Making Home: Soul Care

Showing posts with label Soul Care. Show all posts

6 Danger Zones of "Selfies"

IS IT WRONG TO TAKE A SELFIE?

I have recently been schooled in the inanity of Justin Beiber's (or is it Bieber's? I'm glad I don't know the answer to this question.) ubiquitous collection of self-photography.

When pressed by the people around them to tell the story of their lives from their own perspective, important people used to write autobiographies. Now we have the selfie as a means of sharing one's own perspective. It's an equal-opportunity form of self-promotion, often undertaken more by the unimportant than the important.

Now of course, let me get it out of the way: it is not inherently "wrong" to take a selfie.

I've taken a few. You probably have too.

But I want to challenge us all to think about the things that we do. We have to be careful with any-- ANY-- activity that is self-focused, and self-promoting. We have to be willing to transparently investigate our own hearts--

WHY are we doing this thing?
What is the purpose of our self-focus in this particular moment?
What is the point of taking so many photos of ourselves?

Sometimes we want to have a close-up of ourself with another person. Sometimes we want a particular perspective. Sometimes you want to chronicle a moment and there's no one else around to take the picture. Sometimes we want to know how our newly-done hairstyle looks, haha.

There can certainly be innocuous reasons for a selfie.

However, in a few of the times I've taken "selfies," I can see other things happening in my heart. I feel the pull to care about externals and perception more than I do at other times of life. This picture makes me look like I have a double chin. Why do my eyes look weird in that one? Uh-oh-- my dirty laundry is in the background; try again!

There are some potential pitfalls or "danger zones" when it comes selfies:

We may glorify UNreality. - Am I choosing a picture that cuts out every 'negative' thing, thus glorifying something that most likely (in truth) does not exist? Am I, knowingly or not, buying into a culture that idolizes the airbrushed celebrity or starving model, and disdains things like everyday moments in a normal, imperfect family? Do I put more effort and intentionality into presenting an image, rather than BEING a Christ-follower in everyday life?
We may glorify ourselves. - Who am I pointing to? Who is being made much of? Am I acting as if my own emotions, facial expressions, and experiences are the most significant thing in life? Am I sinfully focused on myself and my perspective, instead of seeing myself as God's creation-- part of His story, His world, His tapestry?
We may glorify sensuality. - Am I revealing things that should not be revealed? Am I, through the positioning of a camera, the arching of my back, the pouting of my lips, or (some other factor) contributing to a pornographic culture? Would I want my dad, grandparents, pastor, and future grandchildren to look carefully at the picture I am taking?
We may glorify the sardonic. - In my expression/demeanor, am I glorifying a self-loathing, cynical, ungrateful heart that highlights my despair and downplays the goodness of God in my life?
We may delude ourselves. - Am I confusing myself about what actually exists, or about what is most important in life?
We may deceive others. - Am I confusing others about what actually exists in my life? Am I discouraging others by how 'perfect' everything appears?

In all of these, I used the word "may."

Our intent might certainly NOT be to do these things, but Christ-followers have to live as sober-minded people, thinking carefully about the way that we live and the choices we make. Our actions say something about what we believe... we we value... what we want to glorify and hold up as "good" in our lives.

Is taking a "selfie" inherently wrong?

No.

But it could be wrong. Each of us must sit before the Lord as He searches our hearts. He is so good to lead us into all truth, and to show us where we need to grow.

Let's make much of Him & His goodness, even in "selfies."

12 Things To Do When Your World Explodes

Sometimes life blindsides us. It could be any number of things. But sometimes in life, we feel like everything has exploded around us, and nothing is as it was before.

(For us, some of them have been death of a parent while he was driving to our wedding, miscarriage x3, job loss, unexplained illness, hurting/sick relatives, an unexpected move, car accidents, the loss of community…)

Here is what I have learned to do in moments when the world goes chaotic around me:

Remember God's faithfulness. This is no trite slogan. He is dependable. He is the eternal God who provided manna in the desert and a way through the sea. Isaiah 63 says, "I will recount the gracious deeds of the Lord, the praiseworthy acts of the Lord." Remind yourself, audibly (say it out loud) and/or visually (write it and keep it in front of your face), of what he has done for you before. Name every single thing He brings to mind. Times of sickness, need, sorrow, pain, will come to your mind. Remind yourself of every time He has been faithful to you or anyone you know in any way. He meets every need we have, and so many wants as well. He is always, incredibly, overwhelmingly, wonderfully faithful. Every time. Always.
Be still. The tendency is to want to churn. Especially if something is hurtful or confusing. But stillness-- forcing my heart to be still before the LORD-- allows me to listen to what's most important and tune out all the chaos. Do not be anxious. Focus on Christ as the foundation of everything.
Trust in God. Mindfully. Prayerfully. Fully. Intentionally. Truly, what this means for me practically is that in those moments when every single need is popping into mind, that I remember that God knows everything I need. That I express my need to Him, and keep on--moment by moment-- choosing to rest in Him.
Hunker down and hug the people closest to you. Even if it's the kid who has done something foolish. Even if it's the husband you still feel frustrated with because he made a costly mistake. Even if you're not sure it means anything or changes anything. Even if it feels hollow in the moment. Keep hugging.
Let the people closest to you "hug" you. It is so tempting, when we are in need, to tense up and keep people at arms' distance. But you have to choose to abandon your pride, abandon the illusion of self-dignity and independence, and let them in. This doesn't mean you expose your wounds to anyone at all, but let the people closest to you be close enough to hug you and hold you while you weep. Let them help you, bring dinner, do your dishes… let the Body of Christ BE the Body when you need them.
Ask for forgiveness the minute you realize you need it. When you are in a tight spot, attitudes will come out. The ugly things that can at other times stay hidden below the surface-- your desire for peace and quiet, annoyance with mess, frustration with someone's tone of voice-- come out at times when stress is higher and patience is lower. Ugly things surface and make themselves known. So, rather than growing bitter, defensive, and divided, ask forgiveness. This is an opportunity to realize how much you need to grow, and an opportunity to grow, more like Jesus.
Keep talking. This is huge for Doug and I. Even if it's speaking hard truths. Even if it's asking a question out loud that both of us know for certain we don't know the answer to. Just keeping on turning toward God and toward one another with our communication has been EXTREMELY important in the times of greatest stress in our lives.
Take the long view. Put this "momentary affliction" in light of all the other things that have happened in life and all of the good. Eternity is a long time, and God's plans are bigger than we can see from our tiny perspective here.
Stay connected to God, as a branch stays connected to the vine. Keep drawing life-giving sustenance from His Word. Pray. Lift your hands to worship His name. Offer a sacrifice of praise to the Lord Almighty, even-- especially-- in your pain.
Be thankful. Less than two weeks ago, we were faced with an incredibly difficult set of circumstances. Instantaneously, our lives went from relatively stable to completely out of whack. Within a couple hours, the Lord reminded me to start a "thankful list." It really is of mental, spiritual, emotional, attitudinal benefit to list out and counsel your own heart to be thankful for every possible thing. Start a list…. and keep adding to it.
Do the next thing. Just do the next logical, right thing. Fold the laundry. Put the milk away. Change the baby's diaper. Feed the dog. Do the next thing. Keep doing what makes sense and put one foot in front of the other.
Keep an eye toward what God is doing. Recently a friend of mine died, after ninety years on this earth. I remember when her husband died, after they'd shared fifty-nine years of marriage, and how broken-hearted she was. One day at our weekly prayer meeting, she told me that she often looked toward the eastern sky and wondered if God would let her see Jesus come back. Even in her grief, she was prayerfully plugged into God's work, and she had eternity in view. We can do the same. Keep your eyes attuned to what God is doing around you.

