tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post4833229687661104015..comments2023-12-17T06:06:12.732-06:00Comments on Making Home: SEX: What If You Just Don't Want To?Jess Connellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-36369082701931703152009-06-30T02:19:38.906-05:002009-06-30T02:19:38.906-05:00Ansia,
Thank you so much for sharing your story he...Ansia,<br />Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I'm so sorry for your loss.<br />~JessJess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-15662450479664518702009-03-18T07:59:00.000-05:002009-03-18T07:59:00.000-05:00Dear Jess,I somehow stumbled on you blog many moon...Dear Jess,<BR/><BR/>I somehow stumbled on you blog many moons ago and have been slowly digging through it. I read this post about 6 months ago and decided that I too will change my attitude to sex in our marriage and just start to say yes. What a blessing! <BR/><BR/>I lost my husband last week. He was only 32 and we had been married for just 7 years. I have cried many tears but I have not once cried about the kind of marriage we had, as ours was a happy one. And my greatest memory is that I did not say no when he approced me the night before the accident. You are right, you do not regret saying yes, rather those times together have been a source of encouragement.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for Godly advice.Ansiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06211680566519997686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-14165048289818364062008-12-31T17:41:00.000-06:002008-12-31T17:41:00.000-06:00I'm a new reader who is going through your year re...I'm a new reader who is going through your year review. This comment "I find it almost funny that so many women today consistently turn their husbands away from sexual intimacy. In many cultures, notably Ancient Greece and Rome, it was women who were seen as the sexual ones, while men were viewed as being too cerebral to be too fanatic about love making. Thank for sharing this wise and very timely advice." struck me as funny.<BR/><BR/>I doubt the sexual desire levels of men haven't changed. The men of Ancient Rome and Greece had PLENTY of sex on their minds. It was just with each other. All depictions of women from that time were created by these same "intellectual" men, who usually had very negative ideas about women. Not exactly something to be making a comparison to in regard to intimate relations today. Just a though.<BR/><BR/>Love this blog!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-11154870803178252802008-12-30T09:56:00.000-06:002008-12-30T09:56:00.000-06:00Anonymous above wrote that "sex isn't about love";...Anonymous above wrote that "sex isn't about love"; the words seemed to convey bitterness, anger, and possibly disappointment.<BR/><BR/>Here's one way I have thought of this issue:<BR/><BR/>As a woman or a man,<BR/><BR/>1. Our CAPACITY for sexual expression, involvement, and enjoyment, and our DESIRE for sexual enjoyment and expression are facets of who we ourselves are. It is totally correct to say that these attributes are not all about how wonderful our spouse is or how much we love our spouse. These were built into us by God and we were probably aware of them before we ever met our spouse.<BR/><BR/>2. Our choice to ENTRUST A CERTAIN PERSON with our capacity for sexual relationship, to give ourselves to a certain person, to share our sexual capacity with one person exclusively, to be intimate with and to give rise to children together and to raise a family, and to remain faithful to that one person .... these things are about love of our spouse and trust in the relationship.<BR/><BR/>I hope that this reflection is helpful and constructive.<BR/><BR/>One more thought is that it seems women are often looking for marital intimacy to be all about how much he loves her. What seems forgotten and neglected is to make make marital intimacy about how much she loves him. (Her outward and active expression of love.) I don't know but wonder how many women have wounded themselves and report complaints in this area because they have made marital intimacy about getting love from him instead of loving him.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-70096139490298723502008-12-30T02:19:00.000-06:002008-12-30T02:19:00.000-06:00As a husband, I'm writing to mention just how much...As a husband, I'm writing to mention just how much PAIN can be caused by a wife when she rejects affectionate union in the marriage (as a pattern of behavior).<BR/><BR/>I have read numerous writings by men who have been in this situation. Some examples of impact on a husband include these: The marriage relationship can feel like it is afflicted by a kind of horrendous cancerous sickness which is destroying love and affection. A man can feel deeply personally rejected by his wife .... who he expected would love him and make love with him to express her love and acceptance of him. A husband can feel that his wife has no tenderness or human compassion because she has little or no understanding of his need for human kindness, generosity, tenderness, and affectionate touch in the sexual relationship with his own wife. Men can feel that the marriage relationship has been sorely violated, commitment has been broken, and the vows / covenants have been broken. (i.e. consistently rejecting a relationship that you had vowed to participate in!!) <BR/><BR/>These are only a few of the long list of very painful impacts. There are many impacts because rejection of intimacy touches a husband's heart in many, many ways. Again, I will say that the emotional pain for a husband in a sexually depriving marriage can be excruciating. <BR/><BR/>If your husband has been reasonably well-intentioned and acting in good faith and intends to stay sexually faithful in the marriage, then sexual rejection of him is NOT a minor issue: it is a RELATIONSHIP issue of the highest possible order of magnitude. (You vowed to be mates!)