tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post5601592661678042432..comments2024-03-29T01:05:17.952-05:00Comments on Making Home: Husband on Wife-Imposed Rice DietJess Connellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-73566008336946089852013-09-11T10:35:07.164-05:002013-09-11T10:35:07.164-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Carriannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16211331445632405871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-69430912860215890152013-09-11T10:30:20.118-05:002013-09-11T10:30:20.118-05:00My husband always says, "Sex is like pizza. E...My husband always says, "Sex is like pizza. Even when it's day-old and cold, it's still pretty good." Sorry, I couldn't resist. Love this article. Not at all what I expected. Carriannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16211331445632405871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-9928492757719922682008-12-25T20:57:00.000-06:002008-12-25T20:57:00.000-06:00This is a great post. It's so funny b/c I've been ...This is a great post. It's so funny b/c I've been reading a book recently that has been saying the same thing and now, reading this post, has really hit it home with me. :)Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09642443725317007012noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-66445809526863700132008-10-10T01:43:00.000-05:002008-10-10T01:43:00.000-05:00Hi Jess,I think the analogy given is fitting and m...Hi Jess,<BR/><BR/>I think the analogy given is fitting and may be helpful.<BR/><BR/>If anything I could do I would only ask readers to consider that the analogy is perhaps more <B>mild</B> than the reality.<BR/><BR/>(I believe you already understand this but I'm writing to explain my comment.)<BR/><BR/>When a husband and wife enter into marriage, they enter into a partnership in the area of sexual sharing which is a bit unique and different from almost any other aspect of human relationship.<BR/><BR/>The two of you trust and depend on one another for fulfillment! It's not possible to have fulfillment alone, and it's a sin to pursue fulfillment with anyone else.<BR/><BR/>The picture is one of intense inter-dependency. Intense trusting of one another in this dimension of life -- that each will pursue the other's fulfillment.<BR/><BR/>Returning to analogy, I picture a scene in which each man or woman individually has only one arm and can hold only a single chopstick. You cannot pick up rice or anything else with a single chopstick; you cannot eat.<BR/><BR/>When a husband and wife marry they enter into a lifetime agreement to feed one another. Each one of you has a chopstick that is vital to either of you eating (at all).<BR/><BR/>If you think about it, it's most likely that you'll be able to see how ***beautiful*** this picture is. The partnership in fulfilling needs that God designed so that they cannot be met alone. Trust, kindness, giving, intense inter-dependency. Partnership carried out with character.<BR/><BR/>Now, what do you think happens to the relationship when one spouse says "Well, yeah, you're depending on me for partnership and fulfillment, but I just don't care about this part of life."<BR/><BR/>Guys, and in fewer cases women, believe they've entered into this very spiritually significant partnership which is SIN to stray from, only to find after-the-fact that their spouse is telling them "you can go starve."<BR/><BR/>I think that we as a people have become so accustomed to deprivation that I don't think we're sensitive anymore to just how bad/ugly of a thing we're doing to our spouse when we treat them this way.<BR/><BR/>(And I'm not talking about physical disabilities, disease, and so forth, many of which can be "worked around" to create a sexual relationship of SOME kind for our spouse.)<BR/><BR/>One more thought: what about Matthew 5:23-24? How are we doing if we already know, without even being told, that our spouse is continually feeling left-in-the-lurch by us sexually?<BR/><BR/>Is the prevailing attitude, "He's just a man, so I'm <B>supposed</B> to make him unsatisfied in this area all the time."? <BR/><BR/>Or in fewer cases, "She's a woman, and I 'know' that women have lower desire so whatever I give her should be good enough."?<BR/><BR/>Disclaimer: I have been sensitized to this issue because in the past my wife told me it was possible that I would die childless because she would refuse partnership in sexual intimacy with me .... her stated preference was to practice an asexual relationship.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-30286763342687610492008-07-29T20:20:00.000-05:002008-07-29T20:20:00.000-05:00Hi Jess,Yet another comment rolls in about this po...Hi Jess,<BR/>Yet another comment rolls in about this post!<BR/>I loved it... although I've read similar things before, it's always very valuable to get a reminder- of course we don't go around with these thoughts continually in our heads!!