God has so many things to teach us in moments of shock, pain, grief, frustration, hurt, and sorrow. These twelve habits have helped me to turn to God in those moments in my life, to hear what He is saying, and to focus on His goodness even amidst the difficulties. I hope they will help others, too.

21 Tips to Help Your Family Sleep Well

Sleep is an necessary (and let's be honest, lovely) part of life.

And I believe it is a necessary part of a good attitude for us all as well.

In our home, good rest for everyone is an essential ingredient in making for a peaceful home environment. When we moved abroad, multiple times over, with little ones in tow, getting everyone onto local time and getting good rest was pretty much my top priority in the first couple of weeks. Naps are non-negotiable for kids until around age 4, and then only negotiable if their pleasant attitude can consistently hold out until bedtime.

With 6 kids in the house, all of whom share 2 bedrooms, sleeping is one of those issues (like making healthy meals) that I've chosen to invest time in, because consistency and effort in this area pays us all back multiple times over. We all sleep well, and mama is happier that way.

MY BEST TIPS FOR GETTING KIDS TO SLEEP:

Long-time Making Home readers know that for babies, I'm a big fan of Babywise. Giving your children good quality sleep is truly a gift for their little bodies, souls, and attitudes. (Psst: We now use swaddlers for the first 3-6 months. They didn't have these when I started having babies, but they're wonderful for taming the newborn "startle" reflex.)
And I've laid out specifics before about how we work (yes, work!) to help our children continue to sleep well, long past infancy. I see this as a serious priority for our family.
Get them in bed at a reasonable hour. This can vary from family to family, depending on parents' working hours, family norms, and kids' schooling. In our house, kids 6 & under are in bed by 8 (8:30 in the summer), and kids 11 & under are in bed by 9 (9:30 in the summer).
The bedtime routine is quick. We don't play around; when it's time for bed, it's time for bed. They don't need endless stories, because we've been reading together throughout the day. A quick hug and kiss, a prayer, brush-your-teeth-get-a-last-drink-go-potty-and-get-in-bed. Phew! (This gives mommy and daddy much-needed time together too.)
We put dark curtains in their rooms (when we lived in a place where it got brighter, earlier, we put blackout curtains like hotels use as an inside liner behind their normal room curtains). A nightlight is kept on in the bathroom, with the door almost completely shut so the light doesn't disturb sleep but they can find it if they need to go potty in the middle of the night.
If they wake up too early, back to bed they go.

Very few people in our society get enough sleep, but helping our children sleep well is a top priority for me, because it pays dividends in their attitudes, and in mine.

BEST TIPS FOR MOM:
Through twelve years of non-stop pregnancies, nursing babies, cross-world moves, migraines, insomnia, and restless legs syndrome, I want to share what works for me:

I teach the kids to sleep well. Yes, I think the first step in me sleeping well is making sure that everyone else sleeps well, so there's no one else waking me up.
I regularly take hot baths with Epsom Salt and Lavender, right before bed. It relaxes my body and keeps me from experiencing the insomnia of restless-leg-syndrome.
My husband rubs my feet with body butter while we talk or watch movies on a fairly regular basis. This helps me calm down, and gives us a chance to connect.
We are intimate, often. This lowers tension, keeps us emotionally connected, and yes- relaxes and helps us both to sleep better. (The endorphins and hormones released during intimacy relax the body... God made these things for our benefit, y'all!)
I keep simple over the counter aids like muscle rub creams, Chloraseptic, pain relief medicine, and Vicks vaporub on hand, so I can treat what ails me.
We have a Sleep Number Bed, and shipped it around the world with us. We've had it since 2003, and it's still going strong, all these moves later. Being able to make the bed softer and more firm, at my whim, has made sleep more comfortable for me through the ever-changing-pregnancy-body.
Did I mention that helping the kids sleep well is a top priority around here? Seriously. I see this as part of my job description as mom, just like it is my job as their mom to see that they eat properly.

MICHAEL HYATT'S 8 TIPS FOR GETTING BETTER SLEEP:

Avoid caffeinated drinks, especially after 4pm.
Eliminate negative input. (Don't pick up phone calls from negative people, news/media, things that will cause you to worry.)
Go to bed on time. There is always one more thing you can do. He says, don't deceive yourself. Get to bed about an hour before you plan to fall asleep.
Make sure the room is DARK. Any kind of light impacts sleep patterns. Block out windows.
Keep the temperature cool. About 68 in winter, about 70 in summer, so you can have a cover and feel comfortable.
Run a fan, or have white noise. Turn on the overhead fan. Get a "white noise" app or machine. Give your brain enough background noise to mask external noises.
Use essential oils. "People are rediscovering the benefits of oils." Michael Hyatt uses DoTerra, and applies vetiver (on feet, behind ears & on temples), clarysage (on feet), and lavender (on chest, back of neck, & pillow).
Prayer. "Gail and I pray together every night." It casts burdens on the Lord, clears your mind, connects you with your spouse, and gives you peace and the care of the Lord.

