Being "Sexy" For Your Husband? (part one)

Q: Got this question from a reader (Annie):
Have you considered [writing about] "being sexy", or the idea that married, Christian women ought to make an effort to be attractive to their husbands, whose emotional well-being is so centered in visual gratification (of his wife) and physical intimacy?
A: Absolutely! This is a very important issue for all women, particularly in our generation (when men and women alike are being fed such WRONG images of beauty/sexiness), and particularly in our culture of Christianity (which has taken cues from Victorian-era ethics which greatly undermine the joy & satisfaction in the marriage relationship). So, let's just do a series about it, shall we? ;)

There are several aspects we should consider when looking at this question:
  1. Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?
  2. Where does the standard of "sexiness" come from?
  3. What is definitely off-limits for Christian marriages?
  4. Should there be a difference in our attitude, countenance, and the way we carry our body in public and in private?
  5. How important is this in a Christian marriage?
I will attempt to unpack these in future segments (and I'm open to any other suggestions or aspects you all may want to think through... e-mail me @ , or leave a comment here), but today, let's just look at aspect #1:

"Should a Christian wife be enticing or seductive towards her own husband?"

For this, there is one very obvious place to look, nearly smack-dab in the center of the Bible: the Song of Solomon. I'll highlight some verses from this book and take them, one at a time, and try to glean some things from them about marital intimacy and seduction. (For the purposes of our discussion, let me clarify that I am defining seducing as "seeking to be attractive to" one's spouse.)

First, let's look at some of what Solomon has to say to his bride:
  • "Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, your neck with a string of jewels" (1:10) - She decorates her face and body to attract him.
  • "Behold, you are beautiful, my love" (1:15) - He finds her attractive. There is no shame or sin in this.
  • He notices (one by one) her eyes, hair, teeth, lips, mouth, cheeks, neck, and breasts and then says, "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." (4:1-7) - Two things to observe about this: (1) He notices her. He sees her face and body and takes pleasure in seeing it, and there is no shame or sin in that. (2) She lets him notice her. She's not hiding herself from him, and she's not ashamed of her body (though Chapter 1 tells us that she doesn't look like every other woman). I have heard so many women who are so embarrassed or self-conscious about their body that they never enjoy intimacy in daylight or any light at all... they have taken to heart the world's messages about what beauty looks like, and it is negatively affecting their marital intimacy. (As I've said before, we're the only godly outlet for our husband's sexual needs and desires!!! God MADE YOU to fulfill your husband's needs in this area!) It is perfectly OK and normal (and even "GOOD", as God declared of His creation in Genesis) for a husband to take visual pleasure in his wife!
  • "You have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace" (4:9) - She is captivating him, enticing him with her eyes... she's not begrudgingly agreeing to intimacy... she's captivating him!
  • "How much better is your love than wine" (4:10) - He finds her addictive and, one could say, "delicious"!
  • He notices (one by one) her feet, thighs, navel, belly, breasts, neck, eyes, nose, and head and then says, "How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights!" (7:1-6) - This time, he's noticing the rest of her body. He's taking delight in every part of her. And she's letting him. Once again, she's not hiding or holding back... she is open towards him in every way, and he takes great pleasure in this!
And let's look at what this bride has to say about her interactions with Solomon:
  • "While [he] was on his couch, my nard (a fragrant herb) gave forth its fragrance" (1:12) - She's prepared for intimacy with him... she has put effort into making a pleasant environment for their time together.
  • "On my bed by night I sought him who my soul loves." (3:1) - This is not just responding or reacting to a husband's desires for intimacy... it reveals a wife who seeks out her husband, who makes intimacy a priority, and who rightly sees intimacy as connected to her love for her husband.
  • "I held him, and would not let him go" (3:4) - This bride wants her husband's physical attentions.
  • "Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits" (4:16) - However you read this (and there are a variety of interpretations), she offers all that she has and the best of what she has to her husband. She's not withholding anything good from him.
  • "My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me." (5:4) - She eagerly awaits the time she'll spend with her beloved.
  • "He is altogether desirable" (5:16) - Not only does she allow him to take delight in her, but she delights herself in him.
  • "Choice fruits... I have laid up for you, O my beloved" (7:13) Again, she prepares the best for him. And she prepares for him.
I can't speak for you, but after reading just these select verses, it is abundantly clear to me that it is not only acceptable, but it is right and good for a wife to be enticing towards her husband.