<BR/><BR/>I have read a couple of great books which have helped me in this area- "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn and "Red Hot Monogamy" by Bill & Pam Farrell. By the sounds of things, you might definitely enjoy that one yourself! (Hee hee!)<BR/>Thanks to these books and some quality communication, I think the quality of our 'dinners' has definitely improved.Juliet Fieldewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07084620373595586565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-23390258133117381012008-07-03T22:34:00.000-05:002008-07-03T22:34:00.000-05:00Carolyn Mahaney had the best advice I've heard on ...Carolyn Mahaney had the best advice I've heard on this subject. To a new mom, " Make him a PB & J for dinner and give him great sex after" -- made me think to prioritize, according to my husband's preferences, not my own (think Phil.2:2-3). Also, she mentioned in the same speech that our goal as wives should be to make him say, "Mercy" during intimacy, in that we should "wow" our husbands, break out of that sex routine and maybe even wear something a little risque! <BR/>Great post.<BR/>I appreciated reading your responses, Jess, to readers, that you are addressing what we as wives can do, not anyone elses' behavior, etc. You are much more gentle and tactful than I have been mentally as I've read a few of these comments.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13710323317475808061noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-83437746743316899772008-06-29T18:58:00.000-05:002008-06-29T18:58:00.000-05:00Oh dear! I know exactly what it's like to write a...Oh dear! I know exactly what it's like to write a post like this and IMMEDIATELY someone jumps in and says "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HUSBAND!!!" Yeh, see ... I'm not writing to your husband. I'm writing to all of us women and discussing OUR responsibility. I stand by you, sister.ckjollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06263260525667337446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-80252254795871995942008-06-08T12:23:00.000-05:002008-06-08T12:23:00.000-05:00You're very welcome. I love your blog, by the way...You're very welcome. I love your blog, by the way. I'm thinking we would not agree with every thing were we to "hash it out" but I like the tone and the content of what you have to say and I appreciate your faithfulness.<BR/><BR/>When men are "trained" to be jerks, and women are "trained" to obey men, only heartache can follow unless this pattern is changed. I have two boys, and my husband and I are trying to however imperfectly model a world where men and women love and respect each other--that whole for better or for worse thing that we are commissioned to redeem in our broken world as married people.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-87775098426917521172008-06-08T00:33:00.000-05:002008-06-08T00:33:00.000-05:00Oh, THANK YOU, Madge. I had no idea where that co...Oh, THANK YOU, Madge. I had no idea where that comment had come from, as I didn't remember saying anything of the sort. <BR/><BR/>The reason I don't remember it is because that wasn't how I meant it... but now I see how it could be taken that way. What I was meaning is that some men are so hell-bent on porn, having an affair, etc., that there isn't anything anyone can do about it one way or another. Of course it is still their responsibility, and of course it is still sin.<BR/><BR/>Now I understand. Sorry for the confusion. Yes, sin is the responsibility of the sinner. At the same time, if there are other responsibilities (like being a responsive, loving wife) that I'M not carrying out, then I believe I'LL be held accountable for those things too. Does that make more sense?<BR/><BR/>OK. Anyway, thanks, Madge for quoting me so I could see where that was coming from.Jess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-13630435606350089902008-06-07T22:28:00.000-05:002008-06-07T22:28:00.000-05:00I think that, in all honesty, the best way that ki...I think that, in all honesty, the best way that kids can learn about the meaning of sex is by figuring out that their parents ENJOY it. Of course discretion is important, but unless one lives in the Biltmore mansion it has its' limits :) <BR/><BR/>It's not unlike breastfeeding to me: I'd rather my boys learn about the female anatomy by them seeing me breastfeed than through the Victorias' Secret catalogue or some other, worse, source. As far as I can see, that's part of the deal about living in families, right? <BR/><BR/>We want to be our kids's "go to" for all things, particularly things like this. Like some of the other posters I worry that the concern with modesty goes too far, and interferes with the conversations we need to have with our families and our spouses.