His bonus tips:

Take a hot bath. Relax and prepare you for bed.
Read. Even better if it's something "mindless" (looking through a magazine).
Listen to music.
Be intentional with your sleep. Take deliberate actions to improve your restfulness.

CHECK OUT HIS ARTICLE & PODCAST ABOUT SLEEP & PRODUCTIVITY.

Any additional sleep tips to share? Please add your ideas in the comments.

4 Questions For the Tired Mom

During a recent early afternoon visit to Wal-Mart, I spoke to two employees (one at the beginning of my visit, and the other with the checker) and had identical conversations with them.

Me: (smile) "Hello there, how are you doing?"

Them: "Oh..." (blink/nod) "... I'm tired. Ready for a break."

Now, I'm not slamming either of them for being tired, even mid-day. We all have "off" days.

But these two conversations punctuated my experience of watching people walking around Wal-Mart, in the middle of the day on a weekend, looking tired and worn out.

It was, to me, a picture of a larger truth in our society: people are (by and large) shuffling through life, getting by, not really engaging with people.

Everybody's tired! All the time.

And all too often, rather than intentionally working with purpose and dignity, even employees (who used to be trained in customer-engagement and an attitude of service) are just passing time, waiting for the next break.

Of course, we moms are tired too.

Even if we're not "working," make no mistake: we're working. Constantly helping, cooking, training, re-training, tying, cutting, writing, cleaning, singing, playing, nursing, showing, watching, coaching, carrying, listening, teaching... the needs sometimes seem endless, and it makes us tired, but deep down we know: it is a GOOD tired.

"GOOD AND TIRED"
As I drove home from Wal-Mart that day, the exhaustion of childhood came to mind.

Summer days in our small town were filled with moments best described by "getting good and tired." Long walks down railroad tracks, biking all over our small town, exploring under trundle bridges, playing basketball in the driveway, building forts out in the field behind our house, swinging on a homemade swing from the tall trees at my grandparents' home... all these things made me and my little brother "good and tired."

Do you remember when it wasn't busyness that made you tired?

Have you experienced days like that recently? Days where wholesome, hard work, intense but fruitful emotional investments, or fervent play, were what made you tired, rather than the fast-paced lifestyle full of commitments and events that has now become part-and-parcel of the American life?

Do you differentiate these things in your life-- the "tired" from the "good and tired?"

Consider these questions about your tiredness:

Am I tired from good things (eternal purpose, even if it's hard)? (Examples: Up at night nursing an infant, nurturing healthy characteristics and patterns in my family, the body-wearying work of raising young children, the mind-wearying work of parenting older children, the soul-wearying work of being sanctified and changed by God?)
Am I tired from stretching to meet goals that I/my spouse find important?

Or, are you just tired?

Ask yourself:

What am I doing in my life that is making me tired, or using me up, but is (eternally speaking) fruitless? Am I used up on things that seem urgent, but are ultimately unimportant? (With fresh eyes, consider your daily/weekly/monthly commitments... especially those things that you've 'always done.')
Am I feeding an unhealthy physical or mental exhaustion by continuing certain activities or relationships? Are there certain things or people you need to step away from?

DOES IT MATTER?
This summer, we built a chicken coop ourselves (yes, in the Texas summer heat, and yes, we did it with six children in tow). Some of those days ended with a bone-wearying exhaustion.

BUT-- it was a "good and tired" sort of exhaustion. Exhaustion with a purpose.

Your purpose doesn't have to be mine, and mine doesn't have to be yours (you might think I'm crazy for spending energy on the chicken coop, and that's OK)-- different women will rank these things differently-- but I think it makes all the difference in the world to know that your tiredness is for a purpose. [TWEET THAT.]

It feels different, even in the moment your head hits the pillow.

Are you intentionally using what God has given you (body/soul/mind/gifts/abilities)?

Are you "good and tired?

Or just tired?

Images courtesy of: David Castillo Dominici & Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Being MOM-- Good Stewardship of My Time & Energy (Trail Blaze #6)

WOMAN HOLDING A BALANCE,
Johannes Vermeer, c. 1662-1665

Being a mom of a small tribe has taught me certain things.

One of those is that I am not a limitless person. I used to feel that way... like I could do anything, go anywhere, pile on the commitments, handle anything life could throw at me, and accomplish it all with strength, skill, and passion.

But I am learning that there is a limit-- that I have true human limitations-- and that once certain things are used up, they are used up.

And (taking it a step further-- to the practical level) once it's used up, there are people in my home who will suffer if they have needs that I can not meet because I have spent myself, my time, & energy elsewhere.

I am responsible for being a good steward of my own energy, time, and life. There is no one to blame but me if my time and energy are ill-used. But God can help, and is helping, me to change.

Once I realize that I have used my time or energy in ways that are unwise, I can ask myself:

IS IT SIN?-- sometimes I am willfully using my energy in ways that God never asks me to do, or even tells me not to do, and I am responsible for that. In this case, I need to confess that and choose to walk in ways that will be a wise use of my resources... seeing myself as a steward of *me*.
IS IT NEGLECT?-- sometimes I am carelessly, unintentionally expending my energy on things that are not fruitful. In this case, I need to be more purposeful, examining where my time and energy are going, and living with intentionality.
IS IT KNOW-HOW?-- sometimes my energy is poorly used because I don't know what I should be doing, or because I don't know how to do what I do in a way that helps me to steward it wisely. In this case, I need to learn and acquire skills that help me to use my energy in a more reserved way. (Things like freezer cooking, meal planning, arranging a closet so clothes are better accessible and kids don't end up going through more outfits than they should in a day, and learning to keep up with dishes more quickly could fall into this category.)
IS IT SOMETHING ELSE?-- talking about these things with Doug helps me. He sees my life from a different angle and can reflect back to me what he's seeing. It's usually encouraging, in that he sees way more good than I do, but occasionally it's challenging, and he points out something I'm doing that is not fruitful. Either way, it's helpful to think through life with intentionality, and to specifically ask my husband for his input.