<BR/><BR/>If you're a married woman and are having trouble understanding the strength of the impact on him, try this exercise: think about how many women would feel severely violated if he had a sexual affair? Are the feelings very, very strong on this issue? Now - that is how seriously he feels about being rejected within the marriage.<BR/><BR/>There are many research studies that have shown negative health consequences of sexual deprivation or health benefits to both husbands AND WIVES that come from regular generous sexual sharing. <BR/><BR/>(I am referring to the research because some people may be motivated by these points, but really the Biblical instruction on how to conduct the marriage doesn't need research to have authority.)<BR/><BR/>Please, I would urge, do not take this issue lightly.<BR/><BR/>Now, I turn thoughts to the very saddening situation of women who perceive sexual expression in marriage as negative; who think of or experience marital union as disgusting, bad, negative, or even "abusive". <BR/><BR/>The women describe their own strong negative feelings (which is very sad), but yet there is loss to the husband as well. What kind of impact is there on a husband's heart for his wife to think and talk of him as "disgusting" because he is a male? Did he anticipate acceptance and kindness and warmth from his wife when he married?<BR/><BR/>I pray for healing to come into these heart-breaking and heart-wrenching situations!<BR/><BR/>For those who are not yet married, and for those who are involved in giving counsel to people considering marriage, I have one more idea:<BR/><BR/>I suggest that culturally we may be so focused on "romantic love" and "emotions" in our society that we don't like to think of marriage as fundamentally a sexual relationship. Consequently we don't take the commitment very seriously. This seems ironic when we refer to our culture as "over-sexualized" but I think it is still true in spite of the seeming irony.<BR/><BR/>I discover wives who seem "surprised" that their husbands expected the marriage to be sexually active. <BR/><BR/>I discover wives who think of intimacy as optional and "icing on the cake" and are disgusted to consider the sexual nature of marriage (as fundamental to the relationship). They are quickly forgetting that they didn't marry a woman -- for some reason they specifically chose to marry a male.<BR/><BR/>We expect guys to remain faithful but we make guys feel guilty or crass for believing that marriage includes a commitment by the couple to walk in sexual intimacy. (I think) young men in our culture are placed under a great deal of shame and false guilt for wanting sexuality to exist within the marriage and we are not doing them any favors this way. <BR/><BR/>In view of the deeply serious problems that people experience in this part of life, and in view of the problems I've mentioned, I think that unmarried and those who counsel unmarried may need to be far more BLUNT, DIRECT, and PRACTICAL about marriage as a committed sexual partnership.<BR/><BR/>Everyone likes to refer to Dr. Kevin Lehman about emotional preludes to sexual sharing and husbands starting intimacy by dish-washing. But this very same man wrote this: "If you don't plan on having sex with your spouse two to three times a week for the rest of your life, DON'T GET MARRIED." (My capitalization and my best memory of punctuation.)<BR/><BR/>Who quotes Dr. Lehman on that second idea? I think maybe we should start quoting him in pre-marital counseling classes.<BR/><BR/>In the case of single women who view sexual expression as disgusting or who view men as disgusting, or "animalistic", ... I don't think these woman should be marrying a man. Not until those beliefs and emotions have been resolved. (For example, what you are doing to tell a man you love him and yet believe internally that his being made by God as a male is disgusting? How could you be taking vows to be sexually involved with him while simultaneously thinking that sexuality is bad and disgusting and that once married you will try your best to avoid it at all costs?)<BR/><BR/>In the case of counselors, I might urge steps aimed to create fewer devastating, problem marriages:<BR/><BR/>(a) consider quoting Dr. Lehman -- ensure couples understand that they are committing to walk together as sexual partners and mates for their spouse.