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-82944270684934089912008-06-07T15:30:00.000-05:002008-06-07T15:30:00.000-05:00Not to be nitpicky, because I AGREE with the gener...Not to be nitpicky, because I AGREE with the general premise of this original post and I think it is well written and pretty dang funny ;)<BR/><BR/>You did say in an earlier reply that "some men opt for sin. . . .and that can't be prevented or helped" <BR/><BR/>I just don't buy it, any more than a woman in a short skirt or walking to her car late at night somehow deserves to get raped or a woman ever deserves to be abused in a marriage or other relationship. Men are moral agents, too, and what they do with their minds and hearts and private parts--no matter how enticing the temptation--is entirely their responsibility. <BR/><BR/>I guess I say this because I've been the rice server, postpartum, significantly overweight, exhausted, covered with baby spit, and it took a lot of faith in my husband to know he could go on a business trip and be faithful! Now we're eating better, and the fact that I could trust him during that time is part of the reason why.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-43371347068343172082008-06-07T00:46:00.000-05:002008-06-07T00:46:00.000-05:00Mrs. C,LOL, I guess we'll just have to agree to di...Mrs. C,<BR/>LOL, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. <BR/><BR/>For the record, I didn't say that kids hearing and/or seeing their parents while engaged in lovemaking was healthy or good-- what I implied was that it is good for them to know that their parents still love each other and healthy that they know that their parents do stuff behind closed doors that is off-limits for others. <BR/><BR/>I'm sick of the cultural "wisdom" that says that the only people having good, fun sex are partner-switching singles in their 20's and 30's. And I DEFINITELY don't want my kids to internalize that message. So if at some point they know that mom and dad spend some "alone time" together occasionally during the day, well, I'd be OK with that. I'm not saying everyone has to. But I'm saying I think it's OK.<BR/><BR/>Blessings,<BR/>JessJess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-28560947955774826782008-06-07T00:33:00.000-05:002008-06-07T00:33:00.000-05:00Madge,I don't know where you're looking to derive ...Madge,<BR/>I don't know where you're looking to derive an idea that I would say "sin can't be helped". Particularly in quotes-- Madge, I don't believe I've ever said any such thing; I would never intend to communicate that.<BR/><BR/>At the same time, there are certainly situations we can put ourselves OR others in that would make sin more likely. Thus, the seductive woman calling out from her home in Proverbs, looking for a man to snare. Thus, the command not to deprive one another "so that the devil may not tempt you because of your lack of self control". <BR/><BR/>Yes, sin is sin. Of course. <BR/><BR/>And yes, sin is the responsibility of the person who commits it. But sometimes others play a part in it as well. Influencing it or making it more likely to happen. (For example, the whole "Bathsheba shouldn't have been sitting up on the rooftop nekkid" thing.) ;)<BR/><BR/>~JessJess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-47483128838063213852008-06-06T22:00:00.000-05:002008-06-06T22:00:00.000-05:00Jess said, "Heck, for thousands of years, kids all...Jess said, "Heck, for thousands of years, kids all around the world have slept near enough to their parents to hear and sometimes even SEE what was going on ... so for your kids to know that married men and women totally love each other and still "do it"... well, I kind of think that's really healthy actually.<BR/>"<BR/><BR/>This rice analogy was a great blog post, but I do not agree with children seeing or hearing closed door intimacy from their parents. It is not good or healthy.<BR/>Yes, help your husband and enjoy your time together, but close and lock the door and be DISCREET.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-1593835133404648222008-06-06T21:11:00.000-05:002008-06-06T21:11:00.000-05:00Jess,I've got to disagree with you about the notio...Jess,<BR/><BR/>I've got to disagree with you about the notion that "sin can't be helped". <BR/><BR/>That's why marriage is a vow, because it is hard but necessary for urges to be contained. Sin is sin, and that does sound like a a little bit of an excuse. Adultery is always the responsiblity of the married person who chooses to stray, period.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-66379618713951747892008-06-06T07:59:00.000-05:002008-06-06T07:59:00.000-05:00This post is such a good parable, it could have be...This post is such a good parable, it could have been written in the bible! *lol*<BR/><BR/>Amen! I love it! Christian women are confused sometimes.. they got the whole 'modesty' thing going on.. you know.. long dresses.. covered hair.. and then they forget they're not supposed to play that act for their husbands as well.. ;)<BR/><BR/>I love your post! Absolutely love it! We have a saying here that says 'when the dogs don't eat at home, they will eat in the streets'.... and of course that's just taking it one step too far, but the thought's the same..<BR/><BR/>Greetings from holland!Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06021892170202864510noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-17472840859675326312008-06-04T09:36:00.000-05:002008-06-04T09:36:00.000-05:00This past weekend my husband and went to a confere...This past weekend my husband and went to a conference and hour away and had some uninterrupted talk time as we drove. I mentioned this article and he said it was one of the best word pictures he has ever heard relating to marital intimacy. It sparked some great discussion. Thanks for posting it.Kate https://www.blogger.com/profile/08165240371793652393noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-39339991051348259602008-06-03T14:47:00.000-05:002008-06-03T14:47:00.000-05:00I totally disagree with this line of thinking and ...I totally disagree with this line of thinking and think it is a bad road to get on. Whether intentional or not, it is saying that a woman is to blame if a man strays. A man is to love his wife as himself... in sickness and in health. If she has issues, they are their issues and he needs to work with her on them, not tell her she is "boring rice." If "boring rice" is all he ever ate, I imagine he would be quite pleased with it. As far as temptations go, that is what the Holy Spirit is for.<BR/>I could understand and agree with a post that says a wife (or a husband for that matter) need not have hang-ups in the bedroom. Whatever BOTH are comfortable with, is fine. But giving that advice after talking about 'boring rice' and temptation... is just wrong IMO.<BR/>What would your advice be to a woman who was tired of her boring husband who just sat around on the couch all day and did nothing?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-85267296263222549662008-06-03T09:02:00.000-05:002008-06-03T09:02:00.000-05:00I stumbled onto your blog and I just have to say.....I stumbled onto your blog and I just have to say...WOW girl!!!! :o) Keep it coming! I've enjoyed your insites and discussions and judging from the amount of comments you generate...you're touching lots of lives! I'll be checking back frequently!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-59676584786041239102008-06-01T08:36:00.000-05:002008-06-01T08:36:00.000-05:00Jess, I currently don't have time to read all the ...Jess, I currently don't have time to read all the comments (I'm sure you have an interesting discussion going on here), but I must say this is a tactful and thought-provoking analogy.<BR/><BR/>Maybe I mentioned this on your blog already, but when I was taking preparation classes for brides, the dear wise rebbetzin who taught me told me a wife must do anything in her power to be inviting and tempting to her husband, to make marital intimacy a feast rather than a bowl of dull rice. You should have seen the spark in the eyes of this strict middle-aged woman with seven children, when she talked about intimacy! God gave us and our husbands the privilege to delight in each other. Why push this away?Mrs. Anna Thttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15377583333000789903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-63627158146914026862008-05-31T16:01:00.000-05:002008-05-31T16:01:00.000-05:00I'm a little bewildered that a post encouraging wo...I'm a little bewildered that a post encouraging women to love their husbands in the best and most joyful way possible brings about any negative feedback. I enjoyed your post... I think we need to realize that everything we read aside from God's Word has to be "taken with a grain of salt". We won't always agree with every statement made. (And unless it's contrary to the Word of God I don't see the point in being nit-picky) :) The main point you were trying to convey is something that I truly do think many Christian wives need to hear. Unfortunately, it's an issue that many Christian wives are touchy about. :)Christiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15356501627666697684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-61234868074890767182008-05-31T10:35:00.000-05:002008-05-31T10:35:00.000-05:00Claire, Good suggestion; I changed the opening to ...Claire, <BR/>Good suggestion; I changed the opening to reflect more of the angle I'm trying to shed light on.<BR/><BR/><BR/>As for the exceptions, yeah-- I know they're there... and it is one of those things that I just have had to get over as a blogger. Like you said, every reader comes with their own colored glasses that they're viewing the article through... and the same words can be read so many different ways.<BR/><BR/>It still can admittedly be frustrating to hear so many "yeah buts", but I get it... I know why people write that... it's just that when you're talking in broad or general biblical principles, shouldn't it be expected that you're not talking about the guy who's a total jerk and cheats just cause he wants to? Shouldn't it be obvious that the article about serving and loving your family isn't about being treated like a doormat and getting walked on and cussed at? Those are the sorts of leaps and exceptions that seem ridiculous to bring up when you're discussing basic biblical principles of life, but I know they seem real to the reader.