Whatever the case, ultimately I am responsible for how I use what God has given me-- my time & energy in particular.

I can spend my time & energy fruitlessly, or I can live with purpose, according to the guidance God has given me. (Click here to tweet that.)

What about you? Please share in comments--

Do you push yourself too far and try to do too much?
Where in your life do you need to seek balance and stewardship?
What would it look like for you to see yourself as a "steward" of YOU?

CAUTION: YOU ARE ENTERING A CONVERSATION WITH AN EXHAUSTED MOM

At this point in life, I'm fairly convinced I should walk around with caution tape wrapped around me as a visible symbol to everyone I encounter:

"WARNING, WARNING, WARNING... DO NOT GO INTO THIS CONVERSATION WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS. IN FACT, LET'S JUST DIAL THOSE EXPECTATIONS BACK TO A FLAT ZERO AND THEN I MIGHT-- possibly-- HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMPRESS YOU, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

THE WOMAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENGAGE IS EXTREMELY TIRED. SHE MAY MAKE CONVERSATIONAL TOPIC LEAPS THAT MAKE SENSE IN HER TIRED BRAIN BUT APPEAR NONSENSICAL TO YOU. SHE IS TALKED OUT AND TOUCHED OUT, AND HAS ABOUT 1.25 mL OF "EXTRA" TO GIVE OVER THE COURSE OF A WEEK (WHICH, CHANCES ARE, SHE HAS ALREADY DOLED OUT). APPROACH WITH GRACE AND CAUTION."

I am extremely blessed and thankful for my family, and wouldn't trade them for anything. Nonetheless, speaking truthfully, I have never felt so taxed as I have this last five-year period of my life.

Granted, there are six kids running around my house, all of whom I birthed, one of whom I birthed in this very home, seven months ago. We homeschool and have moved five times (once transatlantic) in the last five years.

You may be thinking, "Duh, Captain Obvious. Of course you're taxed!"

I can identify with Sally Clarkson when she writes, "I was living a life of ideals that most of my old friends didn’t believe in and few understood, so often loneliness and lack of support were my companions."

Though I feel alone and often feel unsupported, I'm not really alone. I think this is a particular "flash point" for homeschooling moms, for stay-home-moms of all little ones, and for anyone who goes about life with non-stop responsibilities without the "release" valve regularly being pushed.

ALWAYS ON
Because I'm always "on," I find many of these things to be true:

I'm not acting like "myself" lately. Or, at least not the "self" I've always known. Even though I'm an extrovert, I *act* like an introvert at times when I'm out in public. (Not always, but often. Especially for a pretty strong extrovert like me, it surprises me how little I sometimes connect when I'm out in public.) I'm not a good conversation buddy right now. My mom and I discovered this recently. She's an introvert, but is currently on medical leave from her job. Consequently, she gets oodles of time by herself, and she's acting quite extroverted right now. I, on the other hand, have a house full of people all the time, who talk to me all the time... and I'm acting introverted much of the time. We both get so much of what is our typical "need" met that at this time, we feel greater need for the opposite, in order to balance out our lives. I have had to choose to be comfortable in my own "skin," even when it feels different than it used to.
It takes me a while to warm up in a crowd. Whereas I used to jump into social events ready to engage, it takes me a good 30-60 minutes after leaving our full-of-life home to mentally shift to engaging with others, and even then I often do a shoddy job of social interaction. I am growing to accept this about myself, for this season.
When I *do* manage conversation in public, I often get home and find as I reanalyze the conversation that I completely misunderstood someone's meaning, or that the comment I made was unrelated to the topic at hand but somehow in my brain it made sense at the time. I don't want to overstate this as if I'm some mumbling idiot, but more often than I used to, I find that my mouth has fumbled through a conversation and I realize it after the fact.
I am having to ask forgiveness from people way more often than I used to. My brain is more tired, and my body is more tired. I don't know if it's that I'm sinning more, or more aware of my sin... but either way, I am being regularly humbled. That stings, but I know that this too is for my good.
I forget to do things that used to be natural to me, in relationship. For example, I forget to follow-up about something going on in a friend's life. In fact, sometimes my plate is so full I completely forget about an event/situation in someone else's life. (Two weeks ago, I forgot that a friend's dad had had a stroke until after I'd spoken to her at church. *Headslap!*) Grace, grace... I need it so badly.

PREOCCUPIED, CONSTANTLY: WHEN THE MIND IS FULL

Years ago, a mentor of mine shared that a woman (who she'd gone to church with for a decade or more) approached her with this question: "Have I done something to offend you?"

My friend shook her head, and answered back that she had not, asking, "Why? Have I acted offended to you?"

The woman looked down, unsure but clearly wounded, "For years I have passed you in the halls and you always have a glassy look in your eyes, looking down as you walk, like you're deliberately avoiding looking at me. What have I done?"

My friend (a busy mom with a large family) explained, "I'm so sorry! I can't believe it's gone on this long and you've thought I was avoiding you. When you see me running back and forth, glassy-eyed, to the nursery or to go make copies for my husband or whatever, I am mentally running through the things I have to do, the kid I need to pick up, the diaper bag I forgot in the car, the conversation I had with my preteen on the way here, the fact that I only put eyeliner on one eye, or whatever. I have absolutely not one thing against you. It just makes me sad that it took this long for me to clear it up."

I think back to that sometimes, and it gives me comfort. Sometimes we all have times where we are off our game.

She was in a season. I am in a season too. Seasons are for a time, and then they pass and give way to something new.

HOW I HANDLE IT IN THE HERE AND NOW

Well, obviously I don't handle it super-well. I'm not holding myself up as some sort of soul care guru, who has mastered the art of social interaction whilst feeling overwhelmed.

I still feel mentally preoccupied, physically touched-out, and emotionally like I have nothing much to offer, a good portion of the time. I'm still me in my head and heart, but I'm afraid that if I was to evaluate myself objectively, watching a camera reel of my social interactions with others, I would probably see a lot of holes, and what I see most likely wouldn't resemble much of the woman I am in my heart and head.