<BR/><BR/>(b) ASK couples hard questions about their commitment to active sexuality in the marriage .... this may seem unnecessary when a couple is looking at one another with starry eyes, but the sad reality of tragically marred married couples says differently. <BR/><BR/>(c) Educate, educate, educate, keeping in mind that many single young women may disregard and minimize the sexual commitment involved in marriage and meanwhile many young men may feel pressured or shamed into not discussing this issue seriously to find out how their prospective MATE really views this issue. Other young men may assume that their wife will not turn out be one of the rejecting wives after the vows have been exchanged. This means that you (the one giving advice) may have to be the one who is blunt and who helps address sex as a commitment. You may have to help the couple un-cover differences in their level of commitment and help them resolve their differences before those differences slam into the marriage.<BR/><BR/>(d) For a single who has experienced past childhood abuse, perhaps ask them to commit to a QUALITY Christ-focused counselor starting before and continuing during the marriage? My underlying thought here is that a marriage with a previously abused person is going to need the extra help and commitment to bless the marriage should be demonstrated and arranged early. The person who has been abused and who is unable to accept QUALITY counseling is almost certainly still wounded in ways that will make a marriage extremely difficult. (Regrettably some counselors are really bad (even certain Christian ones) but that does not disqualify the point I'm making.)<BR/><BR/>The overall idea for unmarried and their counselors is to be very realistic about sexuality in marriage, very committed to active sexual partnership as a pre-requisite, and thereby help to "head off" very deep problems in marriages later. Perhaps by being attentive, we can help younger people who are nearing the point of entering into marriages ... and have a positive impact on a generation or more of marriages to come.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-45842201398693948832008-10-11T13:05:00.000-05:002008-10-11T13:05:00.000-05:00I know this is an old post, but it was thought pro...I know this is an old post, but it was thought provoking. I had to say to Laura, I know how you feel. <BR/>Before that sounds trite or you are thinking yeah right, but I hated sex. <BR/>I did not reject my husband, but gritted my teeth and cried through it at times. I do not do that anymore most of the time, it is rare and I have actually gotten to enjoy it, but it has taken years. <BR/>For me actually pregnancy caused me problems with this area. <BR/>I still think sex is incredibly disgusting and I have trained myself to not think about it deeply and enjoy it. When I do not have feelings for it, I am honest with my husband, but we still do it. He likes it when I want it, but otherwise it is better to be honest then pretend you love it. Anyhow, hopefully this gives you hope that if you keep trying, you can learn to enjoy it. -I am sorry for not signing my name, but because of the subject...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-6458715752477571702008-09-30T16:07:00.000-05:002008-09-30T16:07:00.000-05:00Hello Jess,I'm a husband who has been begging for ...Hello Jess,<BR/><BR/>I'm a husband who has been begging for a passionate, affectionate marriage relationship with my wife for nearly seven years.<BR/><BR/>I don't want to stray and I do need sexual expression as a person.<BR/><BR/>My wife went through a long period of putting me down and insulting me because I needed intimacy in marriage. <BR/><BR/>She worked with a CHRISTIAN marriage counselor who taught her that sexual intimacy was really an optional feature of marriage, a shared treat that some couples could partake in if they both felt like it. <BR/><BR/>She taught my wife that during extremely long periods without intimacy (lasting multiple months for example), there was no moral reason for my wife to share intimacy. Any dissatisfaction on my part was my fault and that the full burden should be placed on me to deal more "maturely" with "my own" disappointed wishes.<BR/><BR/>The involvement of the counselor actually increased the division and strife in our marriage as she taught and enabled my wife to refuse intimacy for however long.<BR/><BR/>There was absolutely nothing of the sort going on but the counselor decided to spend one meeting suggesting that maybe lack of intimacy was really because maybe I was having an affair. (Again there was nothing of that sort going on at all.)<BR/><BR/>This "Christian" counselor seemed to be much more influenced by her feminism and her secular schooling (sometimes anti-Biblical in my experience) than by the faith.<BR/><BR/>The consequences have been that spiritual sharing, emotional intimacy, and tenderness in the marriage have been completely and utterly destroyed.<BR/><BR/>Over seven years I have been programmed not to notice or be attracted to my wife. <BR/><BR/>I have also been programmed not to draw near to my wife emotionally because when we did (in the past) draw close emotionally that closeness was almost never celebrated and consummated with physical union but instead ended with forced abstinence (and sometimes insults and conflict going along with the physical rejection.)<BR/><BR/>Now of course there are some scientific studies that show married people who have generous sharing of sexual intimacy are healthier; womens' sexual response and even hormone regulation work better with generous (frequent) lovemaking; men are less prone to heart-attack, and so on... not to mention consequences on the relationship.