever close to you. grow from this special closeness and sweet time of nearness that many times come only from the trials in this life. the most godliest people I know are the most humblest and the ones who have been through the most in this earthly life. They know what it means to fast and pray, they know what it means to trust though you are shaken and everything around you is falling apart. trust dear sister, walk by faith, there will be an answer to this all at somepoint, till then watch and pray, trust in sweet jesus and let him carry this for you and carry you through this too. he loves you so much, and holds every tear you have shed in his hands.

he is on your side and stands ready to show you His will.

Amen!

Anonymous said...

...I just wanted to add that I wouldn't quickly run to quickly end the marriage. As some have commented i too am quite surprised and the quickness of some to advice to leave.

Jesus laid his life indeed, lets remeber the cost he paid. My mo had prove of conversations and even heard a coversation. there wasn't any prove actual infedelity in the physical sence though there were those "Sighns" that lead one to think so. But my fathers desire neither was to straighten things out so much at first, he would just ignore it. Well one day he lsitened to my mom (God woke him up). I can't tell you when but it did take time. My mom went through so much and we children did experience some bad things that even to this day is a struggle for me in the trust department of my marriage with my own husband but my mom is the godliest woman I know and God has used even this dark time in her life and ours as kids and has changed it for the good. yes I do feel battered at times even to this day, but times does heal and it's made me the christian woman i am today bruised up a bit, tired having seen and experienced what was supposed to be a christian marriage and household collapse for years. But here I stand in all my weaknesses, my sturggles my emotional scars and God is still right there with open arms loving me and shaping me through it to this day. If anything it's made me have more compassion and give hope to those in situations like yourself that God is hearing you and loves you and is working a good thing even through this.

I can't say this enough, walk my faith, watch and prayt, pray, pray, walk by His side and he will lead your paths. We have a great God who holds the heart of man in his hands he can certainly change this all around in an instant if he so chooses. Or he can draw you his preciouse child ever so close to him durring this time to shape you in likeness to his son. Give it all to him and plead to him for His guidance and wisdom to know what to do. He will answer.

Anonymous said...

"Believe and trust; through stars and suns,
Through life and death, through soul and sence,
His wise, paternal purpose runs,
The darkness of His providence
Is starlite with Divine intents."

Anonymous said...

Wow, am I the only one who recognizes the obvious life-or-death issue here? AIDS!!!! He is looking for sex, he will find it and most likely with a very promiscuous woman! Yes, Christ laid down His life for ours, but we also had to TURN from our sin and accept His forgiveness, grace and mercy. This husband is/has not turned from evil. In NO way does the Lord expect us to foolishly expose ourselves to risky behavior, especially when we have a child who is depending on us to be there for him. As a counselor for ten years, I am also appalled at the co-dependent comments coming from these readers. Those who want to change...do! We can NOT change anyone but ourselves. She can not control what her husband does or does not do, ever. Do some reading about sex addiction and you will quickly see that what she does will not influence his problem. She could give him sex 24/7 and it would not alter his behavior or problem. She can not control him.

Be wise as a serpent, protect yourself for your sons sake. Before...you get an STD, or AIDS. He has already left your marriage.

Anonymous said...

I just want to tell you my heart goes out to you and I send my love as a fellow Christian mother with young children, I find myself here consoling my own saddened heart as a wife and I pray for you. I have sinned much and thank God for his mercy and grace in forgiving and healing me. My feeling is separate absolutely without divorcing, however Proverbs 3:5-6 has been door-opening for me and I pray for you to have healing, peace, and love in Christ. God Loves You!

Anonymous said...

My Dear, I am so sorry to hear about the conflicts in your marriage, as posted here. The best thing you can do right now is to think things through. I have been where you are. You are not alone. There are many women who are out here praying for you.
If you have a full-time career outside the home, your options are open. If not, the best thing you can do is to bide your time until your son is grown up. Either way, while you are thinking things through, make sure your environment is safe for your son. He is your #1 priority.

Next thing is for you to get a gynecology checkup. Make sure your husband has not given you some sort of infection. Then if you are clean, get a birth control shot, or get an IUD. You don't need your husband sweet talking you into another pregnancy. Yes, children are a gift from God. But God also gives women common sense. And once a man is a cheat he will always be a cheat with roaming eyes. You've got to protect yourself from disease and danger. That's why I recommended the birth control shot, or an IUD. Hubby doesn't need to stumble upon a pack of pills or a tube of cream. Girl, you've to do what need to do to protect yourself and your child.