Wrapping myself in caution tape as a visual cue to everyone I meet might not be THAT bad of an idea.

But here are some ways I have handled it:

Stay in Scripture. I haven't done this one enough lately, and I am actively working on it. But when I'm in scripture, I am refueling spiritually, and God is faithful to teach us what we need for a given time in our lives. So even if I feel physically or emotionally depleted, my spiritual tank is full and I'm walking in the Spirit.
Remind myself of this (temporary) new normal. Before I go to an event, particularly if it's one I've been looking forward to, I have to dial back my expectations of myself. I used to be able to go to a church fellowship, for example, and successfully touch base with a lot of people, and walk away recharged. Now, I'm more likely to get one conversation in, and later realize I said or did something awkward. Or sometimes I get to the end of the event and realize I only interacted at surface level and wish I would have gone deeper. If I have lofty expectations of myself, I'll walk away disappointed that I didn't get to connect with people, when in reality, I did the best I could in the moment.
My husband reminds me. I'm thankful that Doug is good at reminding me of this- he'll say, "Sit by someone like ______, ______, or ______ (suggesting close friends)-- take advantage of this time with them. Have a good time!" I so appreciate those reminders because sometimes the mental fog really doesn't let me "go there" until after the fact.
Occasionally, remind others. I have been known to say things like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not very good for having a real conversation while my kids are running around on Sunday morning. You're welcome to come by and chat during their naptime from 2-4 sometime this week." Or if I feel eyes on me as I'm glazing over, walking to the nursery, I'll meet their gaze and say, "Oh! I'm in my own little world. Sorry about that! How are you?"
Ask for time when you need it. Sally Clarkson tweeted yesterday, "Be assertive and tell your husband your needs. He is there to do life with you." YES!!! I'm thankful for a husband who tries to care for me. Still, he's not a mind-reader. We both have to work extra for me to get some time "off," but it's worth it, so we're learning to plan for it.
Use recharge opportunities wisely. When Doug makes a point to give me some time to myself, or when the opportunity comes to get together with friends, I try to be extremely selective about what I "spend" myself on. I have less "extra" to spend than I used to have, so I have to be much more thoughtful about where it will go. Lord willing, the day will come when the kids will be out of the house and I'll have more than ample opportunity for regular times "out and about" with friends. But right now, I need to only do those things that will really recharge me, or in some way contribute to my emotional/spiritual/physical health. So I have to evaluate things carefully and not expend energy in unhelpful, depleting ways.

Have you ever felt this way?

How do you (or how did you) balance these things and find ways to recharge during these busy, tired days of always-on mothering?

PLEASE share in the comments. I want to hear from you!

Images courtesy of FrameAngel/FreeDigitalPhotos and GreenPhile/FreeDigitalPhotos

The Truth About Quality Time (Trail Blaze #5)

It can be easy, as a stay at home mom, to forget the significance of what you are doing.

In our modern busy-busy-busy, degreed, careered, materialistic, overcommitted society, it is easy to devalue the perfect normalcy of the simple everyday routine, and how that will sear warmth and joy and security into our children's souls.

For example, studies continually show that sit-down meals as a family echo out for decades into a child's future. That one action affects things like a child's performance in school, likelihood to try drugs, and future obesity levels. The family dinner, that used to be a given in virtually every home, is now almost a radical act of cultural disobedience.

We are incomparably blessed as mothers.

There is no role in society like ours.

I am fairly confident that I could rival any supermodel in the amounts of flowers I've been given (if dandelions count), the number of smiles I've gotten, the number of times someone has clamored for my attention, and the number of compliments I've been given in my life. On the rare day when I wear a necklace to church, I'll hear--multiple times over-- some variation of: "I wike yo pitty neck-us mommy."

Truly, it is a rich blessing to have precious uniquely-built souls looking to you, smiling at you, reaching out arms to you, with little hearts eager for your notice of their latest accomplishment. Each child watches and learn from mom about the world-- and each child offers love with such open, tenderhearted affection.

Eternal significance oozes out of the pores of the pregnant mother.

Until this last century, every single human being knew it, and reverenced it.

As the pregnant woman nurtures a new life, she is brought near to the Creator-- the giver of souls-- and she watches as His creativity is revealed yet again right before her eyes:

The miraculous first hours of wonder, awe, fear, and reverence with a new baby roll over into
Sleepless nights, which roll over into
A new normal as a family, which rolls over into
Getting to know a new little blossoming personality, which rolls over into
Following this little wandering soul around your house 24/7 because they're too little to really understand words and rules and no-nos, but just big enough to be curious about everything and just risky enough to try to find out, which rolls over into
Defiance and determination the likes of which you're convinced the world has never seen, which rolls over into
Figuring out house norms and rules together as parents and child, which rolls over into
Repetitive daily life.

And it's that last one that really seeps into all of the others.

It's that last one-- repetitive daily life-- that can cause some mothers to think, "this is dull/unimportant/insignificant."

It is easy to believe lies about what is significant.

We all want to believe that what we are doing is weighty.

We are bombarded by worshipful images and messages that communicate that career-minded workaholic women are to be admired. Society repetitively communicates to us that "me-time", mani/pedis, perfect hair, and dream-chasing are where joy, dignity, and value will be found.

Scant few of us have witnessed, at an age we can remember it, a determined, devoted, disciplined mother loving and serving and joyfully, productively passing days alongside her children.

(Psst. Even though you may not have seen an example of the kind of mother your child needs for you to be, you are utterly irreplaceable in the life of your child. You are one of a kind, and God has uniquely fitted you for the position He's put you in as a mother. What's more, this is the one crack at life that you-- and your child-- get.)

Last night I went out to finish up the project that has taken up my extra time for weeks-- the one where I bit off more than I can chew and yet here I am, still chewing, and miraculously it's coming along like I hoped it would-- building the chicken coop.

I walked out to the workshop alone, and brought my phone and earbuds so I could listen to a sermon and have a little down time.

But almost immediately after I walked into the workshop, I heard the door open and close behind me.

Baxter (my 9-year-old) asked if he could help build the coop. So moments later, we were nailing reclaimed boards up for siding on my blueprint-less chicken coop when he said, "it's amazing that you can just think up and do something like this, ya know?"