<BR/><BR/>I'm writing in part because I'm sad about what happened in this marriage. I experience longings for a completely different marriage - one that is emotionally close and in which my wife shares natural affections with me.<BR/><BR/>I'm writing in part to warn you about so-called Christian counselors who defy Biblical teaching because (for example) they think they have something more "modern" and "better."<BR/><BR/>And, I'm writing to share with you that I personally think you're moving along a good track with your posts (this and a few others I read).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-12809735642626631592008-09-30T08:05:00.000-05:002008-09-30T08:05:00.000-05:00Hi Jess! I can't even begin to tell you how excit...Hi Jess! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about your blog. I came across it yesterday while searching for info about intimacy in marriage. I have struggled with this the entire 4 years I have been married. I thought that my desire NOT to have sex was more important than his desire to have sex. Boy, was I wrong. I look forward to participating in your blog and learning how to be a godly wife in this area. Lord, I'm ready to obey!<BR/><BR/>By the way, my church is starting a sermon series on "Making your marriage sizzle". If anyone lives in the area, please accept this as my invitation to come. If not, you can listen to the sermons online or download them to your iPod. God has given my preacher the gift of being an incredible speaker and I'm sure it will be worth listening to!<BR/><BR/>http://www.newhorizonchurch.tv/Staciehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01456798515353897162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-38462485017496244562008-09-25T16:01:00.000-05:002008-09-25T16:01:00.000-05:00I usually have my blogger ID on when I comment. Bu...I usually have my blogger ID on when I comment. But with what I am going to say, I wish to remain anon. I hope my comment is not too offensive.<BR/><BR/> A few years ago my husband and I had some serious marital problems. He never cheated on me, but things were very rocky for us. I am ashamed to admit that a went online and chatted with other men during this time, most of which were married men. These men seldom connected with their wives sexually and were searching for a substitute. I also got "together" with two married men during this time. I am so extremely ashamed now of how my behavior was. <BR/><BR/> Today my husband and I are happily married. We've had to go through alot in the mean time, but we've worked it out.<BR/><BR/> All of this to say that many men who do not get it from their wives DO search for other women. I am living proof of that!<BR/><BR/> LizzieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-82955404303477953372008-09-24T14:08:00.000-05:002008-09-24T14:08:00.000-05:00This is a great post, Jess, and I thank you for sp...This is a great post, Jess, and I thank you for speaking aobut it.<BR/><BR/>I have a few thoughts to post.<BR/>First, to Laura...<BR/>Your posts have grabbed my heart and I will be praying for you. <BR/>I first want to say to you that I think that it is a great and awseome thing that you have worked to get help and to try to understand the truth about this subject, and I am sure there are others... You are to be commended for your guts and grit. Not everyone in your position can make the choice that you are making to push for answers in this area. <BR/><BR/>I wish that I could give you a hug, so consider yourself hugged from a friend! :) <BR/><BR/>I would like to encourage you to keep on keeping on in your search. You sound like a seeker of truth, even though you have endurded great pain. Keep seeking. There are answers to your questions and pain. There is freedom for you. God is no respecter of persons, meaning He doesn't have favorites. Others have been set free from this and other worse things.<BR/><BR/>You describe your world as a lonely one. My heart breaks for you. You have been stolen from in a hidious way.<BR/><BR/>But you have hit on the key, I think when you said that you know that the TRUTH is different than the way you feel about it. (I paraphrased your statement, but I think that is what you meant...?) I believe that you will get your miracle. If you keep hanging onto the truth that God's way is true, right and good even if you don't understand it, you are on the road to healing!!! Keep ahold of that, even as you wrestle with everything else, and you WILL come through this. What the enemy has stolen from you, God will restore as you continue on.<BR/><BR/>I do not think that your analogy is strange or funny. I understand it perfectly. Not from experience, but I do understand what you are trying to say. What is supposed to communicate love to you only communicates pain, horrible pain. And then to see some saying things like "Isn't this horrible pain a wonderful gift?!" I can imagine the strangeness of that. :-) <BR/><BR/>I will be praying for you to have healing and revelation from the Lord. His love and truth is the only thing that will break the lies of Satan. For it is only evil that holds you in this state. I hope that this doesn't sound easy or trite. I am very serious. <BR/><BR/>One more thought to share on the issue of wanting to or not...