Our society and Christian culture (which, as I mentioned, has derived a lot of its sexual "morality" from the rigidity and frigidity of Victorian-era morals) have combined forces to heap shame and guilt and self-consciousness on top of Christian women today, and we have not effectively responded to these assaults. Too often, we allow body image to keep us from opening ourselves up to our husband's visual delight. Too often, we allow the truly sinful aspects of our culture's overt seduction (on display 24/7 on TV, movies, and in malls) to lead us to believe that visual and physical seduction is, in itself, sinful.

We need to stand up and rightly stake claim on what can be ours: pure delight and freedom in intimacy within our marriages! On this first aspect, I must answer this: that, opposed to what our pious "Christian" culture might have instilled in us, it is GOOD for a Christian wife to strive to be enticing and seductive towards her husband.

What say you? How do you see this issue? Is it a struggle for you to see physical and visual pleasure in this way? (As always, since this is a sensitive and personal subject, I will publish anonymous comments so that we can speak more honestly.)

Graphic ("Spring", by Alphonse Mucha) from


sparksfley said...

Do I agree with your interpretation? Yes, absolutely. However, I notice with me... Because of all the visual cues we get... I'm not what the "world" considers attractive. And so, I get self-conscious and depressed. I think "How could he possibly find ME attractive." I find that to be my personal demon to wrestle with.

Elspeth said...

Oh! I thought I had just MISSED parts 1 and 2 because I'd been so sporadic in reading the blogs lately. Thanks for starting at the beginning! And again, this is a great post!

Unknown said...

excellent post!!! I really have nothing to add to it... except to remember to file it away for future discussions with my own children.

Anonymous said...

This is great. thanks for writing on what could be a tricky topic. I completely agree with being sexy for my husband. I think the world is very narrow in its view of what is beautiful and sexy, which can hang us up in our minds as we look at stretch marks and hanging whatever. But I find that if I just focus on my husband and what brings him pleasure, rather than focus on warped belly we are both happier.

Andrea said...

Excellent, well-thought out and presented thoughts.
I think this series is neccesary for Christian women!

I do agree we should entice and pleasure our husbands. How this looks like is such an individual thing. It really goes hand in hand also with our appearance and pleasing our husbands. For example, some husbands prefer a coifed hairstyle and full makeup. Some husbands prefer no makeup and a ponytail! The key is pleasing your *own* husband, I think. This can help with a *standard* you are looking for, instead of looking to Christian culture standard or worldly standard.

looking forward to reading more!

Jess Connell said...


Did you sneak a peek into my blogger dashboard and pre-read my post #2 in this series?!? ;)


Tracy said...

Wonderful! and I agree with Andrea. We need to do what pleases OUR OWN husbands.

Anonymous said...

I agree that it's hard with how the world has viewed's made it difficult for me to focus on what my own hubby thinks is beautiful (because I am the one caught up in how "the other women" look)

Catherine R. said...

I must admit, this area is not always easy for me. Part of me just wants to "get it over with"...I know he wants it so I make myself available to him often, but I find myself intensly uncomfortable being nude and basically thinking there's no point of me trying to like it because it I basically never do. I sometimes think it's easier to just pretend I'm into it. Funny, as I have had sexual relations with, let's just say, more men than I can count on both hands, and my husband has been with less than he can count on one. my extensive "experience" might be part of the problem. Also, I have experienced some unfortunate things in childhood at the hands of someone who did not have my best interest in mind. I know they say all this stuff about how your past effects you and it just seems so complicated and tiring to try to "undo" I don't feel I have the strength or know where to start. Truly part of me thinks I am too screwed up to hope for making things right, but hey, that's where Jesus comes in, right? I know what I am doing right now probably isn't a good long-term plan but it is difficult for me to even begin to explain how hard this is for me. I do want to change, any input would be appreciated. : )

Rebekah said...

I have to admit that I take great pleasure in being sexy for my hubbie, but it has been a long time coming! There is much for a godly woman to wade through in this area, and it has taken many years for me to have a clear understanding. You have listed wonderful points with the scripture to back them up, and I know this series will surely help to teach and encourage women with the truth. I'm so glad that you are posting on this because I think that it is so important for christian women to know that being sexy for our husbands is alright. It takes awhile to change our thinking because of the fear and guilt that our "pious christian culture has instilled in us" as you mentioned, while at the same time the constant bombardment of unrealistic female images can lead us to feel inadequate and painfully insecure. But thankfully, by learning the truth and letting it soak in, God can change our hearts and minds about it and give us freedom and much pleasure in this area of our lives.
I look forward to the rest of your series!