(While I'd like to let his comment hang in ambiguity so that you all would think he was saying that about me, I should clarify that he was saying this about the universal "you," as in, "it's amazing that a person can just think up and do something like this.")

So then Baxter and I shared an inspiring-to-me exchange about how God has made us humans creative, like Him, and how incredible it is-- the things we can accomplish, when we put our minds to it. I told him how excited I was to see what God would give him to think up and do in his lifetime.

Those moments just happen. And we can't script them.

They are the overflow. Special moments of encouragement, conversation, and soul-building are what happens as time marches on and the little days with infants roll over into exhausting days spent training toddlers to be pleasant and abide by rules, which roll over into enjoyable days spent with older children.

THE TRUTH ABOUT QUALITY TIME

The truth about quality time... and I hesitate ever-so-slightly to say it because I wish you could hear my heart in it... but the truth about quality time is this:

Quality time is a myth made up by busy people.

Quality time is experienced in the unexpected moments that crop up during quantity time.

And we instinctively know this to be true, because we experience it in our other relationships and areas of life.

When we have a mad-dash crammed-full-of-relatives holiday, we don't feel that we've suddenly gotten to know their hearts and seen a glimpse of their souls. We've gotten a quick-and-dirty update. We've seen their pretty, cleaned-up-like-it-won't-be-for-the-rest-of-the-year house, and they've seen us in our well-chosen outfit that hides our postpartum fat rolls as best we are able. We've all stuffed ourselves with food and information, and we go home full but not truly satiated.

We know it when we take a May-term class and get the "gist" of the class, but miss out on the regular interactions with a wise professor that shape our souls in unexpected and foundational ways. The 3-week quick version simply can not provide the same experience that a semester-long, week-in, week-out class provides.

A fast food meal, passed through a window, fills the belly, but does not in any way compare to a sit-down meal, cooked by the home or restaurant chef, accompanied by good conversation and time to laugh and relax.

When we finally meet "the one," we ache to be together. One date every so often would not produce the kind of relationship that satisfies... no, sometimes it is difficult to even say goodbye at night (even when we know we'll see each other early the next morning). We long to KNOW and be KNOWN... our souls long to connect with another human being in intimate, satisfying, mutually beneficial, secure ways.

The truth we all know is that quality time happens in beautiful, unplanned moments of quantity time.

What have you experienced in your family? What do you think about the quality/quantity time dichotomy?

Making the Most of Our Multi-Tasking Abilities

We women tend to be multi-taskers.

We try to squeeze as much as we can into a given moment- carrying the groceries in (loaded down like a donkey), calling instructions to the kids over our shoulder, using the tiniest sliver of our index finger (otherwise weighed down with groceries) to open the gate, kicking the gate closed with our feet, already mentally planning which steps need to be done in which order, in order to have dinner prepared in less than 20 minutes, so we can nurse the baby when he wakes up in 25 minutes.

But sometimes there's a tendency to think that we have to have silence and solitude in order to meditate or enter into spiritual truth in a deep way. That the schedule has to be cleared in order to intake spiritual "food". That if we could just get away from daily demands, THEN we'd have time to retreat and find rest for the soul.

But one of the things I've come to know in the last eleven years as a mom is this: silence and solitude and beautiful and rare... but a peaceful heart and calm spirit can happen in any setting, at any time.

Let me keep this short. Basically, I try to (as often as possible) combine one item from list A with one item from list B:

In a nutshell, use those times where the mind is free to fill it up with things that are meaty and spiritual and encouraging. Don't let the time fritter away and go to waste. That's not to say every moment has to be filled with noise. Moments of just letting my mind be at rest, and nestling into solitude, can be healing and helpful.

But our minds are not naturally bent toward godliness.

If we perpetually give our minds nothing on which to focus, we will easily drift into self-focus-- replaying hurtful conversations, mentally jotting down a list of things we "never" get or "always" have to do, replaying compliments and reviewing "successes", or replaying hurt and criticism and reviewing failures. Or we can drift into busybodying about others-- reviewing things they did (or didn't) say, things they did (or didn't) do, thinking of things they should (or shouldn't) say, things they should (or shouldn't) do.

Instead, I most often click on my audioBible or head to YouTube (or one of my apps) and turn on a sermon by Chandler, Piper, Chan, Harris, or Driscoll.

Let me encourage you to try it-- or do it more often-- give your mind something on which to focus during tasks when your hands or body are busy doing something otherwise mindless.

Please hear my heart: don't let this be a point of legalism or guilt for you.

By all means, take time to enjoy the silence nursing your new baby... or if the kids have been at it all day, enjoy the solitude and relaxation of a hot, quiet bath. But in moments when your mind craves something to do, or would tend toward self-focus or busybodying about other people, my encouragement for you is to give your mind something to do-- combine list A with list B and let God renew your heart, mind, and soul as you go about your daily activities.

Cut Out the Unhelpful (Trail Blaze #3)

1 Corinthians 6:12-- "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be dominated by anything.

In this season as a mom of several little ones, I have come to believe that it is significant-- crucial, even-- for us to guard our hearts and minds by prayerfully cutting out things that are unnecessary and unhelpful. When we are living with increased hormones, and the daily wonderful but nonetheless real responsibilities and stresses of life with young children (including its physical and mental demands), we are under great strain.

Our culture bears the signs of this-- the rise of postpartum depression, a grasping for "me time", an insistence by those who choose to avoid it in some way - "Oh, I could never (FILL IN THE BLANK: stay home, homeschool, have that many children, give up my career, have them that close together)" -- these things hint at the reality of the difficulty of this season. Others see it, and we feel it.

And God Himself sees it... Isaiah 40:11 says that our Shepherd "gently leads those who are with young." He knows that we are under great strain, and need to be handled gently when we are in this season of mothering young lambs.

In that same vein, I have learned to deal gently with myself-- giving myself grace and space to breathe and have a little spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional margin. Like the woman to the right, we are faced with an overwhelming number of possibilities, and our culture encourages us to go-go-go-go-go. Our lives have only so many hours, only so much physical and emotional strength to exert, only so many things we can be committed to do and do well. So I try to carefully weed out unhelpful things that add strain and stress to my life.