<BR/>I have been preggo 6 times in the past 8 years. (2 were miscarried) I have also dealt with severe morning sickness. I do not want to sound like it is always easy, but I have usually found it to be possible to have sex. Sometimes I do not enjoy it to the level that I would in a different state phyically, but I have learned one thing as a wife. My mind has more to do with how I feel about how things feel than how things really feel. Does that make sense? I am not talking about psyching myself or something, but if I choose to rejoice, I can really rejoice. As I choose to honor God and His word, and truly open my heart toward my dh, then something happens. Times that I think I am going to have to tell dh that I just can't turn into an awesome good time, or at least something more pleasurable than I thought it was going to be! :)<BR/><BR/>Last thought...<BR/><BR/>Those who have dealt with a dh with less drive than you...<BR/><BR/>I have dealt with this in my marriage from day one. I came into my marriage ready to be "all the wife he can handle"...and I was shocked, hurt and angry at how little it seemed that he wanted me. I wanted to scream and lash out at him. I cried when he didn't know. As a new wife I realized that I had a choice. Demand or serve. Oh, yes. You can serve in the place of not 'doing it.' I prayed for him and asked God to use me to minister to my new dh in the way that He wanted me to. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. <BR/><BR/>I still don't totally understand all that God did during tht time. But I am pleased to report that things are not that way anymore. :) We have a very open and loving relationship and I praise God for it. <BR/><BR/>I would encourage anyone dealing with something like this, or any other issue to pray. Walk in the Spirit, not the flesh. Don't reason with your mind. Follow the principles of the kingdom. Lay down your life, serve, and find the joy waiting for you in what seemed like misery. Easy? No. Possible with God's help. Totally.<BR/><BR/>Thanks, Jess for all you do!<BR/><BR/>A Wife Still LearningAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-13269601235872037162008-09-24T13:09:00.000-05:002008-09-24T13:09:00.000-05:00Laura,I am sorry some of the comments seem harsh. ...Laura,<BR/><BR/>I am sorry some of the comments seem harsh. Please don’t let them stop you from expressing yourself here and wherever else you need to. It takes a lot of courage to share your feelings and I am proud of you for doing it. I remember the first time I expressed my feelings. I was in love with my husband to be. I knew there were issues physically. My husband could sense it to. I told him that since we were planning to wait, it was just a defense mechanism. I hoped that was true but I knew it was more. I called the local Christian counseling place. I asked them if I got counseling would my insurance cover it and if so would my parents find out. I was on my parents plan at the time. She said yes they would. The poor secretary asked me what I needed counseling for. Boy did she get an ear full! I balled and balled on the phone. Well counseling wasn’t an option. Later on I wrote my husband to be a letter. I didn’t go in to detail. I couldn’t. I just told him I had been hurt and I didn’t want it to affect our relationship. When he asked me about it later, I told him I wasn’t ready to tell him anything else. Over the years I have been able to tell him a little more. Please remember that you are not the only one who feels or has felt the way you do. My question for you is why do you want to stay this way? I know it seems safer and easier to stay in this world you have created for yourself, but the truth is you are in a lot of pain. You don’t have to live in this pain! I really believe that you are under emotional and possibly spiritual bondage. Break Free! John 8:32 says “you shall know the truth and the truth will make you free!” Cry out to God and don’t stop till you get right! Get into counseling if that’s what you need. Maybe marital counseling would be appropriate. Maybe you’d feel more comfortable talking to a mature woman in your church. Surround yourself with God’s word and Christian books on the subject. Please talk to your husband. He can help you understand how he really feels about you and sex. If not for yourself and not for your husband, do it for your girls. Don’t you want them to see men as God sees them? It is not wrong for you to feel the way you do. You were hurt and your response is a natural defense mechanism. However, I do believe it is wrong for you to do nothing to change. Your attitude toward your husband is unbiblical and therefore sinful. We both know your attitude toward him is not going to change until you get some healing. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. Please let us know how you are doing. I’ll be praying for you.<BR/><BR/>With love,<BR/>NancyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-574403637926738452008-09-21T15:48:00.000-05:002008-09-21T15:48:00.000-05:00It's amazing the amount of discussion this post ha...It's amazing the amount of discussion this post has generated, but I really hope it helps a lot of people. I know it's helped me :)<BR/>I wanted to mention a post I read on another website that I thought might help Laura and others. It's a story about hate and what it can do to a person. The context isn't marital intimacy, but I think that the underlying emotions are exactly the same. If you are interested, please go to www.sidroth.org. There is a tab at the top on the right that says "articles and more". Click that tab and you'll see a list down the left side. If you click on "They thought for themselves" Ch. 3 has a story about a woman, Rose Price, who had a lot of negative emotion and how she dealt with it. Hope it blesses you!! <BR/>Be blessed everyone!