Anonymous said...

You are so right that we need to realize that our husbands find us attractive, and let them see us.

I was shopping for something sexy to wear for Valentine's Day, and every store I went to didn't carry lingerie in a bra size small enough. Talk about a mood killer! I went home and cried and cried. :(

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the rest of your posts.


p.s. Catherine R.-- Have you tried counseling? I had a bad experience (rape) in my past, and I went to a therapist for 3-4 months after I hit rock bottom... It was great. I am so much better now-- just talking about my experiences and thoughts, etc. helped me so much. I'll be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely agree! :)

Anonymous said...

Absolutely wonderful post, and this looks to be a super series! It is so important that we take a thoroughly biblical view of sexuality. It wasn't "invented" after the Fall! God created it good from the beginning, and He has graciously given us an entire book in His Word to celebrate the beauty of the "secret garden" of marriage.

I can't resist a quick defense of the Victorians, however! It's actually a myth that they were repressed and prudish. There's a wonderful chapter on this in The Benevolence of Manners by Linda Lichter. She quotes extensively from Victorian literature and correspondence (and much from Queen Victoria herself) about marital intimacy, and it usually takes first-time readers by surprise! Those Victorians had a very healthy view of marital intimacy. It's really at the feet of the Quakers and Unitarians that we can lay the blame for a gnostic view of sexuality. Reading those mid-19th-century New England Unitarians shows where the unhealthy, unbiblical views of marital intimacy came from. For contrast, you can read the journals and correspondence of godly husbands and wives (particularly in the very Scots Presbyterian South) to find passionate and beautiful odes to married love -- yep, even in the Victorian Era!

Just had to throw in my two cents in defense of our forebears. Not all of them looked upon the marriage bed with a jaundiced eye. It was Queen Victoria herself who teased her doctor after he told her to hold back for a while after the birth of one of her last children, saying (I kid you not), "What? You mean I can't have any more fun?" ;-) She was madly in love with her husband and had no problem expressing it openly!

Looking forward to the rest of the series!

Jess Connell said...

I think for many of us, that is a difficult thing... we are so inundated with images that "TELL US" what "beautiful" means that we never are able to figure out what "beautiful" is for us as individuals, or for us as godly women.

I'd encourage you just to keep on striving to be what YOU can be and please the husband that God gave YOU. He didn't make you for every man on earth- He made you for one man, so take time to find out what pleases him and then work towards that. Your husband chose YOU, so clearly you are beautiful to him! :) Hang in there; I know it's a struggle to deal with internal messages that tell you that you're less than what you see around you.

I want to echo what Emily wrote in the "P.S." of her comment. I would highly encourage you to talk with a pastor or counselor trained in dealing with sexual abuse and other sexual issues. Many, many women who are abused go on to have many of the same experiences you have-- sexual interaction with many men, followed by discontentedness in marital intimacy.

It is a lie from the enemy that would tell you that you need to: "get it over with" or think that "there's no point of you trying to like it". God made intimacy not only for procreation and for oneness -- but He specifically created the nerve endings and specific parts to be pleasurable. It IS possible for you to not only like it, but to desire it and enjoy it immensely. I would suggest working with a counselor, and then possibly talking with a doctor also to see if there are physical issues.

You're right, too, to point to your experiences as something that may be hurting your present enjoyment. I found that I needed to specifically repent of everything I could remember and ask for God's restorative work in my heart and life so that I could be "complete" for my husband and be completely committed to him alone-- in my thoughts, sensations, and mind. A well-trained counselor can help "walk" you through past memories and wade through all the junk to find forgiveness and freedom from the baggage that comes with it.

I hope this helps you get onto a path of freedom in this area-- it IS possible, and God means for this to be an area of delight that can be for your good and for His glory!

I too have had those "bummer" moments (for different reasons-- everything I find is made in S and XS and --for some reason :) -- all the L and XL sizes aren't on the rack. I know it can kill your mood. I'll be sharing some links in a couple of posts that may give you some options for online purchases... and also, I've found it helpful to go into a lingerie store and get specific help from a clerk. They're trained in helping you find the right sizes and they are SO not bashful about measuring you and making suggestions. It's humbling, but I've always found it helpful to have an "advocate" (so to speak) that can go out, assess the store, and figure out what they have that might work for me. You may have tried that, but if not, perhaps that could help in the future.