Examples in my life of this are:

Too many outside activities-- Instead of finding a place of stillness and quiet, our hearts have a tendency to churn... to commit to a gazillion "opportunities" for our children that in actuality require a pace that is exhausting and draining for everyone... to be busy and going, virtually all the time. Our culture (even church culture sometimes) places great value in activity and encourages us to place value in investing in OTHER people rather than our own families... to call OTHER service "ministry" but not that which happens within our own four walls... to look for satisfaction, entertainment, thrills, and distraction outside of our homes rather than in the relationships and eternal beauty of what happens inside of our homes. For my part, I try to carefully limit how often we are out and about, and choose to spend the vast majority of our time and energy at home. I'm an extrovert, and I enjoy being out and about... that's not it. And our children are actually quite enjoyable to take to stores, go thrifting with, or steal away to a bookstore for an afternoon with... that's not it either. They also are very good at athletics and fine arts so it's not that they can't be successful or that we are opposed to those activities. It is simply this: when we are outside our home, running around, we are much more likely to settle for distractedness rather than engaging in relational growth and intentional interaction... when we are going places, we are-- in our souls-- constantly disrupted, distracted, wandering. There is a beauty and rarity in having a quieted and contented soul, and I find that being home-- truly staying home-- (at least, most of the time) feeds that quietness and gives us all time to be "at rest." This may not hold true indefinitely but for this season of having little ones, it is a beautiful thing that I can testify feeds the souls and bodies of each member of our family.
News-- for me, in this season, I've found that the news is an unhelpful and disconcerting intrusion into my life. There are only rare moments where something truly necessary is shared on the news, and even then I know it will be told to me other ways. If I hadn't had CNN on the morning of 9/11, I still would've learned about it within plenty of time. If I didn't already know that we were under a tornado watch last week, the texts from Doug & Cate would have alerted me to it. When I do (rarely) watch a news program now, I am appalled at the depth of darkness and depressing topics. Abductions, sexual assaults, scandals, "entertainment" news (filled with sexual topics and divorce-type "news"), and far-off disasters fill the 30-minutes or hour. As a mom with so many things on my mind, so many concerns in my heart to pray about, watching the news is worse than a mindless distraction-- it feeds fear, anxiety, anger, and discontentedness, and also stirs up discontentedness and judgment about other people. For many years now, I have opted out of news 99.9% of the time, and I am more at rest because of it. I still check yahoo! headlines for huge-mega-world-important-sized news, but aside from that, I try to exercise self-control and not take on stress, depression, and burdens that I can do nothing about when there is so very much right in front of me requiring my mental and emotional exertion.
Shopping as a boredom-fixer or pick-me-up-- Shopping malls are designed to make us discontent with our lives. Catalogs, online retailers, marketing e-mails, and more, all call out to us: "come, spend your money here on this cute tunic dress, this new diet book, this great kitchen gadget, this trendy piece of jewelry, this adorable pair of summer slip-ons, this bestselling novel... etc." But there is no bottom to this money pit. There will always be a new trend, a new book at the top of the list, a new diet everyone's "raving" about, a new "must have" item for your home. No store or retailer wants you to keep your money in your pocket. Shopping as a distraction from real life is not the answer to depression, discouragement, boredom, frustration, bitterness, a difficult relationship, or physical/mental/spiritual exhaustion. At best it is a temporary fix that drains your resources. At worst, it can land you in debt and lead your heart to believe that things will make you happy. That things are where your treasure is. That things are what make you valuable, pretty, or unique. I am not perfect at this (bookstores are my weakness) but this is an unhelpful habit (just cruising the mall/glancing through the catalog/browsing amazon wishlists) that I have tried to cut out of my life. When LLBean or Coldwater Creek send me their catalogs, unless I'm looking for a particular item that I have in mind right then, I go ahead and pitch the catalog right away. When a retailer sends me a coupon, I flag it in my e-mail box so I can go back and find it if I need it, but I don't go to their website to begin scouring for something-anything-please-please-please to spend it on. Shopping is not the answer to my boredom or discouragement, and admitting that and finding ways to deal with it has been a reality check for my soul, and has been a gift to our pocketbook.

These are three "unhelpful" tendencies I've tried to eliminate from my life. Can you think of any unhelpful things you've eliminated from your life or home? Are there things God would have you eliminate, even for a season, to feed your soul and body and give you rest? I welcome your comments.

Soul Care: Daily Giveaway #5- LAST CHANCE!

Congrats to those who have already won this great book: Jessica B, Erin M., Kate, and Erica!!!

This week, I'm giving away a wonderful book by Steven W. Smith, called Embracing Soul Care: Making Space For What Matters Most. I've been writing a series sharing ideas and encouragement from the book, and Mr. Smith wrote and offered FIVE copies for me to give away through Making Home!

Today is the 5th and final giveaway. Each day, I'm asking you to answer one question in the comments & leave your name & e-mail information (so that I can get in contact with you if you win)!

TODAY, the question is:

What is God teaching you right now? Or, what is one way you currently see God at work in your life?

*** Contest Details: Entries will be taken until 8pm CST, at which point I will use a random number generator to select the winner. I will announce the winner both in the comments of this post & at the top of tomorrow's post. ***

Don't forget to LEAVE A COMMENT w/ your answer, name, and e-mail address!!!

Soul Care: Daily Giveaway #4

Congrats to those who have already won this great book: Jessica B, Erin M., and Kate!!!

Today is the 4th giveaway. Every day this week you will have an opportunity to win this book. Each day, I'm asking you to answer one question in the comments & leave your name & e-mail information (so that I can get in contact with you if you win)!

In Psalm 19:7, we are told that Scripture "revives the soul". Many of the Psalms were used for worship by Jews & within the early church. Throughout my life, as I've experienced various emotions, I have noticed that I can always find a "voice" to express my heart in the Psalms. Smith points out, "The psalmists honesty helps us articulate the deep stirring of our own souls."