The other woman who posted a comment was right in advising you to remain pleasant if you choose to stay in your marital residence. If the house is in your name - then stay at home...and pack his bags. Always have mature and godly people with you when confronting your husband. Do not argue with him, or provoke his verbal abuse. Your Pastor and his wife need to be there to support you. If they refuse, find another church. You need to know that you have the spiritual support of the man who has pledged himself to be your spiritual shepherd. Don't let him explain his way out of not being there for you in a time of spiritual need. This is too serious to play with.

Part Two of my message to follow...

Anonymous said...

Here is the second part of my message, ad I promised....

If your house is in your husband's name, and you're unemployed, or underemployed - then shut your mouth, smile, cook, clean, and watch your attitude. Baby, your kindness will heap burning coals on hubby's head. Always be sweet and patient with him on the surface, while you work double-time to prepare a life for you and your son, without him. If you have a full-time job, then go back to school and get as many certifications in your field, as possible. Get involved with a supportive church community of strong women. Make friends. Get involved in at least two small group ministries. Share your gifts and talents with the body of Christ. Have some place safe to go, just in case your husband wants to act a fool. By all means keep your son safe.

Now, this may take a couple of years to accomplish. Like I said, unless you are in immediate danger, don't do nothing for now. Don't complain around your husband. Don't cry in front of him. Always let him see a beautiful and composed Woman of strength and integrity.

Now, when you are by yourself, you can cry out to the LORD. Ask God all the questions you need. Cast your cares on Jesus. He loves you and cares for you. As you reach out to God, He will hold, support and sustain you. Pray about all things.

Keep your business to yourself. It is not your parent's or sibling's duty to take you and your child under their roof. You are a grown woman. Stand strong on your own two feet. Knowing that the Holy Spirit is standing strong with you. Keep your business out of the church, and out of the ladies circles. Like I said, always be cheerful and positive. If you find yourself getting emotional, just excuse yourself for a moment. Take your weakness to the LORD in private prayer. Even a simple whispered prayer is sufficient.

Now, one of two things will happen:
(A) Your husband will come back and say he is sorry, and ask you to forgive him.

OR

(B) Your husband will be moved on. He will file for the divorce, thus releasing you from all obligation.

The facts of your godly character will speak for themselves. Your documented medical record will identify your husband as an abusive cheater. If you follow my advise, you will have established your financial and social independence. You will be able to secure a decent home for yourself and your son. Your son will have witnessed his mother as being a strong and loving Woman of God.

Finally, whatever you do...NEVER degrade your husband in front of your child. Your son has a right to honor, love and respect his father. If your son asks you what happened, tell him the truth. It is better for him to hear it from you, than to hear it on the streets or at his school. Just tell him that the marriage did not work out because of personality differences. Let him know that you both love him. Let him know that he had nothing to do with the failure of your and your husband's relationship.

One day when your son is an adult, he will understand for himself. And he will always respect you for the way you handled things.

Go forth to love and serve the LORD!

Rev. Sister K

p.s.: If anyone is wondering about me. Well, I did all the things that I recommended to my sister in this post. My ex and I are in communication all the time. He regrets losing me, but he knows that life has moved on for us both. He respects me for being firm and honoring God with my life and becoming Ordained with a Doctorate in Divinity Degree. He is still going from woman to woman, seeking only what God can give him. Our son is a married veteran with a family of his own. I am single, retired, and involved full-time with my church community. I have a wonderful and supportive Pastor.

And again I say, "PRAY ALWAYS!" and believe by faith. God’s got a blessing with your name on it.

Anonymous said...

Despite the long lapse of time on this message blog, I still want to offer a few words myself, since I turned to this site for my own help. Perhaps there is a woman now reading this who is concerned with how se should handle her marriage/separation/divorce.

After seeking much advice in my own abusing marriage, which is complicated and possibly triggered by my husband's mental illness, I have had a sticky situation and have trusted no one to make this call for me/my marriage, except God. I recommend that all of you ladies consult the scriptures, prayer, and your heart for your best guidance. Marriage is one of the most sacred acts we have in this lifetime and not to be taken lightly. God's rules ask for patience, forgiveness, although God does give us grounds to move on in some cases.

I am currently trying to just accept that I have no clear answers as to my marriage right now, and to focus on working on myself. It's hard ti live in limbo, to live single when I am not, to be lonely, to know whether or not I should still make love to my husband while we are separated.... I have found no clear answers yet, or I would share them. If there is still hope, and a chance for reconciliation, then I think it is essential that we take it, although in order to break a bad pattern we must change and see change. My advice is to be proactive, to accept God's will above your own, to protect yourself and your children, and to project "strong love" rather than "weak love."