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-6799437600425496332008-09-21T05:16:00.000-05:002008-09-21T05:16:00.000-05:00"And no, I have never been raped or molested. Just..."And no, I have never been raped or molested. Just told way too many times I was loved by men who only said it because they wanted to sleep with me." <BR/><BR/>Well, THAT - despite what our rotten culture teaches - is a form of socially acceptable *sexual abuse*, which hurts women no less than rape. Even more than rape - because it's alright to be upset after you are raped, but wishy-washy to feel the same when you are taken advantage of. <BR/><BR/>What you mentioned happened to me once. Just ONCE, and it took me years to get over it. Years when I thought I would never be able to have sex again. Getting married was a huge plunge for me! <BR/><BR/>What helped was simply reading God's plan. Did God say sex was to be painful, or joyful? Obviously to me, *I* was the one off the mark, not God. God's Word serves like a compass, and He "heals the broken-hearted, and binds up their wounds". <BR/><BR/>Spiritually sound counseling with a rebbetzin, and every bit of honesty with my wonderful husband, created an incredible change in my life. I know the same can happen for you, because nothing is beyond Him.Mrs. Anna Thttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15377583333000789903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-47843224744127963542008-09-20T17:21:00.000-05:002008-09-20T17:21:00.000-05:00As a man looking at this, it seems clear to me tha...As a man looking at this, it seems clear to me that Laura is a victim of the sexual revolution. I used to watch the same kind of guys in college that she undoubtedly encountered when she was younger. We called them 'players'. Every weekend they had a new 'flame' they'd woo to the bedroom, usually successfully. It was sinful and disgusting on the men's part, quite frankly, which is undoubtedly why she feels this way about the marriage privilege now. I don't know what to tell Laura to do about the emotional scars she has from that. What I hope she can take from this, though, is that most of us men aren't like that. True, most of us do struggle with lust (it must be part of our punishment for original sin...women have their own set of problems that we generally don't struggle with as much...jealousy and gossip come to mind), but the 'players' accounted for only a (very active) minority. That sort of behavior was damaging to them in the long run too, btw.<BR/><BR/>When it comes to our wives, however, marital relations is a VERY emotional experience for us. As an example, just the other day I was mad at my wife about something...that night she initiated, and you know what? all my annoyance with her melted away completely in that act. Women don't realize this because we don't talk about it ('too emotional' :-) ) In fact, I'm telling you about this now, but I never said a thing to her about it.<BR/>The same is true with a denial. Although you may have a good reason for it, we can't help but take it personally regardless. There is nothing more emotionally damaging to a husband than to be turned down on a regular basis.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-35192903455362967772008-09-20T13:57:00.000-05:002008-09-20T13:57:00.000-05:00Jess, thanks for being brave enough to post this! ...Jess, thanks for being brave enough to post this! :) Regular reader here but anonymous for discretion.<BR/><BR/>I think you are right on! I wonder if many women consider the effect of their rejection on their husbands. How does a man feel if his wife considers his wanting physical intimacy to be disgusting or piggish? It's almost as if some women use their husband's as "sperm donors" and then expect them to live the rest of their lives as celibate monks. Nice.<BR/><BR/>I also wonder if sometimes it's exaggerated expectations that lead to bad feelings about it. For us it's never been candles and perfumes and heady romance. Just a quiet, comfortable, sweet way to reconnect at the end of the day. Rarely earthshaking. Just *nice*. Because neither of us expects earthshaking, neither of us ends up bitter or disappointed if it doesn't happen that way. I will say though, in case it helps anyone else, that doing the kegel exercises like crazy to prevent a prolapse after my third baby had surprising but wonderful side-effects. :p<BR/><BR/>To Laura--I don't think you are a bad person. I do think though that instead of being angry with God for not lining up with you, you should work on lining up with *Him*, on this issue as with everything else. God created sex and in his eyes it is not disgusting but something wonderful. I am sad for you and sad for your husband that you have such a horrible view of physical intimacy. Just because people misuse it does not mean that it is inherently bad.