THE QUESTION FOR TODAY IS:

Do you have a favorite psalm? If so, please share it... if not, please share something you have noticed in Psalms that communicates to you.... perhaps the expression of human needs, or the intimate communication with God, or the awe & wonder toward His creation.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR ANSWER IN THE COMMENTS, along with your name & e-mail address/way to contact you, and you'll be entered in the giveaway for today! Thanks!

Don't forget to LEAVE A COMMENT w/ your answer, name, and e-mail address!!!

Soul Care: Daily Giveaway #3

Congrats to those who have already won this great book: Jessica B & Erin M.!!!

Today is the 3rd giveaway. Every day this week you will have an opportunity to win this book. Each day, I'm asking you to answer one question in the comments & leave your name & e-mail information (so that I can get in contact with you if you win)!

In the book, Smith writes:

"Valley times of the soul can be unpredictable. We don't know what is ahead. Valleys are experienced, not escaped. We endure the lows, feel the agony, and hope for a way out. These are times of aloneness, yet for those in Christ, the awareness of our traveling companion makes all the difference."

Of course, we've all experienced valley times. Some of my hardest days were described perfectly by Smith-- "experienced, but not escaped." TODAY, the question is:

From YOUR "valley" experiences, what help is needed by someone enduring/experiencing a prolonged valley time? Essentially, what help could/did someone have offered to you (in a valley time) that would have truly been a welcomed blessing? What can others learn from your valley times?

Don't forget to LEAVE A COMMENT w/ your answer, name, and e-mail address!!!

Soul Care: Daily GIVEAWAY #2 (new chance to win each day this week)

(Today's giveaway is now closed. Congrats to Erin M., the winner! Check back each day this week for more chances to win!)
Congrats to yesterday's winner of this great book, Jessica B!!!

Just like yesterday, I'm giving away a wonderful book by Steven W. Smith, called Embracing Soul Care: Making Space For What Matters Most. I've been writing a series sharing ideas and encouragement from the book, and Mr. Smith wrote and offered FIVE copies of this amazing book for me to give away through Making Home!

Today is the 2nd giveaway. Every day this week you will have an opportunity to win this book. Each day, I'm asking you to answer one question in the comments & leave your name & e-mail information (so that I can get in contact with you if you win)!

Last night, I read a portion of the book where he talks about times of going through the transforming fire of God:

"People who have endured a furnace of transformation attest that there's nothing else like it. The fires can become so hot and furious that the one tested wonders whether survival is possible. ...Once you feel the singe of the fire you begin to give up expectations. You bend low into the process and trust the hands of the One who brought you there. ...The Potter's furnace is where true transformation occurs. Without the heat, and without change, the pot will not last."

TODAY, the question is:

Have you been in a situation like he describes, "a furnace of transformation"? (yes, no, maybe) Please share as much or as little as you like. Consider these questions: are you in a hot spot right now, or have you recently come out of the "Potter's furnace"? Do you bend low into the process & trust the Potter in difficult times, or do you tend to buck and try to make for a more comfortable place? Can you look back in your life and see times when the "heat" in your life actually transformed you and did things that ease & comfort would not have produced in you?

Leave a comment, even if it's a brief one, to be entered into the giveaway. I look forward to reading your comments!

Don't forget to LEAVE A COMMENT w/ your answer, name, and e-mail address!!!

Soul Care: Announcing a DAILY GIVEAWAY!!! (Beginning today)

(Today's giveaway is now closed. Congrats to Jessica B, the winner! Check back each day this week for more chances to win!)

Perhaps you've been keeping up with my recent "soul care" series... all based on a wonderful book I'm reading by Steven W. Smith called Embracing Soul Care: Making Space For What Matters Most. I hope it's been an encouragement for you.

Mr. Smith wrote me and offered up FIVE copies of this amazing book for me to give away through Making Home... I'm so jazzed! Thank you so much to Stephen Smith for this great giveaway!

So many of you have written me, commented, and/or facebooked me, saying what an encouragement these ideas have been to you, and so I can't wait to let FIVE of you get your hands on his amazing book!

Every day this week you will have an opportunity to win this book. Each day, I'll ask you to answer one question in the comments & leave your name & e-mail information (so that I can get in contact with you if you win)!

TODAY, the question is:

Which phrase would you say BEST DESCRIBES the current state of your physical body/physical health?

Used up & spent

Weary but still moving

Mediocre.

Doing pretty good, feeling pretty good

Fantastic!

*** Contest Details: THIS CONTEST HAS ALREADY ENDED. ***

Don't forget to LEAVE A COMMENT w/ your answer, name, and e-mail address!!!

Soul Care #6: The Need for Maintenance

"Does your spiritual life sometimes seem more like a burden than a blessing? Does your spirituality seem to exhaust you as often as it refreshes you? Have your spiritual practices become "just another thing to do" in an already overcrowded, stress-filled schedules? If so, then you need to simplify your spiritual life." ~Donald S. Whitney

Have you ever blown an engine? We did, once. It was embarrassing... it was a very, very old vehicle and we had gone a few additional weeks than we should've without checking (and then recognizing the need to replenish) the oil supply. The effects are disastrous-- once you blow an engine, it is pretty much worthless, all because the oil wasn't properly maintained and things weren't able to move and flow like they should've.

After telling the story of a time he blew an engine, Stephen W. Smith, author of Embracing Soul Care, puts it this way:

"The blown engine became an important symbol in our lives. In the midst of busyness and ministry, I had not maintained my van. It was now too late to simply get a read on the engine by checking the dipstick. It was an expensive mistake. The van needed a replacement engine. That weekend, as the van's engine was replaced, I looked at my own internal engine. The state of my soul was crying out for some serious maintenance. The soul functions much like a car's engine. If we want to function properly for life's long haul, we need to check our soul's dipstick."

If you were to "check the dipstick" of your soul, what would be the reading? Would you be well-oiled, with things running well in your life? Would you be a few quarts low? Would you be bone dry and about to blow?

In what ways could you rescue your souls from burnout by performing regular "dipstick checks" and keeping up more intentional "maintenance" of your soul? Do you need to do like Donald Whitney wrote, and "simplify your spiritual life"?

"Let us test and examine our ways

and return to the Lord!"

~Lamentations 3:40~

Image: hinnamsaisuy / FreeDigitalPhotos.net