I figured there would be someone out there who would call me on the Victorian reference! ;) I have heard before that they were very open, but in writing this, wasn't thinking about that and was just thinking about the typical perceptions in that area. When I went back and re-read it, it did occur to me that that wasn't really what I was meaning to say, but I left it because I was being lazy. :)

I think you're right to lay the "blame" on early Americans for these views of purity/chastity that don't mesh with the freedom we find in the biblical text. (Although I haven't done enough research there to be certain about even that!)

On a sidenote, I remember hearing on a documentary about Susan B Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton that it basically disgusted Anthony that Stanton would trade in her "freedom" for a few moments of pleasure by getting pregnant for the fifth, sixth, and seventh times. Anthony (a single woman) wished that Stanton could be as free and unrestrained as she was to work on women's issues and it was frustrating to her that Stanton sought pleasure over the freedom to do the work. The choices of our ancestors were much more difficult than those that we face in our post-birth control era, with modern-understandings of cycles/NFP that will help even those who don't want to use typical temporary or permanent birth control methods. ANyway, I just thought that was interesting. ;)

Thanks for all the comments so far... I'm looking forward to hearing more from you as we dig in more to this issue.

Mrs. Anna T said...

Jess, what a great post. How is a husband supposed to "rejoice in the wife of his youth" when she will not open up to him? Physical attraction and sexuality are a part of healthy married life. Each young woman should study the issue before marriage, I think.

Anonymous said...

I was raped when I was 15 and it took me a long time to deal with the pain, fear and other issues. I also had pre-marital sex with my husband and that is something that we both had to ask for forgiveness, receive that forgiveness and move forward as a couple. The enemy used both situations to control our sex life until we both were able to put God in control. Thankfully we have had a very healthy and fulfilling sex life since then.
I do get discouraged with many of my female friends and family members who speak so negatively about having sex with their husbands. Many actually use/withhold sex as a bargaining tool. I often feel like the outcast because I actually desire sex with my husband. Thanks for giving us a safe zone to discuss our feelings on this topic!

Joy said...

I'm so glad you are writing this story, Jess. It's been much on my mind lately. As usual, Rebekah said it better than I ever could. *sly wink at my sweet friend*

I think I struggle the most with the preparation part- of my heart and my body. I find it so difficult to switch gears. I know the newborn sleep deprivation has so much to do with this...but ach. You've given me so much to think on. Thank you!

Jess Connell said...

Hey Joy,
Thanks for your comments... I know what you mean. I've found that it's helpful to not ever let the fire die out. Essentially, I mean that we can sometimes go too long between times of intimacy, and then it takes that much MORE mental and physical effort to "get into it".

A friend of mine put it this way: sex is kind of like a campfire. If you keep it roaring hot, and you keep consistently adding logs to the fire, it can stay roaring hot... and you can even let it die down some, but just recognize that it will take more stoking and work to get it roaring hot again the next time. But if you let it die down altogether to where it's just smoke and burnt embers, you're going to have to start the whole process over again, and it will feel like drudgery.

The easiest thing, really, is to keep it going... To keep it on your mind... To live in a way that you really take delight in your husband, and intimacy doesn't feel like leaping across a great divide, but feels more like a natural extension of your day (because you've been thinking about him throughout the day anyway).

It's actually similar, in this way, to our relationship with God. Quiet times seem like such a BIG step, unless you're doing them consistently. Then it's not such a big struggle. It's just a wonderful and natural part of life.

Intimacy can be the same way... if we keep the home fires burning, it's much easier to heat things back up than it is if we've let things fizzle or cool off completely.


Jess Connell said...

Thank you for sharing your story. God can and DOES heal women from all sorts of difficult pasts... you and I stand together as testimonies of His faithfulness in that area!

And PRAISE HIM that it IS POSSIBLE to have not just a mediocre sex life after a troubling past-- but even a wonderfully thrilling one! :)

It is also difficult for me to hear negativity towards sex and husbands from Christian women... and that's one of the reasons I'm so passionate about writing about this and shedding on light on something that I believe can make SUCH a tremendous impact on our culture, on our children, and on our marriages.

Thanks again for being transparent.

I look forward to hearing more from you all as we delve further into this topic!

Lylah Ledner said...