<BR/>Here's my analogy--a well-kept fire in a safe fireplace is cozy, warm and beautiful. For thousands of years fire was essential for the survival of humankind, in fact. It is a good thing. The fact that a bad person can take fire and burn down a house or kill people with it does not make fire inherently evil. That label belongs on the arsonist, not on the fire. Likewise, because men used you for sex does not make sex bad. Those *men* were bad. Direct your anger at them, not at the beautiful thing they misused and degraded. <BR/>I hope you find some healing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-67730066543709040652008-09-20T10:26:00.000-05:002008-09-20T10:26:00.000-05:00Great post!! I do a lot on marriage and family too...Great post!! I do a lot on marriage and family too...how did I not find you sooner???<BR/><BR/>Blessings,<BR/>SuePraise and Coffeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18273673325959351521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-68633968306611717842008-09-19T14:00:00.000-05:002008-09-19T14:00:00.000-05:00Hi, this is for the Laura who is hurting. Are you...Hi, this is for the Laura who is hurting. Are you in an arranged marriage or did you choose your husband of your own volition? Either way, if there is some sort of abuse going on, then your first priority os your health and your life. God does not want us to be a punching bag for anybody. If that is the case, go to your family or a womens shelter immediately. If your husband is not abusing you (and his wanting sex isn't abuse dear) hen you've got to find the strength and courage to go to God and ask him to help you with your intimacy issues. I'm not blaming you my dear. Somethinghas obviously happened to you to make you feel the way you do. But if you will not or cannot get counseling (that would be my first suggestion) then please go to a trusted older woman, perhaps pastor's wife? and talk to someone about it. Above all though, spend time in prayer. God is faithful and He loves and cares about your wellbeing. Be blessed my dear.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-9840977311192757322008-09-19T11:22:00.000-05:002008-09-19T11:22:00.000-05:00Laura,Honey it sounds like you have been sexually ...Laura,<BR/><BR/>Honey it sounds like you have been sexually abused in your past and present. It sounds as if you have never witnessed what a healthy relationship looks like. Were you abused as a child? Is your husband physically abusive during sex? If so, know that that is not normal or healthy. It is not what God intended at all! Please, please, for the sake of your personal safety and that of your daughters, please get help. What he has done to you is not ok! God loves you and desires for you to have a healthy, happy marriage relationship. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 that<BR/>Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails. God created sex to be a wonderful expression of that love, but Satan has perverted it. Don't let him lie to you anymore. There are many resources available to women who are in abusive relationships. Please go get help. You deserve better and so do your daughters.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-55130193926996291382008-09-19T10:40:00.000-05:002008-09-19T10:40:00.000-05:00To Anonymous -I already know that I'm a horrible p...To Anonymous -<BR/><BR/>I already know that I'm a horrible person. I don't need to hear it from you. I have not put my personal issues off on my children. These are fears and thoughts I have inside and I try with all my might to make sure my children do not hear me say such things. How dare you assume that I want to hurt my children. I love my children very much, more than life itself. <BR/><BR/>I never said sex was akin to rape. I tried to use the analogy of being punched in the face to illustrate how badly the act makes me feel. Not physical pain, but emotional pain. And no, I have never been raped or molested. Just told way too many times I was loved by men who only said it because they wanted to sleep with me.<BR/><BR/>I never said everyone else is wrong. I just don't understand how the majority of women can enjoy sex. It's like being in a country where you don't speak the language. Very lonely and frustrating.<BR/><BR/>I open up on this blog because it's the only place I know to say these things and to hear what godly women have to say. I know enought that, even though I don't want to hear it, it is the truth. And perhaps, through some miracle, someday it will make sense to me.<BR/><BR/>But hearing harsh, ungracius comments like yours make me question whether this is a safe place. <BR/><BR/>LauraAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-91743035900965634732008-09-19T00:10:00.000-05:002008-09-19T00:10:00.000-05:00Tara, I think our culture teaches us to make a lot...Tara, I think our culture teaches us to make a lot of excuses, but I just don't see the biblical validity for that.