<BR/><BR/>It's a hard and sometimes almost impossible balance to strike, at least it feels that way to me.<BR/>JessJess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-83031248219401776022008-05-31T09:20:00.000-05:002008-05-31T09:20:00.000-05:00I also just wanted to say that I don't think Jess ...I also just wanted to say that I don't think Jess is trying to place blame on women (as a few have suggested). We, as Christians in general, are called to do what's right without conditions imposed or expectation of reciprocation (hard, I know). If wives know they're doing their best then there's no need for guilt or self condemnation if the husband chooses to be sinful, however painful that is for the wife. BUT a lot of guys are nice and would probably not complain as long as the rice pilaf is not withheld. I am willing to bet some are pretty darn easy to please as long as they're getting something to work with. <BR/><BR/>As for my "hooker" comment : } I think some of us may suffer a little different ailment from overly prude Christian women...we think that you have to be perfect looking etc. I am learning that my husband actually thinks I'm pretty without makeup for example. Sometimes I think the only problem is that I sometimes can't accept that he really likes me just how I am.Catherine R.https://www.blogger.com/profile/17270456247724661532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-58710240366309254882008-05-31T08:57:00.000-05:002008-05-31T08:57:00.000-05:00Jess, I think the 'yeah, but..'s aren't doing so t...Jess, I think the 'yeah, but..'s aren't doing so to be deliberately contrary, or to annoy you. It's just that this IS a very complicated issue, and there are as many different circumstances as there are married couples, and everyone reads this thinking of different situations... I'm sure you know that, I just thought I'd point it out again because I don't want you to think that the many responses this article has gotten is because it wasn't a great article (it was!), it's just that maybe one article can never touch on everything? Maybe this response is just natural and to be expected?<BR/><BR/>My response was a lot like Deb's... I just feel so sad knowing that so many couples have such a hard time being open about intimacy. It really breaks my heart. God bless you, Jess, for doing your part to improve this! It's so needed.<BR/><BR/>Can I make a suggestion? The way the beginning of the article is worded, "What would you say to this man?" and then giving HIS testimony, just set me up entirely thinking what I could say to him. I think, if the purpose was to consider what we as wives can do better, making the post from the wives perspective might be helpful. As it was, all my thoughts are based around advice to him.<BR/><BR/>In particular, I found these statements very telling: "[She]has made it clear that she thinks we're on this rice diet together" and "Whenever I've tried to say something, she takes it as a complaint about her cooking and gets emotional and then things become even more tense and rigid."<BR/><BR/>The advice I had in mind after reading was, 'Man, you need to be more patient here! She's obviously tremendously upset about this - and if she's 'taking' what you say as a complaint about her cooking, you need to work on the way you're expressing yourself! Start by complimenting her cooking like crazy. Every time she adds a vegetable, go into raptures. SHOW her how pleased her cooking can make you, and how happy it makes you, and ENCOURAGE her. Saying 'but I want meat!' is a bit of a slap in the face if it's taken her a great deal of effort to just get one vegetable ready. So compliment the heck outta that vegetable! Talk about vegetables you had before, that you liked the way they were prepared - focus on POSITIVES, because your wife's reaction is so overwhelmed with guilt, pouring more guilt on her isn't going to help any. Show her how she's a wonderful cook, and she'll start to believe she can handle meat".<BR/><BR/>Now, of course I would also have words for the wives in question, but the way the question was phrased, made me mostly focus on the man's actions. I think that might be a partial explanation for some of the responses you've gotten?<BR/><BR/>But you're so right in everything you say about the wife, Jess, really. And you're absolutely right to address yourself to wives. I just think that maybe giving us a wife's perspective might help us focus on HER actions? I think when confronted with a husband's testimony, it's only natural to start thinking about husband's actions. I hope this helps! Thank you so much for such an interesting post :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-66651624415551009742008-05-31T06:22:00.000-05:002008-05-31T06:22:00.000-05:00Oh, and I'm certainly not failing to acknowledge a...Oh, and I'm certainly not failing to acknowledge anything. I've actually said what you just said in this very comment thread... that some men just opt for sin. That can't be helped or prevented. And it's terribly sad when it happens.Jess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.com