Hi Jess....i'm LOVING your continued topic on SEX! You Go Girl! And, how kind of you to add a link to my thoughts.

I've got another post to add on the subject - that should be a nice compliment.

YES! Taking back the ground the enemy has stolen.....

blessings on you! lylah

Jess Connell said...

I'm glad you're enjoying the series so far-- I'll have the second one up tomorrow.

And I can't really honestly take credit for the link to your blog here on this post. ... Blogger just automatically seeks and finds those other blogs that link to other blogs and notes those links at the bottom of the post they link to. ;)

But it IS how I found you and commented on your post! :) SO, thank you, Blogger!!!

Anonymous said...

Just a note to Sparksfley: I understand the feeling you've described. It's not the most pleasant thing in the world to feel like you can never measure up to what the world says is acceptable. For me, it's my fair skin. I'm not kidding, I have had people, both men & women, say the rudest things to me concerning this. I have dark brown hair, & I guess people just see that & automatically think I should tan in the summertime. I don't. I never have. And of course, everyone knows, don't they, that women who are tanned are more beautiful? (tongue definitely in my cheek). And yes, even my husband believes this, & it has been a very sore issue between us, as it has made me shy with him. I mean, who would even want moonlight or candlelight shining on their naked body, much less sunlight, during physical intimacy? So I say, to any single men who might be reading this, decide beforehand what you deem attractive in a woman. Don't pursue someone genetic "faults", such as the one I possess, & then expect her to give of herself happily.

with regrets,

Catherine R. said...

I hope I didn't sound negative towards my husband in my previous post (Jess is probably not talking about me). I love him dearly and want him to be happy, so that's why I feel bad that I have trouble enjoying myself for his sake as well as mine. I do realize that it's important not to deprive him but it's also my goal to not have to live my whole life pretending I like it. I appreciate the kind words directed towards me, I think I really need to make a concious effort to look at this issue head on instead of hoping it will go away on it's own. Yes, prayer will be a part of this. I am not sure about counseling. Maybe this is wrong of me but I am sort of tired of being in and out of counseling with mixed results.

Jess Connell said...

Oh, Catherine, I don't think either of us were talking about you... you definitely weren't talking about your husband in a negative way. You were being honest and transparent about your situation.

Both she and I were, I think, talking about friends and family who talk negatively about their husbands and their intimate life.

You are right to take this issue head on. Until we do, the enemy LOVES to use this against us and use it to affect so many aspects of our lives-- the way we see ourselves, our husbands, and God-- the way we carry ourselves-- our intimacy with our husbands... and he can lead us into self-condemnation and feelings of poor self-worth. I would still encourage you in the counseling aspect. Perhaps you need to research well and find someone who can do BIBLICAL sexual counseling-- helping you to see your past in light of Scripture rather than in light of your own guilt and shame or in light of cultural perceptions.

I pray that God will lead you to someone who can truly help you reclaim this area as an area where God can be glorified in your life and in your marriage!


Jess Connell said...

Then you truly are just like Solomon's bride in this passage. She was ridiculed by the other women of her day for her brown skin, and you have felt this for your pale skin.

Thank you for sharing your story- I pray that God will give you freedom from this pain that has followed you, as you said, all due to biology and God's design for you.


Kelly @ The Barefoot Mama said...

Bravo, I couldn't agree more!! I know that my husband feels great when he sees that I desire him...which is exactly what being seductive in a Christian marriage is all about. I hear a lot from other women about how they don't look like society's standard of beauty or sexiness, but, trust me, that doesn't matter to a husband. Any time I say to mine, "Ugh, I hate that I still have 20 lbs on me from when Grace (our daughter) was born". He always says quickly in return, "Kelly, I used to be 20 lbs lighter, too!" LOL! It's not about looks, just like it's not about letting yourself become slovenly and unhealthy either, but sexiness and seduction in marriage is about keeping the fire lit by desiring one another, having fun with each other and remembering that it's about the zeal you have in life (living with a cheerful heart like Scripture says) that makes everything soooo great!

Awesome post, and I'm so glad to have stumbled upon your blog!

Anonymous said...

Catherine, I, too, went through years of counseling with almost no results until I found a nouthetic counselor. She dealt with my feelings expressly through Biblical interpreation. Not until I learned to look at my past through God's eyes did He give me healing. You could either ask your pastor or go to to find a counselor. Be careful, though. I went to several 'Christian' counselors whose only nod to Christ was to pray before we started. A great place to start, but I needed Him all through my work. Now I love being with my husband. You CAN find healing, but no, it won't go away on its own. God be with you in your healing!

dfreemayo said...