<BR/><BR/>I'm certainly not advocating sucking it up and "taking one for the team", operating out of duty rather than delight. I'm trying to remind us of our commitment to our husband in marriage, and what the Bible says about that commitment... and how THAT should motivate us to look on this with delight rather than duty. When we look at this act NOT as something to get out of, or to "be in the mood for" but rather-- to be something that is normal and good and healthy... I think it changes the whole perspective.Jess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-23330446535627962292008-09-18T23:52:00.000-05:002008-09-18T23:52:00.000-05:00Wow what a subject. I will admit in first reading...Wow what a subject. I will admit in first reading your post I was slightly irritated lol Only because its not as easy as it sounds at times. Because, in theory, its wonderful lol but when a woman doesn't "feel" like it well we don't. Having children also changes things.. our bodies aren't the same our desires aren't the same. There are many things we do through out our days that are an act of duty. Making beds, laundry, dinner, bathing the kids, ect.. then when it comes to intimate things.. to look at it as if you have to respond out of duty I would rather wait until I actually wanted to and it be genuine then to act out of duty. We (women) all know its not fun or comfortable when you physically aren't not in the mood. lol Ok perhaps this is too much info. lol I am not angry or anything.. I understand what the Bible says about marriage and its roles. I will give your post some thought..just had to share my opinion. :) Thanks for sharing your views.Tarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09520144800327339862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-16201411094075301812008-09-18T23:39:00.000-05:002008-09-18T23:39:00.000-05:00Laura-I think it is incredibly selfish of you to p...Laura-<BR/><BR/>I think it is incredibly selfish of you to put your personal problems off on your daughters. Just because you believe all heterosexual sex is akin to rape, doesn't mean that your daughters should feel that way. I see you as no different that a deaf person that wants their children to be deaf or a homosexual who wants homosexual children. You need to deal with your issues instead of saying that everyone else is wrong. Satan is winning because you believe that your body is your own, but you were bought at a price and you are not your own. We are called to serve others. We are called to be slaves. Anyone who loves self more than God is not worthy of God. The Bible specifically says that husband and wife are not to deny each other physically. That is what the God who purchased you says.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-56244451172693548372008-09-18T21:23:00.000-05:002008-09-18T21:23:00.000-05:00Let me just add to anyone out there that if sex is...Let me just add to anyone out there that if sex is physically painful for you, there are ways that your doctor can help you. On rare occasions, the hymen does NOT break the first, second, or 23rd time that you have intercourse, and your doctor may have to manually break it for you. This can cause discomfort.<BR/><BR/>Another myth is that KY Jelly and other lubricants are only for post-menopausal women, and that younger women shouldn't need it (and that there's something wrong with you if you do!). It's actually more common among younger women than you'd think, so go for it!!<BR/><BR/>I definitely agree with Jess and all the other posters who say that if sex is not desirable for you for whatever reason - physically or emotionally - you need to get professional help. This is something that God has created for us, not only to reproduce, but to express our love to our spouses.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Remember, "The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but I (Jesus) have come that you might have life, and more abundantly." [John 10:10]Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-4308736184975517022008-09-18T12:38:00.000-05:002008-09-18T12:38:00.000-05:00Laura,Your comments display all the more why you n...Laura,<BR/>Your comments display all the more why you need to seek biblical counseling, and more importantly than that, counsel <I>yourself</I> biblically about this issue. When I read your comments, it is clear that you are not coming from a biblical perspective at all. It sounds like you are coming from the perspective of one who has been molested or raped. Whether you realize it or not, your perspective is not accurate at all... nor is it biblical. I am so sorry for the way you have been so hurt and discouraged by intimacy. What you have experienced and believed is not at all what God would have us experience and believe about His incredible gift.<BR/><BR/>JessJess Connellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00372282510182101716noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32444916.post-36580623965890098422008-09-18T12:02:00.000-05:002008-09-18T12:02:00.000-05:00Laura you may not want counseling but you need it....Laura you may not want counseling but you need it. You need to understand why you feel this way. Is intercourse painful? There are ways to overcome this. Have you discussed this with your husband? Have you never desired sex? All of those things need to be discussed in a safe and secure way with a Christian counselor that has training with sexual issues. Even if you never have sex again do you really WANT to poison the minds of your daughters against it? Please, Please seek help from someone trained in sex therapy.Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10576142627561121451noreply@blogger.com