This is a great post!!

Sparksfley -- please don't be discouraged. What the world believes is what has been twisted by Satan. We are all wonderfully and fearfully made by God. Our very being is in His image and there is nothing unattractive about the Creator. Sometimes we can limit our beauty by what we think of ourselves. Ask the Lord to give you confidence in YOU. Look in the mirror and say to yourself daily, "I am beautiful. I was hand crafted by God." Try it.

God loves you and your husband loves you. Don't be ashamed of yourself nor depressed because those are tricks of Satan. He seeks to steel, kill, and destroy. Start living in the image of God and your true beauty and you'll see a real change in your life.

With many blessings and prayer for your ability to overcome this stronghold.

Anonymous said...

I read this blog this morning and have not been able to stop thinking about it. I am a stay at home mom of almost 5. I have been pregnant for most of the last 6 years. My body is, well, not what it used to be- if you know what I mean. And so I struggle with the thoughts of sexiness and such. I am ok with the way that I look. My body is evidence of the children that I have and that is amazing to me. But I still want my husband to "want" me. Most days I don't get dressed and most weeks where I only shower on church days, because I am so worn out from mommyhood and being pregnant that I just don't have time. And so I struggle. But this had me thinking. Who says what is beautiful? Do we allow the media or our friends to dictate to us what is beauty? Or should I ask my husband what he thinks? I did that, I sent him an email asking him my concerns and he said this: "If you want to be attractive to me, show me that you want me... Nothing else really matters..." Here I was thinking that I was gonna have to take a shower :P and put makeup on, get dressed... And that was all he needed from me. I would encourage all you ladies to do the same, ask your husband what he wants.

Gombojav Tribe said...

This series is my blog pick of the week! Good stuff!!

helpmeetintraining said...

I'm so late finding this but I'm so glad I did. I'll have to come back to read the rest of the series soon!

I think that being seductive towards our husbands is so important. I mean, it really doesn't take much more effort to say "OH yes please!" than to say "ugh fine" but it will make such a difference to him! :)

A happy heart at home said...

Excellent!! I totally agree. I also appreciate the other comments, especially helpmeetintraining's.

I think a very important part of your post is your point that it's right and good for the wife to "let" her husband delight in the sight of her. I know, for myself, I allow the fact that I am overweight to cause me to feel less attractive, but I make the effort to *not* let that affect my physical relationship with my husband. Every day he tells me he loves me and calls me 'gorgeous.' :)

Anonymous said...

Awesome commentary! Your perspective is right on! I have never heard anyone expound on The Song like that. Paticularly the part about him loving all of her even though she is not like other women. Maybe she was chunky?



Anonymous said...

Hi Jess! I am new to this site (like I just found out about it a couple of days ago) and find it truly awesome.
I just have one thing to comment on in regard to Catherine R. This is such a sensitive topic and I certainly do not want to play down rapes, etc. ANY TYPE of sexual abuse is wrong, hurtful, damaging, etc., etc. However, being a victim myself and one who has gone through several therapists, unless it is something you have gone through it is truly difficult to understand.
Catherine did not mention who her abuser was and I respect her choice for that. And please, once again to the individual(s) that were raped, forgive me - I am not downplaying your experience in any way. However, when it was your own father, as was in my case, it is an exceptionally fragile conversation to have with anyone.
It is a very painful and lonely place to be.
Although prayer and therapy have helped some, I understand the dismay that Catherine is feeling. I have felt like "used goods" from the get go and unfortunately, with the exception of actual intercourse, my father abused me in every way that a man would typically attempt in foreplay. I still find myself completely leaving (emotionally) during any intimacy.
It is difficult to see something that is supposed to be so natural and so beautiful also be sooo confusing. However, I too, continue to pray for peace in this area.
I know where you are coming from Catherine, and sadly so do too many others. I will continue to pray for all of us.

Lylah Ledner said...

thanks for adding my 30 day sex challenge to your comment section.

what a VERY important subject to continue to "chat" about.

i've added this post tonight:

perhaps it continues to have value for women to encourage them in this area of Celebration!

keep up the good work!


Anonymous said...

I just came on this from Lylah's blog, and it's something I've been thinking of. To be honest, I fall very short in this area. I've been good at staying attractive to my husband, and he loves to look at me and all that, and he's attractive to me as well. But sex is just such a chore. So much less interesting than anything else I can think of, and I have such a hard time trying to be interested.

I want my husband to know he's loved, but it's so hard to fake interest or enthusiasm for that chore. I don't know why-- selfishness, perhaps. I occasionally get in the mood and don't mind being looked at or touched, but it's so hard to get there when I'm not, and I know he'd love to have me fully into it more.

Ack-- how to change this? Faking interest doesn't really fool anyone, I don't think. I'm not a very good actress. I've never been able to act seductive when I didn't feel that way. I just have a 'blah' feeling about it. So frustrating. I will keep trying, but it's definitely a "duty" (I Cor.) rather than a pleasure at this point, and I think it will be a miracle if that changes.

Laura said...

To anonymous,
I can relate to frequently not feeling in the mood. What has helped me is understanding that this is a good thing. Also, it helps to have it in my mind all day. Wear something under your clothes all day that remind you of what you are going to do. Also, keep a few sex instruction books on hand that discuss the subject without anything weird going on. Reading these out loud to each other can be helpful. Also, to be rather frank, in order to respond to my husband, I really have to concentrate on everything. I have to not let my thoughts be anywhere but with my husband. It's easy to think that sex is just feelings, but in some ways it's also work. You have to work at it to make it work for you. Also, keep things humorous. Sometimes the best way to get in the mood is to have a tickle fight! Laugh--sex can be hilarious!!! but you can't take things too seriously.
Also, doing kegel exercises can help strenghten the necessary muscles.
Something I have also discovered is that much of how I viewed sex was how I saw my own parents NOT interact. Whenever my dad tried to get close to my mom(not inappropriately), she would push him away, and was extremely modest and never made it seem like she was attracted to him outside the bedroom. I never saw a wife respond in a positive way to her husband. I've had to learn as I go!

Anonymous said...

How remarkable that I as a Christian wife and mother went to my Google search engine and typed in "How to seem more sexy to your husband," nd this is what I came accross. I want to thank you for even having concerns to reach out for other Christian women who may need spiritual advice. I used to struggle with feeling not beautiful enough at times, only due to the fact that after children some features arent the way they used to appear. Althogh through faith and time of realizing my husband loves that particular appearance even though they have changed(smaller in appearance:) I know and believe that husbands will love us for us. I do agree 100% that we need to be sexy, and enticing to our husband, and we shall WANT to desire him, and want him to desire us. I like the thought of KEEPING IT IN OUR MIND ALL DAY to help us with THE MOOD, that is going to be my next challenge that I look forward to trying. It is so easy now days to be tired, or just not in the mood, because of work, or cleaning house, taking care of our children and normal housewive duties. I struggle at times of not feeling in the mood but knowing I want to be in the mood for my husband and myself. Thank You so much I really enjoyed your post.
Kelly Gault

nene said...

I always wish my husband would delite in my body and find it pleasurable but I can't help but hide my body which already has flaws just at 24. I feel really bad I can't give him want he has always hoped for.

Anonymous said...

Luv luv luv this site. 9/19/13


Anonymous said...

Great Advice!
We as women need to be more confident even though we have been deceived by years of contradictions and double standard from the media which is dominated by men. And to think, they expect for us to move forward after we have seen and heard about beautiful women's pictures and other standards of beauty that have been set for us.

It really takes a lot for a woman to let go of these feelings of insecurity. Media did not play tricks on men. They told them to be wide open and did not criticize their waistlines and smooth skin. :)

I think women do pretty well considering.


Rose said...

I'm 60 years old and still struggle regarding my sexualities. "Used goods" is a perfect way to identify with my insecurities. My heart tenderly is searching for relief from poor choices from forty years ago. The clearest message that is getting in my heart toward my husband is this. It's truly not the way I look, it's the way I love. I did not get married to stay a me. I got married to be a part of a we. I found this site in search of understanding the difference between being sexual and being sexually desirable to my husband. I've heard it from my own husband, however when I read someone's post about asking her husband what he finds attractive and her husband told her he just wanted to know that she wants him brought me to cleansing tears. I pray the Lord will direct my thoughts and heart and life toward restoration and completeness for my relationship with my husband. I pray the same for all women that struggle knowing how to enjoy their husbands desire for their wives attentions. After all, isn't that what we want too?
I'm praying that my love and attention will reflect back to fulfill my need for love and attention in return.